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Lancashire Jokes

Roughyed 01 Apr 01 - 01:20 PM
Bernard 01 Apr 01 - 02:47 PM
Scuttlebutt 01 Apr 01 - 06:37 PM
Bernard 01 Apr 01 - 07:11 PM
GUEST,Bruce O. 01 Apr 01 - 07:15 PM
Tyke 01 Apr 01 - 07:17 PM
Mr Red 02 Apr 01 - 08:14 AM
Dave the Gnome 02 Apr 01 - 08:37 AM
Mr Red 02 Apr 01 - 01:21 PM
Bernard 02 Apr 01 - 01:22 PM
Long Firm Freddie 02 Apr 01 - 02:03 PM
Bernard 02 Apr 01 - 05:02 PM
Bernard 02 Apr 01 - 05:08 PM
GUEST 02 Apr 01 - 05:12 PM
GUEST,#1 02 Apr 01 - 05:16 PM
bill\sables 02 Apr 01 - 08:09 PM
Tone d' F 02 Apr 01 - 09:15 PM
Mr Red 03 Apr 01 - 08:17 AM
GUEST,#1 03 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM
Bernard 03 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM
GUEST,wilbor 03 Apr 01 - 03:46 PM
GUEST,#1 03 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM
GUEST,wilbor 03 Apr 01 - 03:55 PM
Terry K 04 Apr 01 - 02:54 AM
okthen 04 Apr 01 - 07:29 AM
GUEST,Mr Red at the Library 04 Apr 01 - 07:57 AM
GUEST,#1 04 Apr 01 - 12:06 PM
John J 04 Apr 01 - 12:23 PM
GUEST,johnl 04 Apr 01 - 12:49 PM
Bernard 04 Apr 01 - 01:26 PM
GUEST 09 May 18 - 12:25 PM
Will Fly 09 May 18 - 04:32 PM
banjoman 10 May 18 - 05:13 AM
Dave the Gnome 10 May 18 - 05:21 AM
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Subject: Lancashire Jokes
From: Roughyed
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 01:20 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Does anybody know any Lancashire jokes. I'm doing a Lancashire night at the end of April and have lots of songs but not much in the way of chat between them. As they say, Lancashire folk don't mind anyone laughing at them as long as we're earnin more brass than them. Come to think of it, Yorkshire jokes will do just as well.

Ta


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 02:47 PM

Lanky dialect can be fun -

Eeh! Ah've bin up sin' crack o'sparrer fart - meaning 'I got up very early'...

What's a Wigan kebab? 4 Meat pies on a brush steel...

(A brush steel is local dialect for broom handle...)

Missus! Tha' dog's spoilt!

How dare you, sir!

No, it's spoilt - I ran over it wi' mi' truck...

...more where they came from!!


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Scuttlebutt
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 06:37 PM

The chap from Darwen who had to go to London by train

Got to Preston station and the gave the girl a £50 note -her laconic response was "change at Crewe" the guy from Darwen replied he wanted his change right then.

When he got to London he was approached by a young lady who offered to sleep with him for £200 - he replied that he was not tired but could do with the money !

Keep Lancashire tidy - drop your litter in Yorkshire

To be fair there are many good things to come out of Yorkshire - most of them roads into Lancashire

- yes I kow they are like me old and corny but it is late at night

Jan


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 07:11 PM

What do you call a pretty girl in Salford (substitute the town you're near, but not in...)?

A tourist!!

Bloke runs into a Salford pub:

'Anyone got a large black cat with a white collar?'

'No!'

'Bugger! I've run over the Vicar...'

Bloke runs into a Salford pub, bleeding profusely:

'Whose is that black Jaguar on the car park?'


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,Bruce O.
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 07:15 PM

You might try "Robbie and Granny" or "Warrington Fair" on them, in the Scarce Songs 1 file on my website. www.erols.com/olsonw


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Tyke
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 07:17 PM

I rember when Jane Fonda brought out a new keep fit vidio! During the world launch they booked Wigin Town Hall. It was packed out with 500 Lankashire Ladies all line up on leotards looking like an advetisement for Michelin! Out comes Jane Fonda and say's all right Ladies! Hands on Thieghs! And all the Ladies went like this (place palms of your hands over your EYES!


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:14 AM

You can always tell a Yorkshireman
but you can not tell him much.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:37 AM

Jumbo Jet full of passengers in flight when all engines fail. Pilot announces that they have 30 minutes gliding time but as they are mid North Atlantic there is no chance of making land. Furthermore, due to inclement conditions there is little chance of rescue and whoever survives the crash will, like as not, die of hypothermia.

Everyone is very calm, fatalistic almost. Some begin to pray quietly, some write letters to loved ones. Others speak in hushed tones of their love for each other when all of a sudden a young lady stands and, with all eyes on her, cries, "I am still a virgin. I don't want to die without ever becoming a woman. Will some one help me, please!"

All are embarrased apart from old Albert, a Lancashire miner who after working at Leigh colliery for 40 years has decided to have a good holiday. He stands up and begins to unbotton his shirt. Some look away but some cannot take their eyes of the scene.

In his best lancy accect he says "Don't worry thi'sen lass. Ahl make a proper woman out o'thi."

Throwing his shirt to the floor in front of her he makes his demands.

"Get me shirt iron't quick. Ah've a darts match toneet..."

Cheers and hope yer do is reet gradely

Dave the Gnome


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:21 PM

Try telling the one....
The Beatles wrote a song about Wigan
pause just long enough to have clear sight of the emergency exit
and sing "Wigan work it out"!
Enjoy.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:22 PM

Us Lanky fowk reckon Cheshire is dead posh -
they gerrout o't'bath fer't 'ave a pee...
they 'ave fruit on t'sideboard when no bugger's ill...
they think sex is what we put our coal in...


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:03 PM

Kid carries basket into the vet's and says "Hey Mister, me cat's sick"

Vet says "Is it a tom?"

Kid says "Nay, I've browt it wimme..."

LFF


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:02 PM

Kid carries basket into the vet's and says "Hey Mister, me cat's sick"

Vet says "Say aaaah!"

Kid asks "Why?"

Vet says "It's dead!"


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:08 PM

(from upstairs) - 'Mam! Maaaaa-am!'

What's up, ewr Johnny?

'Ewr Billy's tekin' all t' overcoat fer 'imsel'

(The Vicar has come to tea, Mam is embarrassed, and tries to gloss over things. She doesn't want the Vicar knowing she can't afford decent bedding...)

Silly lad! It's called an 'eiderdown', not an overcoat!

(Time passes)

(from upstairs) - 'Mam! Maaaaa-am!'

What's up now, ewr Johnny?

'Ewr Billy's pull't'sleeve off our eiderdown!'


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:12 PM

Try 'Journal of the Lancashire Dialect Society' for older ones.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,#1
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:16 PM

Sorry, that last was me. It's that Altzheimer's.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:09 PM

Whst's the diference between a Manchester girl and a shopping trolly. A shopping trolly has a mind of it's own.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Tone d' F
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 09:15 PM

That last one sounded like an adapted blond joke to me

Jokes about Lancashire

mmmm... Lancashire

Best thing about Lancashire is leaving on the M62


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 08:17 AM

I heard the trolly one as an Essex joke but that's the folk process.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,#1
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM

I'ze Yorkshire, too. But that one's so ancient that everybody should know it by now.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM

Two blokes go into t'pub.

Pint o'bitter, and a half o'shandy for my mate 'Donkey', please!

'Ere - what's with him calling you 'Donkey'?

Oh, 'e aw, 'e aw, 'e allus calls me that!


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,wilbor
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:46 PM


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,#1
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM

FLASH! Chesire cat just got wilbor's tongue.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,wilbor
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:55 PM

during the war of the roses in a village near the border the villagers hear the cry "one yorkshire man`s stronger than one hundred lancashire men. so they run towards the source but none return. so the next day further along the border the same thing happens and still noboby returns.the next day the same ,but before the men of the new village run towards the source they are stopped by a lone surviver and he says "stop dont go It`s a trap theres two of them".


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Terry K
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 02:54 AM

..... just for clarification, the Wars of the Roses were fought between the Yorkists and the Lancashites.

Cheers, Terry


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: okthen
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:29 AM

it still is, Terry K, it still is.

cheers

bill


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,Mr Red at the Library
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:57 AM

better take a Bacup file of this. ho ho.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,#1
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 12:06 PM

My favorite from the War of the Roses:

Rose is red,
And Rose is white,
And Rose is wonderous bonny;
And Rose has lost her maidenhead
By playing with sae mony.


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: John J
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 12:23 PM

How come you've got more jokes than anyone else Bernard?! JJ PS CU at the John Kirkpatrick concert on Thursday night?


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST,johnl
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 12:49 PM

Man walks into a butcher's shop on the Yorkshire side of the border. "I'd like a pig's head please" The butcher calls in to the back "One pig's head, Fred!" Then the customer says "Make that a Lancs pig's head" "Take the brains out, Fred!"


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 01:26 PM

Lanky mon sez to his mate: 'I know where we can each get a pie, a pint and a woman for a fiver!'

His mate replies: 'Whose pies are they?'


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 09 May 18 - 12:25 PM

How was copper wire invented?

Someone put a penny on the border between yorkshire and scotaland


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Will Fly
Date: 09 May 18 - 04:32 PM

Two Lancashire blokes meet.

Bert: "Doin' much, Fred?"
Fred: "Nowt, but it's steady".


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: banjoman
Date: 10 May 18 - 05:13 AM

A Yorkshire man is a Scotsman with the generosity squeezed out


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Subject: RE: Lancashire Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 May 18 - 05:21 AM

Oldham Tinkers joke. We call our dog 'Grieg'. All he can do is pee agin't suite.


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