Your absolute WORST audience ever!

Subject: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 11:43 PM

Thought I'd try and combine two out of three of my favourite topics..Music, and strange human behaviour! The third is either Baseball, Politics, Leather Carving, or late nite info-mercials......or strange behaviour by humans involved in those activities.

I know I recounted this one before, but perhaps my Worst experience with an audience, happened while playing a Hunting Resort (ugh!) in Northern Ontario. T'was Friday night, a lot of welfare cheques had been cashed that afternoon, and there were three hundred souls jammed into the lounge. The only thing standing between them and total destruction of the bar was me, my stupid acoustic guitar, a crappy Radio-Shack (sorry Leej!) P.A. and my repertoire of folk and (old) country songs.

Generally the entertainers that played these kinds of places used Loud electric guitars, bass pedals and drum machines...but ol' Mr. "purity" here would sooner have died than go that route....besides I'd always been able to handle most situations like that...and the money WAS good.

The problem really started when a table of Hunters from Wisconsin, got very drunk and started doing "Indian war-hoops". A table of local Aboriginals (most used as guides) got even more drunk and started objecting. Tables started getting turned over, and the owner (a former Professional Wrestler who worked as "The Masked Marvel" for years) came running up to the stage. "Play something to calm them down you Fucker (or words to that effect)"!! Well, I'd handled ten thousand requests by that time, but for the life of me I couldn't think of any song that would stop a bar brawl...and believe me I started sweating big time! Just then, the Chief of the tribe (forget their name, but many lived on the Bear Island Reserve) came to my rescue. "Can you play "Kawliga" son? That'll calm 'em down". KAWLIGA!!?? Hell, I figured that was racist, and would never think of playing it, considering the make-up of the audience.

But I was desperate. The owner was still yelling at me and all hell was definitely breaking out. I sang Kawliga. They loved it. They DID calm down (sort of). When it was over, the Chief asked me to sing "Running Bear"!! (the truly awful Johnnie Horton song, about "Little white dove...") Now the audience (both American Hunters and Canadian Natives) were focusing all their hyperness on ME! I'd exhausted my repertoire of tacky "Injun" songs.....but they yelled for those two songs AGAIN, and then AGAIN! Oi Vay!

I managed to take a break (ostensibly to fix a broken string), but knowing I had to go back on and play "Kawliga and Running bear" for the last hour of the night was too much. I pulled out my trusty Swiss Army Knife, poked a non-critical part of my thumb with one of the sharper things (not the fish-scaler/three inch ruler) and squeezed as much blood out as I could. Then it was MY turn to run to the owner.."Ow, Ow, I've cut myself on your P.A. amp (sorry Leej!) I'm gonna sue you, Ow, blood poisoning! He looked startled, but went for his first aid kit. I didn't want him to see that despite all the blood the puncture was pretty small, so I grabbed it off him and said "I can't work under these conditions" and ran off to my room. Next day he was VERY nice to me. I know, I was a craven coward...but it was the only time I've ever defended myself with my Swiss Army knife.

Any harrowing stories?

Rick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Big Mick
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:11 AM

Yep, buddy, I got one for you.

It was the day after St. Patricks Day, two years ago. The city was East Lansing, the venue was Jimmy's Pub. One of those places where the name implies one thing, but the reality is another. We were hired by an Irish American woman who was having a sales meeting in this place (BTW, it was an old Bill Knapps that had been converted to a "pub") and wanted us to play to create the "Irish" atmosphere. Now, despite the name, what this place really is, is a sports bar. You know, with TV's in every corner tuned to sports. I remember thinking that this was a nice crowd and we would win a few new fans for our band. They set us up in a corner..............with a TV set directly over our heads. Now, for you Yanks, think March Madness. For those that are not familiar with the term, it is marketing name for the NCAA national basketball tournament. This is the biggest sporting event in the States, with the possible exception of the Super Bowl. And Michigan State University, which is located in E. Lansing, is playing that night in (I believe) the Sweet 16. We asked the manager to turn the TV above our heads off, but he refused. We played for two hours with a nice crowd intently watching the game over our heads. We knew when we launched into a footstomping medly of tunes and the only reaction that we got was one man at a table in the corner tapping his finger, while intently watching the game over our heads that it was going to be a long night. At one point, one couple asked if we could just play nice light stuff that didn't distract from the game. But we played our hearts out, picked up our check, packed up and left at the end. Longest gig I have ever played.

All the best,

Mick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Big Mick
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:12 AM

Oh yeah.........and do me a favor........cover your mouth when you hack.........I have gigs this weekend and don't need what you got!!!

Mick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Bert
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:19 AM

I was booked to call a Square Dance. I arrived at the venue to find that it was a private party of college kids and I had been hired by "Dad" who didn't have a clue what the kids wanted. One thing was certain. They DIDN'T want a square dance. Oh, and this was in England so for college kids read University Students.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:30 AM

Thanks Mick..been there!! (far too many times!)

Bert, Those are the kind that ALWAYS go wrong! Someone hires you because they THINK the audience tastes are the same as their's.

I got to St. John's Newfoundland once, walked in to set up and the manager said (very proudly) "We've had the piano tuned for you". "Ummm, well thanks", I said, "but I'm a guitar player". "Oh jeez" he replied,"We HATE guitar players in here"! They did.

Rick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Bert
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:41 AM

LOL and much sympathy Rick.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Sorcha
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:42 AM

Oh god!! Mine doesn't hold a candle to Rick's!!

Village (pop. 650) SummerFest...@attendance--1,500. We are on a "low boy" flat bed trailer stage in full sun. Teperature is about 100 F......We have sound, a sound man, and an audience of 6--yes, six, people.

Our sound cannot compete with the "Chicken Race Calcutta" sound going on a block down the street. We had a stone face audience....(of six, mind you)and no matter what we did, they sat in their lawn chairs arms crossed over chests and stone faced.

I swear, the entire band could have done a total to the buff Strip Tease and not gotten any response at all.

Second worst was the Nursing Home the night Julia (Alzheimer's) decided she didn't want us in HER living room and whacked the fiddle/bow out of Dana's hands. I caught the bow, guitar player caught the fiddle, none of the rest of them even missed a beat.

Still not as good as Rick's.......

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:47 AM

Nothing to do with music................

I gave sales presentations and product demos to corporate bigwigs for several years with Sun, a leader in Automotive Diagnostic Equipment. We brought out a new computer analyzer which one of my accounts had funded a lot of the R&D on and I knew it well. It retailed at $25,000 and had a neat little feature....it talked. When we brought it into the main product line, I was responsible for doing the intro work for all the branches and their local sales reps. I also did a ton of trade shows with it and gawd knows what all for about the first 6 months. For the trades we had put in a demo program and the tester and I had a real dog and pony show going that was informative, humorous, and frankly appealed enough to some that we got some good sized initial orders. Toward the end of this time I got stuck with a show because the local rep felt it was beyond his abilty at the time and though he could help out, "Could we get Patterson to do the demo?"

So I fly into Memphis to demo an exotic and expensive analyzer to.............a convention of private cab company owners in the south. Have you ever ridden in a cab owned by a smaller cab company? ......In say, Birmingham or Houston or Tampa? I had......and I couldn't help but wonder why I was doing this! Geeziz, the things are lucky to have 3 wheels and a bad miss on only two cylinders!!! Have you ever ridden in one where the steering wheel spokes are lined up properly? I arrive and set-up with the local rep. We eat the rubber chicken meal and I get introduced. The tester and I do our bit and I swear to you it was like the cartoon where Daffy gets NO RESPONSE from the audience except for the chirping of crickets. About half way through, I reverted to the saleman I was and started asking questions about their businesses. Not a soul in the joint had anything more than a cheap timing light.

Afterwards though, a lot of them came up and said how funny and interesting the demo was............Couldn't use the thing, but loved the hell out of it. I know this may not be the experience you were looking for Rick, but as far as bad audiences go...........Well they were nice guys, just had no idea what I was talking about.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST,Timothy Cameron
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:48 AM

Oh thank you Rick. I can finally purge the memory of a gig at a certain pub on Madison Avenue here in Toronto. It's a hugely sucessful place, populated mostly by University of Toronto students intent on becoming catatonic before the evening is out. They have a little section in the middle of the room with a grand piano, at the keyboard end of which is a little cubby hole set into the wall. This cubby hole is about two feet by four feet. It's the "stage". Over the performers head are not one, not two, but three TVs, each tuned to a different sports network. The TVs are on a shelf which is only barely six feet off the ground since the original intention was for a pianist to SIT DOWN under there. The top of the piano sticks out into the room, and also serves as a sort of big round table top. As the evening wears on, these vacuous yuppies in training gather around the piano to stare blankly over the performer's head at the latest news on the hockey/football/Bulgarian Tiddlywinks, whatever. And the only time they acknowledge your presence is to request either Brown Eyed Girl or American Pie. Repeatedly. Those are the only songs they know. It's part of their religion. That and Labatt's. I once heard two real estate agents bragging about how much their respective wives' breast implants cost. By the end of my six-nighter there, I was in danger of losing my soul, so I had to say things like "Thank you for that warm round of indifference. Hey kids, have you ever wondered how many accidental pregnancies got started in this very room ? Here's another song by that band you've never heard of: the Beatles..." And the place was recently voted best pub by a local weekly arts and entertainment rag. Somebody stuffed the ballot box there...

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Bert
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:49 AM

And it can happen to anyone. I remember seeing Lonnie Donnegan on TV once and his audience consisted of "Old folks". Trouble was, that this was when Lonnie still appealed to young folks. The audience sat there stone faced.

He sang "Lively" and he made the quip "I sang this at a Policeman's ball last night - but we was only singing for coppers"

It was greeted with complete silence.

He shook his head and said "I wish I hadn't said that now"

He plodded on like a trooper but the crowd never did warm up.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:00 AM

ARGHHHHH, The MADISON!!

Spent a week there one night. Two of my friends still play it. The problem is not the yahoo....oops customers, they simply shouldn't have live music there. They don't need it.

Or the night at the Royal York when a guy kept reaching up on the stage and twirling the knobs on my chorus pedal. By the third time I was watching, and waiting for him...so as his hand started going for it, I timed it perfectly and STOMPED that pedal HARD, with his hand underneath it. Euphoria! Actually I hurt him pretty bad..even told my shrink about it....but I was smiling as I recounted it...and I am right now. My evil twin did it.

Rick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:01 AM

A small non-denominational church in Fort Worth, Texas. They bluntly "cast me from their midst".

Such is the price of being a "heretic"!

khandu

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Amergin
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:05 AM

This is a bit of a creep, but here it goes....there is a little restaurant here in Portland that hosts open mike poetry sessions on Tuesday evenings.....The Cafe Lena it is called.....Well, I was going there every once in a while for a bit there.....that is until the last time I went.....I show up and of course everybody has their poet costumes on....you know the ones...the black turtlenecks, horned rimmed glasses, and whatnot....so much so I could almost hear the snapping fingers.....then there was me wearing a Bloody Thursday Memorial Picnic T-shirt...... Well, I get up there and can just feel the conflicting egos emanating from every memeber of the audience....each one there thinking that their poetry was the best ever written....and granted some of it was ok.....but not the best by a long shot.....everyone getting up there using big words that no one knows the meaning of, in the lines of their verse.....then there was me.....using words that most everyone knew.....Well, like I said I get up there and feel the condescension attempting to stare me down.....attempting to cow me off the mike....not exactly hostile.....but not all that friendly either....well, I left shortly after I was finished reciting my thing....and have never back....I just hated to be made to feel uncomfortable like that....luckily, it did not kill the joy of performing.....but it did make me never to want to return to that place.....

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:32 AM

Two come to mind. About 25 years ago, my old partner and I had a Tuesday night gig in Fitchburg, Mass. The owner wanted to try and make Tuesdays his "Irish" night, and since we were well etablished on the Massachusetts Irish circuit at that time, he hired us. So we arrived 2 hours before showtime, and set up our gear - 2 Shure Vocalmaster half-columns, with the old reliable Vocalmaster head and did a sound check. Then we had a burger and waited for the crowd to show up. The owner neglected to tell us that the local chapter of the Hell's Angels or the Pagans or some such biker group usually had their weekly meetings there on Tuesdays.... Well, I never heard such requests in my life!! First of all, my guitar wouldn't fit there, and if it did, I wouldn't be able to tune it.

Same for my partner's banjo.

After a lot of ugliness, the owner said, "This ain't workin' tonight, boys." So he paid us, and we got the hell outta there, terrified, never to return.

The second was in Alaska in January about 5 years ago. I was booked to do a show in Old Harbor on Kodiak in a Native activities Center. So I arrived off the plane with my little P.A., a few CDs to sell and my guitar and bodhran. I went to the hall to set up my gear, when some of the locals started coming in and asking, "What's going on? This is Bingo night." The booker had neglected to tell the folks that I was coming, and they really didn't want to hear Irish music on Bingo night. The booker showed up, and explained the situation to them and apologized to me for not promoting the concert properly. So with a very ill-grace they consented to let me start my show.

Well, I worked my ass off! Jokes, comedy bits, audience participation, funny songs, stories, and by the end of the first hour I had them. So I said, "I'm going to take a short break now, and come back for the second half in about 15 minutes." They yelled in unison, "Second half?? No!! We gotta play Bingo!"

The guy who booked me came and said, "Seamus, here's your money. You don't have to do the second half." So I broke the gear down, and went to my room across the street to change out of my working duds, and came back and played bingo with them for the rest of the night. I won $200 too, which really pissed them off. First, I took up an hour of their valuable bingo time, then I win $200 of their prize money. But while playing Bingo they were a very amiable, friendly group of folks, and I enjoyed that part of the evening.

All the best.

Seamus

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:47 AM

I once played a christmas party in a machine shop. It was for the shop's employees and their friends/families. I played fiddle in an Irish music pickup band recruited from a session. We had a piano accordion, two fiddles, guitar, and mandolin, and settled into our chairs ready to play the usual session tunes we'd been playing together. The guests were listening and dancing to rock music out of a boom box. As soon as the boom box was turned off so we could start our first set, the guests let out a loud "Awwwww!" We start into our tunes, and the guests are resigned to talking with each other and waiting for the end of our set. As soon as the set ends, the boom box goes back on, the guests cheer, and go back to dancing. At that point, one of our fiddlers had a good idea, and approached the host, telling him that since many of the guests want to dance to the rock music, what if we go into an adjoining room and play there, so if anyone wants to listen to us, they can join us there. The host readily agrees, and we step into a room full of electric drills, saws, etc. It is cold as ice, and we settled in under an overhead heater and take out our instruments. There are two people in that room, and as soon as they see our instruments, they walk out! So, there we are, freezing cold, playing to nobody. Well, what the heck, we're getting paid so why don't we just play tunes for our own pleasure and not worry about it, we all agree. After awhile a guy walks in, big grin on his face, and listens. He's three sheets to the wind, but he's our fan for the evening. After listening for about a half-hour, he asks us "What is this? Is this a party? Is this your place?" He was a crasher! Either that, or he was too drunk to remember where he was, but he was our biggest fan. Another case of a host wanting to have something "different" for the guests, but not really knowing what was in store.

-chanteyranger

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:03 AM

Quite a while ago now!

We were booked as a folk act at Wandsworth Prison in London by an agent. When we were set up and into the first set we quickly realised the convicts (and Wandsworth is a fairly "hard" prison) were expecting to hear and wanted to hear C&W!

We did our best trying to remember what little Johnny Cash and Hank Williams we knew and it was a very steep learning curve indeed!

mcmoo

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:59 AM

It wasn't the audience, it was the venue.... Late August... a family reunion outdoor BBQ starting at 8PM... near the tidal flat salt marshes of the Peticodiac River next to the edge of the woods beside a large pond... NO MOSQUITO REPELLANT !!! I even had to pick the dead buggers off my Hran the next day. I'm still scratching.

itchygnu

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: kendall
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 09:09 AM

The Union League Club in NYC. They didnt want folk songs and Maine humor, they wanted dirty jokes! Another bad one, the crew of Seabrook power plant in NH. I dont know what they wanted, but, I didnt have it.(Had a wife like that once)

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 09:33 AM

I played one joint, my own fault I booked it, where I walked in to set up with heavy metal blaring on the jukebox. My string trio playing blues and folk never stood a chance.
We where 1 song in a fast thumpin version of "prodigal son" when someone walked up and asked us to play something up tempo, "your putting us to sleep" were her exact words.I don't believe they had ever heard music without drums, or anything that hadn't been on the awful radio .
We had a heckler, all night long, he was having a grand old time at our expense. " Do you know any songs from this century?". " Are you aware that you SUCK.".....
The only song they liked all night was an unrehearsed thrown together version of "knockin on heavens door". They thought we gave in and played some GUNS N ROSES for them.
At the end of the night someone payed us a compliment " I hate the kinda music you guys play, but your alright." Very, very, very long night.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Dahlin
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:29 AM

Playing for a wooden boat builders show. End of first day of show - free meal and free beer for all the exhibitors -an annual event with folks who probably hadn't seen each other since last year - a capella singing with no sound system. Fill in the rest. Sort of like singing into a howlin' Northeaster'.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Mooh
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:33 AM

War stories...man, you guys have got war stories!

The wonderful little southern Ontario town of Collingwood has an Elvis festival which attracts a quadrillion people, many dressed as Elvis. However, the town's "Celtic Continuum" festival attracted almost zero people one year, and only a handful the next. Literally. The first year we played it, it was on a downtown paved parking lot, and aside from a few volunteers, there was nobody there. We've attracted more folks to a midwinter band practice. The following year, in a nearby pasture, there were maybe a half dozen people, mostly band hangers-on, and a few merchants/vendors. Sure we got paid (thank goodness for corporate sponsors) but without an audience what's the point in showing up?

One little combo I played in was booked to play a pub where the stage was in front of the big screen TV, whereon the hockey play-offs were in full tilt. The crowd, more intent on replacing their blood with booze, ignored us and the TV. I might have been the only one in the room who actually wanted to watch the game, but since it was directly behind me I missed the whole thing.

Lighting equipment falling on my Telecaster, drunken bar wenches falling on a Gibson SG, stolen gear, shorted payments, awol musicians, bad food...it's a wonder I'm not seeing a therapist.

I like hecklers though, they give me an opportunity to vent, and they can be twisted into comic relief. But that's another thread.

Peace. Mooh.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Justa Picker
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:54 AM

You might also want to take a look at this older thread called A Gig From Hell.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:01 PM

I once played a house party, not really a house party so much as a "Dock on the river outback of the estate" party. While we were playing the house was robbed. The host went up to the house and discovered it and at 200 yards he yelled " The F#$#@@# party is OVER!!!!" loud enough to be heard over the 7 piece electric band.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:05 PM

Bikers! Oh yeah!

Used to play at a CURLING RINK/BAR (is it any wonder I used to see a shrink?) called the Broom and Stone. The Satan's Choice Bikers LOVED the place! Their favourite song was an odious little number called "The Rodeo Song", which I refused to play. What saved my ass was that the head Biker Honcho loved Gerry and the Pacemakers. Ferry Cross the Mersey, and Don't Let The Sun Catch You Cryin' allowed me to escape with my life each night.

Hi Mooh. Remember the Celtic Continuum well. Played there four years. Do you remember when it was held at a horse farm and Back-stage smelled like MANURE!! The old folksong "There Ain't No Flies on Me" would have been appropriate....but not accurate!

Rick

P.S. Something just occurred to me. IF EACH OF US HAD PLAYED EACH OTHER'S GIG...SOME OF THIS CARNAGE COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED! I could have done yours McMoo, and kept the prisoners happy with all my old Country stuff. Maybe Seamus' Irish jokes would have worked with the ones who didn't want "Maine jokes". Or maybe if we all showed up en masse and just "outnumbered 'em"!

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:11 PM

These are hysterical, I'm gonna have to read them all some day when I have time. My answer is 2 words: MY TWINS! They are so bloody HONEST!!!

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Peter T.
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:09 PM

Not music, but theatre. In university I somehow got involved with a small group that did Christian theatre (I was not a Christian) for churches, and so on. The plays they did were uniformly dreadful (like Game Shows where the questions are things like, "For 60$, are you living responsibly?"). Anyway, I eventually fled, and then one summer afternoon, the Director of this company -- who thought of himself as an auteur -- phoned me up and said would you be interested in something serious, and we are doing it for summer stock next weekend in a barn, and it would be a nice time in the country?" Summer Stock! Every actor's experience! So like an idiot I went. The play was something called "The Heat Death of the Universe", indescribably tedious. The Director decided (this was 1971) that what the play needed was some Jefferson Airplane like lava-lamp gels (you know, what they used to have at JA concerts), and an electric guitar group to play at the opening and intermission. We rehearse for two days in this big barn, full of hay. Opening night. It turns out that the audience is two busloads of Christian teenagers from Uxbridge or somewhere, one busload from a girl's teenage centre, and one from a boy's. It is summertime, August. Barn. Nightime. Lots of outdoors nearby. The play begins with an intro from the dreadful electric guitar band. The lava-lamp begins, the lights go down. We come on. About half the audience is still there, making out. The other half has gone into the woods. As the play progresses, the actors who are not on, stand on the end of the makeshift stage, watching a scene out of a Fellini film unfolding in the near recesses of the barn. There are no supervisors, nothing. The play slows down visibly, as we actors forget our lines, stare out at the spectacle, and wonder if our turn will come. The band disappears, presumably with members of the audience. Two thirds of the way through Act 1, two cars pull up. It is the chaperones, who had lost their way coming north (none bright enough to go in the busses). They enter the premises, and proceed to shriek hysterically at the top of their lungs, and demand that the Director stop the play, that he was responsible for this mayhem. The Director (manning the lava-lamp) argues with them, from backstage. A shouting match ensues. The play is halted. The remnants of the audience is semi-detached from each other, and hauled back on the buses, under guard. For the next three hours, students wander back, are pulled out of who knows what, and the band never reappears. Eventually, at midnight, the whole circus drives off.

Cut to next morning. We are at breakfast in the farmhouse. "You know," said the Director,"That would make a great play." I became a security guard for the rest of the summer.

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:29 PM

" It is called a Banjo. No , we don't know any Limp Bisquit."

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Kim C
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:23 PM

I don't like playing for banquets/dinners very much. People don't listen. If ya didn't wanta listen, why in the Sam Hill didja hire us? This last one we played was a small crowd, and we got paid, and we got fed, and they were Very Very Nice to us, and we even sold a coupla tapes. But they talked through the whole thing, and sometimes loudly. :(

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: bigchuck
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:19 PM

A few years back we were booked into the Westport Marina, a challenging room at best, during the womens diving and gymnastics finals of the summer Olympics. They should have just paid us and sent us home. No hostility, but....

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 11:06 PM

Margaret and I had a gig scheduled during the last play off game the sixth time the Chicago Bulls won the championship. We were a mere 50 miles from Chicago. I twisted some arms on the promise that we would end the first set in time for them to get home to watch the game. My folks come to about one of our concerts a year, when we play locally. If they hadn't been in the audience for the second half, we would have had two bored wait persons. I drove the band back to Chicago hoping I could get everyone home before the mayhem erupted (almost made it too).

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Mooh
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 08:55 AM

Rick,

Yeah, I was at that horse farm Celtic Continuum. If my memory serves at all, that was the one where Scott from the Celtic Offspring and I were the only patrons at the beer tent for an entire evening, other than a couple of volunteers with nothing to do but drink. I slept on the floor of my van and in the morning wondered if death would be more merciful than my hangover. Were you there with your luthier friend (oh geez I forget his name again, built for Emmylou, Burks Falls or somewhere, nice work...)?

Mooh.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Jim the Bart
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 10:23 AM

Phil Cooper - I can relate. During the championship years there was no point playing on a night when the Bulls had a playoff game.

Early on, in the "Gee, I'm a professional!" stage of my musical life, I was working in a folk trio in Chicago and the Midwest. Heck, we were anywhere we could get paid. We did mostly Hank Williams, Flatt & Scruggs and Bob Dylan songs but we hooked up with an agent out of Wisconsin who was looking for country rock bands. We did three weeks of touring in the worst joints you could imagine; three come to mind.

The worst? The strip club on the night the girls didn't work. We were not what the guys who showed up expected at all. There is a tie for #2 & #3, though. One was the basement of a bowling alley in a little town where the prime industry was the State Prison. The other was the place on the little road at the edge of town that the county decided to tear up the week we were in town. We never saw anyone (other than the frantic owner) during the whole time we were there.

The thing about hell is not that it's such a nasty place; it's that it just goes on, and on, and on. . .

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST,ApparentDefense
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 11:50 AM

Either performing at the World Championship Muskrat Skinning Contest in Cambridge, Maryland-1964....OR while working with a tuxedo wearing pop-jazz singing group and opening for The Fugs at a Students for a Democratic Society (SDS) concert at the University of Maryland in 1966.

Tough crowds.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 12:23 PM

Rick - "I can't play under these conditions!"

Ha! Ha! Ha! I love it! Great story. You had a grand opportunity there to re-enact the Battle of Tippicanoe with just a little bad judgement, but if you had done so you might not have survived the event, of course...

Got any good stories about Blind River?

- LH

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Deni
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:14 PM

I think it was the eighties. i was in a showband, doing disco music, feel free to laugh, and some of our favourite pop. We threw in a few ABBA songs for good measure. We got to a gig, in Wales, a few hundred milesaway from home, the organiser digested that the band was a six-piece with TWO female singers, and seemed happy. Little was I to know, that the agent had booked us in as a 'Tribute to ABBA' and the organiser thought he was seing Anna and Agnetha. They were stony-faced during our warm up numbers, so we hit them with THE SONG THAT NEVER FAILS. They were stony faced, and someone shouted out for ABBA. We gave them the two ABBa songs that we did and the audience were demented, clapping and singing along. Having reached the end of our ABBA stuff, we went on with something else, telling them that's all we knew. The organiser then marched on stage and thrust the TRIBUTE TO ABBA poster someone had made right in our faces. The audience booed and threw things, (or did I just make that up...it was probably 2 crisp bags and a beer mat, nothing serious like glasses...) We were thrown out, not paid, and to cap it all the van key broke in the ignition and there we were, stuck, three hundred miles from home in a Welsh village with only a few sympathetic sheep for company. BAAA.

After that, we always talked very carefully to agents about what they were saying about us...

and then we played Dartmoor Prison....

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 05:17 PM

Deni, I wanna know what happened in Dartmoor!

Mooh. That was Glen Reid. Played with him on St. Paddy's day. Oh THE FLIES! THE FLIES!

Little Hawk, there's a follow up to that "Swiss Army Massacree" story that even someone who regularly spills his guts on Mudcat can't tell publicly. I'll tell you sometime, when I've had a few beers!

Rick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 09:57 PM

Oh, my.

- LH

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: jcdevildog
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 12:17 AM

Well, these stories certainly cheer me up! My gig from hell was a writer's conference, believe it or not. The leader of our songwriter's organization talked a group of us into doing a "songwriters in the round" for free--instead of $, we were supposed to get a free meal and to participate in the conference for free. Well, we got there: there was only one mike (and no pick-ups) for five of us, and the gig was for the cocktail hour, during which the crowd all talked at once at the top of their lungs and ate all the food before we could get to it. I compensated by singing the dirtiest songs I knew, since no one was listening anyway. And then the organizer denied any knowledge of the deal for free admission to the conference: she didn't even want to comp our parking fees. But at least they didn't throw things!

I've also had the misfortune to be present at several fairly prominent musicians' or groups' "gigs from hell": the gig (by a well-known songwriter) where the venue did no publicity, there were about six people (several of them non-paying friends of the owner), and we were told not to walk outside because it was a bad neighborhood; and the bluegrass band who showed up at a folk club where they'd previously been well received to find it had changed management and was now a biker bar; and the festival where the singer-songwriter stage was adjacent to a larger, high-decibel stage (amps turned up to 11)which kept drowning them out. Having witnessed these debacles helps put my own misfortunes in perspective.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From:
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:59 AM

ex wife.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Deni
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 01:05 PM

Rick Fielding

I'll PM you as it is a tawdry little tale involving a third party who might not want to be identified.

Deni

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 01:50 PM

Sounds good Deni. I'll respond with the REALLY weird thing that happened AFTER I poked my finger!

Not one of my WORST gigs, but funny to me now. I was doing a soundcheck in a crappy "sports bar" (that means HUGE TV with drunken louts watching anything that remotely passes for "sport"...even DARTS!)

After I'd sung half a song, the waitress said "How long will you be playing here?" Two weeks I said. "I friggin' HOPE not" she replied. One hour later a fight broke out three feet in front of me. I got my ass out fast! Sound system and all. Guess the waitress was relieved.

Rick

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 05 Apr 01 - 08:38 AM

Rick,

Believe it or not, The Broom & Stone is still there and I had the misfortune of being there over the Christmas break. The curling rink is long gone, replaced by a high rise office building, but on the main floor is a much smaller Broom & Stone.

I ended up there with a guy and a woman that I work with. The bikers are still there, only they're gray haired and old now. We were there about three minutes before we were first accused of being cops. Now I've been accused of this before, but before long the three of us were being accused of it by everyone in the bar. I just wanted to get out of there, (I don't tolerate goofs well) but the woman was there to meet a male friend of hers whose dart team was playing there, she didn't want to leave. But the Broom is still at the corner of Midland and Lawrence. Perhaps you should see if you can get a gig there for old times sake. It's still a hole, only on a smaller scale.

The best part of the evening for me was when we were leaving. We walked out to find about eight of our accusers blowing a joint. Even though we had spent the night denying we were cops things went awfully silent as I looked directly over at them and bid them a good night.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: KitKat
Date: 05 Apr 01 - 09:26 AM

My worst gig was playing for a medieval banquet one Christmas in the late 70s/early 1980s. The crowd were the employees of Barclays Bank in Tywford. After they had finished ramming each others' faces into their apple pie and ice cream, they proceeded to set fire to toilet rolls and throw them up and down the tables. The police were called and I moved my account to NatWest.

Then there was the ceilidh for a wedding reception where the guests were all stoned, drunk or both. Ever tried getting people to dance who couldn't even tell which way is up?

KitKat

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Hyperabid
Date: 06 Apr 01 - 07:13 AM

Back in my student days in OXford I was 2nd Guitar for a group known as the evacuees playing jangly indie pop for the student market.

We were booked to play Hertford college and found ourselves playing an hour long set to 6 people 3 of whom we knew and one turned out to be a reviewer for the local student magazine.

Applause and enthusiasm were not exactly forthcoming.

The following review appeared the next day.

"I popped into Hertford College and happened accross an outfit known as 'Evacuees'. They played mainly college standards including 'Hanging on the telephone' and 'Echo Beach'. The musical line up looked and played like the front row of a Rugby scrum whilst the lead singer Nami sang like one of Frank Chickens with her wings and cackle clipped. Still I guess it is useful to know that college bands are still providing some form of service".

I still have a contract out on the reviewer provided you are prepared to provide me with his haid on a plate like John the Baptist.

Hyper

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: GUEST,Rag
Date: 06 Apr 01 - 07:56 AM

Did a gig with a four piece band a few years ago in a pub called the BeeHive in Abingdon. It was a complete animal house - landlord out of his head, most of the customers had been in there for hours getting tanked up. Lots of falling about. We were playing traditional stuff mostly Irish and they were getting very excited excited, shouting good-natured abuse and insults, and various threats involving anatomical rearrangements.

After a lot of falling about, knocking over mic stands and speakers, one of the locals decides that we needed to see his bodywork and tried to pull his jeans down. His dexterity was shot away by this time so he was pretty inept but ended up on the floor in front of us wriggling and waving his legs in the air. We kept playing. They kept dancing. Anyone who wasn't completely smashed had left by this time.

At the end of the gig, which lasted centuries, the landlord slobbered at us that he's pay us loads of money to play again. Somehow we just couldn't find a figure high enough...

Recently we heard that the pub has not had its licence renewed. Surprise surprise. Never been in there since.

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Whistleworks
Date: 06 Apr 01 - 08:33 AM

Did a wedding in Dover, Delaware about 5 years ago. The father of the bride, being Irish, wanted some whistle and guitar music BETWEEN sets of a big band orchestra. By the time the band took a break, everyone was damned near paralytic. We took the stage, and between the notes of Morrison's Jig, we heard things like "Rollin on the River" and "Do you know the Chicken Dance?" We got paid, ate like kings (this was a COUNTRY CLUB) and took off well before anyone knew (or cared) that we were gone.

Bob Pegritz

Subject: RE: Your absolute WORST audience ever!
From: Troll
Date: 06 Apr 01 - 09:04 AM

When the Memsahib and I first got married, we did a dou and took anything we could get to bring in a few dollars. We were hired to do a show for a very expensive after school care business- folk music for the kiddies.
We learned some kids songs and, with all out instruments (they also wanted instrument demonstrations) showed up at the appointed time. The director introduced us to the fifty or so kids-ages 7 thru 9- and left.
It was then that we noticed that WE were the only adults in the room and it quickly became apparent that these kids were spoiled rotten and used to getting their own way. There was no separation as they were siting on the floor in front of us in a large, bare room.
After the third time one of them grabbed my banjo, we went from a duo to a solo act, with my wife standing guard while I sang and played. The little b*****ds actually enjoyed the show but they were really terrors unless we watched them every minute.
We afterwards told the director that we would not care to work for her again unless she provided staff to maintain order. She was highly miffed and informed us that no one had EVER had problems with HER kids before and she couldn't IMAGINE what we were talking about.
We later found out that none of the groups in town who did any kind of kids show ever worked there more than once.

troll