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New Computer Features
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Subject: New Computer Features From: UB Ed Date: 18 Apr 01 - 02:06 PM Check this out:
Some of the features could be useful as we get into our BS discussions!
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: mousethief Date: 18 Apr 01 - 02:09 PM Try this one instead: blicky Alex |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: UB Ed Date: 18 Apr 01 - 02:12 PM Thanks Alex, I thought I had this clicky thing down! Guess not. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: mousethief Date: 18 Apr 01 - 03:56 PM I love the ones about the F*****G paperclip. I HATE that thing! Alex |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Liz the Squeak Date: 18 Apr 01 - 04:28 PM Love the last one..... LTS |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Bernard Date: 18 Apr 01 - 05:37 PM Ee, they're great!! There's one missing, though - it's the windows dialogue box that says:
Replace human and try again Anyone who wants it (can be used as 'wallpaper'), download it click here!! |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Bill D Date: 18 Apr 01 - 11:48 PM you folks know, I hope, that the paper clip can be turned off! |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: UB Ed Date: 19 Apr 01 - 08:15 AM Yeah, you can turn the paper clip off. I'm trying to train myself not to scream while doing so (seems stupid to yell at a computer). |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Apr 01 - 11:00 AM Sorry if you guys have seen this before but howz about a new help desk to go with the new features.... General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers-but imagine if they did ...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed-and now it won't start!" HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Geoff the Duck Date: 19 Apr 01 - 05:30 PM Dave - the difference is that when you have been driving for 20 years they don't suddenly alter the steering sothat when you turn the wheel clockwise the car suddenly decides to turn to the left instesd of to the right like they usually do. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: GUEST,Bruce O. Date: 19 Apr 01 - 05:45 PM I guess it's about time for Alan Dundas and Carl Pagter to supplement their 'Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire', 1975, with one on the internet empire. (It's really pretty much the same material, however, just dressed a little differently.
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: mousethief Date: 19 Apr 01 - 05:46 PM I know you can turn it (the homunculi helper feature) DOWN, but I've found now way to turn it off completely. With it turned down to a low enough level it hardly ever bothers you, but occasionally it will still pop up. How do you turn it all the way off? I'd love to know. Alex |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Mrs.Duck Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:11 PM What paper clip I haven't got one does that mean my computer will fall apart? |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: mousethief Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:14 PM It's a feature in Microsoft Word, Mrs. Duck. When you start to do something at all tricky (like begin a new paragraph), it will pop up and offer you suggestions on how to do it. Very annoying. You can set it to various different personnae (paperclip, diamond, sphere, whatever), each of which comes with a higher or lower "sensitivity" level -- meaning the thing you are about to do can get more complex (creating a new page, e.g.) without the thing popping up. If you don't use Microsoft Word, or if your version is older than the ones which first included the blasted paperclip, then you won't see it. I have no idea if it turns up in Macintosh versions of MSW. Mac users? Alex |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Burke Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:22 PM Usually he's off on my machine. I clicked on him said "turn you off" & got nothing useful. Then I entered "turn assistant off" & found this. The Office Assistant is distracting. Choose a different Office Assistant [not good enough, stuff deleted] Limit its movements [also not enough] Move the Assistant [are you kidding? It's always on top of a button I want to click]
Here's the real help Turn off the Assistant Click the Assistant, and then click Options. On the Options tab, clear the Use the Office Assistant check box.
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: mousethief Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:28 PM Alas, Burke, there ain't no "Use the Office Assistant" check box. Alex |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Burke Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:34 PM I just turned him off. When I clicked on the idiot, I got space for a question and 2 buttons below. One was options, the other was something else. I clicked on Options & there were 2 tabs. One was to change to a different assistant, the other was for when you want to hear from him. The very top check box on that tab was "Use the Office Assistant" Clicking there, took the check out & all the other options faded out. I'm doing this with MS office, so if you just have a Word version, maybe it's different. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: mousethief Date: 19 Apr 01 - 06:37 PM Yea; that box don't exist in my version. The tab you mention has a bunch of different check boxes. I just unclicked them all. Hopefully that will do the same thing. Thanks! Alex |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Jeri Date: 19 Apr 01 - 07:20 PM Glad to find I'm not alone when it comes to despising that stupid paper clip. It WINKS at you, for Pete's sake! If I'm frustrated trying to get something to work, the last thing I need is a smirking, winking, smart-assed paperclip! I used to sit in my office and tell the little bugger off. My boss would come in to see what was wrong. "It's that smug little animated b*stard." She eventually stopped worrying what I was upset about...probably started worrying about whether I owned any handguns... |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: A Wandering Minstrel Date: 20 Apr 01 - 11:26 AM Change the paperclip for skribble the cat ( much more fun!) right click on the paperclip choose chage the assistant, pick one thats more fun! |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Gervase Date: 20 Apr 01 - 11:53 AM Aye, the irritating little b***** turns up on the Mac as well. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Jon Freeman Date: 20 Apr 01 - 12:37 PM What I want to know is whether there is anyone who does like the paper clip. I have cursed and swore at the damn thing on several occasions. Jon |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: MudGuard Date: 20 Apr 01 - 12:57 PM The option to switch paperclip off was introduced in Office 2000 In case everything else fails to turn the paperclip off, try this: on c:, usually under programs (or program files), then microsoft office somewhere below is a folder called actors close all Office programs, rename this folder and restart your office programs As Word (or Excel or Access...) won't find the paperclip (or Albert Einstein or that stupid dog or ...) it won't display it any longer. If you install a new version, you will have to redo this... I have heard some rumours that Office XP, the next generation, won't have this stupid thing any longer MudGuard |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 20 Apr 01 - 02:25 PM HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER CALLING FROM CELLPHONE: "My car stopped and won't start again." HELPLINE: "Try this. Get out and then get back in." |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Bernard Date: 20 Apr 01 - 05:00 PM In the UK we can re-boot cars. In the US you have to re-trunk them. Just a thought... ...and here's another!
This guy should have been promoted, not fired - the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee on the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department (now we know why they record these conversations!).
Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired! "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor? "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer." |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Mr Red Date: 21 Apr 01 - 06:14 AM Yea can Bill Gates give us a "De Ja Vu" button so when we see a naggingly familiar item all we have to do is hit the key instead of our foreheads. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Bernard Date: 21 Apr 01 - 09:38 AM He has! Ctrl-Alt-Del - that way we can all see something naggingly familiar. Admittedly it is different on NT and 2000...
Did you know there had been a Geordie release of Windows? Microsoft Announcement!RE: Geordie Version Of Windows 2000The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads Windiz 2000 with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver. Also note:
Other Features:
Also note that Windiz 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs exclusive to Windiz 2000:
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Sarah the flute Date: 21 Apr 01 - 09:50 AM A member of the senior management team at my workplace rang our IT department and blasted them for not mending her machine and leaving it so that it did nothing. They explained to her as gently as possible that they had actually taken the computer away to be mended and were about to return it and that what she was looking at was in fact just a keyboard and a monitor! |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Banjer Date: 21 Apr 01 - 04:25 PM Just recently I fell heir to this compendium of computer terms for country folk. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the trunk. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter. WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside. SCREEN: What t o shut during black fly season. BYTE: What them dang flies do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Where ya hang yer keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastical knives and forks. MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. PORT: Fancy flatlander wine. ENTER: Northener talk fer 'C'mon in y'all' Now I finally understand all this fancy talk!!! |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Bernard Date: 22 Apr 01 - 05:36 AM Yeah...
I always thought... |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: GUEST,an is guy Date: 22 Apr 01 - 07:21 PM (A quick check list for those who need help with their computers.) 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Banjer Date: 22 Apr 01 - 07:36 PM My, My, do I detect a note of sarcasm there? I know where you are coming from Guest, an is guy, except for me I get it in the automotive field. Some of the questions are not unlike the previous post about the GM Helpline. Customer buying a water pump..."Will I need any special tools to put this on?" "No, sir, just regular ones" is my favorite answer. "If this ECC (Engine Control Computer) doesn't fix my problem can I bring it back?" (Returns on installed electronic components are not allowed anywhere that I know of) My fav reply to that one is, "Sure you can bring it back, but as it says right on your invoice, There is NO RETURN on electrical parts so I won't be giving you any money back if you return it. |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: GUEST,an is guy Date: 22 Apr 01 - 08:46 PM why is "dumbass" the only commodity never on backorder? |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: David Coffin Date: 22 Apr 01 - 09:44 PM I suddenly feel like a real idiot. I just got Microsoft Word a month ago and I always thought the paperclip was a stethescope. I just took a closer look and gee, whaddya know? And all this time I was under the impression that the good doctor was sitting there waiting for me to screw up so he/she could tell me what a fool I was when all this time I was already the fool. Talk about missed opportunities. David |
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Subject: RE: New Computer Features From: Bernard Date: 23 Apr 01 - 07:29 PM Most of us felt a real idiot the moment we tried to install Microsoft Office... for that matter, Windows!! A lot of us fondly remember good ol' DOS! Nostalgia - it ain't what it used to be... |
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