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Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)

Peter T. 23 Apr 01 - 05:37 PM
Bert 23 Apr 01 - 06:14 PM
mousethief 23 Apr 01 - 06:24 PM
Peter T. 23 Apr 01 - 06:33 PM
Caitrin 23 Apr 01 - 08:34 PM
GUEST,joe 23 Apr 01 - 11:19 PM
CarolC 24 Apr 01 - 01:46 AM
Amergin 24 Apr 01 - 03:39 AM
JenEllen 24 Apr 01 - 05:18 AM
alison 24 Apr 01 - 05:29 AM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 07:57 AM
Fibula Mattock 24 Apr 01 - 10:17 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 24 Apr 01 - 10:41 AM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 10:54 AM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 12:01 PM
MMario 24 Apr 01 - 12:08 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 12:12 PM
Amergin 24 Apr 01 - 12:16 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 12:19 PM
harpmolly 24 Apr 01 - 12:45 PM
SINSULL 24 Apr 01 - 12:54 PM
Bert 24 Apr 01 - 12:57 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 12:57 PM
GUEST,Turkey Turd the Third 24 Apr 01 - 12:58 PM
harpmolly 24 Apr 01 - 01:07 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 01:07 PM
Amergin 24 Apr 01 - 01:10 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 01:10 PM
Amergin 24 Apr 01 - 01:13 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 01:21 PM
SINSULL 24 Apr 01 - 01:26 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 01:29 PM
SINSULL 24 Apr 01 - 01:36 PM
Bert 24 Apr 01 - 01:46 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 02:06 PM
SINSULL 24 Apr 01 - 02:34 PM
Bert 24 Apr 01 - 02:41 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 02:53 PM
SINSULL 24 Apr 01 - 02:59 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 03:01 PM
Caitrin 24 Apr 01 - 03:29 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 03:38 PM
SINSULL 24 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM
Amergin 24 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM
mousethief 24 Apr 01 - 03:43 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 03:45 PM
Liz the Squeak 24 Apr 01 - 03:46 PM
MMario 24 Apr 01 - 03:50 PM
gnu 24 Apr 01 - 03:58 PM
Caitrin 24 Apr 01 - 04:02 PM
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Subject: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Peter T.
Date: 23 Apr 01 - 05:37 PM

Continuing beneath the sheltering arms of The Sheltering Arms, also known as the Mudcat Tavern....


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Bert
Date: 23 Apr 01 - 06:14 PM

I see that gnu has started a tab. At last my Master card can get some rest. I'll have a large Pusser's! Cheers gnu!


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 23 Apr 01 - 06:24 PM

Something scotch, very old, and a chair near the fire.

Alex


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Peter T.
Date: 23 Apr 01 - 06:33 PM

Meanwhile, at a table not far away, an ebullient Principessa continued to pore over the invention of the 21st century, which given that so far the top invention had been the Florida ballot, was not saying much. The erstwhile inventor, cozily Hiberniating like any good Hyperborean, felt an increasing sense of apprehension as he witnessed her scanning of his Scanner in the works, but actually faking his awaking was tempered by the realization that the thing hadn't been actually built yet, and so should he come to what passed for life he would be back in the tense no man's land without a red cross nurse, or to put it more succinctly, between Abraham holding up the knife to kill Isaac and the as yet unarrival of the ram chops, known as the Shyness Unto Death.

He was somewhat relieved to discover, as best he could given his awkward lying doggo position, that she had inadvertantly dropped onto the floor the second page, upon which he had indicated the flipsite settings for the opposite sex, to whit:

1. wedding ring detector: how significant is the little tanless circle on his inner finger, on a Tan gradient scale of 1-10? Has he removed a ring in the past 24 hours, and is it perchance sitting on the sink of his pottery studio where he took it off to ensure a smooth finish, if I can put it like that....

2. Gameboy assessor: a skein of flashing lights and smashing sounds determining if his idea of interaction is, on the evolutionary ladder, somewhere above amoeba and below pinball.

3. Hubble Hairoscope -- Roots, shoots, tapeovers, plugs, wind arounds, backhair up the collar and over, eyebrows combed back, dyed partially forehead colour and then browned?

4. Dumpsterferometer -- Calibration of the half-life of promises, based on Yucca Mountain High-Level Nuclear Waste Repository Standard Time, i.e. A million years unless things go wrong next week.

5. Snappycomebackcomplexifier-- Computerised evaluation of repartee beyond initial pickup line, response, subsequent bifurcation, 4-ply potential responses, 16 track mind, etc. Printout: How long can he keep it up before resorting to grunts?

6. Diamondsandrustometer -- Ultimate synthesis calculation, crosstabs of costs, family, the really bad day when his Other VISA bill came home by mistake, plus benefits.

It was a start, though of course he could not fathom or even drop a string with a weight attached the mysteries of the female mind. What began to interest him however was the intriguing fact that she had connected the male to the female in his wiring diagram in a complex, but plausible way that had never occurred to him before, and this meant that he could actually see his way to making the machine work, though, like the poet Horace, who liked to have walls of mirrors in his bedroom so he could work through all the variations, it was going to be like a Mobius stripper he once saw who never seemed to come to an end.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Caitrin
Date: 23 Apr 01 - 08:34 PM

Thanks, MMario! I've contacted the Sterling Festival folks to see if they're still hiring stagehands... probably not this late in the game, but I still have my hopes. It's certainly something to keep in mind for next summer, anyway--it looks like bookoos of fun!


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: GUEST,joe
Date: 23 Apr 01 - 11:19 PM

that was nearly all digested. still chunky though, a few 'leaves of grass' in the mix.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: CarolC
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:46 AM

3. Hubble Hairoscope -- Roots, shoots, tapeovers, plugs, wind arounds, backhair up the collar and over, eyebrows combed back, dyed partially forehead colour and then browned?

AAAAAAAKKKKKK!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:39 AM

It looks as if you finally have been found out, Carol....*bg*


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: JenEllen
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 05:18 AM

3 TurkeyTurds later, the woman noticed that the room had become uncomfortably warm. She rolled her hair up and secured it with the Dichter's pencil, then ordered an iced tea. By the time it arrived at the table, the room and it's occupants had become a bit fuzzy around the edges. She sat back in her chair and fanned herself with a section of the blueprints, that failing, she fished an ice cube from her tea and ran it across her throat in a vain attempt to bring order back into her skull. Someone had given BigMick a bib and a beer helmet, so now he had both hands free to....whatever...while the Dichter rested still fitfully.
For a brief moment, the princess regarded the swain with quiet concentration. Her eyes narrow slightly in the sort of mild annoyance a person feels when they pass a street sign that's been spelled incorrectly. Shyness Unto Death, this man so deceived by joy or sorrow that he himself never becomes joyous or sorrowful, forever failing to realize that every movement of infinity comes about by great passion. Utterly maddening. She pops the remainder of the ice cube into her mouth and fans herself a moment more before discovering the sheet of paper that has fallen to the floor.
The scrap had "flipsite settings" scrawled at the top, and contained a listing of alternate settings for determining masculine reactions. Her hair rolled down her back as once again, the gnawed pencil flew into action.
Gameboy Assessor: probably could be fine tuned to account for everything that goes blip- bonk-ping in the night...
HubbleHairoscope: equally important for either sex, you don't want her mustache to outshine his....
Snappycomebackcomplexifier: given a 'female prerogative' canceling switch, because some of them look damn cute when all they do is point and grunt..
Her calculations took scant minutes to apply. The sad truth being, the female mind takes precious little time to fathom when one is in possession of it, and the male is but immediacy with a teensy bit of self-reflection.
Stopping to drain the last of the tea from her glass, she set the paper on the table and tapped the remaining ice cubes into her mouth. While sucking on the cubes, she happened to look down at the table. Through the onion-skin of the flipsite diagrams, she could detect the writing of the sheet below it. Clouds parted, the angels sang, and she had one of those "you've got your chocolate in my peanut butter/no you've got you peanut butter in my chocolate" moments. The two units could be one! A simple scanner that could be used on men, women, fire-hydrants...the possibilities were endless.
She had started on further calculations, when her attention was broken by the resting form at her side. If anything, she has learned that you can only recognize great actions by being aware of their beginnings. This belonged to handsome crackpot, and ram chops or not, this invention wasn't really hers to meddle with. This realization, applied to what was already beginning to feel like a TurdHangover, did little to lighten her mood.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: alison
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 05:29 AM

wow.... I'll have what she's having!!!!!....... and off I go to the planet bizarre..............

seriously amergin.. turn that air conditioner back on.. it IS getting warm in here.............


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 07:57 AM

Bert... tab's wide open until the TT's tanker runs dry. We may have to get Spaw to redesign the strainer because of the leaves.

PeterT... mobious stripper never comes to an end... love it.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 10:17 AM

One large whatever's on offer please. i've been away for a fortnight, and I come back to Mudcat to find that it is indeed as bizarre as I left it...


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 10:41 AM

I've just been ego-surfing again and discovered that in the 1920s I was a saxaphone player who wrote (among others) Bullfrog Blues. As I often joke that my blues singing persona is "The Croaking Bullfrog" is that spooky or what?
So I'll have a brandy on either gnu or bert's tab (I'm not proud!)to revive me.
RtS


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 10:54 AM

It'll have to be Bert's. I supplied the tankard of Turkey Turd Beer. Brandy it's NOT !


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:01 PM

Better make it a double, barkeep. Could be a long week.

Alex


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: MMario
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:08 PM

Good thing this place is here. Have you seen the weather outside? it's a shitestorm!

Alex - you're being followed...I suppose you know that. In a very appropriate place, too...one of the best places for an asshole is behind you! (That's a generic "you" btw)


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:12 PM

I shall attempt to be the same person I always have been, and let any persons attempting to smear or belittle me prove to the community exactly what they are.

Alex


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:16 PM

Uh, Alison.....I think I BROKE it....it won't turn back on....Yes, it is plugged in....maybe we need to cool off abit....Just a second let me remove my shirt....ahhhhhhh, much better....Oh? You like it? Yes, that's my own hair....


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:19 PM

Too bad that ahole guest is getting you down, but I think all who know you also know what an ahole he is. Have a double, or fourple, of whatever you want on my tab. And stay away from the Turkey Turd Beer. It'll send you to Planet Bizarre, if you're not there already from defending yourself from unwarranted, false accusations and twisted quotes.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:45 PM

Oy! Barkeep!

(assuming scary Jack Palance voice and angelic grin)

How 'bout serving me up some o' yer finest?

(Help! I'm being possessed by the evil Pepsi girl...)

*SMACK!*

Ahhh. that's better.

Any pear cider to be had on draft?

M


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:54 PM

Miss Molly - how is that penis pendant working out? Don't dip it in the beer. It will shatter. I am sticking with JD on the rocks with a twist and a Pepsi chaser.
mousie, come join me in the corner and we can commiserate on the unfairness of life and the true meaning of "Guest". I'll even buy.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Bert
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:57 PM

I'm glad to find you here Alex. What's yer poison? Have one on my tab.

AH! "Molly iffy scent" I've always wanted to do that to the Pepsi brat. Have a pint o' perry on me.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:57 PM

A sympathy drink ! So that's what you were up to, Alex.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: GUEST,Turkey Turd the Third
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 12:58 PM

I be glad youse guys be enjoyin my brew.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: harpmolly
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:07 PM

*jumping over from the "Caucasia" thread and quaffing a pint to stop the steam whistling out my ears...*

Thanks 'Mergin. :) And SINSULL...er...did I miss something? I'm sure I'd have remembered such a pendant. Did someone give me an early birthday present while I was passed out cold? (Yeech...)

M


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:07 PM

I wondered who threw the sock in the beer ( old Newfie saying ).

That you, cousin ?


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:10 PM

Well, Turkey Turd.....I enjoyin is the word I would use....

Watch it about Mollificent, Bert....she damn near broke my nose one night when we argued about how much each would pay....Fortunately, my Scottish ancestry intervened or else I would have had to go to the hospital.....

Ok, now Alison.....where were we?


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:10 PM

Ewww. Sock in the beer? Then again I don't like beer. Bleh.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:13 PM

dammit i forgot to close the italics.....


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:21 PM

How can we drink turkey turd beer in a shite-free tavern? Or is that the point?

Ignore me,
Alex


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:26 PM

Molly - didn't you get the pendant in the auction? God I hate middle age. I forget everything but to get up in the morning and go to work. Make mine a double JD on the rocks and hold the twist! Things are really bad when I end up sitting alone in the corner booth AFTER I offered to BUY! SULK & SIGH!


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:29 PM

Sins, don't sulk and sigh. Come sit on my thigh, and I'LL BUY.

What's yer poison?

Alex


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:36 PM

Stealing a page from Thomas The Rhymer? May as well go for the TurkeyTurd Beer. Spaw won't stop pushing it until it's gone.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Bert
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 01:46 PM

What's yer poison? > What would you like to drink?


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 02:06 PM

I haven't seen TTR here in a LONG time. Hope all is well by him.

BARKEEP! One turkey turd and another double Glenlivet, neat.

Come here often, sweetie? Nice earrings.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 02:34 PM

I thought they looked better on my ears than in your pocket. Are you a mousethief or a packrat? Bert - Sulk over. I'll take a Jack Daniels on the rocks and a smile.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Bert
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 02:41 PM

Oops I missed that Sinsdarling. You know it was a genuine oversight, Not like me to miss it when someone else is buying. Gimme a pint of Meyer's.;~)


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 02:53 PM

I am shocked! I am hurt! Here I am trying to say nice things and I am accused of stealing your earrings. Sheesh! Get off my lap, you brazen hussy! I'll bet you can't even spell "quarrel"!

Barkeep, czech, please.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 02:59 PM

Get lost mouse before I sic the cat on you. Or better yet a Guest! And give me back my earrings! Ingrate! This is what I get for buying drinks for vermin! ...But you do have the cutest little tail.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:01 PM

And a little polka.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Caitrin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:29 PM

I'm not Czech, but I'm part Slovak. Close enough? *grins*


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:38 PM

Do you polka ? Drinking without dancing is just drinking.

BTW, what's on for munchies ? And don't say turkey sandwiches !!!


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM

Moose Turd pie - the last I looked.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Amergin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM

Gnu burgers....


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: mousethief
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:43 PM

Earrings for sale, really cheap. Ladies' watch. Look at this beautiful diamond pendant necklace!


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:45 PM

I'll have a burger with the works, so I won't need any desert.

What have you guys got against the antlered, anyway ?


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:46 PM

Aaaah it's the lovely Mrs O'Toole.... Could ye spare a libation for a tursty traveller?

A large black bush please......

LTS


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: MMario
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:50 PM

Everyone knows that real animals have horns, or tusks.

None of this shed'em every year antler bit.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 03:58 PM

Animalist !!! As a gnu, I'm proud of being horny all the time, but I wouldn't think of oppressing the antlered. They have a proud and valued history, and taste as good as any horned or tusked beast, no matter how wilde.


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Subject: RE: Mudcat Shite-Free Tavern (Next!)
From: Caitrin
Date: 24 Apr 01 - 04:02 PM

:) I do, indeed, polka. I cha-cha, swing, waltz, salsa, mambo, meringue, and tango as well. I don't really drink, though...is just dancing sufficient?


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