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BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)

mousethief 27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM
Micca 27 Apr 01 - 06:06 PM
mousethief 27 Apr 01 - 06:16 PM
catspaw49 27 Apr 01 - 06:41 PM
Lanfranc 27 Apr 01 - 06:56 PM
Mr Red 27 Apr 01 - 07:07 PM
GUEST,Phillip 27 Apr 01 - 07:18 PM
GUEST,khandu 27 Apr 01 - 07:38 PM
Hillheader 27 Apr 01 - 07:43 PM
Hillheader 27 Apr 01 - 08:07 PM
Jim Dixon 27 Apr 01 - 08:16 PM
Extra Stout 27 Apr 01 - 08:36 PM
Hillheader 27 Apr 01 - 08:39 PM
Hillheader 27 Apr 01 - 08:47 PM
catspaw49 27 Apr 01 - 10:32 PM
Art Thieme 27 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM
Chip2447 28 Apr 01 - 12:31 AM
Long Firm Freddie 28 Apr 01 - 01:53 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 28 Apr 01 - 02:06 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 28 Apr 01 - 02:28 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 28 Apr 01 - 02:54 AM
Hillheader 28 Apr 01 - 03:10 AM
Mad Maudlin 28 Apr 01 - 03:14 AM
Hillheader 28 Apr 01 - 03:24 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 28 Apr 01 - 04:22 AM
okthen 28 Apr 01 - 04:24 AM
Fiolar 28 Apr 01 - 05:13 AM
Hillheader 28 Apr 01 - 06:03 AM
Mr Red 28 Apr 01 - 07:28 AM
Lanfranc 28 Apr 01 - 08:03 AM
kendall 28 Apr 01 - 08:25 AM
Micca 28 Apr 01 - 08:55 AM
grumpy al 28 Apr 01 - 09:30 AM
Bill D 28 Apr 01 - 04:57 PM
Bill D 28 Apr 01 - 05:04 PM
The Walrus 28 Apr 01 - 05:17 PM
Bill D 28 Apr 01 - 05:43 PM
Bill D 28 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM
GUEST,kan-du 28 Apr 01 - 06:21 PM
GUEST,an is guy 28 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM
Snuffy 28 Apr 01 - 06:40 PM
kendall 28 Apr 01 - 07:49 PM
Naemanson 28 Apr 01 - 10:35 PM
GUEST,khandu 28 Apr 01 - 10:51 PM
GUEST,khandu 28 Apr 01 - 10:53 PM
Lonesome EJ 29 Apr 01 - 12:45 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 29 Apr 01 - 03:56 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 29 Apr 01 - 04:52 AM
John P 29 Apr 01 - 08:49 AM
GUEST,khandu 29 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM
Naemanson 29 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM
Jim Dixon 29 Apr 01 - 11:19 AM
Bill D 29 Apr 01 - 11:50 AM
Naemanson 29 Apr 01 - 12:02 PM
kendall 29 Apr 01 - 12:47 PM
John P 29 Apr 01 - 01:10 PM
CRANKY YANKEE 29 Apr 01 - 05:56 PM
sophocleese 29 Apr 01 - 06:45 PM
GUEST,an is guy 29 Apr 01 - 07:44 PM
Dani 29 Apr 01 - 09:44 PM
GUEST,Crazy Eddie 30 Apr 01 - 12:31 AM
Naemanson 30 Apr 01 - 06:33 AM
Micca 30 Apr 01 - 08:45 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 30 Apr 01 - 09:15 AM
Dave the Gnome 30 Apr 01 - 09:37 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 30 Apr 01 - 09:41 AM
Jim Dixon 30 Apr 01 - 12:29 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 12:34 PM
grannyjan 30 Apr 01 - 12:42 PM
GUEST,an is guy 30 Apr 01 - 12:45 PM
Jim Dixon 30 Apr 01 - 12:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Apr 01 - 06:11 PM
Frug 30 Apr 01 - 06:32 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 06:35 PM
Art Thieme 30 Apr 01 - 07:00 PM
Lanfranc 30 Apr 01 - 07:04 PM
kendall 30 Apr 01 - 07:25 PM
Bill D 30 Apr 01 - 07:26 PM
Abby Sale 30 Apr 01 - 11:51 PM
Chip2447 30 Apr 01 - 11:55 PM
Wolfgang 01 May 01 - 04:21 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 01 May 01 - 04:40 AM
English Jon 01 May 01 - 04:56 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 01 May 01 - 05:01 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 01 May 01 - 05:11 AM
Wolfgang 01 May 01 - 05:40 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 01 May 01 - 06:06 AM
CRANKY YANKEE 01 May 01 - 06:15 AM
Dave the Gnome 01 May 01 - 06:57 AM
Troll 01 May 01 - 08:46 AM
John P 01 May 01 - 08:59 AM
Jim Dixon 01 May 01 - 10:44 AM
LR Mole 01 May 01 - 11:33 AM
Hillheader 01 May 01 - 02:39 PM
Bill D 01 May 01 - 06:41 PM
Mark Cohen 02 May 01 - 01:26 AM
Naemanson 02 May 01 - 08:40 AM
Wolfgang 02 May 01 - 09:06 AM
Mary in Kentucky 02 May 01 - 11:21 AM
mousethief 02 May 01 - 11:25 AM
Grab 02 May 01 - 11:49 AM
Micca 02 May 01 - 12:55 PM
GUEST,PatJoe 02 May 01 - 04:08 PM
mousethief 02 May 01 - 04:17 PM
Mark Cohen 02 May 01 - 07:55 PM
Art Thieme 02 May 01 - 11:58 PM
Mark Cohen 03 May 01 - 12:14 AM

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Subject: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Continuing THIS fine thread!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Micca
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:06 PM

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps falls on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath... "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:16 PM

I'm surprised nobody's told this one.

Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster were best friends all their lives. They ate together, slept together, played together -- let's face it, they were really together.

Then, horribly, one day they die.

For reasons which aren't relevant to the story, Sam Clam goes to hell, and Ollie Oyster goes to heaven.

Ollie Oyster checks into heaven, gets his wings, his harp, and starts to get a little bored, if the truth be told.

Meanwhile Sam Clam goes to Hell and becomes, after a little wheeling and dealing, the proprietor of a dance club. Apparently in this particular circle of Hell, souls whose mortal sin was not dancing enough while on earth are forced to dance for eternity to endless tape loops of 1970's disco music. Badly edited.

After a while Ollie applies for permission to visit Hell, and see his buddy Sam.

Permission is granted, and he trips off down the Stairway to Heaven (see, this is musically related!) (actually if you're tripping DOWN it would be the Stairway FROM Heaven, but let's not get technical). After a little asking around, he finds his best earthly friend, Sam.

They have a good chat, but suddenly Ollie glances at his Rolex (you get those with your wings; I forgot to mention) and sees his furlough is about to expire. Heedless of Sam's goodbyes, he pumps it as fast as his little shell can take him, back up the stairway to heaven, and through the Pearly Gates, just as they're closing for the evening.

"Haven't you forgotten something?" booms a magesterial voice.

"Oh no!" Ollie cries.........

(cue music)

I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco...


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:41 PM

Gawd MT....I'd totally forgotten that "Classic."

AND MICCA---that was completely without redeeming value!!!

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Lanfranc
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:56 PM

Rachel, a good Jewish girl, and Patrick, a good Irish Catholic lad, fell madly in love. Despite family objections they married in a registry office on a beatiful springlike afternoon in early March.

They went away on their honeymoon, and checked in to the bridal suite in a romantic hotel on a desert island.

Everything was perfect, the champagne was on ice, the strawberries filled the cut glass bowl, the room was filled with delicately-scented roses and the kingsize fourposter bed was made up with silk and satin sheets.

They had saved themselves for this moment, and both were virgins (remember virgins!), although they had both researched the required activity in books and through the internet, so they knew what to do.

Rachel removed her going-away outfit in a slow, sultry and sexy way, as she had seen it done by others, until she stood there, beautiful and naked with her nipples standing out like chapel hat-pegs in the airconditioned cool of the room.

Patrick, in turn, slipped out of his Armani suit, his Turnbull and Asser shirt and his Y-fronts, and stood there before her, a proud example of Celtic manhood.

"Oh, Patrick, Patrick, make love to me now!" cried Rachel.

"Oh, Rachel, if only I could!" he moaned.

"What on earth's the matter?" she sighed.

"It's Lent!", he replied.

"To whom, for how long, and at what rate of interest?" demanded Rachel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:07 PM

Pundits delight?


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:18 PM

What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:38 PM

I did not read the original thread, so maybe this was on it. Older than dirt, it is.

The king grew weary of the jester's constant terrible puns. The king locked him into a small closet and told him he would not release him unless the jester could come up with a good pun concerning the his present situation.

The jester shouted from behing the locked door, "Oh, pun the door!"

Sorry!

khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:43 PM

A great white shark is swimming through the ocean when he spots this octopus in trouble. The octopus is dying and says only King Neptune can save him. The shark tell the octupus to hop on his snout and he will take him to Neptune.

On the way they meet the killer whale and the shark says "Hey killer whale. Here's that sick squid I owe you".


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:07 PM

What about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Or the dyslexic devil worshiper who though Santa was god?

Or the little girl who is walking past the lifeboatman's wedding and sees the crew standing with the oars raised as the couple leave the church. She says to her mother "Look at the oars" and the mother replies "They're not whores, their bridesmaids"

I know I'm sad, but I'm happy!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:16 PM

(Forgive me for telling this, since I'm not even Jewish. But some of my best friends … ah, the hell with it!)

One day Mrs. Goldschmutz had a stomachache, so she went to the doctor. When she got home, she said to her husband, "Hymie, I've got some bad news. I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant! How is that possible? You're fifty-seven years old, and you've gone through the change, haven't you?" says Hymie.

"Yes, I thought I had. But Doctor Weltschmerz says I'm pregnant. But wait, Hymie. It gets worse. He says I'm going to have twins."

"Twins! This is incredible! I've got to talk to that doctor myself!"

So Hymie calls the doctor and says, "Doctor Weltschmerz! Is it true you told my wife she's pregnant?"

"No, no," says the doctor. "She's way too old for that."

"Hah!" says Hymie. "I thought so! But she said that YOU said she's going to have twins!"

"Twins!" says the doctor. "Oh, no, no, no. She only has a touch of gastritis."

"Gastritis?" says Hymie. "What's that?"

The doctor says, "That's too little juice in the stomach."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Extra Stout
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:36 PM

A vulture packs a bag of his favorite snacks, having been warned about airline food, and when he goes to check in for his flight, the counter attendant says " May I check your bag, Sir?" The vulture replies, " No, thanks, it's carrion."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:39 PM

On the subject of medicine, a woman return from the doctor in tears and her husband eventually discovers she his upset becuase the doc told her she had nice thighs.

The husband storms into the surgery and is about to kill the doctor, only to be told "Sir, I told your wife she had acute angina"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:47 PM

At the last supper, Jesus is keeps bumping this toes against somthing under the table. In the end he turns to Peter and asks what it is only to be told is is Judas Iscariot (say it in a Glasgow accent)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 10:32 PM

It was discovered that a very high concentration of Prelusia, a chemical used to produce an artificial antihistamine, was found in the very rare and endangered "Channel Albatross" which nests in the chalk cliffs along the coast of England. It is a bit larger than others and has a whistling, low pitched call from whence it gets its common name, foo bird. It returns yearly in March to nest and remains until June. The rest of its year is spent at sea.

Not wanting to decimate the colony, scientists were happy to discover that the droppings of this rare bird were equally high in Prelusia and could be used but the chalk cliffs and the beach below would contaminate it to such a degree that it was less than 25% usable. An ingenious system was developed using a large pan-like device on a trip mechanism to pop out of the lower cliff face and catch the albatross droppings before they hit the ground. Eighteen of these devices were installed and manned by crews during the nesting season. The system proved highle effective but Prelusia is still i high demand worldwide. So.....................




If the foo shits, snare it.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Art Thieme
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM

In the town of Haiffa in Israel a felow named Joseph (all they knew of his name) ran looting through the streets and then shot Mayor Newton of that town dead----before the cops killed him. Digging into his past, they found out that his mother had once been in a convent in Barcelona, Spain and that he had worked occasionally on various farms. The caption under his photo in the paper said:

Haifa lootin'
Newton shootin'
Son of a nun from Barcelona
Part time plowboy, JOE !

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Chip2447
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 12:31 AM

A few years ago a vertically challenged psychic escaped from the institution in which he was being held... Headlines read; "Small medium at large"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:53 AM

Mouseorgan & Bagpuss Here

LFF


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:06 AM

If Nadia Comenicci married Noah's son, divorced him and married the guy that James Cook named the Hawaiian Islands after, she'd be Nadia Comenicci Ham Sandwich. (Nadia, come and eat y'r ham sandwich)

AND
if Della Resse Married Benson Fong (real person) divorced him and married Edwin Booth, (the very famous and brilliant actor, brother of Lincoln's assasin) SHE'D BE DELL FONG BOOTH.

FURTHERMORE
two Somersett-ites, punting on the Thames, lose their punt pole. They spy a rowboat with two women, one man, and three sets of oars. (can you see it coming?) They shout to the lone oarsman, "'ere, can we have on of yer oars?" (HERE IT COMES)To which the Londoner, rowing the boat, replies, "They're not 'ores they;re me mother an' sister".

And Then
Do I have to tell the whole African story about, "People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones? THEN, THIS REALLY HAPPENED

I started training in Gichin Funakoshi's "way" in 1970 (now I teach the stuff) (if you know what that means, then you'll know what I mean)before that it was a toss-up of which I liked better, performing or brawling. One night, in 1967 I was singing at "The Black Pearl Tavern" and was being heckled by a drunk. I blurted out"You know, I'm really a pacifist, and if you don't shut up, I'll pass a fist right through you


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:28 AM

From Homer and Jethro's, "Doggie in the Window"

"How much is that hound dog in the winder",
with the basketball nose on his face?"
"You know what a basketball nose is"?
IT DRIBBLES ALL OVER THE PLACE"

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

If the old LaST Emperor of Ethiopia had been forced in to the British Navy, he'd be "highly Impressed"<

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS
As the whale physician said to the captain of the "Factory ship", "YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENTS"

AND IN CLOSING, (look up, "Luff" and "Bear to" in any good dictionary)

The Lord said to Moses, "Luff", but, Moses not being a seafaring man, bore-to and ran aground in the bullrushes.

SO

Two men floating down the river on a marble slab, one turned to the other and said, "BAIL".

Th=th-gth-that's all b-brother.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:54 AM

Hey, Jim Dixon, some of my best ancestors are Jewish.

Did you ever stand in front of a Temple on Saturday afternoon, eating an orange and watching the ju ice come out?

While we're on the subject, I'll start a new thread of Jewish jokes(the non-irritating kind)

Here're a few "Non-irritating" Polish jokes. (some of my best ancestors were Polish)

Did you ever hear of Alexander Graham Belcheenkoff, the great "Telephone Pole"?

or Samuel F.B. Morsekowitz, the famous telegraph Pole."?
Or
"Tall Tugboat Anya", the 10 Foot Barge Pole? (I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot barge Pole)

OR
"Screaming Eagle Yablonsky" That great Totem Pole"
and then The equestrian census taker who rode furiously through every villiage? They called him the "Gallup Pole".

Then there was the Warsaw'rian who ran around furiously crossing out all the obscene graffiti, He was referred to as the "X-it" Pole.

Then there was the Viking from G'dansk who called himself "The Norse Pole" (You have to go half way around the world , right next to Melbourne, you'll find the little polish town of "G'Danya Sport"

AND, HERE'S WHAT THE COBBLER HIT HIS WIFE WITH, THE LAST./

We have W.C. FIELDSCH, THE SOUSE POLE.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:10 AM

This is the worst one in the world!

Gervaise was the macho man on the town and wanted an exotic pet. The pet shop owner was trying to sell him an octopus. "Will it fight?" asked Gervaise. "It's male and green came the reply "All male green octopi fight".

So Gervaise took the octopus home and put it in the aquarium where he introduced a shsrk to the tank. He octopus hid. He tried pirhana. Still the octopus hid and would not fight. He went back to the pet shop to complain and the owner suggested he try another male octopus. This time his original simply snuggled up to the newcomer. His first octopus was gay!

This was a severe dent to Gervaise's street cred but being a compassionate man, he could not kill the octopus.

He went to the hotel where he worked and seeing Hans washing up as usual took him the story. Hans was more macho than Gervaise and said he would kill the octopus. So Gervaise brought the octopus into the hotel and put it in one of the sinks. Separated from it's new found partner however the octopus started pining and big octopus tears began running down it's face and it started to lose it's colour.

When Hans saw this even he could not kill the poor lonely octopus.

Which only proves...

That Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise with the mild green fairy sick squid!

(Sorry)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mad Maudlin
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:14 AM

Why is Seven afraid of Nine?

Because Seven Eigth Nine...


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:24 AM

Mr Kellog opened a new factory and declared the first cornflake off the line to be "King of the Cornflakes".

Of course being first off the line he went into the bottom of the packet but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. His packet was loaded into a box and again it was at the bottom but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. His box was put onto the bottom of the pallet but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. That pallet was loaded into the bottom of a container for delivery to a supermarket but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top.

When the container arrived at the Supermarket his pallet was taken off first and put at the bottom of the stack once more.

Did the process need to start again?

Tune in next week ---- It's a Cereal

(Sorry - again)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:22 AM

OK.You asked for it!!!

a pod of a-moral dolphins decided to take over the world, but, first they had to learn how to manipulate the environment. So, they found a tri-lingual maynah bird who was willing to spy for them, wherepon the maynah attached himself to a local college Professor of Mathmatics. The professor, charmed by the maynah who spoke fluent dolphinese, began to educate the bird, taught him history, math, psych 1 &2, art, etc, etc. etc.
One day, the professor took the maynah to the State Zoo. Being a professor of Math, he knew that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line, so, rather than walking around the feline exhibit, he decided to run across it , skipping over the lions, from back to back, over the fence on the other side of the cage and into the arms of a waiting policeman who arrested him for CARRYING A MAYNAH ACROSS STATE LIONS FOR IMMORAL PORPOISES. ((I know, I know, dolphin--porpoise, so what>)

That'll teach you to get smart.

Hah...........!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: okthen
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:24 AM

I think the folloeing dates back to Dr. Johnson

"Oh that I were pun-i-shed

for every puny pun I shed

I would not have a puny shed

in which to hide my punish head"

cheers

bill


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Fiolar
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:13 AM

A Russian and his wife were listening to the radio when the weather forecast came. The announcer said that tomorrow would be fine with long sunny periods. The Russian gets up opens the door and looks out. He comes back and says to his wife, "that forecaster is wrong, it'll be wet tomorrow." His wife says in surprise, "How do you know?" The Russian just looks at her and says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Gawd help me, I wanted to tell this for years.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:03 AM

A man was filling up his car with petrol when it overflowed and splashed all over the sleave of his jacket.

He paid for the petrol and left the garage. 200 yards down the road he lit a cigarette and the petrol vapours ignited as which point the police arrived and charged him with possessing a fire arm


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 07:28 AM

what about the Russian who bought his children a yacht because he wanted "red sons in the sail-set"
younger mudcatters raise index finger over cranium and SCRATCH.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Lanfranc
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:03 AM

Ludvig van Beethoven was an impossible man to work for, a genius, but impossible. His valet, Karl Loebisch, became so frustrated with the great man's tantrums and untidiness that he handed in his resignation.

Herr Beethoven was upset by this, for he was very dependent upon Karl, and called him over to the piano, where he was currently slaving over his Fifth Symphony.

"Karl", he said, "How can you possibly leave me - you are my inspiration!"

"Your inspiration?" sneered Karl, "Don't make me laugh - Ha Ha Ha HAAAAA!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: kendall
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:25 AM

Actually, the bottle nose dolphin is a porpoise.

A few years ago, a mental patient escaped from the hospital, raped a woman then ran off into the woods. A hotshot reporter made this headline ;MANIAC RAPES AND ESCAPES. The editor, being a very sensitive man,not wanting to upset the readers, told hime to rewrite the headline. This pissed of the reporter, so, he wrote NUT SCREWS AND BOLTS.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Micca
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:55 AM

Kendall if I may interject, he attacked some laundresses during his escape so the headline actually read
" NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: grumpy al
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:30 AM

Haven't seen this one yet so here it comes,

What do you call a Japanese masochist whose father has dysentry?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

pc wass at then


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:57 PM

the one about the porposes has been done for years, but it lack 2 elements in the version above...(as you can seem the story can be re-written totally, but it MUST lead to approximately the same last line...

" There once was a physiologist who wanted to find out the secret of longevity. Being a rather competent fellow and realizing no one would want him to initially experiment with humans, he decided to use porposes for this purpose.

Dolphins were decided upon rather thatn any other mammal because of their similarity to humans in aging and eating.

After long experimentation with porposes, he discovered that certain nutrients extended their life span measurably. The unfor- tunate part of this was that these nutrients were quite expensive.

He found a cheaper solution: seagulls. Young seagulls had quite a bit of that particular nutrient in their blood. So he started to use sea birds to feed his porposes.

Now his neighbors were quite upset when the young scientist started to trespass across their beaches in the early morning in his quest for birds. They were even more upset when he used his shotgun at five o'clock in the morning. The Audubon Society was really upset that he was scaring the other birds when he shot at the gulls. Mothers were worried he might accidently shoot their children.

The beach front owners decided to put an end to his work. They met together late one night and put together a nefarious scheme to rid themselves of their enemy.

The next day, one of the vigilantes went to the local state zoo. He asked the zoo keeper, "Could we borrow a lion? We need it to scare someone." The keeper agreed to let them borrow one of his older lions.

The next morning, after the Ponce de Leon of modern science went out shooting, the neighbors brought the lion to his yard and tied him up on the front porch. After the scientist shot his brace of birds, he came back and stepped over the lion on his doorstep.

When the state troopers arrested him the next day, they charged him with: "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porposes."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:04 PM

It is a little known fact that Alexander the Great invented a primitive form of wristwatch. In order to synchronize his forces during battles, he ordered a special chemical to be developed that changed color with the passage of time. A small piece of cloth was dipped in the solution, and worn around the wrist. In this way, all his troops could know what time it was, enabling them to carry out sophisticated military campaigns and thus conquer the world.

Historians refer to this invention as "Alexander's rag time-band."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: The Walrus
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:17 PM

A multi-billionaire decided to have himself cloned by a special accelerated process which, in a short while gave him a younger, adult version of himself. Unfortunately, there had been a slight error which left the clone somewhat "anti-social", he/it would curse and swear on each and every occasion, had a habit of "flashing" members of the public, "mooning" from cars and making gestures at almost everybody who came in contact. Fortunately the original was rich enough to afford to keep the whole matter hushed up, but it was becoming harder to do and mor embarrassing so he thought to dispose of his clone and, being somewhat "hands-on" he had to do it himself. For months he tried to work out the best way to dispose of his "offspring" and hit on a plan, the two of them were to go on a trip to their private Carribean island, on the way there the older man pushed the younger from the plane into the sea where he drowned and the body was eaten by fish, unfortunately this was witnessed and reported. After great expediture on lawyers and arguments that a) there were no record of the clone anywhere and that he didn't legally exist and b)The clone was genetically 100% the older man and therefore the crime was merely a form of suicide (and due to some very large "back-handers")the murder charge was dropped, but a offence had been committed and the rich man was charged with
(prepare to groan)
Making an obscene clone fall.

Apologies

Walrus


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:43 PM

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village near the border between Greece and strife-torn (former) Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical events spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that is not likely to happen soon. Sister Maria, age 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base camp of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large collection of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone Sister watching over the old Hun military base. Amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia remains this simple remnant of the past. Thus, that is how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and Nun left on base.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM

There once was a man who owned a very beautiful horse. The most noticeable attribute of his horse was its beautiful mane. One day the man noticed a very strange happening; small sparrows were beginning to build their nests in the horse's beautiful mane. Obviously, this disturbed the man very much so he went to the local veterinarian to seek a solution to this problem. The veterinarian suggested that the man wash the horse's mane in yeast mixed with water. The man did as he was told, and sure enough, the sparrows quit their nest building endeavor in the horse's mane. The owner was delighted, to say the least, but he was puzzled as to why the yeast mixture ran the birds away. This bothered him so much, he finally called the veterinarian to find out. The vet told him, "Its very simple. You see, Yeast is Yeast and Nest is Nest, and never the Mane shall Tweet!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,kan-du
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:21 PM

Bennie found an old grecian urn. As he was polishing it, a genie came out and said "You may have one wish, but you must do what I tell you to receive it."

Bennie wished for an unending supply of money. The genie said, "You have what you have wished for, but you must never ever shave your beard again."

Surely enough, Bennie never ran out of money, no matter how much he spent or gave away. However, after many years, his beard grew very long and was a constant source of problems. One morning Bennie arose from bed and tripped on his beard. In a rage, he shaved the damned thing and was instantly transformed into a Grecian Urn.

The moral of the tale: A Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned.

kan-du (disguising my identity in shame)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,an is guy
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM

the "Gaudiamus Igitur" pun required an explanation?
here?!??
shame on all of you

and, the variation of the foo story requires this

while we all know that the "foo shits, wear it" cycle is mostly mythical in origin. as with all myths there is an element of truth.
the smithsonian institution funded an expedition to the south seas to find that truth led by none other than ferdinand feghoot, the great traveler in time and space.
so, after month of investigation, inquiry and searching, the expedition was approaching the island thought to be the center and the beginning of the foo cycle when they were struck by a mighty tai-fun and their ship was sunk.
the survivors, including our intrepid feghoot swam towards the island with all their remaining strength.
as they approached, feghoot noticed a seal swimming past one of his companions, trailing a brown fluidy substance.
the substance touched the swimmer and he promptly expired>
feghoot immediately began to swim out to see, knowing that the reality was far worse than any legend...
for on this island...

any seal could plainly foo


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Snuffy
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:40 PM

In his younger days, Hitler was a gunslinger in Arizona. He never wore a shirt, just a waistcoat.

He was known as THE FASCIST HUN IN THE VEST


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: kendall
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 07:49 PM

Speaking of nutrients, I hear there are some foods that kill a womans libido. The worst of them is.................................................................WEDDING CAKE


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Naemanson
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:35 PM

There was a huge drug bust in the Pacific Northwest. Tons of homegrown marijuana were seized, so much so that it was burned on the spot. Unfortunately a flock of birds flew through the smoke and on that day no tern was left unstoned.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:51 PM

I think the best/worst pun ever was committed by Spaw in his telling of the "true" story behind "The Ode to Billy Joe".

For those of you fortunate enough to have missed it, you may find it in the archives. Type "Tallahassie Bridge" in the filter and go back around 6 months.

I would make a blue clicky thing but I am ignorant.

khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:53 PM

Make that "Talahassie Bridge". I mis-spelled the already mis-spelled word in my last post.

khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 12:45 AM

Jose had recently returned from a trip to America and was asked by his relatives what the highlight of his trip was. "Well, the best thing about the Americanos is that they are VERY friendly. While in Los Angeles, I decided to attend a baseball game, but the only tickets left were in the last row. I had no more been seated, than these concerned Americanos rose to their feet and called to me in one great voice

JOSE CAN YOU SEE?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 03:56 AM

Think I'll fire another shot or two. These two are originals, so no one can say, "I've heard that before, only different"

An Australian, living in Liverpool (England) falls in love with a Beutiful Devonshire woman who runs a car rental agency. She decides to take a holliday and to up to Liverpool to visit her sweety. He is thrilled at this and decides to cook a three course dinner comprised of only Australian Ingredients. Most were not easy to find, but not difficult either. He found the makings for Platypus patties, Ostrich omelet,Kangaroo kidney pudding and Wallaby Wellington. He even found a jar of honey from Humpty-Doo. He had almost given up hope of ever finding Koala Tea, but finally found a tin way up in the headwaters of the Mersey.
The dinner was a huge success until, after the last course, he served her a cup of Koala Tea. She took one sip and, "Ptphooey.... fitagh.....pufhstaaat..," she began spitting out bits of fur, Koala fur, to be exact. Got to her feet,and collapsed in a heap on the floor, the cup flew into the air and fell on her spilling the hot tea all over the poor woman.
The next day, the newspapers reported this tragedy under the headline, (are you ready for this..........)

THE KOALA TEA OF MERSEY IS NOT STRAINED, IT DROPPETH ON THE RENTAL JANE FROM DEVON"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 04:52 AM

tHE NAME, "yASSER ARAFAT", When I first heard it, reminded me of W. C. Fields being offered a drink and remarking, "Yaaa.s Suuh, Don't mind if I do"
When I first wrote this song, I frankly didn't give a damn if, by some remote chance, Mr Arafat ever heard it. However, my opinions change in accordance with the unfolding of events. So, if, in the unlikelyhood that Mr. Arafat ever hears it, I hope he isn't terribly offended. No insult was ever intended with this song.

The tune is somewhat the same as "Yes sir! That's my Baby" If I ever learn how to transmit music over these wires, I'll send the melody" Don't try to make sense out of it. It's just a bunch of Arabic, Egyptian and Hebrew names and places strung together. I suppose there is some sort of sense to it, but only line for line (and pun for pun). The song itself contains no story line.

YAS SUH ARAFAT.
(Words and music by Jody Gibson) (C 1995, Rose Island Music, Newport RI)

I
Yas Suh, Arafat,
Nasser, Anwahr Sadat
Yas Suh!, Yasser Arafat.
We don't have a Tutenkhaman.
(Pronounce it, "Toot in common")
Our love affair, Aakhnaton,
Yas Suh!, Yasser Arafat.
Oh
Cleopatra Ptolemy, "Farrouk it, baby, Ramses"
Get your hot ship out of it's Hotsheps-hut and sail away for Pharisees

Nefertiri cry, sis, Isis
A cup of Khadafi, then, goodbye, sis>
Yas suh! Yasser Arafat.

II
Yasser and Mrs. Yas-m'
Between Yemen me's a chasm
Yas Suh!, Yasser Arafat.
Moses, "Noah, no sir, Abro-ham aint Kosher"
(Moe says no uh, no sir, hey bro, ham aint kosher)

Ayotola you, "Khomeni from Bahrain"
(I told a you come in here, from the rain)
Psychiatrists in Baghdad all know Hussein

Oman hear me cryin'
Where there's shootin' Moshe Dayan
Yas suh!, Yasser Arafat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: John P
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 08:49 AM

I hate to harp on this, but isn't this supposed to be a music forum? Please don't get sharp with me for saying this; I really don't want to be out of tune with my friends here. I have always seen Mudcat as a bridge between musicians all over the world, and this kind of thread can make it go flat. All these joke threads just string me along, although obviously they strike a chord with some people. Does the dominant culture here really find joke threads to be some sort of tonic? My gut level feeling is that it would be cata-stophic. Well, drum me out of the discussion is I am way off key here. Just trying to raise the bar a bit, in a measured way. No need to start a bransle, I guess I'm just in a complaining mode . . . don't mean to rock the boat . . .JP


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM

True story.

Working in housing contruction twenty years ago in Texas, I worked with a crew that consisted of myself, a native Texan and a Mexican. The Mexican, Lorenzo, had much difficulty with the English language.

Each morning, the two men would come to my home and we would check the weather on TV before we went to the jobs. This particular morning was very cold. The weather man gave the temp as 22 degrees with a wind chill factor of -10.

Lorenzo, upon hearing this said, "I am glad I do not work there."

Confused as to his meaning, I asked, "Work where?"

Lorenzo said, "At the wind shield factory."

khandu


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Naemanson
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM

Looks like John is taking a stanza!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:19 AM

John P: This topic has been discussed before, many times, at great length. (Someone should post links to those threads so we don't have to repeat ourselves.) But my own understanding (which I haven't posted before) is that Mudcat is like a big party where all, or nearly all, of the attenders happen to have one thing in common: they love folk music. But we have other interests, too. And you know darn well that if all these people were actually gathered together in one house, for a real party, some of them would be in the dining room having a jam session, some would be in the kitchen telling jokes, some would be in the living room having a heated discussion about politics, some would be on the front porch talking about gardening, and so on. From time to time, people would get up and move from one room to another, and circulate. And maybe the same jokes would get told more than once, the same tunes would get played more than once, the same issues would get debated more than once, as new people entered or left the room. And they would all go home feeling they had a darn good time. That's sort of what happens here in a virtual sort of way.

Now, you wouldn't make yourself very popular at a party if you went around telling people they ought to shut up and only listen to the music, or only talk about music. The polite people would patiently explain what a party is really supposed to be like, and the less polite would tell you where to stick it. All that has happened, many times over, at Mudcat. But in spite of that, the party goes on, and even those who once said foolish things are, finally accepted and welcomed.

Welcome to the Mudcat party, John P!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:50 AM

"· on that day no tern was left unstoned. "

and at the same time, they were holding the Miss Naked Universe contest nearby, where the tanning lotion vendors were making a fortune, ensuring that there was 'no stern un-toned'


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Naemanson
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 12:02 PM

Jim, I think you missed John's point. read his message again and remember what this thread is about.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: kendall
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 12:47 PM

That Koala tea one is popular, it has been told three times.

Try this. The biggest woolen mill in Germany finally had to give in to competition from abroad, and, the whole mill complex was sold to a dog breeder He was the most popular dog breeder and kennel operator in all of Germany, and, soon had the place filled with all the business he could handle. Finally, a local newspaper printed a story about the success of the new business, and it read....

wait for it....

scroll down...

THE MILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE HOUNDS OF MUNICH


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: John P
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 01:10 PM

Jim,
I make myself plenty unpopular at parties just by making puns during most conversations. As in this thread. I chose the topic I did precisely because I have seen it discussed so seriously so many times on the Mudcat. I thought the whole "this is a music forum" message could use a little punishment. I like things to be discipIined; didn't think I would get spanked for sticking my paddle in the water and trying to whip up some support for my whacky ideas.

John Peekstok


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 05:56 PM

Kendal:

Then maybe I should copyright my stuff.I dreamed that one up about twenty years ago when Tom Benson told me the one about the footrace that anyone could enter, involved Murphy' Koala bear, and the Devonshire rental agency woman whos broke her leg while the Koala sprained his ankle. Both came across the finish line on one leg.

THE KOALA BEAR OF MURPHY IS NOT SPRAINED, IT HOPPETH AS THE RENTAL JANE FROM DEVON.

Donna and I decided to see how close we could come to Shakespear's actual lines. We succeeded 100 percent with the first line.

Barclay Warburton, playfully, threw me out of the "Black Pearl" Tavern one afternoon. He was enjoying a bowl of Bouillabaisse when I pointed to the bowl and said, "That's what the Matador said to the uncouth bull". It took amoment, but then he chuckled, got up, grabbed me by the collar and threw me out, saying, "And stay out untill it's time to go to work" (I was singing there)
but, then, one day we were sitting around the same table, when someone, doing a crossword puzzle, asked , "What's a singing eulogy"? Someone else said, "An ode to the dead". and The Skipper asked, "How much is owed to the dead?".

In the category, "Gee, you don't look.......ish. Here are a few examples for different groups, etc.

Irish...Gee you don't look Brian Baroughish (so I don't know how to spell)

Ghosts...Gee, you don't look Booish

Domineering women, Gee, you don't look shrewish.

Cattle...Gee, you don't look Mooish.

Wildebeests.. Gee, you don't look gnuish.

Pigeons and Doves,..Gee, you don't look Cooish.

Condensed moisture on grass, in the morning...Gee, you don't look dewish.

Feces..Gee you don't look Phooish

Yehudi...Gee you don't l;ook "nu"ish

Billiard players...Gee you don't look cueish.

Actors..Gee you don't look cueish

Englishmen at a bus stop...Gee you don't look queish

People who are easilly awed...Gee, you don't look OOooohhhish.

Caged animals...Gee you don't look zooish.

Australians...Gee you don't look 'Rooish.

Lawyers...Gee you don't look sueish.

Bankers...Gee you don't look dueish.
French Kings...Gee you don't look Louish.

I guess you can see that there are many many others, but This will do, for me, for now.

Jody Gibson
MD. DDS.,LLD.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 06:45 PM

John P. It sounds like you have a score to settle with someone. Personally I agree with you Heart and Soul. I think those mudcatters who cannot conduct themselves in a more seemly manner and refrain from useless postings should be slapped with a re-straining order.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,an is guy
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 07:44 PM

ferdinand feghoot, the great traveler in time and space, was summoned to the planet of the pearl people.
it seems that michael, their greatest doctor of jurisprudence, had been thrown into the vinegar sea by one of his enemies.
feghoot was asked to find him before the vinegar dissolved him completely.

so feghoot waded into the sea of vinegar barefoot, and in less than a minute found michael, who was brought ashore and resuscitated, a little worn, but alive.
feghoot was asked how he'd accomplished this task so quickly.
he, of course, answered in song...

a gritty pearl is michael, lld.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Dani
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 09:44 PM

What does a fish say when he hits a concrete wall?

"Dam"

Dani


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:31 AM

Davebhoy, Your story A man was filling up his car with petrol when it overflowed and splashed all over the sleave of his jacket.

He paid for the petrol and left the garage. 200 yards down the road he lit a cigarette and the petrol vapours ignited as which point the police arrived and charged him with possessing a fire arm is NOT FUNNY
This very accident happened to a friend of mine in Belfast. As a result, he was shot dead. In Belfast, at that time, they didn't mess around, if they saw someone with an Armalite!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Naemanson
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:33 AM

Sophocleese, I had to read your last post twice before I realized it was full of puns! Very good!

I don't get "a gritty pearl is michael, lld."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Micca
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 08:45 AM

This was e-mailed to me by a friend.. I will leave you to judge
In the Daily Telegraph(UK) this morning - TRUE STORY.

There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit. In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn". The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes. So her address is:-

Miss Lucy Likes The Cockwell Inn Tillit Herts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:15 AM

Micca, the DT writer must have gone to the same school as me 50 years ago when we were giggling at that behind the bike sheds!
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:37 AM

Hey! Brain enaged for a change. Combining this thread and John P's point about music and my own name, who remembers a very young David Bowie doing a song about a garden gnome? I can't remember it very well but I remember some awful puns - Prime being 'havn't you got a gnome to go to!'

BTW - what exactly IS a pun? I always understood it to be a play on words like asking vampires how they like their steaks etc. I think they can cover similar words like the home/gnome example above and lots of the postings in this and the earlier thread - but arn't some of the entries just jokes?

Not as it realy matters I guess jokes and puns should all be kept for posterity anyway. A master comedian once said he wrote all the jokes he ever came across down so he would not forget them. After all, a pun he saved is a pun he heard....

Yuk.

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:41 AM

Bowie's Laughing gnome?
Where do sick gnomes get treated? On the National Elf Service of course.
RtS (San Fairy Ann)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:29 PM

A note to John P: OK, we're on the same page now. I see my interpretation was out of sync with your tacit intent, which was to sustain the theme, not run contra to it. I should have suspended judgment until the discord was resolved. Instead, I made a classical mistake, and ended up looking like a ritard!

Since puns aren't my forte, I will try to temper my remarks in the future. Then, hopefully, we won't have a repeat of this little contretemps. (A minor point: what's a bransle?)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:34 PM

what's a bransle?

Any sail on a multi-sailed vessel which has turned brown (the colour of wheat bran) with age or fungus.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: grannyjan
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:42 PM

As a teenager, newly working at a bank that had recently merged with another, i discreetly answered the phone :

Good morning, National Bestminster Wank'

A dreadful pun of my own devising - The patient wants a synovectomy - is that the surgical removal of Chinese take aways?

A colleague used to answer the phone between 11.30 and 12.00 with Good aftermorning.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,an is guy
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:45 PM

(sings)a pretty girl is like a melody, that haunts you night and day

a gritty pearl is michael L L D

get it? huh? get it?
(wanders off shaking his head and muttering)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:48 PM

You can have some fun by working the word "Henway" into any conversation, for example, "We finished with a schottische, a waltz, and a Henway."

When somebody asks, "What's a Henway?" you can answer: "Oh, about three pounds."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:11 PM

Murphy, a well-known freeloader, wanders into a saloon, walks up to Clancy, who's a well-known tightwad.

Clancy: Don't think you can cadge a drink from me, Murphy!

Murphy: Ahhh, no, no. I'll not be drinkin' today. Me doctor won't let me.

Clancy: Oh, are ye ill, then? What did the doctor say?

Murphy: He said I've got a terrible case of yoors.

Clancy: What's yoors?

Murphy: Oh, I'll just have a pint of Guinness, thank ye.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Frug
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:32 PM

A frog walks into the Allied Irish Bank and goes to the cashier Paddy Maconnell. I'd like to borrow £5000 please said the frog. Paddy Maconnell was very taken aback and said it's not as easy as that you know. We don't know who you are and we would need some collateral to underwrite your borrowing. Well said the frog, my name is Kermit Jagger and as collateral I can offer this fine porcelain elephant that my dad Mick bought me for my last birthday. it cost him a fortune. He handed Paddy a small pink elephant and the confused cashier said I can't make a decision like this without consulting my boss and he went into the rear office.Listen boss said Paddy I've got this frog called Kermit Jagger outside asking for a big loan he said his dad Mick the famous singer bought him this little pink elephant and he wants to use it as collateral. What do you make of it. The boss looked at the elephant and said

Its a nicknack Paddy Mac. give the frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:35 PM

Oy. Have we stooped so low? Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Hob: "At the gun show, we saw a Winchester, a Colt, and a Mattababy."

Nob: "What's a Mattababy?"

Hob: "Nothin', baby, what's-a-matta wit chu?"

------

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Art Thieme
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:00 PM

Hey, how about some of you Germans or Poles or French or Chinese speaking folks posting your puns for all of us English speakers to look at even though we can't make head or tale out of 'em. It must be pretty frustrating to you folks who are trying to make some sense out of these pun threads. Am I right---or off the mark ?!? If you're there Wolfgang, let us know.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Lanfranc
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:04 PM

In the depths of the English countryside, there stood an ancient coaching inn. Like many of its ilk, it was at the top of a hill, and was called "The Cock", because it was there that an extra horse (the cock horse) was stabled to be hired to any carter or stagecoach that needed extra power to get up the hill.

The landlord of this hostelry had an old dog, by name Dobbin, who had an eventful life, full of incident and accident. In one accident, he was run over by a car which severed his tail at the root.

The vet who stitched up his other wounds declined to reattach the severed tail, saying that it was not worthwhile with such an old dog. Now, in some breeds, Wiemeraners, for example, a docked tail is a desirable attribute, but for this mongrel it was something of a handicap. Now no-one, landlord or customer, could tell when he was happy.

The dog's master was about to consign the redundant appendage to the dustbin, when he had a thought. He went round to the local taxidermist and had him preserve the tail, which he then attached to the wall of the public bar on a pivot, with a length of stout cord tied to one end leading down to where Dobbin could reach it.

The old dog was then trained to pull the string when he was happy (which was most of the time, for he was a well-fed pet), and the tail wagged away on the wall.

The news of this amusing trick sped far and wide, and trade at the pub was significantly boosted by the tourists and others who travelled far and wide to witness it.

Unfortunately, the old dog's days were numbered, and it was not long after that he tried to run in front of his last car. Humiliatingly, the vehicle that ultimately cost him his life was a Reliant Robin - he forgot about the third wheel in the middle!

Well, Dobbin had been a good dog, in his mongrel way, and, as with all good dogs, his soul winged its way to canine Heaven. However, there was a snag, Canine St Peter informed him that tail-less mongrels could not be admitted through the canine pearly gates. Dobbin's shade could either return to the place where his tail was and bring it back with him to gain admission, or spend eternity in canine purgatory.

So the ghost of Dobbin returned early in the morning to the Cock, which was, needless to say, by that time firmly closed. He whined and scratched on the door to attract his former master's attention.

The landlord woke, and went to the door. He opened it and the doggy ghost rushed in an jumped against the wall where his tail was still pinned. The landlord realised at once what the problem was, but shook his head sadly.

"Dobbin", he said, "after all these years you ought to know that I can't re-tail spirits after hours!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: kendall
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:25 PM

I was just watching a tv program on spiders. The only time I ever heard one speak, it said, "Time is fun when you're having flies."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:26 PM

I had a nice old dog...but he died. I though I would write an ode to his memory as a tribute, but it turned out to be doggerel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Abby Sale
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:51 PM

Yes, Ferdinand Feghoot certainly was the greatest of all travelers in time and space. Once in 1840 he stopped in to see his friend, a great chief of the Cheyenne. The chief was a paragon of the Cheyenne Way and had counted many, many coup in his days. His coup sticks covered his tent, up the walls and strung across the whole top of the tepee.

Suddenly a fierce thunder storm arose as only are seen in the vast plains of America - lightning blast followed lightning blast and the massive crashes of thunder seemed uninterrupted and endless.

Amazingly, however, inside the tent all was calm, nearly silent.

Feghoot was stunned - "How can this be, Chief? How can it be so quiet in here?"

The chief simply pointed up and said, "Acoustical ceiling."


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Chip2447
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:55 PM

The Lone Ranger, sans Tonto, was captured by an irate group of Indians. The Chief, being a fair and just man gave the lone ranger one wish before he was to be killed. The Ranger thought for a moment and asked to speak to his horse as his last wish.

The Chief thought this odd but a deal was a deal, we wasnt going to be known as an indian giver.

The Lone Ranger whispered into Silver's ear. The white horse, in classic cinematic style, reared and bolted off in the direction of the fort.

Just as the masked man was about to meet his doom, Silver gallops back into the encampment, a beautiful redhead astride the saddle.

When the Lone Ranger sees this he shouts, "YOU STUPID HORSE, I SAID 'GO FETCH THE POSSEE!!!"

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Wolfgang
Date: 01 May 01 - 04:21 AM

Art,

the only thing more difficult than understanding puns in a foreign language is doing crossword puzzles. Actually I read some of them here to test my knowledge of English. I understand up to a third of the puns here. Lack of cultural background that is like not knowing citations from the bible or Shakespeare or famous lines from advertisments.

So you want to read one that you cannot understand though it is told in English (there are some jokes that Germans tell in English for the sake of the pun; the background knowledge to get it, however, is firmly rooted in German)?

When chancellor Kohl went over to Britain to meet prime minister Thatcher he said he'd like to go to a pub for recreation. Maggie said she'd love to join him and they both went to the local pub. Maggie ordered a Guinness and Helmut ordered a lager. Maggie raised her glass and said: "To your health!" Helmut responded: "To your dunkelth".

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 01 May 01 - 04:40 AM

A man telegraph his pal , "THE BOYS WANT TO GO DUCK HUNTING STOP GET TWO PUNTS AND A CANOE END

The answer comes back, GOT THE GIRLS NOW WHAT THE HELL IS A PANOE END


Setting is Tombstone, Arizona.
Dog walks into a saloon and orders a beer.
One of the other patrons shouts, "WE DON'T ALLOW DOGS IN HERE", pulls out a pistol and shoots the dog in the foot. "Yike, yipe, yike, whine"The dog limps out of the saloon and goes home. When the wound heals, he spends days and days, turning into weeks and months learning to fast draw and shoot accurately" Finally he decides his skills are about as good as they are ever likely to become

He straps on a gun belt with a 44Magnum in the holster, slams open the swinging doors of the saloon and barks, "I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE GUY THAT SHOT MY PAW".


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: English Jon
Date: 01 May 01 - 04:56 AM

Dunkel being dark.. Hel therefore light beer?


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 01 May 01 - 05:01 AM

Hey John B. If you don't approve, why did you click on to this thread? The title says it's not about music. Looks to me like you're looking for reasons to yell at someone. And, so far down the list of puns, too.
Aren't musicians allowed to be punny.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 01 May 01 - 05:11 AM

I knew guy who hated figh, but, he ate it just for the hallibut.

(variation of one above)
He also hated sea birds, threw rocks at them and left no tern unstoned.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Wolfgang
Date: 01 May 01 - 05:40 AM

Yes, English Jon, "ein Helles" (pronounciation rather close to 'health') would be "a light beer", "ein Dunkles" would be "a dark beer".

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 01 May 01 - 06:06 AM

Hey Woolfie:

Do You know more than one verse of "Musich Den"? The one Elvis Presley used the tune from for, "Wooden Heart"

(So I don't know how to spell in German)

Do you know why German Music goes, "Oooohm-pa, ooohm-pa, ooohm-pa"?

Its because you can't sustain a note on a word ending in "Ichk"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 01 May 01 - 06:15 AM

Some tourists were visiting an exhibit of Ludwig Van Beethoven memarobilia. One piece in the exhibit was a piano stool with three little Feces piled on it.

One of the tourists pointed at it and asked a guide, "What is that?"

"THAT", replied the guide, "IS BEETHOVEN'S LAST MOVEMENT"


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 May 01 - 06:57 AM

...and when they dug up the grave of Ludwig Von Beethoven they found the man himself crossing out all his music.

"Whatcher doing, Ludwig?" they asked

"Just decomposing..."

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Troll
Date: 01 May 01 - 08:46 AM

Princess Lura of Ruritania was on her honeymoon in Russia as the guest of the Tsar. One day she and her husband, Prince Alexey, spent the day alose in a walled garden "sunbathing" and that night she discovered that she had a terrible all-over sunburn.
The next morning they were to go on a horseback tour of the Ural Mountains and the Princess knew that she could never ride that far. The sunburn was much too painful>
What to do? As a royal Princess, she could not tell the Tsar what was really wrong. The subject was just too delicate.
On the other hand, while she could say she was ill, she knew that it was wrong to lie, so she was caught on the horns of a quandry.
She had just decided that she would simply have to go on the tour when her husband came in. As she told him of her decision, he stood gazing at her blistered buttocks and thighs, shaking his head.

"Tour all Ural Lura? Too raw Lura. Lie.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: John P
Date: 01 May 01 - 08:59 AM

Jim, a bransle is type of dance tune, usually played in France, often on the hurdy-gurdy. It is pronounced the same as brawl.

Cranky Yankee, with a name like that you should take up the hurdy-gurdy. Please read my posts again, keeping the subject of this thread in mind. Thanks.

John


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 May 01 - 10:44 AM

A friend of mine actually performed a couple of times in an all-male contra band which they called the Testostertones. For years we have been suggesting that someone start an all-female band called the Boom Chicks, but no one has taken us up on it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: LR Mole
Date: 01 May 01 - 11:33 AM

Yankee: He ate fish just for the halibut? Long as he didn't do it on porpoise. Probably a Pisces, working for scale. Elvis' "Wooden Heart"was called "Muss I denn" in German, if my Classical HX Deutsch has held, and was done by one Joe Dowell (one-hitter, I guess).
LRMole, from across the Bay.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Hillheader
Date: 01 May 01 - 02:39 PM

Crazy Eddie

Sorry if I upset anyone. I know the police anywhere can be a bit oversensitive, but shooting someone for having Araldite is a bit much!

John B and Sophocleese

Don't be too crotchety - I'm sure it will all end in a minum or two and or we'll all be quavering wrecks.

A true story.

The computer company WANG moved to Scotland and recruited staff locally. At the very first training course the Japanese trainer said that he wanted everyone to answer the phone in exactly the same way by giving the company name, their own surname then their Department.

John Kerr refused saying Wang,Kerr Sales did not project the correct corporate image!

Another true story. I once knew someone called Mervyn Dyer who was Welsh. He answered the phone simply by saying "Dyer 'ere" and could never understand why people laughed.

Davebhoy


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Bill D
Date: 01 May 01 - 06:41 PM

Wolfgang! I got that one..it is wonderful! And my wife, Ferrara, who is VERY good at languages looked at me blankly for about two beats when I told it to her....then broke up! (It is a pun on two levels, folks...not simply a beer reference)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 02 May 01 - 01:26 AM

Another cross-language pun, that I think I made up in college: There's a line in a Jacques Brel song, "La Prochaine Amour", that goes: "Un homme averti en vaut deux." The obvious English translation? "Forewarned is four-armed."

And one from Dr. Samuel Johnson himself: There was once a painting of an Abbott who was lying dead in a field, with (as the good doctor put it) "a Lilly growing out of his A***" The motto written across the bottom of the painting read: "Habe Mortem Prae Oculis" -- in other words, "Have Death Before Thine Eyes". However, it could also be read as a literal description of the picture: "Abbe Mort en Pre, au Cul Lis."

One of the masters of the cross-language pun was the late Anthony Burgess. But the greatest of them all, in my opinion, was James Joyce. When Joyce was asked his opinion of Sigmund Freud, by someone who no doubt expected a discourse on psychology and literature, he merely replied, "I think it is very interesting that we have the same name."

Aloha,
Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Naemanson
Date: 02 May 01 - 08:40 AM

I am an incorrigible punster so... don't incorrige me!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Wolfgang
Date: 02 May 01 - 09:06 AM

And for us, Bill, the main aim was to make a joke about Kohl who was not very good in foreign languages, neither in pronounciation nor in understanding. That has a long tradition in Germany, making jokes about our politicians' bad English I mean, starting with poor old president Luebke who at the end of his presidency was rather close to dementia.

He supposedly once was sitting aside the Queen (when she came over to Germany for a visit) in an opera house and said to here immediately before the music started: 'Equal goes it loose."

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:21 AM

Khandu - here's a clicky to Spaw's Ode to Billy Joe pun. You might notice that I was one of the ones who bit hard! Spaw's outrageous Ode to Billy Joe pun that caught a lot of us hook, line and sinker!

Wolfgang - I love crossword puzzles and have often wondered how anyone could possibly work one in another language.

CRANKY YANKEE and Bill - I somehow remember the porpoise pun as having something to do with Pennsylvania Knitney Lions, transporting gulls, and immortal porpoises.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:25 AM

Speaking of bilingual puns.

You have heard, no doubt, of the two cats who went out in a rowboat, and were standing up and rocking the boat and all manner of unseamanlike things. A french poodle happened by in a punt, and said, "Yoo seelee cats! Eef yoo do not seet dauwn queeklee, yoo weel seenk befaure I can cauwnt to five!"

an' de twa cat sank.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Grab
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:49 AM

Davebhoy, anyone working in electronics will know that there is a respected instrumentation-making company called Wayne-Kerr. If you don't believe me... Some ppl really don't think about these things, do they?

Graham.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Micca
Date: 02 May 01 - 12:55 PM

Why do anarchists drink only fruit or herb teas???





Because proper tea is theft!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,PatJoe
Date: 02 May 01 - 04:08 PM

Folks this is a fable, it probably didn't happen, but read it anyway for the moral.

A certain Mr. Chan lived near the forest with his wife and little daughter Go Lee Bok. Mr. Chan had a collection of fine teak bowels. One day Mrs. Chan used some of the teak bowels to serve porridge. When Mr. Chan tried to eat the porridge he said "it's too hot". The same thing happened when Go Lee Bok tried the porridge. So Mrs. Chan suggested that they all take a walk while the porridge cooled. While they were gone a small bear entered their home and ate some of the porridge. It was so delicious he took the bowels and ran of into the forest. When the family returned and Mr. Chan discovered that his teak bowels were missing, he called the police. The police investigated and they found the foot prints of the bear. "A small bear stole your bowels" said the policeman, "see the footprints are no larger than those of a boy". The moral is; close the door when you go out. If the door wasn't open in this story, the police would not have to be looking for that boy foot bear with the teaks of Chan.


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 02 May 01 - 04:17 PM

I sure hope nobody steals my bowels. They move a lot, though.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 02 May 01 - 07:55 PM

Mary, it's Nittany Lions. Except in the College of Home Economics, I imagine.

Aloha,
Mark (a graduate of Penn State's College of Medicine, which is actually in Hershey, nowhere near Mt. Nittany and Happy Valley.)
(Not meaning to sound Paternolistic, of course)


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Art Thieme
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:58 PM

I suspect one could call a one-legged mongoloid person from Poland a Polaroid One-Step.

There was a pun I can't remember very well that involved Spanish and English. An American is trying to buy some socks in Mexico and asks a man on the street where to find them. And the answer he gets is something like, "Eso si que es."--------Of course that spells socks---S-O-C-K-S. This leads to a misunderstanding that's like a mini version of Abbott & Costello's bit about "WHOSE ON FIRST?"-----Does anyone know what "Eso si que es" means in Spanish ????

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 03 May 01 - 12:14 AM

Oh, Lordy, Art, that reminds me of the line that reportedly got Soupy Sales thrown off the air.

Soupy, holding up a big card with the letter A on it: "White Fang, what's this letter?"
White Fang: "A."
Soupy: "Very good!"
White Fang gets a few more letters correct.
Soupy, holding up an F: "Great! Now, White Fang, what's this letter?"
WF: "K."
Soupy: "No, White Fang, try again. What is this letter?"
WF: "K."
Soupy: "White Fang, how come every time I show you an F, you see K?"

Aloha,
Mark


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This Thread Is Closed.


Mudcat time: 14 August 7:06 PM EDT

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