NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES|
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:09 AM
Mr Cohen dies and goes to heaven where is is bade to enter but not go near the big white wall.
Every time he sees an Archangel his is asked if he has been near the big white wall and always the answer is "No".
One day he sees Abraham and says "Father Abraham, heaven is great but tell me please, what is behind the big white wall?"
"My Son" says Abraham "That's the catholics - they think they're up here themselves"
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES|
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:08 AM
St. Peter is sitting behind a desk at the gates of Heaven, dealing with the line of new arrivals. "Smith - sorry, down those stairs. Jones? Very good, please go through those gates over there...." And on and on. Then suddenly he leaps up and comes round the desk to greet the next applicant with an embrace and a handshake.
"Mr. Cohen - welcome to heaven! It's a priviledge to have you here. Welcome, welcome!"
Cohen is non-plussed. "Me? You sure you got the right Cohen?"
"Certainly!" says St. Peter "Only a man of your outstanding modesty could doubt it. You've led an exemplary life, we don't see one person a year coming through your qualifications. Look, there is a choir of angels waiting to welcome you on the other side of the gates."
Sure enough, Cohen can see wonderful sights through the wide open pearly gates, including a glorious choir of angels preparing to sing. He starts to move forward politely so he can listen to them.
"One moment," says St. Peter, "there is one small formality. We're trying to improve conditions down there, and we're running a little survey of the more outstanding citizens to see what needs to be done. Would you mind answering a few questions?"
"Certainly, certainly, it's the least I can do, and to tell you the truth, it sounds like a good idea"
"Thank you. And the first qestion is - what is the worst thing that happened to you down there?"
Cohen goes white as a sheet, and refuses to answer, just stands there with an angry look on his face. St. Peter asks again. Cohen just shakes his head.
St. Peter says "I'm sorry, we must have the answer to this question before you can go through those gates."
Cohen takes a deep breath and starts to yell. "You wanna know? I'll tell you!" His voice rises to a crescendo. "My son, my son became a Christian!"
"Quiet, not so loud!" says St. Peter "We don't talk about that here. It happened to the boss"
Subject: non-irritating Jewish Jokes|
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:59 AM
Some of my best ancestors were Jewish. I don't know how to trans-literate (or write in Hebrew) this phrase, so I'll attempt to spell it phoenetically. Sie (see) gornisht helfen. It means, "It wouldn't help". File this away for future reference. Also file away "Moil"(Noun) The man who does the ritual circumcision on male Jewish Infants. OK?
an Hasidic couple (very strict, dedicated Jewish sect, not unlike "Amish" or "Menonite") living in New Orleans has a male baby. They send to Newport, Rhode Island (oldest Hebrew congregation in the New World) for a "Moil". Rabbi Theodore Lewis, formerly of Dublin Ireland, (no joke) answers the call. He steps off the train in New Orleans, wearing his traditional garments, Wide brimmed black hat, black frock coat, etc, and starts walking towards the Jewish couples residence. very quickly, a small group of snickering, chortling children begin following him. This universally admired clergyman becomes somewhat annoyed. Finally he turns and faces the unruly crowd of children and asks, "WHAT'S THE MATTER KIDS, YOU NEVER SEEN A YANKEE?"
(No joke, the, now retired, Rabbi of the most respected and oldest Hebrew Congregation in the New World, The Touro Synagogue, Was very Tall and rather thin. He matriculated at Trinity College in Dublin Ireland and spoke English with a decidedly Irish accent. Teddy Lewis was very camera friendly on television. This is the congregation to which President George Washington pledged, "To Biggotry, no comfort, to Intolerance no refuge".)
Man walking down 6th Avenue in Manhattan (I'm old) goes into a shop displaying watches and clocks in the window. He starts taking off his wristwatch , explaining to the proprietor, "This thing has been losing time ........."The proprietor interrupts him with, "Wait a minute, I don't fix watches, I'm a Moil"
The man asks,"Then, what have you got all those clocks and watches in the window for?"
"Well", came the reply, "WHAT DO YOU WANT, I SHOULD PUT IN THE WINDOW?"
A sociologist, working on his Doctorate, chooses, "Vampirism as a psychological disease" for his subject. He doesn't think real vampires exist. He writes to Count Vladimir Dracula of Transylvania if he can visit his domain while he works on his notes. "Of Course", replies Vlad, "I'll be vlad to have you as my guest"
While packing for the trip, just in case, he puts a large,silver crucifix in his suitcase.
He arrives at castle Dracula and the Count shows him to a room, high in a tower, saying, "You should be comfortable here, no one will bother you, and, if there's anything you need I'll be vlad to obtain if for you" , and departs.
The Sociologist soon begins to compile his notes, when, along about midnight, the window to his garrett flies open and a horrible apparition appears, blood dripping down from two large fangs nd a wild look in his bloodshot eyes"
Quickly the Sociologist siezes the crucifix and thrusts it in the apparition's face. Upon which, the horror wags his index finger at him, as he slowly shakes his head, and says, "SIE GORNISHT HELPFEN"
Love and Knishes
Joseph Paul Katzberg
(no, I'm not Jewish, but my father was, my kid brother and my Mom (step mom) are. My biological mother was Josephine Puzelli, long since deceased)