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NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES

Melani 29 Apr 01 - 09:55 PM
Owlkat 29 Apr 01 - 09:01 PM
Troll 29 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM
CRANKY YANKEE 29 Apr 01 - 04:46 PM
CRANKY YANKEE 29 Apr 01 - 04:39 PM
GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse 29 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM
Hillheader 29 Apr 01 - 03:42 PM
Bernard 29 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM
GUEST,Rob O. 29 Apr 01 - 02:51 PM
Tedham Porterhouse 29 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM
Bernard 29 Apr 01 - 02:35 PM
Tedham Porterhouse 29 Apr 01 - 01:59 PM
walkinman 29 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM
Bernard 29 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM
Tedham Porterhouse 29 Apr 01 - 01:40 PM
Bernard 29 Apr 01 - 12:14 PM
GUEST,tonedeafdave 29 Apr 01 - 11:59 AM
Mr Red 29 Apr 01 - 09:04 AM
Justa Picker 29 Apr 01 - 12:36 AM
Ebbie 28 Apr 01 - 09:59 PM
fox4zero 28 Apr 01 - 09:42 PM
CRANKY YANKEE 28 Apr 01 - 09:03 PM
MarkS 28 Apr 01 - 08:31 PM
MarkS 28 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM
Bernard 28 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM
Bill D 28 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM
catspaw49 28 Apr 01 - 04:47 PM
Margo 28 Apr 01 - 04:43 PM
Bill D 28 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM
The Walrus 28 Apr 01 - 04:18 PM
mousethief 28 Apr 01 - 03:49 PM
Bernard 28 Apr 01 - 03:44 PM
mousethief 28 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM
Bernard 28 Apr 01 - 03:30 PM
Justa Picker 28 Apr 01 - 03:17 PM
MarkS 28 Apr 01 - 02:09 PM
GUEST,Phillip 28 Apr 01 - 01:48 PM
Jim Dixon 28 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM
Bernard 28 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM
Little Neophyte 28 Apr 01 - 01:37 PM
Little Hawk 28 Apr 01 - 01:36 PM
Murray MacLeod 28 Apr 01 - 01:19 PM
Midchuck 28 Apr 01 - 01:14 PM
Little Hawk 28 Apr 01 - 01:04 PM
Justa Picker 28 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM
GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse 28 Apr 01 - 11:36 AM
GUEST,vaguely funny and Jewish :) 28 Apr 01 - 11:25 AM
Troll 28 Apr 01 - 10:43 AM
Gervase 28 Apr 01 - 10:10 AM
Mr Red 28 Apr 01 - 07:32 AM
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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Melani
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 09:55 PM

I don't think Cranky Yankee had any bad intentions in starting this thread, but I agree that it could go wrong bigtime. Some ethinic jokes are funny and some aren't; I suppose people should just use their own judgement with regard to good taste and possible offense. Mousethief, it's obvious the guest who posted with the parody of your name is trying to make you look bad. There are many jerks in the world--I try to ignore them, and counsel everyone else to do the same.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Owlkat
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 09:01 PM

Hi, You can call it whatever you want, but getting a cheap laugh on the basis of your own shallow and limited stereotypical perceptions of someone else's ethnic background is pathetic, and ignorant.

I have heard and read more than my share of jokes ragging on Jews, Blondes, East Indians, Newfies, Poles, Blacks, Gays, Lesbians, Irish, Scots, Italians, Women, and Men,and they all share the same basic attitude of pointing why people not like YOU or YOUR GROUP are inferior.

I don't really enjoy pissing on your parade, but this really a load of crap. You can pretend to be clever and witty. Some of your best friends may be Jews. If they are, they should find new friends. Some of the entries may be from Jews. If this is so, I'd suggest that if you really want to kick someone's ass around the room, then make it your own, please.

I have read some amazingly insightful entries on this site, and it is sad to see it debased with things like this. If you do find these jokes amusing, aren't there other places on the web where you can find like-minded people with whom to share racist humour? Surely we can do better than this at Mudcat, can't we?
Owl.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Troll
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM

Yarmulke ( ya-ma-ka) or kipot (kee-pa). Both are aceptable terms. A Jewish vampire is impossible. It's not Kosher.
Bernard, Jews do tell jokes on themselves; as do Scots, Blacks and Poles. But what is acceptable from an insider, is resented from an outsider.
Your Jewish friends may tell you jokes and may accept and laugh at your jokes, but if you told them to someone from the same congregation who didn't know you, you might get a very different reaction.
Alexi, I've heard the same "joke" in Milwaukee about the Polish and/or Italian neighborhoods. I wasn't amused then either.
Am I Jewish?
No. I am not.
However, my wife and son are, I play in a Klezmer band and am active in the local Jewish community. Call me a Blue-eyed Cousin if you like.
I was born in the mountains of North Carolina, and grew up listening to tourists making jokes about "dumb hillbillies", so yeah, I tend to be a little sensitive about any kind of ethnic joke.
I'm truly sorry you won't be reading my "childish drivel". You might have learned something.

troll


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 04:46 PM

Bernard, I don't know how to transliterate or write it in Hebrew, so here's the way, I think, the name of the "little black hat worn in Schul", is pronounced.

You know the Japanese company that makes motorcycles, guitars and pianos, "YAMAHA"? Well, just substitute a "K" for the "H" and you've got it.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 04:39 PM

Bernard. Sure there are. re-read the first one. it closes with, "Jody Gibson, formerly Joseph Paul Katzberg. No, I'm not jewish. My father was and my kid brother and Mom (step mother) are. My biological mother was Josephine Puzelli." (long deceased)

Hey, Ebbie, I can't think of anything more rude than someone insulting another in a language they think will not be understood. (it's also the stupidest) It can happen in any language, and deserves nothing better than to be answere in the language that the other thought you wouldn 't understand. Case in point. During the 1976 "Tall Ships" thing in Newport, my tall,strikingly beautiful wife, Donna, who's family (she says) has been in Newport, "since the earth cooled", was walking past some Mexican sailors. One of them made some comments,.in Spanish, that were extremely insulting. Donna turned, and with a "Northern Mexican Peon" accent said, "Tus Nalgas" a very "North Mexican" phrase which means, "the cheeks of your ass", flipped the hem of her skirt at him, elevated her nose about 25 degrees and walked on. The other Mexican sailors laughed uproriously at their "insulting friend". One, rose to his feet, aspplauded Donna and shouted, "Bueno, Bueno".

BACK TO THE FUNNY STUFF

Here's some support for "Little Hawk's point of view"
A Jewish Tailor (My grandfather) due to a clerical error, was sent down to Hell. He decided to accept his fate and proceeded to make himself usefull. He made a beautiful new suit for the devil, mended a lot of burned up clothing, and very soon became quite popular among the inmates.
God, like any good leader, was reviewing some of the paperwork and other records, of his subordinatess,. when He chanced to come upon My Grandfather's file. Of course, He knew that a terrible injustice had been committed, and, telephoned the devil.
"You got a guy named Isaac Katzberg down there?" He asked.
"Yeah, so what?" asked the devil.
s"Well, there's been a terrible mistake, he doesn't belong down there, send him up immediately".
"No", said the devil, "I've grown quite fond of the guy, I've seen to it that he isn't suffering or enduring any hardships, but I'm going to keep him. It's refreshing to have someone around who's led a good life".
"I insist" said God.
"Tough", said the devil
"I'll sue" said The Lord.
"Oh yeah?", came the reply, "Where you gonna find a lawyer?"


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM

Hey Teddy! Spare us the Jewish sensititivity. Don't you know that for stereotypes to be funny, they have to have some basis in reality.

Hey Bernard! I loved the line about the Jews hanging out toilet paper to dry. Great line.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Hillheader
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 03:42 PM

I've never understood the term "Born Again Christian". My new mother would need to be some size!!!

I accept we're not being PC but we are being funny and so long as we are able to laugh at everyone with equal vigour then it's all ok surely.

The "Jewish" jokes are told in Scotland but replace "Jewish" with Aberdonian as people from that city are supposed to have short arms and deep pockets. Would that be acceptable? It's not racist.

The best Irish jokes are told by the Irish but that should not stop anyone repeating them should it? Or are we only going to be allowed to tell jokes about our own ethnic and/or religous backgrounds? What would the Andorrans do???


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM

It is almost impossible to tell a joke without involving some form of stereotype, ethnic or otherwise.

Humour is about the ridiculous side of life, whether it be mothers-in-law, spouses, spectacle wearers, or whatever.

Those who try to be 'PC' usually go too far, and make their argument far more offensive than the humour they aim their comments towards.

The past few postings bear this out...

As has so often been said before... if you don't like the thread, just keep out. Turning it into a slanging match does no one any good.

Everybody is entitled to an opinion. Hammering that opinion home until the wood splits is a waste of effort, and detracts from the Forum far more than anything else...

If you want the last word, by all means have it. I won't be reading such childish drivel.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Rob O.
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 02:51 PM

Of course a thread like this is offensive. Perhaps it wasn't intended to be, but any casual perusing of the current Mudcat makeup should give some clues as to where it COULD lead. It may have been started in all innocence, unlike the "Irwin of Irael" thread, which is simply bored trolling thinly disguised as humor, but I'm not so sure. Can you picture the results of a "Non irritating Born Again Christian" thread? Sorry, I just don't think it adds to the forum.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Tedham Porterhouse
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM

Bernard,

Yes, it so happens that I am Jewish.

However, even if I wasn't, my opinion would not be different. I love humor and telling jokes. However, I do not invoke ethnic sterotypes, and most especially not of groups to which I do not belong.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 02:35 PM

WRONG!

Nowhere in this thread has anyone indicated whether they are Jewish or not; in fact, some of our posters are Jewish.

Are you? If you are, perhaps you are being a little touchy. If you are not, then who are you to comment? Too many people get on their high horse without just cause.

Perhaps I should also point out that my Jewish friends do not take offence at my jokes - the secret is to laugh with people, not at them.

I live in Manchester, England, which has the largest Jewish community in the UK. They are, in the main, a fun loving bunch, and would find your comments hilariously funny!

Come on, Jewish 'Catters, what say you?


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Tedham Porterhouse
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 01:59 PM

Bernard,

When a Jew tells a Jewish joke, it does not have the same connotations as when a non-Jew does the same.

Likewise, any other ethnicity telling jokes about his/her own group.

For example, your "joke" about Jews hanging toilet paper out to dry is particularly offensive and plays directly to anti-Semitic stereotypes. That you may have heard the joke from a Jew is irrelevant.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: walkinman
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM

The Arabs and Jews have been fighting for centuries and the real reason for the conflict is the Arab's jealousy regarding the Jew's monopoly of the comedy business, (again this problem has continued for centuries)

There has only been one successful Arab comic in the last 200 years. His name was Aziz Mohmed. He was actually quite funny.

The Jews can take credit for the following list; Woody allen, Morey Amsterdam, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Shelly Berman, Joey Bishop, Victor Borge, David Brenner, Fanny Brice, Albert Brooks, Mel Brooks, Lenny Bruce, Art Buchwald, George Burns, Red Buttons, Sid Ceasar, Eddie Cantor, Titie Fields, Phil Foster, Buddy Hacket, Goldie Hawn, George Jessel, Danny Kaye, Alan King, Robert Klien, Paul Krassner, Louise Lasser, Norman Lear, Sam Levinston, Jackie Mason, Lou Mason, Bette Midler, Henry Morgan, Zero Mostel, Jan Murray, Gilda Radner, Carl Reiner, Don Rickles, Joan Rivers, Mort Sahl, Soupy Sales, Dr, Seuss, Dick Shawn, Allen Sherman, Phil Silvers, Neil Simon, The Three Stooges, Larry Storch, Sophie Tucker, Billy Wilder, Gene Wilder, Paul Winchell, Ed Wynn and Henny Youngman just to name a few...

No wonder the Arabs are so pissed !!!

Anyway, Thank God for the Jewish comics. They have provided a lot of laughs.

wm


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM

The only jokes I have posted were all told to me by Jewish friends, with one exception. The exception ('Here's where we make the profit!!') was told to me by David Kossoff when I was working with him at Manchester Piccadilly Hotel, once.

Jews are notorious for laughing at themselves far more cruelly than non-Jews could even dream of, so I think your point is superfluous, TP!!

Stereotypes are inevitable, and we've had numerous threads on the subject. Let's not start again, this is supposed to be lighthearted fun!!

;o)


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Tedham Porterhouse
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 01:40 PM

While I'm sure that no one in this forum, with the obvious exception of "Alexi Wrigglemouse," has been intentionally offensive, many of these jokes are, in fact, offensive and based on anti-Semitic stereotypes.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 12:14 PM

This is a visual joke, so it won't work too well...

Why are Jewish businessmen bald, with big ears and long bushy beards?

'How much?' (cupping your ears with your hands)

'My life!' (dragging your hands across the top of your head)

'I'll have to think about that!' (twirling beard with your hands)


You can always tell when you're in a Jewish neighbourhood - padlocks on the dustbins, and toilet paper hung out to dry...


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,tonedeafdave
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:59 AM

I'll think I'll add another one - I'm enjoy (most of) these (I'm the 'guest' of the second entry).

A priest and a rabbi are on a long train journey and being roughly in the same line of business, become friendly with each other and spend the hours chatting.

A few minutes before the train is due to arrive the priest leans forward and says to the Rabbi "We've become friends - would you mind if I asked you - have you ever eaten any bacon?"

The rabbi blanches a bit and finally says "Ok, I have to admit, in my younger days I was a bit of a rebel, and I once tried some bacon".

The priest nods, satisfied, and says "Good, wasn't it?"

The Rabbi smiles sadly and says "Yes, I admit it was very good. But tell me! I've been honest with you, after all. Did you ever sleep with a woman?"

The Priest looks pretty worried by finally confesses that in his wilder days, yes, had slept with a woman.

The Rabbi nods. "Nu? Better than eating bacon, isn't it?"

If this thread keeps going, maybe I'll remember a few more.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 09:04 AM

Sam (JK) Simmons of www.somersfolklife.com (et al) fame is Welsh and Jewish.
He always smiles when people ask him to sing one of his favourite songs Kosher bailey.
He always entreats others to add verses too.

my new verse
Cosher Bailey's MP "Ron", well he stop awhile in Clapham.
Lost his car & job, but he still don't know what happen
who said political invective had dissapeared in Folk Clubs?


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Justa Picker
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 12:36 AM

An older Jewish man arrives home early from a business trip.

He walks into his house only to discover his best friend is in bed with his wife.

Stunned, he says to his friend "Saul...I HAVE to...but YOU?????


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:59 PM

Crank Yank, that may have been your finest moment- but why does it leave the sour taste of bile in my mouth?

EB


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: fox4zero
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:42 PM

In the days af the rebellion against the black and tans, members of the pre-IRA army would go from Sunday Mass to Sunday Mass to speak to the the parishioners (no pun intended)to explain the rebel cause and to raise money for guns and ammo. Pat Briscoe, later to be elected the first Jewish mayor of Dublin, was in the group of rebels about to enter a RC church: "D'ye want me to go in wi' ye boys?" he asked. "Better not Pat, we have enough problem trying to explain the rebellion, with having to explain you too!"

Larry Parish (who as Chief Flight Surgeon 10th Air Division Alaska Air Command, served as Chief Moyle (Moile?) in the Alaska Territory in 1956-9


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:03 PM

For my Non-North American friends:

sNotre Dame University (pronouned, "Noter Dame) noted for it's perrenially strong football teams, nicknamed, "The Fighting Irish, will admit anyone who meets their very tough scholastic requirements. On the other hand, I don't know if Yeshiva University even has a football team. Enough of the background, here's the joke:

Notre Dame and Yeshiva are playing a pre season game. The score is Notre Dame 110, Yeshiva 7.
In a huddle, Yeshiva's quarterback tells the others that he thinks Notre Dame knows their signals, so, from now on, he'l give the signals in Yiddish. On the next play, he starts to call the signals in Yiddish, when, Notre Dame's center slowly shakes his head, wags his index finger and says, "SEI GORNISHT HELPFEN"

GUEST: WRIGGLEMOUSE:

But that would exclude all the Yehudi in the rest of the world. There are more Jews in New York City than there are in Jeruselem and Haifa combined.

AND THEN

An Isreali soldier is marching 3 Egyptian POW's towards a POW camp, at gunpoint. One of the Egyptians remarks, "I've got to hand it to you, you Israeli soldiers are sure tough"
To which the Israeli replies, "Yeah? You're lucky you didn't run into my husband".

AND THEN ONE DAY,

Moshe (Moses) and Joshua of Nazareth (Jesus) are in a golf foursome at an exclusive Jewish country club. Jusus is consistently "under clubbing" using a wdge instead of a 7 iron, 7 iron instead of a 3wood, etc., and consistently coming up short of the green. Moses's caddy asks, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" To which Moses replies,
"He IS Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Arnold Palmer".

BUT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME,
Moses Drives a real screamer down the first fairway, 290 yards. Jesus "tops" his drive and dribbles it about 30 yards in front of the tee. A rabbit pops out of his hole, grabs the ball and starts running towards the green. An Eagle swoops down, grabs the rabbit, flies down the fairway and drops the rabbit on the green. The rabbit runs over to the hole and drops the golf ball into it. Moses puts his left fist on his hip, extends his right hand, palm up, towards Jesus and asks,
" You gonna play GOLF, or just fool around?"

The following really happened, One of the great moments of my life and there was only one person there to witness it. He was sitting next to me on the gun deck of HMS Rose, doing some "Scrimshaw like" etching on a piece of whale ivory. I was whipping a rope end and wearing my sailmakers palm. I had on a pair of "Seafarer" bell bottom dungaree trousers, a blue and white striped "French Navy" shirt and my Tarpaulin hat with HMS ROSE embroidered in gold on the front of a black cap ribbon. (The hat is shaped exactly like a stiff-brimmed straw "Boater", with a stiff crown, flat on top. It is made of tarred, heavy canvas, covered with enough varnish to be able to stand on it without cracking it. The last two coats of varnish have lamp black in them.)Anyway:
I only know a couple of Yiddish Phrases that my dad taught me, and a few words here and there. I used them all up that afternoon.

While we were working, a rather portly, middle aged gentleman tourist, in a charcoal grey suit, watching us, with an amused smile on his face, remarked to his, also portly wife, "Meshugga" (crazy). He never, in his wildest dreams, expected to find a crazy sailor like me who understood any Yiddish. (or is it Hebrew?) I looked up at him and hit him with one of my Dad-taught phrases.
"Meshugga eh?" I asked. And then hit him with it, "ZUL DE VOX'N A GESHVERE IM HOLTZ!" Which means, "You should get a cancer in your throat", a phrase seldom used in jest. The smile slowly disappeared from his face as he and his wife began to walk towards the other end of the gun deck. "HOCKH ZICKH KUPF IM VANTZ" (go hit your head against the wall) I called after him as they hurriedly climbed up to the main deck.
I turned to the guy sitting next to me, who was chuckling, and asked him if he understood that exchange. He said , he understood that the guy called me "Crazy" and that he never expected me to understand him, or to reply with, what he assumed, were insulting phrases.

AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO WITNESS THIS, ONE OF MY FINEST MOMENTS.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: MarkS
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:31 PM

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rebbe go up in the space shuttle for three days. Back on earth they are asked by reporters how the trip went.
"How was it, Father?" the Priest is asked.
"Fantastic!" replies the Priest. "I now have a deeper understanding of the majesty of the universe and the power of the Creator."
"How was it for you, Reverend?" the Minister is asked.
"Awe inspiring!" answers the Minister. "Just to think the Lord could create such a thing affirms my faith."

Now they turn to the Rebbe and the Rebbe is a mess. His eyes are red, his beard is all over, his clothes look like they have been slept in forever.
"How was your trip, Rebbe?" he is asked.
"Horrible!" he answers. "Never has such a trip in my life. Every couple of hours, it was dawn, it was dusk, it was dawn, it was dusk........."


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: MarkS
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM

Mortie from Brooklyn is taking a vacation to Japan. He is walking the streets of Tokyo, and all of a sudden he hears the sounds of singing, and it is the evening services! He looks around, and there on a little side street is a Schul!
Mortie decides to attend the services and goes in. As he goes through the door, he is approached by a Japanese guy who says, "Can I help you?"
"Well yes," says Mortie, "I heard the singing and thought I would attend."
"Well OK," says the Japanese guy, "But it's funny. You don't look Jewish."


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM

A Jew goes into a Chinese Takeaway.

'Hey, Ping Pong! Gimme some noodles!'

'Who are you calling Ping Pong? My name is Chai Lung - what is your name?'

'My name is Mark Friesburg, Ping Pong...'

'I told you I am Chai Lung, not Ping Pong'

'Ping Pong, Chai Lung, it's all the same to me...'

'Sorry, cannot serve you.'

'Why not?'

'You sank the Titanic'

'Pardon?'

'Friesburg, Iceberg, all the same to me...'

'You responsible for sinking of Titanic'


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM

Saul stops at deli in Miami that he's never been in before.

Emil, the owner seats him and sends over the waiter. Saul is dumbfounded when the obviously Chinese waiter greets him in perfect Yiddish, takes his order, brings it promptly, and even thanks him for stopping there.

On the way out, Saul pays the bill and asks Emil "Where did you ever find an experienced Chinese waiter that speaks Yiddish?"

"Keep your voice down, please. He thinks we're teaching him English..."


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:47 PM

I spent a summer working for a Kosher Catering Service before going to college and it was filled with jokes, although not the formal kind.....more of an ongoing experience which was also educational.

We did a "Bonds for Israel" fundraiser at the Governor's mansion which involved cooking the food at the temple, transporting the food, dishes, silverware...the works.....from the temple to the dinner and then boxing everything up dirty and taking it back to the temple to wash the stuff. First, it took us three days to wash the dishes (600 placesettings-6 courses), I mean we had almost THREE garbage cans FULL of silverware alone. WE would run out to lunch at McDonald's and have to wash our hands before we could continue unloading greasy dishes. There was a certain amount of humor in that situation alone.

We had cooked all the food and the damn truck broke down so the boss (Jewish himself of course) gets on the phone and tries to find a racked truck to borrow. The only one he could find came from a Kosher meat supplier, but this wasn't his "Kosher" truck. As a matter of fact, it belonged to his other non-Kosher shop and had just returned from a run. It smelled strongly of ham and the floor was a slippery mess. We load up the racks of pre-cooked chicken and pans of side dishes and take off for the 10 blocks to the mansion. A few blocks down the road, the boss takes a turn and there's crashing from the back. We pull over and there are stuffed chicken breasts sliding all over the floor...............yep, we picked them up and served them!

One large temple in Cincy had two separate kitchens with the dining hall in between. It was impossible to mix up the meat and milk. BUT, in Zanesville where the Jewish community is very small, so was their kitchen.....I MEAN TINY!!!!!! We do a late milk lunch on Saturday and have a large dinner to do that evening....but we can't light up a thing til after sundown. So you got 25 people in a kitchen that would be cramped with 8, and at whatever time (something like 8:11) EVERYTHING goes nuts trying to get it all underway ASAP. The only phrase that describes it is "Like a monkey fucking a football." It was chaos.

Last story.........The funniest/weirdest catered event was of couse a bris. It must have been a well known family because it was a huge affair. So at one point we're serving the "horse dervies" and pouring wine at an alarming rate when I realize that there is a lot of screaming from a small room off the main hall. Yeah, sure enough, the parents, mohel, cantor, rabbi, and this poor kid screaming his ass off, are coming out the door. Everybody but the kid is grinning, the crowd is completely sloshed................I'm just standing there with my mouth open like the goyish lad I was and the boss comes up and says, "These are such happy events."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Margo
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:43 PM

Alex, that's no joke.... such a thing actually happened. Not exactly the same reasoning, but; My dad was born in Bulgaria and raised in Turkey. One day while traveling through the countryside with his dad, they somehow happened to surprise a couple of muslim women who were in a field and who didn't have their faces covered as they customarily do. The ladies panicked and raised their skirts up over their faces, only to reveal that they wore NO undergarments.... My dad and grandpa were amused!

Not exactly a jewish joke, but my dad and grandpa are jewish... Margo


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM

posted this once before:

worked once for a Russian Jew in a salvage yard...gruff old fellow who exemplified several sterotypes..*grin*..one day, we were unloading a truck, we almost dropped a piece of machinery as Dave watched..

"Hey..be careful, there...that's worth money!", he said, "You break it, we have to shoot you!"

"Oh, Dave", replied my co-worker, "You gonna line us up by the shed there?"

"No", replied Dave, straight-faced, "we tie you...back-to-back...save one bullet!"

We were astounded..Dave NEVER made jokes, but he did then...and it was a joke that only HE could make..we would never have made a 'tightwad Jewish joke'...but it was funny HEARING it from him.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: The Walrus
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:18 PM

Iwas told this in a pub (by a jewish ex-colleague) many years ago, so any errors are mine.

David, the son of Orthodox parents is married "out of the faith", his parents have eventually come to accept the fact and his mother comes to their home for a visit. While David's wife is collecting the children from nursery, his mother turns to David, "David, I'm saddened, I look in the 'fridge, you have milk and meat together, you've only one set of pans, I know for a fact that you sometimes work on the Sabbeth, you never cover your head<1>. Tell me son, Are you still circumcised?"

Walrus

<1> I can't remember the name of the skullcap - W


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:49 PM

This isn't strictly speaking a Jewish joke, but *I* think it's funny.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decide to go for a walk in the woods near town. They hike for a while and get rather hot and uncomfortable. Then they come upon a beautiful mountain lake. They look at each other, but have no reason to say anything. All three strip naked, and jump in the water.

Soon they are splashing and frolicking and having a good time. They get farther and farther from their clothes on the shore.

Suddenly one of them sees a group of ladies from the town hiking up over the rim of the hill. With horror they realize how far they are from their clothes, and further that there are ladies from all three men's congregations!

In a total panic, they race back to their clothes. The priest and the minister cover their genitals with their hands. The rabbi, however, covers his face with both hands.

They grab their clothes and hurry back behind a large fallen log to change.

"Hey," says the priest to the rabbi, "why did you cover your face, and not your privates?"

"Yeah," says the minister, "I wondered about that too."

"Well," says the Rabbi, "I don't know about the ladies in your churches. But the ladies in my synagogue would recognize ME by my FACE."

Alex


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:44 PM

When's the next bus due?

In about ten minutes, and I'm a Methodist!


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM

I hope it is unnecessary to say that I didn't post the "joke" above posted by the guest who used a name designed to sound like mine.

Alex


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:30 PM

'Hello? Manchester Evening News Classifieds? Can I place an entry in the Deaths column, please?'

'Certainly, Madam. What would you like to say?'

'Hymie is dead'

'Just that, madam? Our minimum charge allows you six words...'

'Okay. Change it to read: Hymie is dead. Volvo for sale.'


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Justa Picker
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:17 PM

Phone rings.

"Is this Rabbi Hershkovitz?"
"Yes".
"This is Mr. Hawkins with the I.R.S."
"Yes".
"Is there a member of your congregation named Saul Silverberg?"
"Yes".
"Did he make a donation of $10,000.00 to your congregation?"

"He will."


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: MarkS
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:09 PM

Two alter kakers sitting on a bench in Miami Beach.
First one turns to the other and says, "TGIF."
"TGIF?", Says number two, "Whats with TGIF?"
"Oh," says number one, "TGIF stands for Thank God Its Friday. That way we know today is the start of the Sabbath."
"Oh," says number two, "SHIT!"

The first guy is mortified. "Oh, how can you, a pious, respectful man, make such an awful comment? You should be ashamed!"
"What ashamed." answers the other guy. "So Happens Its Thursday!"


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:48 PM

I remember seeing a TV profile of Honest Ed Mirvish, noted Toronto discount merchant and patron of the theatre. He recalled the first little shop that his father owned in a rundown part of town. "Ladies of the evening", gaudily dressed would parade up and down on the sidewalk outside the store. His father remarked to him, "Now that's the business to be in! You sell it and you sell it and you still got it!"


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM

Cranky Yankee, I will happily concede that your Jewish jokes are better than mine.

Your vampire joke was used (sort of) in the movie, "Fearless Vampire Killers," directed Roman Polanski, in 1967, where the punchline, spoken in a Jackie-Mason-type accent, was "Boy, have you got the wrong vampire!" It makes me wonder if Polanski had heard your version first, and revised it for the benefit of people unfamiliar with Yiddish.

GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse: If you want your joke to sound less anti-Semitic, could you at least revise it to say "Israelis" and not "Jews"?


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM

Marcus rushed in to speak to his father...

'Father, I have got Rachel into trouble, and her family want a £10,000 dowry...'

'Oy, oy, oy, I suppose it will have to be...'

A week later, Michael rushes in with a similar problem, but this time the figure is £12,000...

'Oy, oy, oy,' (etc.)

A few days later, Rebecca sidles up to Daddy: 'Leonard has got me in trouble, father...'

At this news, her father's face brightens considerably: 'Here's where we make the profit!!'.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:37 PM

What is a Jewish American Princess with colitis worse dilemma?
She can't find shoes to match her ileostomy bag.

Little Neo


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:36 PM

No, no, the goyim can laugh uproariously in that case...they just can't make the joke themselves, that's all...

I think...(if I interpret the word "goyim" correctly).

Lawyers? Phooey. Do your worst...you can't get blood from a stone.

- LH


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:19 PM

LH, I don't recall that Jackie Mason ever restricted his audiences to Jews only. So the goyim should go but not laugh?

Murray


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Midchuck
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:14 PM

A group of us lawyers are getting together to identify people who post lawyer jokes on the net and deluge them with frivilous lawsuits, so they'll go broke paying other lawyers to defend them. Serves 'em right.

There, now I am a liar.

P.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:04 PM

Uh, huh...

I thought that Jews were among those selected groups of people that one simply CANNOT make jokes about...unless one is a member of said group.

Perhaps I was wrong?

I refuse to be known as a member of any identifiable group, so I can't make jokes about anyone anymore...except politicians and lawyers, sometimes. Oh, and parrots. They can squawk all they want...I don't give a damn.

- LH


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Justa Picker
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM

Two elderly Jewish ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now, don't get mad at me: I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stood and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 11:36 AM

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Jews don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw the Palestinians.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,vaguely funny and Jewish :)
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 11:25 AM

I got this one form a real Jewish Atheist :) True the person defends Atheists on the internet.

Three facts that are eternal truths.

The Jews will never recognize Jesus

The Episcopelians will never recognize the Pope

Two Baptists will never recognize each other in Liquor Store.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Troll
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:43 AM

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother?
The 19 year-old daughter stays out all night.
The Jewish mother sobs," You're going to kill me!
The Italian mother screams, " I'm gonna kill you!"
BTW Jody, there could never be a Jewish vampire. It wouldn't be Kosher!

troll


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Gervase
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:10 AM

The Jewish mother who buys Lorrie two pullovers for his birthday - a red one and a blue one.
Lorrie comes downstairs later that morning wearing the red pullover.
"So," says his mother, "So what's the matter with the blue one?"

And remember, you don't even have to be Jewish to have a Jewish mother! My mother, who was a teacher in Stamford Hill, an area of North London with a large Hassidic community, used to talk about "JMS" when it came to dealing with problem kids who were over-indulged and rather spoiled by overbearing mothers. Apparently it was a recognised term among her colleagues in the area, and stood for "Jewish Mother Syndrome", and was as common in kids from Nigerian families as among the Hassidim.


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Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 07:32 AM

the Italian Jew who was so confused he didn't know whether to sing an "oivey Maria" or join the "Kosher Nostra".


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