Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE

Subject: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Max Tone
Date: 07 May 01 - 06:56 PM

This came round thro' the ether. Dunno who wrote it, but they got it spot on.......wish I had a name to credit, 'cos it is a GREAT parody. Pure " A social comment on the cross-cultural influences in 21st century Scottish city life", complete with appropriate profanities, relevant to those cultures.

Not for the faint hearted

Apologies for any missed line breaks -- there's lots of it.........translations to follow, if I remember -- if not, I'll post them back, later.

GLASWEGIAN (Weegi) PIE (to the tune of American Pie)

A long long time ago, I can still remember
how those weeji bampots made me laugh,
And I know if I had a chance to see those Neds and Sengas dance,
I'd laugh my fucking arse off once again.
'Cos don't they realise it's not clever,
Drinking Buckfast doon the river,
Tucked in trackie bottoms,
They look just fucking rotten!
I can't remember if I cried when I saw these bams in East Kilbride,
But it amused me deep inside,
the day the mucker thrived!

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Did you write the book of shite
"Can I borrow ten bob, gonnae gee'za light?"
Bugger off yer full o' pish!
Oh and do you believe in hardcore techno?
Huv ye gubbed 5 ectos fur a night at the Metro?
And can you teach me how to speak reeeaaallll slow?!
You can tell that she's in love wi' him,
'Cos he's fae Ibrox and she's a Tim,
They both kicked off their socks and those manky old Reeboks.
He was a scrawny youth with a GAP pullover,
A sovvy ring and a stolen Nova,
They fell in love when he muff dove 'er,
The day the muckers thrived....

Chorus
Now for ten years you've been on the dole,
Hingin' aboot at the Paisley Toll,
And that's just how it's always been.
When the mucker screamed at the Polis van,
In a coat he'd stolen fae TopMan,
And a fag that came from you or me.
But while the cop was looking dapper,
The wee bam chibbed him on the napper,
Dressed all in Kappa clobber,
As he shouted, "suck ma dobber!".
While wee Tam stole a shirt fae 'Mark's', They all buzzed petrol in the dark,
The day the Mucker thrived....

Chorus

Helter Skelter, if the wean cries belt 'er
Writing menshies on the old bus shelter,
Eight days straight drinking Faaaaaaaaaast!
Doin' six month for selling smack,
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Archaos wi' the burd.
The Sengas reek of cheap perfume,
While name-tags jangle round the room,
Each one grabs her geezzer,
A fag and lemon Breezer.
The lack of class is hard to hide,
They cannae wait to get inside,
A stair-heid winch and a door-way ride,
That's how the Muckers thrive

Chorus

You'll see them in their usual places,
With silly hats and ugly faces,
Ootside the offy acting hard.
So Shug be nimble, Shug be quick,
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer pals.
All lined up ootside the "Paki's",
A rainbow of exotic trackies,
Giein' abuse tae grannies,
Ya fucked up bunch of fannies!
And as the day turns in to night,
The neds may gang up to start a fight,
But on their own they're soft as shite!
I've made a Mucker cry!

Chorus
(Slowly with feeling)

I met a girl who sang 'The Sash',
I asked about her pant moustache,
But she just told me to fuck off!
I went down to the local chippy,
Where the Neds hung out and the staff were nippy,
And the muckers there harassed me for some fags.
Baseball hats at stupid angles,
The girls each wore three dozen bangles,
Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies.
But the three meals they enjoy the most,
Are chinky, chippy, beans on toast,
Come Glasgow fair they hit the coast,
The day the mucker thrived

Anon, but probably by Don's infamous weegi cousin, NOD MacLean!!

Some Translations, in order of appearance

Weeji = GlasWegian, Bampots = young hard-men, yobs, nutters, etc., Neds = much the same as bampots, Sengas = their female equivalent/girlfriends (Senga = Agnes backwards, which the Agneses think sonds mair posh), Buckfast = cheap gut-rot wine, Trackie - track-suit, Bam = bampot, Mucker = mate, pal, Fray Bentos = maker of tinned pies, Uno = small Fiat car, Bunnets = hats, Milngavie = posh suburb/dormitory town fer Glasgow, pronounced "Millguy" or "Mullguy" , Shite = faeces, Gee'za or gie's a = give me, Gubbed = demolished, etc., Ectos = ecstacy, Ibrox = (protestant)Glasgow Rangers FC's stadium, Tim = Catholic/Celtic supporter, derived from Timaloi, derivation unknown -- Help!, GAP = designer label, Sovvy = (presumably) Gold, probably from sovereign, Nova = small Vauxhall car, Polis = Police, Fag = cigarette!, Chibbed = stabbed, (usually), napper = head, so "Chibbed him ON the napper" is probably either a punch or a head-butt (otherwise kent as 'droppin' the nod'), in this case, Marks .....& Spencer, Wean = kid, Menshies = ????, Faaaaast = Buckfast, Burd = girlfriend, Stair-heid = top landing, Winch = wench/clinch, Offy = Liquor store, Shug = common nickname for Hugh, The Sash = infamous sectarian song, Chippy = emporium fer the purchase of what only the Septics call French Fries. The French call them Pommes Frites, an' we ca' them CHIPS!, Chinky = Chinese food,------- any I've missed -----work it oot yersel's

Rob

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Haruo
Date: 07 May 01 - 08:20 PM

Thanks! A tour de quelque chose! Líolaind

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 May 01 - 10:13 PM

Absofuckinglutely priceless!! Glad I wasn't trying to drink anything when I read this; I'd've aspirated! Thanks!!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,chullainn
Date: 08 May 01 - 08:39 AM

could "menshies" mean "menshevik" (i.e., communist) slogans?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Max Tone
Date: 08 May 01 - 07:59 PM

Aw weel, Chullainn,

Forbye yer graffiti theory assumes they Weegi Bams hae eneuch intelligence tae unnerstaun Russkie, ye've goat cloasest yit.......I'd bin lookin' at 'mentions' -- probably wench witticisms........I've asked a few Weegis, an' they dinnae ken.........

Oh, dear, a sick joke that only works in Scots

Q -- "Whit's the difference atween Bing Crosby, an' Walt Disney?"

A -- "Bing sings, an' Walt Disnae!"

'night all

Rob

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 08 May 01 - 08:58 PM

That's a classic. I want to hear that sung, and sung right. If Christy Moore came from Glesca he'd do it justice.

Surely Timaloi is from Tim Malloy or Tim Mallone?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 09 May 01 - 04:27 AM

A "menshie" - is Glasgow slang for graffiti which features the perpetrator's name - a "mention".

Hope it helps

SD

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: wysiwyg
Date: 09 May 01 - 09:28 PM

Where is LJC??

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Max Tone
Date: 13 May 01 - 02:13 PM

Cheers, Scabby an' McGrath,

Another couple fer the vocab.

Rob

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 13 May 01 - 02:18 PM

2nd line last verse -classic!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 May 01 - 02:29 PM

Wow! The music never died!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 14 May 01 - 07:45 AM

Fantastic! Absolute genius! I see that bampots are the same as spides in Norn Ireland. For anyone unfamiliar with the nectar of the gods, Buckfast (a drink also much favoured by Armagh folks and Ulster winos, hence its alternative name of "Lurgan champagne"), here's a description.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Noreen
Date: 14 May 01 - 08:24 AM

A night out at Archaos : Archaos being a group of performance artistes who juggle with fully-functioning chainsaws and suchlike... i.e. they are haaaaaaaaaard!

Great song, Rob!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,Moleskin Joe
Date: 14 May 01 - 09:18 AM

Sorry Noreen but the Archaos referred to is a night club in Glasgow.

Ian M.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Noreen
Date: 14 May 01 - 03:29 PM

Ah well- now I know. :0)

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,Moleskin Joe
Date: 14 May 01 - 04:00 PM

Noreen, For what its worth there but for the grace of god go I (several times)

Ian M.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Celtic-End Singer
Date: 14 May 01 - 07:30 PM

As a proud Glaswegian who despises the neds who lower the tone of the place and thought the song was bloody fab I thought I should offer some linguistic assistance. "Chib" is a noun which means a noun a knife or blade. It this context it is used as the verb "to chib" which means to stab or slash.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Max Tone
Date: 24 May 01 - 04:39 PM

Celtic-End Singer

-- I agree that chib is usually a knife, or stabbing/slashing as the verb, but the context in this case seems different. Even weegi neds would stop short of cuttin' up a polis, I reckon. A heid-butt, or deckin' him wi' a right hook sounds more likely. "Chibbed his napper" or "Chibbed him across the napper" would be more likely to imply a slashing, but "On" the napper???

Chambers doesnae mention "chib",which is used frequently all over Scotland but Chap, Chip and Chop mostly have double meanings of a cut, or blow. Chib is probably from a similar root, but I'm nae linguist!------------Whaddaya think?

Someone must know who wrote it --- they deserve a medal!

Rob

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From:
Date: 24 May 01 - 06:59 PM


Chiv in romany is a knife or to stab

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 25 May 01 - 05:17 AM

Hmmm... only other note is that while Senga is inded Agnes spelled backwards, it is in fact not an uncommon given name.

Hope it helps

SD

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,numpty
Date: 25 May 01 - 06:56 PM

Absofuckinlootly brilliant. In ned-speak, "pure quality man". To my knowledge, a chib is simply a weapon, not necessarily a blade. A baseball bat is a chib.

DC

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Max Tone
Date: 08 Oct 01 - 04:55 PM

Refreshed,
At the request of several participants (in the Chorus!) at Penicuik Folk Fest mega closing session yesterday. The many 'catters there kent it a'ready, but this'll draw in some new recruits to the forum..............

Rob

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 01 - 05:46 PM

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 01 - 05:46 PM

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,Max volume
Date: 08 Oct 01 - 05:55 PM

Nice to have some wee weegie bampot spreading his sectarian - what's the polite word for excrement - at time when we're bombing the shite out of another lot of religious bigots.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,Ned
Date: 08 Oct 01 - 06:08 PM

To numpty,

Numpty by name and nature. Ever been chibbed? Doubt it. Baseball bat my rear end. See the Barras - See Saturday night - See the Fifties - Rock an Roll an a' that see you when when you've been chibbed - smile a mile wide. Away hame an' grow up.

Love an' kisses

Big Vince

P.S. Don't step on ma blue suede shoes (if you can reach that high)

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 09 Oct 01 - 07:18 AM

Have sung this pure dead magic gem (with safety net of the wurds) at Whitby, Warwick and Bromyard it's gone doon fair stoatin

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Jock Morris
Date: 09 Oct 01 - 05:11 PM

Sectarian???? What the f**k is sectarian about this song????

Speaking as one of the Penicuik chorus singers I reckon it's pure dead brilliant so it is.

Scott

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: MC Fat
Date: 10 Oct 01 - 04:55 AM

Presume spreading the sectarian shite is the bit about 'She's from Ibrox and he's a Tim'. Grow up Max, religious sectarian bigotry has been goin on for donkeys years in Scotland not singing funny songs isn't going to stop it educating the masses is.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 10 Oct 01 - 07:57 AM

MCFat: you are spot-on about education being the solution for bigotry. This is a true conversation that occurred in my wife's place of work a few years ago.

Dramatis Personae:
Dina (older - very Presbyterian 50's housewife - delusions of grandeur)
Margaret - (younger - Catholic - a touch on the bitter side)
Ann (my wife - churchgoing and very ecumenical)

....

Ann: ... well, after all, we're all Christians
Margaret: Well, I don't know if I'm a Chrsitian, but I'm certainly a Roman Catholic
Ann: oh , come on, now..
Dina: (witheringly) Oh, Ann, came on, surely you must have heard about the "Romand and the Christians"?
Ann: (speechless)
Margaret: Aye, you tell her Dina...

Cheers

Steven

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,Scabby Doug
Date: 10 Oct 01 - 09:38 AM

Absolutely brilliant conversation Doug reminds me of my son who had and still has a penchant for getting his words and joined up thinking wrong (or funny). I said one of my usual stating the obvious sayings (might start a thread see if anyone has got any new ones !!) like 'Is the Pope a Catholic ?' . To which he replied 'but dad is he a Catholic or a Roman Catholic ?'

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 10 Oct 01 - 09:51 AM

Sorry Doug I put you down as me there when it should have been me.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 10 Oct 01 - 10:22 AM

MC Fat - I have now slapped the side of my head several times, and I just about understand the last two posts...

Oh by the way sorry about the typos in my (own post) "came on " should have been "come on" and "Romand" should have been "Romans"

Cheers

Steven

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 10 Oct 01 - 10:26 AM

Sorry Doug I blame it on the lack of Lunatic Soup we cannie get it doon here !! 'He ain't heavy he drinks Buckfast !!' Could be another parody there.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: RangerSteve
Date: 11 Oct 01 - 09:01 AM

Is there such a thing as a Scottish/English - English/Scottish dictionary? If there is, where can I get one?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,Gt
Date: 24 Dec 18 - 11:36 AM

Brilliant song.
But what is "cheese" reference in bus shelter..and what is "cappa"

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: GUEST,LynnH
Date: 25 Dec 18 - 03:47 AM

Great!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: GLASWEGIAN (American) PIE
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 25 Dec 18 - 03:55 AM

Don't see any reference to cheese anywhere in the song? Do you mean "geezer"? If, so that just means her man or "fella".
Kappa was a brand of sportswear much favoured by "neds" among others: quite expensive, so probably also nicked (stolen).