DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS

Subject: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Peter T.
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 11:51 AM

Dear Mudcat Advisor,
I read your column every day, and need some help. As you know, the entertainment season is now upon us, and my husband keeps inviting all these folk people to our house for dinner, to - as he puts it -- "crash", and so on. Apart from the fact that I usually have to reiron the plastic sheets over the furniture when they leave, I do not mind their presence. The last time he did this, I sent a telegram to the Supreme Goddess, Martha Stewart, and she made a few suggestions. When my husband's folk friends arrived imagine their surprise when they were greeted with a table of choice delights! These included:
a bumper coleslaw salad in the main hole of a guitar (the strings acted as excellent slicers), festooned along the frets with parsley;
A cunning statue of John Henry in lime-green jello, holding a hammer dotted with tiny marshmallows;
A sliced meat tray in the shape of Jackie Paper looking for Puff the Magic Dragon;
A linguini dish representing the sound cables cut by Pete Seeger at Newport when Bob Dylan went electric;
and for desert, a little thing of my own, I call Frank Proffiteroles.

My husband looked at me and said, "Are you out of your mind? Beer, and if pushed, nachos."
What should I do, Mudcat Advisor? Should I give in to what he wants, or should I persist in attempting to beautify and glorify folk music in my own way?

Signed,

FRUSTRATED IN THE BURBS

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 12:01 PM

Dear Frustrated in the Burbs,

Keep it light, keep truckin', and always serve Guinness.

~MA #261

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 12:08 PM

Dear Frustrated...It's a good thing you didn't ask Martha for guidance about the 'blues'...I doubt that your guests would have appreciated a pot of Woad simmering on the stove, with instructions and templates of famous scenes from the life of Leadbelly..(lordy...imagine his first meeting with Alan Lomax, painted on the tummy of some plump banjo player!)

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 12:26 PM

Dear Frustrated

My heart goes out to you. HOW (and I mean HOW) could martha allow you to make such an ass of yourself in front of others? It might take years to live this down.

To have ANYTHING representing "Jackie Paper" on a "Folk table" is the height of declasse. Now, if your guests were "singer-songwriter people" that's a different story. They might appreciate your effort, and you could have also offered some lovely "Elusive Buttertarts Of Love", "16 Buns", "Ani di Franks and beans", and for that "just right" piece de resistance.... a giant Chopped liver diary with a Marzipan Takamine guitar (make sure it's acoustic-ELECTRIC...'cause those teenage girls LOVE the extra volume)

I know those "folkie guests" would really appreciate individual fortune cookies, each with it's own Child Ballad inside......but watch those texts, no modern re-writes, eh sweetie?

Miss Mudcat advisor

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Hollowfox
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:09 PM

Dear Frustrated,

Don't worry. In my experience, the favorite food of folk people is "available". I do like your cole slaw presentation, but when I tried it, I found serving to be a bit of a challange, especially when Beauford (he was vis'tin) dove for the slaw, mashed his hand in to get some, and inadvertantly added a thin-sliced Beauford Tartare garnish to the project. But then, Martha's strong point has always been presentation, not clean-up or first aid.

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Matt_R
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:20 PM

I guess that's why they call it the blues!

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: MMario
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:30 PM

No, no, NO! Can't serve Child Ballads in fortune Cookies! Fortune cookies are far too recent, let alone having been invented in San Fransisco by many accounts. Instead, the (hand calliographed) child ballads should be presented a la the "four and twenty blackbirds" - in a pie shell. For further authenticity - make the pie shell of dough containing only flour (un-bleached, stone ground) and water.

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:34 PM

Oh Mario, I'm SO humiliated! Of course you're right. One night I served "Niles 33, and 42" and of course my Folk guests just walked out. Thinking of Bronson for my next pie, what do you think?

Shaken

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:40 PM

And jelly rolls.

~S~

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Peter T.
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:40 PM

I am overwhelmed with suggestions, Mudcat Advisor, but I still have a gnawing doubt -- one of my husband's "folk friends" came downstairs and said that it was the first time he had ever seen knitted toilet paper, but it was certainly soft, and I ran upstairs and saw that the toilet paper cosy cover with the tastefully embroidered sheet music from "Brown's Ferry Blues" on it was missing. Am I wasting my aesthetic talents on these people, or should I continue?

FRUSTRATED IN THE BURBS

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Kim C
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 01:42 PM

Maybe you should hire a wino to decorate your home.

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: SDShad
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 02:05 PM

You sure it oughtta be that kind of a party, Suse?

Jelly roll, jelly roll, ain't so hard to find,

Shad

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Matt_R
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 02:13 PM

Hey Kim, our family has a re-written line that goes "And I'll be sure to keep in stock those soft aluminum cans, so when you're feeling macho you can crush them against your head".

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Hollowfox
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 02:26 PM

F in the B, you should continue as long as your heart desires, and you can afford the plumbing bills.

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 05:04 PM

wHY DID YOU CHOOSE LIME-GREEN JELL-O FOR jOHN hENRY? jUST CURIOUS. dID YOU PLAN A JELL-O PIT FOR THE EVENING?

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Morticia
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 05:16 PM

F in the B, if I may be so bold as to make a small suggestionette here....if you serve something en flambe in a bodrhan, you will be an instant hit with all your folkie friends ( of whom you have none, to quote Tom Lehrer).

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Kim C
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 05:20 PM

heehee! Y'know Matt, I used to think it was a really stupid song until I actually took the time to listen to it. It's a pretty clever piece of work.

what about a catfish pate served in a banjer head?

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: JenEllen
Date: 07 Jun 01 - 05:56 PM

Dear Frustrated;

You have certainly come to the right place. I concur with the illustrious Miss Mudcat Advisor, and offer these tips in preparation for your next crash:
Stock up on glassware. Inevitably something will be led walk-a-bout for use in tankard orgies, and you don't want to be left drinking straight from the tap.
The new-and-improved George Foreman grill is just the right size to grill a possum, even if they failed to mention that on the commercial...
Go to your local library to read up on tatoos, body piercing, and everything having to do with undergarments so that you are prepared for light conversation apres drinks.
Apparently, many musicians are starving. There is no Sally Struthers for the folk set, so they are bound to eat anything that isn't nailed down. Hide the potpourri.
Save all of your shoeboxes. After the entertainment season is over, you will need someplace to collect all the the thousands of little scribbled-on cassette tapes your guests have left you, for play during the off-season.
Get the hamster some new pasties if Sorcha, kat, or Jackie is coming over, and paint up the squirrel cage. Hell, while you're at it, get a pair for yourself and learn how to twirl.
Drink a pint or four, and teach yourself how to play 'Dixie' on your MarthaStewart mini- blinds. Then call her up at 2am, tell her you know Guy, and show her what you've learned. She loves that.

Miss Begotten

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: Peter T.
Date: 08 Jun 01 - 09:33 AM

Dear Mudcat Advisor,
I have a new problem. I don't know if you have ever seen a guitar without a plug or those knobs on them that you can see in pictures in the 25-part Time-Life series on "The 60's" that I bought, but they are mostly brown. I thought that as a surprise I would spice up one of my husband's guitars (he calls it Martin for some reason -- anything to do with Roan and Martin? who once did funny things with doors if I remember) and got out my acrylic paints and made it very very psychedelic, in a kind of homage to that era!!! When he got home he saw what I had done and really, really blew up and we had a big fight. Do you think that I went a bit far in trying to bring some art into our humdrum lives? He seems unwilling to come halfway towards relating to my aspirations.

FRUSTRATED IN THE BURBS

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 08 Jun 01 - 09:50 AM

Dear Frustrated.
Not at all dear, but you should have gone the whole hog and thrown out that old handcarved leather strap and run him up a nicer one in cretonne. A nice taupe or mauve would just scream 2001. I bet he would too when he saw it.
Toodle Pip!
Hermione

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: LR Mole
Date: 08 Jun 01 - 10:05 AM

I think the psychedelic Martin would provide esthetic balance to a replica of the paisley parsley Telecaster, served with chuckberry relish. As a main course, I suggest Swan A La Polly (wrap apron about it; garnish with brook trout)although, depending on geographical availability, you may prefer wild geese, in the west. Perhaps as an appetizer, acoustix with a subtle sheep dip. Cauliflower power!

Subject: RE: DEAR MUDCAT ADVISOR? RETURNS
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 11:11 AM

This from the London Evening Standard may offer guidance to all Mudcatters !
Have you asked the rudest question?

by Luke Leitch If there is a communication that corrupts good manners most, it must be the ill-advised question. Now a respected American arbiter of etiquette has declared that the rudest question of all is "Why aren't you married?" This incautious enquiry tops a list of 10 conversational calamities deemed the worst by the Emily Post Institute, which has been America's self-declared "civility barometer" since 1946.

Second in the institute's top 10 list of excruciating social gambits is the uncompromising "Why don't you have any children?" - another question likely to provoke those asked it to choke on their canapés.

Diplomats in the US State Department are among those to be given the list of unmentionables, revealed last night as part of a seminar on protocol.

Other catastrophic chat-up lines in the list include: "Are you tired? You look it?", "How much did that cost?", "You're dead wrong", "How old are you?", "Ah, c'mon. You can tell me", "I can see I'll have to simplify this for you", and - somewhat oddly - "As the President was telling me the other day".

Another less specific faux pas listed by the Emily Post Institute is to correct someone's punctuation.

The opportunities for questionable questions, then, are seemingly endless.

So perhaps it is best to avoid the interrogative entirely, mindful of Samuel Johnson's adage that "questioning is not the mode of conversation among gentlemen".

After all, the trouble with asking a rude question is that you might just get an answer. (c)Evening Standard

RtS