BS: Made Me Laugh...

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,mcpiper (cookieless just now)
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 04:39 AM

Another from Jed Clampett, after Granny hd treated Mr Drysdale with her remedy for the common cold.
"Looks like Granny's cure has knocked a few jars off the shelf"
My bosses favourite, "If your brains were dynamite they wouldn't blow a straw hat off yur head" or "you have the brains of a paralysed wood louse".

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 12:13 AM

"he ain't got the sense God give a RE-tarded rubber duck"

...from 'Ol John, the carpenter..Wichita State U, 1967

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Dave Swan
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 07:20 PM

He's got his solar panels on the north side.

Yes, Alison, I can hear you and Helen and the rest of the lot already....;)

D

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: RangerSteve
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 06:08 PM

In a comic strip called "Over the Hedge" the other day, two of the characters are trying to explain the concept of "work" to a third. After giving up, one of them says to the other, "might as well ask a marble slab for its opinion on podiatry".

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Snuffy
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:21 PM

I think the telegraphic address of Talbot(?) House was Toc H, and this was adopted as the nickname of Claytons benevolent organisation.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 11:18 AM

I think Toc H was a sort of soldiers' welfare organisation started in WWI by army chaplain Rev "Tubby" Clayton. The emblem was an oil lamp (like Aladdin used ) with a small flame, hence the "dim as".
BTW one of our overseas students did something silly the other day and apologised , saying:"If I wasn't Asian, you'd think I was blonde"!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: mousethief
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 04:30 PM

Isn't there a Pink Floyd song called "Pow R Toc H"?

Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 04:12 PM

Ask Morty about Toc H - she used to work there!! It's a military phrase, nothing to do with religion.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 04:01 PM

If stupid was a brick, she'd be a stadium.

So dumb he looked like a duck at a cock fight.

So dumb he took a knife to a gun fight.

So dumb he has to read the instructions on soap.

If they pumped all of the air out of the room, she'd never notice.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: alison
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:52 AM

a few Belfast ones

"as thick as champ" (champ = a stodgy meal consisting of mashed spuds and scallions)

"his heads full of sweetie mice"

and the Ozzie

"he's a snag short of a barby"
"sharp as a beach ball"

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: wdyat12
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:50 AM

Not the brightest bulb on the porch.

wdyat12

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Jenny the T
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:42 AM

"He could have a battle of wits with a tree and lose."

"A village somewhere is missing its idiot"

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,SEA
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:02 AM

He's got Lapsus of the Synapsus.

He has a mind like a steel sieve. (...as opposed to "steel trap")

Dumb as a post.

Heard this one from a forgetful friend recently: "I'm having a blonde moment."

Low wattage.

And, of course, sh** for brains.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 09:18 AM

"Toys in the Attic"

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,Scabby Doug at work...
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 06:34 AM

Two of Billy Connoly's:

As welcome as a fart in a spacesuit...

On an angry audience:

Like a dinosaur with its haemorrhoids on fire.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:54 AM

Dim as a TocH lamp (TocH was some kind of religious group I think, but I don't know why they had dim lamps. Can anyone explain?)
As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike
As thick as mince (that's a Scottish one)
Why are short planks considered thicker than long ones?

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Metchosin
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 01:49 AM

thicker than two short planks

Two bricks short of a pallet

If brains were gun powder he couldn't blow his nose

sort of along the same line: as happy as a peasant whose just won his weight in turnips.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 01:10 AM

Liz,
"As much use as a chocolate condom"
I can think of a use for one of those.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:19 PM

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

I've eaten cheese more mature than him...

As much use as a chocolate condom.

A headline short of a front page.

A ringtone short of a mobile.

The plug is in but the fuse has blown....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: vectis
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:09 PM

Daft as a brush.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 01:11 PM

Has as much intelligence as God gave gravel.
Doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground.
Would forget his head if it wasn't tied on.
Has to look at his driver's license to remember his name.

alex

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 12:51 PM

A sausage short of a barbeque.

A mental midget.

Measures his IQ to a decimal point recurring.

JG / FME.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: kendall
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 11:39 AM

a trap door in a canoe
a screen door in a submarine

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,Nick P.
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 11:09 AM

He/she's a bubble short of a foam bath. . . as much use a wooden man made 'o smoke/a fart in a buiscit tin.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 09:06 AM

If wit were wool, he couldn't knit a flea a pair of gaiters

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: kendall
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 08:37 AM

Half a bubble off plumb

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 06:49 AM

Glaswegian comment on sub-optimal intelligence:

His (or her) heid's full a wee motors

Or -

His (or her) heid's full a broken glass

in this context "full" rhymes with "dull"

Cheers

SD

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Les from Hull
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 05:19 AM

If people were dominos, he'd be the double blank.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 13 Jun 01 - 02:42 AM

Not the sharpest tool in the box
Food, rug, and a whole colony of ants, short of a picnic
He'd argue with a sign-post
One more brain cell & he'd be a plant.
Stuck on the first rung of the evolutionary ladder
Doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose He's got a room-temperature IQ
Sharp as a sausage
Thicker than a whale omlette
As bright as a five-Watt bulb.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 03:35 PM

He's got two clues; one's lost and the other's out looking for it. Useless as tits on a bull. He's got more paint on his shirt than his brush.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Matt_R
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 03:30 PM

My favorite has always been:

Two coupons short of a toast rack.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 03:24 PM

He/She is half past six. And ace short of a deck

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: lady penelope
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 03:03 PM

the lights are on but nobody's home Completely hatstand ( don't ask ) mad as a fish (name of subject) meet tree, tree meet ( name of subject) I always thought it was "if they had another brain CELL it would be lonely " A kit short of a caboudle Their train doesn't stop at all the stations Makes Ted Bundy look cuddly Their head is full of chewed bread ( this is one of my mothers', so imagine it with a Glaswegian accent ) They came up the Thames on a water biscuit Only visiting the land of the sane. Perceptionally challenged

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Robby
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 02:46 PM

The door is opened and the breeze is blowing throug the windows.

Robby

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: RangerSteve
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 02:43 PM

if peter won't say, I will. P*ss. Some sayings improve with cuss words.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Midchuck
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 02:37 PM

"Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel?"

Whenever I've heard that line, it specified a certain sort of water...

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 02:08 PM

Numb as a hake.

Numb as a pounded thumb.

Stunned as me arse.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Hollowfox
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 01:34 PM

sharp as a marble

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 01:28 PM

Hes as much use as chocolate teapot/firegaurd
" " a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 01:05 PM

A sandwich short of a picnic
If you put his brain in a walnut shell and shook it,it would rattle.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: jeffp
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:55 PM

If brains was leather, he couldn't saddle a bug.

Dumb as a box of rocks

And one my daughter's boyfriend came up with:
Stuck on stupid

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Clifton53
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:43 PM

He ain't got both oars in the water

He's not the coldest beer in the cooler

He's about an eggroll shy of a combo platter

Lots of static in his attic

Clifton

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: GUEST,Paul S
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:34 PM

A quote from Jed Clampett (while describing his nephew, Jethro):

If brains was lard that boy couldn't grease a pan

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: RangerSteve
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:21 PM

When they passed out brains, he/she thought they said trains, and asked for the HO scale.

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: chip a
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:13 PM

Dumb as a sack of dog hair

sharp as a frog's tooth

His bread ain't quite riz

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:12 PM

Not the whole shilling
A few rows short of a spreadsheet
went in with the bread and came out with the buns

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: Justa Picker
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 12:10 PM

- 2 bars short of a Samba
- driveway doesn't come all the way to the house

Subject: RE: BS: Made Me Laugh...
From: kendall
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 11:59 AM

Not threaded all the way on.
Came from the shallow end of the gene pool.
Has one wheel in the sand.
Would be over his head in a parking lot puddle.
Has a room upstairs that is not finished.

Subject: Made Me Laugh...
From: UB Ed
Date: 12 Jun 01 - 11:50 AM

Thought you'd laugh too...

Alternative ways of describing someone's intelligence:
** A few clowns short of a circus.
** A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
** An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
** A few beers short of a six-pack.
** Dumber than a box of hair.(rocks and hammers also work well here)
** A few peas short of a casserole.
** Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
** The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
** One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
** One taco short of a combination plate.
** A few feathers short of a whole duck.
** All foam, no beer.
** The cheese slid off her cracker.
** Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
** Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
** He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
** An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
** As smart as bait.
** Chimney's clogged.
** Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
** Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
** Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
** Her sewing machine's out of thread.
**He's about as sharp as a bowling ball.
**He's got the whole six-pack, he just doesn't have the little plastic thingy that holds it all together.
** His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
** His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
** If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
** Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
** No grain in the silo.
** Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
** Receiver is off the hook.
** Several nuts short of a full pouch.
** Skylight leaks a little.
** Slinky's kinked.
** Surfing in Nebraska.
** Too much yardage between the goal posts.
** Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
** The lights are on, but nobody's home.
** 24 cents short of a quarter

More?