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Help: Jokes
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Subject: Jokes From: Bluegrass Girl Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:34 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Need a couple (CLEAN! - appropriate for woman to tell!) jokes for upcoming gig July 7. Anybody got one? Thanks |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: pavane Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:40 AM What KIND of jokes? Musical? Other? Suitable for what nationality audience? (Tastes in jokes are different in UK and US). There are many jokes sites out there |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: pavane Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:42 AM Loads of musical jokes here Sussex Folk Orchestra |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: MMario Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:45 AM I find it funny that you describe "clean" jokes as suitable for a woman to tell -- as the filthiest jokes I know were all originally told to me by women. However - since I couldn't deliver a punch line to save my life - I can't help you clean or "dirty" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: CET Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:46 AM Pavane, the Sussex Folk Orchestra site may have problems -- when I clicked on the Music Jokes link, I got one of those Not Found pages. Charmion |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: pavane Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:50 AM It works fine for me - I just tried it again now. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Hollowfox Date: 02 Jul 01 - 12:46 PM Can you give us some context to work with; monolog, dialog, what songs you'll be playing? Clean dialog joke-- Lead guitarist to rhythm guitarist: "Why is it that when I play, I'm all over the fretboard and when you play, you barely move your left hand at all?" Rhythm guitarist "Well, I thought you were looking for the perfect note, and I think I found it." (Told by Lew London and Walt Arthur in a performance of the Bottle Hill Boys.They probably didn't realize that the joke is centuries old; I've seen it as a Nasreddin story.) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: UB Ed Date: 02 Jul 01 - 12:47 PM One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20-feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but the man had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went 25 feet deeper, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: kendall Date: 02 Jul 01 - 01:10 PM a guy jumped out of a plane, pulled his rip cord and nothing happened. He was falling at great speed, when suddenly, he saw another guy rising past him. He yelled "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guy says, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Fortunato Date: 02 Jul 01 - 01:23 PM "George Bush, now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!"
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: chip a Date: 02 Jul 01 - 01:45 PM What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?......dam! Oh, wait, is dam dirty? Chip A. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Mr Red Date: 02 Jul 01 - 01:49 PM What's got 21 legs and 30 teeth? a Bluegrass convention |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Micca Date: 02 Jul 01 - 02:09 PM A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90 |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Bluegrass Girl Date: 02 Jul 01 - 02:37 PM Sorry I was not clear. Music jokes. USA (Pennsylvania) bluegrass festival. Monolog (not interactive with other musicians) - for me (a woman) to tell. "Suitable for woman to tell" meant not sexist; different from "clean" or "dirty". Things like: We always need a banjo player -- so we'll know the stage is level -- 'cause he's drooling out of both sides of his mouth. Thanks for help. P.S. None of the women I know tell dirty jokes. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Skipper Jack Date: 02 Jul 01 - 03:32 PM How about the frustrated flautist whose flute went flat halfway through The Merry Widow? No, perhaps not!! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Bluegrass Girl Date: 02 Jul 01 - 03:39 PM Skipper Jack: That one loses on two counts: Those of us with intellect will know that it's dirty. The average "bluegrasser" won't get it!!! Thanks anyway. BGG |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Matt_R Date: 02 Jul 01 - 03:46 PM I heard that back in the old days, the only way you could play bluegrass was if you blew grass. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Bluegrass Girl Date: 02 Jul 01 - 04:01 PM Matt R -- Maybe that's why they won't get the joke -- too much grass has rotted their brain cells. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: kendall Date: 02 Jul 01 - 04:45 PM Why are you performing for people whose IQ you dont respect? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Matt_R Date: 02 Jul 01 - 04:47 PM Why? You do it yourself, kendall. HA HA HA! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: kendall Date: 02 Jul 01 - 04:56 PM What makes you say that Matt? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: kendall Date: 02 Jul 01 - 04:58 PM I've never performed for you have I Matt? anyway, there was a drummer who got tired of being picked on, so, he decided to learn a real musical instrument. He went to a store, told the clerk, "I want to buy that red trumpet, and that accordion." Clerk says, "I'll sell the fire extinguisher, but, the radiator stays." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Matt_R Date: 02 Jul 01 - 05:20 PM Thank God, no. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Bluegrass Girl Date: 02 Jul 01 - 10:13 PM Kendall -- I liked that joke. Thanks for the input. I'd perform for dead monkeys if it meant that I'd be able to sing the music I prefer to any other. It is unfortunate indeed that this particular genre' brings with it folks who either truly are, or enjoy pretending to be, ignorant. A small percentage are the finest folks I've ever had the privilege to know, so it's worth it. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: CarolC Date: 02 Jul 01 - 10:35 PM Here's a couple of threads with some good jokes in them... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Benjamin Date: 03 Jul 01 - 01:43 AM Did you hear about the lead guitarist who locked his keys in his car? Had to break the window to get the drummer out. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: pavane Date: 03 Jul 01 - 04:03 AM Hear about the gay vicar? After 2 hymns, his organ went flat |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: kendall Date: 03 Jul 01 - 01:28 PM How can you tell when a banjo player is at your door? He cant find the key, and, he doesn't know when to come in. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Bill D Date: 03 Jul 01 - 01:47 PM I saw in some thread a funny post about a sign one bluegrass band would hang during it's performances: something like...
Orange Blossom Special..$10 I guess the list could be personalized.... years ago, at the National Folk Festival, The Dry Branch Fire Squad were performing..and someone requested "Fox on the Run"... "...well" said the spokesman..."I'm afraid we don't DO that one..we used to carry a list of ALL the songs we don't do, but our school bus burned down, so now, we just have a 'partial' list of the songs we don't do..such as 'Fox on the Run', 'Orange Blossom Special','Listen to the Mockingbird', 'Bringing Mary Home','The Rebel Soldier'...etc.." that was Friday...then, Sunday afternoon, at their last appearance, the spokesman stepped up and said.."Folks, we have gotten SO many requests for 'Fox on the Run', that we have decided to do it.."..(loud hisses, boos, and groans from the purist members of the audience)..."..no, it's no use," he said, "..The Dry Branch Fire Squad has sold out...we HAVE to please the masses, so we are gonna do it...ok...ready, boys?".....whereupon they all stepped up to the mic, reached into their back pockets and whipped out kazoos!! and proceeded to play the entire song..all verses and choruses- in close harmony!! The purists in the audience were rolling on the ground with tears streaming...while others sort of stared and grumbled...one of the finest moments in music I have ever experienced! (I guess it was a regular part of their routine for awhile)
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Gary T Date: 03 Jul 01 - 02:58 PM I like this one: An orchestra was putting on a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There were two bass players who had a part in the first movement, and a part in the finale', but nothing in between. They requested permission from the conductor to leave the stage during the long period of inactivity, and were granted their request. At the end of the first movement, they exited the stage, and one said to the other "let's go across the street for a minute and grab a drink." They had one, then another, and finally one says "hadn't we better get back? They'll be getting close to the end." The other says "oh, don't worry. I've tied the last two pages of the conductor's sheet music together with string." The two bassists finally returned to the auditorium, to see the conductor conducting with one hand while frantically trying to untie the string with the other. The audience were on the edge of their seats with tension. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded. __________________________ And I just recently heard this one: Q. What do banjo players do on their SAT tests? A. Drool. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Jokes From: Bill D Date: 03 Jul 01 - 11:28 PM not frailing banjo players...they are too dry to drool!.(but they do sweat!) |
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