BS: Try The No-Food Diet

Subject: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 07:51 AM

As a dietitian who sees mostly folks trying to lose weight, I'm coming to the conclusion this might be the best approach to the problem.

Bonnie RD

Try The No-Food Diet – Gene Weingarten, Toronto Star

In the last two months, I have lost 18 pounds. I have done this without exercise or amputation and without resorting to faddish diets such as the popular one in which you eat only things like Vaseline-coated pork.

It is with great pleasure that I disclose my personal weight-loss plan. If you lose weight at the rate I lost it, in less than two years you will physically disappear into the negative numbers.
So this is a good diet. Listen up:

 For breakfast, you eat a sensible meal of no food.
 Lunch consists of no food, plus a glass of water, if necessary.
 An occasional midday snack of no food is permitted.
 Dinner consists of as much food as one can possibly eat in five minutes. You would be surprised how much food that is, considering.

You'll become a dervish of activity during that allotted meal – sort of like a dog. Have you ever walked into a room to discover that your dog has stolen a large piece of food – say the family rump-roast dinner – and dragged it to the middle of the floor? And the minute you enter the room, the dog realizes the jig is up, so he attempts to devour the roast whole in the two seconds it will take you to cross the room and whack him. So the dog executes a maneuver in which he appears to be attempting to inhale the roast through a series of giant, horking gasps.

Now I know what you are thinking: "Where can I get myself a copy of the Weingarten diet book?" This is because you are a moron. I just gave you the diet. You don't need the book.

But being a diet-book consumer, you will want to go out and buy it, which is why I am on the phone right now with my doctor, Mitchell Dunn. Everyone knows diet books need testimonials from health professionals. (Dr. Dunn sees his share of weight problems, since his practice is in Washington, where the most common form of exercise is social climbing.)

I am now on the phone informing Dr. Duynn that I have lost 18 pounds since my last visit. "Very impressive," he says. "How did you do it?"
I tell him. "Whoa!" he says.
I ask him if he can give me one of those snappy four-word testimonials for my book, like "a weight-loss triumph'?
"It's a little ridiculous," he says.
Um I say, I need something else. Is it safe?
"Your biggest danger is choking," he says. "It's safe if someone is there to give you the Heimlich."
Perfect. The Weingarten Amazing No-Food Diet. "Do it with someone you love," doctor says.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: pavane
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 07:54 AM

I seem to remember a song about a Lumley Kettlewell, who had a similar theory about diet - food being unnecessary -but he wasn't daft, he tried it on his dog first.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: pavane
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 07:58 AM

Quick search of the forum turns up the Ballad of Lumley Kettlewell as a song by Graham Pratt, which has been recorded by Nick Dow on 'A Poor Man's Gift'

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: pavane
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 08:01 AM

And a link to a web page about Lumley Kettlewell. Yes, it looks like a true story.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: IanC
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 08:16 AM

He was daft, he tried it on himself next!

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: pavane
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 08:25 AM

It doesn't actually say that, does it?

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Bagpuss
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 08:27 AM

That was funny!

But isn't there some madwoman that really believes (or claims to believe to sell more books) that you can survive without food at all - it's called something like living on light. The scary thing is that some people will believe anything and that they have seriously harmed themselves trying it.

Bagpuss

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: SharonA
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 08:30 AM

Amen to that, Bagpuss.

When I read the thread title, I was reminded of the Allan Sherman song, "I'm on the Drinking Man's Diet" (no food, just alcohol... also harmful if taken seriously!).

SharonA

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: IanC
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 08:40 AM

Pavane

No, it doesn't but it's part of the widely held folk tradition about him (my wife comes from the Yorkshire Dales and it's part of her upbringing). The Graham Pratt song also says he did.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: MMario
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 09:12 AM

y'know, a year ago I might have given this a try....

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 09:28 AM

Y'mean you can't run a body on light ande water only?? Dang!! I've been had!!! I want a damn refund!

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Kim C
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 09:47 AM

Ha! Not this gal. Count me guilty, guilty, GUILTY of the sin of gluttony. Pass those sausages, will you?

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 09:50 AM

Yes, this crazy woman says she has not eaten for 7 years or so she says, unfortunately people have died trying to copy hear.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Noreen
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 11:11 AM

Love it, Bonnie!

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Hollowfox
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 01:23 PM

Has anyone else read "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett? Famine (of Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse fame) not only promoted this popular diet, he started a franchise chain of restaurants.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 02:11 PM

This diet is great, Bonnie!

I heard a story once of a logger who tried to train his horses not to eat. He had them just about trained when, for some reason, they died!

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Grab
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 04:42 PM

The bizarre cult in question is Breatharianism, IIRC. A couple of ppl have died already. The woman who started it (and who claims she doesn't eat) was called out by a TV company to test it, but the TV company insisted on having a doctor present. She did OK for several days, but got steadily more faint until the doctor called a halt to it. She then complained that she was just getting into it, and the doctor didn't understand what she was doing! :-) Total nonsense, of course. She's also been spotted in a plane tucking into the airline dinner, and I can't imagine she was doing that just for the taste experience...

Graham.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 04:59 PM

I've also seen film of the guys who leapt off barns with silly wings strapped to their arms, convinced that they could fly if they flapped hard enough.

Subject: RE: BS: Try The No-Food Diet
From: grumpy al
Date: 10 Jul 01 - 05:10 PM

Sorry the no food diet doesn't work, I know I tried it, just went all wobbly and fell over gibbering for food. However a diet that really is very sucessful is the Harry Secombe diet ( a special for us brits )this diet states that you can eat as much as you like but don't swallow.