Really Really Important Poem

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

Alas for poor Johnny,
For Johnny is no more,
For what he thought was H20
Was H2SO4

But quickly up stepped Johhny's Dad,
A Chemist, bright, was he,
He swiftly dosed his young son up
With CaCO3

I regret that I can't remember the last verse in which Jonny explodes (from generatd gas).

Regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: jeffp
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:53 PM

A green little chemist
On a green little day
Mixed some green little chemicals
In a green little way.
The green little grasses
Now tenderly wave
O'er the green little chemist's
Green little grave.

jeffp

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,frances
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 03:58 PM

shortest story in the world
two hunters, one lion
one hunter, one lion
one lion

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: paddymac
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 09:34 AM

Here's one I wrote after a few pints.

A MODEST REVENGE ON KILMER

If I should ever lucky be, I'd be a strapping, sapling tree, Where men and boys would stop to pee, And proudly say it's good for me.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 04:50 PM

Into love and out again
Thus I am and thus I go
Hold your tongue and stay your pen
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ev er sung
All the words were ever said
Could it be when I was young
Someone dropped me on my head?
(Dorothy Parker)


Shipbored

That line is the horizon lind.
The blue above it is divine.
The blue below it is marine.
Sometimes the blue below is green.
Sometimes the blue below is white
Foreshadowing a windy night.
Sometimes the blue above is grey
Foreshadowing a cloudy day.
Sometimes a drifting coconut
Or albatross add color but
The blue above is mostly blue.
The blue below and I are too.
(John Updike)


I shot an arrow into the air
I don't know how it fell or where
But strangely enough at my journey's end
I found it again in the neck of a friend.
(Mad Magazine?)


In seventeen hundred and seventy six
A group of American mavericks
Denounced the yoke of tyranny,
The tax on stamps, the tax on tea.
Our fathers felt that they were fit
To tax themselves, and you'll admit
They have done very well at it.
(some magazine read when I was about 11, c. 1960)

Bat Goddess

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 08:42 PM

THE CLAM: Esteemed by gourmets highly, it lives the life of Riley. While you're relaxing on the piazza, that's what you're as happy as a.

O Nash, again.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Firecat
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 07:30 AM

Noreen, I recognised that one about the little pig, but I know it as

Little dog
Crossing street
Motor car
Sausage meat.

I got it out of a book called Vile Victorians, by Terry Deary and illustrated by Martin Brown. It's part of the Horrible Histories series!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 02:08 AM

Little Spider the wall, You know you shouldn't be there at all.
Can't you see the wall's been plastered?
Get off the wall you dirty spider!

THE FLY
His maw is dead,
His paw is dead,
SPLAT!
Now he's dead.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: lady penelope
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 06:13 AM

Title : - Meditations of a Tortoise Dozing under a Rosetree at Noon while a Dog scampers about and a Cuckoo calls from a distant Wood.

So far as I can see
There is no one like me.

Soliloquy of a Tortoise on Revisiting the Lettuce Beds after an interval of one Hour while supposed to be sleeping in a clump of blue Hollyhocks.

One cannot have enough
Of this delicious stuff!

Night Thought of a Tortoise Suffering from Imsomnia on a Lawn.

The world is very flat
there is no doubt of that.

By Dr E.V. Rieu.

My Mother had a flit gun
It was devoid of charm
A bit of a flit shot out of it
The rest shot up her arm!

Pam Ayres

(To be read in a scottish accent )

I shot an arrow in the air
It fell te earth I know not where
But wit is mare I dinny care
For I've mare arrows up the stair!

On yonder hill there stood a coo
It must huv moved it's no there noo.

The Mad Maggonegal

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: 2feathers
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 11:45 AM

Fuzzy wuzzy wuz a bear Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair Fuzy wuzzy wuzn't fuzzy Wuz he?

Him has went Him has gone Him has left I all alone. Must I always go to he? Can't him never come to me? It can never was.

My mom used to recite:

Whose Izzy is he Is he yours or is he mine? I'm gettin' dizzy Watchin; Izzy all the time.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 03:00 PM

Hi Firecat!

Sausages made out of dog meat?! :0)

Good books, those Horrible Histories, aren't they? My son bought them all as they came out, and I've used them in school too.

Noreen

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Firecat
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 04:52 PM

You and your son have got taste Noreen, I'll say that! Which is your favoutir? Mine's Terrible Tudors or Angry Aztecs.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 01:18 AM

Algy met the bear,
And the bear met Algy.
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,genie
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 01:59 AM

Ogden was a Yank, as I recall, so why would he write "parlour"?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 08:52 PM

THE PLOVER AND THE CLOVER

The Plover and the Clover can be
    told apart with ease,
By paying close attention to the
    habits of the Bees,
For En-to-molo-gists aver, the Bee
    can be in Clover,
While Ety-molo-gists concur,
    there is no B in Plover.

    -- Robert Williams Wood

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:25 AM

Also atrrib. to McGonagle (but probably by Anon):

The cow is a forlorn beast,
There's nothing more forlorner,
Standing in a field
With a leg at every corner.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 11:33 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: lady penelope
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:56 PM

The Tay the Tay best river on earth
Goes past the ship yards every day
And up and doon te Perth
( It's always got a bed for the night
And it ai in touch wi the banks )

M. MacGonegal

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bernard
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 04:09 PM

The elephant is a pretty bird
She flits from bough to bough
She makes her nest in the Rhubarb Tree
And whistles like a cow...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 08:03 PM

First Aid in English, Bernard?!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: CarolC
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 05:17 AM

The Mennonite cars
Dance a slow ballet
From the church
To the distant countryside.

The dance snakes slowly
Quiet
Blowing white snow-silence
Into the hills.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Challis
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 10:50 AM

The Goldfish poem Does anyone know that please?

Supposed to be very very short (and pithy or some such)

Cheers and thanks,

Hille

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Deda
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 02:37 PM

As I was sitting in a chair
I knew the bottom wasn't there,
Nor legs, nor back -- but I just sat
Ignoring little things like that.

(Don't know source.)

One of Dorothy Parker's most famous:

Men never make passes
at girls who wear glasses.

Another source unknown:

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
I wonder how in the hell 'e can.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 06:43 PM

Deda said:

"One of Dorothy Parker's most famous:

"Men never make passes

"at girls who wear glasses."

But to which I think it was Ogden Nash added:

"And girls who are be-spectacled
"Don't often get their nectacled.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 11:10 PM

This has reminded me of one I knew when I was a kid, though I feel sure there is more of it than this.......Anyone know?

I saw Esau, sitting on a See-Saw,

I saw Esau, & 'e saw me...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Mudlark
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 01:13 PM

This is one my mom used to recite as she walked along

Left, left, left my wife and 14 childeren, old grey man in a peanut stand, I think I did, left, left....

Right, right, right from the (something), hayfoot, slewfoot, right, right....

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: JudeL
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

One from my childhood:

Ucky Wucky was a worm,
Ucky Wucky liked to sqwirm
got onto a railway line
didn't see the train in time
Ucky Wucky

Jude

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 02:55 PM

Mudlark, here's a related "marching" poem I learned in my youth:

LEFT,
LEFT,
LEFT my wife and forty-five children
Home in the kitchen in starving condition
With nothing but gingerbread
LEFT!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 03:09 PM

Paul I remember a song when I was small something like:

I saw Esau
Sitting on a see-saw
I saw Esau with my gal
I saw Esau
Sitting on a see-saw
I saw Esau with my gal.
When I saw Esau
He saw me
And I got so sore
That I got a saw
Oh I got a saw
And I sawed Esau
Off that old see-saw

or something like that....

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Deda
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 03:17 PM

Another version, one my Granny used: Left, left, left my wife and Fourteen children
The reason I left, I couldn't go right, right,
Right from the country O-pie-jingles, left
(back to first line)
(Amos may remember this more clearly than I do?)

It was supposed to work that you stepped on your left foot on left and right, right. I probably REALLY didn't need to explain that, duh....

And then there's this one:
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, wuzzee?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 03:53 PM

I think mice are rather nice
Their tails are long
Their faces are small
They haven't any chins at all
Their ears are pink
Their teeth are white They run about the house at night
They nibble things
They shouldn't touch
And no one seems to like them much
But I think mice
Are nice.

or

Spring is sprung
The grass has riz
I wonder where the boidies is?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 05:13 PM

Toity poiple boyds
Sittin' on d' coib
Eatin' doity woims
A-Choipin' and a-boipin'

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 05:14 PM

Thanks, Metchosin

...all I knew of that 'Marching' one was

Left,

Left,

I had a good job & I

Left...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: DMcG
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 02:11 PM

A poem that I learnt in one English lesson nearly 40 years ago and stuck immediately

Eletelophony

Once there was an Elephant that tried to use the telephant
No, No, I mean an Elephone that tried to use the telephone
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I've got it right)

Howe'er it was, it got its trunk
Entangled in the telphunk
The more it tried to get it free
The louder buzzed the telephee!
(I fear I'd better drop the song
Of Elephop and telephong)

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Chicken Charlie
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 06:39 PM

My all-time fave serious short poem is a haiku by Basho:

An old pond;
Frog leaps in--
The sound of water.

(Furuike ya; kawazu tobikomu. Mizu no ono.)

Or for the comedically inclined:

Roses are red; violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme. Mine don't.

And yet another limerick not posted to the last limerick thread--for the landsmen among us a spanker is a kind of sail and the main sheet is part of a sailing ship's rigging:

There were two old ladies named Banker
Who slept while the ship was at anchor,
But they woke in dismay
When they heard the Mate say,
"Lift up the main sheet and spanker!"

CC

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: chizzer
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 07:23 PM

One from my wife's grandma:

Once upon a time when birds shit lime and monkeys chewed tobacca, the little pigs run with their fingers up their bum to see what was the matter

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 03:34 AM

Here lies Boghead, Amang the deid, In hopes tae ha'e salvation-- ---But if sich as he in Heav'n may be, Then welcome, hail Damnation!

In seventeen hunner and twenty nine The De'il gat stuff tae mak a swine ---and coost it in a corner; Then wilily he changed his plan, An' shaped it something like a man ---an' ca'ed it Andrew Turner.

Baith frae Rab Burns---

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 04:09 AM

There was a young man from Japan
Whose meter just never would scan
When told this was so
He said yes I know
But I always try to fit as many words in the last line as I possibly can

Little Willie, Pair of skates
Hole in ice, Golden gates

Willie fell down the elevator, Wasn't found till 3 days later
Then the neighbors sniffed Gee Whiz! What a spoilt child Willie is!

God in his wisdom made the fly, and then forgot to tell us why

If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies

I had written to Aunt Maud, who was on a trip abroad
When I heard she'd died of cramp, just to late to save the stamp

I know more, but they're all a bit longer.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: cyder_drinker
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 03:49 AM

3 Bird poems that come to mind...

The common Cormorant, or Shag, Makes its nest in a paper bag. The reason for this is, no doubt, To keep the rain and lightning out. But what these unobservant birds Have failed to notice are the herds Of wandering elephants, with buns- Who steal the bags to hold the crumbs.

The sausage is a cunning bird Its feathers long and wavy It flies around the frying-pan And makes its nest in gravy.

The cuckoo's a strange bird It sits in the grass It's wings neatly folded It's beak up it's ass In this strange position It whistles Twit Twit Cos it's hard to say cuckoo With a beak full of shit

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Barbara
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 12:08 AM

She knew that he knew that her father was dead;
She knew that he knew what a life he had led.
She knew that he knew what she meant when she said,
"Go ask father."

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 01:17 AM

There is a strange bird called the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
He can store in his beak
What will last him a week
But I do not know how in the hell he can

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Ryan Overbeck
Date: 07 Nov 05 - 05:50 PM

Jonny was a chemist son
but Jonny is no more
for what he thought was H2o
was H2SO$



H2SO4
suferic acid

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: billybob
Date: 07 Nov 05 - 06:14 PM

I must go down to the sea again
to the lonely sea and the sky
I left my vest and socks there
I wonder if they are dry?

Spike Milligan again

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Nov 05 - 08:34 PM

2feathers 11 Aug 01 - 11:45 AM

Whose Izzy is he Is he yours or is he mine? I'm gettin' dizzy Watchin; Izzy all the time.

This is a song lyric: "Who's Izzy Is He." It took the whole gang of us over a year to find it in response to a request. A search for "Izzy" in threads should find comment. I don't know if the lyric we sent in has been added in the DT, but it may be there.

*****

JudeL 29 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

Ucky Wucky was a worm,…

The local version, and I believe in some of the "Girl Scout Songbooks" was:

Oo-ey Goo-ey was a worm
And a mighty worm was he
He climbed up the railroad track
The train he didn't see –

Ooooooo-eeeeey Goooo – eeeeey

(Last line with inflection only attainable by a gaggle of 13-year-old scoutlings.)

*****

For those unredeemably addicted to self-abuse of the kind thus far advanced by posts to this thread, and most particularly those whose tastes and personal inclinations incline toward "less than wholesome entertainment," I can recommend:

The Limerick edited by G. Legman, ©1964, 1969 by G. Legman, Published by Portland House, a Division of Random House Value Publishing, Inc., ISBN 0-517-20542-4.

Publisher's comment: "1700 examples, with notes, variants, and index."

The dust jacket notes: "This is the largest collection of limericks ever published, erotic or otherwise. Of the 1700 printed here, none is otherwise."

Original List Price $35.00, but my copy has a Barnes "Remainder Table" sticker showing $7.99 – date of purchase unknown.

John

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: mandotim
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 05:51 AM

How about...
When hunting the Rhinoceros
Use bullets made of platinum
'Cos if you use the leaden ones
Its hide will surely flatinum.

Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 05:56 AM

There was a man from Huddersfield
Who had a cow that wouldn´t yield
The reason why it wouldn´t yield
It didn´t like its udders feeled.

Courtesy of John Foreman.

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Dáithí Ó Geanainn
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 07:35 AM

Here's another from Pam Ayres:

I am a lickle bunny rabbit
Sitting in my 'utch,
I prefer to sit at this end,
I don't care for that end....much.

..and again from Milligan:

Romeo said to Juliet
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
Now which pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B ?

I thenk you....

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,smethwick boy
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 07:56 AM

Maverick Powells had rumbling bowels
that thundered through the night
they shook the bedrooms all around
and gave the folks a fright

Milligan

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 08:18 AM

My favourite Ogden Nash NOT already included is :-

       I Think that I will never see
       A Billboard , lovely as a tree
       In fact , unless the Billboards fall
       I'll never see a tree at all.

And having just driven about fifteen hundred miles up and down the US East coast , I know just what he meant !

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 08:19 AM

And 100 !!