BS: Groaner

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: GUEST,guest chip2447
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 01:01 AM

When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't ave the patients.
Then I wanted to be an archeologist, but I found out that an archeologist's career usually lies in ruins,
If I were a farmer I could be outstanding in my fields.
Now, I burn my end on both candles.
What's the difference between light and hard....you can sleep with the light on....

chip2447

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Justa Picker
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 09:38 PM

A bear and a rabbit find themselves side by side in the forest, both defecating at the same time. The bear asks the rabbit "So tell me. Does shit stick to YOUR fur?" Rabbit meekly answers "No." Bear grabs the the rabbit and...........(well you can figure out the rest.)

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 09:30 PM

So this blonde finally gets so sick and tired of blonde jokes that she goes to the salon and gets her hair dyed. She comes out of the salon feeling as if the weight of the world has been lifted from her shoulders, full of confidence of a new start in life.

As she's driving home through the countryside, she tops a hill and has to hit the brakes because the road before her is filled with sheep. She waits patiently till the shepherd drives the herd past her car. As the shepherd passes, she rolls down her window and says, "Excuse me, sir, if I can guess how many sheep you have, may I have one?"

"What makes you think that you can guess how many sheep I have?" he replies. "I've just gotten a new hair colour, and I'm so full of confidence that I feel I can do anything"

The shepherd agrees, so the blonde takes a quick look around and guesses "714" "Amazing!" says the shepherd. "A deal's a deal! Take your pick."

So the blonde sorts through all the sheep and picks out the cutest and cuddliest one and puts it in the car next to her. Just as she's about to drive away, the shepherd asks, "If I could guess what your original hair colour was, could I have my dog back?"

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: RangerSteve
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 07:50 PM

Grab - that reminds me: How do you get a blonde to laugh on Thursday? Tell her a joke on Monday.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Hollowfox
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 05:03 PM

A tourist got into a taxi in Boston. The man was hungry for a good fish dinner, so he asked the driver, "Do you know a good place to get scrod?" The cabbie said, "Yes, but nobody's ever asked for it in the pluperfect subjunctive before."

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: JeffM
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 04:37 PM

So you heard about the man that shot a noisy crow for just caws?

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Shields Folk
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 01:39 PM

Steve, try this one next week, An electrician was doing some work at a working mens club in Newbiggin (don't want the folk of Ashington to get a complex), he needed to turn the power of so he asked the steward "where are the mains" the steward replied "there ower theor next to the ladies"

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Grab
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 01:26 PM

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 10:10 AM

When I applied for a job as a litter collector I asked if there would be any training. They said there wasn't, I'd have to pick it up as I went along.
RtS (still spouting garbage)

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 09:25 AM

Aficionados of the Wonder Show (I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again) will recall the man who crossed a cricket with a wombat and got a cricket wom. Ah well, you can't win 'em all ...

Another old favourite:
Q: What's the diference between a banjo {accordion, bodhran, etc.] player and Manchester united?
A: Manchester United have Giggs.

Steve
(I suppose Giggs does still play for MU? I wouldn't know.)

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 09:16 AM

What is the difference between a Scotsman and a Canoe? Sometimes a canoe will tip.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: gnu
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 06:53 AM

I appreciate the help, Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 04:04 AM

What do you get if you cross a pig with a flea?
Pork scratchings.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 03:33 AM

Bill, puns don't have a fine edge, they only get worse as they get better!

BTW, Shileds Folk: I tried your "perm" joke at Bedford Folk Club last night: there was a deathly silence for about thirty seconds, and then four people burst out laughing at exactly the same time.

Here's one from the "Golden Treasury of Children's Stories" (Odhams, 1937):
Passenger (to ship's Irish cook): "Excuse me, are you the mate?"
Cook: "No, but I'm the b'y that cooks the mate!"

You have thirty seconds ...

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 11:06 PM

forgive me, gnu....but a delicate revision to: " He asked for her honour. She honoured his offer. After that, it was honour offer, honour offer... "

"She offered her honor, he honored her offer...and all night long it was honor and offer."

I seem to have this deep need to tweak jokes, puns, limericks, etc., to the finest possible edge...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: kendall
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 09:23 PM

I crossed a canary with an alligator...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Margo
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 05:28 PM

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted...... :o)

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: JeffM
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 03:40 PM

What do you get when you throw a handgranade into a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: JeffM
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 03:38 PM

My wife left me for a tractor salesman. She sent me a John Deere letter.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Gareth
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM

A Welshman decides to visit Dublin for the week end.
Gets of the ferry, decides to have a drink
Enters the first pub he comes to.
Great disapointment, Bad beer, short measure, lousey music, no food, humourless bar staff.
He drinks up and goes to leave, as he leaves he remarks to the bar man
"Well wheres all this Dublin Crack and Good humour and the music ?"
The Barman replies, "Ah! din'd you see the sign Sir, this is an English theme pub."

Boom, Boom !

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: gnu
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

Big Mick... kendall (re Irishman)... LOL.

He asked for her honour. She honoured his offer. After that, it was honour offer, honour offer...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: kendall
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 08:05 PM

Utah Phillips said, "It was so cold, I saw a chicken walking down the street with a capon."

I got it Sinsull.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Justa Picker
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 06:19 PM

Guy passes a restaurant in Cape Cod where he notices a sign in the window stating LOBSTER TAILS - 50 cents ea.

In he goes, sits down at a booth, waitress comes over, and excitedly he chirps "Do you really have lobster tails for 50 cents?" Non chalantly she says "Yes, that's right". He says "I'd like some".

So she starts.."These 2 lobsters were walking down the street and one turned to the other ....."[etc.etc.]

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Amos
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 06:07 PM

Ambrose Bierce:

BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 12:20 PM

Two pieces of string are walking past a bar "Lets go in for a drink" says the first string "We cant, they dont serve string in this bar" I will diguise my self" The first string winds himself ito a tight ball and takes the fibers fom his top end and pulls them apart in wild an unruly manner, walks in and asks for a drink. " You are a string are'nt you?" " No I'm a frayed knot"

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Amos
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 11:38 AM

> > A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her > > life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was > > about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her > > tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. > > > > > > >He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. > > > I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away > > > on my ship. > > > I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving > > > closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep > > > you happy, and you'll keep me happy." > > > > > > > The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a > > > fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the > > > sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every > > > night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they > > > made passionate love until dawn. > > > > > > > Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by > > > the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an > > > arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and > > > a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." > > > > > > > > > > > "He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: RangerSteve
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 10:07 AM

Two gay men are sitting on the beach, when a beautiful blond woman in a string bikini walks by. One guy says to the other "it's times like this, I wish I was a lesbian".

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 09:40 AM

I have come to seize her berry not to praise it...you had to be there.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 08:40 AM

A seal walked into a club...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 08:29 AM

A termite walked into a bar and said "Is the bar tender here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 08:17 AM

An Irishman, a Jew and a Gorilla walk into a bar. The Bartender says "is this some kind of joke?"

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: kendall
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 07:47 AM

An Irish man walked out of a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Philibuster
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 07:22 AM

"Do you smell Brocoli?"
"Sorry."

You had to be there...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Naemanson
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 06:31 AM

An Ode To The Relationship Of The Lowly Flea To The Noble Race Of Man Concerning the Antiquity Of Said Relationship.

Adam
Had 'em

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Shields Folk
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 06:21 AM

A bloke walks into a hairdresser in Ashington (Northumberland). He asks the hairdresser 'Can I have a Perm please'. The hairdresser replies 'As I wandered lonely as a cloud...'

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: pavane
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 04:35 AM

The shortest joke I know (when said, not written!) (in Bass voice) Help Help (falsetto) Sharks

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: pavane
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 04:33 AM

Hear about the newly married couple who couldn't stay awake for a second?

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 03:31 AM

A horse goes into a bar and orders a drink.
"Cheer up," says the barman, "it might never happen!"
"Cheer up?" replies the horse, "I'm a horse, mate; I've got no worries!"
"So why the long face?"

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 02:55 AM

Man walked into a bar: Ouch!! It was an iron bar

Eye thenk yew.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: bobbi
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:44 AM

Two condoms are walking down Geary Street in San Francisco when they pass a gay bar.. One condom says to the other.. "Wanna go in and get shit faced?"

GROAN!

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:18 AM

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.
So the barman gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Amos
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:11 AM

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus. "What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours." "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinnes up the stairs" he shouted. "Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down "I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Big Mick
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 12:37 AM

How do you get a bodhran player out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 12:07 AM

Hickory Dickory dock,
Two mice ran up the clock

The clock struck one...the other ducked...

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:54 PM

A skeleton walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a pint of Guinness and a mop."

All the best.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: RangerSteve
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:37 PM

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says" Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Subject: RE: BS: Groaner
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:55 PM

The appropriate applause for a pun is a groan.

DAve Oesterreich

Subject: Groaner
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:04 AM

What did one canibal say to the other canibal after eating the clown?

"Did that taste funny to you?"