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More Humor Us
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Subject: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 07 Sep 01 - 09:53 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'
Click here for the original BS: Humor Us and BS: Humor Us, Chapter II . --JoeClone, 9-Sep-01. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Troll Date: 07 Sep 01 - 10:04 PM window pane-the anguish felt over the tax on winnings impregnable-on the pill humpty dumpty-one who gets his jollies from tripping camels microsoft-troll in a flacid state(sigh) troll
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Little Neophyte Date: 07 Sep 01 - 10:05 PM Oy, I'm definitely an Oyster, wouldn't you say? Little Neo |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Troll Date: 07 Sep 01 - 10:05 PM I was gonna say 'Spaw but I don't know for sure so... troll |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 07 Sep 01 - 10:28 PM I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not. |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 07 Sep 01 - 10:33 PM All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a fulldeck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Fighter Pilots." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President, or Mr. Congressman." |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Ebbie Date: 07 Sep 01 - 10:54 PM Amos, that's too, too funny! It explains so much. LOL Ebbie |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Mad Maudlin Date: 08 Sep 01 - 02:47 AM Absolutely. I should know better than drink my morning tea while visiting Mudcat - nearly sprayed it...;-) Mad Maudlin, who has just picked herself off the floor |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 09 Sep 01 - 01:40 PM Then there was the guy who was half [insert ethnic minority here] and half Italian. He made himself an offer he couldn't understand!! |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: GUEST,Calico Date: 10 Sep 01 - 03:41 AM Definition: Cat•as•trophe -- An award won by the feline with the best buns. |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 10 Sep 01 - 05:06 PM Definition of a ball-race. A Tom Cat being chased by a Vet. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: GUEST,Raggytash Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:06 PM Like the basis of the thread. However English being the wonderful varied language that it is does not benefit from being bastardised by incorrect spelling. Humor, is spelt HUMOUR, color is correcty spelt COLOUR. If you can't be bothered to learn the language try F*****G Chinese. Apologys to the more sensitive amongst you, but some of us on this side of the pond take objection to your abuse of our native tongue. Live long & die Happy Raggy |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:08 PM Damn - I must rset my spell check to UK english !!! Gareth |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:12 PM Well, Raggy, maybe if you-all over theah hadn't been so sloppy with our native rights, we wouldn't have walked on yore native tongue. That said, I think the vast majority of Brits, Aussies, Kiwis, Americans, Scots and Irish have sort of accepted the notion that there is a vibrant, colorful, energetic branch of English called American, and its idiosyncracies are part of its magic. This Victorian love-affair with authoritarian prescription of latinate forms and extra vowels in rigid little lines kind of went out of fashion about a century ago, as these folks see it, and they have made their peace with it. Why doncha join 'em?? A. |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Snuffy Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:19 PM Az a troo Brit, ime afrayed I hav to aggree wiv yew, Amos. Thairs two much atenshun payed too siley speling rools. if yew wanna spel hoomer as humor, then go ahead and doo it. Wassail! V |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:25 PM I found a great site the other day it's about things said in criminal court eg
barrister "And what happened next?" |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: GUEST,Raagytash Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:29 PM I think your last sentence explains with superb, bloomimg, rosy, brilliant, shining, beaming, splendid, resplendent, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, sublime, and grand clarity, lucidity, perspicacity not withholding intelligibilty the exact reason why I do not appreciate the "Americanisation" of my superb language. English has begged, stolen and borrowed from almost eevry language on the globe to produce the most eloquent form of communication. To have it reduced to expression such as "doncha" would make the literary giants rotate at great speed one fathom below. I like this thread, nothing like a good argument to stimulate the grey cells ............time to put the thinking cap on! May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Jim Dixon Date: 10 Sep 01 - 07:48 PM Raagytash! I didn't know the plural of "apology" was spelt "apologys" in the Queen's English! I sincerely apologise for my ignorance! (Or is that "apologyse"?) |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: RangerSteve Date: 10 Sep 01 - 08:59 PM So we dropped a lousy U from words like Color, Honor, flavor, etc. Big deal. Atte onne tyme, ther woz no standarde for spellynge in eithr countrye. Reede somme historye bokes that inclode reprintes of lettres writtenne by supposedlie literitte peopol. I've heard plenty of British people speak, and there are darned few who speak what they call "the Queen's English." |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Ebbie Date: 10 Sep 01 - 10:00 PM Raggytash, is 'humour' pronounced 'humm ower'? Ebbie |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Paul from Hull Date: 10 Sep 01 - 10:14 PM Potato - Potato, Tomato - Tomato... Lets call the whole thing off.... |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 10 Sep 01 - 10:56 PM See, m'dear, although I am quite capable of saying, "May I suggest you borrow a leaf from their manuscript?", or "Why not emulate their example, fair ladye?", I appreciate the richness of the language as much as you do, and I include in that inventory the slangy but quite realistic words that are disdained by propriety, such as "ain't" and "doncha". These contractions, improper as they are, reflect the earthy, energetic grassroots of people who have striven against significant odds to define their own lives, nourish their own thoughts, defend their own point of view, and have done so, often, without the benefits of formal education. They are zesty, randy, light-living and life-loving furnaces of creative, rebellious, independent, irreverent and humorous thought and I cherish them and their style as much as I do Aquinas, Shaw, Rimbaud, Rilke, Woody Guthrie and Mark Twain. The latter, by the way, is the one who said that the difference between the RIGHT word and the almost right is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug. And sometimes "doncha" is the right word, by Yiminy!! Regards, Amos |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Biskit Date: 11 Sep 01 - 09:14 PM Ditto! jus' what ol' Amos said! ~Biskit~ |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 Sep 01 - 10:20 PM GUEST Raggytash, you are labo(u)ring under a misconception. The language in which many of us here write, and of which you complain, is NOT English. It's American. American is pretty close to English, but not exactly the same. H. L. Mencken, the "Sage of Baltimore", in his seminal work, _The American Language_, made this case beyond peradventure of a doubt (IMNSHO) way back in the late 20s, I believe. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: wildlone Date: 12 Sep 01 - 12:37 PM In a lot of American words the spelling was taken over in the 17th century and has not changed it is us who changed the spelling with the "Kings English" |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 12 Sep 01 - 03:09 PM As Churchill said " We are a common people seperated by a common tongue" Gareth |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: GUEST,Fiddlergirl Date: 12 Sep 01 - 08:21 PM Well up here in Canada we say colour AND doncha, humour AND ain't! The perfect mix... |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Date: 12 Sep 01 - 08:30 PM Stop arguing and tell some jokes.john |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Sep 01 - 09:24 PM EMPATHY CLASS A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Troll Date: 13 Sep 01 - 12:06 AM THE PHOTOGRAHER A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low-level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" troll |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: GUEST,Souter Date: 13 Sep 01 - 02:01 AM This is supposed to be a true story. A man was on trial for armed robbery. His lawyer doesn't know how to do his job, so the guy fired him and represented himself. And he's good at it, too. Until the store clerk gets up on stand. When the clerk identifies him as the man who robbed his store, he stands up and yells "that's a lie! I never saw him before in my life" Then, sitting down "Man, I should of killed you when I had the chance...I mean IF I had the chance, IF" He was convicted in 15 minutes. |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Sep 01 - 09:27 AM A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 19 Sep 01 - 10:56 PM Signs Found In Kitchens ------------------------ 1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it! 2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! 4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust! 5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! 6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day! 7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. 14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it! 15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse. 16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. 17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. 25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never! 26. Dull women have immaculate houses.
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 19 Sep 01 - 10:58 PM NEW YORK, N.Y. - The BP Group announced today that it will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has. BP stock soared more than 12 points on the news. The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said BP spokesperson Michael Armstrong. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees. From there, said Armstrong, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion. "We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added. BP plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-BP employees who presently work for other companies. "We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Armstrong. Among firms BP has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are SAIC, Getronics, and MCI Worldcom. BP's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said Armstrong, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to BP, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements. "We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said Armstrong. Legally, pink slips sent out by BP would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate. "This is ridiculous. I don't work for BP. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a support technician with Getronics in Houston. Reactions like that, replied Armstrong, "are not very sporting." Inspiration for BP's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, BP said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave BP in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," Armstrong said. Analysts credited Armstrong's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing BP share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty. "It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, BP may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty. Armstrong, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Troll Date: 19 Sep 01 - 11:23 PM That's what happens when you let the MBA's run things. troll |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 20 Sep 01 - 12:09 AM Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one... a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No....he minded his own fucking business." Seamus |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: tremodt Date: 20 Sep 01 - 06:55 PM a man wakes up with a hangover and he puts on his robe he reaches into his left pocket and pulls out a braseereand say i wonder wher i was last nite he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a pair of panties and says wow i must have had a good time he goes into the bathroom and looks in the mirrow and there is a little string hanging out of his mouth and he says if there is a god in heaven please let this be a teabag |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Snuffy Date: 20 Sep 01 - 07:22 PM Whats a mirrow? Do you mean a meer? |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Amos Date: 21 Sep 01 - 07:32 PM A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass,and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Sep 01 - 05:07 PM During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Justa Picker Date: 23 Sep 01 - 12:05 PM A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes totally quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 lb and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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Subject: RE: More Humor Us From: Dead Horse Date: 23 Sep 01 - 12:39 PM Next time you are out with a male colleague, and being male yourself (won't work for wimmen, sorry), just ask him if he's ever had sex with an elephant. Then say "It doesn't half make your arse sore! |
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