BS: humour

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Dead Horse
Date: 21 Sep 01 - 09:32 PM

"It's longer because there are more geese on that side." Nah! It's because the one in the middle don't know the way.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Sep 01 - 08:59 AM

A teabag! LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 21 Sep 01 - 08:17 AM

Thanks Troll,
I always thought it was longer 'cos there were fewer geese on the other side! :o)

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Troll
Date: 20 Sep 01 - 10:43 PM

Why did the possum cross the road?
To show the chicken that it could be done.

Have you ever seen a flight of geese, in a "V" formation, flying South for the winter?
If you will think back and try to visualize that sight in your mind, you will recall that one side of the "V" was longer than the other.
Have you got the picture now? One side IS longer, isn't it?
Do you know why it's longer?
It's longer because there are more geese on that side.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: heric
Date: 20 Sep 01 - 07:21 PM

. . . Monica kneeling in front of Ken Starr, who is tied with his arms up, and Bill says, there is some poetic justice, I suppose, in this as my punishment, I'll take this room, and the Devil said "Okay Monica, get up and come with me, you're being replaced."

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: tremodt
Date: 20 Sep 01 - 06:53 PM

a man wakes up with a hangover and he puts on his robe he reaches into his left pocket and pulls out a braseereand say i wonder wher i was last nite he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a pair of panties and says wow i must have had a good time he goes into the bathroom and looks in the mirrow and there is a little string hanging out of his mouth and he says if there is a god in heaven please let this be a teabag

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: GUEST,Lanfranc at the orifice
Date: 19 Sep 01 - 06:20 AM

Five major insurance companies are contemplating a merger. As is usual, the PR people have decided that it is essential that a new logo be created to "brand" the new conglomerate.

The design was sub-contracted to numerous graphic designers, and, in due time, the PR department received back a variety of designs. There were the usual insurance company cliches, golden discs, castles, chainmail gauntlets, plus the inevitable undecipherable squiggles. One design, however, stood out. It was a shield, quartered, with a circle in the centre. In each quarter was a representation of a man and woman making love, on the centre circle, a baby.

They knew that they could never use the design, but called the designer in to explain his creation.

"It's very simple," he said, "The man at top left is making love to his wife, that's Legal & General. The man at top right is making love to his mistress, that's Mutual Trust. The man bottom left is making love to a prostitute, that's Commercial Union, and the man bottom right is making love to his secretary, that's Employer's Liability. Oh, and the baby in the middle? General Accident, of course!"

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 19 Sep 01 - 05:59 AM

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there were no chickens in those days.

Why did the hedge-hog cross the road?
To see his flat mate.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: CharlieA
Date: 19 Sep 01 - 04:58 AM

What do you have if you have one big green ball in one hand and another big green ball in the other....................................

Total control of the Jolly Green Giant!

Cxxx

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: GUEST,Souter
Date: 19 Sep 01 - 02:47 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To go back home

Why did the chicken cross the road
He didn't. He got hit by a truck halfway across

Why did the flamingo cross the road
Well, after the incident with the truck, the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 09:20 PM

Tourists in Texas ask:

Why did the armadillo cross the road?

Any knowledgeable Texan will tell you the question is invalid as stated. There is no evidence indicating that an armadillo ever made it across the road.

As to the possibly valid:

Why did the armadillo TRY to cross the road?

Nobody knows.

John

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 05:19 PM

What's the difference between a large pizza and a percussionist?

A lagre pizza can feed a family of four!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Gareth
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 04:52 PM

OooooH ! Those were realley fowl jokes.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 03:51 PM

Why did the movie-mad chicken cross the road?
to see Gregory Peck

I thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: weepiper
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 03:34 PM

I wish I'd thought of these but I got forwarded them...
Why did the chicken cross the road?

We finally have answers...

Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Ronald Reagan
What chicken?

Ken Starr
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken: "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: heric
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 01:15 PM

Beef Strokinoff!! HA!

(I had to tell it in two parts because the question is funnier than the answer)

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 01:03 PM

A man and his wife, both 60, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They were visisted by the Wedding Anniversary Fairy Godmother. She asked the wife what she would like for their anniversary and the wife replied that , "I would like tickets for us to travel around the world." Poof! The wife had tickets and travel arrangements in her hand. The W.A.F.G. asked the husband what he would like for his anniversary. "Well, I would like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." Poof! He was now 90 years old!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Clifton53
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 12:37 PM

A swashbuckler strolls into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but notice the small helms wheel attached to his crotch.

" Excuse me there Long John, but what's with the wheel"?

" AAARRRRGGGHHHH me bucko, 'tis in case I find a wench what wants 'ta drive me nuts".

Clifton

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Sep 01 - 11:42 AM

And the answer is.......??

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: GUEST, I, hurricane
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 09:06 PM

Cows: (okay bulls, then for sticklers):

What do you call a cow masturbating in the kitchen?

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: SharonA
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 07:40 PM

Non-sheep humor:

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: GUEST,frankie
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 07:18 PM

More sheep humor:

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Gareth
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 07:06 PM

Then there was this English Tourist touring Wales by car, and he's lost.

And he see's this old man sitting on a bench.

"I say, Taffy, which way is it to LLanfair Caeredigien ?"

"'Ere," says the old man, "How did you know my name was Taffy ?"

"I Guessed, I Guessed !" Said the Tourist.

"Well guess the way to Bl***y LLanfair Caeredigien !"

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Troll
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 04:32 PM

And we should remember also that great Irish explorer; Mark O'Polo.

Q. What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and sticky?

A. A stick of chewing gum.

Q. What part of the humen body can expand to ten times it's normal size when stimulated?

Wait for it...

wait...

A. The pupil of the eye.
If you thought it was something else, you are in for a terrible disappointment.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Gareth
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 03:47 PM

And on the subject of Sheep - a traditional round from the Romney Marsh.

To the Tune of London Bridge

"Oh hand me down me welly boots,
welly boots, welly boots,BR> Oh hand me down me welly boots,
I've just caught one."

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: kendall
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 03:41 PM

Why is a banjo solo like premature ejaculation?

You can feel it coming on, but, ther's not a damn thing you can do to stop it/

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 03:30 PM

This came to me from Kendall:
The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of ! the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 03:15 PM

Back in the last century, a young girl was being courted. As was the custom, the boy asked her to go for a ride in his buggy. It was winter, and the girl had recently lost her gloves. So, before she left home, her mother told her, "If your hands get cold, just put them between your legs. That's the warmest part of your body."

As it happened, the boy had lost his gloves, too. After a mile or so of keeping his hands on the reins, he said, "Boy, are my hands cold!"

The girl said, "Why don't you put your hands between my legs? My mother said that's the warmest part of my body."

The boy does so, and soon his hands are comfortably warm. Then he has an idea. He says, "Boy, is my penis cold!" (You can guess the result . . .)

Later, at home, the girl asks her mother, "Mama, what do you know about penises?"

Mama, quite shocked, says, "Well, why don't you first tell me what YOU know about penises?"

The girl thinks a bit and says, "Well, when they're frozen stiff, they're really kind of nice. But when they thaw out, they sure make a mess!"

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: selby
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 02:55 PM

Q Whats irish and stays out in the garden.

A Patio Furniture Keith

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 02:22 PM

Those cartoons must be good, my work browser is blocking them!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: GUEST,Den
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 02:02 PM

A Husband and Wife who are political analysts with opposing political beliefs have a blazing row in bed. The arguement is fierce to the point that they turn they're backs on each other and lie in silence for a while. After a time the wife, wishing to break the ice turns to her husband and whispers coyly, "there's been a split in my party and if your member stood now he could get in." The husband replies without turning round, " you're too late he already stood as an independant and lost his deposit." Den

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 12:57 PM

TALMUDIC TRUTH

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: BlueJay
Date: 17 Sep 01 - 03:17 AM

I think I like this thread more than the ones dealing with terrorism. Thanks to you all. Lots of great stuff here. BlueJay

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Sep 01 - 02:01 PM

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing: She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow, I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

"No, she's not", he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman."

"A battery salesman?" cried the wife.

(Here it comes,)

"Yes" he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore."

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: selby
Date: 16 Sep 01 - 01:36 PM

Thanks to all our contributors keep em coming Keith

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 16 Sep 01 - 01:33 PM

Some cartoons:

The worst job in the world?

The female brain.

The male brain.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: GUEST,ro1sin
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 10:20 PM

why is a bodrhan player like a foot massage

a foot massage bucks up the feet

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 03:04 PM

MEMORANDUM

From: The penis.
Subject: Raise Request
I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I am always using my head first.
I do not get sick days, weekends off, or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

RESPONSE FROM HUMAN RESOURCES:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration REJECTS your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas.
You take a lot of breaks.
You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
You don't like working double shifts.
You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 02:57 PM

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

The woman said, "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any painkillers because I'm in a big hurry. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Amos
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 02:42 PM

LOL! Thanks!!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 02:36 PM

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders says. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 06:59 AM

Thanks for the gift of laughter.

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Troll
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 03:35 AM

Useful phrases

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

And which dwarf are you?

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

This is a mean, cruel world and I want my nappy and medication right now!

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

TTFN

troll

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Sep 01 - 03:17 AM

Hooting with laughter here....!! thank you!

LTS

He's a real action man - flock hair, realistic scar, no genitals!

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Troll
Date: 14 Sep 01 - 10:28 PM

Line Dancing: What happens when cousins breed.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Sep 01 - 09:44 PM

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table when a very attractive blonde arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped off her clothes, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Mamma needs new clothes!"

A second later, she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down, hugged each of the dealers, gathered up all the money, grabbed her clothes, and left. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them said, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Clifton53
Date: 14 Sep 01 - 08:27 PM

Something I saw on a sign recently,

" If you say something in the woods, and your wife is not there to hear it, are you still wrong"?

Clifton

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 14 Sep 01 - 08:09 PM

*GRINS*

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: Shields Folk
Date: 14 Sep 01 - 08:03 PM

Shakespeare walks into a pub and the barman says, "Get out your Bard"

Subject: RE: BS: humour
From: heric
Date: 14 Sep 01 - 07:57 PM

The results of my IQ test came back negative.