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BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Sibelius Date: 27 Oct 02 - 06:59 AM To Bob (Bolton) - now you come to mention it, I have a feeling it was Martyn Wyndham Read I heard it from, at Whitby in 2001. Mr WR, if you read these things, own up! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Gurney Date: 26 Oct 02 - 09:22 PM Ballpeinhammer... and one of the books wasn't even coloured in yet.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Stewie Date: 26 Oct 02 - 09:11 PM Graffiti in a Darwin pub toilet in the 1970s: What did Cyclone Tracy say to the coconut tree? Hang on to your nuts, baby, this ain't no ordinary blow job. --Stewie. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Helen Date: 26 Oct 02 - 08:46 PM Bob, The earthquake was just an excuse, really, because the head honcho from the TAFE had been trying to get us out of there for years before that. Everyone knew it had never been the safest place for public access anyway, but we loved it. It's never quite been the same since then, IMHO. Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST,forty two Date: 26 Oct 02 - 07:36 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: ballpienhammer Date: 26 Oct 02 - 07:31 AM I read in the papers that the University of Melbourne burned to the ground yesterday. BOTH books were destroyed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Bob Bolton Date: 25 Oct 02 - 11:17 PM G'day Helen, "Ousted" - I seem to remember the reason as being structural worries after the (28 December 1989 ... ?) earthquake. This also led to the excellent Newcastle Folk Festival, based at McTighes Hill TAFE moving up the Hunter Valley - initially to Morpeth, then Wollombi - and becoming something else! Regards, Bob Bolton |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Helen Date: 25 Oct 02 - 08:25 PM Mr Red - Newcastle, NSW. By "old" local folk club, I meant the Dungeon at the local TAFE (for the enlightenment of you foreign types, that is the state adult/vocational education college) which we were unfortunately ousted from a decade or so ago. It currently operates from the Wesley Church Hall at Hamilton - graffiti-less! Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Dave Bryant Date: 25 Oct 02 - 10:38 AM A Scotsman, a Kiwi, and an Ozzie were out walking one day when they found an old bottle. They all grabbed at it and out came the cork which released a genie who told them that they could have one wish each. The Scotsman said that he'd been a deep-sea fisherman and asked for the seas around Scotland to be full of fish again so that there'd be a living for himself and his son. The Genie snapped his fingers and granted his wish. The Ozzie said that he was tired of foreign interference in his country's affairs and asked for a wall around Australia about 200 miles offshore to keep Poms and others out. Again the wish was granted. The genie then asked the kiwi what he wanted. "How high is the wall around Australia ?", he asked. "Right up to the top of the atmospere" said the genie. "Can anything get through it ?" he queried. "No", answered the genie. "Fill it up with water then", requested the Kiwi. An Ozzie lorry driver picked up a pretty girl hitch-hiker. After driving for an hour or so, he pulled over and asked her if she'd like to have sex with him. "No way !" she answered. "In that case, d'yer mind lying down while I have sex with you ?", he asked. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: HuwG Date: 25 Oct 02 - 10:06 AM A variation on one of Bob Bolton's: A Texan cattle rancher visits Australia to see for himself the way they do it, and is not impressed. He starts bragging to a Station Manager. "How big is this place?" "Dunno, about a couple of thousand square miles, I reckon." "Well, my spread in Texas is at least twice that. How many head of cattle do you have?" "Can't say, I don't bother counting them all. Mebbe twenty thousand." "My herd in Texas is at least twice that. I tell you boy, everything in Texas is twice as big as it is here" At this point a kangaroo bounds past "What the!?", shouts the Texan. "What in the name of Jesus H. Christ and General Patton was that?" "That?", says the Australian. "That's a rabbit, mate. They can get to be quite a big pest round here. Don't you get rabbits in Texas?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST Date: 25 Oct 02 - 09:28 AM What do Tasmanians and yeast have in common? They're both in bread (it doesn't really work as a written joke) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland Date: 25 Oct 02 - 09:03 AM What's the differance between an Australian Wedding and a Australian Funeral? Once less drunk |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Pied Piper Date: 25 Oct 02 - 07:59 AM I heard a simillar expresion from some Canadians once. Whale oil beef hooked. PP |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Mr Red Date: 25 Oct 02 - 07:52 AM Helen - which Folk Club was that? Seen on a wall in Wellington (Hataitai bus route) "When the Atom drums bop - we'll all beef hooked" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Pied Piper Date: 25 Oct 02 - 07:42 AM If you get heckled, try this. "Where were the Dingos when you were born." All the best PP |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Helen Date: 25 Oct 02 - 01:33 AM You sure you're not an Aussie in disguise, 'Spaw? You certainly know the truth about us. Reminds me of a piece of graffiti on our old local folk club wall: "Would the last person leaving New Zealand please turn out the lights." Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: InOBU Date: 23 Oct 02 - 08:39 AM How about... "How many Aussies does it take to fling a wize ass Folksinger from the stage, through the doors of the pub?" ... Larry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Mr Red Date: 23 Oct 02 - 08:21 AM Spaw - LOL's But I don't think, as convincing as it is, that the story is true. But you almost got me believing it. **BG** |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Bob Bolton Date: 22 Oct 02 - 11:59 PM G'day Sibelius, I seem to remember Martyn Wyndham-Read telling that one ... as an alleged personal experience from his stint out here, as a young bloke, in the '60s! Regard(les)s, Bob Bolton |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Sibelius Date: 22 Oct 02 - 02:37 PM Downshifting pom buys a small-holding out in the sticks in Western Australia, to find himself and some peace and quiet. He's been there a week or two and is just getting settled in when he gets a phone call. "I'm yer new neighbour" says the caller. "I didn't know I had any neighbours" says the pom. "I'm 150 k's up the road, but never mind, wondered if yer'd like to come to a barbie tomorrow night, welcome yer in?" Pom thinks about it. "What kind of do is it?" "Oh, well there'll be some drinking and eating and dancing and fighting, then some more dancing and eating and drinking and fighting, then we'll have a drinks break, then probably some more eating and dancing and drinking and fighting." Pom's a bit nervous about this, but thinks, what the hell. "Okay, I'll come over. What should I wear?" "Don't bloody mind mate, there'll only be the two of us." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: catspaw49 Date: 22 Oct 02 - 01:56 PM AND NOW FOR A COMPLETELY NON POLITICALLY CORRECT AUSSIE JOKE: An Aussie, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun, shoots the glass to pieces and says, "In Seth Efricka (South Africa), our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice". The Kiwi obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots his glass to pieces and says, "Well mate, in UnZud (EnZed - New Zealand) we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either". The Australian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots both the South African and the New Zealander and says, "In Australia we have so many f**king South Africans and New Zealanders that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice." Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST,The Fantum Date: 22 Oct 02 - 12:07 PM Its not true about aussies being thick They had an IQ test for every male in Australia and the winner scored 37 unfortunately the result was invalidated when they couldnt find the Koala bear for a retest. There is also the one about the strange aussie man who liked women more than beer Definetly more than enough Good luck with your gig Fantum |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Midchuck Date: 22 Oct 02 - 11:40 AM ...and if you get really desperate...go here. Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: HuwG Date: 22 Oct 02 - 09:17 AM Semi-true, actually ... An Australian goes into work each morning and greets the boss, "G'day, Ted!". The boss is puzzled, as his name isn't Ted, but says nothing. After a few years, the Australian leaves the company. At the farewell bash, the boss's curiosity finally get the better of him. He asks, "Why do you keep calling me Ted ? You know that's not my name". The Australian replies, "It's an abbreviation, sport". "Oh, I see. An abbreviation for what, by the way ?" "Shitehead". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Bob Bolton Date: 01 Nov 01 - 09:05 PM G'day Kathryn, Here are a few more Australian 'jokes' … they may not fit in with your gig, but they struck me as being good illuminants of the Australian psyche. One old chestnut: An Australian station owner was travelling back up bush, by train, and found himself in a compartment with a Yank – who turned out to be a Texan rancher. The Texan started telling him how big his ranch was. (BTW: A 1950s list gives the 5 largest Australian cattle stations as 11,262, 5494, 5119, 5042 and 4730 square miles respectively.) He remarked; "Why, back home on my ranch, I can get on my horse and ride all day before I come to a fence!" The station owner replied; "Yeah … I had a horse like that once." Another that I feel reflects some basic Australian value: An old swaggie was walking along a dusty bush road in the blazing midday heat. He hears a horse-drawn vehicle coming up the road behind him … then a nice tidy gig, driven by a local squatter, stops beside him and the squatter calls out; "G'day old bloke, hop up here and I'll give you a lift!". The swaggie looks the squatter and his flash clothes up and down … looks down the road, with its miles of dust and endless cattle gates … and turns back to the squatter and says; "No thanks. You can open your own bloody gates!" [You need to know that typical second class country roads used have cattle gates at every station boundary … or paddock boundary when the road ran through large properties … just dividing sections of the stock route that ran by the road. These have largely been replaced by cattle grids – boxed areas topped with rails, spaced so that the feet of stock slip down between the rails and stop them crossing, but allowing rubber-tyred vehicles to pass over easily. This now saves the constant chore of opening the gate, waiting while the vehicle passes through and then closing the gate behind it (usually assigned to the youngest kid travelling in the car – as I remember well!)] One more from the dry country (where it may not rain for years … and stations depend on artesian water for their existence … and some kids go to school before they have ever seen rain!): It hadn't rained for years on this western sheep station … but finally the heavens opened and one of the stationhands whooped with joy and ran out into the rain. The boss yelled at him; "Come back in here, out the rain you damned fool!". The stationhand called back; "Don't worry boss, I'm not worried about getting wet." The boss yelled back; "Come back here … I'm don't give a damn about you, but you're keeping the rain off the bloody ground!" I hope these fit in with the Aussie songs in your gig. Regards, Bob Bolton |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Mr Red Date: 31 Oct 01 - 07:01 PM A colleague picked-up the phone and after a word or two said to another colleague "It's a call from Oz, the wizard sys your brain's ready!" Then there is always the yoghurt/Oz difference joke (something about a living culture) If there are any NZ catters reading I'm sure we could see some fair bonza quips. NZ is where I heard the $4 Oz haircut one (a buck a corner - mate) spotyer |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST,mooman (cookieless) Date: 31 Oct 01 - 06:10 AM I also like the old Paul Hogan one from the London Underground. Japanese tourist: "Excuse me...do you know the way to Cockfosters?" Australian (looking a little perplexed): "Sure mate...serve it warm!" mooman |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST,mooman (cookieless) Date: 31 Oct 01 - 06:03 AM Probably a bit rude but here goes...! A small plane circles round in the outback and lands near a coolibah tree where two herders are sheltering from the relentless sun. A man emerges from the plane and one of the locals walks across to meet him. "G'day mate" says the local "How can we help you?" "Well actually my dear fellow, I'm looking for a kangaroo!" says the visitor. "Well what'd you be wanting with a 'roo?" asks the local. "Well my good man! I'm actually a taxidermist from London and I'd like to catch one to stuff!" "Oh in that case..." says the herder "...there's a whole bunch of them about half a mile in that direction" pointing. "Thank you very much indeed Sir" says the vistor and sets off promptly in the indicated direction. The local returns to his mate under the tree. "What did he want? enquires the other. "Oh...just some Pommie taxi driver from London...but it's OK...he's one of us!" mooman |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST,Redclaw Date: 30 Oct 01 - 10:29 PM An English tourist got himself a job working with a fence building contractor in the outback. After a few weeks of working with just one other man, he asked the boss " What is a bloke supposed to do about sex out in this god-forsaken place?" The boss replied "Well, the kangaroos aren't bad, mate". "How in the hell does one do it with a kangaroo?' asked the Pommie. "Right, we'll catch one and I'll show you" said the boss. So they caught a kangaroo, and as they struggled to hold it down the boss looked carefully all around the horizon. "What are you looking for?" asked tha Pommie. "I gotta be careful" said the boss,"I'm going steady with an emu." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: alison Date: 30 Oct 01 - 06:51 PM lol |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: GUEST,AussiChik Date: 30 Oct 01 - 04:54 PM If it's smut you want... What's the difference between a pub and a clitoris? Most Australian men know where to find the pub. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Skipper Jack Date: 30 Oct 01 - 09:42 AM Here's a "shaggy cat" story!! A Bushman was lying in bed one night and he heard a cat meeowing and scratching at his door. The cat kept at it all night. The Bushman tried to shoo it away but it came back making the same racket. Eventually, he could stand it no longer, so he got a sack and stuff the cat in it and flung it in the back of his pickup and drove far out into the bush and let the cat out of the sack and left it there. But a week later he was awakened by the noise of the cat meeowing and scratching at the door. Again he grabbed it and stuffed into a sack and flung it in the back of his pickup and drove even further into the bush. He let the cat and left it there. Lo! a fortnight later the cat returned and with its meeowing and scratching at the door all night he woke the Bushman who by now was driven to distraction! He grabbed the cat yet again and stuffed in a sack and flung in the back of his pickup. He drove into the bush and this time he went further than he had ever been before. He let the cat out again. As he got back into his pickup, he suddenly realised that he couldn't remember his way back home. So he waited for a while and then followed the cat back home! (With acknowledgement to Martyn Wyndham-Read for that one.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Crazy Eddie Date: 30 Oct 01 - 06:41 AM Bluey: "Gooday, Bruce, are you shearing that sheep?" Bruce: "No way mate, you'll have to get your own" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: alison Date: 30 Oct 01 - 01:46 AM lol... now the next question would be..... but is it really true?... *grin* slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: rich-joy Date: 30 Oct 01 - 01:41 AM Another definition of Australian Foreplay was : (nudge): "you awake, love??" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: DonMeixner Date: 29 Oct 01 - 09:53 PM Two Australians get up and leave a pub. Hey. It could happen. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Arbuthnot Date: 29 Oct 01 - 08:06 PM DOn't know any clean stories. Definition of Australian foreplay - BRACE YOURSELF, SHEILA Australian Tendencies - Well there's women, and there's real love - me, I like the Merinos, but Digger likes the black-faced ones... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: tremodt Date: 29 Oct 01 - 06:19 PM 2 Irish guys went to the zoo in Dublin and as they passed the Kangaros cage it had a sign over it saying " Native of Australia" and the one lad said to the other " and To think My sister married one of those blokes " |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: alison Date: 29 Oct 01 - 02:18 AM just received this one in an email.. probably not clean enough either When in Rome, Do as the.... A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting clean air, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt his "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's ass (or bottom for sensitive readers). The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you're pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, You have your head so close to that cow's ass, it could just about shit on you. The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit." slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: alison Date: 29 Oct 01 - 01:08 AM lol seamus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 29 Oct 01 - 01:03 AM An Australian is only an Irishman who got caught. Seamus (right, Alison?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: alison Date: 29 Oct 01 - 12:50 AM one my kids do...
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? then there's always the Australian foreplay one.... but you wanted clean didn't you....... slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: John in Brisbane Date: 29 Oct 01 - 12:36 AM Or if your audience has heard of the Nullarbor (No trees and arid desert) Plain - "Did you hear about the Irishmen who built a bridge across the Nullarbor Plain? They had to pull it down 'cos too many Aussies were fishing from it" Regards, John |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Helen Date: 29 Oct 01 - 12:29 AM I doubt whether this one would work, unless your audience knows about Kings Cross in Sydney, which has the sex shows and all-night clubs, butt... Q: How do you know that Jesus was Australian? A: He wore thongs (i.e. flip-flops) and hung around the Cross. Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Bob Bolton Date: 29 Oct 01 - 12:07 AM Conversely, Jeremiah, We Aussies tell of the elderly lady who came into a small fortune. Friends asked; "Now you have all this money, are you going to visit Home ... England?" She replies; "England ... I don't think I'd like to go there ... that's where the convicts came from!" Regard(les)s, Bob Bolton |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Jeremiah McCaw Date: 28 Oct 01 - 03:02 PM I usually claim that this is about Eric Bogle, but it's not: A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 28 Oct 01 - 02:36 PM What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick! A little Aussie kid got a new boomerang. He went crazy trying to throw the old one away! An American tourist in Australia is in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. He wakes up in hospital the following day and asks the nurse, "Did they bring me here to die?" She says, "No, they brought you here yesterdie!" Not much, Kathryn, but it's a start. Seamus |
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Subject: Need Aussie jokes for a gig From: Kathryn Date: 28 Oct 01 - 09:52 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'I will be doing some Australian songs for a concert and want some clean fun Australian jokes--about droving, prisoners, mining, Gundagai, the Kelly gang... Or anything, really Can anyone help me out? Thanks in advance for the help. |