BS: Best comedy lines

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Leadfingers
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 02:46 PM

Almost any thing from the wonderful Les Barker.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Declan
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 01:05 PM

From Get Smart

Max (Agent 86) to 99 : "99 I think you think you like Agent 43 better than me"
99 : "Nonsense, you're worth 2 43s, 86"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: JulieF
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 11:51 AM

Eric Morcame to Andre Previn.

I'm playing all the right notes just not necessarily in the right order.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Ordinary Average Guy
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 11:41 AM

Madeline Khan (easily the funniest woman in movie history) as the mother of a pirate's kid in Yellowbeard: "Do you remember the last time we had a cuddle?"

Yellowbeard: "You mean I raped ya."

"It was a little rough."

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Merritt
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 12:47 AM

Agree that Slow Talkers of America routine is first rate.

"I'd horsewhip you, if I had a horse." – G. Marx

In Pick Panther movie -

Sellers to Blind Man: "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite."
Blind Man: "It's not my dog."

From Dagwood cartoon; excuse punctuation – Dagwood and his boss, Mr. Smithers are at an airport ticket window. "Give me two round-trip tickets!" Smithers barks at the ticket lady. "To where?" She asks. "Well, back to here, of course!" He yells, completely disgusted.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: lady penelope
Date: 24 Nov 02 - 05:56 PM

Fletcher from Porridge ( played by the glorious Ronnie Barker ) in a cell, singing whilst preparing to shave " Born free, till somebody caught me, now I'm doing solitary........."

Here, I thought the Phantom Rasberry Blower of Old London Town was the Two Ronnies. Or did they nick it from the Goons? I deffinately saw it on the telly though.

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Barney McCool
Date: 24 Nov 02 - 03:22 PM

Olly-What did he die off?,
Stan-He died of a Tuesday.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Gareth
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 06:43 PM

Cricket commenty on BBC radio (That rules out most US of A Catters)

The Batsmans Holding, the Bowler's Willy

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 06:13 PM

"ummm...Lord...what's a cubit?" Bill Cosby

also.. "Noah, how long can you tread water?"

and one of my favorites...George Gobel is commenting on the prediction of the National Safety Council about how many people will die on Labor Day weekend...(they don't do this anymore)

"Well, the prediction is that 374 people will die in traffic accidents between Friday noon and Sunday midnight. It is now Saturday night and 127 have died"............long pause, then looking into the camera with furrowed brow..."....now, some of you folks just aren't trying!"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Peter T.
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 05:56 PM

I was wrong, it was Ringo, surprisingly. yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 05:20 PM

Madeline Kahn plays a Teutonic titwillow in Blazing Saddles. She is performing in a dance hall and sees a cowboy with his hat on his lap:
"Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 02:10 AM

" A waffer thin mint?"...................... "F**K off I`m full" KEERRRRSPPPPLAAATTTTT (MPFC again)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 02:06 AM

"Hi Di Hi" (Gladys Pugh) ((UK only unless you watch really really late nite TV in the US))

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 02:03 AM

"Stormy Petrol on a stick!", "Gannet Ripple!" (MP)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:59 AM

A classic line from "Flowery Twats"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:58 AM

Sorry, should have been "Que?"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:56 AM

Que! (Manuel de Barcelona!)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Art Thieme
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:54 AM

Dizzy Dean, broadcasting a baseball game in St. Louis in the 1950s, had the camera stay on a couple making out passionately in the stands.

Off the top of his head, old Diz said, "Folks, I finally figured out their system. He kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls !!!"

I just about died laughing!!!!!!!!!!

MIDCHUCK, that line you mentioned in the film THE GREAT RACE about the "fria(e)r" and the chicken made me fall off my chair I was laughing so hard. To this day, I wait for it whenever I see that flick. And these days that means I fall out of my wheelchair---and Carol has to go and get at least two more people to help me get up off the floor. ;-)

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:54 AM

"10 O`clock, cafe Mozart!" (Carry on parody of all the spy movies, 3rd man onwards.)




"Which F***ing cafe Mozart!" (Anyone who has ever visited Saltzberg)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bert
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:37 AM

Oh, and from "Take it from here"

XXXVI
XXVI
XXXV Eye, Eye, EYE!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bert
Date: 23 Nov 02 - 01:27 AM

From 'allo 'allo.

"There's a woman here with a gun"

"Has she got a pram?"

And also from Carry on Cleo. "She's from Bristoleum"

Hey Spaw. That reminds me of a time when I was in Iran during the revolution. I was driving home at about 11:30 (way past the military curfew) and I came up to a road block. The rebels had piled tyres and logs across the road and set them on fire. I just drove around over the desert and waved to them as I went by. If they had built their road block half a mile up the road on the Karun River bridge, no one would have got past.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Nov 02 - 10:09 PM

thot yo hud last wud

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,john in hull
Date: 25 Jan 02 - 12:24 PM

Are you local?
(The League of Gentlemen) (UK sketch show)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Jan 02 - 12:14 PM

From the movie When Harry met Sally: "I'll have what she's having."

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Wayne
Date: 24 Jan 02 - 06:55 PM

Jimmy Durante is lying on the ground moaning, having been thrown from his car. Surrounded by Milton Berle, Sid Cesaer, Buddy Hackett, Mickey Rooney and Jonathon Winters, his leg suddenly straigntens and strikes a pail which then rolls down the hillside. Jonathon Winters says "that man is dead!" From the movie "Its a Mad, Mad, Mad World"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: musicmick
Date: 24 Jan 02 - 02:11 AM

Oscar Levant said to an unwelcome admirer, "I'd like to memorize your name and throw my head away!"

Robin Williams, improvising a riff, refered to something being as useful as a Nerf dildo.

Funniest routine of all time was Bob and Ray's interview with the president of the S.T.O.A. ( The Slow Talkers of America)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 10:27 PM

Stop calling me Shirley!

Flip Wilson as Geraldine to Christopher Columbus:
"Christopher Columbus, are you going to America to discover Ray Charles?"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,ylime
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 10:14 PM

almost everything from the movie Airplane!

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: van lingle
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 09:11 PM

This exchange on "America Tonight":
Martin Mull (to Tom Waits): Well that's the first time we've had a guest come out and just place a bottle of Whiskey in front of himself."
Waits: "Well, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 08:51 PM

There's a man at the door with a moustache"
"Tell him I've already got one"
Marx brothers.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 08:25 PM

Oh bugger....sorry about that....I'm an idiot

Well, go HERE..its easier!

http://www.graphicszone.net/monty_python/scripts/Holy_Grail/Scene3.htm

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 08:23 PM

What a brilliant thread!

Not ONE line, but EVERY one a gem:

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh. ARTHUR: I am your King! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for Kings. WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your King! DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: gnu
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 07:11 PM

From "Never Cry Wolf"... "He says... good idea."

The most famous ? "I'll be back." From... you know.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 07:02 PM

German officer="whats your name soldier?"
Capt Manering ="Don't tell him Pike!"
(Dads Army)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,colwyn dane
Date: 16 Nov 01 - 08:06 PM

One from 'Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein':

Lon Chaney Jr:"You don't understand...every night when the moon is full,
I turn into a wolf."

Lou Costello: "You and fifty million other guys!"

CD.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Leprechaun
Date: 16 Nov 01 - 07:46 PM

Jethro Bodine, Jed Clampett's nephew on the Beverly Hillbillies, was showing off his homework to somebody who commented, "This looks like it was written by a fifth grader!"

Jethro: "Thankyee!"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: VoxFox
Date: 16 Nov 01 - 05:07 PM

From the movie "Caddy Shack", Rodney Dangerfield's comment as he is standing around at the pool party, "Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it!" I still kill myself laughing over that line because I think about it every time I see a sourpuss look from some people. VF

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,colwyn dane
Date: 16 Nov 01 - 12:54 PM

The following dialogue is from 'The Man Who Came To Dinner'

Nurse Treen: "You shouldn't eat chocolates in your condition, Mr Whiteside it's very bad for you."

Sheridan Whiteside: "I had an aunt who ate a box of chocolates every day of her life.
She lived to be a hundred and two, and when she had been dead three days,
she looked healthier than you do now."

Nurse Treen: "I am not only walking out on this case, Mr Whitside,I am leaving the nursing profession.
I became a nurse because all my life, ever since I was a little girl, I was filled with the
idea of serving a suffering humanity. After one month with you Mr Whiteside, I am going to work
in a munitions factory. From now on,anything I can do to help exterminate the human race will fill
me with the greatest of pleasure. If Florence Nightingale had ever nursed YOU, Mr Whiteside,
she would have married Jack the Ripper instead of founding the Red Cross!"

CD.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: radriano
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 07:19 PM

I believe Groucho Marx was interviewing a woman who had 14 children. And Groucho's comment was more like:

"Fourteen kids? I like my cigar a lot too but I take it out every now and then."

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Banjer
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 07:00 PM

Just about anything from the Carol Burnette Show is funny. When Tim Conway would ad-lib and crack up Harvey Korman I used to laugh til I cried. Also the spinoff, Mamma's Family when Vickie Lawrence (Mamma) used to get onto Carol Burnette's character with her trademark 'For God's sake, Eunice......'. I especially remember the one show where they were sitting in the parlor playing the board game known as Sorry. Eunice was so happy until she started losing and then all hell broke loose.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 11:27 AM

Groucho was probably the quickest wit in the history of comedy.

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 11:16 AM

...and the line that got Groucho bleeped off the air in the days of live TV!....

A male guest on the program admitted to having something like 14 children....

Groucho replied something like..

" Fourteen kids? I smoke my cigar a lot, but I put it out now & then!"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 09:20 AM

From you bet your life.

Groucho: How old are you young lady?

Giggly woman Contestant: I'm aprroaching forty.

Groucho, full eyebows: From which direction?

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: RangerSteve
Date: 13 Nov 01 - 02:55 PM

Mae West attempted a come-back movie in the 70's that no one saw called "Sextet". I saw the first half-hour on TV, long enough to hear the best/worst line ever: I'm the girl who hangs around Paramount all day and Fox all night."

From the Burns and Allen TV show: A friends 17 year old daughter is staying at their house and George is worried about the girl going out on a date with no supervision. He wonders why Gracie isn't worried. Gracie: Oh, George, when I was her age I was 17 too.

(and everything else Gracie said).

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Raptor
Date: 13 Nov 01 - 11:56 AM

"I once caddied for the Dali Lama I said ""hey Lama something for the trouble"" He didn't tip me but he gave me everlasting life So I got that going for me,... Which is nice." Bill Murry Caddyshack

Raptor

Subject: Best comedy??
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 13 Nov 01 - 11:45 AM

George Carlin... all of it... same with Dennis Leary, and Billy Connolly... Plus a lot of what Dennis Miller USED to do before he got his own lousy show...

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,jack
Date: 13 Nov 01 - 11:12 AM

From a Bugs Bunny cartoon: Bugs(Dressed in drag, as he was wont to do from time to time)says to an overworked shoe salesman:"I'd like to see something nice in a bedroom slipper!"

Salesman:"So would I Lady!"

or

Pepe L'pew(sp?)after chasing around a cat w/a paint stripe for the entire cartoon leans up close and wearing a Napoleonic uniform complete w/hat simply says... "Josephine!!"

or

My own son age 16 as we were driving along and discussing the changing state of our relationship as he was beginning to mature. I'm a non-custodial parent.

Me:"So, now that you're graduating soon how would you rate my overall parenting skills now that you've got some perspective?" Son:"Well, I 'do' brush my teeth every night before bed and 'always' wear my seat belt." You were loose about most stuff, but things like that you were, like totally anal." Me:"Anal in a bad way?" Son:"Oh, no! You were like totally my Dad, totally responsible and gave me the business at the right time about the right stuff in totally the right way, but most of the time and I mean this in a good way...you were like my 25 year old loser brother that wouldn't move out or get a job!"

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 13 Nov 01 - 10:26 AM

Benny Hill (in character): " . . . and I come from a long line of male witches."
Interviewer: "Warlocks."
Benny: "It's the truth!"

(As an American, I was rather proud that I understood that one.)

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Trevor
Date: 13 Nov 01 - 04:20 AM

Not a line exactly, but I once read that when 'Shaft' was given Spanish sub-titles, a line which should have said '...well you can kiss my black ass' was translated as '...well you can kiss my black donkey'!

Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 12 Nov 01 - 07:37 PM

"I shot an arrow in the air... She fell to earth in Berkley Square"

From "Kind Hearts And Coronets".

Jon