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Req: Two line jokes...good ones!

GUEST 14 Nov 01 - 02:29 PM
GUEST,emily b 14 Nov 01 - 02:33 PM
Maxine 14 Nov 01 - 04:42 PM
Arbuthnot 14 Nov 01 - 08:37 PM
AliUK 14 Nov 01 - 08:51 PM
kendall 15 Nov 01 - 09:15 AM
The_one_and_only_Dai 15 Nov 01 - 09:59 AM
Raptor 15 Nov 01 - 10:10 AM
GUEST,Lionel 15 Nov 01 - 10:11 AM
Midchuck 15 Nov 01 - 10:15 AM
Raptor 15 Nov 01 - 10:23 AM
Dave the Gnome 15 Nov 01 - 10:28 AM
GUEST 08 Feb 09 - 11:07 PM
GUEST,big andy 09 Feb 09 - 04:01 AM
Stu 09 Feb 09 - 04:21 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Feb 09 - 06:35 AM
bubblyrat 09 Feb 09 - 06:41 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Feb 09 - 06:42 AM
bubblyrat 09 Feb 09 - 06:45 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Feb 09 - 07:15 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Feb 09 - 07:17 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Feb 09 - 07:18 AM
SINSULL 09 Feb 09 - 08:33 AM
Louie Roy 09 Feb 09 - 02:24 PM
Bill D 09 Feb 09 - 03:10 PM
Don Firth 09 Feb 09 - 04:53 PM
Ed T 09 Feb 09 - 06:21 PM
Georgiansilver 09 Feb 09 - 06:28 PM
GUEST,Dani 09 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM
Louie Roy 09 Feb 09 - 07:35 PM
Joe_F 09 Feb 09 - 08:45 PM
van lingle 09 Feb 09 - 08:59 PM
van lingle 09 Feb 09 - 09:01 PM
Don Firth 09 Feb 09 - 11:39 PM
Neil D 10 Feb 09 - 01:50 AM
Splott Man 10 Feb 09 - 03:46 AM
KEVINOAF 10 Feb 09 - 05:25 AM
Helen 10 Feb 09 - 06:10 AM
Georgiansilver 10 Feb 09 - 06:33 AM
gnomad 10 Feb 09 - 07:28 AM
Mickey191 10 Feb 09 - 11:26 AM
Don Firth 10 Feb 09 - 01:50 PM
bankley 10 Feb 09 - 01:58 PM
lefthanded guitar 10 Feb 09 - 08:19 PM
Joe_F 10 Feb 09 - 08:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Feb 09 - 09:24 PM
Don Firth 10 Feb 09 - 10:04 PM
GUEST,wlisk 12 Feb 09 - 09:52 AM
Mr Red 12 Feb 09 - 11:13 AM
GUEST,Denzil 12 Feb 09 - 11:33 AM
MudGuard 12 Feb 09 - 02:30 PM
eddie1 12 Feb 09 - 04:52 PM
Michael 13 Feb 09 - 08:23 AM
Nick 13 Feb 09 - 10:17 AM
Helen 13 Feb 09 - 05:16 PM
Steve Shaw 13 Feb 09 - 07:11 PM
Ed T 13 Feb 09 - 07:23 PM
Helen 13 Feb 09 - 11:58 PM
frogprince 14 Feb 09 - 12:18 AM
Helen 14 Feb 09 - 12:34 AM
Steve Shaw 14 Feb 09 - 12:25 PM
Mrrzy 14 Feb 09 - 01:48 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Feb 09 - 03:24 PM
Helen 14 Feb 09 - 05:42 PM
Don Firth 14 Feb 09 - 06:02 PM
Joe_F 14 Feb 09 - 09:36 PM
RangerSteve 14 Feb 09 - 10:19 PM
Big Mick 14 Feb 09 - 10:22 PM
Helen 15 Feb 09 - 12:03 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Feb 09 - 08:35 AM
Michael 15 Feb 09 - 09:21 AM
Ed T 15 Feb 09 - 10:13 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Feb 09 - 07:28 PM
Jane of 'ull 15 Feb 09 - 07:50 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Feb 09 - 07:56 PM
Joe_F 15 Feb 09 - 08:25 PM
TRUBRIT 15 Feb 09 - 08:37 PM
Helen 16 Feb 09 - 01:34 AM
KEVINOAF 16 Feb 09 - 05:20 AM
Don Firth 16 Feb 09 - 09:43 PM
GUEST,ForlornAppalachianBoy 07 Mar 09 - 10:07 PM
GUEST,Jessica 24 Sep 09 - 10:46 AM
Bryn Pugh 24 Sep 09 - 11:14 AM
Bryn Pugh 24 Sep 09 - 11:17 AM
Bryn Pugh 24 Sep 09 - 11:18 AM
bankley 24 Sep 09 - 12:58 PM
Joe_F 24 Sep 09 - 11:01 PM
Splott Man 25 Sep 09 - 05:35 PM
MGM·Lion 26 Sep 09 - 01:20 AM
Michael 26 Sep 09 - 03:43 AM
Joe_F 26 Sep 09 - 10:01 PM
Gurney 27 Sep 09 - 09:37 PM
Micca 28 Sep 09 - 03:32 AM
MGM·Lion 28 Sep 09 - 05:41 AM
MGM·Lion 28 Sep 09 - 05:49 AM
Bryn Pugh 28 Sep 09 - 06:31 AM
MGM·Lion 28 Sep 09 - 09:09 AM
RobbieWilson 28 Sep 09 - 09:30 AM
MarkS 28 Sep 09 - 12:59 PM
GUEST 14 Aug 14 - 05:47 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Aug 14 - 08:06 PM
Teribus 15 Aug 14 - 02:10 AM
Mr Red 15 Aug 14 - 03:51 AM
Steve Shaw 15 Aug 14 - 08:44 AM
GUEST 15 Aug 14 - 09:36 AM
Claire M 15 Aug 14 - 12:32 PM
GUEST 15 Aug 14 - 02:00 PM
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Subject: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 02:29 PM


Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Ok let's get this thing started:

Two Irishmen were coming out of a pub...it could've happened!!

At the pub one night a Welshman bought the house a round...it could've happened!!

Q)What do you get by crossing a banjo and a mandolin? A)An instrument so out of tune even the bass player notices!

Ok, you get the idea...


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 02:33 PM

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park. One was a salted.


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Maxine
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 04:42 PM

A penguin asks the barman, "has my brother been in?" The barman says" dunno, what does he look like?" Boom boom...


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Arbuthnot
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 08:37 PM

A sandwich goes into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman says -Go away. We don't serve food.

Definition of Australian foreplay - Brace yourself, Sheila


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: AliUK
Date: 14 Nov 01 - 08:51 PM

whats red and white, has three legs, big teeth and hundreds of claws? I dont know either but if you see one, run like f**k.


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: kendall
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 09:15 AM

My doctor refused to give me Viagra, said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 09:59 AM

What's black, white and red, and can't turn round in corridors?

A nun with a spear through her head.


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Raptor
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 10:10 AM

What do you do if a folk singer shows up at your door?

Pay him for the pizza!

Raptor


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,Lionel
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 10:11 AM

Have you heard about the judge with no balls? Justice Prick.


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Midchuck
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 10:15 AM

WASP foreplay - drying the dishes for your wife.

Jewish foreplay - three hours of begging (The guy who told me that is named Cohen, so I assume there's something to it - unless it's just him.)

Peter.


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Raptor
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 10:23 AM

If a man talks in a forest, and there isn't a woman around to hear him Is he still wrong?

I'll just apologise for that one right now. SORRY!

Raptor


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Nov 01 - 10:28 AM

Genré - 2 line jokes.

Sub-genré - Questions and answers
Q. What do you get if you cross a motorway with an Aarvark?
A. Run over

Sub-genré - Did you hear? (Still questions but not quite the same!)
Q. Did you hear about the Welsh vicar living over the chip shop?
A. Evans above...

Sub-genré - Statements
My daughter won first prize at an unusual pet contest the other day.
Entered a tin of Sardines

Any more?

Cheers

Dave the Gnome


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Subject: RE: Tune Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 11:07 PM

what do you call a fish that is missing an eye?







a FSH


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,big andy
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:01 AM

a man walks into a bar and asks fro a double ontornder
so the landlord GAVE HIM ONE


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Stu
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:21 AM

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?".

What do baby gorillas sleep in? Apricots.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 06:35 AM

The dyslexic blonde who attacked her boyfriend with an iron bra!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: bubblyrat
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 06:41 AM

What's the difference between someone with "green fingers" and an Indian sea-food curry ??
One's a Born Pruner, the other's a Prawn Bhuna.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 06:42 AM

What is the difference between the Whitehall Theatre and a Public Convenience...????
Easy really... the Whitehall Theatre is for Arts and Farces!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: bubblyrat
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 06:45 AM

Oh,and what's the difference between a Magician's Wand, and a Policeman's Truncheon (Nightstick) ??
   A Magician's Wand is for Cunning Stunts.........


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 07:15 AM

Oh and what's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl...
That's easy too:- The bad marksman shoots but can't hit!!!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 07:17 AM

Ohhhh and what's the difference between a nun in Church and a nun in the bath.
The nun in Church has hope in her soul!!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 07:18 AM

Ohhhhhh and what's the difference between 'hard' and 'light'.......
You can go to sleep with the light on!!!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 08:33 AM

GROAN!

take my wife...please!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Louie Roy
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 02:24 PM

The little boy going down the street with his teeny weeny wagon


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 03:10 PM

I haven't heard most of these for 50 years...
and you missed "What's the difference between a woman running down the street and a sewing machine?"

















A sewing machine only has one bobbin.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Don Firth
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:53 PM

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue?

A nun tripping and falling downstairs.

Ba-dum-pum!!

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 06:21 PM

What's green, grows around a house and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels


How do you get down off a horse?
You don't you get down of a goose.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 06:28 PM

What has one wheel, flies and hums?














A wheelbarrow of dung


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM

Who catered the Last Supper?







Judas Iscariot


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Louie Roy
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 07:35 PM

Whats black and white and red all over













A Newspaper


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 08:45 PM

What's the difference between a chambermaid in the daytime and at night?
In the daytime she's fair & buxom.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
If I could do that, I'd *be* God.

St Peter, I'm bored. May I try Hell for a while?
You're there.

How many guacas are there in a guacamole?
Avocadro's number.

There's a hint of fall in the air.
Don't talk with your mouth full.

That is true, but it is not important.
Importance is not important. Truth is.

Masochist: Hurt me!
Sadist: No.

What has six eyes, but can't see?
Three blind mice.

Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
Alexander the grape.

Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
Inadequate lubrication.

I need a man who can say no to me when I talk nonsense. Are you that man?
No.

inanimate
inaminute

Sir, my heart belongs to another man.
I have never aspired so high as that, Madam.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: van lingle
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 08:59 PM

Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor a says make me one with everything.

Dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. Bartender says the toilet's down the hall to the left.

What do you call a spiritual medium with really bad breath?
A Supercaliforniapsyhicextrahalatosis.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: van lingle
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 09:01 PM

"west coast spiritual..." Drat!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Don Firth
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 11:39 PM

The kid in the paper hat hands Descartes his hamburger and says, "Do you want fries with that?"

Descartes says, "I think not." And vanishes.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Neil D
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 01:50 AM

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Splott Man
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 03:46 AM

Two elephants fall off a cliff


boom boom!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: KEVINOAF
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 05:25 AM

the difference between a rottweiler & a woman with PMT?



lipstick
----------------------------------------------------------------------
the difference between PMT&PLO?

you may ger a chance of reasoning with thePLO
----------------------------------------------------------------------


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 06:10 AM

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says: Does this taste funny to you?

Two fish are in a tank.
One says: You drive and I'll man the guns.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One says: Does this smell fishy to you?

What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It looks like the backstroke, sir.

Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Yes sir, the chef used to be a tailor.

Eye doctor to blonde: Have your eyes been checked before?
Blonde: No, they've always been blue!


I call these my "groan jokes".

Helen


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 06:33 AM

What about 'Waiter Waiter, there's a soup in my fly!!!!!!!!'


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: gnomad
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 07:28 AM

"Waiter, your thumb is in my soup!"

"Don't worry Sir, it isn't very hot."


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 11:26 AM

Skeleton walks into a bar..

Give me a beer and a mop.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Don Firth
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 01:50 PM

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke!??"

Rim-shot!

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: bankley
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 01:58 PM

what do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend ?







homeless


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: lefthanded guitar
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 08:19 PM

What did the folksinger say when he won the $50 million dollar lottery?



I'll just keep working til it's gone.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 08:55 PM

Doctor: Miss Dietrich, have you had a checkup recently?
Marlene: No, just a couple of Hungarians.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 09:24 PM

Whaddaya call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

-----

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

"Dam!"


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Don Firth
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 10:04 PM

Speaking of boomerangs:

What's an Irish boomerang?

Unlike other boomerangs, it never comes back. But it drinks a lot and sings sentimental songs about how much it wants to.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,wlisk
Date: 12 Feb 09 - 09:52 AM

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.


What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?

Lean beef.


A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "Alright which one of you guys shot my Pa?"


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Feb 09 - 11:13 AM

Louie Roy Whats black and white and red all over
A Newspaper


that joke doesn't work on folkies younger than 40.

I should know - because when I wear black & white and am asked why I say: "same Joke" - and you can't tell young people today..........


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,Denzil
Date: 12 Feb 09 - 11:33 AM

What's the difference between a chiropodist and a bodhrán player? A chiropodist bucks up the feet and ...


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Feb 09 - 02:30 PM

There are 10 kinds of people.
Those who understand binary numbers. And the rest.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: eddie1
Date: 12 Feb 09 - 04:52 PM

What's the difference between an undersized, oversexed Eskimo and an oversized, undersexed Englishman?
On's a frigid midget with a rigid digit, the other's a massive vassal with a passive tassel!

What do you call an expert in Oriental martial arts whose father has chronic diorre........ diahre........, dire........, runs?
A slap-happy chappie with a crap-happy pappy!

What's the difference between a barrow-boy and a dachshund? A barrow-boy bawls his wares on the pavement!

Eddie


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Michael
Date: 13 Feb 09 - 08:23 AM

Who am I? All my works are wicked and all my wicked works are brought to light

A candle maker


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Nick
Date: 13 Feb 09 - 10:17 AM

Three pink elephants walk into a bar just after it opens.
The barman says "Sorry lads, he's not in yet"


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 13 Feb 09 - 05:16 PM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Feb 09 - 07:11 PM

What have Jimmy Edwards and Lulu got in common?


They've both got moustaches, except Lulu.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Ed T
Date: 13 Feb 09 - 07:23 PM

There was the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

(I posted it a while back, but I still like it)


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 13 Feb 09 - 11:58 PM

Crude alert: sorry!

A naked man wrapped in cling wrap plastic goes to the doctor.

Doctor says: Don't say anything! I can clearly see you're nuts!


What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call a woman lying in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.

etc
etc


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: frogprince
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 12:18 AM

....a quadruple amputee in the swimming pool; Bob

...a guy who dozes off in the hot tub; Stu


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 12:34 AM

A woodworm goes in to a pub and says, "Is the bartender here?"

(sorry, that's only one line, but one of my faves)


Did you hear about the hyena which jumped into a pot of boiling water with some onions and made a laughing stock of himself.


A man rang up a lawyers firm and said, "Is that Smith, Smith & Smith?"
The receptionist said, "No, this is just Smith". "Oh," replies the man, "I'm sorry you've been trebled."


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 12:25 PM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swims the Channel?


Clever Dick.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 01:48 PM

By the way, these are riddles, I believe, technically not jokes... Pedant alert!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 03:24 PM

"There was the plastic surgeon who hung himself"

Anyone else besides me not get it??


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 05:42 PM

I don't get it either, Steve. I thought it was just me.

Helen


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 06:02 PM

Well, I got it. I guess I just have that kind of mind. . . .

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 09:36 PM

Why is it better to fall into a vat of acid than a vat of molten optical glass?
Because it is better to be part of the solution than to make a spectacle of yourself.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 10:19 PM

I didn't get the Plastic Surgeon joke either.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Big Mick
Date: 14 Feb 09 - 10:22 PM

Damn ..... Is there no hope for me???? ..... I got it right away ...... think of what hangs on a bloke ........


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 12:03 AM

Big Mick,

That reminds me of the one major thing I learned when teaching adolescent/young adult (future tradesmen) males. I think if I flipped a dictionary to any random page and picked a random word with a pin then they could make it into a joke relating it to male genitals.

So why didn't I get that joke? Because it has been 5 years since I taught classes of young males, so I must be out of practice pre-empting the way they think.

Anyway, back to the topic. (These don't fit the definition of two-line jokes either, but they're puns.)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.         

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.         

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.         

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.         

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.         

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.         

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.         

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.         

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

Helen


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 08:35 AM

So how 'well hung' is the plastic surgeon now????


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Michael
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 09:21 AM

Polystyrene balls?

Mike


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Ed T
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 10:13 AM

Though commonly used interchangably, mostly accepted English use is that it's hanged for people who are killed by hanging, and hung for everything else. For the purpose of this joke, the surgeon did not kill himself by hanging, but did get a membership in the "well hung club", following the procedure:). Don't feel bad, most folks don't get this joke for awhile....that's why it's a favourite of mine.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 07:28 PM

I'm beginning to get it, but, dammit, the moment has passed...


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Jane of 'ull
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 07:50 PM

Dyslexic homosexuality.

The love that can't spell its name.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 07:56 PM

Hahah, nice one, Jane. Best yet!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 08:25 PM

I had the answer right under my nose.
Then I blew it.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 08:37 PM

Sorry - I don't get it.

What is soft and yellow and goes round and round?
A long playing omelet!!!!!! (age alert on this one)

What goes clop clop, bang bang, clop clop?
An Amish drive by shooting


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Helen
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 01:34 AM

Ed T,

Most of my favourite jokes are the ones which a lot of people don't get straight away.

So my favourites so far posted to this thread, for that reason, are:

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One says, "Can you smell fish?"

A woodworm goes into a pub and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Did you hear about the tap dancer? He fell down the drain.

(The last one is particularly useful in the company of our American friends because they don't call them taps, they call them faucets.)

It's the pun-ny ones I like the most.

Helen


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: KEVINOAF
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 05:20 AM

what"s the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?
A PIGEON C AN STILL LEAVE A DEPOSIT ON NEW FERRARI !


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Don Firth
Date: 16 Feb 09 - 09:43 PM

Not a two liner, but. . . .
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Vast numbers of people would never get this, but if you're familiar with the music of composer Philip Glass, it's a real knee-slapper.

Clicky.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,ForlornAppalachianBoy
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 10:07 PM

What's the difference between an epileptic corn-husker and a hooker with diarrhea??

The corn-husker shucks between fits...


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST,Jessica
Date: 24 Sep 09 - 10:46 AM

Rember when you used to blow bubbles when you were little? well bubbles said hi


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Sep 09 - 11:14 AM

The difference between a seagull and a diarrhetic baby?

A seagull flits all over the shore . . . and a diarrhetic baby doesn't.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Sep 09 - 11:17 AM

The difference between love and Gordon Brown ?

Love is Cupid's stunt and Gordon Brown isn't.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Sep 09 - 11:18 AM

What's the best way of keeping flies out of your kintchen ?

Keep a bucket of shit in the hall.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: bankley
Date: 24 Sep 09 - 12:58 PM

or keep Gordon Brown in the hall....


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Sep 09 - 11:01 PM

"No sign of the missing oscilloscope, but the cops say they have a couple of leads."
"I hope that doesn't trigger a sweep of the neighborhood."


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Splott Man
Date: 25 Sep 09 - 05:35 PM

A bass drum and a cymbal fell off a cliff.

b-boom... tshhhhhh!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 26 Sep 09 - 01:20 AM

A thread above-line about music for dancing reminds me of the oldie [before The Twist led 45 years ago to the antisocial form of dancing among young people now current - the poor little dears don't know what they are missing - I shall not spell out the obvious comparison!]—


What is the definition of dancing?

A naval engagement without loss of seamen.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Michael
Date: 26 Sep 09 - 03:43 AM

A phycisist's definition of sex:-
A couple oscillating in a field


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Sep 09 - 10:01 PM

A millihelen is the amount of facial beauty required to launch one ship.
A microhelen is the amount required to arouse one sailor.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Gurney
Date: 27 Sep 09 - 09:37 PM

What's the difference between a good vacuum cleaner and a Swiss admiral?
A good vacuum cleaner sucks, and never fails,


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Micca
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 03:32 AM

What is the difference between Noahs Ark and Joan of Arc

One is made of Gopher wood the other is Maid of Orleans


? confused? Try saying it aloud!!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 05:41 AM

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a man who's been buried for 2000 years?
Pete

What did one road say to the other road?
Meet you at the corner.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
Snowballs

What did the mouse say as he screwed the female elephant?
Suffer, bitch!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 05:49 AM

What is green and grows and has five legs?
Grass. (I was lying about the five legs.)


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 06:31 AM

The difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

A goldfish can muck about in a fountain and a mountain goat can't.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 09:09 AM

What did the big rose say to the little rose?
Hiya, Bud.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 09:30 AM

What did the snail say to the slug?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?big issue!


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: MarkS
Date: 28 Sep 09 - 12:59 PM

Did the hydrogen atom know for sure he had lost an electron?
Yeah, he was positive.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Aug 14 - 05:47 PM

always wondered where the sun went at night, then it dawned on me.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Aug 14 - 08:06 PM

"Doctor, I'm having terrible trouble pronouncing my Fs and THs!"

"Well you can't say fairer than that then..."


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Teribus
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 02:10 AM

"How's the wife?"
"Compared to what?"


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 03:51 AM

the surgeon joke fails because the more likely humour would come from "well hung" which would make the joke gratuitous. Just shows "different strokes (sic) for different folks".

Like the architect that had his house made backwards, so he could watch the TV. it is a phonetic pun. You either see it or you don't. But IMNSHO is funnier than the surgeon joke.

Isn't humour deflated when you try to analyse it? Unless you are inventing a humourus piece, then the joy is in weaving a tapestry of jokettes into an hilarious guffaw. Well I try with my songs. Imagine what you can do with "My Love is Like a Chocolate Box".


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 08:44 AM

Bad news and good news ones have to stretch the rule slightly, but, if you keep 'em brief...

(Doctor to patient who's just come round) Bad news - I've had to amputate both your legs...

Good news: the bloke in the next bed wants to buy your slippers...


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 09:36 AM

Did anyone tell you about people who indulge in word play? They sure do get up to semantics.


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: Claire M
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 12:32 PM

Hiya!! What's the difference between a useless archer & a constipated owl??
1 shoots but can't hit……


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Subject: RE: Req: Two line jokes...good ones!
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Aug 14 - 02:00 PM

Claire M: See Georgiansilver, 09 Feb 09 - 7:15 AM


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