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Nasty Nursery Rhymes

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Aidan Crossey 06 Dec 01 - 10:22 AM
Micca 06 Dec 01 - 10:30 AM
Aidan Crossey 06 Dec 01 - 10:53 AM
masato sakurai 06 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM
Eric the Viking 06 Dec 01 - 01:28 PM
Dave the Gnome 06 Dec 01 - 01:52 PM
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catspaw49 06 Dec 01 - 02:11 PM
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Subject: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:22 AM

When I was wee we used to recite the following nursery rhyme (Christ knows how these things wash up on the shores of memory, but it just did!).

Ah-choo, ah-choo, me mother has gone to church
She told me not to play with you because you're in the dirt
It's not because you're dirty
It's not because you're clean
It's because you've got the whooping cough and eat margarine

Other 'catters will surely remember rhymes which they used to chant in the playground, nasty or not. It'll be interesting to see whether these rhymes are regional or universal ...


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Micca
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:30 AM

Derrymacash, what you need it access to a copy of " The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren" By Iona and Peter Opie (ISBN 0-19-282059-1) and.to a lesser extent, its companion volume by the same authors "The singing game" (ISBN 0-19-284019-3) both deal with British Isles stuff and are unequalled fro their scholarship and thoroughness, including dealing with regional variations


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:53 AM

Nice one Micca ... I'll see if I can get my hands on a copy.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: masato sakurai
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM

Various kinds of nasty rhymes are included in Mary and Herbert Knapp, One Potato, Two Potato: The Folklore of American Children (Norton, 1976); and Simon J. Bronner, American Children's Folklore (August House)

~Masato


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:28 PM

Not so nasty, but some good fun-Roald Dahl, revolting rhymes


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:52 PM

My brother Billy had ten foot Willy
and he showd it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake and she hit it with a rake
and now it's only five foot four.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
but not for carrying water.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they'd fall off.
( Never understood that last one - it doesn't rhyme;-) )

One-two-three alera
I saw my sister Sarah
Sitting on her bum-delera
Eating chocolate biscuts.

Anna-Maria peed on the fire
The fire was too hot so she peed on the pot
The pot was too round so she peed on the ground
The ground was too flat so she peed on the cat
and the cat ran away with pee on it's back.

Eeeeeh - good old days. Those were genuine Salford 1950/60's. I know others but I think I know them bu 'osmosis' from Oldham tinkers albums! I'll see what else I can dredge up. One I can remember the start of was Nebukanezer the king of the Jews, bought his wife a pair of shoes but it stops there! I remember my sister skipping to it.

Cheers

Dave the Gnome


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:08 PM

Bear in mind of course that kids can be, as the title suggests, nasty little buggers! I guess we knew no better then though. Some of the rhymes would be very un-pc today and if I heard my kids saying them they would get a clip round the lug'ole! (Well, not now - they are bigger than me;-)) The reason I mention it is that I just remembered these as well -

And the lord said unto Moses
All the Jews shall have big noses
All except for Aaron
and he shall have a square 'un.

That also brought to mind another biblical classic (hopefully not as insulting!)

I saw Esaw, sitting on a see-saw

and the clasic monologue about Daniel that I think has already been discussed on this forum

(Shot! Shouted Daniel. Shit! Shouted the King. And in those days the Kings words were his commands so ten thousand arseholes ponted in an easterly direction...)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:11 PM

Well, they ain't exactly circulating on the schoolyards, but for sheer stupid and nasty, it's hard to beat Andrew "Dice" Clay with immortals like:

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off
His fuckin' dick.

Others from his "act" are HERE

The only one of his that I know for a fact WAS making the schoolyard rounds at least 40 years ago is a bit different than listed there. I remember it quite well:

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover came over,
And he had a bone of his own.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: weepiper
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:18 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water,
Jill forgot to take her pill
and now she's got a daughter.

Dave the Gnome, my Nan used to sing me the Nebuchudnezzar (sp?) one, I remember it as:
Nebuchudnezzar the king of the Jews
Bought himself a pair of shoes
When the shoes began to wear
Nebuchudnezzar began to swear, swear, swear, swear...


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:30 PM

Ahhhh - thats the one weepiper! But it does have more. Memory in overdrive...

When the swearing began to stop...

No! Gone again!

Anyone else know it?

Just looked up the spelling in my old encyclopedia btw -

Nebuchadnezzar or Nebuchadrezzar. He was , apparantly, 'the greatest of the Babylonian kings.' I never knew that!

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:31 PM

One day Hardi's mind slipped a cog, and out came:

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider and climbed up inside her and said what a good boy am I.

There is a certain logic to it, and almost a music post, if you think about it.

~S~


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 03:23 PM

Mrs G came up with the goods as usual -

Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews
bought his wife a pair of shoes
When the shoes began to wear
Nebuchadnezzar began to swear
When the swearing began to stop
Nebuchadnezzar bought a shop
When the shop began to sell
Nebuchadnezzar bought a bell
When the bell began to ring
Nebuchadnezzar began to sing
Do ray me fa so la ti do...

Glad about that - it would have bigged me all night!

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 03:24 PM

Or even bugged me:-O


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:22 PM

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them as well, he's funny that way!

or

Hey diddle diddle, the cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor.
The little dog laughed to see such sport
So the cat did a little bit more!

Ah, lovely days!

LTS


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: WickedLad
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:54 PM

LITTLE WILLIE

Little Willie hung his sister
She was dead before we missed her
"Willie's always up to tricks,
Ain't he cute? He's only six,"

Little Willie, in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by the room grew chilly,
But noone liked to poke up Willie

and

TIS SWEET TO ROAM

Tis sweet to roam when morning's light
Resounds across the deep;
And the crystal song of the woodbine bright.
Hushes the rocks to sleep
And the blood red moon in the blaze of noon
Is bathed in a crumbling dew,
And the wolf rings out with a glittering shout,
To-whit, to-whit, to-whoo.!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Arbuthnot
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:58 PM

I'll put a real post in later; needs to be composed off line because I know a lot of relevant stuff, but -

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Knickers all tattered and torn,
It was not the spider that sat down beside her
But Little Boy Blue with his horn

- Judge Dread (Big Six)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Micca
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 05:04 PM

Lttle Willie from his mirror licked the Mercury right off
Thinking in his childish error ,it would cure the Whooping cough
At his funeral his mother brightly said to Mrs Brown
"'twas a chilly day for Willie when the Mercury went down"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Keltik
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM

from the mid 70's in maryland....

Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat, tiny birdies stinky feet,
French fried eyeballs floating in a pool of blood,
And me with out my spoon!
(big barbershop finish)
-but not my straaawwww!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: The Walrus
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:08 PM

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs,
Clutched in his little hand, little brown hairs,
Oooh look, What's that on the mat?
Christopher-Robin's just doctored the cat.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Sorcha
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:31 PM

Good grief--you guys know all kinds of badnastyshit, don't you? All I can remember is:
Here comes the bride,
Big, fat and wide.........there is more, I think.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:46 PM

Nebuchadnezzar, the king of the Jews,
Pulled off his stockings, but left on his shoes.

Old Mr Kelly had a pimple on his belly.
His wife cut it off, and it tasted like jelly.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children -- she didn't know what to do, evidently.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule.
We have battered down the office door and killed the principule.
The brats are marching home.
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
I hit her on the bean with a rotten tangerine,
And the juice came trickling down.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: lady penelope
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:55 PM

Gooey, gooey custard
Snot and bogey pie
All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
Put it in the oven
And bake it nice and quick
And wash it all down with a cool cup of sick!

Ah, primary school poetry.

My alternative Mary rhyme...........

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
and to all the local gentry
It was fifty quid a go!

TTFN M'Lady P.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: bill\sables
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:17 PM

A couple I remember were;

Old mother Reily had a fine cow
To milk it to milk it she never knew how
She pulled it's tail instead of it's tit
And old mother Reily got covered in shit

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
He played with his soldiers in bed
But when he was tired of his majors and generals
He played with his privates instead

Rule Britania marmalade and jam
Five Chinese crackers up your arse hole
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bill


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Nigel.Parsons
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candle stick Alas poor Jack should've jumped higher Goodness Gracious, great balls of fire

Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear, I've often seenher little lamb, But I've never seen her bare!

Mary had a little bear, She treated it so kind, And everywhere that Mary went, You'd see her bare behind!

Mary had a little dress, The skirt was split in half. And every step that Mary took, The boys would see her calf.

Mary had another dress, Split right up the front.. But she didn't wear that one!

Nigel Parsons


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:28 PM

to Keltik: But I had a straw so I ate it all!

I remember a jump rope rhyme:

Cinderella dressed in Yella Went downtown to see her fella On the way her girdle busted How many people were disgustd 1 - 2 - 3 etc.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Hawker
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:48 PM

Another Mary one -

Mary had a little sheep
With that sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram...
Mary had a little lamb!

I know one about a vampire called Mabel, but its not very nice at all!!!!!
Nice to see you all again - had a virus!!!!!
Lucy


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Morticia
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 08:35 PM

Ding dong dell, pussy's in the well
But we put disinfectant in
So we don't mind the smell


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Giac
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 08:39 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And she mashed the bastard with a spoon.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: curmudgeon
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 09:29 PM

Long and thin goes too far in
And doesn't please the ladies.
Short and thick will do the trick
And bring out proper babies.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:16 PM

Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were surprised
But when Old MacDonald had a farm
They nearly shit a brick

Aloha,
Mark


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: ddw
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:40 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said, "You really eat that shit?!"

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
It's none of your damned business.

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said, "We had the same shit last year!"

Or

And said, "They expect me to eat this shit?!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:51 PM

Curmudgeon: A fuller version:

Long and thin goes too far in
And doesn't please the ladies.
Short and thick will do the trick
And bring out proper babies.
Our Mary did it once.
Once was once too many.
Wasn't she a silly dunce?
Did it for a penny.

(Tune: "Pop Goes the Weasel")

*

When the weather's hot and sticky,
Then it's time for dunkin' dickie.
When the frost is on the punkin,
That's the time for dickie-dunkin'.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:21 PM

My favorite for rhyming-it-like-it-is was:

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And one fucking petunia.

I think most all were like that - just a take on a known rhyme, nothing all new. Maybe I'll remember a few more.

Yes, Opie is excellent and Randolph's Pissing in the Snow has a number, too.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Abby Sale
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:30 PM

That last Guest was me, unsigned, for some reason. But now I'm resigned. Ah, many good memories coming back but already posted. We had as a last line for the same Jack & Jill: Did you thing they went up for water?

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her sister.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: ddw
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:51 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill Each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with two and a half Don't think they went up for water


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Hrothgar
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 12:08 AM

Nothing like sectarian bigotry:

From the Catholic school kids to the state (that's public, non-sectarian) school kids -

Catholics, Catholics, ring the bell, While the States march to hell.

The response -

Catholics, Catholics, aitting on a log Eating the belly out of a frog.

There are more. I'll work on it.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,T.C
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 06:58 AM

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Never you mind you nosey Bastard?

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Because he had a square arse!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dharmabum
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 07:32 AM

This was a big hit in 3rd grade.

Scabs Sandwiches

Scabs sandwiches with puss on top
Monkey vomit & elephant snot
Doggy dandruff & cat poo poo
Scabs sandwiches are good for you.

Teacher Teacher I declare
I see teachers underware.

I see Paris I see France
I see teachers underpants.

DB.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Gervase
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 07:59 AM

Mary had a litle pig
And it was always grunting.
She tied it to a five-bar gate
And kicked its little head in

Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
A yard above your knee..

...One red one, one white one,
And one with a bit of shite on,
And the hairs on her dickey-di do
Came down to her knee...



Bloody hell, those came back wafting back down the back passage of my memory like a bad smell!
Micca's right, though - the Opies are the best starting-off point for anything like this.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: running.hare
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:01 PM

"we break up we break, we dont care if school blows up, the'll be no mre english, no more french, no more sitting on the old school bench. If the teacher interfears, hang her up & box her ears, If that does not do the trick, Dinamite will do it Quick. Teacher teacher on the chair, I can see your underwear, Is it black or is it white? Ohh my god it's dinamite."

(the only problem out 1st school teachers had with that was they made us sing "gosh" rather than "god"

I'm sure I'll think of more later :¬)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Ivan
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:22 PM

Jessie McGuire she pee'd in the fire The fire was too wee so she peed in the sea The sea was too wide so she peed in the Clyde And a' the wee fishes swam up her backside

(Scottish early fifties)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:31 PM


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: SharonA
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:32 PM

Variation of "enny-meeny-miney-moe" for choosing the person who will be "It" for a playground game:

(potential "Its" gather in a circle)
My mother and your mother had a big fight.
My mother knocked your mother clean out of sight.
What color blood came out, red or blue?
(At this point, the person to whom the speaker is pointing must choose "red" or "blue")
R-E-D spells red (or B-L-U-E spells blue)
And you are not go-ing to be "It."
(At this point, the person to whom the speaker is pointing leaves the circle and the rhyme starts again)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:33 PM

to: Dharmabum

I see London I see France I see teacher's underpants

Are they blue or are they pink, I don't know but they sure stink!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 09:22 PM

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some castor oil
To pass the time away.....
..But the time it would not pass,
So if you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's......Uncle Charlie, he has a VERY nice Grandfather's clock which keeps perfect time.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: AliUK
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 09:31 PM


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To get a roll of cheese.
Jack came down with a grin on his face
and his trousers round his knees.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 10:30 PM

Sharon, I don't know what part of Philly you grew up in, but in the Northeast in the early 60s we said:

My mother and your mother were hanging out clothes
My mother punched your mother right in the nose
What color was the blood?
(Etc.)

Then there was this one:

Lulu had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Lulu went to heaven
And the steamboat went to
Hello Operator, get me Number 9
If you disconnect me
I'll kick you in the
Behind the refrigerator
There was some broken glass
Lulu stepped upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions
I'll tell you no more lies
Lulu was a Girl Scout
And a Girl Scout never lies.

(I always thought the ending on that one was a bit weak, but that's the way I heard it.)

Aloha,
Mark


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 10:32 PM

Oops, too many line breaks! Sorry.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 12:03 AM

Two Irishmen, two Irishmen were digging in a ditch,
And one called the other a dirty son of a
Peter Murphy, Peter Murphy, sitting on a dock.
Along came a bumblebee and stung him on the
Cocktail, ginger ale, five cents a glass.
If you do not like it, you may ram it up your
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
If you get hit with a pail of shit, please close your eyes.

*Almost* equally weak. %^)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Souter
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 03:40 AM

I always heard
Miss Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell
Miss Mary went to heaven, but the steamboat went to...
but we ended it
Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies
The boys are in the bedroom, Pulling down their
Flies are in the bedroom, bees are in the grass

Not sure how we ended it, my (foster) sister can make it REALLY dirty at the end. Unfortunately, I can't remember the words.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 10:57 AM

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
The doctor gave her Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.
Mary took the Ex-Lax,
But the time it would not pass,
So if you want to know the time,
You can look up Mary's aunt, who has a watch too.

Cf.:

Of all the fishes in the seas,
The strangest is the bass.
It climbs into the tops of trees
And slides down on its hands and knees
To frolic in the grass.

That, however, was probably composed by a grownup.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:51 AM

There goes the PC--

Up we go into the wild blue yonder CRASH!

Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, CRIPPLED!

~S~


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Bluegrass Granny
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:59 AM

Mary had a little lamb She tied him to a heater And every time he turned around He burned his little peter!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 04:52 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
her knickers all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider
That sat down beside her
But little boy blue
with his horn


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Seth from Olympia
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:48 PM

My daughter recently brought home a book from the library entitled "Greasy,Grimy, Gopher Guts" which has all this stuff and more(and more and more....)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Autotaz
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 02:36 AM

Old Mcdonald sittin on a bench,
Beating his meat with a Monkey wrench;
The Monkey wrench slipped and hit him in the Ball,
he peed all over his overalls.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would fuck.

Nobody love me
Everybody Hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
big fat juicy ones
little bitty skinny ones
watch them wiggle and Squirm

The worms crawl in
the worms crawl out
though the stomach
and out the snout
then the eyes turn Glossy Green
and Damn me without a straw!

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch poor rover a bone, but when she bent over rover took over because he had a bone of his own.

I wish I was a wooden boy, a wooden boy, a wooden boy; If I was a wooden boy I be your woody too!

Their onces was a man from Nantucker;
who had a dick so long he could suck it;
He wiped off his chin with a silly grin;
And said, if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Teresa
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:26 AM

Mary had a little lamb, and tied it to the heater
Every time it turned around it burned its little
peter peter pumpkin-eater had a wife and couldn't keep her, etc.

Push the button, turn the crank,
Out comes a German army tank.
Push the button, pull the chain
Out comes a chocolate choo-choo train!

(said faster and faster):
I smart fella; I fella smart.

Tra-la-la boom-dee-ay, I'll scare your pants away,
And while you're standing there, I'll take your underwear.

(to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)"
I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot.
I wear my pink pajamas in the winter when it's not.
And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall,
I crawl between the sheets with nothing on at all!.

This isn't nasty, but I love it. I think it's a Shel Silverstein-ism:
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

Teresa


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fidjit
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:11 PM

Green and Yellow custard
Snot and Bogey pie
All mixed together
With a dead man's eye

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen Mary's little lamb
But, I've never seen her bare.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:14 PM

A modern one from one Richard Digance.

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of Rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie,
When the pie was opened, a shrivelled blackbird spat,
"Oh! come on lads, a joke's a joke, what rotten sod did that?"

Well it made me laugh.

Don T.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Weasel Books
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 04:23 PM

Mother Goose contains more than enough nasty ones. For instance: Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief, Taffy leaned came up to our house and stole a side of beef.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: fogie
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:32 AM

Little boy sits on the lavatory pan,
Slowly caressing his little old man,
Flip flop into the tank,
Christopher Robin is having a

Now we are no longer 6!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:48 AM

A few more remembered from my youth, which don't seem to have been posted yet

Mary had a little lamb
'twas full of fun and frolics
And every time the music played
She kicked it in the      earhole


Jack and Jill went up the hill
There was no-one in the vicinity
Jack came down less half-a-crown
And Jill less her virginity


For US readers, the Crown and Half-Crown were old coins. A Crown was worth a quarter of a Pound sterling, or 5 shillings. Half a crown was worth one eighth of a pound, or two shillings and six pence. It was colloquially known as a half a dollar, because that was its approximate value in the good old days of four dollars to the pound.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: susu
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 07:57 AM

A little bird with a little bill
hopped upon my window sill
I led him in with a piece of bread
Then I crushed his little head!

Late one night
when we were all in bed
Old Lady Leary
Left a Lantern in the shed
and when the cow kicked it over
it winked it's eye and said
"They'll be a hot time in the old town tonight."
"Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!"

(now say it backwards)
Night one late
in bed we were all in
Lady old Leary
Left the shed in the lantern
and when the kick cow'd it over
it's eye and winked and said
they'll be a time hot in the town old tonight
"Erif!" "Erif!" Erif!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:25 AM

Little fly upon the wall
Ain't you got no clothes at all?
Ain't you got no Ma and Pa
Take that, you bastard (action: swat the fly)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Chip2447
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 02:16 PM

when you see a hearse go by
you may be the next to die.
The worms crawl in,
the worms crawl out.
the worms play pinnochle
in your snout.
Your eyes bug out,
Your teeth fall out,
your hair turns into saurkraut.
Yum, yum, gimme a spoon.

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 03:16 PM

Lucy - am I the only one whose curiosity is whetted? Please, let's have the Vampire Named Mabel! Bob


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:43 PM

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare.
---and so was her daughter, I guess!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Carlisle101
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:42 PM

On top of a smoggy,
all covered in sand
I shot my poor teacher
with a red rubber band.

I shot her with pleasure
I shot her with pride
You couldn't have missed her
She was 50 ft wide.

I went to the funeral,
I went to the grave
Some people thrugh flowers
I through a grannade.

Her body whent up
her body whent down
her body whent Splattt
all over the ground.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:55 PM

Mary had a little hen,
She kept it in a bucket.
Cause every time she let it out,
The rooster used to chase it round and round the barnyard, but he never caught it cause that little hen was just too fast!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM

Old mother Hubbard went to th cupboard,
To get the postman a letter,
When she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So they had it without! It was better.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,John, Lancashire
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:05 PM

I took my girlfriend to the station / to see the chuffers shunt. / A piece of coal flew out one day / and hit her in the ... Country girls are very sweet / but also very strict / they put their arms around your waist / and fiddle with your ... Dicky was a bulldog lying in the grass / up came a bumble-bee and stung him on his ... Ask no questions, tell no lies / Have you ever seen a Chinaman buttoning up his ... Flies are a menace, bugs are even worse / and that is the end of this cheeky little verse.

Three German officers in a tank, Parley-voo. Three German officers in a tank, Parley-voo, Three German officers in a tank, Two to drive and one to push, Inky-pinky parley-voo.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:35 PM

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
My husband will be home in 5 minutes!
***
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his girlfriend, Mary
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plumb
And said, "Where the fuck is your cherry?!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Barbara
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 01:40 AM

To the tune of "Joy to the World"

Joy to the world that Santa's dead.
We barbequed his head.
And what about his body?
We flushed it down the potty,
And round and round it goes,
And round and round it goes,
And row-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ownd it goes.

Blessings,
Barbara,
who learned it from her fourth grade daughter.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 10:39 AM

Little boy kneels by the sitting-room fire,

Little face flushed with abnormal desire.

Meow! Meow! Oh, what is that?

Christopher Robin is sodding the cat.

--- Joe Fineman    joe_f@verizon.net

||: When an idea is wanting, a word can always be found to take :||

||: its place.                                                   :||


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Layah
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 12:16 PM

Miss Susie had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
THe steamboat went to heaven
Miss susie went to
Hello operator
Please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me
I'll chop off your
Behind the fridgerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss susie sat upon it
and broke her little
ask me no more questions
I'll tell you know more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their
flies are in the meadow
(I forgot this line)
Miss susies in (fogot this word too)
Kissing in the D A R K D A R K dark dark dark

There was an alternate ending that I also don't remember much of. (?s like a movie, a movie's like a show, a show is like a picture show and that is all I know) That's as suggestive as any of my childhood rhyms got. I'm amazed you got away with songs with actual swearing in them, and things suggestive enough I never would have gotten the joke.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 04:41 PM

Oh mother hubbard went to the cupboard to get Poor rover some bread; But when she bent over rover took over and she got bread instead.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Autotaz
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 04:50 PM

Oh mother hubbard went to the cupboard to get Poor rover some bread; But when she bent over rover took over and she got bread instead.

Messed up.. I didn't quit get my signature on this. It another one I almost forgot!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fliss
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 06:33 PM

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs
Blood on the carpet, and fur on the mat
Christopher Robin's castrated the cat


Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.


Mary had a little lamb
To prove it was not silly
She tossed him up into the air
And caught him by his nose :)


Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief,
Taffy came to our house and stole a leg of beef.
I went to Taffys house Taffy werent at home
He was down the garden chewing on the bone.


fliss xx


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: vectis
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 07:51 PM

Mary had a little lamb
Her daddy shot it dead
And now it goes to school with her
Between two bits of bread

Hey diddle diddle
The cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed to see such fun
So the cat did a little bit more


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fliss
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:00 PM

Donald Duck did a muck
Behind the kitchen door
Mrs Duck wiped it up
And then he did some more


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Macha
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 11:24 PM

Does every one here know the song "Do Your Ears Hang Low?"? The men who origanly sang the song were not singing about their ears.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 10:07 AM

Joe F:

I know that one as:

When the weather's hot and sultry
That's no time to commit adult'ry
But when the frost is on the punkin,
THAT's the time for peter-dunkin!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: annamill
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 03:45 PM

Old one!

A funeral is a gay affair,
with friends and relatives everywhere.
They shut you up in a mahogany box
and cover you up with stones and rocks.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
the worms play pinocle on your snout.


*******************************************8
Speaking of greasy, grimy gopher guts...

in the DT

Great, Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts

Great, Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts
(Tom Glazer)

CHO: Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts,
    Mutilated monkey meat, itty bitty birdie feet.
    Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts,
    And me without a spoon.

Some people eat hamburger meat while others like potatoes,
And some must chew their Irish stew along with ripe tomatoes.
I can't understand why in ev'ry land, they serve such peculiar dishes.
For wherever I go, they always say "No!" when I tell them what my wish is.
I scream for ... (Chorus)

I can pay my way in a French café which is big and quite expensive,
Where the diners dine and the wine is fine, but I'm always apprehensive.
When the menu comes, I twiddle my thumbs at the list of fancy dishes:
Caviar and steaks, champagne and cake, is never what my wish is.
I beg for ... (Chorus)

In the life to come, I intend to hum this hymn to old Saint Peter:
I won't need much, when my harp I touch, and become a heavenly eater.
I won't ask for money or milk and honey, and my voice will never falter
While the trumpets blare on the Golden Stair as I stand at the Shining Altar.
I yell for ... (Chorus)

(Tag:) And me without a spoon! Yuck!
copyright Tom Glazer


Love, Annamill


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,psirusmojo
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 11:14 PM

A little bird with a little bill
landed on my window sill
I lured him in with a piece of bread
Then I crushed his little head!

Then a bigger bird with a bigger bill
landed on my window sill
I lured him in with a piece of bread
then I crushed his bigger head!

Then the biggest bird with the biggest bill
landed on my window sill
I lured him in with a piece of bread
then I crushed his biggest head!

The moral of the story is...
if you got no bread, you get no head!



Roll roll roll a blunt
twist it at the end
light it up and take a puff
then pass it to a friend


old mother hubbard went to the cubbard
to get her dog a bone
when she bent over, rover took over
and had a little bone of his own


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Suz
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 09:22 AM

Can anyone remember the rest of this little gem?

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it was quite silly,
So she threw him in the air
& caught him by his
Willy was a ...

I can't remember the rest!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 09:39 AM

Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
Castrated the other
Hickory dickory dock


Ding Dong Dell
Pussy's in the well
Who put him in?
I did - I hate cats!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 10:16 AM

Macha:

I think you're looking for Sailors' Hornpipe Words

CHEERS

Nigel


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Chris Green
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 02:43 PM

I shot an arrow in the air
It fell to earth I not where...



I lose all my fucking arrows that way!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 02:52 PM

A variation from a rhyme above

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone

As she bent over, Rover he drove her

Cause he had a bone of his own.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Bernard
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 03:10 PM

Mary had a little lamb
The doctor was surprised.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm
He couldn't believe his eyes!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Bonnie
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 05:02 PM

This isn't nasty, it's really kind of sweet. My dad taught me all of these.

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
Out back by the barn where he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs
And that's when he told her she had beautiful
Manners that suited a girl of her charms
A girl that he'd like to take in his
Washing and ironing and then if she did
They could get married and raise lots of

Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.

The girl told the farmer that he'd better stop
'Coz she'd call her father and he'd call a
Taxi and get there before very long
'Coz someone was doing his little girl
Right for a change and that's when he said,
Son if you'll marry you're better off
Single for it is my belief
Marriage will being nothing but

Sweet violets, etc.

Now that you're all going "aw" here's another one my dad taught me.

My Bonnie has tuberculosis
My Bonnie has only one lung
She coughs up her blood in a basket
And dries it and chews it for gum

Dentyne, Dentyne, she dries it and chews it for gum

My grandmother sells prophylactics
She punctures the heads with a pin
My grandfather does the abortions
My god how the money rolls in

Rolls in, rolls in, my god how the money rolls in rolls in

This is to the tune of "Colonel Bogey's March"

Hitler, he only had one ball
Goering had two, but they were small
Himmler was somewhat similar
but Goebbels had no balls at all.

Here's another goody about Hitler

Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Mussolini bit his weenie
Now it doesn't work.

This is to the tune of Freres Jacques:

Marijuana, Marijuana
LSD, LSD
College kids're making it
High school kids're taking it
Why can't we? Why can't we?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,manda
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 12:02 AM

fuck fuck fuck a duck
screw a kangaroo
fingerbang an orangutang
orgy at the zoo


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Ras
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 08:33 AM

Hey diddle diddle, the cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed so much at that
He cocked up his leg and pissed on the cat

School dinners, school dinners
Mushy chips, mushy chips
Soggy semolina, soggy semolina
I feel sick, toilet quick
It's too late, done it on the plate


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 10:19 AM

According to my father, Jewish boys in New York City, ca. 1900, recited

Jesus Christ

Went to scheiss

Behind an apple tree.

A snake came past

And bit him on the ass

And blamed it all on me.

An allegory & two Biblical allusions -- pretty good for naughty boys!

--- Joe Fineman    joe_f@verizon.net

||: Applause makes a good time to fart. :||


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 01:31 PM

Here are two;

have you ever wondered when the hearse goes by
what they do to you when you die?
they wrap you up in a big white sheet
and put you in a hole about 6 feet deep.
the worms crawl in
the worms crawl out
the ants play peanknuckle on your snout
and then you turn a greasy green
and pus comes out like whipping cream
thats why campbells soup tastes mmm-mmm good!

three german officers in a tank
taboo! taboo!
three getman officers in a tank
taboo! taboo!
three german officers in a tank
thats one to drive and two to wank
taboo tabai to-bollocky-i
to-bollocky-i taboo!

they came across a wayside inn
taboo! etc
and pissed on the matt and walked right in...

the landlord had a daughter fair
with golden-brown pubic hair

they dragged her up the ricketey stair
and fucked her till she lay there dead

they dragged her down the backstreet alley
and fucked her back to life again!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,calster
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 09:25 PM

your mother is a ditch who likes to clean her ditch,
because of this she makes a football pitch,
she plays with the lad and fucks you uncle mitch

   haha basteds


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 02:45 PM

mary mary quite contrairy how does your gerden grow i live in a flat you stupid twat so how the fuck should i know

lol we swear alot over in England


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Scorpio
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 08:19 PM

Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was black as soot.
All over Mary's bread and jam
its sooty foot it put.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Nikkiwi
Date: 22 Jun 07 - 06:11 PM

Heres one from down under

Spider spider oh so small
Climbing climbing up the wall
You didn't it'd just been plastered
so now you're stuck - you stupid b*stard

And one we used for "counting out" for teams etc

it, dit, (dog/cow/bull)-shit, you are not it


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,youngest one
Date: 18 Jul 07 - 11:29 PM

They are rhymes for "patty-cake" type games that girls play…

Miss Suzy

Miss Suzy had a steam boat,
The steam boat had a bell,(ding ding)
Miss Suzy went to heaven ,
The steam boat went to…
Hello operator,
Give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me,
Ill kick you from….
Behind the "frigerator" ,
There was a piece of glass,
Miss Suzy sat upon it,
And broke her little…
Ask me no more questions,
Tell me no more lies,
The boys are in the bathrooms,
Zipping up their …
Flies are in the meadows,
The bees are in the park,
Miss Suzy and her boyfriend,
Are kissing in the,
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K
Dark, Dark, Dark


Miss Marry Mack

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack
All Dressed in Black, Black, Black,
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons,
All down her back, back, back,
She asked her mother, mother, mother,
For fifty cents, cents, cents,
To see the elephants, elephants, elephants,
Jump the fence, fence, fence,
They jumped so high, high, high,
They touched the sky, sky, sky,
They never came back, back, back,
Till the fourth of July, July, July.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Cluin
Date: 18 Jul 07 - 11:34 PM

Two Dutchmen, Two Dutchmen
Are swimming in a ditch
One called the other
A dirty son of a...


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,youngest one
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 12:39 AM

you sing this one while placing your hands in the spots or pointing which ever...

Milk, Milk ---> (o)(o)
                \ /
                / \
                /    \
Lemon Aid ---> ( \/ )               
                                    
Around the corner fudge is made,
stick your finger up the hole,
yummy yummy tootsie roll.....
(ewww thats grose I cant believe we sang this shit...)


   "Freak"

you can hit me from the front,
and you can hit me from the back,
I'm a just freak while in the sack......
roll me over,
and filp me up,
fill my mouth just like a cup...
all dressed up,
or in the buff,
just remember I LIKE IT ROUGH!!!!!!!!

Jenn W. 07-07


i totally just made this one on the spot....it may not be for kids to sing... but it is still a good one...I shall add this one to my little book of poems......


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Celtaddict
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 12:53 AM

Our version (Oklahoma, 1950s) of 'Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts' went
Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat, dirty little birdy feet,
Sneezed-up snake snot, bashed in beetle brains,
And me without a spoon (but I got a straw!)
Actually I more often heard 'mutilated monkey meat, petrified parrot urp' which sounded suitably disgusting but did not rhyme. ('Urp' was kid-colloquial for 'vomit')
And we ended all the almost-rhyme ones (--- had a steamboat etc.) with
Behind our icebox is a piece of glass
If you sit upon it, you will cut your
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,
If you don't open up your mouth, you won't catch any flies.
I wonder why all the ones above mention glass but if you sit upon it you will break your [ask]? Cut makes more sense.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 12:54 AM

Probably posted many years past in another thread, circa 1920's, western USA.

If a pig drinks a quart of buttermilk before he starts,
And runs a mile before he farts,
The farther he runs,
The tighter he gets,
How many miles before he .....hmmmmmmmm?

Sincerely,
Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 08:21 PM

Circa early 1960's west coast USA.

When three males are walking, side-by-side down a sidewalk, road, or trail:

Responce between two outermost males:
Hey....Left ball!
Hey....Right ball!
Who's the dick in the middle?

Quickly followed by both outsiders punching "the dick" in the arms.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Edmond
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's man
Couldn't give a FUCK.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow ?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And lots of horse shit.

Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have you got there ?"
"Pies, you daft twat."

Yellow matter custard, green snot pie
All mixed up with a dead dog's eye.
Spread it on a butty, nice and thick
Swallow it down with a cup of cold sick.

Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been ?
I've been up to London to see the Queen.
Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
Pissed on the Queen's carpet, shat on the Queen's chair.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 02:23 PM

Mary had a little lamb
With mint jelly.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And said "Is this seat taken?"

Ching Ching Chinaman
Sittin' on a fence
Tryin' to make a dollar
Out of sixteen cents.

Rich girls wear ruffles on their pants
Poor girls wear them plain
If you don't wear none at all
You should be ashamed.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 02:28 PM

little jack horner sat in the corner
eating an apple pie
he put in his thumb,and pulled out a plum
and said WHATS A F'/;ING PLUM DOING IN AN APPLE PIE


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,lestamore
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 08:20 PM

this has probably been mentioned

miss mary had a steamboat
the steamboad had a bell
miss mary went to heaven
and the steamboat went to..

hello operator
please give me number nine
and if you disconnect me
I'll chop off your..

behind the 'frigerator
there was a peice of glass
miss suzy sat upon it
and it went right up her..

Ask me no more questions
I'll tell you no more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their..

flies are in the city
bees are in the park
and 25 boys and 25 girls
are kissing in the D A R K D A R K Dark

It's dark just like a movie
and a movie's like a show
a show play's on the TV set
and that's not all I know

I also know my mama
I also know my pa
I also know my sister
with the 47 bra!


Gee.. I can't beleive i remembered that


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 05:39 AM

This one comes from Half Man Half Biscuit:

Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were astounded
And everywhere that Mary went
Gynecologists surrounded.

And this is from Maurice Condie:

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for swim in a pond
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in the water
And says "you can't swim here, it's private."


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: goatfell
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 07:17 AM

that last one sounds like one of the goons would say


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 07:32 AM

Mary had a little lime
And then a little gin
And everywhere that Mary went
She didn't know she'd bin
................

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
I've also seen her bear
..................

(Following a belch at the dinner table - a South Wales rhyme)

Pardon me for being so rude
It was not me, it was my food
And if I did not make amends
It would come out the other end
......................

(Another South Wales rhyme, upon seeing a plate of delicious food)

Yum yum
Pig's bum!
.......................


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Snuffy
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM

Mick, I've always heard it as:

Pardon me for being so rude
It was not me, it was my food
It just popped up to say "hello"
And now it's gone back down below.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Edmond
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 08:23 AM

Yankee Doodle went to town
On a cart and pony.
He let a fart that split the cart
And paralysed the pony.

Ann Maguire pissed in the fire
The fire was too hot so she pissed in the pot.
The pot was too round so she pissed on the ground.
The ground was too hard so she pissed in the yard.
The yard was too fat so she pissed on the cat -
The cat ran away with the piss on its back.

Davy Crockett built a rocket.
The rocket went "Bang !"
His balls went "Clang !"
And he found his prick in his pocket.

Considering it was a Catholic school . . .


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Edmond
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 11:24 AM

To the tune of 'These Foolish Things'

A wanky hankie in a London taxi ;
A pair of underpants gone hard and waxy
And how they cling - these foolish things, etc

The dirty laughter from the gents' urinals
The quack abortionist who'd failed his finals

The foetid odour of a used French letter ;
A dose of clap that simply won't get better
And how it stings, etc

And when you stripped off in the bedroom after
I saw your tits and pissed meself with laughter
For how the left one swings, etc


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,ifor
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 12:29 PM

Taffy was a welshman
Taffy was a thief
Taffy came to our house
And stole a leg of beef

I went to Taffy's house
Taffy was not at home
...
cant remember the rest!!!!

ifor


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Snuffy
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 06:58 PM

....

I went to Taffy's house
Taffy was in bed
So I picked up a hammer
And whacked him on the head


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Spider EyeZz
Date: 03 Aug 07 - 12:56 AM

Here R Some


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
Hey diddle, diddle
The cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock




HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
the cow jumped over the moon the
little dog barfed to see such fun and ate it all up with a spoon




POST MAN PAT
Postman pat,
Postman pat,
Postman pat ran over his cat, blood and gut were flying
Postman pat was crying
That will teach him not to drink and drive





1000 STICKS OF DYNAMITE SITTING ON A WALL        
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall...
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall




HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's man
Couldn't give a FUCK 2 put him 2 gether again




Roses are red viliots are blue they don't stink but you do




NOW THIS ONES A BIT LONG BUT IT KINDA FUNNY

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY
There was an old lady who swallowed a poo i do not know why she swallowd that POO purhaps she'll spew,

There was an old lady who swallowed a DUNNY that flushed N gushed N made her smell funny she swallowd the DUNNY 2 catch the POO i do not know why she swallowd that POO purhaps she'll spew,

There was an old lady who swallowed a PLUMMER could you get any dummer 2 swallow a PLUMMER she swallowd the PLUMMER 2 fix the DUNNY that flushed N gushed N made her smell funny she swallowd the DUNNY to catch the POO i do not know why she swallowd that POO purhaps she'll spew,

There was an old lady who burped with great force she spude of corse

LOL Hope This Is Funny


ALWAYS

SPIDER_EYEZZ


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 03 Aug 07 - 01:59 AM

"Taffy was a welshman
Taffy was a thief
Taffy came to our house
And stole a leg of beef..."

The nursery rhyme is derived from the Normans who invaded Wales, drove the Welsh back to the hills and occupied the fertile land. The Welsh resisted and formed raiding parties, carrying off the Normans' cattle and food to the safety and protection of the hills. One notable raider was Ifor Bach, who who lived above Caerffili and staged successful raids on the land around Cardiff. So now you know!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,FuBar
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:27 PM

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear (/bare)

Mary had a little blouse
'twas tatterd all to bits
And everywhere that Mary went
It showed her little tits!

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right up the front
And everywhere that Mary went
... She had to sit down all the time. (Yeah right.)

Mary's lamb had foot'n'mouth
Her father went and shot it
But Mary's dad had shagged the lamb
And now her mother's got it!

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleace was covered in lard
And every step that Mary took
She slipped back half a yard.

Old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to fetch her dog Rover a bone,
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.


Here's an 'Arkalah' song (spelling?) I remember from 'Scouts. Substitute 'Arkalah' with anyone you hate provided it's 3 sylables:

On top of old Smokey
All covered in mud,
There was Arkalah
All covered in blood;

A knife through her belly
An axe in her head,
(missing words here, possibly "it wasn't long before")
I knew she was dead;

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave,
Some people threw flowers
I lobbed a grenade!

And she went up, up, up
And then she came down, down, down
(more missing words, possibly "then she made a big hole")
Right in the ground.

I had a funny feeling
She wasn't quite dead...
So I got my Bazooka
And blew off her head!


I got more, but this post is long enough for now. I'll send more later, probably.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,FuBar
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:37 PM

Here's more, as promised, and "it's a doozey":

The masterful Taboo song as heard on coach-journeys for things like school-trips etc. (Also known as "Three German Officers")

The tune (In case you hadn't worked it out) is "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".

Enjoy!:

Three German Officers in a tank, taboo, taboo,
Three German Officers in a tank, taboo, taboo,
Three German Officers in a tank, one to drive and two to w*nk,
Taboo, tabaye, tab*llockyeye, tab*llockyaye, taboo.

Three German Officers crossed the line, taboo, taboo,
Three German Officers crossed the line, etc
Three German Officers crossed the line to rape the women and drink the wine,
Taboo, tabaye, etc

They Stopped off at a way-side inn, etc
They stopped off at a way-side inn, etc
They stopped off at a way-side inn, knocked on the door and kicked it in,
Taboo etc.

The landlord had a maiden fair, etc
The landlord had a maiden fair, etc
The landlord had a maiden fair, with great big tits and long blonde hair,
taboo etc

They dragged her up the rickety stairs, etc
They dragged her up the rickety stairs, etc
They dragged her up the rickety stairs, by her single pubic hair,
Taboo etc.

They tied her down on to the bed, etc
They tied her down on to the bed, etc
They tied her down on to the bed, s*agged her hard until she was dead (told you it was twisted)
Taboo etc

The Padre thought it was a shame, etc
The Padre thought it was a shame, etc
The Padre thought it was a shame, and ******ed her back to life again.

Three German Officers they got shot, etc
Three German Officers they got shot, etc
Three German Officers they got shot, two in the head and one in the c*ck,
Taboo etc

Three German Officers went to hell, etc
Trhee German Officers went to hell,
Three German Officers went to hel, ******ed the Devil and his wife as well,
Taboo, tabaye, tab*llockyaye, tab*llocky eye, taboo!


I also found this alternative version which is quite similar:

Taboo (Three German Officers):

Three German officers in a tank, taboo, taboo Three German officers in a tank, taboo, taboo Three German officers in a tank, One to drive and two to wank

Chorus: Taboo, Tab-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Taboo Singing Nah, nah,nah,nah, rice krispies every day Get in, get out, stop fu**ing about, get in, get out of the rain

Three German officers crossed the rhine, taboo, taboo Three German officers crossed the rhine, taboo, taboo Three German officers crossed the rhine, raped the women and drank the wine

Chorus

They came accross a wayside inn, taboo, taboo x2 They came accross a wayside in, pissed on the cat and walked right in

Chorus

The landlord had a daughter fair, taboo, taboo x2 The landlord had a daughter fair, the biggest tits and long blond hair.

They took her up the rickety stairs, taboo, taboo(x2), they took her up the rickety stairs, and pulled out all her long blond hairs

Chorus

They tied her to the end of the bed, taboo, taboo(x2), they tied her to the end of the bed, and shagged her till she was nearly dead

They took her down the leafy lane, taboo, taboo(x2), they took her down the leafy lane, and shagged her back to life again

Chorus

The land lord had a trusty gun, taboo, taboo x2 The landlord had a trusty gun, shot the barstards one by one

Chorus

(Sung slowly but speeds up quickly at the end of the verse) Three german officers went to hell, Taboo, Taboo x2 - (Sung slowly) Three german officers went to hell (the next bit sung fast) shagged the devils wife as well

Chorus Taboo, Tab-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Taboo Singing Nah, nah,nah,nah, rice krispies every day Get in, get out, stop fu**ing about, get in, get out of the rain


Sadly I can't claim I remembered the song verbatum, I cheated and found it online somewhere. Figured you guyz/galz would like it all the same.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,FuBar
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:50 PM

Yup, me again. This time with requests:

Does anyone know the 'hornpipe' parody lyrics?
I can start it from memory, who can complete it?

Do yer balls hang low
Do you swing 'em to-and-fro
Can ya tie 'em in a knot
Can ya tie 'em in a bow
Do ya get a funny feeling when yer hanging from the ceiling...
(unable to remember final line of verse.)

Unable to remember further verses either, or potential chorus.


Oh, and the good-old Fraggle-Rock theme wasn't immune either:

Down at Fraggle-Rock
Grab a Fraggle by it's cock
Chuck 'im in the air
Catch 'im by 'is pubic-hair
Swing 'im round yer head
Make sure the fucker's dead!

Grab another one,
Shove a chainsaw up it's bum
(Can't remember this line)
Down at Fraggle-Rock!

There may be further verses too, perhaps someone else remembers?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Celtaddict
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:53 PM

Rice Krispies? This 'storyline' sounds as if it was from World War II; were they making Rice Krispies then? I thought breakfast cereal was a post-WWII product.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Sep 07 - 01:34 AM

You take the hatchet and I'll take the saw
And we'll chop off the head of my mother-in-law


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Pat
Date: 29 Sep 07 - 05:39 PM

This is bringing back some memories. Here's a couple...

Georgie Best, superstar
He wears frilly knickers
And a brand new bra

..........

We three kings of Orient are
One in a taxi
One in a car
One on a scooter
Beeping his hooter
Following Ringo Starr

.........

Does anybody remember the rest of - Ooh ahh I lost my bra and left my knickers in my boyfriend's car?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Susan B
Date: 29 Sep 07 - 07:11 PM

The Georgie Best one was sung around Manchester in the late 60s as:-

Georgie Best
Superstar
Walks like a woman
And wears a bra.

Anyway, my daughter inadvertently composed her own nasty rhyme at the tender age of 3. I hadn't realised that the tunes of "I had a little nutmeg" and Goosie Goosie Gander" were the same. She had muddled these up and added a dose of the book "The Little Postman", resulting in:-

I had a little postman
But nothing would he bear
So I took him by the nutmegs
And threw him down the stairs

That one went down really well at playgroup - I think they were ready to send out Social Services to us!

Night, night

Susan B


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: bubblyrat
Date: 30 Sep 07 - 05:22 AM

It"s " You"ll never be a sailor if your balls hang low "-----also, it"s " Do you get a funny feeling when you bang them on the ceiling ?".---- or it was in 1963, anyway !!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: kendall
Date: 30 Sep 07 - 07:08 AM

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at her garter
The other was smarter
Hickory Dickory Dock.

When I was in the service, we were all standing at attention for Captain's inspection. He was a stone faced old bastard and brooked no nonsense.
I was in the front rank, and just as he approached, a guy behind me said in a barely audible voice:

"There was an old womam who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children her **** fell off." (* I hate that word)
Guess who caught the Captain's attention?

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she diodn't know what to do,
Obviously.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Rock Girl Lily
Date: 30 Sep 07 - 11:55 PM

heres one

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on granny
hit a rock and lost his cock
and now hes got a fanny.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 01 Oct 07 - 11:43 AM

We three kings from orient are
Smoking on a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 07 - 11:49 AM

Lets try that again without hitting the tab key.

We three kings from orient are
Smoking on a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded
(pause)
We two kings from orient are, etc.


Comet, it makes your teeth turn green
Comet, it tastes like vaseline
Comet, it makes you vomit,
So use Comet, and vomit, today


If your with your honey
And her nose is runny
And you think it's funny
Don't laugh 'cause it's snot


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,james henaghan
Date: 09 Oct 07 - 05:56 AM

a yellow bird
came walking by
i coached him in
with a pice of bread
and i kicked that bastard in the head

a puppy dog
came walking by
i coached him in
with a piece of beef
and i kicked that bastard in the tteath

a prostitute
came walking by
i coached her in
with a five pound note and i shoved my cock rite doown her throat

a little lamb
came walking by
i coached it in
with a pice of grass
and i shoved my cock rite up its ass


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,*^^*aussie*^^*
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 06:46 PM

Ok duno where all u ppl r from but here's 2 i'v grown up with in AUS!!!!!


MARY had a little lamb
she thought it rather silly
she threw it up in the air
and cought it by it's
WILLY was a bulldog sitting in the grass
down came a bee and stung him up the
ASK no questions tell no lies i saw
two police men doing up their
FLIES are dirty fleas are worse
this is the end of my dirty little verse!!

          AND........


Mary had a little skirt
twas split right up the sides
and every time that mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
and every time that mary walked
the boys could see her C*#@


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fred Maslan
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 08:47 PM

Algy met a bear
The bear met Algy.
The bear was bulgy
And the bulge was Algy.

Bessy met a Bus
And the bus met Bessy.
The bus was messy
And the mess was Bessy.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Nanny Joe
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 02:14 PM


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Banjo Willy
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 02:18 PM

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she could accommodate a rain barrel.

Peas porridge hot,
Peas porridge cold,
Peas porridge in the pot,
Nine days old.
THAT'S pretty pees poorage.

There was a young lad and his name was Billy.
He leapt over a candle and burnt his willy.
How silly.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,George Henderson
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 10:57 AM

Old mother Reilly she got drunk/
and fell in the fire and burnt her rump/
She gave the kids a copper a piece/
to rub her old arse with candle grease.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Taliesin
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 10:13 AM

Here are a few. Most from Rhodesia in the sixties.

I took my girl to the station
to see the white train shunt.
A piece of steel
flew off the wheel
and hit her in...
The country boy from Germany
was sitting on a rock.
A bumblebee
Flew off the trees
and stung him on the...
Coctails and ginger ale
are hapenny a glass.
If you do not like them,
you can stick them up your...
Ask your mother for sixpence
to sing this song by heart.

Jack is nimble.
Jack is quick.
But Jill prefers
the candlestick.

The last one is an Irish protestant hate speech playground song.

My old man's an orangeman, no Fenian can deny.
He loves to fly the orange flag the first day of July.
He looks a lovely picture,
Marching with the rope.
He'd like to march right on to Rome and hang the fucking pope.

I do not in any way endorse the above, but found it pertinent to your thread.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Jammy
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 12:33 AM

Okay:
Jack was nimble Jack was quick and put out the candle stick.
Mary tried and she wasn't slick, falling down it inserted like a dick


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Jamjam
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 09:22 PM

Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack
Ate food and blick blick blick blick
She told her mother mother mother
It taste like dick dick dick
She went outside side side
To puke away way way
Then came Jack Jack Jack
And f**cked her all day day day


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,anom
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 01:36 AM

country girls are pritty u should c dem dance wen they lift their legs up high u can see their micky was a bullfrog sitting on a rock along came a bumble bee and stung him on his cocktails and ginger ale 50 c a glass if u dont like it u can kiss my ask me no questions tell me no lies i saw 2 coppers doin u der flies are a newsence misquetos are worse this is the end of my dirty lil verse


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fidjit
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 12:03 PM

Cor that was a lot. Couldn't be bothered to go through them all. One I remember from my school days is :

Green and Yellow Custard
Snot and Boggey Pie
All Mixed Together
With A Dead Mans Eye.

I think the girls used to skip rope to that one.
Chas


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 08 - 04:32 AM

Chas,

There's a bit more to your rhyme. I remember it as:

Yellow belly custard
Green snot pie
All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
Spread it on a butty*
Spread it nice and thick
And wash it down with a cold cup of sick

DC

*For those who don't know butty = sandwich


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,droptine
Date: 21 Aug 08 - 03:36 PM

jack and jill wentup the hill
each with a buck and a quarter
jill came down with two fifty
what a whore!

little boy blew, cause he needed the money!

little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and said, "whats it the bowl bitch!!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: goatfell
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 09:27 AM

Mary had a little lamb
the farmer shot it dead
and now she takes it to school with her
between two bits of bread


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 07:57 AM

Hey, diddle, diddle!
    The cat done a piddle,
over the bathroom mat;
    The little dog laughed
    To see such fun,
so he piddled all over the cat.

-----------------------------

Mary had a little lamb,
And the midwife
Nearly died when she seen it.
-----------------------------

There was a young girl called Breige?
Who let a fart, when she sneezed?
It hit off the wall, then went up to the sky,
And came right down, and hit her in the eye.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Oct 08 - 02:19 PM

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it rather silly
She threw it up into the air and caught it by its
Willy was a bulldog sitting in the grass
Along came a bee and stung him on his
Ask no questions tell no lies
I saw a policeman pulling up his
Flies are a nusance, bee's are worse
This is the end of my little verse


Ooh! Aah! Ive lost my bra, I left it in my boyfriends car!


Kermit the frog got a smack in the gob,
For messing around with Miss Piggy
He pulled down her knicks
And squeezed her big tits
And now shes got three little piggies!


Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And everytime the lamb cried out
The bulldog used to fuck it!

Eeny meenie miney mo one:

There goes the monkey
running through the country
fell down a dark hole
Split his little arsehole
What colour was the bloody blood?


There was a vampire called Mabel
Whose periods where very unstable
Every full moon she'd pull out a spoon
And drink herself under the table!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Grimduke
Date: 05 Oct 08 - 04:19 PM

I remember this little anti-school dinners song...

say what you will school dinners make you ill,
the english armies gonna win the war,
our school dinn-dinn's comes from pig bins out of town!

Sung to the original tune of Jack Hargreaves Out of Town.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,d_j_yotta
Date: 07 Oct 08 - 05:47 PM

Sang to glory glory Hallelujah:

mine eyes have seen the glory of the downfall of the school
We have (missing word) all the teachers and we've broken every rule
We broke in to the office and we tickled the principle

Our truth is marching on

Glory glory how peculiar
teacher hit me with a ruler
'cause i bopped her on the bean
with a rotten tangerine

our truth is marching on
--

We three kings of orient are
trying to smoke a rubber cigar
it was loaded it expoded
now we're on yonder star
--

My mum told me this one, so must have been around late 60's early 70's:

Hot snot and goobie pie
all mixed up with a dead man's eye
mix it thick with an old man's stick
and drink it quick with a cup of sick
---

this one was popular late 80's early 90's:

i'm going to the loo loo loo
you can come too too too
i'm gonna do a poo poo poo
how about you?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,coolguy
Date: 13 Oct 08 - 03:15 AM

Postman Spew
Postman Spew
Postman Spew and his black and white poo
he flushed it down the dunny
but then he felt all funny
then he just comited suicide


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,barttheanorak
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 05:50 AM

Reminds me of

Mary had a little lamb
Thought it rather silly
Chucked it up into the air
And caught it by its-

Willie was a watchdog
Lying in the grass
Along came a bumblebee
And stung him up his-

Ask no questions
Tell no lies
Ever seen a policeman
Doing up his-

Flies are a nuisance
Bees are worse
And that's the end
Of my silly little verse


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:58 AM

Jack be quick, Jack be nimble
Jack jumped over a phallic symbol


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 08:51 AM

oh dear!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Jessie Lou
Date: 16 Nov 08 - 08:35 PM

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it fat and plastered,
When the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


Mary had a little lamb
a little beef
a little ham
some fried chicken
and a little fish
Mary is a big fat bitch!


Little Miss Muffett
Spat in a bucket
while eating my curds and whey,
I came like a tiger
and shot off inside her
now Miss Muffett won't play.


Little Jack Horno
Was watching a porno
While eating his girlfriend out
He stuck in his tongue
and made the bitch cum
SURPRISE she's a squirter.


Gorgy Porgy pudding a pie
Fucked his girlfriend till she died
then he ate her dried up snatch
Gorgy's a fucking necrophiliac


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke some marijuana
Jack got high
unzipped his fly
and said 'do you wanna?'
Jill said yes
and dropped her dress
then they had some fun
stupid Jill forgot the pill
NOW they have a son


Hey diddle diddle
the cat took a piddle
all over the bedside clock
the little dog laughed to see such a thing,
the cat has a little cock


Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candle stick
Now Jacks in the hospital with a burnt fucking dick!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 04:41 PM

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dumb arse!'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary had a little lamb
She called it Baby Abby
They burned it in a great big pit
Cos its mouth and feet were scabby


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 04:58 PM

Jack & Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half,
They didn't go after water!

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub,
Does that make a menage-a-trois?
And if they're rub-dubbing,
While doing their tubbing,
Let's hope they omit the ben-wa's.

Hi diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow got shagged on the moon...

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells,
And one friggin' petunia!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children,
She set a Guinness record for her episiotomy


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 21 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM

Little Boy Blue, come blow up your horn !
The sheep's in the meado, the cow's in the corn !
Where's the little boy who looks after the sheep ?
He's under the haystack shagging Bo-Peep.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,DD
Date: 04 Jun 09 - 09:54 PM

There are (used to be?) more verses to

My grandmother sells prophylactics,
She punctures the heads with a pin,
And Grampa does bathtub abortions,
My god how the money rolls in!
Rolls in, etc

There were lots more ways to make the money roll in, but I can't remember . . .


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 08 Jun 09 - 05:52 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with cum in her mouth
You think they went up for some water?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Ring-a-ring-of-roses
From: GUEST,A. Clay
Date: 10 Jun 09 - 01:17 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill.
They both had a buck-and-a-quarter.
Jill came down with two-fifty.
They didn't go up for no water.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,joe
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 10:29 PM

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off
His fuckin' dick.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 10:52 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter jill came down with two fifty oh that fucking whore


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: theman
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 11:22 PM

Yankee doodle went to town riding on a heater.
He accidently switched it on and scorched his little wiener.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Uly
Date: 27 Jun 09 - 12:04 PM

"There are (used to be?) more verses to

My grandmother sells prophylactics,
She punctures the heads with a pin,
And Grampa does bathtub abortions,
My god how the money rolls in!
Rolls in, etc

There were lots more ways to make the money roll in, but I can't remember . . . "

My mother sings

"My father makes book on the horses
My mother makes second-hand gin
My sister makes love with the sailors
My god how the money rolls in!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Dr G
Date: 02 Aug 09 - 08:17 PM

This is from the infamous Andrew Dice Clay

Mary had a little lamb she kept in her back yard
When she pulled her panties down his wooly dick got hard


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Subject: SKIP ROPE - Michael Jackson Game
From: GUEST,Professor Al
Date: 29 Aug 09 - 10:25 PM

Mi-chael Jack-son,
Looking for some ac-tion,
brought a bunch of boys to the Neverland Ranch...

Did a little dance,
Pulled down their pants,
How many boys did he bring to the Ranch?

(double-time) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ...(continue 'til you miss)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fidjit
Date: 30 Aug 09 - 02:58 AM

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bare

Chas


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 12:25 PM

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick her fanny...
He got a shock
And a faceful of cock
'Cause Jill was really a tranny!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 12:02 AM

how about...

boys are cheats and liars they're such a big disgrace,
they will tell you anything to get to second
BASE-ball, baseball he thinks he's gonna score,
if you let him go all the then you are a
WHORE- tocolrist studies flowers, geologist studies rocks,
all guys really want is a place to put their
COCK-roaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs,
nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of
JUG-glers and acrobats, and a dancing bear name chuck,
all guys really want to do is "forget it no such luck!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Me
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 06:58 PM

On top of Mt Fuji,
All covered in sand,
I shot poor old Barney
With a rubber band

I shot him with triumph,
I shot him with pride,
I couldn't have missed him,
He's forty foot wide.

I went to his funeral,
I went to his grave,
Some people threw roses,
I threw a grenade,

I opened his coffin,
He wasn't quite dead,
I got a bazooka,
And blew up his head!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,jason
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 02:14 AM

little miss muffet
sat on her tuffet
eatin her curds and whey
along came a spider
sat down beside her
pulled out his dick
and said eat this you bitch


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Preston Green
Date: 19 Feb 10 - 06:27 PM

Abe Lincoln was a good ole man

He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand

said 'scuse me ladies just doing my duty

so drop your pants and give me your booty!!!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Feb 10 - 06:45 PM

Mary had a rooster, she also had a duck
She put them on the windowsill
To see if they would dance and sing...

The duck began to waddle and the rooster had a fit
He jumped into a bucket that was
Full of poodle hair and stuff...

The poodle came a-running to see what had gone wrong
He tripped over the bannister and
Twisted off his collarchain...

The rooster broke out laughing
To see the poodle fall
The duck jumped off the windowsill
And pecked off BOTH his licenses...

The poodle, in a fury, tried to tear the duck to bits
The rooster lost his head and tried to hide in Mary's
Chest of drawers...

The poodle chased the duck all round the house
From back to front
The rooster and the duck both tried to hide
In Mary's jewelry box...

Now Mary's had them stuffed
And she keeps them on the shelf
And if that's not enough for you...
Then go get stuffed yourself!



**** (I love envisioning the final scene. A thoroughly disgruntled Mary tides up the damage wrought upon her once-tidy abode by her 3 crazed pets, while sitting mutely on the shelf we see...a hysterical looking stuffed rooster, a lasciviously grinning stuffed duck, and a stuffed poodle with a look of shock and outrage recorded for posterity on its fuzzy and frantic face.)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,over 9000 thousand
Date: 11 Jun 10 - 12:47 AM

Three blind mice
three blind mice
where the fuk do they go!!!


jack be little
jack be quick
jack umped over the candle stick
and burned
the tip of his dick


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Jun 10 - 06:32 PM

Jack be quick,
Jack be nimble,
Jack jump over
The phallic symbol.

*Not* composed in a nursery.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Paul Burke
Date: 11 Jun 10 - 06:38 PM

The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he had them all again.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 22 Jun 10 - 03:17 AM

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot the shepherd


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jul 10 - 04:40 PM

OLD UNCLE NED HAD A OLD BALD HEAD
AND HAD NO EYES TO SEE,
HAD NO TEETH TO CRACK CORNCAKE,
SO HE HAD TO LET THE CORN CAKE BE.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jul 10 - 04:47 PM

YOU PEANUT BUTTER,MOTHER FUCKER, TWO BALLED BITCH. YOUR MOTHERS IS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING RED HOT SHIT,
YOUR DADDYS IN JAIL
YOUR BROTHERS IN HELL.
AND YOUR SISTER IS ON THE CORNER,
YELLING PUSSY FOR SELL!!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Patsy Warren
Date: 21 Jul 10 - 06:42 AM

Build a bonfire build a bonfire
Put the teachers on the top
Put old Jenkins in the middle(the name of teacher or head hated most)
And burn the fucking lot. (sorry)


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Nov 10 - 07:42 AM

jack and jill went up the hill,
for a thrill,
la la lalalala laaa.

jill came down with A baby girl,
whilst jack was feeling like he would hurl

poor jacks dick,
jill would often lick,
was so damaged that now it started to click

bloody jill you made jack go sterile,
but you still spread your legs to him whilst drifting down the River Nile!

Jill is a big tramp now...she must do it allllll the time


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest: Rap Song
Date: 13 Nov 10 - 10:01 AM

Mary had a little Lamb
She tied him to the heater
Everytime he turned around
He burned his little peter
Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her
Put her in a pumpkin shell and blew her all to
Hello operator, connect me number nine
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Ding, Dong Avon's here
Just behind the fridgerator
Tommy broke some glass
Slipped and fell while cleaning and cut his little
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you know lies...


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,The late Douglas O.
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 01:20 AM

Two dutchmen, two dutchmen, digging in a ditch, one called the other a dirty son of a peter murphy had a dog, a darned dog he'd be, gave it to the neibor lady to keep her company, she taught it, she taught it, she taught it how to jump, it jumped right in her pantie hose and bit her on, two country boys from canada were sitting on a log, along came a bumble bee and stung em on the cocktail gingerale five cents a glass if you don't like it you can kiss my ask me no questions i'll tell you no lies if you ever get hit with a bucket of shit be sure to close your eyes!!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,An old Marine
Date: 06 Jan 11 - 10:24 AM

Mag mag the dirty sag, the slippery slimy slut, between her thighs green fungus lies and worms crawl out her butt, before it'd fuck that dirty bitch and suck those pusy tit's I'd drink a gallon of after-birth and swim in liquid shit


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 06 Jan 11 - 11:24 PM

Sing a song of syphillis
a penis full of pus
four and twenty harlots
f*cking in a bus
when the scabs were opened
(I forget, bugga. I'm not as good as I once was, but i'm as good once as I ever was.)

Little miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey,
along came a spider and sat beside her
and She said "F*ck off Hairy Legs."

Rose's are red, Violet's are blue,
and Mary isn't wearing any!

Feeling rude in the nude was Miss Prim
when she went down to the river for a swim
'till a man in a punt
stuck an oar in her eye
and now she has to wear glasses


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 04:49 PM

Jack and jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana
jack got high unzipped his fly and asked jill if she wanna
jill said yes then dropped her dress and then they had some fun
stupid jill forgot her pill and know they have a son.

twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you r
shine upon the parking lot
as i eat my girlfriends twat

georgie porgie puddin pie blew his load on his girlfriends eye
and when her eye was clean and shut
georgie fucked that one eyed slut

hickory dickory dock some chick was sukin my cock the clock struck 2 i dropped my goo and i dumpped that bitch at the next stop.

humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore
humpty dumpty fucked her some more
all the kings horses and all the kings men
bent that bitch over and fucked her again.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 08 Nov 11 - 08:40 PM

i thought it went
Jack and jill went up the hill to fetch some marijuana
jack got high and unzipped his fly
and asked jill if she wanna
jill said yes and droped her dress
just to have some fun
but stupid jill forgot the pill and now they have a son


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,GUESTGUEST
Date: 30 Apr 12 - 05:52 PM

Bacon is bacon
eggs are eggs
don't let a man
between your legs.

he says you're cute
he says you're fine
but 9 mon. later
he says,"It's not mine".

Heard this at school.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,i'm normal thanx
Date: 20 Jun 12 - 05:03 PM

I took my sister for a walk, to see the train go shunt! A piece of wood fell off the ride, and hit her in the... .....COUNTRY girls are pretty, they lay upon the the grass; Stick their heads between their legs and whistle up their.... .....AUNTY Mary had a canary, also had a duck; Took em behind the kitchen door, and taught em how to.... .....FRY eggs & bacon,also pour the tea; The more you eat,the more you drink the more you want to.... .....PEEETER was in the boat, the boat began to rock peter fell out the boat & sliced off his.... .....COCKADoodledoo it's got nufin to do with you, So go home, play with your own, And paddle your own canoe..!!!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 07:48 PM

roses are red violets areblack why is your chest as flat as your back


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 08:27 PM

We three kings of Orient are
One in a taxi, one in a car
One on a scooter blowing his tooter
Following yonder star

Oh star of wonder, star of light
Stuff your pants with dynamite
Light the fuse and off we go
All the way to Mexico


Version 1

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the grass
The angel of the Lord came down
And fell on her big a***

Version 2

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC

Elvis Presley
Girls are sexy
Back of the bus
Drinking pepsi
Had a baby
Called it Daisy
Had a twin
Called it Tim.

First person: I am the greatest!
Everyone else: Not in the latest!
                Under! Over!
                Pepsi! Cola!
                Kill the boys!

(originally it was 'kick the boys.')

'When Susie was' - one of my favourites

When Susie was a baby,
A baby Susie was
She went like this -
Waaa! Waaa! Waaa!

When Susie was a toddler
A toddler Susie was
She went like this -
Scribble, scribble, scribble

When Susie was a schoolgirl
A schoolgirl Susie was
She went like this -
Miss! Miss! I can't do this
I got my knickers in a great big twist!

When Susie was a teenager
A teenager she was
She went like this -
Oo! Aah! I lost my bra
I left my knickers in my boyfriend's car!

When Susie was a mother
A mother Susie was
She went like this -
Boys! Boys! Stop that noise!

When Susie was a grandma
A grandmother she was
She went like this -
Knit, knit, knit, knit

When Susie was great grandma
A great grandma she was
She went like this -
Rock, rock, rock, rock

When Susie was a pile of bones
A pile of bones she was
She went like this -
Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle

When Susie was a ghost
A ghost Susie was
She went like this -
Woooh! Woooh! Woooh!

When Susie was a goblin
A goblin Susie was
She went like this -
*crafty snicker*

When Susie was no more
No more Susie was
She went like this -


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Huck
Date: 09 Aug 12 - 12:42 AM

I can't believe nobody posted this one yet:

"Folks who write on bathroom walls
Roll their turds in little balls.

Then those who read their words of wit,
Eat the little balls of sh*t."

This one's a lot rarer, and incomplete:

"Slippery slimy Sue,
upon whose legs green fungus grew.
Before I'd climb her scabby thighs,
and suck her festering tits,
I'd drink a gallon of vulture vomit
and die of the drizzling sh*ts."

I had a grade school friend who could rattle
off verse after verse of "Slippery Slimy Sue",
but years later he was killed in VietNam. I've
wished since then I had written it all down.
R.I.P. Cpl Mike McCarty!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 09 Aug 12 - 04:37 AM

Inky pinky
Bottle of ink
Oh, how you do stink!
(:-( P)=


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 12:57 AM

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was black as charcoal
and every time that she bent down
it fucked her up the arsehole!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 04:06 PM

Quoted by W. H. Auden from his childhood:

As shepherds watched their flocks by night,
All shitting on the ground,
An angel of the Lord came down
And handed paper round.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Mar 13 - 12:12 AM

Mary had a little lamb,
his legs were black as charcoal,
every time he wagged his tail,
flames shot out his arsehole.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,downunder
Date: 21 May 13 - 09:17 AM

A girls' skipping song from Australia, early 1970s.

At this time, Paul's Ice Cream was trying to make out that their product was a health food because it contained milk. They called it "The Health Food of the Nation". Aaah, the 1970s.

The school girls skipping were not fooled (Carlton Bitter=beer)

Carlton Bitter, Carlton Bitter
Carlton Bitter, can or glass
Beer's the health food of the nation
stick the ice cream up your arse

Who needs advertising standards boards?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Airymouse
Date: 21 May 13 - 08:44 PM

Get up get up you lazy sinner
We need sheets for the tablecloth
and it's damn near time for dinner
Pretty tame huh? Actually the real "Mary Mary quite contrary" is nastier than anything listed here and a good deal grimmer.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Mark
Date: 22 May 13 - 01:27 PM

Gene, Gene, made a machine
Joe, Joe, made it go
Art, Art, let a fart
And blew the whole damn thing apart.

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a turtle
Turned the corner just in time
To see a lady's girdle.

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated round the tub
A bar of Ivory soap fell down
And they began to scrub.

He had an apartment in front
And she had a flat behind.

And from Allan Sherman:

On top of old Smokey
All covered with hair
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey the bear.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Duchess Cheeky
Date: 17 Jul 14 - 02:59 AM

My mother and your mother were digging in a ditch.
My mother called your mother a big fat son of a
Pitch me out the window, I landed on a rock.
Along came a bumble bee and stung me on my
Cocktail, ginger ale, 5 cents a glass.
If someone kicks your
Ashes be sure to close your eyes.
If you don't believe me you can kiss my
Ask me no questions I tell you not a lie.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,ach05
Date: 18 Oct 17 - 02:01 PM

this little monkey
ran round the country
fell down a black hole
cut his little butt hole
what colour was his blood?


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