Nasty Nursery Rhymes

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Snuffy
Date: 29 Mar 21 - 09:57 AM

That mention of thunder has brought back memories from the mid 1950s of this little gem:

Hark, hark I hear thunder
Must be the peas I ate last Monda'
Quick, quick to the toilet door
Whoops! too late: it's on the floor.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Jiggers
Date: 29 Mar 21 - 09:01 AM

There is a song to the tune of Jake the Peg, my flatmates used to sing after coming back from group hiking trips - I can only remember a few verses

My name is Jack, tiddly-ack, tiddly-ack
I'm a necrophiliac, tiddly-ack, tiddly-ack

I get frustrated, tiddly-ated, tiddly-ated
When I see them get cremated

It makes me chunder tiddly-under tiddly-under
When I see them 6 feet under.

.... etc ...,,

A childhood rhyme that my mother told me that existed before my time. Barney Wooster was a local bread making purveyor. Tune is Knees up Mother Brown

Barney Woosters' bread
It sits in your stomach like lead
Not a bit of wonder,
You fart like thunder
Barney Woosters bread.

Slight variation of nasty rhyme that appears several times in this thread. Don't know name of accompanying tune.

Diahorrea custard, Diahorrea pie
All mixed together with a dead dogs eye
Snatters on toast, nice and thick
All washed down with a cup of hot sick

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Axel
Date: 28 Mar 21 - 04:28 PM

Old McDonald, sittin' on a bench,
Beatin' his meat with a monkey wrench
Missed his meat and hit his balls,
Then he pissed his overalls

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Nasty Boy
Date: 25 Feb 19 - 09:40 AM

Mary had a little scooter whose fleece was white as snow, and when you played with her big hooters, she was sure to blow.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,ach05
Date: 18 Oct 17 - 02:01 PM

this little monkey
ran round the country
fell down a black hole
cut his little butt hole
what colour was his blood?

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Duchess Cheeky
Date: 17 Jul 14 - 02:59 AM

My mother and your mother were digging in a ditch.
My mother called your mother a big fat son of a
Pitch me out the window, I landed on a rock.
Along came a bumble bee and stung me on my
Cocktail, ginger ale, 5 cents a glass.
If someone kicks your
Ashes be sure to close your eyes.
If you don't believe me you can kiss my
Ask me no questions I tell you not a lie.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Mark
Date: 22 May 13 - 01:27 PM

Gene, Gene, made a machine
Joe, Joe, made it go
Art, Art, let a fart
And blew the whole damn thing apart.

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a turtle
Turned the corner just in time
To see a lady's girdle.

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated round the tub
A bar of Ivory soap fell down
And they began to scrub.

He had an apartment in front
And she had a flat behind.

And from Allan Sherman:

On top of old Smokey
All covered with hair
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey the bear.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Airymouse
Date: 21 May 13 - 08:44 PM

Get up get up you lazy sinner
We need sheets for the tablecloth
and it's damn near time for dinner
Pretty tame huh? Actually the real "Mary Mary quite contrary" is nastier than anything listed here and a good deal grimmer.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,downunder
Date: 21 May 13 - 09:17 AM

A girls' skipping song from Australia, early 1970s.

At this time, Paul's Ice Cream was trying to make out that their product was a health food because it contained milk. They called it "The Health Food of the Nation". Aaah, the 1970s.

The school girls skipping were not fooled (Carlton Bitter=beer)

Carlton Bitter, Carlton Bitter
Carlton Bitter, can or glass
Beer's the health food of the nation
stick the ice cream up your arse

Who needs advertising standards boards?

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Mar 13 - 12:12 AM

Mary had a little lamb,
his legs were black as charcoal,
every time he wagged his tail,
flames shot out his arsehole.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 04:06 PM

Quoted by W. H. Auden from his childhood:

As shepherds watched their flocks by night,
All shitting on the ground,
An angel of the Lord came down
And handed paper round.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 12:57 AM

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was black as charcoal
and every time that she bent down
it fucked her up the arsehole!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 09 Aug 12 - 04:37 AM

Inky pinky
Bottle of ink
Oh, how you do stink!
(:-( P)=

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Huck
Date: 09 Aug 12 - 12:42 AM

I can't believe nobody posted this one yet:

"Folks who write on bathroom walls
Roll their turds in little balls.

Then those who read their words of wit,
Eat the little balls of sh*t."

This one's a lot rarer, and incomplete:

"Slippery slimy Sue,
upon whose legs green fungus grew.
Before I'd climb her scabby thighs,
and suck her festering tits,
I'd drink a gallon of vulture vomit
and die of the drizzling sh*ts."

I had a grade school friend who could rattle
off verse after verse of "Slippery Slimy Sue",
but years later he was killed in VietNam. I've
wished since then I had written it all down.
R.I.P. Cpl Mike McCarty!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 06 Jul 12 - 08:27 PM

We three kings of Orient are
One in a taxi, one in a car
One on a scooter blowing his tooter
Following yonder star

Oh star of wonder, star of light
Stuff your pants with dynamite
Light the fuse and off we go
All the way to Mexico


Version 1

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the grass
The angel of the Lord came down
And fell on her big a***

Version 2

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All watching ITV
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC

Elvis Presley
Girls are sexy
Back of the bus
Drinking pepsi
Had a baby
Called it Daisy
Had a twin
Called it Tim.

First person: I am the greatest!
Everyone else: Not in the latest!
                Under! Over!
                Pepsi! Cola!
                Kill the boys!

(originally it was 'kick the boys.')

'When Susie was' - one of my favourites

When Susie was a baby,
A baby Susie was
She went like this -
Waaa! Waaa! Waaa!

When Susie was a toddler
A toddler Susie was
She went like this -
Scribble, scribble, scribble

When Susie was a schoolgirl
A schoolgirl Susie was
She went like this -
Miss! Miss! I can't do this
I got my knickers in a great big twist!

When Susie was a teenager
A teenager she was
She went like this -
Oo! Aah! I lost my bra
I left my knickers in my boyfriend's car!

When Susie was a mother
A mother Susie was
She went like this -
Boys! Boys! Stop that noise!

When Susie was a grandma
A grandmother she was
She went like this -
Knit, knit, knit, knit

When Susie was great grandma
A great grandma she was
She went like this -
Rock, rock, rock, rock

When Susie was a pile of bones
A pile of bones she was
She went like this -
Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle

When Susie was a ghost
A ghost Susie was
She went like this -
Woooh! Woooh! Woooh!

When Susie was a goblin
A goblin Susie was
She went like this -
*crafty snicker*

When Susie was no more
No more Susie was
She went like this -

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jul 12 - 07:48 PM

roses are red violets areblack why is your chest as flat as your back

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,i'm normal thanx
Date: 20 Jun 12 - 05:03 PM

I took my sister for a walk, to see the train go shunt! A piece of wood fell off the ride, and hit her in the... .....COUNTRY girls are pretty, they lay upon the the grass; Stick their heads between their legs and whistle up their.... .....AUNTY Mary had a canary, also had a duck; Took em behind the kitchen door, and taught em how to.... .....FRY eggs & bacon,also pour the tea; The more you eat,the more you drink the more you want to.... .....PEEETER was in the boat, the boat began to rock peter fell out the boat & sliced off his.... .....COCKADoodledoo it's got nufin to do with you, So go home, play with your own, And paddle your own canoe..!!!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,GUESTGUEST
Date: 30 Apr 12 - 05:52 PM

Bacon is bacon
eggs are eggs
don't let a man
between your legs.

he says you're cute
he says you're fine
but 9 mon. later
he says,"It's not mine".

Heard this at school.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 08 Nov 11 - 08:40 PM

i thought it went
Jack and jill went up the hill to fetch some marijuana
jack got high and unzipped his fly
and asked jill if she wanna
jill said yes and droped her dress
just to have some fun
but stupid jill forgot the pill and now they have a son

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 04:49 PM

Jack and jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana
jack got high unzipped his fly and asked jill if she wanna
jill said yes then dropped her dress and then they had some fun
stupid jill forgot her pill and know they have a son.

twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you r
shine upon the parking lot
as i eat my girlfriends twat

georgie porgie puddin pie blew his load on his girlfriends eye
and when her eye was clean and shut
georgie fucked that one eyed slut

hickory dickory dock some chick was sukin my cock the clock struck 2 i dropped my goo and i dumpped that bitch at the next stop.

humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore
humpty dumpty fucked her some more
all the kings horses and all the kings men
bent that bitch over and fucked her again.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 06 Jan 11 - 11:24 PM

Sing a song of syphillis
a penis full of pus
four and twenty harlots
f*cking in a bus
when the scabs were opened
(I forget, bugga. I'm not as good as I once was, but i'm as good once as I ever was.)

Little miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey,
along came a spider and sat beside her
and She said "F*ck off Hairy Legs."

Rose's are red, Violet's are blue,
and Mary isn't wearing any!

Feeling rude in the nude was Miss Prim
when she went down to the river for a swim
'till a man in a punt
stuck an oar in her eye
and now she has to wear glasses

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,An old Marine
Date: 06 Jan 11 - 10:24 AM

Mag mag the dirty sag, the slippery slimy slut, between her thighs green fungus lies and worms crawl out her butt, before it'd fuck that dirty bitch and suck those pusy tit's I'd drink a gallon of after-birth and swim in liquid shit

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,The late Douglas O.
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 01:20 AM

Two dutchmen, two dutchmen, digging in a ditch, one called the other a dirty son of a peter murphy had a dog, a darned dog he'd be, gave it to the neibor lady to keep her company, she taught it, she taught it, she taught it how to jump, it jumped right in her pantie hose and bit her on, two country boys from canada were sitting on a log, along came a bumble bee and stung em on the cocktail gingerale five cents a glass if you don't like it you can kiss my ask me no questions i'll tell you no lies if you ever get hit with a bucket of shit be sure to close your eyes!!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest: Rap Song
Date: 13 Nov 10 - 10:01 AM

Mary had a little Lamb
She tied him to the heater
Everytime he turned around
He burned his little peter
Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her
Put her in a pumpkin shell and blew her all to
Hello operator, connect me number nine
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Ding, Dong Avon's here
Just behind the fridgerator
Tommy broke some glass
Slipped and fell while cleaning and cut his little
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you know lies...

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Nov 10 - 07:42 AM

jack and jill went up the hill,
for a thrill,
la la lalalala laaa.

jill came down with A baby girl,
whilst jack was feeling like he would hurl

poor jacks dick,
jill would often lick,
was so damaged that now it started to click

bloody jill you made jack go sterile,
but you still spread your legs to him whilst drifting down the River Nile!

Jill is a big tramp now...she must do it allllll the time

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Patsy Warren
Date: 21 Jul 10 - 06:42 AM

Build a bonfire build a bonfire
Put the teachers on the top
Put old Jenkins in the middle(the name of teacher or head hated most)
And burn the fucking lot. (sorry)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jul 10 - 04:47 PM

YOU PEANUT BUTTER,MOTHER FUCKER, TWO BALLED BITCH. YOUR MOTHERS IS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING RED HOT SHIT,
YOUR DADDYS IN JAIL
YOUR BROTHERS IN HELL.
AND YOUR SISTER IS ON THE CORNER,
YELLING PUSSY FOR SELL!!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jul 10 - 04:40 PM

OLD UNCLE NED HAD A OLD BALD HEAD
AND HAD NO EYES TO SEE,
HAD NO TEETH TO CRACK CORNCAKE,
SO HE HAD TO LET THE CORN CAKE BE.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 22 Jun 10 - 03:17 AM

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot the shepherd

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Paul Burke
Date: 11 Jun 10 - 06:38 PM

The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he had them all again.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Jun 10 - 06:32 PM

Jack be quick,
Jack be nimble,
Jack jump over
The phallic symbol.

*Not* composed in a nursery.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,over 9000 thousand
Date: 11 Jun 10 - 12:47 AM

Three blind mice
three blind mice
where the fuk do they go!!!


jack be little
jack be quick
jack umped over the candle stick
and burned
the tip of his dick

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Feb 10 - 06:45 PM

Mary had a rooster, she also had a duck
She put them on the windowsill
To see if they would dance and sing...

The duck began to waddle and the rooster had a fit
He jumped into a bucket that was
Full of poodle hair and stuff...

The poodle came a-running to see what had gone wrong
He tripped over the bannister and
Twisted off his collarchain...

The rooster broke out laughing
To see the poodle fall
The duck jumped off the windowsill
And pecked off BOTH his licenses...

The poodle, in a fury, tried to tear the duck to bits
The rooster lost his head and tried to hide in Mary's
Chest of drawers...

The poodle chased the duck all round the house
From back to front
The rooster and the duck both tried to hide
In Mary's jewelry box...

Now Mary's had them stuffed
And she keeps them on the shelf
And if that's not enough for you...
Then go get stuffed yourself!



**** (I love envisioning the final scene. A thoroughly disgruntled Mary tides up the damage wrought upon her once-tidy abode by her 3 crazed pets, while sitting mutely on the shelf we see...a hysterical looking stuffed rooster, a lasciviously grinning stuffed duck, and a stuffed poodle with a look of shock and outrage recorded for posterity on its fuzzy and frantic face.)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Preston Green
Date: 19 Feb 10 - 06:27 PM

Abe Lincoln was a good ole man

He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand

said 'scuse me ladies just doing my duty

so drop your pants and give me your booty!!!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,jason
Date: 13 Jan 10 - 02:14 AM

little miss muffet
sat on her tuffet
eatin her curds and whey
along came a spider
sat down beside her
pulled out his dick
and said eat this you bitch

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Me
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 06:58 PM

On top of Mt Fuji,
All covered in sand,
I shot poor old Barney
With a rubber band

I shot him with triumph,
I shot him with pride,
I couldn't have missed him,
He's forty foot wide.

I went to his funeral,
I went to his grave,
Some people threw roses,
I threw a grenade,

I opened his coffin,
He wasn't quite dead,
I got a bazooka,
And blew up his head!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 07 Jan 10 - 12:02 AM

how about...

boys are cheats and liars they're such a big disgrace,
they will tell you anything to get to second
BASE-ball, baseball he thinks he's gonna score,
if you let him go all the then you are a
WHORE- tocolrist studies flowers, geologist studies rocks,
all guys really want is a place to put their
COCK-roaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs,
nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of
JUG-glers and acrobats, and a dancing bear name chuck,
all guys really want to do is "forget it no such luck!"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 11 Sep 09 - 12:25 PM

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick her fanny...
He got a shock
And a faceful of cock
'Cause Jill was really a tranny!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fidjit
Date: 30 Aug 09 - 02:58 AM

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bare

Chas

Subject: SKIP ROPE - Michael Jackson Game
From: GUEST,Professor Al
Date: 29 Aug 09 - 10:25 PM

Mi-chael Jack-son,
Looking for some ac-tion,
brought a bunch of boys to the Neverland Ranch...

Did a little dance,
Pulled down their pants,
How many boys did he bring to the Ranch?

(double-time) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ...(continue 'til you miss)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Dr G
Date: 02 Aug 09 - 08:17 PM

This is from the infamous Andrew Dice Clay

Mary had a little lamb she kept in her back yard
When she pulled her panties down his wooly dick got hard

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Uly
Date: 27 Jun 09 - 12:04 PM

"There are (used to be?) more verses to

My grandmother sells prophylactics,
She punctures the heads with a pin,
And Grampa does bathtub abortions,
My god how the money rolls in!
Rolls in, etc

There were lots more ways to make the money roll in, but I can't remember . . . "

My mother sings

"My father makes book on the horses
My mother makes second-hand gin
My sister makes love with the sailors
My god how the money rolls in!"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: theman
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 11:22 PM

Yankee doodle went to town riding on a heater.
He accidently switched it on and scorched his little wiener.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 10:52 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter jill came down with two fifty oh that fucking whore

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,joe
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 10:29 PM

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off
His fuckin' dick.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Ring-a-ring-of-roses
From: GUEST,A. Clay
Date: 10 Jun 09 - 01:17 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill.
They both had a buck-and-a-quarter.
Jill came down with two-fifty.
They didn't go up for no water.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 08 Jun 09 - 05:52 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with cum in her mouth
You think they went up for some water?

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,DD
Date: 04 Jun 09 - 09:54 PM

There are (used to be?) more verses to

My grandmother sells prophylactics,
She punctures the heads with a pin,
And Grampa does bathtub abortions,
My god how the money rolls in!
Rolls in, etc

There were lots more ways to make the money roll in, but I can't remember . . .

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 21 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM

Little Boy Blue, come blow up your horn !
The sheep's in the meado, the cow's in the corn !
Where's the little boy who looks after the sheep ?
He's under the haystack shagging Bo-Peep.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 04:58 PM

Jack & Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half,
They didn't go after water!

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub,
Does that make a menage-a-trois?
And if they're rub-dubbing,
While doing their tubbing,
Let's hope they omit the ben-wa's.

Hi diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow got shagged on the moon...

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells,
And one friggin' petunia!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children,
She set a Guinness record for her episiotomy