Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 08 Dec 01 - 08:45 PM Alrightey, Challenge!rs, here we go -- It's time to get a little 'seasonal' around here, so let's start things off with a 'proper' little tale: Kiwis Put The Kebash On Santa's Ho -- Father Christmas has been told to stop saying: "ho ho ho" in New Zealand because it frightens children. Sian Barber, of Westaff Recruitment, which is finding Santas for shopping malls, told The Dominion newspaper that the traditional shout was scary. "We're trying to divert them off going 'ho ho ho'... for some children it can seem a bit ferocious," she said. Instead, in this new, sensitive age, Santas are being taught that talking to children the right way was important, as was the ability to listen, show patience, warmth and understanding. "We need someone who has an affinity with children, someone who can really understand the importance of what they represent," Ms Barber said. "That's important for the children, and for the mall owners because they are big drawcards." Let's see what all you sensitive, new age, Santas can come up with! -- Áine
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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Aidan Crossey Date: 09 Dec 01 - 11:18 AM No need to say what this is parodying!
I had a first cousin called Arthur McBride |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:45 PM There's only one word for derrymacash's song - BRILLIANT! - and here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for this verse, a chara, which sums up the 'PC beasties' quite nicely: A business suit, they have forced me to hire And thus to dispense with my gay red attire (They'd sooner I chucked it on top of the fire They'd sooner that it was all burning) My long flowing beard they have forced me to trim They say I'm too fat, so they want me to slim The future for Santa is looking quite grim For the good old days Santa is yearning" -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Genie Date: 09 Dec 01 - 02:02 PM Bad time of year for me to spend time on song challenges, so here's a quickie. Up On His Lap Up on his lap the kiddies crawl, HO! HO! HO! That's gotta go! |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 09 Dec 01 - 02:40 PM Short, sweet and oh so saucy!! Genie, that's a winner! Here's your S.B.L.O.B. for: HO! HO! HO! That's gotta go! HO! HO! HO! That's gotta go! Now, on his lap they just hear "Ohmmmmm," And a self-validating New Age poem. -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 09 Dec 01 - 03:12 PM derrymacash, you're getting better - and you were bloody good to start with.
Here's a carol.
Arrest that merry gentleman,
Oh Christmas is the time when we can
Fear not, said the manager,
(That first line is pinched more or less from the Kippers – "Arrest these merry gentlemen and take them all away." I thought I'd point that out before someone else did.) |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: John MacKenzie Date: 09 Dec 01 - 03:39 PM Oh no no no Not ho ho ho That ho ho ho Must go go go And so so so to be sure From Waitangi to Rotorua What Santas cannot do are Upset that MS Barber No ho-ing with hilarity She considers that barber-ity And says with total clarity We can't have this in old NZ It's very trendy here you see And ho ho ho will never be Tolerated or allowed In the land of the long white cloud Please say out loud and proud Ho ho ho should be retained And Ms Barber be restrained In a jacket that ties at the back. Failte.....Jock |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Amos Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:15 PM Too good, you guys. I stand amazed. Next thing you know it will be illegal for dragons to breath flame, witches to fly (after all there's safety to be considered!), and ghosts will be forbidden to say "Boo!" -- they'll have to say "Have a nice day!" instead!! What a pablum we'll have made of the world, eh? Do I remember Eliot aright? Some say the world will end by ice, some say by fire; So here we have neither ice nor fire, but the tepid entropy of cold oatmeal. Isn't progress grand? A |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Amos Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:20 PM Well it's not my fault; I've been sick. It is Frost, not Eliot, who penned "Fire and Ice": Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire; |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:33 PM Amos, were you thining of : This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper. (Which is TS Eliot.) |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Amos Date: 09 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM Right, mate -- that's exactly the erroneous overlay I had going...thanks. A. |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Aidan Crossey Date: 10 Dec 01 - 08:40 AM Oh dear ... not sure I'm deserving of the praise being doled out above. But thanks anyway ... very kind. Those of you familiar with Steve Earle's song "Christmas Time In Washington" might appreciate this next entry ... CHRISTMAS TIME IN WELLINGTON It was Christmas time in Wellington The City Council met The chamber filled to bursting The whips had seen to that There were matters they must ratify Decisions they must make There were issues of great import There were lots of votes at stake The first to rise was Smugly Smug He was primped and oiled and sleek When the local press are out in force He's always first to speak "Citizens, I put to you Motion 95 That Santa Claus" – a pregnant pause – "Be forced to modernise" Come back Woody Guthrie Come back to us now Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids" Shall be our battle-cry These folks disown tradition But their notions are half-baked They glorify modernity Purely for its sake Then up spoke Mrs Primly Neat She's a tweedy broguish dame With her narrow hips, she pursed her lips And started to declaim "This Father Christmas nonsense! It's time for it to go There's no room in the modern world For elves and ho-ho-ho." "Well said" cried Mr Stoutly Plump "These old ways have had their time I cannot see the point of them, Their reason or their rhyme" And one by one they all lined up To cast their tawdry votes And in defence of Santa Claus Not a single Councillor spoke Come back Woody Guthrie Come back to us now Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids" Shall be our battle-cry These folks disown tradition They replace it with the new But the sense of what they're missing Is known by me and you In the public gallery An old man slowly rose His beard was long and silver Crimson were his clothes He said "I will not keep you long My sledge is parked outside But I've got a right to comment And I will not be denied I've heard your petty bitching And your tight-arsed decrees At first I thought your edicts Were just some sort of tease But now that I have witnessed Just how mean you really are I'm gonna strike pre-emptively From now on this is war" Come back Woody Guthrie Come back to us now Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids" Shall be our battle-cry These folks disown tradition A brand new world they crave But along with the bathwater They are throwing out the babe And so with that the old man left The elected council smirked Another hollow victory All in a day's work But come December 25th With no contingency planned Not a single present Was delivered in the land Instead of which each boy and girl Awoke to find a note "Christmas has been cancelled By a municipal vote It is with deep reluctance That I follow their bye-laws Best wishes for the season Yours sincerely Santa Claus" Come back Woody Guthrie Come back to us now Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids" Shall be our battle-cry These folks disown tradition But they don't know the cost You can't retrieve traditions When traditions have been lost |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: MMario Date: 10 Dec 01 - 08:50 AM applause
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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 10 Dec 01 - 09:44 AM I agree, Kevin, derrymacash is aspiring to your own exalted status of Master Mudcat Musicmaker and Songsmith (and he has the voice of angel!). But, I have to say that ALL my lovely Challenge!rs have honed their own talents to a fine point during the past year! Well done, cudos and congrats to All The Mudcat Song Challenge!rs!! ;-) Now, here are the next set of well deserved Silver B.L.O.B.s for my well-heeled and well-honed Challenge!rs:
To McGrath of Harlow for cutting to the chase quite poetically in this verse: -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Aidan Crossey Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:09 AM In the following, "Z" is pronounced as "zee" rather than "zed" .... To the tune - of course - of Come Back Paddy Reilly To Ballyjamesduff. A thing to ponder. While writing this, I found myself remarking on the similarity in structure between "Old Shep" and "Ballyjamesduff". Are they, by chance, related?
COME BACK FATHER CHRISTMAS TO PALMERSTON NORTH |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: GUEST,Deda Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:22 AM Derrymacash, That is purely wonderful. And one of the loveliest of songs, both in the original and in your own version. Applause applause applause! |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 10 Dec 01 - 03:21 PM Well, you've done it again, Aidan -- you've warmed (and fluttered) my cockles with your sweet song ;-) Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for: When I was a boy – I remember it yet! The high drama of each Christmas Eve. That you would appear when I was asleep I didn't once doubt, but believed And awakened each Christmas, delighted to find You'd visited as I had slept As I was dreaming my innocent dreams Your promise to visit you'd kept Oh sweet are the dreams as the dudeen I puff Of whisperings over the sea Come back Father Christmas to Palmerston North Come back Santa Claus to NZ -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Jack the Sailor Date: 10 Dec 01 - 06:17 PM can't Be Santa
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
Who comes around on a special night?
Special night, beard that's white,
Must be Santa must be Santa, (Sian Barber, of Westaff Recruitment hereby announces that, since a long white beard can seem intimidating, the Long White Beard provision is recinded as is the special night requirement)
Who wears boots and a suit of red?
Who wears a long cap on his head?
Cap on head, suit that's red,
Must be Santa must be Santa, (Red Suits and Caps tend to strain young eyes. Black with taseful sequins would be better)
Who's got a big red cherry nose?
Who laughs this way:
HO HO HO, cherry nose,
Must be Santa must be Santa, (Here are two of our biggest issues, the big red cherry nose can denote a white man with alcholism, We also have a problem with how overweight and we feel he should be more pan-racial, also We're trying to divert him off going 'ho ho ho'... for some children it can seem a bit ferocious,)
Who very soon will come our way?
Eight little reindeer pull his sleigh,
Reindeer sleigh, come our way,
Must be Santa, must be Santa,
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, (We feel that the whole reindeer thing discriminates against other animals, he should have a whole menagerie)
Reindeer sleigh, come our way,
Must be Santa, must be Santa, (So it should be)
Managerie, made for me,
They want Michael, They want Michael Ho sqeak! Ho sqeak! Ho sqeak!
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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Lin in Kansas Date: 10 Dec 01 - 07:15 PM Wow! Derrymacash, McGrath, Giok, Genie, Jack the Sailor--you people are too good. I'm having a deal of trouble getting in the spirit this year, so cynicism seemed the only way to go--this is just a recitation with asides, no tune. Thanks for letting me rant! Lin
A (Modern) Visit from St. Nicholas
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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 10 Dec 01 - 10:05 PM Jack and Lin -- you sleigh me!! Here's a Silver B.L.O.B. a piece, one for each of your Silver Spittoon songs ;-)
To Jack the Sailor for this riotous rondale: -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Clifton53 Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:40 AM HO HO HO HO
There was a jolly Santa down New Zealand way O
They told him NO NO NO NO you can't HO HO NO MO
A darlin' little girl jumped up in Santa's lap O
They told me NO NO NO please don't HO HO NO MO
Santa was upset but he complied and say O
Imagine NO HO HO HO, you can't HO HO NO MO Clifton |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Deda Date: 11 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM Santa the Beau
I travel all over this planet
When presents I've laid on the counter
Now suddenly down in New Zealand
There's no prettier place than New Zealand
My sleigh is all packed up for Christmas |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: MMario Date: 11 Dec 01 - 11:34 AM HUZZAH! I love it Deda! |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: mousethief Date: 11 Dec 01 - 01:08 PM The Ballad of Sian Barber, Neurotic Tune: whatever.
A long time ago, down in Wellington town
He was dressed up in red in the sweltering heat
So down to this hallowed establishment came
Now some of the mothers had been to this place
What a sound! What a cry! What sweet beautiful noise!
Now I know it's cliché when they say, "scarred for life"
So she worked and she worked till she got herself hired
Yes another tradition has gone down the tubes Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved. |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: mousethief Date: 11 Dec 01 - 01:10 PM Not that I'm bitter or anything. |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 12 Dec 01 - 09:40 AM Great, great and great! Looks like the 'ho's' are slowing down, so here are the latest Silver B.L.O.B.s, and later today the Cow Chips will fly! ;-)
To Clifton53 for this rhythmical rant: -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Aidan Crossey Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:15 AM Before Áine draws a line under this one, the final instalment of my mini folk opera. To the tune of "Joe Hill". Nollaig Shona!
I dreamed I saw St Nick last night |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:36 AM OK, Aidan, I won't put paid to this Challenge! before I award you a Double Silver B.L.O.B. for these two verses in the last of your opus: "Then Santa Claus went out on strike And watched the town clerks sweat Then came the town clerks backing down And letters of regret And letters of regret" Throughout the Southern Hemisphere Each country's passing laws Making it illegal To mess with Santa Claus To mess with Santa Claus Brilliant! -- Áine |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Deda Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:44 AM Mousethief, I didn't think "bitter" when I read it, I thought "Talent". |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Jack the Sailor Date: 12 Dec 01 - 02:15 PM Going to the Zoo ... Tom Paxton I got a little off topic here, I found a funny little detour or two and followed them.
Gotta have the Ho Ho Ho
Santa's gonna be at the mall tomorrow,
Chorus
See the white beard and the huge bag he's Bringin'.
Chorus
Little red sleigh is the transportation
Chorus
There's a polar bear, and he's following Santa,
Chorus
Christmas seals coming in his mailbox
Chorus
(slower) Well Santa's in the Chimney and he's gettin' sleepy,
Shoulda cleaned the Flue, flue, flue;
Santa's taking us to court tomorrow,
Chorus
Chorus
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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Áine Date: 12 Dec 01 - 05:16 PM Well, all right then ;-) You all should be proud of yourselves for turning out a varied, varicose and very, very funny collection of 'Don't Heave The Ho' songs ;-) Cudos, congrats and muchas mercis to each of you. And here are the (flying) Golden Cow Chips that you all so richly deserve . . . and keep those quill tips warm -- 'cuz I have a little treat for y'all in the next Challenge! comin' up soon -- -- Áine
Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song): |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: mousethief Date: 12 Dec 01 - 05:53 PM Deda, you flatterer! And thank you once again, Aine, for the lovely challenge and for the GCC. Alex |
Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74 From: Lin in Kansas Date: 12 Dec 01 - 07:40 PM Dear Áine -- Bless your heart, thank you for the GCCWMMSPS (can't say that fast three times). I'll display it proudly on my virtual mantel! Lin |
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