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Song Challenge! - Part 74

Áine 08 Dec 01 - 08:45 PM
Aidan Crossey 09 Dec 01 - 11:18 AM
Áine 09 Dec 01 - 01:45 PM
Genie 09 Dec 01 - 02:02 PM
Áine 09 Dec 01 - 02:40 PM
McGrath of Harlow 09 Dec 01 - 03:12 PM
John MacKenzie 09 Dec 01 - 03:39 PM
Amos 09 Dec 01 - 04:15 PM
Amos 09 Dec 01 - 04:20 PM
McGrath of Harlow 09 Dec 01 - 04:33 PM
Amos 09 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM
Aidan Crossey 10 Dec 01 - 08:40 AM
MMario 10 Dec 01 - 08:50 AM
Áine 10 Dec 01 - 09:44 AM
Aidan Crossey 10 Dec 01 - 11:09 AM
GUEST,Deda 10 Dec 01 - 11:22 AM
Áine 10 Dec 01 - 03:21 PM
Jack the Sailor 10 Dec 01 - 06:17 PM
Lin in Kansas 10 Dec 01 - 07:15 PM
Áine 10 Dec 01 - 10:05 PM
Clifton53 11 Dec 01 - 08:40 AM
Deda 11 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM
MMario 11 Dec 01 - 11:34 AM
mousethief 11 Dec 01 - 01:08 PM
mousethief 11 Dec 01 - 01:10 PM
Áine 12 Dec 01 - 09:40 AM
Aidan Crossey 12 Dec 01 - 11:15 AM
Áine 12 Dec 01 - 11:36 AM
Deda 12 Dec 01 - 11:44 AM
Jack the Sailor 12 Dec 01 - 02:15 PM
Áine 12 Dec 01 - 05:16 PM
mousethief 12 Dec 01 - 05:53 PM
Lin in Kansas 12 Dec 01 - 07:40 PM
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Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 08:45 PM

Alrightey, Challenge!rs, here we go -- It's time to get a little 'seasonal' around here, so let's start things off with a 'proper' little tale:

Kiwis Put The Kebash On Santa's Ho -- Father Christmas has been told to stop saying: "ho ho ho" in New Zealand because it frightens children.

Sian Barber, of Westaff Recruitment, which is finding Santas for shopping malls, told The Dominion newspaper that the traditional shout was scary.

"We're trying to divert them off going 'ho ho ho'... for some children it can seem a bit ferocious," she said.

Instead, in this new, sensitive age, Santas are being taught that talking to children the right way was important, as was the ability to listen, show patience, warmth and understanding.

"We need someone who has an affinity with children, someone who can really understand the importance of what they represent," Ms Barber said.

"That's important for the children, and for the mall owners because they are big drawcards."


Let's see what all you sensitive, new age, Santas can come up with!

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 11:18 AM

No need to say what this is parodying!

I had a first cousin called Arthur McBride
We went for a walk down by the seaside
Seeking adventure and what may betide
It being a Christmas morning
And there as we strolled the length of the strand
We happened upon a most miserable man
His shoulders were hunched, his oul' face it was wan
As if he was in some deep mourning

"Good morning, good sir" said Arthur McBride
"I can't help but notice your wearisome stride
You look like a man who is troubled inside
And I'd like to help you this morning.
My colleague and I are out for a walk
But willing to listen if you'd like to talk
Your afflictions and worries we'll surely not mock
We're known to be pretty discerning"

"My very good men, my woes I'll relate
They're all of them tragic, and sad is my fate
And since you consent, I'll begin to narrate
But first, a small word of warning
Although I am clearly no man of Maynooth
Every word that I tell shall be truth
But I have no means of providing the proof
If that toubles you, walk on this morning"

Arthur and I we sized up the odds
He wouldn't be lyin', surely to God
So both of us gave the boul' stranger the nod
And he started his tale in the morning
"My name is Saint Nicholas, that is my name
All over this world I am honoured with fame
But now I'm afraid that I stand here ashamed
Dishonoured on Christmas Morning.

For it seems that my laugh, my oul' ho ho ho
Is a cause of concern to the kids down below
To Van Diemen's Land I no longer may go
I've been given a final warning
Instead of ho-hoing now I must engage
In polite conversation 'bout events of the age
In faith I feel like a beast in a cage
Frustrated beyond all enduring

A business suit, they have forced me to hire
And thus to dispense with my gay red attire
(They'd sooner I chucked it on top of the fire
They'd sooner that it was all burning)
My long flowing beard they have forced me to trim
They say I'm too fat, so they want me to slim
The future for Santa is looking quite grim
For the good old days Santa is yearning"

"Your story is tragic" said Arthur McBride
"But don't be a victim, get off your backside
I always thought you were a man of great pride
So why not fight back this morning?
And boycott New Zealand, they'll soon change their view
When their kids cause a stink and a hullaballoo
And the oul' status quo will revert, I tell you
So endeth the lesson this morning!"


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:45 PM

There's only one word for derrymacash's song - BRILLIANT! - and here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for this verse, a chara, which sums up the 'PC beasties' quite nicely:

A business suit, they have forced me to hire
And thus to dispense with my gay red attire
(They'd sooner I chucked it on top of the fire
They'd sooner that it was all burning)
My long flowing beard they have forced me to trim
They say I'm too fat, so they want me to slim
The future for Santa is looking quite grim
For the good old days Santa is yearning"



-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Genie
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 02:02 PM

Bad time of year for me to spend time on song challenges, so here's a quickie.

Up On His Lap
by Genie

Up on his lap the kiddies crawl,
Then they just pee their pants and bawl!
Santa's been making that awful noise,
Scaring the poor little girls and boys!

HO!  HO!  HO!  That's gotta go!
HO!  HO!  HO!  That's gotta go!
Now, on his lap they just hear "Ohmmmmm,"
And a self-validating New Age poem.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 02:40 PM

Short, sweet and oh so saucy!! Genie, that's a winner! Here's your S.B.L.O.B. for:

HO! HO! HO! That's gotta go!
HO! HO! HO! That's gotta go!
Now, on his lap they just hear "Ohmmmmm,"
And a self-validating New Age poem.



-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 03:12 PM

derrymacash, you're getting better - and you were bloody good to start with.

Here's a carol.

Arrest that merry gentleman,
he's causing great dismay.
The children in the shopping mall
Aren't buying things today.
With his bushy beard and "Ho Ho Ho" -
we wish he'd go away,
with his "tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy",
with his "tidings of comfort and joy."

Oh Christmas is the time when we can
move in for the kill,
and "Ho Ho Ho", and stuff like that,
and talk about "goodwill"
waste time that should be spent
on putting money in the till –
instead of "tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy",
instead of "tidings of comfort and joy."

Fear not, said the manager,
let nothing you afright,
this holy time of purchasing
we're going to get it right.
We'll tell old Father Christmas
He can go out in the night,
with his "tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy",
with his "tidings of comfort and joy."

(That first line is pinched more or less from the Kippers – "Arrest these merry gentlemen and take them all away." I thought I'd point that out before someone else did.)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 03:39 PM

Oh no no no
Not ho ho ho
That ho ho ho
Must go go go

And so so so to be sure
From Waitangi to Rotorua
What Santas cannot do are
Upset that MS Barber

No ho-ing with hilarity
She considers that barber-ity
And says with total clarity
We can't have this in old NZ

It's very trendy here you see
And ho ho ho will never be
Tolerated or allowed
In the land of the long white cloud

Please say out loud and proud
Ho ho ho should be retained
And Ms Barber be restrained
In a jacket that ties at the back.

Failte.....Jock


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Amos
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:15 PM

Too good, you guys. I stand amazed.

Next thing you know it will be illegal for dragons to breath flame, witches to fly (after all there's safety to be considered!), and ghosts will be forbidden to say "Boo!" -- they'll have to say "Have a nice day!" instead!!

What a pablum we'll have made of the world, eh?

Do I remember Eliot aright?

Some say the world will end by ice, some say by fire;
From what I've known of desire, I'ld say by fire.
But ice is nice
And would suffice.....

So here we have neither ice nor fire, but the tepid entropy of cold oatmeal.

Isn't progress grand?

A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Amos
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:20 PM

Well it's not my fault; I've been sick.

It is Frost, not Eliot, who penned "Fire and Ice":

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:33 PM

Amos, were you thining of :

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper. (Which is TS Eliot.)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Amos
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM

Right, mate -- that's exactly the erroneous overlay I had going...thanks.

A.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 08:40 AM

Oh dear ... not sure I'm deserving of the praise being doled out above. But thanks anyway ... very kind.

Those of you familiar with Steve Earle's song "Christmas Time In Washington" might appreciate this next entry ...

CHRISTMAS TIME IN WELLINGTON
It was Christmas time in Wellington
The City Council met
The chamber filled to bursting
The whips had seen to that
There were matters they must ratify
Decisions they must make
There were issues of great import
There were lots of votes at stake

The first to rise was Smugly Smug
He was primped and oiled and sleek
When the local press are out in force
He's always first to speak
"Citizens, I put to you
Motion 95
That Santa Claus" – a pregnant pause –
"Be forced to modernise"

Come back Woody Guthrie
Come back to us now
Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids"
Shall be our battle-cry
These folks disown tradition
But their notions are half-baked
They glorify modernity
Purely for its sake

Then up spoke Mrs Primly Neat
She's a tweedy broguish dame
With her narrow hips, she pursed her lips
And started to declaim
"This Father Christmas nonsense!
It's time for it to go
There's no room in the modern world
For elves and ho-ho-ho."

"Well said" cried Mr Stoutly Plump
"These old ways have had their time
I cannot see the point of them,
Their reason or their rhyme"
And one by one they all lined up
To cast their tawdry votes
And in defence of Santa Claus
Not a single Councillor spoke

Come back Woody Guthrie
Come back to us now
Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids"
Shall be our battle-cry
These folks disown tradition
They replace it with the new
But the sense of what they're missing
Is known by me and you

In the public gallery
An old man slowly rose
His beard was long and silver
Crimson were his clothes
He said "I will not keep you long
My sledge is parked outside
But I've got a right to comment
And I will not be denied

I've heard your petty bitching
And your tight-arsed decrees
At first I thought your edicts
Were just some sort of tease
But now that I have witnessed
Just how mean you really are
I'm gonna strike pre-emptively
From now on this is war"

Come back Woody Guthrie
Come back to us now
Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids"
Shall be our battle-cry
These folks disown tradition
A brand new world they crave
But along with the bathwater
They are throwing out the babe

And so with that the old man left
The elected council smirked
Another hollow victory
All in a day's work
But come December 25th
With no contingency planned
Not a single present
Was delivered in the land

Instead of which each boy and girl
Awoke to find a note
"Christmas has been cancelled
By a municipal vote
It is with deep reluctance
That I follow their bye-laws
Best wishes for the season
Yours sincerely Santa Claus"

Come back Woody Guthrie
Come back to us now
Your "Songs To Grow For Mums And Kids"
Shall be our battle-cry
These folks disown tradition
But they don't know the cost
You can't retrieve traditions
When traditions have been lost


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: MMario
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 08:50 AM

applause

cheers


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 09:44 AM

I agree, Kevin, derrymacash is aspiring to your own exalted status of Master Mudcat Musicmaker and Songsmith (and he has the voice of angel!).

But, I have to say that ALL my lovely Challenge!rs have honed their own talents to a fine point during the past year! Well done, cudos and congrats to All The Mudcat Song Challenge!rs!! ;-)

Now, here are the next set of well deserved Silver B.L.O.B.s for my well-heeled and well-honed Challenge!rs:

To McGrath of Harlow for cutting to the chase quite poetically in this verse:

Oh Christmas is the time when we can
move in for the kill,
and "Ho Ho Ho", and stuff like that,
and talk about "goodwill"
waste time that should be spent
on putting money in the till –
instead of "tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy",
instead of "tidings of comfort and joy."


To Giok/Jock for expressing my own thoughts on the matter with:

Please say out loud and proud
Ho ho ho should be retained
And Ms Barber be restrained
In a jacket that ties at the back.


And to the honey voiced derrymacash ;-), for this pair of verses describing St. Nick's 'sweet revenge':

And so with that the old man left
The elected council smirked
Another hollow victory
All in a day's work
But come December 25th
With no contingency planned
Not a single present
Was delivered in the land

Instead of which each boy and girl
Awoke to find a note
"Christmas has been cancelled
By a municipal vote
It is with deep reluctance
That I follow their bye-laws
Best wishes for the season
Yours sincerely Santa Claus"



Brilliant, every one of you!!

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:09 AM

In the following, "Z" is pronounced as "zee" rather than "zed" ....

To the tune - of course - of Come Back Paddy Reilly To Ballyjamesduff.

A thing to ponder. While writing this, I found myself remarking on the similarity in structure between "Old Shep" and "Ballyjamesduff". Are they, by chance, related?

COME BACK FATHER CHRISTMAS TO PALMERSTON NORTH
(An open letter from the Prime Minister of New Zealand)

On behalf of my colleagues I'm sorry to say
We've been hasty and silly and brash
To allow our curmudgeonly humours to rise
They infected us all like a rash
We're fighting a battle, between heart and head
And sought to see logic prevail
But we're missing your presence in Palmerston North
And our children, they weep and they wail
And tones that are tender and tones that are gruff
Are whispering over the sea
Come back Father Christmas to Palmerston North
Come back Santa Claus to NZ

My mother told me the day I was born
The day that I first saw the light
To strive to be proper in all that I do
In all that I do, to do right
And if I'm in error, then not to deny
To admit and to say I regret
And to beg the forgiveness of those who I've wronged
Hoping if they'll forgive, they'll forget
The baby's a man, now he's toil-worn and tough
And he can't help but offer this plea
Come back Father Christmas to Palmerston North
Come back Santa Claus to NZ

When I was a boy – I remember it yet!
The high drama of each Christmas Eve.
That you would appear when I was asleep
I didn't once doubt, but believed
And awakened each Christmas, delighted to find
You'd visited as I had slept
As I was dreaming my innocent dreams
Your promise to visit you'd kept
Oh sweet are the dreams as the dudeen I puff
Of whisperings over the sea
Come back Father Christmas to Palmerston North
Come back Santa Claus to NZ

So if we've been thoughtless and tasteless and cruel
And callous and ugly and base
I'm hoping you'll find in your generous soul
The will to grant us some grace
From this moment onwards I solemnly swear
You'll be our most welcome of guests
And never again shall we quibble or carp
You do what you do, and do best
So forget all the clamour, the gas and the guff
That whispered its way 'cross the sea
Come back Father Christmas to Palmerston North
Come back Santa Claus to NZ


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: GUEST,Deda
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:22 AM

Derrymacash, That is purely wonderful. And one of the loveliest of songs, both in the original and in your own version. Applause applause applause!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 03:21 PM

Well, you've done it again, Aidan -- you've warmed (and fluttered) my cockles with your sweet song ;-) Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for:

When I was a boy – I remember it yet!
The high drama of each Christmas Eve.
That you would appear when I was asleep
I didn't once doubt, but believed
And awakened each Christmas, delighted to find
You'd visited as I had slept
As I was dreaming my innocent dreams
Your promise to visit you'd kept
Oh sweet are the dreams as the dudeen I puff
Of whisperings over the sea
Come back Father Christmas to Palmerston North
Come back Santa Claus to NZ



-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 06:17 PM

can't Be Santa

Who's got a beard that's long and white?
Santa's got a beard that's long and white.

Who comes around on a special night?
Santa comes around on a special night.

Special night, beard that's white,

Must be Santa must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa Claus.

(Sian Barber, of Westaff Recruitment hereby announces that, since a long white beard can seem intimidating, the Long White Beard provision is recinded as is the special night requirement)

Who wears boots and a suit of red?
Santa wears boots and a suit of red.

Who wears a long cap on his head?
Santa wears a long cap on his head.

Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,

Must be Santa must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa Claus.

(Red Suits and Caps tend to strain young eyes. Black with taseful sequins would be better)

Who's got a big red cherry nose?
Santa's got a big red cherry nose.

Who laughs this way:
HO HO HO?
Santa laughs this way:
HO HO HO!

HO HO HO, cherry nose,
Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,

Must be Santa must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa Claus.

(Here are two of our biggest issues, the big red cherry nose can denote a white man with alcholism, We also have a problem with how overweight and we feel he should be more pan-racial, also We're trying to divert him off going 'ho ho ho'... for some children it can seem a bit ferocious,)

Who very soon will come our way?
Santa very soon will come our way.

Eight little reindeer pull his sleigh,
Santa's little reindeer pull his sleigh.

Reindeer sleigh, come our way,
HO HO HO, cherry nose,
Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,

Must be Santa, must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa Claus.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.

(We feel that the whole reindeer thing discriminates against other animals, he should have a whole menagerie)

Reindeer sleigh, come our way,
HO HO HO, cherry nose,
Cap on head, suit that's red,
Special night, beard that's white,

Must be Santa, must be Santa,
Must be Santa, Santa Claus!

(So it should be)

Managerie, made for me,
Quiet voice, Thinner Nose,
No red cap, dressed in black,
A little weird, sans the beard

They want Michael, They want Michael
They want Michael, Jack---son

Ho sqeak! Ho sqeak! Ho sqeak!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 07:15 PM

Wow! Derrymacash, McGrath, Giok, Genie, Jack the Sailor--you people are too good.

I'm having a deal of trouble getting in the spirit this year, so cynicism seemed the only way to go--this is just a recitation with asides, no tune. Thanks for letting me rant!

Lin

A (Modern) Visit from St. Nicholas

Twas the night before Christmas (Christians and non-, please apply your own interpretation to this holiday) and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (We poisoned all the mice before we had the cat declawed).
The stockings (all the same size and kind--no favoritism among OUR children) were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas (see this link for alternate names) soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads (being guiltily replaced with visions of celery sticks and carrots per Mom's lectures, or in the case of Sarah, 13, with visions of stuffing herself and then vomiting it all up so she won't gain weight);
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap (gotta get some more Rogaine for both of us soon...)
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap (after watching CNN News, Jerry Springer, and It's A Wonderful Life).

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter (wishing it was all right for an enlightened person to own a gun).
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (at this point, most people would dial 9-1-1).
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below (Damned weatherman was wrong again; and oh, Lord, it's a full moon and the crazies are out!),
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer (I'm gonna sue that opthalmologist—and LensCrafters, too...)

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick (or some addict hyped up on drugs).
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name (yep, definitely drugs);
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!" (or maybe it was that last two or three gin and tonics I had at bedtime??)

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. (You know, maybe those 12-step meetings aren't so bad, after all...)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. (Oh Gawd! Aural hallucinations, too?!!)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. ("Don't shoot! There's Valium in the medicine cabinet!! You can have it—just leave me two, that's all I ask!!")
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, (Animal rights people, where are you?)
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; (He's probably homeless; who else would dress like that?)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, (Pedophile! Luring the little kids!)
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. (Geez, look at all the stuff--I bet he's gonna steal everything not nailed down.)

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! (obviously a psychopath)
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! (and a drunk, too)
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; (well, at least he washes his hair)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; (Hey! This is a non-smoking household!! Take that out on the porch!!)
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. (Anyone ever told this guy about Weight Watchers?)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; (Please believe me, I was laughing WITH you, not AT you!)
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; (Thank you so much for your understanding...you weirdo...)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(Do you speak English??) And laying his finger aside of his nose,
(DO ... YOU .... SPEAK ... ENGLISH?? Stupid foreigner!) And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose; (And they worry about Harry Potter!!)
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. (Hey! That's against FAA regulations!!)
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good-Night." (At least there wasn't any of that nasty Ho-Ho-Ho-ing that terrifies the little kids...you know, the kids who watch Friday the 13th and all those other splatter movies...)

(Where's my Palm Pilot? "Make Appt. w/shrink 12/26 9AM"...Sure will be glad when December's over.)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 10:05 PM

Jack and Lin -- you sleigh me!! Here's a Silver B.L.O.B. a piece, one for each of your Silver Spittoon songs ;-)

To Jack the Sailor for this riotous rondale:

Managerie, made for me,
Quiet voice, Thinner Nose,
No red cap, dressed in black,
A little weird, sans the beard

They want Michael, They want Michael
They want Michael, Jack---son

Ho sqeak! Ho sqeak! Ho sqeak!


And to Lin in Kansas for this tiny bit of her fantastic St. Nick Rap:

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. (You know, maybe those 12-step meetings aren't so bad, after all...)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. (Oh Gawd! Aural hallucinations, too?!!)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. ("Don't shoot! There's Valium in the medicine cabinet!! You can have it—just leave me two, that's all I ask!!")
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, (Animal rights people, where are you?)
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; (He's probably homeless; who else would dress like that?)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, (Pedophile! Luring the little kids!)
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
(Geez, look at all the stuff--I bet he's gonna steal everything not nailed down.)



Like I said way up above, you all just get better and better! LMAO!!!

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Clifton53
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 08:40 AM

HO HO HO HO

There was a jolly Santa down New Zealand way O
His bosses said " we hope you understand,
Keep this in mind as you as you go through the day O
Santa you must stick with corporate plan"

They told him NO NO NO NO you can't HO HO NO MO
In simple terms YO HO gotta GO
Please Santa please, this HO HO HO you must cease,
HO NO MO, NO MO HO, HO NO MO

A darlin' little girl jumped up in Santa's lap O
It seemed that she was wise beyond her years
" Why NO HO HO HO, just like a thunderclap O"?
" My dear it seems it's too much for your ears"

They told me NO NO NO please don't HO HO NO MO
In other words YO HO you must stow
Jolly St. Nick O you must drop it right quick
SO YO NO MO HO HO HO, HO HO NO MO

Santa was upset but he complied and say O
" The next thing they'll be changing is my suit,
If it weren't for the kids, and for Christmas Day O
I'd show them all the stiff end of my boot"

Imagine NO HO HO HO, you can't HO HO NO MO
Santa he was feeling SO PO
It ain't worth any dough, to mess with Santa's M.O.
NO MO HO, HO NO MO, NO MO HO
NO MO HO, HO NO MO, NO MO HO

Clifton


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Deda
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM

Santa the Beau

I travel all over this planet
From nation to nation I go
Wherever good children are waiting
To hear my trademark Ho ho ho
To hear my trademark Ho ho ho,
To hear my trademark Ho ho ho
Good children are waiting all over
To hear my trademark Ho ho ho.

When presents I've laid on the counter
In stockings, on mantels, for show
I swig down the milk and the cookies
And leave with a loud Ho ho ho
And leave with a loud Ho ho ho,
And leave with a loud Ho ho ho
I chug down the milk and the cookies,
And leave with a loud Ho ho ho

Now suddenly down in New Zealand
They want me to rewrite my show
They say that the children are frightened
When they hear me laugh, Ho ho ho
When they hear me laugh, Ho ho ho,
When they hear me laugh, Ho ho ho
Some children, they tell me, are frightened?
What hogwash, say I! Ho ho ho

There's no prettier place than New Zealand
The pace there is easy and slow
Mrs Claus hoped we might there retire
But not without my Ho ho ho
But not without my Ho ho ho
But not without my Ho ho ho
Without it I simply won't go.

My sleigh is all packed up for Christmas
The reindeer are ready to go
If they don't like my laugh in New Zealand
Let's see how they like No, no, no
Let's see how they like No, no, no
Let's see how they like No, no, no
Instead of my laugh, in New Zealand,
A weak-bellied message of No.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 11:34 AM

HUZZAH! I love it Deda!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 01:08 PM

The Ballad of Sian Barber, Neurotic
Tune: whatever.

A long time ago, down in Wellington town
A beautiful baby was born
They wrapped her up snug in a wee little gown
Just like her great-grandma had worn
And soon she was crawling, then soon she could walk
Good Lord, how they grow, oh so quick!
Then as soon as that beautiful girl learned to talk
They took her to see old St. Nick

He was dressed up in red in the sweltering heat
With white fur like a rich Russian prince
And the kiddies would sit on his lap, very sweet
And would give him their toy-shopping hints
And their mamas would stand by the speakers outside
And note down their kids' favourite stash
And the elves would take photographs (way overpriced)
And collect lots of holiday cash

So down to this hallowed establishment came
The little kids with their mamas
And they got in the line and sucked peppermint canes
And waited to see Santa Claus
And the little girl, name of Sian, was right there in the line
And she was the next one to go
When that jolly old elf set a little boy down
And ripped out with a loud, "Ho ho ho!"

Now some of the mothers had been to this place
When they were themselves little girls
Dressed up oh, so pretty in ribbons and lace
Their hair done in beautiful curls
And they wistfully thought back to childhood's delights
Where could they, they all would soon go
Back to innocent days and sweet happy-dream nights
All brought back by that sound, "Ho ho ho!"

What a sound! What a cry! What sweet beautiful noise!
So rich with sweet memories and dreams!
But to little Sian it was not filled with joys:
When she heard it, she started to scream!
She ran from the place with her hands on her ears,
Her confused mother following after
And it didn't much help that the other kids jeered
And chased her away with their laughter!

Now I know it's cliché when they say, "scarred for life"
But in this case it really is fitting
For poor little Sian for the rest of her life
Never went to a photograph sitting!
And she hated and feared that respectable elf
That the other kids all thought was great
And when she was a mother she said to herself
"I'll prevent my kids sharing my fate."

So she worked and she worked till she got herself hired
At Westaff Recruitment & Co.
And she made sure that every Santa was fired
Who said to the kids, "Ho ho ho."
Now New Zealand is quiet, and St. Nick says, "there, there,"
To the children who sit on his knee
And the mothers who stand by the loudspeakers there
Think, "This isn't how it used to be."

Yes another tradition has gone down the tubes
Another sweet memory shot
By do-gooding, meddling, joy-killing boobs
Who hate anything they haven't got
And one high-strung woman with hair-trigger nerves
As tight as an archer's long bow
Has trampled tradition by ensuring no-one serves
As a Santa, who goes, "Ho ho ho."

Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 01:10 PM

Not that I'm bitter or anything.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 09:40 AM

Great, great and great! Looks like the 'ho's' are slowing down, so here are the latest Silver B.L.O.B.s, and later today the Cow Chips will fly! ;-)

To Clifton53 for this rhythmical rant:

Imagine NO HO HO HO, you can't HO HO NO MO
Santa he was feeling SO PO
It ain't worth any dough, to mess with Santa's M.O.
NO MO HO, HO NO MO, NO MO HO
NO MO HO, HO NO MO, NO MO HO



To Deda for her riotous repetitions with:

My sleigh is all packed up for Christmas
The reindeer are ready to go
If they don't like my laugh in New Zealand
Let's see how they like No, no, no
Let's see how they like No, no, no
Let's see how they like No, no, no
Instead of my laugh, in New Zealand,
A weak-bellied message of No.



And to mousethief, for his imaginative summing up of the story with:

Yes another tradition has gone down the tubes
Another sweet memory shot
By do-gooding, meddling, joy-killing boobs
Who hate anything they haven't got
And one high-strung woman with hair-trigger nerves
As tight as an archer's long bow
Has trampled tradition by ensuring no-one serves
As a Santa, who goes, "Ho ho ho."



Well done, my darlin's!

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:15 AM

Before Áine draws a line under this one, the final instalment of my mini folk opera. To the tune of "Joe Hill". Nollaig Shona!

I dreamed I saw St Nick last night
Alive as you and me
"But" I said "Father Christmas
You've been banished from NZ
Banished from NZ"

"The town clerks sought to neuter you
To muzzle and to tame
To tidy up and modernise
You wouldn't play their game
You wouldn't play their game"

And standing there as large as life
His beard as white as snow
His cheeks as red as rubies
He answered "Ho ho ho"
He answered "Ho ho ho"

"The town clerks sought to silence me
They lectured and they nagged
They tried to limit and control
To stifle and to gag
To stifle and to gag"

"Then Santa Claus went out on strike
And watched the town clerks sweat
Then came the town clerks backing down
And letters of regret
And letters of regret"

Throughout the Southern Hemisphere
Each country's passing laws
Making it illegal
To mess with Santa Claus
To mess with Santa Claus


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:36 AM

OK, Aidan, I won't put paid to this Challenge! before I award you a Double Silver B.L.O.B. for these two verses in the last of your opus:

"Then Santa Claus went out on strike
And watched the town clerks sweat
Then came the town clerks backing down
And letters of regret
And letters of regret"

Throughout the Southern Hemisphere
Each country's passing laws
Making it illegal
To mess with Santa Claus
To mess with Santa Claus



Brilliant! -- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Deda
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:44 AM

Mousethief, I didn't think "bitter" when I read it, I thought "Talent".


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 02:15 PM

Going to the Zoo ... Tom Paxton

I got a little off topic here, I found a funny little detour or two and followed them.

Gotta have the Ho Ho Ho

Santa's gonna be at the mall tomorrow,
Mall tomorrow, Mall tomorrow;
Santa's gonna be at the mall tomorrow,
And we can sit on his knee.

Chorus
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!

See the white beard and the huge bag he's Bringin'.
Big Red nose and bag he's bringin'
Lots a toys in the bag he's bringin'
And we're gonna get some too.

Chorus
He's gotta say the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!

Little red sleigh is the transportation
To all the boys and girls in that southern nation
Venison powered transportation
A buffet pulling the sleigh

Chorus
He's gotta say the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!

There's a polar bear, and he's following Santa,
Eating little kids, and he's following Santa,
A taste for recruiters,and he's following Santa,
But he's scared by the Ho Ho Ho

Chorus
He's gotta say the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!

Christmas seals coming in his mailbox
Santa won't touch 'em but they're in my mailbox
Santa won't touch 'm cause He's scared of Anthrax
And he's got no Cipro

Chorus
He's gotta say the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!

(slower) Well Santa's in the Chimney and he's gettin' sleepy,
Carbon Monoxide, gettin' sleep sleep sleepy,
Nearrly passed out and he's sleep sleep sleepy,
You should have cleaned the Flue

Shoulda cleaned the Flue, flue, flue;
Santa's gonna sue, sue, sue;
Your're in such a stew, stew stew;
Shoulda cleaned the Flue, flue, flue;

Santa's taking us to court tomorrow,
Court tomorrow, court tomorrow;
Santa's taking us to court tomorrow,
The American way.

Chorus
He's gotta say the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!

Chorus
He's gotta say the Ho Ho Ho;
New Zealand Says No No No:
Does that ever blow blow blow?
We gotta have the Ho Ho Ho!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Áine
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 05:16 PM

Well, all right then ;-) You all should be proud of yourselves for turning out a varied, varicose and very, very funny collection of 'Don't Heave The Ho' songs ;-) Cudos, congrats and muchas mercis to each of you. And here are the (flying) Golden Cow Chips that you all so richly deserve . . . and keep those quill tips warm -- 'cuz I have a little treat for y'all in the next Challenge! comin' up soon --

-- Áine

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):

HO HO HO HO by Clifton53
That Ho Must Go by Giok

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):

The Ballad of Sian Barber, Neurotic by mousethief
Gotta Have The Ho Ho Ho by Jack the Sailor
I Dreamed I Saw St. Nick by derrymacash

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

A Most Miserable Man by derrymacash

Winners Of The Golden Cow Chip Award With Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

A (Modern) Visit from St. Nicholas by Lin in Kansas
Can't Be Santa by Jack the Sailor
Up On His Lap by Genie

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award (The Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award is given to the Challenge!rs who warm the cockles and create a special warm and fuzzy feeling in the heart of the Keeper of the Book in a song):

Arrest That Merry Gentleman by McGrath of Harlow
Christmas Time in Wellington by derrymacash
Come Back Father Christmas to Palmerston North by derrymacash
Santa the Beau by Deda


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: mousethief
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 05:53 PM

Deda, you flatterer!

And thank you once again, Aine, for the lovely challenge and for the GCC.

Alex


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 74
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 07:40 PM

Dear Áine --

Bless your heart, thank you for the GCCWMMSPS (can't say that fast three times). I'll display it proudly on my virtual mantel!

Lin


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