Folklore: Limericks [9]

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 28 Jun 02 - 11:13 AM

There was a young girl fromthe Clyde
Who ate some green apples and died
For the apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside 'er insides.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bullfrog Jones
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 07:12 PM

A very strange bunch are Mudcatters
As a rule they're all mad as hatters
They find it a doddle
To spout utter twaddle
But always talk sense when it matters

BJ

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: VoxFox
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 07:03 PM

I'll try my hand at another.
A very fine fellow named Spaw
Met with Cletus, the Reg Boys and Paw
They had bacon and beans
Well, you KNOW what that means
A new paint job is needed!(GUFFAW!)
I'll go now...VF

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 01:31 PM

A young architect named Yoric
One morning, while feeling euphoric,
Produced for inspection
Three kinds of erection,
Corintian, Ionic and Doric.

and an old favourite:

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The colour was fine
Likewise the design
But the aroma, now THAT was a failure!

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 11:27 AM

A bold Knight from old Ankh-Morpork
Decided to go for a walk.
He'd survived the crusades,
So he went to 'The Shades'.!
And this Knight, his last word was just "Squawk"!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 06:30 AM

The people at Mudcat, it seems
Can write lyrics and tunes in their dreams
But when I start to sing
the usual thing
Is my singing is drowned by their screams!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: VoxFox
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 07:03 AM

Here's one I wrote (please don't throw veggies, makes a mess on your screen*BG*)
There's a place on the Web called Mudcat
And the people there know where it's at
They can talk everyday
'bout the songs that they play
Yes, they certainly know sharp from flat.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 06:22 AM

There was a young girl, a songwriter

Whose voice just got quieter and quieter

Until one day

It just faded away

rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Hecate
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 06:10 AM

There was a young man from taskent Whose penis was terribly bent to save himself trouble he bent the thing double and instead of coming he went.

There was a young lass from Devizes Who had breasts of varying sizes one was so small it was nothing at all but the other was large and won prizes.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 05:53 AM

To clarify the earlier post,(5 up from here). An old name for Salisbury, still in use liturgically is Sarum. And this is often used as an altenate pronunciation. One assumes that other words with similar spelling can be treated in the same manner!
By the same token, the County of Hampshire is often referred to in speaking as 'Hants'.
The limerick should now make more sense.

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 05:26 AM

There was a young girl from Darjeeling,
Who could dance with remarkable feeling
For miles around
There was never a sound
Save of fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

or, the version written by Spike Milligan R.I.P.

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Who boarded a bus at Ealing
It sid on the door
"Please don't spit on the floor"
So he stood up, and spat on the ceiling.

An elderly queer from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They lay on his bed
'Til he finally said
"Who does what?, with what?, and to whom? !"

The above is not considered 'pc', but
"It's hard to find for love nor money
A joke that's clean, and also funny!"

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: MarkS
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 10:57 PM

Don't forget the young woman from Exeter
So beautiful men crained their necksather
One was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distingushing mark of his sexather.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bullfrog Jones
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 07:23 PM

And in the same spirit, Nigel and Willa:
There was a young man called Noti
Whose favourite food was ghoti
He said on the whole
I prefer Dover Sole
As it's just the right shape for my doti
BJ

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Willa
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 04:50 PM

LOL, Nigel
And...
A very polite man named Hawarden
Went out to pick flowers in his gawarden.
If he trod on a slug
A worm or a bug
He would instantly say, "I beg pawarden."
and

She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very night
This Mr. kr. sr.

Sorry, Bill D, but..

There was a young man of Japan,
Who wrote verse that never would scan.
When they said, "But the thing
Doesn't go with a swing!"
He said, "Yes, but I always like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can "

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 05:54 AM

First, one of my own, which seems to have escaped from another thread.

Bill Shatner wrote all of "Tek War",
So he claims, though I'm not too sure.
Reviews I've seen posted
Suggest it was 'ghosted',
But watch out for that damned libel law!

And, for the cognoscenti

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were quite halisbury scalisbury.
He rode around Hampshire
Without any pampshire
'Til the Bishop insisted he walisbury!

(some knowledge of English pronunciation/ alternate placenames required!)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Janice in NJ
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 10:25 PM

Sorry about the stray mark. Let's try it again.


A mathematician named Paul,
Has a dodecahedronal ball;
The cube of it's weight,
Times his tool, in Base 8,
Is his phone number -- give him a call!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Janice in NJ
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 10:21 PM

A mathematician named Paul,
Has a dodecahedronal ball;
The cube of it's weight,<
Times his tool, in Base 8,
Is his phone number -- give him a call!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: bob schwarer
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 07:53 PM

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her:
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed!

There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so very nice
She ate far too much spice
And pickled her internal workins.

thginK fo namow gnuoy a saw erehT
,thgir eht ot tfel eht morf etirw dluow ohW
rorrim a ni dekool ehs liT'
.rorre reh derevocsid dnA
!thgir eht morf tfel eht ot setirw ehs woN

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,RobRoy
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 02:14 PM

Couldn't resist it , here comes one old, and one new.

When Titian was mixing rose madder, his model sat perched on a ladder. The position, to Titian, suggested Coition! So he hopped up the ladder and had her.

Our Plumbers new toilet creation, Immediately caused a sensation. In the wink of an eye It would unzip your fly' and simulate master-bi-ation!!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Chip2447
Date: 21 Jun 02 - 10:03 PM

There once was a girl named Tina,
who wanted to play the ocarina.
So, she asked her friend Chip,
who is rather quite hip
if he could teach her the Macarina.

Chip pondered a bit and said,
Tina, I'd rather be in bed.
But no such luck,
she left in his truck
and went to visit Cleigh O'Possum instead.

He tried his sorrows to numb,
well drenched with a bottle of rum.
And as for Tina,
the last time that he seena
she was naked in bed with a possum.

Okay, okay, I'l quit now... Chip2447, (the ocarinageek)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: MudWeasel
Date: 21 Jun 02 - 02:45 AM

There once was a lad from Purdue
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

and then you have:

There once was a man from verdun.

I won't even start with the Zen limerick about the guy named Nero.

-MW

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Lynn
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 10:43 PM

Any limerick can be sung to the hymn tune "Blest Be the Tie That Binds":

I wish that my room had a floor/I don't care so much for a door/But this walking around/without touching the ground/Is really becoming a bore!

Courtesy of G. Ackeroid

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 07:48 PM

ObFolk:

There was once an old person of Tring,
Who, whenever they asked him to sing,
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell `God
Save the Weasel' from `Pop Goes the King'".

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,yum yum
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 02:28 PM

There was an old lady from Fife

who was dyslexic most of her file.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Chip2447
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 02:12 PM

There once was a man from Clyde,
whose wife just up and died.
Rather than being blue,
he found another ewe,
and crossed over to the other side.


A man named big Sam has died,
and four hundred women cried.
They buried Sam down
under six feet of ground,
and most of him still stood outside.

Chip2447

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: gnu
Date: 20 Jun 02 - 11:02 AM

Yesterday morning I was asleep well after I arose. A post to the "Jiggly" thread made me write this whilst I was still attemting waking.

There once was a gigolo who was fat, So he couldn't quite get to where it's at, When faced with disgrace, He graced with his face, And now he's well paid for that.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Dec 01 - 09:46 AM

Old Spaw doesn't give a rat's ass
Who thinks he is vulgar and crass.
If you deign to judge him,
It won't even budge him.
He'll just tell you to go fuck yourself.

"When Spaw tells the GUEST what to do
With himself and his prick and his flue
the GUEST should take heed
and be sure to proceed
or the rest of us will tell him TOO."

Hey Bertie, relax, don't get tense.
My last post was in Spaw's defense.
It's true, is it not?
Don't be such a snot.
I honestly meant no offense.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,rudolreindeer
Date: 15 Dec 01 - 03:20 AM

Jingle Bells, Santa smells And I hate WallMart Hay I wish I wuz in Moscow Town Humpin Ludmilladear

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bert
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 10:27 PM

When Spaw tells the GUEST what to do
With himself and his prick and his flue
the GUEST should take heed
and be sure to proceed
or the rest of us will tell him TOO.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 06:49 PM

ahh,,but there is SO much more to the Sparta one!

look here at my early post...

a true classic which 'mostly' scans

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: brid widder
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 01:49 PM

an insatiable lady from Spain

Had multiple sex on the brain

she liked it again and again and again

and again and again and again

and to re-introduce a musical element...

A student of music from Sparta

Was a truly magnificent farter

on the strength of one bean

He'd fart God save the Queen

And Beethovens Moonlight sonata

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 09:15 AM

Old Spaw doesn't give a rat's ass
Who thinks he is vulgar and crass.
If you deign to judge him,
It won't even budge him.
He'll just tell you to go fuck yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 12:02 PM

oh, great...they give a VERY nice explanation of limerick construction , with hints about good style.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 11:38 AM

...and I hereby disavow any that don't scan! I hate awkward, a-rhythmic limericks, except where it is making a POINT about meter.....I guess one reason I seldom write any is that I am too picky about wanting them to be very clever, well constructed and elegant in their filthiness. *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 11:21 AM

my entries..(I never said I WRITE 'em)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:22 AM

Young Simpson's mother did say,
"Your dick's far too flacid today"
"What ails you me lad?"
He said, "Mom, don't be mad,"
"But Grandma's a much better lay!"

......back atcha' Snuff.....

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:19 AM

There was a young man named Morse
Who went for a ride on a donkey
He tripped on a hummock
and fell on his head
And got up and said "tut tut!"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: DeanC
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:11 AM

Tallulah, a calico cat
On the highway was chasing a rat
Along came a truck
And the cat didn't duck
Now she's happy in heaven - but flat.

With apologies to Eric Bogle for the idea.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 08:35 AM

Hehehehe...you dirty b@st@rds...

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 08:27 AM

There was a young fellow called Simpson
And he was a whore's and a pimp's son
When he went to bed
With his mother, she said
It's no fucking use if it's limp, son

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 02:04 AM

Aw geez Seamus.....but .....Well,okay.........

A long knifelike cock had Benjamin Hunt
It was sharp and not at all blunt
T'was very well known
And he couldn't get blown
But he could really tear up a cunt!

Young Janie loved playing pretend
Her vibrator was her best friend
In her twat! Up her ass!
In her mouth! Ain't that crass?
But she lost all her teeth in the end.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 12:19 AM

OK, Spaw.

To his son, said a fellow named Patterson
"When dating young girls, pick them fatter,son."
So the son dated one
Who weighed over a ton,
"Step aside," said hs dad, "let me at 'er son!"

There was an old bishop from Franktom
Who checked all the nuns and he ranked 'em,
As to depth of the twat
And how cold or how hot,
And rthe way that they fucked in his sanctum.

You're up.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:57 PM

Does it strike anyone else as vaguely miraculous that Spaw can come up with crap like that one minute, and the next can write an original, balanced, coherent ande accurate imitation of Wittgenstein? Obviously, he retired too early -- IBM Needs You, Spaw!!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:48 PM

Yeah....Well..............

The priests of St. Patrick's confessed it.
Young Sister Ann is the absolute best yet.
They plumbed deep in the ass,
Of the lovely young lass,
And now when she shits they all bless it.

Okay...For sheer grossness and sacrelige, beat that.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM

There was a young fellow called Munchez,
Whose Language was mostly atrunchez,
All he could say,
Through the whole live-long day
Was, "Yez baastards! Yez fuckers! Yez cunchez!"

There was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were very unstable,
One night at full moon,
She went down with a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.

There was a young lass from the Azores,
Whose cunt was al festered with sores,
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

OK, Spaw, you're up!

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: ddw
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 10:57 PM

Uh-oh, Spaw. You've got competition.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: musicmick
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 10:53 PM

Well, I'm glad to see that these threads have reached their intelectual apex. Limericks are the "Bubblegum" of humor, fit for the unfit, only. Needless to say, I've written hundreds of them. I have, even, had limerick writing contests for my readers (I write a rambling column for a folksong publication in Philadelphia). I insisted that their submissions be within the bounds of good taste, as my editor is so straight, he wouldn't say, "come" with a drop on his gum. When I was conducting the campfire sings at the Philly Festival (a nocturnal obligation I fulfilled for thirty years) my rules were more relaxed. Here's one I wrote for the traditional Smut Hour.

Sure as mug shots yield non-words like muggery/ Sure as graverobbers gave us skullduggery/ There's a six legged lass/ With a cock up her ass/ The true ante-cedent of buggery.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 08:32 PM

First .... Very nice Amos. I'll deal with you later....

Let me say that it is not uncommon for me to get e-mails and PM's from other 'Catters with some info or a website or something they have found somewhere that for some reason made them think of me. These are generally forwarded with note inferring that the sender wouldn't use it, but I was of course free to do so. Uh, huh............Meaning: "I wouldnt want anyone to know I found such crap, but I'm sending it to you because Ol' Spaw will post anything!

Sadly, this is true.

I have never revealed the 'Catters who have sent me so many of these "jewels," for which I am widely known and often criticized.....and I won't in this case either, although if you read closely, I have spelled it out for you.

Now, I am about to post another....this time on a dare. I expect to catch some flak, but it's important to maintain your rep so.........After receiving this turkey here I enjoy my exultation.........In what you ask? Well, winning the bet of course!

There was a young man named Souse,
Who traded his wife for an outhouse,
When folks asked him, "Why",
He just slapped his thigh,
And said "'Cause the hole was smaller and it smelled better !!!"

Really gawdawful and insulting as hell ain't it? But there you have it!!!

Spaw---(Did see the name of the 'Catter? It's there!!)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 12:01 AM

A Clean Nantucket Limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried a fish in a bucket
He screamed and he hollered
As he sat on a bollard
"This thing stinks so bad I should chuck it!"

Wincing Devil   >;-( He who laughs last, missed that particular Sienfeld episode

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Hagbardr
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 10:16 PM

There once was a man from Madras Who had balls made our of fine brass In times of bad weather He'd clang them together And sparks would fly out of his arse

There once was a young knight from France Who decided to give sex a chance To Scotland he travelled His belt he unraveled And skewered a sheep on his lance

There once was a young lad from Brighton Who remarked his first lay was a tight'un She said "you're a fool you've got the wrong hool there's plenty more room in the right'un!"