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Song Challenge! - Part 78

Áine 31 Dec 01 - 07:11 PM
Amos 31 Dec 01 - 08:23 PM
Amos 01 Jan 02 - 05:19 PM
Jack the Sailor 01 Jan 02 - 08:37 PM
Aidan Crossey 02 Jan 02 - 06:45 AM
Amos 02 Jan 02 - 09:54 AM
Aidan Crossey 02 Jan 02 - 10:12 AM
Charley Noble 02 Jan 02 - 10:51 AM
Aidan Crossey 02 Jan 02 - 11:46 AM
MMario 02 Jan 02 - 12:02 PM
Genie 02 Jan 02 - 04:53 PM
Áine 02 Jan 02 - 07:43 PM
Matthew Edwards 02 Jan 02 - 09:47 PM
Amos 02 Jan 02 - 11:39 PM
Genie 03 Jan 02 - 02:05 AM
GUEST,Sonja 03 Jan 02 - 04:13 AM
Aidan Crossey 03 Jan 02 - 04:47 AM
Aidan Crossey 03 Jan 02 - 08:07 AM
Aidan Crossey 03 Jan 02 - 08:09 AM
Fibula Mattock 03 Jan 02 - 09:18 AM
Amos 03 Jan 02 - 09:20 AM
Aidan Crossey 03 Jan 02 - 10:20 AM
Áine 03 Jan 02 - 10:23 AM
Fibula Mattock 03 Jan 02 - 10:39 AM
Aidan Crossey 03 Jan 02 - 11:15 AM
GUEST,Deda 03 Jan 02 - 11:53 AM
Áine 03 Jan 02 - 11:58 AM
Jack the Sailor 03 Jan 02 - 02:40 PM
MMario 03 Jan 02 - 02:59 PM
Áine 03 Jan 02 - 04:28 PM
Clifton53 03 Jan 02 - 05:19 PM
Genie 03 Jan 02 - 06:41 PM
Amos 03 Jan 02 - 07:00 PM
Bradypus 03 Jan 02 - 07:07 PM
Genie 03 Jan 02 - 08:57 PM
Áine 03 Jan 02 - 10:03 PM
Amos 03 Jan 02 - 10:32 PM
Áine 03 Jan 02 - 10:50 PM
GUEST,Sonja 03 Jan 02 - 11:34 PM
Clifton53 04 Jan 02 - 12:05 AM
Genie 04 Jan 02 - 03:07 AM
Aidan Crossey 04 Jan 02 - 10:51 AM
Áine 04 Jan 02 - 12:01 PM
Deda 04 Jan 02 - 06:45 PM
Amos 04 Jan 02 - 07:01 PM
MMario 04 Jan 02 - 07:08 PM
Genie 05 Jan 02 - 05:50 AM
Genie 05 Jan 02 - 05:58 AM
Áine 05 Jan 02 - 11:46 AM
Deda 05 Jan 02 - 09:39 PM
Áine 06 Jan 02 - 12:29 PM
GUEST 07 Jan 02 - 01:04 AM
Aidan Crossey 07 Jan 02 - 05:10 AM
Genie 07 Jan 02 - 02:23 PM
Áine 07 Jan 02 - 06:41 PM
Aidan Crossey 02 Jan 03 - 12:05 PM
Áine 02 Jan 03 - 12:07 PM
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Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 31 Dec 01 - 07:11 PM

I know, I know, 'where the hell has she been?!?', right? Well, this year the family Christmas was at Moon on the Hill -- meaning that I had to plan, buy, and cook for twelve people AND clean it all up afterwards -- then, I dove into the two fantastic books I received from Dear Hubby (one down, and one-half to go...) -- then, the 28th was my darlin' middle son's birthday (more planning, buying, cooking, etc.). After dear Amos gave me a call and goosed me into remembering that I'd left y'all hanging back in Challenge! 77, I got started on html-ing y'alls songs to get them into the Book . . . and then, I decided to grind some gourmet coffee beans for Dear Hubby and myself to enjoy . . . Who remembers the incident this spring with me, the pickaxe and the phone line? . . .

Yes, the top slipped off before the blades stopped turning . . . No, I didn't grind any power chords or electric lines . . . just the top of my right thumb - OUCH!!! So, it'll be a couple of days before I can complete posting the songs from Challenge! 77. Sorry.

Meanwhile, let's start the New Year off with a great Challenge! idea from dear Amos -- and you 'old timers' might want to peruse the Challenge!s from the Past for that poor ol' uncle who got left under the bushes . . . well, looks like it runs in the family --

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, But Rita Got Returned To Wal-Mart OMAHA, Nebraska (Reuters) - A Nebraska woman who received an ornate box for Christmas and returned it to Wal-Mart without looking inside discovered later it contained the ashes of her recently deceased sister, a newspaper reported on Friday. Judy Money received the box as a gift from her brother who lives in Iowa. But after unwrapping the package on Christmas Eve she saw the box had a broken knob and decided to return it to Wal-Mart without ever looking at the contents inside, the Omaha World-Herald reported. When Money later confessed to her brother that she had returned his gift, he told her the box contained the ashes of their sister, who had died Dec. 11, the Herald said.

Marvin Tippery, Money's brother, told the Herald he was shocked when he found out she had returned the box. "No, no, you didn't! Your sister was in there," the Herald quoted him as telling Money.

Money told the Herald she made a mad dash back to Wal-Mart, but the box had already been thrown out with the trash.

Money and her brother finally found the box on Thursday amid trash piles at an area landfill.

"My prayers have been answered," she told the Herald. "Just the thought of having her in the dump was awful."

Enjoy!

-- Áine (the thumbless)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 31 Dec 01 - 08:23 PM

Boy, TGG, this is really thumbthing!! I suggest you keep it open a fe days for foks to recover from their madcap evenings playing Western Roulette (its like Russian roulette, only instead of a pistol you take a car onto a public thoroughfare after ten p.m. on New Year's Eve anywhere west of Saint Petersburg, Russia).

At least now everyone knows you haven't been sitting on it!! (Your thumb, I mean). So now, do you ask your guests "Would you like Thumb Coffee?". (Badabing, badaboom!).

Sister Got Donated to a Landfill
Molly, I Hardly Knew Ya
All She Is Is Dust in the Wind
Ashes, Trashes, All Fall Down
It's a Long Long Way to Tip a Sibling
Oh. Where, Oh, Where Has My Little Sis Gone?
Oh, Bring Back My Sister to Me
Wish I'd Got a Refund on My Sister Kate

and about thirty variations on getting your ashes hauled come to mind.

Good to see you back -- at least most of ya!! Hope your digit converts to normal analog!!

A.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 02 - 05:19 PM

Well, here's an offering for the blessing of the Goddess in the forthcoming year.

I Sent My Sister to A Landfill

Tune: "I Didn't Know God Made Honkie-Tonk Angels" (Click to Play)

 

I never look at Xmas gifts too closely
I get so many of them, don't you know?
And if something in my stocking doesn't please me,
Right back to Sachs or Walmart it will go

Chorus:
 

I didn't mean to send my sister to a landfill
I don't hate her all that deeply anymore!
But the box you chose to hold her mortal ashes
Would have better suited someone who was poor!
 
Now I know my sister never would forgive me
'Cuz I chose the path of leisure and of wealth,
She cursed my for a compromising bourgeois
And went off to join with Sun Yung Moon, herself

Cho.

That was many years ago, when we were twenty,
And I went ahead and married Bubba Sam;
He's made millions building new homes for the Yuppies;
Sis just spits but that's the kind of girl I am!

Cho.

Now I love my triple-king size bed for sleeping.
And my deep pile woolen carpets on the floor.
I have fifteen kinds of jets in my Jacuzzi,
And everybody knows that I ain't poor.

Cho.

Little Sister though, she never made a penny,
And her marriage to the Moonies didn't work.
And she moved back in to Momma's house in Shallcross
On the whole she's really been a little jerk.

Cho.

When I sent that tacky pine thing back to Walmart,
You'll forgive me if I did not look within!
How was I to know you'd put her ashes in it?
Cuz it's not like having standards is a sin!

Cho:

Chorus:
 

I didn't mean to send my sister to a landfill
I don't hate her all that deeply anymore!
But the box you chose to hold her mortal ashes
Would have better suited someone who was poor!

Regards,

A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 01 Jan 02 - 08:37 PM

Amos here's my rendition for the first suggestion on your list.

Sister Was Located in a Landfill

Sister was located in a landfill
When she was returned on boxing day
You can we she don't deserve a refund
cause the ashes were put in the box that way

Well the handle it was broken
When Judy unwrapped her Christmas Prez
But her sister was inside it
At least that is what her brother sez

When he found out three days later
When he told her the contents of the case
She returned to the refund desk at Walmart
She almost tore a new door in the place

CHORUS

Its a boxing day tradition
to bring tacky presents back
Who can blame her if she didn't like it
Brought it back and bought a pair of slacks.

CHORUS

Now were all so proud of Judy
Sifting through the garbage on her knees
Til she and brother found the ashes in Nebraska
In the landfill pretty as you please

CHORUS

Now the box is on the table
And Judy really starts to burn
Saying brother we'd not have gone through all this trouble
If only you had sent her in an urn.

CHORUS

I warn all you friends and neighbors
Check every Christmas present with your eyes
Especially when they're coming from a brother
Who'd send you some remains for a surprise!

CHORUS




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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 06:45 AM

Inspired by Aine's challenge, the following ditty is based on that great oul'-timer "The Boys Of Tandragee" (coincidentally a place not very far from derrymacash's birthplace!).

THE BOYS OF THE CEMETERY
Good luck and good health to all lovers of song
I'll sing a few lines and I won't keep you long
About how my oul' life began to go wrong
The day that I took to the dyin'.
Death is an ailment we'd all love to shift
We'd love to turn down the burdensome gift
That causes our friends and our kin and our kith
To start weepin' and wailin' and cryin'

CHORUS
So here's to the boys that are deep underground
Spending their death-rest snug, warm and sound
Of care and concern they are mercif'lly free
Those rollickin' boys in the cemetery

To be buried with honour it was my desire
Laid out in my coffin for all to admire
Not to be burnt like a log in the fire
And raked out like a grate in the morning
But it was my misfortune to die unattended
By family or even by those I'd befriended
And so things didn't happen quite as I'd intended
(A cause of even more mourning!)

CHORUS

Laid out in the morgue with a corpse on my right
One on my left and one just out of sight
What one of those boyos said filled me with fright
The prospect I found quite alarming
For twenty one days in this fridge you'll remain
But if by that time you haven't been claimed
The default resort is a dip in the flames
Your oul' corpse will be ripe for the warming

CHORUS

I watched corpses come and I watched corpses leave
Relatives mourned and relatives grieved
But yet from my fate there was no reprieve
They took me away for crematin'
As the oul' flames were beginnin' to burn
I cursed all my family, deserted and spurned
And then they were sweepin' me into an urn
And up on a shelf I lay waitin'

CHORUS

A computer analysis of my dee-en-ah
Proved kinship with Judy in far Omaha
And so they packed up my funeral jar
And despatched it with no special trappin's
And it bein' the time that we all know as Yule
Jude met the postman and thought "Oh how cool!"
She started to dribble and started to drool
As she tore like a beast at the wrappin'

CHORUS

But her hopes for a gift of renown were soon dashed
She moaned with dismay "A box full of ash!"
For she had been naughty, haughty and brash
Bitchy and mean and unpleasant
And she imagined St Nick sort the bad and the good
In the former compartment placing our Jude
And scooping the remnants of burnt-out firewood
And making them into her present

CHORUS

And so with a clang and a bang and a crash
Jude picked up the box containing my ash
And chucked it into the bin that stores trash
No piper, no fancy oration!
And now I must lie in a stinking oul' pit
Surrounded by fish-heads, cabbage leaves, shit
If I was alive, I would issue a writ
And seek some just reparation

CHORUS


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 09:54 AM

LOL, lads!! Beautiful work indeed. Derry, you should go on the pro circuit with your tongue as gold as all that!! Great stuff!!

A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 10:12 AM

Amos ...

What pro circuit would that be? Can't imagine there'd be much call for someone who parodies obscure (sometimes very - possibly wilfully - so) traditional songs to order ... but then again as John Prine says (and I'm not fit to argue) it's a big ol' goofy world ...


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 10:51 AM

Maybe I can work out something with that old time country tearjerker "Little Rosewood Casket" but don't wait for me; the rest of you are more than welcome to try it on for size. If it doesn't work, you can always return the results to Wal-Mart!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 11:46 AM

The following goes to the air of "Patrick's Arrival" which I've only ever heard sung by Christy Moore on his album "The Iron Behind The Velvet". It's a lovely tune …

This is another "oblique" response to one of Áine's challenge!s. Sometimes the original idea's "laterals" strike a chord with me and the result is a far cry from the original story …

THE STATE-SANCTIONED FLAME
You've heard of the brave Joan of Arc
She burnt with barely a grumble
As the flames grew from a spark
She was heard some few prayers to mumble
And those who were there at her pyre
Say she went calmly and bravely
While others sentenced to fire
Were screaming and hollering "Save me"
"Help" and such other things …

Those who worshipped Oul' Nick
In days that we cannot remember
Were burnt when tied to a stick
And thereby reduced to mere embers
They say that quite often the fate
Was one they didn't deserve
And a few went to death quite irate
"Call this justice? You've got a quare nerve!"
(But the flames shut them up in the end …)

But now in the era of light
In the era of civilisation
The state sets no-one alight
In pursuit of rehabilitation
But now when we shake off the coil
The state urges incineration
There's so little room in the soil
They ask us to opt for cremation
(And a scattering, if we desire …)

But ashes are fickle debris
Easy victim to vapours and humours
Happier folks we would be
If we knew that the earth would entomb us
Not to be flambeéd or fried
Not to be flame-grilled or seared
But in a fine box to reside
Complete with a long silver beard
(Or some other sign of great age …)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: MMario
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 12:02 PM

ASHES
(Tune: Memory - from CATS!)

Ashes!
All alone in the dumpster
Has my family forgot me?
Once again, I'm alone

In the darkness
Mold and garbage collect around me
And the worms, begin to crawl

Ashes!
Still alone in the dumpster
I remember the old days
I had a body back then

I remember a time
I knew what living well was
Wish I was living, once again

Still the dumpster seems to shimmer
A winter cold dark warning
Some one mutters, the lid goes shudder
More trash soon is coming

More light!
Someone searches by flashlight
Sister comes to my rescue
(but I will not forgive)

On her mantle
She puts me on constant display
In a new box, bought today.

No more broken, Walmart boxes
No more trash bins and dumpsters
A new urn holds me, a new wheel turning
Another life unfolding

Ashes
Do not ever forget me!
How you thoughtlessly left me
Threw me out with the trash

If you think you
Are forgiven you should think again
Look! I'll haunt you
Once again!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 04:53 PM

So sorry about your thumb, Áine! I sliced off the tip of my left index finger a few years ago, so I can (painfully) relate. I hope it doesn't hurt your playing much.

Welcome back!

Genie


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 07:43 PM

I do believe that some Silver B.L.O.B.s are in order here! ;-) Now that my thumb is less swollen and finally fits into a bandaid, I'm back in shape to dish 'em out!

To Amos, for 'keeping up appearances' around here with:

When I sent that tacky pine thing back to Walmart,
You'll forgive me if I did not look within!
How was I to know you'd put her ashes in it?
Cuz it's not like having standards is a sin!


To Jack the Sailor for his setting of the sybling set-to in:

Well the handle it was broken
When Judy unwrapped her Christmas Prez
But her sister was inside it
At least that is what her brother sez


To mo chara, derrymacash, for this description of the sister's just desserts:

But her hopes for a gift of renown were soon dashed
She moaned with dismay "A box full of ash!"
For she had been naughty, haughty and brash
Bitchy and mean and unpleasant
And she imagined St Nick sort the bad and the good
In the former compartment placing our Jude
And scooping the remnants of burnt-out firewood
And making them into her present


AND for this pithy commentary of the 'hole' business:

But ashes are fickle debris
Easy victim to vapours and humours
Happier folks we would be
If we knew that the earth would entomb us
Not to be flambeéd or fried
Not to be flame-grilled or seared
But in a fine box to reside
Complete with a long silver beard
(Or some other sign of great age …)


To MMario, a Double Dip of the S.L.O.B. for these evocative verses:

On her mantle
She puts me on constant display
In a new box, bought today.

No more broken, Walmart boxes
No more trash bins and dumpsters
A new urn holds me, a new wheel turning
Another life unfolding



Well done, my darlin's -- Keep 'em coming!

-- Áine (the less thumbless . . .)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 09:47 PM

This is definitely an "Ashes to ashes" story if ever I heard one, so something to the tune of Didn't He Ramble seems appropriate.

My mother raised up three young kids, Rita, Marv, and me,
But Rita was the rambler in our family.
She rambled in Iowa, in the country and the town,
She rambled every night and day, 'til the butcher cut her down.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If the rambling don't get you, the landfill must.


Now Marvin put her ashes in an ornate little box,
He posted it to Omaha, but the postman broke the locks.
I took the box to Wal-Mart, to change it for some cash,
They threw it out the back door to mingle with the trash.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If the rambling don't get you, the landfill must.


So don't you go a rambling; you'll be cut down in your prime,
You'll be lying in a landfill tip long before your time.
The moral of this story is - remember if you're able -
Post your Christmas gifts in time, and don't forget the label!

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If the rambling don't get you, the landfill must.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 11:39 PM

Great number, Matthew!! Especialy the punchline!

A.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 02:05 AM

Well, personally, I find it hard to be as funny with this one as with #77 (due to the subject matter), but here goes:

Will My Sister's Box Be Broken
words: Genie
tune: Guess what??

Chorus:
Will my sister's box be broken?
It went bump! into that hump.
Will we find her ashes waiting
In the dump, Lord, In the dump?

I was standing in the corner
By the tree on Christmas Eve
When I saw the handle broken
On that cheap little box my brother gave.

Well I took it back to Walmart,
Thought at least I'd get some cash.
But I could not hide my sorrow
When they said it'd gone out with the trash.

Then my brother said, "You idiot!
That was no ordinary box --
It held the ashes of our sister
Who succumbed to the chicken pox!"

Chorus:
Well my sister's box was broken
So I traded it for cash.
Never dreamed my sis was in there--
Her sweet ash, Lord, her sweet ash.

So I told that trash collector,
"Trash collector, please drive fast--
Got to search that crap you're haulin'
To retrieve our sister's ash!"

Well we scrambled through that garbage--
All that smelly junk and trash!
Were our tears from the stench or sorrow?
Couldn't find our sister's precious ash.

Chorus:
Well my sister's box was broken
And it went out with the trash.
Now my bro and I are searching
Through fair Omaha's refuse stash.

Brother sat on two dead possums
And I stepped in a turd or two
While we searched for her dear ash box--
Sister dear, look at all we've done for you!

One by one we sifted through them,
One by one, those piles of filth.
Will you be back on our mantel
Or spend eternity as tilth?

Chorus:
Well, dear sis, your box was broken
And it went out with the trash.
Now dear Marvin and I are searching
This disgusting refuse stash.

Little sister, is it worth it--
This revolting, tiresome chore
Just to find your f**king ashes??
You were always a little ... er ,,,bore!!

If the box that you now rest in
Has its handle broke, it's fair,
For your own was broken early;
You were always trashy--so there!

Chorus:
Well, dear sis, your box was broken,
So, we're searching through the trash.
Getting cut and bruised and smelly
Just to save your precious ash!

At last, we've found you, and all's forgiven,
Sis, we're overjoyed for sure!
Now we'll spread you in the garden
With the compost and manure.

Chorus:
Wel my sister's box was broken
But the dump it has endured.
Now we'll spread her ashes gaily
With the compost and manure.

Genie


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 04:13 AM

MMario, that was MMahvelous!!
Derry, you are delightfully mad, as usual!
Sonja

Unfortunate Miss Rita
Words: Sonja W. Oates
tune: Miss Bailey's Ghost

A lady fair in Omaha who got a box for Christmas
Discovered it was damaged goods and shouted out "What is this"!?"
You'd think a store as fine as Walmart would not try to cheat ya!"
She took the crummy box right back, no thought of sister Rita.

Oh, Miss Rita, unfortunate Miss Rita!

That night before she went to bed, she called her brother Marvin.
Who said, "You know, to buy that box, for two months I've been starvin'!"
"Too bad," said she, "the box was junk. To Walmart I've returned it."
"Our sister's bod it held," he cried, "except, well, they had burned it!"

Oh, Miss Rita, unfortunate Miss Rita!

To Walmart then the two did dash, in hopes of saving sister.
"Tsk! Tsk!" the manager replied, "It seems that you just missed her.
The trash has just gone out, you see. Your sister's ash was in there.
You might explore the city dump--though no sane person's been there!"

Oh, Miss Rita, unfortunate Miss Rita!

"Look here," said Judy, "could this be our dear departed Rita?"
Cried Marvin, "No, it's just a decomposing Weekly Reader."
"This dump," said Judy, "is so full of yucky, foul detritus
And any remnants we may find just might be sister Rita's."

Oh, Miss Rita, unfortunate Miss Rita!

At last they stumbled on the box 'mid vast decaying matter
And took their dear old sister home, her ashes now to scatter.
"God bless us, everyone!" proclaimed the ghost of sister Rita,
I didn't want to smell like garbage when I meet St. Peter!"

Oh, Miss Rita! They've rescued sister Rita!

"Thank Heaven, Rita!" then they cried, "Since we have found your box now
You'll live forever 'mid the daffodils and hollyhocks now.
"These words inscribe upon my grave." said she to those who'd freed 'er,
"'Blast that wicked Walmart chain for trashing poor Miss Rita!'"

Sonja


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 04:47 AM

A skit on "Ring of Fire"

BURNED THEN SPURNED
By Johnny Ash

Death is a dreadful thing
With the threat of the fiery sting
I went not gentle, went not mild
Ooooh, and the fire went wild

CHORUS
I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, and the flames leapt higher
I've been burned then spurned
The ring of fire
The ring of fire

Sister Judy's sweet
I think. We don't much meet.
She lives out in Omaha
Me I moved to Iowa

CHORUS

But Sister Judy, she was miffed
What a crappy Christmas gift
Just a box that's full of ash
I think I'll chuck it in the trash

CHORUS

When she found out her mistake
Sister Judy's heart did break
But then for joy did Judy jump
Found my box at the city dump

CHORUS

Now Sister Judy's built a shrine
Got a little light that shines
My remains are on display
Until Judy's dying day

CHORUS



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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 08:07 AM

Trust the journalists to get the wrong end of the stick! This was not a callous, unthinking act. You see, as the following little ditty points out, Judy had little option other than to reject her poor sister's final remains …

To the tune of that schmaltzy Dolly Parton classic (?!), "Jeannie's Afraid Of The Dark". If you're not familiar with the song, then you're one lucky 'catter, but the following won't make much sense. Probably a small price to pay. (Sorry Dolly, but it's just about as excruciatingly awful as "Old Shep" or "Put My Little Shoes Away"!)

Ladeeez and gennilmen, I give you …

JUDY'S AFRAID OF WAL-MART

Her two little feet would come running into
Our bedroom almost every night
Her soft little cheeks would be wet from her tears
Her little heart pounding with fright
In a voice racked with sobs, she'd cry and explain
"A shop nightmare woke me with a start.
Oh Mummy and Daddy, can I sleep with you?
Cos Judy's afraid of Wal-Mart."

One day in the summer we went to the mall
And we parked in an excellent spot
But Judy refused to abandon the car
She'd stay where she was, though real hot
We pleaded and begged, but she shook her wee head
"From this vehicle I will not depart
Mummy and Daddy, please don't make me shop
Cos Judy's afraid of Wal-Mart"

(Spoken in a trembly, breathy, voice)
Judy was always afraid of Wal-Mart
And we could never understand why
Cos we always bought her her very favourite things there
For Judy was our most spoilt child
If it hadn't been for that wretched irrational fear
Then the ashes thing wouldn't have happened
No-one was to know, I guess
But when she thought the box was from Wal-Mart, she panicked
Took us two days to find those ashes
I spray painted "Not from Wal-Mart"
All over her poor dead sister's ashes
Cos Judy's afraid of Wal-Mart

Judy's afraid of Wal-Mart

first verse edited per request by mudelf ;-)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 08:09 AM

bugger ... third from end line of first verse should have read "A shop nightmare woke me WITH a start"


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 09:18 AM

heh heh hee - I'm still chuckling over these songs! Okay, here's my offering.


The Sister Who Died
(To the tune of Arthur McBride)

I once had a sister, and sadly she died
And when Christmas came round the family all cried
But my brother arrived with a parcel, all-tied
It was on Christmas morning.
But we opened it up and with rage we did stamp
As we gazed on a box with a broken auld clamp
So we wrapped it back up and to Wal-Mart did tramp
To get it exchanged for a new one.

My brother said "Judy, oh what did you do?
You wouldn't have swapped it if only you knew -
Her last resting place was to be here with you
Since she's gone where there is no returning."
Oh I was a fool, though I knew it belated
The box held the ashes of my sister cremated
Oh how could I do this to one so related
And all on Christmas morning?

I went back to Wal-Mart and begged them for word
Of the box with my sister that I had returned
But they told me they'd thrown it away with the dirt
And the bins had been emptied that morning
And so as my penance for being so rash
My brother and I to the landfill did dash
To hunt for the box that contained all the ash
And to sort through the trash in the morning

And as for the box, well we found it at last
But by that stage the best part of Christmas had passed
But we took her back home and we cleaned her up fast
To make sure she "remains" in the family;
But if you are tempted when Christmas comes round
To put your relations six feet underground
Remember to check where the buggers are bound
Or have a hell of time trying to find them.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 09:20 AM

Wow. Wow.

What talent!

A.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:20 AM

Fibula ...

Ye boy ye!

Now ... in your mind's ewar as you wrote did you hear the Paul Brady/Bob Dylan setting or the Planxty setting or "the other one" (he says, aware of a third common setting which most people he knows sing but doesn't have recorded anywhere)?

And to the helpful mudelf (mudhelpf?) go raibh mile maith agat, a chara chairde!

fáilte romhat - an mhudelf í féin ;-)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:23 AM

Oh boy! More great submissions from my darlin's! Time for more Silver B.L.O.B. slingin' ;-) --

To Matthew Edwards for a fantastically funny moral for this story with:

So don't you go a rambling; you'll be cut down in your prime,
You'll be lying in a landfill tip long before your time.
The moral of this story is - remember if you're able -
Post your Christmas gifts in time, and
don't forget the label!

To Genie, for this giggling inducing bit of sybling sniffery:

Little sister, is it worth it--
This revolting, tiresome chore
Just to find your f**king ashes??
You were always a little ... er ... bore!!


To Sonja for this bit of fantastic rhyming verse:

"Look here," said Judy, "could this be our dear departed Rita?"
Cried Marvin, "No, it's just a decomposing Weekly Reader."
"This dump," said Judy, "is so full of yucky, foul detritus
And any remnants we may find just might be sister Rita's."


To mo chara derrymacash for these bits of 'Little Willie'-ish, guilty giggle giving verse:

Now Sister Judy's built a shrine
Got a little light that shines
My remains are on display
Until Judy's dying day


AND

But when she thought the box was from Wal-Mart, she panicked
Took us two days to find those ashes
I spray painted "Not from Wal-Mart"
All over her poor dead sister's ashes
Cos Judy's afraid of Wal-Mart


And to Fibula Mattock, for a beautiful summing up of the dear sisters' parts with:

And as for the box, well we found it at last
But by that stage the best part of Christmas had passed
But we took her back home and we cleaned her up fast
To make sure she "remains" in the family;
But if you are tempted when Christmas comes round
To put your relations six feet underground
Remember to check where the buggers are bound
Or have a hell of time trying to find them.



Wow! You 'Cats are starting 2002 off with a real bang!!

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:39 AM

derrymacash - the Planxty one - the definitive one I think! Even though when I was wee I was convinced they were singing "reindeer" instead of "rapier".
(oh - and much as I like "ye boy ye", I'm definitely a girl!)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 11:15 AM

Sorry Fibula ... I don't know why but I've always imagined from the occasional threads where we've crossed that you were of a male persuasion ... funny how these ideas take root with no basis ... mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, etc.

Interesting that you lean towards the Planxty version rather than towards Paul Brady's. I've always regarded his as the definitive rendering. Maybe it's just the more dramatic rendering. (I have a lot of time for Planxty's version as well ... it sits head and shoulders above some of the other songs on that first album!)

As coincidence would have it, my wife's off for a few days with the kids to visit her ma in Birmingham, so I'm planning to use the rare opportunity of an empty house to do some recording. I've recently discovered the joys of accompanying tunes/songs on a mandola tuned DGDG and want to incorporate this into my home recordings. One of the songs I had planned to record is Arthur McBride.

Oh before closing this message a word of apology to Áine. I PM'd you, raising a query about "the list". I now realise that my query was premature. I see I still have a hurdle to clear. (Sorry to everyone else if this is a bit cryptic. Think of this as a little glimpse into the murky underworld of Áine's song challenge!s!)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: GUEST,Deda
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 11:53 AM

Yikes. As the resident Little Sister, I have to say I'm scared out of my wits by all this. ("What's to become of me? What am I fit for? What have you left me fit for?" -- Eliza Doolittle in GBShaw's Pygmalion.) I'll try to come up with an offering -- but this collection of brilliance is as intimidating as ever. Welcome back, Aine -- sorry about your thumb, hope it recovers well and speedily. We really missed you!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 11:58 AM

Hey Deda! I finally found your PM under my 'alter ego' -- I hope that it's not too late for the info, but to access (all) the Song Challenges of the Past, go to the Song Challenge! Winners page, and click on 'Song Challenge!s From the Past'. That should get you to where you want to go.

And don't forget that the 'challenge' is not between the Challenge!rs, but for your own imagination . . . everyone's a winner here, darlin'! ;-)

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 02:40 PM

Tired of (Nuttin' For) Christmas

The wreaths went up Thanksgiving Day;
Somebody please help me.
Now I wish they would go away;
Somebody please help me.
The radio's playing that Reindeer song
Holiday reruns all day long ;
The bowl game season's been prolonged;
Somebody please help me.

Oh, I'm gettin' tired of Christmas
Don't seem it ever will end.
I'm gettin' tired of Christmas
Its driving me round the bend

Does anyone else feel this way? If you do add a verse!!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: MMario
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 02:59 PM

well Jack - if Christmas wasn't STARTED so early - the traditional twelve days of Christmas wouldn't bug everybody. December 25th is the BEGINNING of a twelve day celebration, remember. It's not our fault the commercial world starts it a month earlier!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 04:28 PM

With a nod to Uncle Frank, here is my humble submission for your perusal. I don't have a tune, so feel free to plug one in yourselves! ;-)

-- Áine

Annie's Ashes Have Gone Missin'

Chorus:
Annie's ashes, they went missin'
While her husband I was kissin'
Underneath a big green bunch of mistletoe
While this mornin' I feel sad
It was quite a time I had
A dancin' and a snoggin' with her Joe!


It was sad, I have to say
That dear Annie'd gone away
And she'd never see another Christmas tree
Then our brother, he appeared
Upon his cheek a tear
And a tatty little box to give to me

Well, I took it from his hands
And this is how my story stands
I placed it with the hats upon the shelf
Then the party, it began
With no further thoughts of Anne
And I have to say I did enjoy myself!

Chorus

On my third jar of white lightnin'
I found it very frightenin'
Seein' all those headless chapeaus dance about
So I tossed 'em in the bin
With a wicked little grin
And to calm myself, I had a pint of stout

'Twas on the breakin' of the morn
With my brain too wrent and torn
That my brother, he began to whinge and wail
Well, I fell flat on my fanny
When he cried, 'Where's dear old Annie?'
And my actions of the night began to mourn

Chorus

Rushin' out into the winter
Anne's recovery was hindered
As I gazed upon the litter on the ground
Then it hit me like a brick
Wading through the refuse thick
That it wasn't in this mess that she'd be found

All the caps and hats were there
(and a bit of someone's hair!)
But the topper for Anne's Joe could not be seen
With a shamefaced little giggle
The solvin' of the riddle
And the answer to the mystery I gleaned

Chorus

I walked back into the house
And as quiet as a mouse
Tiptoed up the stairs and into my bedroom
With his face so pale and wan
A victim of an crúiscín lán
Annie's Joe lay curled up snoring in the gloom

It was plain as he turned over
That we hadn't 'rolled in clover'
Though he was naked head to toe, 'cept for his vest
With a smile upon his face
But his heart in the right place
He had Annie's box clasped tightly to his chest

Annie's ashes, they went missin'
While her husband I was kissin'
Underneath a big green bunch of mistletoe
While this mornin' I feel sad
It was quite a time I had
A dancin' and a snoggin' with her Joe!




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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Clifton53
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 05:19 PM

Garbage Hopper Blues

S'bad enough I'm dead Lord, and should be buried in the clay
Yes it's bad enough I'm dead Lord, I should be buried in the clay
But my sister in Nebraska, she threw my poor remains away

Well my brother he's no genius, but he has a golden heart
Yes my brother ain't no genius, but he has a golden heart
So he shipped me off to sister, in a box from old Wal-Mart

Well the trip was long and lonely, I'm movin' on from sun to sun
Yes the trip was long and lonely, I'm movin'on from sun to sun
I ain't too happy in this carton, I wish this god-damn trip was done

Safe now in Nebraska, I guess my brother done his job
Yes I'm safe now in Nebraska, I guess my brother done his job
But my trip ain't over yet babe, 'cause of a stupid broken knob

Just wanna rest in peace Lord, don't wanna cause a family rift
I just wanna rest in peace Lord, don't wanna cause no family rift
See my brother put my ashes, in my sister's Christmas gift

Well my sister she just tossed me, like a worn out pair of shoes
Yes my sister she just tossed me, like a worn out pair of shoes
Sent me to eternal rest Lord, with the Garbage Hopper Blues

Clifton


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 06:41 PM

The Landfill of Omaha
Words by Genie
Tune: The Streets of Laredo


As I looked out over the Omaha landfill,
As I looked it over one cold Boxing Day,
I spied a young couple all covered in garbage
A-rummaging through the debris in dismay.

"I can see by your outfit that you're a bag lady,
I can see by his outfit that he's homeless, too.
Good folk, let me offer a ride to yon shelter--
If you sit through the sermon, they'll give you beef stew."

"Oh, no," cried young Judy, "You're sorely mistaken!
We're both from Nebraska's society class!
We made the mistake once of shopping at Wal-Mart,
And this is our penance for that social gaffe!

Quoth Marvin, "For Judy I bought a small present,
A small box with contents I had not disclosed.
Inside were the ashes of our dear lost sister
Who perished from junk that she put up her nose.

"'For fun in Nebraska she used to go slumming
'High times in the saddle,' as she used to say.
It first led to drinking, and then banjo-playing
And then that arrest---now she lies here today!

"'Twas inside that small box her ashes were resting,
That broken box Judy returned to the mall.
But Wal-Mart won't hold junk (unless they can sell it),
So they tossed sister out with the garbage and all.

"We should've just buried her inside a coffin
With six burly hunks to lay her down to rest--
Just like old days (except she's, like, dead now)!
Instead she got trashed (and we both look a mess)!

"Oh, we've searched the dump slowly, our backs bending lowly--
At last her sarcophagus box we did find!
Now she won't spend eternity with a rat fraternity---
She just needs repackaging and she'll smell fine!"

Said Judy to Marvin, "Though I may be starvin'
You won't catch me dead in a Wal-Mart again!
Now, take me to Nordstrom's and lay some cash on me
For I am in mourning and it eases my pain!"

verses edited per request by mudelf ;-)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 07:00 PM

Genie:

That's gotta be your best yet!! ROFLMAO!! Pure gold!!!

A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Bradypus
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 07:07 PM

Nice one, Genie!

This one doesn't have a tune, but it might work with a sort of country approach -

Unwanted Presents

Some perfume that I'll never wear
A Mickey-Mouse eared hat
A book that I've already read
And beer that's gone flat –
These are

Unwanted presents
From the bottom of life's sack
All these unwanted presents
I'll simply send them back.


A bath to wash your feet in
And socks to wear in bed
A CD of pop music
that just echoes through my head-
These are

Unwanted presents
They show such lack of taste
All these unwanted presents
They all seem such a waste.


A box, the handle falling off
and funny dust inside
Back to the shop it goes right now-
It cannot be denied
It's an

Unwanted present
I can't take it anymore
What an unwanted present-
So right back to the store.


What's that? Her ashes? Are you sure?
Oh, how can these things be?
I've sent her ashes to the trash
What will become of me?
There's an

Unwanted presence
A chill and spooky air
What an unwanted presence
I feel her everywhere
A haunting unwanted presence
Because I took no care
My sister's unwanted presence
Is with me everywhere.



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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 08:57 PM

Amos,
Glad you approve!

Mudself, can you correct two typos in my last post, please?

The line "It first lead to drinking, and then banjo-playing " should read
"It first led to drinking ... ."

Also, please remove the first "just" in the line
"We just should've just buried her inside a coffin"


Thanks,
Genie



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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:03 PM

Well, well, well -- It appears that you all are warmin' up to this real nice! ;-) Here are the latest Silver B.L.O.B.s to be slung at some wonderful songsters:

To Clifton53 for his fantastic bluesy rendition with:

Well the trip was long and lonely, I'm movin' on from sun to sun
Yes the trip was long and lonely, I'm movin'on from sun to sun
I ain't too happy in this carton, I wish this god-damn trip was done


To Genie, a Golden B.L.O.B. (suitable for hanging on the next Christmas tree!) for:

"We should've just buried her inside a coffin
With six burly hunks to lay her down to rest--
Just like old days (except she's, like, dead now)!
Instead she got trashed (and we both look a mess)!


And to Bradypus, for this spooky little set:

Unwanted presence
A chill and spooky air
What an unwanted presence
I feel her everywhere
A haunting unwanted presence
Because I took no care
My sister's unwanted presence
Is with me everywhere.



Brilliant!

-- Áine (whose thumb was getting better until she took a little (more) off the side last night with her brand-new veggie chopper! Dang, looks like I'll have to be counting my fingers everytime I make stew from now on . . .)

(P.S. -- Didn't anyone like my humble submission above? Sniff, sniff . . .)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:32 PM

Well, personally, I thought it was terrific. But ya know, Aine, what it is, see, is people are beginning to tak about how crazy I am. About your songs, I mean. They're starting rumors on the wenchnet about us. My transcriber is getting suspicious. And her old man is sharpening his over-and-under. So I am a little nervous here. But just between you and me, I loved it.

:>)

A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:50 PM

Ah well, dear Bard, you can't be blamed for your fondness for the lyrical lithesomeness of TGG . . . you see, you have partaken of the Magic Chili and drunk from the enchanted glass of Guinness . . . in other words, 'She put a spell on you' ;-)

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 11:34 PM

Well, Cats,

I've spent way too much time on Song Challenge!s recently, so I may or may not get around to doing anything with any of therse. In the marvelous spirit of Amos, who posted some great beginnings above, I offere these as take-off points for fine poetry and fun.

Sonja

•Ye Smelly Dumps of Omaha
Ye Banks and Braes O' Bonnie Doon

•Paradise
Oh, brother, won't you take me to the Omaha Wal-mart
To the sales refund counter, our sister to save?
"I'm so sorry, folks, but you're too late in asking
For an Omaha dump truck has hauled her away."

•She Lies in the Dump Like a Stale Chunk of Cheese
(The Man on the Flying Trapeze)


•The Dumps Of Omaha (The Ducks of Magheralin, The Fields of Athenry or The Lakes of Ponchartrain)

•Tune: Clementine

Omaha dump, Omaha dump, Omaha dump on my mind.
Sis was lost and gone within you, Now her ashes we must find!


• Bury Me Not In The Garbage Heap
Bury Me Not on the Lone Prairie

•That Landfill Near Omaha (That Valley Near Slievenamon)


•Come back, little sister. (Come back, Paddy Reilly)

Oh come back, sister darlin', from Omaha's dump
Oh, come back, little sister, to me.

•Among The Junk and Trash (Among My Souvenirs)

• My Kid Sister's Box (My Grandfather's Clock)

•The Keeper (Among the Garbage Green-O)

•The Omaha Dump (The Eddystone Light or Piney Wood Hills

• Wild Mountain Thyme
And we'll both go to get her mid the garbage and slime
Out within the dumps Nebraskan
Lies your sister and mine.

• The Ash Hunt (The Ash Grove)

• St James Infirmary (Omaha Landfill)

I went down to the Omaha landfill
To find my sister there
She was scattered among the garbage
So gray, so cold, so bare.

• She's in The Landfill Now (I'm In The Jailhouse Now)

• Grey Is The Color Of My Sister's Ash

• House Of the Rising Sun
There is a dump in Omaha they call the great Landfill
It's the resting place of many a poor girl
And our sister, she's there still!

• The Last Time Ever I Saw Her Box

• Ashes In The Box (Whiskey In The Jar)

• The Marvelous Toy (just seems ripe for a picturesque parody

• Dark As A Dungeon (Dank As A Dung Heap)

• So, Long, It's Been Good To Know Ya

• Jude and Marvin's Rag-tag Band (Alexander's Ragtime Band)

• Early Morning Rain
In The Early Morning Rain, sifting through the piles of trash
With an achin' in our hearts
Lookin' for our sister's ash.
She was resting in a box
Bought from Wal-Mart's mark-down rack.
Now the box is in the dump
And we're trying to get her back.

• Blowin' In The Wind
Her ashes, my friend, are scattered to the winds ... .

• In The Dump Again (On The Road Again)





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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Clifton53
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 12:05 AM

Good Lord Aine!! Get the Hell out of your kitchen, lest you be dis-numbered and flash a 'natchul peace sign!!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 03:07 AM

Áine, your "Annie's Ashes Have Gone Missing" is great -- especially that "remains" double entendre!

Genie

Sonja, old buddy,

If you don't get around to doing anything with Ye Smelly Dumps of Omaha, Paradise, She Lies In the Dump Like Grated Stale Cheese, or Clementine (O-ma-ha Dump), I may jump in there and follow up on one or two of 'em myself.

Genie


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 10:51 AM

A one-off diversion into a parody of an 80s pop song … David Bowie's Ashes to Ashes … I should really stick with stuff I'm familiar with … I'm far happier tearing the ass out of The Ducks of Magheralin or Phil The Fluter's Ball or Nell Flaherty's Drake. But there you go. How could anyone resist parodying "Ashes to Ashes" in this thread?

By the way … if you think the following is a tad oblique, you ought to read the original!

Do you remember your sister, Jude?
I moved out to Iowa
I got a pain in my chest today
Oh no, don't say it's true
I got a visit from the Reaper Grim
I'm happy, hope you're happy too
Got a call to come pick you up
Sordid details following

This perpetual nothing is killing me
Pictures of suburbs replaying
Too little money and way too much hair
It's time to get going

Ashes to ashes funk to funky
Judy chucked me on the junkheap
Better kiss heaven bye bye
I'm at an all-time low

Time and again I tell myself
They'll find me tonight
But the passing of time just deepens me
Oh no, not again
I'm stuck with a dead rat again
I'm happy, hope you're happy too
One lick of flame and I'm like a smoking pistol

I never done good things
I never done bad things
Relocated to Iowa out of the blue
Which I'd listened to mum's advice
I want to come home right now

Ashes to ashes funk to funky
Judy chucked me on the junkheap
Better kiss heaven bye bye
I'm at an all-time low

My mama said you'll not go far
If ever you move to Iowa
(repeat ad nauseam)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 12:01 PM

Dear Genie -- I wish I could take credit for the marvelous double entendre you mentioned; however, that bit of lyrical lithesomeness was propounded by Ms. ;-) Fibula Mattock in this verse:

And as for the box, well we found it at last
But by that stage the best part of Christmas had passed
But we took her back home and we cleaned her up fast
To make sure she "remains" in the family;
But if you are tempted when Christmas comes round
To put your relations six feet underground
Remember to check where the buggers are bound
Or have a hell of time trying to find them.


Fantastic, I agree!!

And here's a Silver B.L.O.B. to Sonja, who didn't have time to write a song, but had time to list some pretty funny stuff, for this hilarious bit o' the chip, offered as inspiration to all of us:

>• Wild Mountain Thyme
And we'll both go to get her mid the garbage and slime
Out within the dumps Nebraskan
Lies your sister and mine.


Here's a S.B.L.O.B. for derrymacsh (he of the angelic voice), for the least 'oblique' bit of his latest offering. I was wondering who would be brave enough to parody Mr. Bowie's song - well done, Aidan!:

Ashes to ashes funk to funky
Judy chucked me on the junkheap
Better kiss heaven bye bye
I'm at an all-time low


Way to go, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

(P.S. Dear Clifton - I'm taking your advice ;-) After all the cook(e)ing I did over the last few days, there's more than enough leftovers to go 'round for the weekend!)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Deda
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 06:45 PM

Took me too long, I know, but better late than... As a grammar nerd I hate to hear people turning nouns into verbs -- but for lyrics it's a handy little gimmick.

Tune = Johnny Paycheck's Take this job and shove it
This Family Can Just shove it!

(CHORUS) This family can just shove it
I ain't sibling here no more
When I was a kid my own mom forgot me
At the grocery store
When she came and got me all the other kids
Tried to push me out the car door
This family can just shove it
I ain't sibling here no more

I'd been relativing in this family
For most of fifty years
Spent ninety percent of my childhood
Burstin' into tears
Even after I up and died
I don't get no respect
Think I'll try to pay back their hides
From down here in heck!

This family can just shove it
I ain't sibling here no more
My sacred ashes got returned unopened
To the corner Wal-Mart store
But my brother yelled, "No, no, you didn't!
Your sister was in there!"
This family can just shove it
I ain't sibling here no more

(Chorus)
Sister Judy is fancy-ass long-nose snob
Brother Marvin is a dope
They had to scramble around the city dump
I was laughing fit to choke!
One of these days I'm gonna rattle my chains
And hoot and howl and shriek
And scare their sorry backsides
To the middle of next week

(Chorus)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Amos
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 07:01 PM

Dang, Deda!! You got the Real Deal Doodah!! That's really funny!!

A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: MMario
Date: 04 Jan 02 - 07:08 PM

not laughing out loud - but did almost choke on my soda!

This family can just shove it
I ain't sibling here no more
My sacred ashes got returned unopened
To the corner Wal-Mart store
But my brother yelled, "No, no, you didn't!
Your sister was in there!"
This family can just shove it
I ain't sibling here no more

brava!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 05 Jan 02 - 05:50 AM

Omaha Dump
Words: Genie (Chorus borrowed, with permission, from Sonja)
Tune: Clementine


Chorus:
Omaha dump, Omaha dump,
Omaha dump dank with grime!
Sister's lost and gone within ya,
Now her ashes we must find.

In a landfill in a cavern
Excavating for some ash
Crawled Nebraskans with their bare hands
Sifting through the miles of trash.

Chorus

Diapers, bras and sheit* and feathers,
Sandal shoes and gum and twine
Herring boxes and old mopses
They must search, their sis to find.

Chorus

"Drove to Wal-Mart Christmas Eve just
To return bad merchandise;
Didn't know our sis was in there,
Having met her sad demise.

Chorus

"Rube-ish clerks there at the Wal-Mart
Blew our chance to take her back;
'Way too fast to the trash they cast 'er,
So we're here--Gawd! What a drag!!"

Chorus

In a corner of the landfill
Where glow eerie, crawly bugs,
There they found their dear departed
'Mid tin cans and Gallo jugs.

Chorus

How they kissed her, how they kissed her,
How they kissed her little box!
Now they've ashes on their glasses
And a mouthful of dirty rocks!

Chorus


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 05 Jan 02 - 05:58 AM

Áine, I'll admit I did misplace the "remains" pun, but I really did ejnoy your poem. If I had the power to bestow B.L.O.B.s, I'd give you at least a silver one for:

"On my third jar of white lightnin'
I found it very frightenin'
Seein' all those headless chapeaus dance about
So I tossed 'em in the bin
With a wicked little grin
And to calm myself, I had a pint of stout."

Genie


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 05 Jan 02 - 11:46 AM

Alrightey, here are the Silver B.L.O.B.s for this fine soft Saturday morn:

To Deda (who obviously is a chip of that ol' hunk of a brother of hers!) for this wonderful and witty verse:

Sister Judy is fancy-ass long-nose snob
Brother Marvin is a dope
They had to scramble around the city dump
I was laughing fit to choke!
One of these days I'm gonna rattle my chains
And hoot and howl and shriek
And scare their sorry backsides
To the middle of next week


And to Genie, for this Spittoon-qualifying bit of hilarity:

How they kissed her, how they kissed her,
How they kissed her little box!
Now they've ashes on their glasses
And a mouthful of dirty rocks!



You go girls! ;-)

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Deda
Date: 05 Jan 02 - 09:39 PM

This was a rich batch all around, and I loved the Clementine version!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 06 Jan 02 - 12:29 PM

Fantastic, wunnerful and amazin' start to 2002, dear Challenge!rs!! Yee-haw to each and everyone of you! Here are the first Golden Cow Chips for the year -- cudos, congrats and well done to everyone:

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):

Ashes to Ashes Funk to Funky by derrymacash
The Sister Who Died by Fibula Mattock

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):

Ashes To Ashes by Matthew Edwards
I Sent My Sister to A Landfill by Amos
Judy's Afraid of Wal-Mart by derrymacash

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

The Landfill of Omaha by Genie
Sister Was Located in a Landfill by Jack the Sailor
Unfortunate Miss Rita by Sonja

Winners Of The Golden Cow Chip Award With Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Omaha Dump by Genie

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Cleigh's Blue Fume Shield (Cleigh's Blue Fume Shield is given to the best blues rendition of any challenge topic):

Garbage Hopper Blues by Clifton53

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration (The Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration is awarded for the best cow chip chunking Country version of a song in a Challenge!):

Burned Then Spurned by Johnny Ash (a/k/a derrymacash)
This Family Can Just Shove It! by Deda
Will My Sister's Box Be Broken by Genie

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award (The Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award is given to the Challenge!rs who warm the cockles and create a special warm and fuzzy feeling in the heart of the Keeper of the Book in a song):

Ashes by MMario
The Boys of the Cemetery by derrymacash
The State-Sanctioned Flame by derrymacash
Unwanted Presents by Bradypus


Now don't let those pencils, pens and/or crayons get too cold -- No. 79 is a comin' down the track real soon! ;-)

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Jan 02 - 01:04 AM

I'm posting this without knowing whether the competition is still open or not, and its hook line is stol ...   borrowed from Sonja's suggestions above.  Like our beloved Derrymacash sometimes does, I've used the newspaper story as a springboard for a flight of fancy that goes far beyond its details.
Calico

She Lies In The Dump (Like Grated Stale Cheese)
Words:  Calico
Tune:  The Man On The Flying Trapeze (George Leybourne)

Once she was happy, thought life was a joke,
Like this small box with the handle that's broke;
Then she turned to MTV, twinkies, and coke
While she was still in her teens.
 
The man she called "Earl," he was handsome;
 Taught her 'bout the birds and the bees.
 Many men tried to please her and courted her well--
 Till she died from a social disease.

 (Chorus)
        Now,
        She lies in the dump like grated stale cheese,
        Our darling young sister who did the strip tease.
        Her movements were playful, all the boys she did please--
        Now her ashes have been tossed away.

Our young sister's stage name was Flicka Yabick,
Tall, blonde and built like an outhouse of brick.
Where'er she appeared all the guys got their kicks,
As she danced 'round the stage on her knees.

 She'd smile towards the bar at the bozos,
 And one night she smiled at old Earl.
 He wink'd back at her and she shouted "Bravo,"
 And he made her his number one girl.

(Chorus)
        Now,
        She lies in the dump like grated stale cheese,
        Our darling young sister who did the strip tease.
        Her movements were playful, all the boys she did please--
        Now her ashes have been tossed away.
 

Her sister and brother were both so ashamed
And very hard tried to redeem their good name;
Marv said "She's a vamp; Jude said, "Worse--She's a tramp,
And I'm sure MTV is to blame."

 Then their Flicka grew frail and much thinner,
 Like a stork wearing feathers of red,
 Then one night while high-kicking her Can-Can routine,
 She kicked the bucket instead.

(Chorus)
        Now,
        She lies in the dump like grated stale cheese,
        Our darling young sister who did the strip tease.
        Her movements were playful, all the boys she did please--
        Now her ashes have been tossed away.

"Her lesson now learned, and her body now burned,
Our poor sister's ashes to me were returned.
In a small ornate box I then had them then en-urned
For Judy to ope' Christmas Day,"
 
Said Marvin.  "Her box was real fancy.
 How could I know its handle was cracked,
 And Judy unwise to the contents it held
 To the Wal-Mark had taken it back?

(Chorus)
        Now,
        She lies in the dump like grated stale cheese,
        Our darling young sister who did the strip tease.
        Her movements were playful, all the boys she did please--
        Now her ashes have been tossed away.

The day after Christmas, they went to the Wal-
Mart to retrieve th' broken gift box and all,
But Customer Service did their poor hearts gall,
With, "Junk like that we throw away!"

 So, quick-like and frantic and dressed to the nines,
 Their sister's ash to retrieve,
 They've both assumed poses most assinine
 Down in the dump on their knees.

        Now,
        Her ashes can age like a fine cheddar cheese--
        And our darling young sister's ordeal now will cease.
        She'll rest on our mantle; if no one dare sneeze,
        Then she'll never more be blown away.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 07 Jan 02 - 05:10 AM

Not my place to say this, but I'm sure Áine'll forgive me.

There's no such things as last orders at the Song Challenge! bar.

(Beloved? Jaysus! I'm getting a reddener, so I am!)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Genie
Date: 07 Jan 02 - 02:23 PM

Aw, ya know we luv ya, Derry!
Genie


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 07 Jan 02 - 06:41 PM

derrymacash is absolutely right, Calico -- It's never too late for a Song Challenge! -- and yours is an excellent submission; proof once again that it's better late than never! ;-) And for your 'daring' effort, you are hereby awarded The Golden Cow Chip Award With Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen)

Congratulations, Calico -- And I know we're all hoping that you'll become a permanent part of the Challenge! party!!

-- Áine


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 02 Jan 03 - 12:05 PM

refresh.

So folks can revisit one of Amos' fave raves.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 78
From: Áine
Date: 02 Jan 03 - 12:07 PM

Youch! I remember this one . . . luckily, I haven't cut my thumb off again (lately) *BG*

-- Áine (the re-thumbed)


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