Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky

Subject: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:18 PM

Time for some fun!
Each year, The Rabbie Burns Appreciation Society of Farmington, NH (membership -1) holds a Burns Supper. Although the invited guests tend to revolve, due to a space limit for about 40 revelers, there are a few constants - music, merriment and the Grand Poetry Contest, with the first (and only) prize being a fine bottle of whisky. It's Auchentoshen Lowland single malt this year. I would like to throw this contest open to Mudcatters, in 2002, and read any poems posted on this thread by them, to the judges on the Big Night (ay a Saturday), which is Jan. 26, this year.
The entered poem, of one two or three verses, must always be written in the classic Burns stanza, as typified by "To a Mouse."
Each year, though, the title changes. In 2000, all poems were called "To a Monica." In 2001, they were entitled "To a Floridian Voter" and in 2002, the theme is "To a Postie" who is sometimes called a mail-carrier in the USA.
If the winning poet is a Mudcatter, I'll post the result, and UPS the malt, unless it's going to Australia or some farflung outpost. In that case, I'll drink the malt, and mail $25.
Anyhow, to give you an idea of what is sought, here is the early entry of one Mr. Rantin Ramgunshoch:

Tae a postie

Frae John o' Groats tae Ardnamurcher,
There's no a mair hard done tae furker,
Aye gunned doon by yer fellow worker,
Or nipped by dug;
And noo ye face a far worse lurker -
Yon anthrax bug!

When Osama bashed they too'ers,
As shown on T.V. for hoors,
Twas firemen that received the flooers,
Doon at ground zero,
But postie, battling poisonous spoors,
You're ma new hero.

Bask ye the while in accolade,
For too soon will this glory fade,
As cameras rake doon life's parade,
For new disaster
And novel heroes, freshly made
By puppetmaster.

Footnote: Ramgunshoch confided to a friend, "This is ma entry for the poetry contest. Of course ah can hear pettifogging and quibbling like 'There nae sic place as Ardnamurcher' but this is doubtful, because if gabbled quickly, what American would think to challenge such an authentic-sounding village? They swallowed Brigadoon, after all. Stephanie says it's like cheating at Scrabble, but I needed the rhyme, and even scoured the Rev. James B. Johnston's Place-Names of Scotland to no avail. Ma alibi is Ardna = the elevated place, and murcher = more difficult to comprehend. Thus Ardnamurcher possibly means "the height of nonsense."

Hmm!

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 10:34 PM

Well, i've seen murcher than yon!

A

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Blackcatter
Date: 03 Jan 02 - 11:50 PM

Send the Scotch to me early, I'll drink it and then I'll compose the winning poem.

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 11 Jan 02 - 06:04 PM

There are still 14 days left in which to submit the winning version of "To a Postie."

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: GUEST,sophocleese
Date: 11 Jan 02 - 10:32 PM

Give me a chance to revolve a bit more and I might come up woth somethin'. At the moment all I can see is 40 people twirling around a room with a shot of scotch in each hand and a dejected haggis sitting lonely at the side.

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 18 Jan 02 - 05:25 PM

There are still 7 days left in which to submit the winning version of "To a Postie," with Sophocleese the only nibble at the Mudcat hook. Incidentally, our Burns Supper haggis is magnificent, the stovies superb, the cockaleekie soup delectable and the clootie dumpling and syllabub beyond description.

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 08:56 PM

Number of days left to win a bottle of Auchentoshen malt Whisky: 3
Number of entries received to date to challenge Mr. Ramgunshoch's effort: 0
Proportion of Mudcat shipping clerks to Mudcat poets: 3000:1

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Jeri
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 09:00 PM

John, if I could write in Scots dialect, I'd give it a try. Maybe there's a translator program somewhere on the web? Besides, I like Mr. Ramgunslochh's song!

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 09:20 PM

Ay, there's the roob, mon. We canna dae yer dialect!!! Ye kin see richt here how turrible we are a' it!!

A

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 23 Jan 02 - 11:07 PM

I don't think I'll be entering your contest, because I can't write braw Scots, though I love to read it.

Please give us more samples from previous years! I want to read "To Monica" and "To a Floridian Voter"!

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 24 Jan 02 - 06:13 PM

Jim: To a Monica and To a Floridian Voter entries seem to be lost to posterity, but I have an entry from 10 years ago that may be of interest. I wrote a column in my New Hampshire newspaper, scene of the first presidential primary, as follows:
In 1795 it seems, just a year before his death, and at a time of enormous suffering for many Scottish people, Burns wrote a series of election ballads highly supportive of a Whig friend, Mr. Patrick Heron, and savaging the Tory slate so favored by rich aristocrats. It occurred to Ramgunshoch that a poetry competition might properly enquire of what Burns might write if he looked out over the New Hampshire landscape of 1992.
Here is an advance peek at my entry, complete with glossary, which hopes to capture Ramgunshoch's bottle of Talisker with a wee bittie help from the Bard himself. Glossary: Trogging - n 1. Bartering, bargaining 2. Odds and ends 3. Rubbishy goods, insubstantial trash 4. Worthless specimens, riff-raff 5. Nefarious or illicit dealings
Braw = fine, siller = silver, ane = one, speir = ask, chiel = lad, sic = such, skiddle = move rapidly and lightly, unco laith = very loath, fowk = folk.

Wha Will Buy My Trogging?
(Tune - Buy Broom Besoms)

Wha will buy my trogging?
Fine election ware;
Broken trade of hucksters,
All in high repair.

Chorus
Buy braw troggin
In the North Countrie;
Wha wants troggin
Let him come tae me.

Davie Duke's no cast his cowl
Intae the Grantite State;
An all-white population gies him
Naebody tae hate.

Buy braw toggin, etc.

Poor Agran and Fulani got
Excluded frae debate;
They wadnae lay their siller doon
On fuhrer Spirou's plate.

Buy braw troggin, etc.
Glitzy Billy Clinton gabbin
O' his health care plan.
Wi' his ane provider, speir,
Is he Prudential's man?

Buy braw troggin, etc.

Pat Buchanan's fuming at
Thon scand'lous New York Times;
He's just an anti-Semite chiel
When read between his lines.

Buy braw troggin, etc.

And shed nae tears for Wilder, tho
He's droppit oot the race;
Fast track tae the White Hoose?
Fie! We dinnae trust sic pace.

Buy braw troggin, etc.

Should Jolly Joker Kerrey
Ye try tae catch and grill,
He'll blithely skiddle roond the gaff,
Ye'll hook his brither, Bill.

Buy braw troggin, etc.

Geordie Bush at Cabletron
Tae fool us a' he shares
Five minutes wi' the workers,
Wha toil for millionaires.

Buy braw troggin, etc.

Now Harkin and his lawyer clique
Cry "Up the working man!";
But hard times ower in Farmington
They're unco laith tae scan.

Buy braw troggin, etc.

On pachyderms and donkey fowk,
Waste neither cash nor love;
Write in yon honest Nader's name,
And nane o' they above.

Buy braw trogging, etc.

Well, that's my shot for the Ramgunshoch whisky, but competition is usually stiff and I'm not confident. Last year I was beaten out by a puppet from Strafford, and the year before (worse still) by an Englishman.....

2002 Note: Geordie Bush was George Bush Sr. seeking re-election, but who was later beaten by Clinton - who then sold universal healthcare down the river.
Nader was running, 10 years ago, as a write-in candidate on Republican and Democratic tickets.

P.S. Great entry, great tune and a great bunch of stupid judges gave the whiskey to someone else. Ochone! Ochone! as Angus Og used to say.

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Paddy Plastique
Date: 25 Jan 02 - 12:33 PM

Burns night it is here in Ageng, SW France, to the universal indifference of the Gascon philistinery. I'm the sole member of the Rabbie Burns Appreciation Society round here too. My only gesture to the great man'll have to be an entry in yer competition. I might hum 'Parcel o'Rogues' to meself a little later. Sadly, my entry is in pidgin Groundskeeper Willy Scots/Dublinese - I hope it'll even qualify - probably not. Anyhow, here goes:

Tae a postie

Sin' the days o' the Penny Black,
They've had ye toil beneath a sack,
An' i' th'end they lave yer back,
Aw snapped in twa!
Sae noo ye pass i' ruin an' rack,
Retirement awa'.

But ne'er in aw o Jock Tati,
Or yon filthy bukes be Bukowski,
Wha drank like a loyal, true postie,
Were such attacks!
Tae be conceived, ay, dreadfully
Yon foul anthrax!

Noo posties lie as yon puir wee beastie,
O' tha bleak Isle, an ooter Hebride,
Whar the Sassanachs, roond Nineteen-Forty,
Done queer English things.
An' 'Return tae Sender', aw melancholy,
Oor postie sings.

Best ah can do - sláinte!

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 25 Jan 02 - 02:04 PM

Entry well up tae snuff, Paddy P.
It will be read out to the judges at The Rabbie Burns Appreciation Society of Farmington, NH (membership -1)Annual Supper the morn night.
You must have read Charles Bukowski's "Post Office."
Watch this space for results.

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Jan 02 - 02:10 PM

If it's LAPHROAIG I'll do a poem. If not, there's no motivation. ;-)

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 26 Jan 02 - 02:19 PM

Ah, Art! A man after my own heart! (and taste)

But, sorry, John -- I'm just not talented in that sector (writing Burns' clone poetry).

BTW, how's the Foster's purchase affect you?

Linn

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 27 Jan 02 - 09:51 AM

Here are the results of The Rabbie Burns Appreciation Society of Farmington, NH (membership -1) Annual Supper Poetry Contest for a bottle of Auchentoshen Lowland Malt:-
After much thought and even more drink, the judges declared a first place tie between Mr. Ramgunshoch (see above) and Andrew Periale (who is half of Perry Alley Theatre, for people who know the world of puppetry.) His To A Postie is as follows:

Wee sleekit, tim'rous cow'rin postie,
What delusions were in thy boastie
The night thy supervisor kissed thee
Withoot thinkin',
You trembled, turned as pale as ghostie --
She'd been drinkin'!

Your heart was light and a' men brothers,
You'd invite her tae your Mother's,
Wed her, if you had your druthers ...
'Til, enrapt,
You saw her kissin' wi' another,
Something snapped.

Your hand, as clammy as a cod,
From hidden holster drew your rod,
There was nae time for prayers to God
Nor grievin'.
They always said that he was odd --
But now he's even.

In a nine-hour evening, there were many highlights and no punchups, despite a large contingent of Irish persons - although Chris Boyle did have his arm in a sling from a previous encounter and Rory Makem got into a brief altercation with a giant "Happy Birthday Rabbie Burns" helium balloon.
The official Toast tae the Laddies was delivered in broad Russian with alarming vigor by a lady from Leningrad, who then provided an approximate translation, tame in comparison,thus:-

What are we looking for?
A family man in a family van
A party guy with jokes and a keg of beer,
Elvis in a three-piece suit reading Shakespeare,
Sophisticated but domesticated,
A good provider but a cool insider
A guy who can drink with friends till dawn
Then come home ready to mow the lawn
He'll draw his triangles quite congruently
And speak five languages very fluently
Intellectual but strong
He'll talk with us smartly but not for long

I must admit it's not an easy job but I
Suspect there are a few who'll still apply.

For Mudcatters who know Roland Goodbody through his WUNH Ceilidh Show, it must be reported that his version of Tam 'o Shanter, entirely recited without notes or a stumble, was brilliant.
Anyway, thank to Paddy Plastique for a good poetry entry -I explained, prior to reading it, Paddy, about the permanent poisoning of the Hebridean island of Guinard (wasn't it) by the Ministry of Defense after World War II, so they could get the full effect. You came in third.

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: Paddy Plastique
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 12:23 PM

An honour 'tis to accept the 3rd prize of a doggie-bag o' left-over neeps, John.
As to the hard liquor, I'll have to content meself wi the eau-de-vie, cognac, armagnac,
gniole, absinthe an' such like they keep proferring to me around these parts.
Now the island - I wasn't even sure it was Hebridean - I just made it one for rhyming purposes :->
Finally, in good charlatan fashion, I haven't actually read 'Post Office' but having
read a couple of his others, I've extrapolated

Slán & Sláinte

PP

Subject: RE: Win a Bottle of Malt Whisky
From: John Nolan
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 07:28 PM

As a final footnote, the story of The Rabbie Burns Poetry Contest is told at this address:
http://www.stephaniepiro.com/fc275.htm
Or in the Jan. 31 edition of The Rochester & Dover Times, if you live in eastern New Hampshire.