Subject: Lyr Add: THE VILLAGE PRODUCTION OF HAMLET
From:
GUEST,Fhe Fantum
Date: 29 May 03 - 07:56 AM
This version was taken from a Fred Wedlock recording and is directly out of my head. So mistakes are all mine and I claim them.
Title THE VILLAGE PRODUCTION OF HAMLET
Author Miles Wootton?
The village hall is packed tonight. The lights are turned down low.
Behold the local thespians put on their greatest show;
But in the green room panic reigns, suspense that's hard to bear.
The bell has rung, the shows begun, and Hamlet is not there,
In the village production of Hamlet.
In the fast lane of the bypass on a push bike without lights,
Hamlet's pedalling madly and it’s ruining his tights.
He fancies young Ophelia and he wonders whether he
Might score at last tonight. Is it to be or not to be
In the village production of Hamlet?
The curtain jerks apart to start the story.
It’s bitter cold. the cast are sick at heart.
The ghost appears all horrible and hoary.
It’s the village squire. he really looks the part,
But to calm his nerves the squire’s been on the gin all afternoon,
And now he’s feeling stage struck and he'd like to have a croon,
So he comes in with a chorus of a song from Brigadoon,
In the village production of Hamlet.
Ophelia's offended and distracted.
She thinks that Hamlet doesn't care at all.
It’s the first time in her life she's ever acted.
She's very nearly climbing up the wall.
She thinks he'll never make it when through the door he trips.
The audience collapses when at last they get to grips
As he staggers on in doublet, hose, codpiece and cycle clips
In the village production of Hamlet.
The interval has come around and Hamlet's full of hope,
Heads for Ophelia's dressing room to have a crafty grope.
He throws away his cycle clips as through the door he bursts,
But all that solid womanhood Laertes made it first,
In the village production of Hamlet.
Hamlet staggers from the room, his visage pale and wan.
His heart is full of vengeance but the show must still go on.
He struts and frets his little hour across the tragic stage
Whilst Laertes and Ophelia are otherwise engaged
In the village production of Hamlet.
The final act is played out at the double.
The action gets completely out of hand.
Hamlet clobbers Laertes with a shovel
In a scene the Bard of Avon never planned.
Hamlet’s plastic helmet has sustained a nasty dent.
He leaps upon Laertes with murderous intent,
But Laertes puts the boot in and his rapier gets bent
In the village production of Hamlet.
The prompter’s setting fire to his copy.
He's shouting “all for one and one for all.”
Hamlet's grappling with the village bobby.
It’s rapier versus truncheon in the stalls.
Ophelia's had hysterics and lies screaming on the ground.
The producer’s in the car park letting Hamlet's tyres down,
And a Monty Python Talent Scout is racing for the phone
In the village production of Hamlet.
End
It’s got some high notes in and I struggle to get there and for that reason I don't use all that often what is a well crafted song. I will have to go back to it and try either improving my technique or cheating by modifying the tune. Good luck with it and may it give you as much pleasure as it’s given me.
The Fantum
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sj
