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BS: Humor Us, Chapter III
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Subject: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 10 Mar 02 - 12:18 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'The thread is getting laughably long, no? Here is the earlier part, Humor Us, Chapter II. New thinking about war and solutions to it is always welcome, you will agree. Here's a sample of the best: French Intellectuals to be Deployed to Afghanistan to Convince al-Queda of Non-Existence of God The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of al-Queda zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement Cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The al-Queda are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area. Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other tactics to demonstrate the non- existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet. This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies. Regards, A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 19 Mar 02 - 04:34 PM Finally, an Answer!! Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the Exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to, accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 20 Mar 02 - 06:24 AM Amos: Do I get a prize for being the first person to recognize The Wyf of Bath's Tale? I see your version is a bit cleaned up and "politically correctified" compared to the original. I remember studying the Canterbury Tales in high school. The excerpts in our textbook were, of course, the relatively clean ones, or else cleaned up versions. In the Miller's Tale, for instance, they had Alison put her head out the window instead of "hir naked ers," which spoils a lot of the humor. I discovered, however, that some of the real Canterbury Tales were quite bawdy, and I had a good time reading them and retelling them to my friends on our lunch breaks. My personal favorite was The Reeve's Tale. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Troll Date: 20 Mar 02 - 08:04 AM To bring this thread tumbling from its lofty plane, there's always the dyslectic pimp who opened a warehouse. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 20 Mar 02 - 08:41 AM ....... In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer: "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 21 Mar 02 - 11:16 AM I know some of these have been this way before, but they're irresistible. Don't let the bozone layer get in your way... Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer. Decaflon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole Still more: Citiot - An ignoranus in the city government who does not have a clue. Imprecipice - A steep overhanging cliff from which one can see a beautiful view. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Kim C Date: 21 Mar 02 - 11:50 AM What women REALLY want is a bra that fits and pantyhose that don't sag. :-) Here's something funny a co-worker sent me. (I pasted it in and revamped it so if the formatting doesn't come out right, would a sweet JoeClone elf please fix it? Thank you.) And God created food..... And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2 [and SpeedVision ---KFC]. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery... And Satan created HMOs.
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: The Walrus at work Date: 21 Mar 02 - 01:13 PM Kim, "...What women REALLY want is a bra that fits and pantyhose that don't sag. :-) ..." I've always wondered why women wear tights/pantyhose... Have you ever seen what they do to a bank-robber's face? W
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Kim C Date: 21 Mar 02 - 01:31 PM That's the whole point, Walrus! See, the hosiery compacts all the jiggly stuff, making the tummy flatter, and giving one's rump and environs a more pleasingly rounded look. That's the theory, anyway. ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Troll Date: 21 Mar 02 - 11:51 PM I have generally found womens jiggly stuff and tummies and rumps and environs more pleasing to look at when there was not a lot of cloth in the way. But that't just my opinion. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 22 Mar 02 - 12:55 AM Except when they sag. It's probably a little like wearing a hand-me-down jock strap that has been washed too many times, or somp'n... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 22 Mar 02 - 07:18 AM I see, you mean the items mentioned are more in a "supporting role" useful but secondary to the "main event" (so to speak)? One day at lunch a several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimen- sions of their members. First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous. Then Artie said matter of factly "mine's about four inches." There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Art, you're kidding right?" "Not at all, four inches." He said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."
We all sat in embarrassed silence until Artie continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide." A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Mrrzy Date: 22 Mar 02 - 09:15 AM Dyslexics of the world, untie! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Kim C Date: 22 Mar 02 - 10:19 AM You know, they say 5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions. So Troll, am I just wasting my time trying to get rid of jiggly stuff?!! I mean, I do want to be able to wear a bathingsuit in public for as many years as I can. ;-) I watched a PBS Mystery! series a few years back where the gentleman kept telling the lady, Remind me to tell you the very funny thing I learned about sex. Finally, the time is right, and he tells her. The very funny thing I learned about sex, he says, is that a woman in nothing but her stockings is extremely sexy; but a man in nothing but his socks looks ridiculous. :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Micca Date: 22 Mar 02 - 11:32 AM KimC the play was "Olivers Travels" with Alan Bates and Sinead Cusack and was full of good one liners. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Kim C Date: 22 Mar 02 - 11:35 AM Yes! I remembered the man's name was Oliver. That was a very good show, indeed, with an ending I never expected. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 22 Mar 02 - 10:51 PM Tomatoes An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10.00 in his wallet, he buys a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100.00 before going to sleep that night. Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" "Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!" By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has four: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft. Regards, A. |
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Subject: The New CEO From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Mar 02 - 12:48 PM A company,feeling it was time for a shake-up,hires a new CEO.This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities,the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO,walks up the guy and asks, "and how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted,the young fellow looks at him and replies,"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks -"does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 04 Apr 02 - 03:30 PM The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." |
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Subject: What Gender is a Computer? From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Apr 02 - 03:59 PM A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nounsunlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was required to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: MudGuard Date: 04 Apr 02 - 04:06 PM What gender is a computer? Obviously there are both female and male computers. How could they multiply if there weren't? ;-) MudGuard |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Kim C Date: 04 Apr 02 - 04:17 PM Well, Amos, they say old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time. :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Troll Date: 04 Apr 02 - 05:26 PM D'ja hear about the dyslectic Madam who opened a warehouse? No? Well, there was this woman, see, and she..... troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 04 Apr 02 - 06:56 PM LOL, troll!! I concur with the old age and treachery line; it gets trickier when treachery gets acquired early, though! :>) A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: GUEST Date: 28 Apr 02 - 02:39 PM A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said PMS is in the Bible, he showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: GUEST Date: 28 Apr 02 - 02:42 PM EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180 8:00 am -- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am -- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am -- OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am -- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am -- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon -- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm -- OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm -- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm -- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm -- OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
Day number 182 EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. (Must try this at the top of the stairs.) In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. (Must try this on their bed.) DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan... DAY 768 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the hanging metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: sophocleese Date: 28 Apr 02 - 03:18 PM I found this marvelous sentence on the label of a bottle of wine. Do you think whoever wrote it had emptied a bottle too many in the search for inspiration? "Interestingly, cacti are uncommon in Canada, not because of a lack of a suitable habitat, but because of their inability to survive our winters." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: GUEST,NH Dave Date: 28 Apr 02 - 04:46 PM Some time ago when our fair city had two establishments knows as The Oar House and the Warehouse one of my jokes was: HeY! Did you hear of the new restaurant that opened up last week? Yes, its half way between the Oar House and the Warehouse. They call it the real McCoy! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Stephen L. Rich Date: 29 Apr 02 - 01:28 AM But, I don't want a Toyota !! I want a real one !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Troll Date: 29 Apr 02 - 08:14 AM And the same thing goes for shampoo. Real poo or nothing! troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 29 Apr 02 - 07:06 PM You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Due to the fact that we do not have electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files. Thank Thee
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Mrrzy Date: 30 Apr 02 - 01:38 PM Ha ha ha! Amos, good one! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 03 May 02 - 10:39 AM CLASSES FOR MEN! At our local learning center for adults Sign-up by May 25th Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants. Topic 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation. Topic 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion. Topic 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice. Topic 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics. Topic 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video. Topic 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline support and support groups. Topic 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING ITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum. Topic 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape. Topic 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials. Topic 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation. Topic 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing. Topic 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing Techniques. Topic 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full Lobotomies offered. **UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 May 02 - 01:48 PM When the men's clothing store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his Seeing-Eye dog bit me."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 05 Jun 02 - 04:15 PM Go -- Granny -- Go!! I would like to believe this is a true story! :>) But I don't. A
Grandma Beats Up Airport Security Guards By Bob Wallace Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because an altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left all six hospitalized. "Justice has been served," said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I won't be treated like this." The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane at the R. J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said, "but they're dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they're going to search me? I don't think so." According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, "who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn't board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That's when the trouble started." Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat he couldn't get up," said Gordon with a giggle. One guard who attempted to pull Gordon's wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she bashed both guards. The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon's wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters. "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked." "It was amazing," said another witness, Scott Ryan, also of Cuyahoga Falls, a professor of music at Ohio Express University and author of Yusef Islam: Cat Stevens Declawed. "The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt." A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter than had escaped detection. "He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear," said Ryan. A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. "I think that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went." After all this, Gordon's chair was still sitting on top of the first guard. The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, "Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when I'm done with you you'll just be a greasy spot on the floor!" As the crowd roared, the guard cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uncle! I won't do it again!" Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance. "We didn't have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot." Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. "I doubt there's a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything," said one of the lawyers. "I'm flying again tomorrow," Gordon told reporters. "And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong." All six guards, employees of the Bullwinkle Security Company, were taken to Badanov Hospital, treated for minor injuries, and released. "All of them are okay," said their doctor, who identified herself only as Natasha. "Just very minor injuries." The owner of the security firm, a Mr. Big, said he considered his employees to be "fearless leaders." May 27, 2002 Bob Wallace [send him mail], a former newspaper reporter and editor, and an incurable lover of puns, lives in St. Louis. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 05 Jun 02 - 04:18 PM Apologies for the break breakdown -- I thought there were double returns in the paste!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jun 02 - 07:38 PM A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke IN!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 05 Jun 02 - 08:11 PM LOL, Dave!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 05 Jun 02 - 08:16 PM Why the camel has . . . A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..." "Yes, son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?" ---------------------------------------------------- On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother." ------------------------------------------------------ A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 05 Jun 02 - 08:31 PM Very important historical information here: Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in VeraCruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call forthe great ship after New York City. The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. The Holiday is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo. _______________________________________________________ A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Naemanson Date: 05 Jun 02 - 10:05 PM And then there is the immortal Steven Wright...
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 06 Jun 02 - 09:11 AM My favorite Steven Wrightism: The sign in the restaurant said, "Breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 06 Jun 02 - 06:11 PM I love the Steve Wrightisms -- thanks! Life in Dilbertland:
The Best of The Best, A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (sorry, this one wasn't attributed -- and it's one of the best, too!)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper, could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Jun 02 - 06:35 PM "Boots"
My 2-year-old son asked our baby sitter for help in getting his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had already worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when my son said, "wrong feet!"
She looked and sure enough, they were on the wrong feet. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my cousin's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in my boots..."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 06 Jun 02 - 06:41 PM Subject: MEDICAL RECORDS HUMOR
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS (Proves that those medical folks are right on top of things but could use spell check)
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 06 Jun 02 - 09:51 PM Stop me if you've heard this one: The company president was standing in front of the office paper shredder, with a piece of paper in his hand, looking puzzled. A secretary was walking by, so he stopped her. "Say, do you know how to work this thing?" he asked. Without a word, she took the paper out of his hand and fed it into the shredder. It began running automatically, and soon the paper had disappeared. Then the boss said, "That's great! Now, I want two copies." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 07 Jun 02 - 10:11 PM Her Side of the Story:My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:Played badly today --- shot 87 --- can't putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 08 Jun 02 - 10:27 AM WARNING!!! SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST. OF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. Signed, The Blonde |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Jun 02 - 11:39 AM During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive." Dave Oesterreich
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 08 Jun 02 - 07:34 PM Your Gramma sounds like my kinda gal, DaveO!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 10 Jun 02 - 01:09 AM I have no idea whether this is true or not, but it is good enough to be: Subject: Life Lessons from Bill Gates (Those of you who are teachers will agree! Bill Gates' speech to Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, California. ......................................................................... Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. ......................................................................... Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time! Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: and-Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Regards, A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: GUEST,gamine Date: 10 Jun 02 - 11:58 PM A termite walks into a drinking establishment and asks: Is the bartender here?
------------------------------------------------ Get it? Get it? Took me awhile.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 Jun 02 - 10:32 AM Dear Tony,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your purple mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.
I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 13 Jun 02 - 01:41 PM RIAA AND NARAS BREAKTHROUGH! Music Industry Unveils New Computer Piracy Proof Format. A Black, Plastic Disc With Grooves On It! Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they hope will help win the war on illegal computer file sharing which is thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue. Nicknamed the "Record," the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl, disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed "turntable." "We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. We are also confident that no one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without a doubt the best anti-piracy computer invention the music industry has ever seen." As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained within it. "It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug flamboise, one of the testers, "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it like, from France or something?" INVENTION: Teenage computer hackers struggled to access the new disc! In the new format, raw audio data, in the form of music, is encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that industry insiders are describing as "completely revolutionary" and "stunningly clever." To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special player which contains a "needle" that runs along the grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers. Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format will make the swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything like this, "he told reporters. "How does it work?" PIRATES: Their days are numbered! As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing a 12 inch wide, turntable-driven, needle based firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last, have found the anti-piracy computer proof format it has long been searching for. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jun 02 - 12:49 PM A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke IN!"
----------- "The Plumber's Bill" A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"
The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 14 Jun 02 - 01:21 PM BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 6-7 lb chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done. And you thought I couldn't cook. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Pete Jennings Date: 14 Jun 02 - 03:07 PM Yorkshire joke... Bloke's wife passes away, and, whilst making the necessary arrangements, he sees the stonemason about the headstone. Bloke can't think of what wording would be appropriate, so the stonemason advises him to think of what his wife would have liked, what would say most about her, and to come back in a couple of days' time. Bloke thinks about it and, his wife havig been deeply religious, chooses, "She Was Thine". Stonemason readily agrees and says come back in a week when it'll be ready. Next week at the stonemason's, the bloke is horrified to see that the headstone reads "She Was Thin". He stomps off and tells the stonemason he's missed off the "e". Stonemason is distraught and tells the bloke he'll put it right and on the best quality stone for no extra charge and he'll work all night so it'll be ready in the morning. Next morning, the stonemason proudly shows the bloke his best ever carving. It now reads "Eee, She Was Thin". Pete
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Jun 02 - 10:47 AM Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Mrrzy Date: 20 Jun 02 - 11:17 AM The story about the grandparents at the wedding reminds me of a story a friend told: at her grandfather's 100th birthday the old man leaned over to her and asked, Am I turning 100 or 200? LOL! Imagine being so old you can't get the century straight! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 20 Jun 02 - 02:49 PM Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Jun 02 - 10:26 PM This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 21 Jun 02 - 12:01 PM One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends, she replied, "what does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Wisconsin." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Jun 02 - 09:53 AM Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: gnu Date: 26 Jun 02 - 03:52 PM A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 10 Jul 02 - 04:01 PM An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi." "Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt." "Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Catherine Jayne Date: 10 Jul 02 - 05:27 PM " An extremely ugly man, surrounded by 12 beautiful women, walks into a bar. All the women insist on buying him drinks and spend the next few hours stroking his hair, kissing and flirting with him. The barman is amazed. Clearly these beauties aren't attracted by the man's good looks - and they seem to have more money than he does. Intrigued, the barman takes the man to one side. 'Please tell me,' he begs, 'how can someone as ugly as you attract all these gorgeous women?' The ugly man thinks about this for a while, then licks his eyebrows. 'I really don't know,' he says with a smile." cat |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Micca Date: 10 Jul 02 - 07:10 PM and then there was... A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Mrrzy Date: 11 Jul 02 - 11:52 AM Apparently Tony Blair started saying things that aren't as pro-Bush lately as his prior speeches... he told a story about Bush arguing with the French president about the economy, and according to Blair, Bush said that the problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 Jul 02 - 12:44 PM The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat into the hard Texas earth!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.
Finally the crew got off the plane, and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate the pilot on his perseverance under extreme odds.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
Dave Oesterreich
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Subject: NEW MEDS!! From: Amos Date: 06 Aug 02 - 03:59 PM St. Mom's Wort _______________ <> _______________ Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. _______________ <> _______________ E m p t y N e s t r o g e n _______________ <> _______________ Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. _______________ <> _______________ P e p t o b i m b o _______________ <> _______________ Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. _______________ <> _______________ D u m e r o l _______________ <> _______________ When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. _______________ <> _______________ F l i p i t o r _______________ <> _______________ Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. _______________ <> _______________ A n t i b o y o t i c s _______________ <> _______________ When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. _______________ <> _______________ M e n i c i l l i n _______________ <> _______________ Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person - can we get naked now?" _______________ <> _______________ B u y a g r a _______________ <> _______________ Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. _______________ <> _______________ Extra Strength Buy-One-all _______________ <> _______________ When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. _______________ <> _______________ ******* J a c k A s s p i r i n _______________ <> _______________ Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. _______________ <> _______________ A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t _______________ <> _______________ A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. _______________ <> _______________ S e x c e d r i n _______________ <> _______________ Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. _______________ <> _______________ R a g a m e t _____________ <> _______________ When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. _______________ <> _____________ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Kim C Date: 06 Aug 02 - 05:04 PM Heard on Prairie Home Companion: What do you call a Norwegian underneath a wheelbarrow? A mechanic. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Aug 02 - 06:24 PM AT LAST! THE CURE FOR AIRLINE HIJACKINGS! Dear Sirs: I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I STILL have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 06 Aug 02 - 07:36 PM Dear Bill: Here in the White House which you sullied with your prurient ways, we have establsihed a New Moral Fibroid for AMurika. We are more strivinger in the direction of what is Moral, and we believe this will make the pie higher, not wider. So you will understand that we have chosen a course of action that has no truck with your immoralist tendenacies -- we have decided to bomb the Kingdom of Persia into the stone age in order to show the world that we cannot be fooled by the trafficants of terrorism in any guise. But thank you for giving voice to your honest opinions -- now, watch this drive!! Your friend in the White House, G. W. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Deda Date: 08 Aug 02 - 12:45 PM During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is ." ============== Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." =========== On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. ... If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon." ========== Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Officer: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! ============== Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. =============== Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them. ============== A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, the barbers were reaching for some after shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." ============== "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 08 Aug 02 - 08:47 PM A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area _________________________________________________________ A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait or a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Escamillo Date: 08 Aug 02 - 10:42 PM Mr. Paul O'Neill, Secretary of the US Treasure, is visiting poor schools near Buenos Aires and explaining children that a national economy is just as a house economy - if you are not a good administrator, you'll be short of money. Well, eer.. that's the joke ! :)) Un abrazo - Andrés |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 08 Aug 02 - 11:15 PM The difference is that for Paul's O'Neil's economy you can invest millions in bad debts and loser CEO's, and appear to be flourishing; in Buenos Aire's family economies you invest your money in a savings account and they tell you you are broke!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: catspaw49 Date: 08 Aug 02 - 11:29 PM A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel, explaining their needs to the Manager,who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23." The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage,and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of church members came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see," said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed, "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!" Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 09 Aug 02 - 08:35 PM *grin*...you reminded me, 'spaw.. A farmer was out plowing when his son came running down the the field.."Paw, Mom says to come up to the house, the preacher's here to visit!" "I cain't some up there right now, I got to finish this last row....which preacher is it, ennyhow?" "I dunno, Paw....what difference does it make?" "Well, it makes a LOT of difference....you go back to the house and ask him..If it's the Baptist preacher, you go get the sugar bowl with the egg money in it and hide it under the bed---if it's that Catholic fellow, you take my whiskey bottle and hide IT under the bed....and if it's the Methodist preacher, you sit on yer Maw's lap until I git up there!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Aug 02 - 05:55 PM An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE... YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION.... AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: The Walrus Date: 18 Aug 02 - 06:00 PM A man goe to the barber. While in the chair, he mentions thathe has trouble getting his cheek really smooth. "No problem!" said the barber, "Just pop this little wooden ball between your cheek and gum while shaving, look, I'll show you" The barber pops the ball in the man's mouth and shaves him smoothly over the cheeks. "This is the loaner, take it and try it yourself tomorrow and, if you like it, I'll order you one" "Great" says the customer,"but it's a bit small, what do I do if I swallow it?" "No problem, just bring it back the next day, like everyone else" Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Aug 02 - 06:44 PM One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby freely, and without consideration therefor, give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages, with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, or to sell or to give the same to any individual, corporation, organization or sovereignty, with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally...'" X_______________sign here |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 19 Aug 02 - 10:00 PM CITIZEN KANE (Ultra-condensed version) Orson Welles: Rosebud. (dies) Reporter: What does it mean? Everybody Else: We don't know. THE END JAWS (Ultra-Condensed version) Roy Scheider: There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches. Murray Hamilton: No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists. (Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw: I'm tough and grim. (Shark eats him.) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss: Take that. (Shark dies) THE END You can find more of these at Movie-A-Minute. There is also Book-A-Minute. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jimmy C Date: 20 Aug 02 - 01:48 AM >>The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus downthere?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti,too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Chap from Liverpool, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager dere lad ! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager too. As Jesus got up to leave, He walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked towards the Liverpool fella, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!" > |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jimmy C Date: 20 Aug 02 - 01:54 AM > Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Irishman, one English and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys,"
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion wemay have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Irishman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery.Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "There'sno doubt about it, this boy is mine!" "Maybe", said the Irishman, "but one of the other two is fu*king English and I'm not taking the chance!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Aug 02 - 05:11 PM One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Aug 02 - 09:57 PM A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children!" The volunteer, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 02 Oct 02 - 04:34 PM You may have seen something like this before -- but this one's better: DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you. SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 02 Oct 02 - 04:38 PM ROTFLMAO! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Oct 02 - 08:34 PM To those of us who have children in our lives, Whether they are your own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve, and the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!" "No way!" "Yes way!" "Do not eat the fruit," said God. "Why?" "Because I am your father, and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break, and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the father "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom, and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are god's reward for not killing your own children, 3. Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word-for-word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We child-proof our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVISE FOR THE DAY! Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 02 Oct 02 - 08:51 PM Very funny. Actually, I think children ARE the fruit that brings the knowledge of good and evil. There are plenty of heartbreaks available but they also bring the richest rewards available in organic form. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: SharonA Date: 03 Oct 02 - 09:32 AM Blonde Joke alert! This one was emailed to me this morning... As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Buffalo, New York and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 07 Nov 02 - 05:53 PM Red Skelton's tips for a happy marriage 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake." 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!" 10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage. 12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Nov 02 - 10:41 AM One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes. First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you." The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's." The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted. Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's." The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted. Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's." The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted. Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high-paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's." The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done. Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answered, "My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?" The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?" The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Micca Date: 08 Nov 02 - 03:35 PM One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 08 Nov 02 - 04:21 PM Satan visits a film producer and offers her a deal: "I'll insure that your next film is a billion-dollar-grossing, sequel-spawning, blockbuster hit. All I require in return is that your husband's soul, your children's souls, and THEIR children's souls must rot in Hell for eternity." The producer looks at Satan with amazement. "You can't mean that!" she gasps. "Oh, but I do!", replies Satan smugly. The producer thinks for a moment and says, "What's the catch?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 08 Nov 02 - 04:54 PM take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition! 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the liter(ature): 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 12 Feb 03 - 07:54 PM A sweet little old lady is stopped for speeding. Sweet Little Old Lady: "Is there a problem, officer?" Cop: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Sweet Little Old Lady: "Oh! I see." Cop: "May I see your driver's license, please?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one." Cop: "Don't have one?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "Lost it four times for drunk driving." Cop: "I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers, please?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "I can't do that." Cop: "Why not?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "I stole this car." Cop: "Stole it?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Cop: "You what?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see." The cop looks at the sweet little old lady and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Cop 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please?" The sweet little old lady steps out of her vehicle. Sweet Little Old Lady: "Is there a problem, sir?" Cop 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Sweet Little Old Lady: "Murdered the owner?" Cop 2: "Yes. Could you open the trunk of your car, please?" The sweet little old lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Cop 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Sweet Little Old Lady: "Yes, here are the registration papers." Cop 2: "One of my officers says that you do not have a driver's license." The sweet little old lady digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse, and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the driver's license. He looks puzzled. Cop 2: "Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Sweet Little Old Lady: "Bet you the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Mr Happy Date: 12 Feb 03 - 07:59 PM lol!- good one Jim- got me out of the goom & despondency! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: GUEST Date: 14 Aug 03 - 10:51 PM A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!" The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St.Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?" She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Stilly River Sage Date: 15 Aug 03 - 12:49 AM I love it! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Aug 03 - 12:21 PM After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the shrimp and resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided tomove. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to theirnew home. Including, of course.... the curtain rods! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Bill D Date: 15 Aug 03 - 07:04 PM A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Aug 03 - 09:15 PM When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life. As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?" "Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries. "Gee," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Donuel Date: 15 Aug 03 - 10:46 PM 8-15-12 The Washingtonpest: Several new Religious mergers promise to give a stronger voice to lobby God. Hailed as the greatest unification of mankind in 2000 years 'Chrislam' is all the buzz. A major stumbling block was removed today when the former Roman Catholic Church acquiesced to demands of having an Imam run for Pope (now to be called Popeman). The deal sweetener seems to have been the Imam bishops bringing $366 billion of Saudi oil money to the table. Chrislam has some hurdles regarding the former split of God into the holy ghost and son of God but a compromise is underway to make Mohammed and Jesus equal partners in return for the exorcism of the holy ghost. Issues like circumcision will be delegated to an individual hygiene matter instead of holy law. Architectural differences of mosques and churches have been deemed a mere variation of design sense. Already mixtures of geometric patterns and human depictions have been seen in many newly converted Chosques. Prayer rugs are optional and pews are to be made wide enough to accommodate full prostration. Printers are hailing the order for 7 billion Koribles as the single largest publishing job in the history of man. Segregation of women at worship was resolved by a resounding mutual agreement to ban women from clergy. The other major merger, the Hinjews, has allowed all those lost in the holocaust to be reincarnated. The Hinjew merger has been a cause for concern for some still resistant to mergers of any sort except for corporations and government. Nazis, neocons and the rare red necked thin skinheads have still failed to date to unify their tribes over a dispute as to who is white enough to be a member. by DonuelH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 15 Aug 03 - 11:28 PM LOL Donuel!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 21 Oct 03 - 09:19 AM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions: ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi -2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton -1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope -Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond -Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram -Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong -365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year -16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling -Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon -1000 aches: 1 megahurtz -Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower -Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment) -453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake -1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone -1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles -365.25 days: 1 unicycle -2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) -10 cards: 1 decacards -1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton -1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen -1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche -1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin -10 rations: 1 decoration -100 rations: 1 C-ration -2 monograms: 1 diagram -8 nickels: 2 paradigms -2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Oct 03 - 01:08 PM My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. "Hello," she whispered softly. "Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked. "She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper. "Did she go to the doctor?" I asked. "Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly. "Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet." Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Gareth Date: 21 Oct 03 - 04:01 PM Then there was this Yuppy marketing mamager who had offended his boss, and been posted to a remote littlw village in North Wales. After a week ore two of this h got very board and loansome. He asked the locals what they did for light entertainment, and was told that it was the practice for trhe local men to venture up into the hillside and find a sheep, and have thier wicked way. Disgusting he thought, but as time went on, and his frustrations grew he decided that when in Wales, do what the locals do. So fair enough, he went up the hill and picked the preteist ewe he could find, took her back to his hotel room, bathed her, dressed her in a pink bow, and decided to take her out to the pub for a pre-coitial drink. He and the sheep walked into the pub. Sudden silence, all conversation stopped. The darts stopped. The TV went off. The Yuppy was a bit put out at this "You hypocrits!", he said, "Here I am doing what you all do but trying a bit of finess and style, and you take this attitude." "'Ere", said one of the locals, " We've no problem with what you do to her, but here women arn't allowed in Pubs !" Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Jim Dixon Date: 21 Oct 03 - 04:26 PM Gareth: I've heard essentially the same joke with a different punch line: "Yeah, but why'd you pick such an ugly one?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Gareth Date: 21 Oct 03 - 06:45 PM Or "Thats the Sherriffs Girl" Gareth "Oh hand me down me wellie boots, I've just caught one !" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Oct 03 - 08:35 PM "Priceless Art" A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE." However, it has no price marked. "Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"? "One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper. Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high. "Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break. The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner. "Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!" "No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied. "How can you be so sure?" he demands. "Because the nincompoop who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Amos Date: 01 Mar 05 - 07:54 PM Problems with the gene pool: no lifeguard. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Two wrongs are only the beginning! Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Regards, A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter III From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Mar 05 - 08:06 PM "A Wise Little Girl" A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought was, but mother says I'm not." |
