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Bad musician jokes

GUEST,Just Amy 10 Apr 02 - 06:38 PM
Gypsy 10 Apr 02 - 06:42 PM
Gypsy 10 Apr 02 - 07:25 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 10 Apr 02 - 07:29 PM
Bonnie Shaljean 10 Apr 02 - 07:46 PM
Chip2447 11 Apr 02 - 12:16 AM
Jeremiah McCaw 11 Apr 02 - 04:24 AM
greg stephens 11 Apr 02 - 05:15 AM
GUEST 11 Apr 02 - 05:26 AM
Watson 11 Apr 02 - 07:28 AM
Troll 11 Apr 02 - 08:28 AM
catspaw49 11 Apr 02 - 11:01 AM
Hecate 11 Apr 02 - 11:17 AM
Troll 11 Apr 02 - 11:28 AM
Kim C 11 Apr 02 - 11:45 AM
Dave Bryant 11 Apr 02 - 12:03 PM
greg stephens 11 Apr 02 - 12:05 PM
greg stephens 11 Apr 02 - 12:09 PM
C-flat 11 Apr 02 - 12:28 PM
aussiebloke 11 Apr 02 - 12:37 PM
SDShad 11 Apr 02 - 12:55 PM
GUEST,Slickebill 11 Apr 02 - 01:06 PM
Troll 11 Apr 02 - 01:52 PM
Herga Kitty 11 Apr 02 - 06:14 PM
Troll 11 Apr 02 - 10:20 PM
Lynn 11 Apr 02 - 10:27 PM
Troll 11 Apr 02 - 11:42 PM
Dave Bryant 12 Apr 02 - 04:42 AM
Wilfried Schaum 12 Apr 02 - 05:38 AM
Larkin 12 Apr 02 - 05:59 AM
Wilfried Schaum 12 Apr 02 - 06:22 AM
GUEST,Just Amy 15 Apr 02 - 07:13 PM
Stephen L. Rich 15 Apr 02 - 07:21 PM
Bat Goddess 15 Apr 02 - 07:37 PM
JeZeBeL 15 Apr 02 - 09:57 PM
JeZeBeL 15 Apr 02 - 10:22 PM
Stephen L. Rich 15 Apr 02 - 10:40 PM
alanabit 19 Apr 02 - 04:45 PM
Doug Chadwick 19 Apr 02 - 05:14 PM
Stephen L. Rich 20 Apr 02 - 02:46 AM
Ebbie 20 Apr 02 - 01:24 PM
Troll 20 Apr 02 - 10:33 PM
GUEST,Not-a-pipe player 21 Apr 02 - 03:39 PM
DD 22 Apr 02 - 01:24 AM
Troll 22 Apr 02 - 07:46 AM
GUEST,BRIANO1066 22 Apr 02 - 11:10 AM
The Walrus at work 22 Apr 02 - 02:03 PM
Troll 22 Apr 02 - 03:06 PM
Wilfried Schaum 23 Apr 02 - 10:14 AM
GUEST 02 Jun 05 - 09:15 PM
GUEST,oliver 02 Jun 05 - 09:17 PM
GUEST,pat spud 02 Jun 05 - 09:25 PM
GUEST,joe dolan 02 Jun 05 - 09:37 PM
muppitz 03 Jun 05 - 03:50 AM
GUEST 03 Jun 05 - 09:30 AM
Don(Wyziwyg)T 03 Jun 05 - 11:34 AM
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Subject: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,Just Amy
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 06:38 PM


Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


I love bad musician jokes and need to hear more like:

What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Drool.

What is the difference between a trampoline and an accordion? You have to take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola? The viola burns longer OR nothing the violists head is just bigger OR the viola makes more toothpicks.

YOUR SUBMISSION HERE:


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Gypsy
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 06:42 PM

Darlin' there be a whole LOT of threads on this one. Just do a musician joke search on the forum, dated back for the year. Enjoy!


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Gypsy
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 07:25 PM

Just Amy, refreshed the musician joke thread. Take a look.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 07:29 PM

What is the diference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson?
A=You can tune a Harley Davidson.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 07:46 PM

I don't THINK I saw this in the other thread (apologies if I'm wrong):

What's the difference between a dead skunk lying squashed in the road and a dead viola player lying squashed in the road?

Skid marks


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Chip2447
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:16 AM

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

How can you tell when a bagpiper has perfect pitch?
When, in a fit of despair he pitches his pipes into the nearest dumpster (skip) and crushes an accordian.

How long does it take to tune a hammered dulcimer?
We're still waiting.

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 04:24 AM

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead folksinger in the middle of the road?

At least the skunk was on his way to a gig!


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: greg stephens
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 05:15 AM

As a player of banjo and accordion(button) I have been the butt of ridicule on many occasions, though I'm proud to say I've never played a bodhran.Has any body done a statistical analysis to work out which instrument is the funniest? I was very intrigued to see violas mentioned twice in this thread, an instrument I have never before heard about in a humorous context. It's a bigger world than I thought. Andhow about the earliest musical jokes...I think Shakespeare makes offensive remarks about bagpipes somewhere. And why dont trombones feature more, given their obviously humorous structure and sound? And can drummers be included in this context, or is the thread confined to jokes about musicians?


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 05:26 AM

That Greg Stephens, amusing as he occasionally is, does tend to overuse the Parthian shot as a figure of speech.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Watson
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 07:28 AM

From Maartin Allcock at Warwick Festival last year - he was playing with almost everybody on the bill, but I think this time he was on stage with Steve Tilston.
"Any banjo players in the audience?"
Pause for a few waves and muffled cheers...
"...What, got no gigs then?"


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 08:28 AM

What is the diference between a banjo and an accordian?
The accordian is pre-pleated for more acurate cutting.
Why are drums played so loud?
So the blind as well as the deaf can be annoyed.
How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
efine an optomist?
An accordian player with a beeper.
What do you call a drummer with two brain cells?
Gifted.(Or twins. Take your pick)

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 11:01 AM

Do you know what you have if you have 100 pipers up to their necks in shit?
I don't either, but I know you need more shit.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Hecate
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 11:17 AM

What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What's the best way to tune a banjo? With a wire cutter.

How do you get two fiddle players to play in tune? Shoot one of them.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 11:28 AM

You shouldn't be dissin' drummers. A good drummer is a musicians best friend.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Oh! Is it dark?"

troll**** I can get away with it 'cause I play drums (among other things).


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Kim C
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 11:45 AM

How can you tell those old-time fiddle tunes apart?

By their names.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:03 PM

In Orchestras the butt of the jokes are always the poor viola players. My theory about this is that violinists are the largest group in the orchestra and take the piss out of the only other group that they understand. Anyway, the usual jokes are:

What does a viola player have to do for grade 8 - hold the bow completely from memory.

What do you need to get the best sound out of a viola - a steamroller.

In what way is a viola better than a violin - it burns longer.
A viola player get fed up with all the jokes and goes into a shop and asks for a top-of-the-range synthesizer so that he can in fact play any instrument he desires. The shopkeeper observes "You must be a viola player". "However did you guess ?", asks the musician. "This is a grocery shop", answers the shopkeeper.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: greg stephens
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:05 PM

Anywy, these three guys, an architect a physicist and a musician are sitting in a pub with their three dogs. They get arguing about who's got the cleverest dog, so they decide to set the dogs an initiative test with a £1000 bet on the outcome. What they do is get a big bag of bones and tip it out on the floor. Well the architect's dog sniffs at the bones, shifts them around and rearranges them into a precise scale plan of St Paul's Cathedral. Then the physicists dog gets up, moves them around a bit and makes them spell out E=MC2. Well, everyone gives that a round of applause. Then the musician's dog wakes up,licks its bollocks,farts, has a look round, eats all the bones, fucks the other two dogs and says "Where's the grand?"


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: greg stephens
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:09 PM

Glossary to previous joke for foreign(?) readers. St Paul's: large building in London, England, designed by Sir Christopher Wren. Grand: a thousand pounds.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: C-flat
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:28 PM

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?.....You only punch in the instructions once with a drum machine!


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: aussiebloke
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:37 PM

What is the principal use for a banjo?
Kindling wood for squeezebox fires...


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: SDShad
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 12:55 PM

Of course, there's a very sound reason why a viola will burn longer than a violin: it's usually still in the case!

Married to a violin player,

Shad


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,Slickebill
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 01:06 PM

How do you know if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out both sides of his mouth

What has three legs and an asshole? A drum stool

And, in fairness: how do you get a guitar player to play more quietly? Put a chart in front of him.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 01:52 PM

Why is a drummer better than a drum machine?
If you want wooden, uninspired, error-laden drumming, you can get it without needing to plug it in.
Why is a viola better than a violin?
It holds more beer!
If you throw a drummer and a banjo player off a ten-story building, which one will hit the ground first?
Two answers.
1) Who cares?
2) It's a toss-up. The drummer will probably get lost, but the banjo player will have to stop to re-tune.

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 06:14 PM

What's the difference between an onion and a bodhran?

No-one cries when they cut up... etc etc

Good to see Troll's post on why drums are played so loud - it reminds me of the reason why Morris men wear bells


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 10:20 PM

Speaking of Morris Men, what goesjingle, jingle BOOM, jingle, jingle BOOM?
A Morris dancer in a mine-field.

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Lynn
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 10:27 PM

What do you call a drummer when he loses a drumstick?

A conductor!


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 11:42 PM

Why are drum kits so complicated to assemble?
So drummers can feel that they've acomplished something.

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 04:42 AM

Here's a joke about First Violinists - you may need to think about it !

Just before the performance of an opera, the conductor is rushed off to hospital with suspected appendicitis. The Opera Hall manager is frantic, but the leader of the orchestra tells him that he has conducted the work himself on another ocasion and is quite willing to take over. All goes well and the performance is a great success with the stand-in conductor receiving a standing ovation. The original conductor's problem turns out to be only trapped wind, and so the following night he's back. When the leader enters to take up his place, all the other players on the front row ask him "Where were you last night ?".


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 05:38 AM

Thanks, Greg, for the joke about the musician's dog.
Thanks to all for allowing drummers to be mentioned.
And now something completely different:
What is the difference between an ox and an orchestra?
The ox has the horns in front and the asshole in the rear ...
And the shortest I ever have heard: Two trombonists are passing a pub ...

Wilfried


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Larkin
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 05:59 AM

A Guy goes into a pub and walks up to the extremely large barman and says 'I've just heard the best banjo joke ever, do you want to here it ?' The barman says 'Before you tell your joke I think I should warn you that me and my brothers - points to two huge guys sitting at the end of the bar- 'are not only three of the best banjo players around but we're also wrestlers, Still want to tell your joke?' No, says the guy' I wouldn't want to have to explain it three times'


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 06:22 AM

Greg, what a pity you have never before heard about violas in a humorous context. There are unlimited numbers of viola jokes circulating in a lot of orchestras. Carl Rahkonen,a violist himself, discusses the cause in his paper No Laughing Matter: The Viola Joke as Musician's Folklore. Here he also gives a link to his vast collection of viola jokes. I strongly recommend the reading, it's really fun.

Wilfried


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,Just Amy
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 07:13 PM

Sorry this is so late - been away playing pirate (really).

Thanks to all especially Wilfried for the great link.

What is the difference between a dead banjo player in the road and a dead frog in the road?

The frog might have been going to a gig.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 07:21 PM

The New Oxford Worldwide Inter Collegiate No Bulls**t We Really Mean It This Time Dictionary defines the word "optimist" as follows.

Optimist -- a trombone player with a pager.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 07:37 PM

Do you know what you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music.

Linn


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: JeZeBeL
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 09:57 PM

Here's well lets say......a few for you....I used to be in an orchestra!!

Viola Jokes How is lightning like a violist's fingers?

Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer. The viola holds more beer. You can tune the violin. We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?

It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?

Write a whole note with ``solo'' above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?

Mark it ``solo.''

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?

Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of ``perfect pitch?''

Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?

They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

The seamstress tucks up the frills.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?

It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?

They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?

Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do violists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their cars?

So they can park in ``handicapped'' parking places.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?

Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?

Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and don't play.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)

The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?

They both screw up bowings (Boeings).

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?

Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the Range of a Viola?

As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?

They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large?

It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?

If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?

A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?

All those positions!

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?

The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?

You could fit in at least one more.

What is the most frequent request a viola player receives?

Big Mac and Fries, please.

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They're not small enough to fit.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section

half a measure a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?

Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who went to a Rave?

He asked for an 'A'. Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.

Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?

Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.

(What are the three positions of the viola?

First position, emergency, and defeat.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife saw the case and asked ``What's that?'' (In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. ``Help!'' cried the 'cellist, ``I can't swim!'' ``Don't worry,'' said the violist, ``just fake it.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him ``Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ...'' The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, ``The conductor? Came to my house?''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 'cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them. ``Good Evening, sir,'' he said to the 'cellist. ``And what would like tonight?''

``I'd like a rump steak, medium rare,'' replied the 'cellist.

``Would you like anything with that?''

``What do you have?''

``Salad?'' suggested the waiter.

``No, thank you,'' said the cellist.

``Potatoes?''

``Ah, no.''

``Vegetables?''

``Oh, they'll have what I'm having.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, ``You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill.'' The pianist said, ``Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills.''

The viola player said, ``You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, ``What are you so upset about?'' The violist replied ''The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!''

The conductor asked ``Don't you think you're overreacting?''

The violist replied ``I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: ``viola left hand, bow right.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was ``$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason.'' The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.

The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said ``I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!''

The man said ``No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, ``I want to buy a violin.''

The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, ``You must be a viola player.''

The viola player is astonished, and says, ``Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?''

``Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist. The manager was very nervous about this. ``We can't audition you,'' he said.

``No problem,'' replied the violist.

``There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold.''

``I know. It'll be all right.''

The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.

At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him ``Where've you been for the last two weeks?''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie. ``For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!'' he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied, ``Make me a far better musician than I am now.''

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.

``You have two more wishes!'' he said.

``I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!''

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.

``This is your last wish.'' the genie said.

``I want you to make me yet a better musician still!''

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: ``If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?'' The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said ``Sure.''

The violist guessed ``You have 287 sheep,'' to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.

The violist got all excited and asked ``Can I pick out my sheep now?'' and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.

The shepherd then got an idea and asked ``If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?'' The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed ``You're a violist, aren't you?''

The violist was very surprised and asked, ``How did you know?''

The shepherd responded, ``Put the dog down and we'll talk about it.''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals. After a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer.

Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked ``What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?''

The native guide replied ``Very bad.''

``What?'' asked Horace, who was expecting the worst.

The guide answered ``When drum stops, very bad--next comes viola solo!''

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale Viola: German, 19th century, 405mm. Excellent condition. Recently tuned.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this aswell:

Entry Exam For the BBC Sympathy Orchestra--Viola Players The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.

Who wrote the following:

a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6 b) Fauré's Requiem c) Wagner's Ring Cycle

[5 pts.]

Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5 pts.]

Explain ``counterpoint'' or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10 pts.]

Which of the following would you tuck under your chin? a) a timpani b) an organ c) a 'cello d) a viola

[1 pt.]

Can you explain ``sonata form''? (Answer yes or no.) [5 pts.]

Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?

a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton

[5 pts.]

Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5 pts.]

Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.

a) Quickly b) Slowly c) Very Quickly d) At a Moderate Pace

[4 pts.]

Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5 pts.]

Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?

a) Des O'Connor b) Mickey Mouse c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy d) Terry Wogan

[5 pts.]

Which of the following is the odd one out?

a) Sir Colin Davis b) Andrew Davis c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies d) Desmond Lynam

[5 pts.]

Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.

Bohème, La

[5 pts.]

Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5 pts.]

From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come? a) Venezuela b) Sri Lanka c) Germany d) Japan

[5 pts.]

For what town were Haydn's ``Paris'' Symphonies written? [5 pts.]

Which is the odd one out?

a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.

[5 pts.]

From which song do the following lines come?

``God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen.''

[5 pts.]

Spell the following musical terms.

allegro rallentando crotchet pizzicato intermezzo

[5 pts.]

Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5 pts.]

Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.

C, B, B.

[5 pts.]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: JeZeBeL
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 10:22 PM

I APOLOGISE FOR THE TERRORIST ONE i'M SO SORRY I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE WHEN I MOVED THE FILE ACROSS FROM MY FOLDERS. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. CAN ANYONE DELETE IT FOR ME?

Moving on.....being a bodhran player.....I guess I better contribute a few of these jokes too:

man walks into a bar with a round bag under his arm. bar man asks "what's that?" man replies "6 lbs of semtex" bar man says "thanks be to jeasus I thought it was a bodhran!"

Man leaves his bodhran in his car and remembers the car is unlocked...he rushes back and opens the door only to find another five in there too!!

A bodhran player is sick of th3e abuse the band is giving him so he decides to start his own up. He walks into the music shop wanting to buy the first instruments he sees.

"I'll take the red sax and the accordion" he says. "u'r a bodhran player aren't u?" the shop keeper asks "how do you know the man replies?" "I'll tell you what...the fire extinguisher u can buy but the radiator stays" What does a bodhran player use for birth control? Their personality!!

How do you know there's a bodhran player at the door? The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.....

Y do bodhran players find it difficult to enter a room? they don't know when to come in!!

Simple Bodhran Care: Rub gently with lighter fluid and ignite!!

What do you call a bodhran player with a broken wrist? A huge improvement!!

What does a bodhran player and a sperm have in common? They both have a bout a 1 in a million chance of becoming a human being!!

Best uses for a bodhran: 1) Set fire to the hoop and get the player to jump through it. 2)roll it over a cliff into the ocean 3)nail soup can lids to the rim and use it as a tambourine

What's the difference between a bodhran player and a drum machine? You only have to punch the rhythm into the drum machine once!!

Y are men better bodhran players than women? They've already mastered the wrist action!!

LAST ONE I PROMISE!!

Difference between a bodhran and an onion? Most people cry when they cut up an onion!!

That's it...I'm off to bed!!

Jez


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 10:40 PM

That new age music joke reminded me of these two similar gags.

What do you get when you play acountry and western song backwards?

You sober up, your wife comes home and you get your old job back.

Same question about heavy metal ---

You get Satan demanding that you send him messages for a change.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: alanabit
Date: 19 Apr 02 - 04:45 PM

I liked the earlier joke about the drummer and the drum machine. Another one I like is, "What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?" "About thirty seconds at the end of the song...!"


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Apr 02 - 05:14 PM

When God was creating all the musical instruments, He reached out his arms to decide how long the piano key board should be. "That'll do" He thought and chopped off the extra notes at the top and the bottom. He then pushed out the slider on a trombone, filled it with all the notes He could and threw the rest on the floor. He found that the trumpet was too long so he wound it round and round and, naturally, some note fell out.
He continued with each instrument, using all the notes He needed and discarding the rest. In the end He had a great heap of discordant notes that He had no use for, so he bundled them all up in a piece of cloth, rammed a few pieces of left over wood in, and gave it to the Scots.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 20 Apr 02 - 02:46 AM

As the final portion of thier study of what creates a genius, a group of psychiatrists and neurosurgeons and anthropologists decided to exhume Beethovens grave.

When they lifted the coffin lid there lay the great man clutching several sheets of paper and a quill pen, to all appearances, still at work. But ther was something very odd about the manner in which he was working. He was moving the pen from right to left across the paper and the ink seemed to vanishing into the quill.

"What are you doing," asked the head researcher incredulously. "Decomposing," said Beethoven.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Apr 02 - 01:24 PM

Doug Chadwick, that reminds me of what Mick Moloney said in concert. "Many people don't know that it was the Irish who invented the bagpipes. Yes, we did. And we gave them to the Scots. And the Scots have never realized: It was a joke! It was a joke!

:)


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 20 Apr 02 - 10:33 PM

Mick also tells the one about his friend who is half Scots and half Irish.
Half of him wants a drink but the other half doesn't want to pay for it!

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,Not-a-pipe player
Date: 21 Apr 02 - 03:39 PM

All must be aware that the true origins of the highland pipes are Irish. Many years ago a noted Irish pipe maker, striving for something new, made an indescribably awful set of pipes. Not having the heart to destroy his handiwork he went in search of somewhat gullible tone deaf banjo player. However, although he couldn't find one, he still had an amazing slice of luck as he stumbled upon a scotsman, somewhat the worse for having a dram or several. The pipe maker realising that there was his main chance sold the offending articles for a modest sum. The Scots then took them to heart and to this day insist on squeezing their squashy parts until painful wails are emitted.

However I do have a couple of friends who play the highland pipes, and a few years ago at a local festival in a walled pub yard they went into a corner to "tune" their pipes. On their return I enquired of one of them if he could tell me the difference between 2 highland pipers tuning their pipes adjacent to a wall, and a couple of drunks uriniting against the same wall. Alas he was not able to do so. I had to inform him that the drunks were more socially acceptable.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: DD
Date: 22 Apr 02 - 01:24 AM

The Definition of a Gentleman: "A man who knows how to play the banjo........and doesn't" Mark Twain


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 22 Apr 02 - 07:46 AM

There are some who love the pipes -myself among them- and there are some who eat eggplant.
There is NO accounting for taste (or the lack thereof).

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,BRIANO1066
Date: 22 Apr 02 - 11:10 AM

JUST AN OBSERVATION AS TO THE ORIGINS OF THE BODHRAN, WHICH SOME BELIEVE TO STEM FROM THE USE OF A GOATSKIN BASED TRAY USED TO HAUL PEAT. NOT TRUE! A RESEARCH COLLEAGUE HAS ESTABLISHED BEYOND DOUBT THAT THE TRUE ORIGINS OF THE BODHRAN AND THE BODHRAN PLAYER WERE MARTIAL, WHEN HOARDS OF MAURAUDING CELTS FOUND THAT THEY COULD CAUSE THEIR ENEMIES TO TREMBLE WITH FEAR WHEN THEY BEAT THEIR SHILLELAGHS ON THEIR CIRCILAR SHIELDS. CROSS-CULTURALLY IT SEEMS REASONABLE, BEARING IN MIND THE TACTICS OF CHAKA'S ZULUS, AND THE PAIN EXPRESSED AT MANY FOLK SESSIONS.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 22 Apr 02 - 02:03 PM

What gets me is that there are many people who don't seem to realise that Scots bagpipes are one of the few instruments that are MEANT to be heard in an open field from some distance (and sound better that way) - they are, after all an instrument of war (indeed, under British Law - from a precedent of, IIRC, 1746- they are a WEAPON of war).

Regards

Walrus


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Troll
Date: 22 Apr 02 - 03:06 PM

Guest Briano1066, all-caps is shouting in internet parliance. While I am sure that you have great enthusiasm for your subject, you won't find many adherents to your point of view if you yell at us.
At anny event, the Celts favored the ax and sword over the club and carried oblong shields (Circa 280 BC). The round shields did not come into use until about the 5th century AD.
The shields were made of wood and covered with rawhide. If the warrior was wealthy, the rim might be bound with iron. It was common in all cultures that fought with sword and shield to beat upon the shield with the flat of the sword to cow the enemy. It was not a trait peculiar to the Celts.
Actually, the thing that made the Celts feared in battle was their utter disregard for death or injury once they had committed to battle. The only reason that Juilus Ceasar beat the Gauls was that they had no discipline in battle. Man for man, they could outfight the individual Roman but if their initial charge didn't break the lines, they were just as apt to leave the field and go home as not.
My own thoughts on the origins of the bodhran are not repeatable in print.

troll


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Apr 02 - 10:14 AM

Well said, Troll. Reading Caesar's Commentaries one can find out that the Germans used to bang their shields, too, accompanied by their famous battle cry, the "ululatus".
And now to the poor bodhran players. It seems to me that a lot of people are used to think that a drum is easier to play than a melodious instrument. This may be true to a certain amount, but banging happily away the cadence is no mastership nor a special joy for the audience. You must have heard some true masters of the hand beaten drum, especially in the Orient, to notice the deep, deep gap between these two kinds of playing. Hence the detesting a lot of bodhran players, especially the unkempt girl in folkloristic rags with the shrill voice.

Wilfried


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Jun 05 - 09:15 PM

what do you call a dead bodhran player, a start.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,oliver
Date: 02 Jun 05 - 09:17 PM

what do you call a dead banjo player, a good start


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,pat spud
Date: 02 Jun 05 - 09:25 PM

when someone presented stevey wonder with a cheese grater, he turned around and said, this was his favourite book.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST,joe dolan
Date: 02 Jun 05 - 09:37 PM

music is knoledge and knoledge is power, i think thats, westlife, fecked so.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: muppitz
Date: 03 Jun 05 - 03:50 AM

General folk joke that Brian Bannister used to tell when he was still with the Bushbury's

What's the difference between a Rock Club and a Folk Club?

The Raffle

muppitz x


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Jun 05 - 09:30 AM

What does a fiddler use for birth control? His personality.


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Subject: RE: Bad musician jokes
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 03 Jun 05 - 11:34 AM

A guy knocks on the door of a big house, and, when the owner answers he says "Excuse me for disturbing you, but I am fund raising for a young musician who has won a scholarship to the Conservatory of Music in New York. You see the scholarship covers his tuition and accommodation, but not his fare. I wonder if you might be willing to make a donation?"

"Surely", replied the man, "How much do you have to raise?".

"Two hundred pounds" he answered.

"That's not a lot, in fact I'll cover the whole of it", said the houseowner, "By the way, what does he play?".

"Banjo", came the reply.

"Hang on there", said the man, "I'll be right back".

Sure enough, in two minutes, there he was with a cheque in his hand.

looking at it, the guy said, "Thank you so much, but I think there must be a mistake, this is made out for a thousand pounds".

"That's right", said the man, "Send four more of the buggers with him".


Don T.


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