BS: US Unprepared

Subject: US Unprepared
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 08:30 AM

U.S. "GROSSLY UNPREPARED" FOR UNLIKELY THREATS

No Plans in Place to Deal with Drying Up of Oceans, Giant Moon Explosion, Or Potential for Everyone to Be Pecked to Death Like in "The Birds"

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a haunting Senate hearing today on risk assessment and emergency readiness, officials from dozens of government agencies conceded the United States is "grossly unprepared" to deal with thousands of highly unlikely threats, including falling chunks of the Moon should it explode into pieces, or the simultaneous spontaneous combustion of every person east of the Mississippi.

Or anything to do with vampires or poisonous housecats.

As senators listened aghast, officials from the Centers for Disease Control, FBI, FDA, NASA, and National Endowment for the Arts confessed that despite the safeguards implemented since September, the country remains at implausible risk.

"I can tell you that today, right now, if Peruvian President Alejandro Toledo develops the ability to shatter the eardrums of American textile workers with a mere thought, we're going to be in trouble," testified CIA Director George Tenet.

CDC Director Dr. Jeffrey Koplan was equally disheartening in his analysis.

"If some undetectable disease is introduced that spreads so quickly and is so deadly that anyone within a 10,000-mile radius dies before they're even exposed, we have not dedicated adequate resources to handle that effectively at this time, no," Koplan said.

Asked what diseases might fit this category, Koplan shifted uncomfortably as he acknowledged the CDC did not know of any, nor had it directed drug companies to prepare a vaccine to combat them. That response infuriated and terrified Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan.

"What do you mean you 'don't know of any'?" asked Roberts. "The entire nation, and perhaps the entire world, could be killed by this virus and you've never even heard of it? I won't even bother asking what you're doing about killer bees."

While some senators and agency directors focused on external threats — under withering cross examination, Mary Ryan, assistant secretary of state for consular affairs, confessed that Canada could attack at any time.

Occupational Safety and Health Administration administrator John Henshaw, for instance, was noticeably cowed after Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott turned his attentions on office supplies.

"Mr. Henshaw, like million of Americans, I want to believe my country can protect me, but also, like millions of Americans, I have a stapler that I use to fasten important papers," said Lott, holding up a Swingline #545 desktop model. "What if this stapler suddenly turns on me, decides to attack me, inflicting hundreds of puncture wounds on my person like this (clack) aaaargghh!! (clack) arrrgghh!! (clack) eowarrrgghh!! so that I bleed to death?"

After a long silence, Henshaw, refusing to make eye contact with Lott, offered no reply.

"Well, God help us," intoned Sen. Joseph Biden, D-Del., who then ordered the Senate's sergeant-at-arms to remove all staplers from the Capitol building and congressional offices.

Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, however, urged senators to stop the hearings, explaining that airing such dangers publicly could expose weaknesses that America's enemies would exploit. Biden, however, said the American people deserved to know what their government was doing to safeguard them, and asked Ridge if his team had considered the possibility that a rogue nation might create a Category 5 hurricane the size of Asia that would have the ability to suck up the entire U.S. wheat harvest.

"Boy, I don't think so," Ridge replied as several senators ran screaming from the building as a precaution. "Also, I haven't given much thought to the potential for an army of lethally radioactive wallabies that could crawl into all our beds at night, pretending to be pillows."

Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, meanwhile, testified that HHS was ill-prepared to respond if every American, from infant to the elderly, suddenly began smoking cigarettes and continued to do so, non-stop, 24 hours a day. However, Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C., had Thompson's testimony stricken from the record, arguing that it described a "goal," not a threat.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 08:33 AM

Droll! Troll!

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: sophocleese
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 09:24 AM

Guest where did you get that one from? Thanks for cheering up my morning.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: gnu
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 09:42 AM

.... poisonous housecats. If you ever get clawed by a cat, especially an unfamiliar one, keep a close eye on the wound. I know of a lad that lost most of his foot after trying to shoo a strange cat away from his back door. The scratch happened about 10PM and by 6AM he was in hospital. A little scratch is all it takes.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: sledge
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 09:48 AM

I think the above is from www.satirewire.com

Cheers

Sledge

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: alanabit
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 09:54 AM

I haven't been this frightened since "The Phantom Batter Pudding Hurler"...

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:04 PM

What about teenagemutantninjachainsawbikerbroadsfromhell? I agree we are totally unprepared (except for me hee hee) I have a lucky rabits foot that will protect me and mine...

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Ebbie
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:14 PM

Are you sure about that, GUEST? Didn't do much for the rabbit.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:24 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Sounds typical...

Let this remind us all not to depend on some government to protect us, but to do it ourselves.

I have tethered my stapler to the desk on a very short chain, and now feel quite secure.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: DMcG
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:33 PM

You mean you trust the chain?

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:35 PM

Dohhh I never thought about that.... Guess I'll just buy more guns and trust my own ability to defend my family ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:40 PM

All of these threats pale beside the very real danger of our conquest by space aliens. Think about it...in every science fiction movie, we are completely taken by surprise by extraterrestrials who have destroyed their home planet and now seek to dominate ours, reducing us to mere slaves. Oh sure, they pretend to be friendly in the beginning, but soon enough their nefarious intent is revealed. Wouldn't it be better to have a well thought out plan of defense, so that when these fiends arrive we can say "nice try! Now eat laser, Venusian!"?

Keep watching the skies!

LEJ

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 12:52 PM

Yeah, Alanabit....lets be thankful he just practiced his heinious crimes in Bexhill-On-Sea

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Amos
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 01:31 PM

I'm with LEJ -- the probabilities are VERY HIGH -- the only reason it hasn'thappened yet is that they are discovering it takes longer to destroy a planet than originally thought. But we should not be naive enough to confuse this brief respite with genuine mitigation of a very important risk.

A

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Rollo
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 02:03 PM

RADIOACTIVE WALLABIES???
Wasn`t my pillow quiet hairy tonight???

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Troll
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 03:25 PM

FOOLS!

While you laugh and jest, GREAT CHTULHU is slowly turning HIS attention towards Earth.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: kendall
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 04:10 PM

Can you imagine a world without humor?

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 04:30 PM

Troll - Now you've done it! You have drawn attention to something which the wise do not speak of. Like Crawford Tillinghast, and many other hapless wretches whose curiosity exceeded their good judgement, I fear that you will find no escape from the inchoate horror that is even now reaching out its tentacles from an arcane antiquity beyond any conceivable dimension, vast beyond man's puny striving imagination, to snuff out the sanity and, yes, the very existence of the tiny crawling bit of humanity we once knew as "Troll".

O pitiable fool! You have put your finger in a pool of endless night, an abyss of ultimate perdition, a majorly uncool downer of a situation! You are up the River Styx with no outboard!

And don't forget...C****hu is particularly nasty to those who misspell his name...whether or not they put it in bold type...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Amergin
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 04:32 PM

thanks for providing humour for another nerve wracking day at work...never knowing if you will be the next one to face the axe....

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 04:45 PM

Where do you work, Amergin?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: gnu
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 05:06 PM

.... Wouldn't it be better to have a well thought out plan of defense, so that when these fiends arrive we can say "nice try! Now eat laser, Venusian!"? ....

At least us Canucks will be saved, because the almighty William Shatner will save us, albeit at about three minutes to the hour, from any aliens, no matter how vile.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Deda
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 06:22 PM

Well, I'm WEST of the Mississippi, so I'm putting my anti-spontaneous-combustion belt into storage along with my Magic Venusian Decoder Ring, since the Venusians will obviously head straight to their home town of Venice, California, where I'm not. What a reLIEF!

However, I'm seriously thinking of taking my cat down to the taxidermist, along with my stapler.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 07:04 PM

The Govt wants you to register all staplers. You are not to carry a conceal stapler, or stockpile more than 500 staples. They must be locked in a secure steel cabinet and the staples kept in a seperate location.....

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: greg stephens
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 07:29 PM

Well, things are pretty quiet in England at the moment, hang on wait a moment there's a funny noise...

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 08:11 PM

Gnu - GREAT point about Shatner! As long as he is alive, no aliens dare threaten Canada. They flee at the mere mention of his name. I believe he is also capable of overcoming even the most savage stapler attack. I meditate in front of a picture of William Shatner every evening, and am then able to sleep in absolute calm and security, knowing that I am fully protected.

Americans, however, are in a much more precarious situation because, as has been pointed out above, "Canada could attack at any time..."

So just watch it, eh?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Troll
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 11:30 PM

LH. Since I mis-spelled the GREAT ONES name, HE will pay no attention. A summoning only works if the NAME is spelled correctly. And, of course, I haven't spoken IT!
I ain't as dumb as I look!

troll

ps. It's a lower case "t" in troll. A small thing, I'll admit, but we all have our little ways.

t

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 02 - 11:37 PM

LOL! I should've known better than to assume anything with you, troll. Smart move there...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 14 Apr 02 - 01:08 AM

My greatest fear is that the aliens will not actually announce their arrival by landing on the White House in their hideous gleaming saucers, or crash land in the New Mexico desert where they will transform ants and tarantulas into giant, bloodthirsty insects which howl horribly. No, my fear is that they may already have infiltrated our teeming populations with individuals who resemble us down to the very fingerprints. This is a well known tactic, especially when they place the seed pods under your bed. My advice to be on the safe side is check under your own bed for things that resemble big green beans. Also, examine your family members, co-workers, supermarket checkers etc for signs of alien replacement. This often manifests as blank staring, monotone speech, stiff walking etc. So far I have detected hundreds of these, many of which are government employees, Canadians, and teenagers. Some may in fact be appearing on internet forums, perhaps even the Mudcat Cafe! I am not mentioning any names, but they are very curious about Earthlings and their habits, even wanting to know if you "ever played" a certain guitar, etc. They may also be obsessed by "space shows" such as Star Track and fictional personages like W Shatnner.

You really can't be too careful, you know.

LEJ

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Hrothgar
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 04:01 AM

Then again, these aliens might be pretending to be politicians bent on destroying the world.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 07:06 AM

Just remember that guns don't kill people -- Evil Communist Junkie Penguins do.

Subject: RE: BS: US Unprepared
From: SharonA
Date: 15 Apr 02 - 09:26 AM

Lonesome EJ: Wait a sec... didn't that other thread say that God was under the bed? Then God's already been taken away and replaced by that seed pod under there!!!!! Oh, man, we're in deep doo-doo now.