BS: Stupid things said to you at work

Subject: Stupid things said to you at work
From: RangerSteve
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 06:26 AM

There's a full moon coming up, and I'll probably have more to add to this later. Anyway, what's the stupidest things people have said to you relating to your job?

I'll start: "You think because you have a gun and a badge and a uniform that you can just go around enforcing laws?"

Or "Is it customary for the police in this town to pull people over and write them summonses?"

Or over the phone "I'm looking for a State Forest, I don't remember what the name was, but I remember that it's the one with all the trees"

or "How come nobody warned us that there were wild animals in these woods?"

Steve (New Jersey State Park Police)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Watson
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 06:33 AM

Believe me, it's only a coincidence that in my story it was a policeman committing the verbal blunder.
I was working in a telephone exchange when we had a spate of broken windows. The local bobby came to see, and without looking up from the form he was filling in asked, "Are you on the phone here?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: greg stephens
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 06:36 AM

I've never been over fond of policeman asking me what I've got in my banjo case. You just know that youre going to be in trouble, whether you say" A banjo,officer" or " A machine gun, what do you think". And as a professional muscian, I thnk this qualifies as a thing said to me at work. Never been said to me in New Jersey, I hasten to add. Look it was just a joke, OK,officer??? help!!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: greg stephens
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 06:43 AM

If youre still in a telephone exchange, Watson, I think you should deal with some of the phone problems I've been having, and not sit gawping at Mudcat on your computer.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: mooman
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 06:48 AM

"Your workload will not increase".

The stupidy was that I believed it!

mooman

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Watson
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:06 AM

Greg, no, I've grown out of that!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:35 AM

Is he a sandwich or a dinner?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:44 AM

Not too many things said to me, but I've said some spectacularly stupid things at work:

Top of the list has to be when bemoaning the fact that Mark disapproved of the whole "office christmas party" culture "Oh - does he think I'm going to suddenly be like a butterfly bursting out of its clitoris?".

Or - when waiting a long time for the lift (elevator) "This is taking so long - I only want an up lift".

And another time, when I remarked to colleagues that they were talking rubbish because it was a "fallacious concept" (guess what they thought I'd said).

Funny how its the rude ones that stick in my mind...

Kris

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:45 AM

Back when I lived and worked in Kennebunkport, Maine (very much a resort town), I collected what the New York Times refers to as "stultifying inanities" -- the stupid things people say when they're on vacation.

For awhile I managed a woodstove shop that housed the local tourist information office out on the back porch, so I kept one ear cocked out there, too. Then I worked in the local hardware store where tourists on the sidewalks kept saying (in both English and French), "Don't go in there -- that's a regular store." (As opposed to all those "irregular" stores on the street!)

Comments ranged from the couple on the bridge overlooking the very tidal river (tourists don't understand tides) who said, "Isn't it nice how they park all the boats going in the same direction," to asking if the woodstoves were gas or electric and do they need a chimney, to the people walking around the hardware store, picking up a hammer and saying to their companion, "Oh look. Our hardware store at home has one just like this."

But my favorite story was the summer person who came into the hardware store looking for something to take rust off metal. I suggested naval jelly and he looked confused and said, "No it's just a bit of surface rust; I can wipe it off with a wet rag." I suggested solvent alcohol so it wouldn't promote further rusting. He again looked confused for a moment, then brightened and announced, "I'll use gin! I have more of it!" and ran out of the store.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:59 AM

Here's one kinda' related to your question. If you have ever jockeyed gas for a living, you know that giving directions takes more time than anything else......everyone seems lost and unable to read a map! We had a station on the freeway but Denny and I had opened a large new garage several miles away. We kept the station though and Den's brother ran it. It also suppled us with some additiona; mechanical business due to it's location. So............

It's a pleasant summer afternoon and I've had to run out to our freeway station to fix a stranded traveller's car. Before going back to the shop, I'm having a coke and BSing with a couple of our gasjocks out front. Remember those days? Complete underhood check, clean windshield and rear window, and you sat in your car and didn't have to do a thing, all for about 35 cents a gallon! Anyway, a new Buick deuce and a quarter drives in and the guy gets out dressed in expensive sports clothes, the woman waits in the car. He looks distastefully at us and asks,

"How much farther is it to St. Louis?"


This wasn't really a stupid question, but one we didn't hear often since we were on the far east side of Columbus, Ohio. I'd just been out that way a little before, so I answered, "Oh, I'd say it's about 500 miles or thereabouts." Stanley Snappy looks at me like I'm an idiot and quite nastily says, "That's ridiculous." I'm immediately pissed, but keep it "quiet." Stanley continues, "It can't be that far!" The rest of the conversation was close to this:

ME: Well, I dunno', it's something like that.
SS: Can't be. Can't be that far.
ME: OK, so it's 475.
SS: That's ridiculous.
ME: Look man, I just drove through St. Louis last month and it's 500 miles from HERE.
SS: It can't be.
ME: Alright, I give up.....How far should it be?
SS: It can't be more than a hundred miles. We left home at 11 this morning.
ME: Really? Well, uh......Where's home?
SS: Kokomo.
ME: As in Indiana? (Gasjocks are cracking up)
SS: Of course!
ME: Well this would be Columbus as in Ohio......of course.
SS: (Just stares---Still doesn't get it, looks at the laughing gasjocks)
ME: Well lookit here sport, I'd say you took a wrong turn in Indy.
SS: What do you mean?
ME: I guess I mean you fucked up. This is OHIO!!!
SS: Huh?
ME: Jesus Jack, you've been driving the wrong fuckin' way for 3 hours.
SS: I have?
ME: Hey, no shit!
SS: Oh God, now what am I gonna' do?
ME: Personally I'd head back WEST on 70, but that'd just be me.
SS: Yeah...No, that's not what I meant. I mean what am I going to tell my wife.


.......and for the first time, I actually empathized with this idiot. His personality had changed about 180 degrees in 10 seconds and I had a feeling it was going to be a REAL LONG DRIVE to St. Louis. As they drove out, we watched to see if they got on 70 West...they did. Dan turned to me and said, "He must have borrowed the car." I asked why he thought so. "Anybody that dumb couldn't have a job to pay for it." He was probably right.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: MMario
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 08:10 AM

That's like the idiots we would get who would insist they could get to New York City by driving *East* from Cape Cod (you cannot get ANYWHERE driving east from the Cape - you have to go west over the bridge first) or the Mafia don who bought 5 pounds of red plums - talking the whole time about the lovely sauce "mamma" would make from the tomatoes he was buying. (Who was going to correct him with two armed bodyguards standing next to him? If he said they were tomatoes, they were tomatoes!)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: sledge
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 08:21 AM

When I told someone that I worked away from home for four weeks as time, their reply was that it could be worse, I could be away for a month at a time, then they realised what they had said.

Yes, they were very blonde.

Sledge.

** disclaimer: please note that the above Blonde comment was said in a humorous context and was not intended to cause harm or distress to anybody living or dead.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mooh
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 08:36 AM

For a few years I worked as a union representative/negotiator sort of guy and had to hear more than my share of weirdness and stupidity. One of my favourites was a witness at a labour arbitration who said, in defence of being late for his own dismissal arbitration, that "the voices told him to clean his guns". He said it so straightfacedly (cool word huh) that he was taken seriously, and his dismissal was upheld.

Another worker, in a discipline meeting with the employer with me representing him, insisted that he was Jesus and didn't need to take direction from his supervisor. Luckily we managed to get the poor bloke professional help.

On my day job recently, someone insisted on calling me by my brother's name, even after I corrected him. He said, "Hello Robin." I told him, "No, I am Mike." He responded, "No, you are Robin." This exchange was repeated with him walking away uncorrected. It was either a weird misunderstanding, or he is more fucked than even I suspect.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 08:54 AM

In my early days of banking, I got to hear all the cliche's you see on T-shirts.

A lady actually said to me: "I can't be overdrawn...I still have checks!"

Just yesterday, a lady came in to my Credit Union to find out why it was that we had taken all of her money out of her savings account. Seems she had overdrawn her checking, and the funds had been transferred there. She adamantly told me that that was illegal. I showed her *on the form she personally signed* that she authorized us to do so. She said, "Well, yeah, but not when I *need* the money!"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: JedMarum
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 09:35 AM

These are great stories! Thanks Ranger Steve

When I was a young man I worked summers building swimming pools in New England. We made in-ground pools with steel sides, sand bottom and a vinal liner. I was about 20 years old when I was building a pool for a lady who was probably close to 40. She was watching the process and was really impressed with the quality of the sand work we'd done on the bottom of her pool - just before we put in the liner, she watched me putting the finishing touches on the bottom of the pool, and as I climbed out and began getting the liner ready she said to me "I can't believe how beautiful it is - it's a shame to cover it up." And I said, "Yes mame, you've got the nicest bottom I've seen in a long time!"

My idiot friends/work partners were rolling on the ground laughing, and the lady stood there quietly wondering if I was stupid or just being fresh.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: mooman
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 09:55 AM

I am now reminded of something amusing when working during my earlier career as a forensic biologist.

A detective from one of the local forces brought in a large plastic dustbin liner full of marijuana, collected at one of the UK's largest rock festivals, for analysis. The bin liner was full of smaller bags, each of which had to be individually checked and analyzed. He was a nice and jovial chap and said he would return in a week to collect the sack of samples and the report.

Duly, a week later, he returned. Not unsurprisingly, scientific analysis had revealed all the samples to indeed be cannabis and this was duly recorded in the report given to him.

He seemed very pleased and thanked myself and the lab assistants for our work. As he was leaving with the bin liner, one of the lab techs called after him

"...and bloody good stuff it was too...!"

Fortunately, being a nice type of bloke he took it in good spirit!

Ah...the joys of destructive testing!

mooman

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 10:01 AM

I used to work in classified ads at a weekly newspaper and people were forever calling me thinking I was the daily newspaper, complaining about something, then complained even more when I told them I didn't have any record of their ad. Then when they realized they'd called the wrong place, they'd just hang up.

One man mentioned a popular radio station and a trendy restaurant in his personal ad. A woman called me, all frustrated, because she didn't know what he meant. Just what does WRLT mean, she asked me. Ummm, it's a radio station, I told her. Oh, she said, feeling sheepish.

Another man called me one afternoon and said, you don't have any personal ads for black people in your paper. I said, that's because I don't get any submissions from black people. If I got them, I'd print them. Maybe you should get together with your friends and write personal ads to send me. Well, he said, I don't really have any black friends...

Steve, I did mouth off to a policeman once. He pulled me over for driving too far in the turn lane, even though I had my signal on, and was at the turn when he pulled me over (and, there is no such violation in Tennessee, I found out). I asked him if, since he was writing me a ticket, the police had finally caught the people who broke into my house and robbed me, because surely he had no business writing me a ticket for not doing anything wrong while felons went free. He laughed, gave me a talking-to about how dangerous I was, and I paid the ticket because I didn't have time to go to court and fight it. The people who robbed me were never caught, by the way.

I worked in food service and furniture for a number of years... I'm sure I could come up with something!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 10:12 AM

Long time ago, my new manager asked me to prepare a report on the department's strategy for the next fiscal year. Now I may be on my own here, but to me a one year strategy is actually a plan, not a strategy. Anyway, I wrote the report using the word "plan" in the title. He supposedly reads the document and returns it saying, no, I want a strategy not a plan.

So I changed the title and next day he says it's great, just what he wanted.

How he got a Phd I never did find out.

Pete

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 10:26 AM

These are GREAT!! I love "dumb" stories! This is another I've told before, but again I think bears repeating. Sometimes the "stupid thing" isn't planned and sometimes YOU can be the one that said it.......eeven if it really isn't stupid. Confused? Read on........

We stop at Ponderosa for supper. I asked the teenage girl behind the counter for some cream for my coffee. This turned out to be a stupid question. I had looked in the stainless bin thingy and all there was left was the ice to cool the little creamer containers. She stared down at the empty bin like it had just been deposited there by aliens. Since she wasn't moving, I thought I should elaborate........a real mistake.

I said, "You know, that bin there with the ice.....It holds the milk.......The ice keeps it cool.........It's empty." She stares at me as though I am the alien and still doesn't move. Okay, I keep trying. "You know, cream? Milk? To put in my coffee. The milk goes in there and I get some to put into my coffee???" Suddenly it seems to dawn on her and she says she'll be right back. I turned to Karen, who's a bit incredulous herself, and I make disparaging comments about the girl.

Karen is chastising me for being a curmudgeon when Miss Ditz returns with an open pint of milk. I'm thinking, "Okay, so they're out of creamer," and reach to take it from her when...........have you got it figured out?................yeah, that's right,....she pours the carton of milk into the bin with the half-melted ice! There is a 2 second pause before Karen and I look at each other and then are convulsed in laughter. It's so bad, that it takes a minute or so for me to say, "Can I see the manager a minute?" Manager arrives and I, choking with laughter, try my best to tell the tale. He finally looks down and sees the bin, full of watery, icey milk and stares at Miss Ditz..........Then back at the bin........Then again at Miss Ditz.........Then back at the bin.........And after his own "pregnant pause," starts laughing himself. Nice fella'.......gave us a 25% discount saying the laugh was worth it.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 10:58 AM

My favourite was something like "The printer made a mistake when it printed my copy of report 576A".

I had to dig out the input document and show him the paper with the carbon (we printed that job on 3 part paper) in before I managed to convince him that the mistake in this case was his own and that all the copies of the print run were identical...

Jon

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Noreen
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 10:59 AM

Mark has been absent from school for the last two days with a 24-hour bug...

I think I've still got my collection of notes from parents somewhere- some real gems!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 11:16 AM

I got a color printer a couple of months ago and one of the ladies I assist thinks it can do anything. However, it isn't one of those that makes copies. I've been making handouts and binders and such for her conferences, and she wanted some color transparencies done. I said, are they on the computer? (Meaning I could open the document file and print them out.)

Well, no, she said. Can't you just lay them on there and print them in color?

(sheesh)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 11:29 AM

Another subject but I think I'll give a little of what I believe is background to my difficulty in explaining to this guy...

One of the senior QA engineers (I was in Production Control - the report detailed reject components waiting for return to supplier - the normal approach was to hold certain items until they reached an agreed quantity) told me some time afterwards that this QA inspector had once spotted a problem that needed fixing but as his line of superiors did nothing, he attemepted to devise a solution. Anyway, things went wrong and the problem was exposed and poor old inspector for not "working to standard" was made the scape goat while those who had failed to act sat pretty. End result, one former willing worker (although not too clever with the computer systems) anxious to blame anything else in the system to avoid more shit.

From my view point, in spite of the difficulties, I liked the guy as his real intentions were in getting things right and he checked the report...

Jon

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mad4Mud
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 11:41 AM

I used to work at Disneyland and have been asked:
"Are you open until you're closed?"
"Where are the Fantasy in the Sky" fireworks going to be?"(Hard not to just point up into the sky for this one).
"Where is that ride that goes real slow in a boat through fire?" (Obviously they meant the Pirates of the Caribbean but it sounded so painful the way they said it).
"Where will the Main Street Electrical Parade be"? (Gee, don't go anywhere near Main Street or you may end up right in the middle of it).

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: JedMarum
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 11:56 AM

I had a broken wing vent on my 63 Valient - so I went to the junk yard one day, where I knew they had a large number of vintage cars like mine and I said "Do you have any wings for a '63 Valient?"

Of course the owner of the store couldn't stop laughing long enough to answer me ... "Hey Charlie," he yelled in between burts of tear-filled laughter, "you gotta hear this ... Go ahead," he said to me still laughing, "ask my partner!"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 12:08 PM

Stupid question:
Boss You want to work some unpaid overtime?
Stupid answer:
Me Ok

Yeah, I know it's not funny ... Sue didn't think so either. Changed job: no further problem.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Hollowfox
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 12:13 PM

I had somebody ask me for a photograph of George Washington. ("Sure, it's in this book, right next to the photograph of Moses." Surely some of you other librarians have collected some beauts?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: weepiper
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 01:44 PM

These are great!

I seem to get asked stupid questions every time I'm at work, but they mostly all blend together. I work as a bicycle mechanic in a shop which only does service/repair, doesn't sell bikes...at least twice every day someone will come in and ask "do you sell bikes?" despite the big sign above the door that says Repair Centre.

Every Bank Holiday Monday I will answer the phone to someone whos asks " Oh, are you open today?". Every time I bite back "No, I'm answering the phone for the good of my health".

My all-time favourite was the posh elderly lady who came in while I was in the middle of cleaning out a dirty hub or something and said "my, haven't you got dirty hands" in a surprised tone of voice...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 01:47 PM

One time in the winter, I walked into the office wearing a big overcoat, scarf, gloves etc...and somebody asked "Are you cold?".

"No", says I.

"So why are you wearing all those warm clothes?".

Aaargh!

But by far the stupidest thing I ever said, having resolved a (technical) problem for one of my staff was "See, I'm not just a pretty face".

She says "Who told you that?"

Ouch!

Pete

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Amergin
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 02:01 PM

"How do you connect to the internet?"

or..."what operating system are you using?

the ATT cable internet.

No, I mean what version of windows do you use?

A gateway.

what does it say when you turn the computer on?

Windows 97."

and it just goes downhill from there....

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 02:05 PM

Some wunnerful stuff here. Jeez, don't get me started. . . .

But to keep things on the music track, back around 1960 or so, a number of folk singer types were doing what they considered to be the mandatory pilgrimage: picking up their guitar or banjo and hitch-hiking around the country. Sort of doing the "Woody-Wander" I guess you could call it. They seem to feel that it legitimized them as "folk singers." Anyway, when they hit Seattle, they'd make their way to the University District and eventual wander into the Folklore Center, a music store, and ask if there were any gigs in town. A few of them had some pretty good stories about their adventures "On the Road."

This guy's name was Pat Foster. He actually had a record out, on Riverside, I think. He'd hitch-hike up from California. He said that one night he slept in some guy's field, and when he woke up in the morning, there was no place around where he could get breakfast. He noticed that there were collard greens growing in the field, so he ate a bunch. Then, to provide for his near future, he stuffed a bunch of them into his guitar case, filling all the gaps. He rolled up his sleeping back and hit the road.

It was hot and dusty, and although a few cars had passed on this road, they just ignored his thumb. Not a good day for getting rides. Then, a car pulled over. It was the local police or sheriff's department. Two burly bully boys in uniform, with .357 Magnums strapped to their donut-padded hips got out and gave him the full Gestapo treatment.

"What's your name? Lemme see some ID. Where you from? Where you goin'?" The usual.

Then came the gem: "Whatcha got in the guitar case?"

Apprehensive, confused, and fully aware that he'd stolen some farmer's produce, Pat decided to make a full confession. He answered, "Collard greens."

Certain that Pat was trying to pull his leg, one of the cops ripped the guitar case out of Pat's hand and wrenched it open. Conceive his dismay when what met his eyes was a guitar resting in a nest of collard greens.

"Then," Pat said, "they rummaged through the string box. They decided that my spare set of strings would make very effective garrotes. Then one of them found my finger picks. He put them on his fingers—backward. He snarled and made slashing, clawing movements with his hand. But when he found my capo," Pat said, "he really went insane!"

Pat said he sang 'em a couple of songs. They finally concluded that he was nothing but one of those smelly Berkeley hippies, drove him to the local bus station, and told him to get the hell out of town.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Wesley S
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 02:12 PM

Me { answering phone } "Hello - Sales Department"

Customer - "Hello - are you in sales ? " It happens once a week.

And once during a busy sale when I worked retail I was at a cash register ringing up a sale when a sweet little old lady walked up and asked - "Do you work here?" I supressed an urge to say - "No mame - this is the self serve register".

Spaw - I was at a fast food place in the Rockies many year ago and my purchase came to a few dollars and 52 cents. The young kid behind the register picked up ALL of the pennies in the register and counted out 3 pennies to make 55 cents. Then he picked up ALL of the nickels and tried to give me the rest of my change in nickels but he ran out. He got another roll of nickels and opened them up. When he gave me the rest of the change I asked - "Why not give me some dimes or a quarter" and he replied - "because that's all the change you get".

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 02:25 PM

LOL.....Ain't that amazing Wes? A friend of mine was in a fast food joint (Hardee's?) awhile back and their cash registers were down. They could access the drawers but they wouldn't do the automatic ordering and things. The grill, deep fryer, and everything else was working fine.........but they wouldn't sell him any food! He said the "manager" on duty was about 20 and the staff was mainly teens. He said why not just write it all down, give me the food, and add it up? No way. He did a quick rounded tally in his head and made an ordering suggestion and said he'd pay them $20.00 for about $16.00 worth of food. Again, no way. The "manager" actually said that he "wouldn't know if the total was right!" All fine products of American education.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mad4Mud
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 02:45 PM

One of my brother's college jobs was to inspect businesses' intake systems. That meant he had to climb to the roof of the buildings and check out whatever equipment was up there. He walked into one of these businesses and asked the receptionist if he could look check out the equipment on top. Without missing a beat she glanced down the inside of her blouse and told him everything looked fine from her view.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mooh
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 03:18 PM

Memories are returning...I once had a school teacher tell me that the reason there was no hot water at the sink at the back of her classroom was because the drain was plugged. I gently tried to explain that there was no connection between the two to which she replied "Oh, I've seen this problem before at home, believe me, I know what I'm talking about." There was in fact no hot water connection at all in her classroom. Good thing she didn't teach plumbing.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Hollowfox
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 03:40 PM

I just had a person call me on the telephone. (S)he was writing a letter and couldn't make out the handwriting to spell the last name correctly. "What's the street address?" "I don't know." "Telephone number?" "I don't know." Not knowing where else to go, I read them all the surnames in the telephone directory and the city directory that began with the same three letters that were legible. "Which one would you pick?" "I wouldn't even begin to guess.", said I.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 03:45 PM

There are no plans at this time to (eliminate my position, or a department, or an entire office)... also, once my sister when living in India had a mali (gardener) who had to go home for some reason, and said he'd be back at the end of the month. 2 months go by, no mali, so she writes him a letter saying if you're not back at the end of the third month I'm giving your job away. 2 MORE months go by, then the mali shows up and the first thing out of his mouth, I kid you not, was "Madam, I didn't get your letter!"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,former waitress
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 05:35 PM

In grad school I waitressed in a "fine dining" restaurant to pay tuition. A fella came in and upon reading the menu said, "Chateaubriand??? What is that? Some kinda stew?" He also paid with a stolen gold card...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 06:54 PM

I worked as a student 'helper' at the Building & Grounds dept at Wichita State Univ. many years ago. We were on a break one day, when the head plumber walked in with the oddest look on his face.

"You ain't gonna believe this" he said...and proceeded to tell us of the phone call he had just gotten...

A few years before, the schoool had built a new arts center, complete with a dance studio...mirrors, ballet floor...very nice!....well, after a few years, it became apparent that 90% of the students who took dance were female, so it seemed silly to have dressing rooms/restrooms for BOTH men & women right there. It was decided that men could use the men's room a short way down the hall, and that the former mens room would be turned over to the women...great!

But...remember the plumber? He had just gotten a call for the new female dance instructor, who, after a couple weeks thought she'd enquire about something...

"You know," she said.."the girls really like the nice foot washers...but would it be possible to pipe WARM water to them?"

Yep...he had to explain that the embedded floor-length urinals were FAR to expensive to dig out and pipe warm water to!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Devilmaster
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:03 PM

Being a Trustee for my public school board, I sit on a few committees. One committee deals with real problem children - Truancy, drugs, etc. Other members of the committee include representatives from Children's Aid, local health board, superintendants, and the principal of the individual's school, among others.

We dealt with one high school student, about 14, and his mother in a meeting to try and resolve some issues and find whether this young lad should be placed in an alternative learning enviroment.

The mother, who was very agitated at this child, wanted him in an strict enviroment. When the rep from Children's aid asked her what her son had done, she replied, "He stole some of my joints!"




Sometimes stupidity should be a capital crime. :)

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:28 PM

A friend who was waitressing in Kennebunk collected this story for me: a family came into the restaurant and as the woman sat down she exclaimed, "Oh it's so wonderful to be back in Maine where I can get my favorite fish: tripe. What kind of fish is it, anyway?"

Typesetting story: An ad needed to be set, statted to several sizes, reductions and enlargements, and FedExed out before a very tight deadline. The client couldn't seem to get the copy to us and there was a finite amount of time that the stats would take. The client actually said, "Can you do the stats first and we'll give you the copy later?"

The sound you hear is me banging my head against the wall.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Gareth
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:31 PM

Story - Warrented true !

I was catching claims in the Yacht and Small Craft Department of a London Insurance Brokers one bank holiday friday about 20 years ago.

17.30 hrs approaching and I thought I was going to get away on time to Cannon St. Station.

Phone goes -

the Assured " Help, My Compass is broken !!"

Me preparing to flick through the Card Index " What the name of your boat, and your name ??

He - whatever it was

Me " Yes - What happened ?

" My Wife was climbing down the ladder at Weymouth Quay, and she fell and broke the compass"

" Good God ! - Is she O.K. ?

" No she broke her arm, but if I can't have a new compass I can't sail on this tide !!"

Hmm !!! definatley a man with the proper sence of priorities.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: RangerSteve
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:40 PM

Thanks folks. These are great. And those of you who have mouthed off to cops don't need to apologize to me. There are some idiots out there with guns and uniforms that scare me, too. Some of them are on my department.

I have another to add: While patrolling a camp ground, some recent arrivals from Eastern Europe stopped me and angrily handed me a plastic grocery bag that obviously had a dead animal in it. They started yelling that a vicious raccoon entered their campsite, so they beat it to death with sticks. They were very upset that they weren't warned that there would be animals in the woods. I informed them that this is where they live. (there's some stupid rule that says law enforcement people aren't supposed to be sarcastic, but it's a stupid rule). I looked in the bag and since it was dark out, I could just barely see the raccoon, so I returned to the office and tossed it in a dumpster. I wrote a report on the incident and left my chief a note telling him where i put the raccoon, in case he wanted to check. When I got back to work the next evening, he left me a note: Good report, only type it over and change "raccoon" to "baby groundhog".

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Chicken Charlie
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 07:46 PM

Only last night we had a command performance with mucky-mucks from City Hall. The stuffed shirt in question walked up to me with his impressive gold name tag blazing on his chest and his mug remarkably like the mug-shot in the line up of photos of "Our Leaders" on the near wall, and chooses as his opening conversational gambit, "I don't suppose you know who I am."

CC

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Peter T.
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 08:15 PM

Culled from a year's crop of students (some conversations, some from exams):

"Professor, it says that you want definitions here. Could you explain what you mean by that?"

"I always thought that it was called Antartica because there were ants there, but I am wrong, right?"

"Climate change is a problem for countries with serious climate."

"The Human Genie Project is definitely numb." (I don't know what it means either)

"Professor, do you think that wild animals on television wear makeup?"

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: JennieG
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 08:46 PM

I spent many years working in high school libraries and you get some doozies there......I have had students come to the desk and ask for "can I borrow the book my friend borrowed last term, miss, you know, miss, the one with the yellow cover, miss, it was about this big miss...." in a library of about 20,000 books. And one child came to me and asked "where can I find ghosts?" I know I was naughty, I couldn't help it, I said "Well I am told that if you go to the cemetery at about midnight you will find ghosts" but it went straight over the top of his greasy little head.
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 02 - 09:36 PM

"Professor, do you think that wild animals on television wear makeup?"

So PT, is it possible that this student had wind of the Waylon Heron?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: CharlieA
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 07:35 AM

whilst talking through a procedure with a pharmacist on his computer - i'm on the phone to him from his head office.

me - can you hold down the shift key

them - is it this one

Me - i'm sorry i can't actually see what you're pointing at.

Cxxx

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Peter T.
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 09:06 AM

There is no truth to the rumour that the Waylon Heron wears makeup. Leather, sure, but makeup, never. Well, a little touchup around the beak after a very windy day, but with integrity, you know?

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 09:17 AM

I used to work in a local council office. People used to report their complaints by either telephone, post-card or in person. My favourite postcard read - "It's broke."

Trying to inject a bit of humour yourself can be dangerous of course. When someone came to the counter complaining that someone had taken their gate I responded "Well, I should not say anything or they might take offence..." I had to leave and get someone to take over when they looked blank and asked why!

The most ridiculous though was not where I worked but in a store where I was returning a pair of trousers.

"Look," I say "The material has gone all knobly down one side. I've only had them a couple of weeks."

"Sorry sir," replied the lady behind the help desk. "It looks like fair wear and tear to me."

"Come off it! How come they have onle worn own one leg then?" I ask.

She responds. "You must use one leg more than the other..."

I must admit I lost it a little at that point. They did replace the trousers though;-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 10:39 AM

(sound of phone ringing)

Me: "Baskin-Robbins, may I help you?"

Them: "What time do you close?"

Me: "10:00."

Them: "What time is it now?"

Me: "10:20."

Them: "So are you closed?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 10:56 AM

So, it's Dave (the hopping) Gnome then?
I was in an "Irish Bar" in Amsterdam last week. A customer asked for a pint of 'Kilkenny' and a pint of 'White Beer'. He paid for his drinks, picked them up, turned from the counter, turned back, and asked the barman; "which one is the 'White Beer'?
Instant reply..."Not brown one!"
BTW, the customer wasn't Irish, but the barman was!

'Kilkenny' is dark brown, and 'White Beer' is near-as-dammit white

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 11:47 AM

My mother, a librarian, says she had a schoolgirl come in and ask for a book about "Hugh".
"Hugh who?" asks my mother. (Yes, this could get complicated.)
"Hugh" says the girl. "We're learning about him in school and I have to do a project on him."
My mother suggests a number of Hughs (and I'm impressed she could even do that - I can't think of any offhand) but is quite stumped. Her fellow librarians join in, but no one can work out who the girl means. My mother prompts a bit more, and finally the girl says "He killed the dog".
Something clicks in my mother's brain and she starts laughing. "Hugh" is actually "Cú Chulainn", heroic warrior of Irish mythology...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 01:17 PM

*sigh*...it's too bad ignorance doesn't itch...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 01:25 PM

Bill, if ignorance itched, I couldn't afford the cortizone for myself!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 02:04 PM

well...not sure if it amounts to the same...but there have been a few calls I have gotten where the customer could not connect to the interent...for several days...they have been back and forth with several techs in various departments...and to their computer manufacturer....and always came back to us (tier 2 support)...I hardcoded the dns servers and bam...they were up in five minutes...of course they thought I was akin to God....i hate to say it...but I agree...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 03:02 PM

I once worked for a company that had its own cafeteria for employees. It was quite busy around noon, so the cashier had worked out a system to make the line go faster. She not only memorized the prices of all the items, but she also knew the total of every likely combination of items. So when you got to the front of the line, she'd look at your tray and immediately know the total, then she'd ring up only the total on the cash register, not the separate items. It did work very efficiently that way.

But inflation eventually took its toll, and one day the cafeteria raised all its prices, after keeping them the same for a long time. Suddenly the line became EXCRUCIATINGLY slow. When I got to the front of the line, I saw what the problem was. The cashier looked at my tray ... and stared ... and stared ... until she figured out IN HER HEAD what the total was, and then rang it up. She had apparently forgotten that the cash register could also be used as an adding machine!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Don Firth
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 05:12 PM

A friend of mine taught (among other things) a class in theater set design at Cal State Long Beach. One of his students, a congenital screw-up, failed to turn in most of the projects, and those he did turn in, although fairly well-drawn, failed to meet the requirements of the play in question. Much outside coaching and many warnings just didn't get through to the guy, so my friend gave him a failing grade.

The guy came to my friend's office most unhappy with his grade and feeling that he had been unfairly dealt with. Once again, my friend detailed the many times he hadn't turned in assignments, and pointed out where those he had turned in just weren't up to snuff.

"But I still don't see why you gave me an F," said the student. "I think I what did turn in was quality D work!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 06:04 PM

I used to work in the bulk mailing business. We used Kirk-Rudy machines to apply address labels to mailing pieces (envelopes, catalogs, and flyers of various kinds). Kirk-Rudy is the name of the company that manufactures the machines. We put an ad in the paper to hire a new machine operator, and we specified "must be experienced." We even mentioned the name of the machine, hoping to find someone who had experience with the exact kind of machine we used.

One day a would-be applicant called and asked, "Can I speak to Kirk Rudy?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bert
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 07:47 PM

We wenty into a fancy grocery store in North Alabama at the chees counter we asked the girl "Do you have any imported Romano?"

She says "That's imported" pointing to some cheese in the display.

I say "But it says here 'Made in USA'"

She replies, "Well we get it from Atlanta!"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 07:58 PM

At a restaurant once I noticed that they had 2 prices listed for beer, one for domestic and one for imported. I ordered one made by a local "craft" brewery. Then I noticed that they charged me the "imported" price. I said, "Hey, that's a domestic beer." The clerk replied, "Yeah, well, we classify it as imported because it's expensive."

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 09:34 PM

This happened when I was a zookeeper...

We used rubber buckets a lot for carrying things like food for the animals and pretty much anything else we needed to carry. So the public was pretty used to seeing keepers feeding the animals from buckets.

One day, I was filling a drainage hole in the Collared Peccary (outdoor) enclosure with some rocks, which I carried in my bucket. There was a woman and a child standing at the railing, looking into the enclosure as I approached. As I was entering the enclosure, the woman said to the child, "Look, Jason, she's going to feed the animals." The child watched me as I poured the rocks from the bucket into the hole, and said, "Do they eat rocks?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Robin2
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 10:51 PM

A few St Pat's ago, one of our local TV types was making the rounds of the pubs to report on the goings on for the 5 o'clock news. They cornered a friend of mine, and announced to the listening audience "And here's someone from Ireland now...we just wanted everyone to hear your wonderful Irish accent! And where axactly are you from?"

My friend replied "Edinburgh"

And they came back with "What a wonderful Irish accent you have!"

Duh

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Tweed
Date: 27 Apr 02 - 01:04 AM

The place I've worked at for twenty-some years builds and rebuilds fuel systems for gas stations and industry. We had a site pretty well tore up, with the tanks pulled out of the ground, concrete piled everywhere and had just loaded the old pumps on a trailer to take back to the shop when a man and woman wormed their car through a maze of flasher barricades, stacks of fuming dirt, backhoes and air compressors to pull alongside the trailer.
"Are these pumps working?" said the driver.
"No! They're not even hooked up to nothin'. What the hell's wrong with you?" says we.
"O..." sez he."Just check the tires then."
'Course this was in Florida during tourist season and to be expected....

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: gnu
Date: 27 Apr 02 - 07:41 AM

In the local yellow pages, under "Building Inspections - Residential", to the right of my company logo, it reads "Home and Commercial Property Inspections" in bold print. Under my logo, the first line in the list of services offered reads the same. I answer the phone with almost the same thing. Yup, you guessed it, but what amazes me is that well over half of the calls start that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: DMcG
Date: 28 Apr 02 - 04:24 AM

Here's one from the customer's side: everyone I know who phones to have a pizza delivered starts the phonecall with "I'd like to order a delivery".

Why else are they ringing? But what else can you use as an opening line without going straight into "I'd like a large pepperoni ...." etc?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mooh
Date: 28 Apr 02 - 06:23 AM

About a year ago, while registering a new guitar student, the parent said they'd bought their lefthanded kid a righthanded guitar because the guy in the music shop said lefthanded guitars are very rare (ie, he didn't have any in stock), and lefthanded guitar strings had to be special ordered. Lefthanded guitar strings?

Another time I was informed by the parent of a student not to teach the kid any rock music as the family didn't believe it was Christian. Not a problem, but when they suggested even "Rock Of Ages" wasn't appropriate because it had THAT word (rock)in it, I thought them quite misguided. Not wanting to rock the boat, I let it be.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: brother
Date: 28 Apr 02 - 06:25 AM

The great work sayings are from that unsung group of heroes,the purveyors of vast quantities of gibberspeak,the people whose every new initiative or "vision" signals the end of another rain forest. They are the human resource departments .Is there a human resource shanty? My favourites are "people are our most important asset".... means we're halving the labour force. "we are going to concentrate on our core business" ... means "we're halving the labour force" "In the long term they will make us more competitive"... means "we are halving the labour force" "We are to become global players in an increasingly global world" Means we are going out of business within a year"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Troll
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 12:13 AM

I spent many years as a window clerk in the main Post Office in our town and I ran across some doozies over the years. One of my favorites used to happen regularly before we were authorized to accept credit cards.
Customer; "Hi. Do you take Visa?"
Me; "No sir. We're not set up to accept credit cards."
Customer; "Oh. How about Mastercard (Discovery, Diners Club, Carte Blanche, etc)?

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Sarah the flute
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 03:39 AM

Brilliant stories!

Working in a posh school library we frequently have parental tours. The comments often go along the lines of...

Do you work on a voluntary basis?

What a lot of books

What a nice place to work (.... for a woman!)

I expect you have a lot of time to read

For the staff we act as a more approachable first point of contact if their computers go wrong as they are too scared to go straight to the IT men in case they say something stupid. The classic was when one of them was berating IT because they had not taken his computer to be mended. Closer inspection showed that he only had a key board and monitor on the desk and the magic box was indeed being mended by IT.

Curiously we seldom get stupid questions from the kids! Education must be working somehow!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: alison
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 04:28 AM

from a 30 year old fella about to go for a circumcision....

"do you think this will hurt?"

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,micca at work
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 05:14 AM

Apart from the obvious , memorable, Biology teacher with a lighted taper in his hand saying "Is this ether Flammable?" as it set light to his sleeve!!!
I am not sure these qualify as "said" but they are in this weeks staff Buletin at the College where I work here in the UK
" Senior Tutors will conduct NRA moderation" ( I think ) I hope) it means something different than in the USA)
" Youth Offending Team" ( I can think of a few I would like to offend)
"Potential members must be over 18 years old and have an interest in young people ( mmmmm, not sure about this either, after the recent fuss we have had about "interests in young people" in the Catholic Church etc)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,Wombat
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 09:26 AM

My very stupidest thing, as an eager young receptionist at the Family Planning Clinic, was to answer the phone to someone enquiring about vasectomies. What I meant to say was that they had to make and appointment to come in and discuss this with the Doctor. What I actually said was "I'm sorry, we don't do them over the telephone".

Oops. I have to say I am blonde now, but I wasn't then.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,Pete
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 11:28 AM

While waiting for a lock to fill on a canal holiday in the Midlands I heard an onlooker speaking to the occupant of the adjacent boat. "I can see how the water fills the lock and raises the boat so you come out at a higher level, but where does all the water come from?" A fair question, I thought. The guy on the other boat thought awhile then replied "Well, boats go the other way as well you know" and bring the water uphill with them presumeably

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 12:28 PM

My boss's car was broken into while his car sat on our company parking lot. The thief stole his leather jacket, which he had left in the back seat. The police came and made a report, and then went away. It wasn't until an hour or so later that my boss realized his cell phone was missing, too, and it must have been in the pocket of the jacket. He promptly dialed the number of the cell phone. Somebody answered. My boss said, "You son of a bitch! You stole my jacket!"

The guy on the phone protested that he didn't steal anything. He had just "bought" the cell phone from somebody else. My boss said, "I need that phone back. It's got all my business numbers programmed into it." The guy offered to sell the phone back to my boss for $50. My boss said, "I don't have $50 with me right now. I'll have to call you back."

My boss called the police again. They asked if he would come down to the station. So later that day, my boss called the thief again, this time from the police station, with officers listening in and recording the call. He made an appointment to meet the guy on the street that evening and get his phone back.

At the appointed time, a plain-clothes officer went to impersonate my boss and keep the appointment. My boss sat in an unmarked police car a half-block away and watched the whole thing. When the officer held out the $50 bill, the guy snatched it out of his hand and ran away, thereby adding to his list of crimes and providing ample "probable cause" in front of witnesses. The officer ran after him, tackled him, and completed the arrest. They soon identified the "perp" who already had a long rap sheet.

A few days later, my boss realized that he could call the phone company and get a list of all the calls that had been made to and from the cell phone while the thief had it in his possession. There were several. So he again called the officer who had handled the case and asked if he would like to have the list. The officer said, "Sure!" So my boss gave it to him. I never heard the outcome of that part of the investigation, but I like to think the police had a grand time identifying other crooks with whom the crook in question did business.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Tyghress
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 02:09 PM

Anyone who has ever worked in Tech Support has some real beauts to tell, I'm sure.

My best one...a client called and the receptionist processed the call normally, and put the client into a queue for help. The client didn't object and waited for about 5 minutes before I picked up the line.

Client: My PC is smoking. What should I do?

Me (astonished) : Unplug it. NOW.

Client: But won't I lose all my work?

Me : UNPLUG IT! NOW!

Client: I'm pressing 'save' but it isn't doing anything? What should I do?

Me (pounding head on desk): UNPLUG IT.