non-music: Heartbroken

Subject: Heartbroken
From: GUEST,chordstrangler
Date: 06 May 02 - 01:58 PM

My heart is broken'

Please forgive me. I'm sitting here at the computer with a bottle of whiskey to keep me company and I'm desolate, broken, and down in the dumps. Can I appeal to your better nature to spare a thought for a fellow 'Catter who is in serious trouble.

Let me tell you what is troubling me. Myself and my wife Maura are veteran foster parents. Over the years, tidal waves of waifs and strays have arrived on our doorstep and have never been turned away. We suffered in their coming and their going…. but it was a dirty job and somebody has got to do it!

Then came Axel. We got him when he was three days old. He was the product of a difficult and dysfunctional relationship. Normally we would only have a kid in this situation for six months or so, but because of the inefficiency of the social workers over here in the south west of Ireland, he somehow fell through the cracks.

From day one he and I became great friends. I introduced him to acoustic rock and roll and to the finer points if Irish traditional music. He was quick to pick up on it because my Axel was as bright as a button and with a face like a plateful of Mortal Sins.

To cut to the chase……This little guy and myself have had a great time together for the past 18 months. Then on Monday last I had to hand him over to his father who had eventually decided that it was time to shoulder a bit of responsibly.

My problem is that I think that his Dad, who will have control over this youngster's life is a total asshole. He is narrow, bigoted, racist and possessed of a pigmy intellect. Who am I to judge, but I greatly fear for my little man.

And his mother is dysfunctional. She is French, fucked and feckless. I'm sorry……..words fail me…I got to end here.

Mickey

Subject: RE: Heartbroken
From: GUEST,Bill Kennedy
Date: 06 May 02 - 02:08 PM

Mickey - you did everything you could and then some, I'm glad there are people like you in my world. Love is the hardest thing, it always breaks your heart, but it's the only thing that makes life worth living. I hope you will have the opportunity to be there for other children and teach them what you can, they will pick up what they can, and I'm sure Axel, though not yet 2, will not forget you nor Maura. You may see him coming down the road with a guitar some day, looking for some more songs. As for his Da. Bigotry is a thing learned, but the best and brightest see beyond what's right in fron ot them, and overcome it. Axel may well need a little intolerance in others to develop more tolerance in himself. It's impossible to know, but the bottom line is you are being the best Mickey and Maura you can be. Good on ya both, always. And don't forget Maura's probalby hurtin' as much as you. Take care of one another.

Subject: RE: Heartbroken
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 May 02 - 02:09 PM

It was hard to let each of my own chldren go, as adults, and let them find their way. I cannot imagine having to let a baby go, esp. to people whom I didn't trust. You must feel such grief. I am sorry for this and will hold you and Axel in my thoughts...nothing to say which will make it better...sorry,

kat

Subject: RE: Heartbroken
From: Bobert
Date: 06 May 02 - 02:11 PM

Mickey,

Contact a lawyer. The game may not be over yet since the father may not be a "fitfull" parent, but be prepared to offer to adopt. And for God's sake, put the booze way or you may find yourself not that fitfull either. Also, call the social worker and ask if there is any kind of appeal hearing that can be forced. And lastly, if that fails, have the social worker make constant field visits to moniter the situation for problems that would involve social services to become reinvolved... Good luck.

Bob-ert

Subject: RE: Heartbroken
From: Morticia
Date: 06 May 02 - 02:15 PM

Thanks be to all the Gods for people like you, who are prepared to suffer this way....I feel for you and, as one of those "inefficient social workers" I am truly grateful for the heartbreaking job you do. I hope it works out for the little feller but the odds are against it, as you know well. Still it has to be tried or we'd be accused of playing God even more than we are.I am sorry, Mickey and my heart goes out to you and Maura, and to Axel as well.

Subject: RE: Heartbroken
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 May 02 - 02:46 PM

Take some measure of comfort in this-- I have counseled many, many people who have retained memories of something (usually someONE) positive very early on, that has sustained them through all the most awful things you can imagine, that happened at the same time (or later). They recovered these memories in the counseling process, and were able to spot how those early infusions of goodness had actually been holding them up, though unremembered, ever since. It made a reference point against which they measured relationships later.... it made a streak of healthfulness that kept hope alive even when logic left none.... it made a magnetic north inside them, that drew them onwards, towards more of that same kind of goodness, all their lives.

That's what you gave this young one. The choice to tend toward the good, and a taste for what that is like, that he will never really lose. All of that. And it takes a lifetime for it all to unfold and be manifested. You can't see it now because it unfolds so slowly-- in each moment you can only see a little tiny bit if it, the edge of a long ribbon unfolding from a tight, dense place. To see it in the moment, you have to have faith that it's there, and then look real, real hard. As you look back you see more and more of it, and sometimes with people I care about deeply, I think I can hear the rustle of that flowing, unfolding, invisible ribbon.

Every bit of good we can soak up, especially very early, is so much more powerful than we dream, or even than we hope. I think it's why this race is still on the planet, because Lord knows the bad outweighs the good if you look at sheer volume. But every moment you spent with this little one will be an unfolding blessing, his whole life long. I know it hurts too much to be purely and joyously thankful about it, right now. I'm giving thanks, right now, for both of you, that you had so MANY of those moments.

~Susan

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: Peter T.
Date: 06 May 02 - 03:07 PM

While I am sympathetic, given that you called the Father a bigot, and then proceed to refer to the Mother as "French" in a tone that can be inferred over the Internet, you might want to examine yourself a bit.

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: GUEST,kendall
Date: 06 May 02 - 03:15 PM

I dont know if it will help at this point, but, maybe if you consider that the kid may not only survive, but become an outstanding member of society to boot. People have been known to rise above that sort of situation. No man ever need be a total failure; He can always serve as a poor example.

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: DMcG
Date: 06 May 02 - 03:24 PM

Peter: Remember Chordstrangler has met these people. We haven't.

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 May 02 - 03:29 PM

Mickey,
I hope you are wrong. And I believe you love Axel enough to hope that you are wrong too. But if not, Bob has the right idea. Get a lawyer and be ready to "strike while the iron is hot" should Axel need you. And put the bottle away. This is one of the few times I would advise anyone not to drink. You need your wits about you.
Take care of each other.
Mary

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 May 02 - 03:49 PM

"If not" meaning if we are both wrong...

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 May 02 - 04:25 PM

Hi CS.........You are a "veteran" foster parent. Right now you are indeed hurting so badly that your heart has taken over your mind (a common failing) and you have forgotten a few things I'm sure you know. The first is that Fostering is a job and often a painful one. For any real vet, there is always one case, one child, that hurts so bad that we forget the "job" aspect of what we do and are ready to kill someone.....somehow.....somewhere (ours was named Miranda).

We are vets ourselves and were even recognized on several occasions by being named the Top Foster/Adoptive Family in the State. I got a good idea where you "are" right now.

Let me remind you of a positive thought or two that won't make it hurt less today, but will make it hurt less over the next few weeks, months, and years. The first year of a child's life is the most formative and important. You have given Axel a fine start and one he would not have had otherwise. You may never see the end result of this, but rest assured he is better off for it. My son Michael came to us at 9 months of age and I won't go into his first 9 months but to say they were horrendous. As he entered school age it was obvious that he had lost a year of his life and we held him back. He's making that time up now in spades but many things about him are a result of that first year. Axel has a leg up!

BTW, we worked hard with Michael's bio-mother for 18 months for a reunification, but when that wasn't happening we aggressively pursued and got permanent custody and then adoption. Try not to think so much of the "ineffective social worker" angle and more about the law. I am not familiar with the UK, but in the states, the laws are changing because many of us have been fighting, sometimes with painful losses, to change the custody and adoption laws. As long as the law still views children as chattel, we will conyinue to have problems. Maybe you want to take on the law huh? It's a nasty and mean fight here, but we (and the kids) are winning. Probably won't happen totally to our satisfaction real soon, but we're making great progress. It doesn't make it easier this time, but sometime, somewhere, someone down the road will NOT go through what you are because you got involved and helped to change the laws for the better.

And, since you're a vet, how about thinking back to some of those kids who you couldn't wait to see leave! C'mon now, if you've done this a lot, you know of at least one where the whole family, foster kids, adopted kids, bio kids, your wife, and you had a huge party when someone left! We had two that way. One was an infant that was with us for 9 months along with 6 other assorted kids. This child cried constantly....no, make that screamed all the time. We were ALL worn to a frazzle and when Joey went home we all had a literal party! We had two sisters, aged 8 and 10 who loved babies and all, but they were completely "fried" after Joey!

I wish we could talk personally CS, as typing doesn't begin to get through what I want to talk about with you. I think we could share some other war stories, both good and bad. The hurt wouldn't go away but maybe we'd make it a little lighter together. That's something we esttablished through our agency....a "Buddy" system of sorts so that there was less the feeling of being alone at times like this......an empathetic ear to rant to....it helped a lot. Maybe you ought to try to set something like that up with your agency/foster parent group?

One other thing......With one of our kids we maintained a visitation with us during the transition which went on for 6 months. It helped her and it also helped her parent a lot AFTER we sold her on the idea that it was definitely in the child's best interest and wrote it in as part of the case plan. This parent eventually did do a decent job and both the child and her Mom still drop by and see us occasionally. We were able to do this because we worked really tightly with our caseworkers. On two occasions I had a caseworker changed because I couldn't work with them. Get real tight with your agency and be aggressive and positive in the bests interests of the child and you CAN get things your way sometimes.

I'm still a Foster Trainer working with new Foster/Adoptive families. It's kinda' my job to remove their rose-colored glasses and smash the hell out of them. It's a great job but it's not for everyone because if you are doing it right, it's far too painful. Remember that if you make the tiniest bit of positive difference in a kid's life, you have had success........I know that's hard to remember sometimes. In the case of Axel, you have had a hundred times, maybe a thousand times more positive influence on his life than you will probably ever have a chance to do with any other foster child you will ever have or have had! Most foster folks can't come up with anything that good at all.

It will get better.......you know that. But damn ain't it a real SOB at the moment............

Spaw

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: chordstrangler
Date: 06 May 02 - 04:51 PM

Peter.....I'm sorry if I offended. I didn't mean to but I'm sorta upset and unbalanced at the moment.

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 06 May 02 - 05:07 PM

Chord, let Peter retract, you don't have to.

A couple from Somerset, who we love dearly, have recently gone through the exact same mangle. Thomas arrived on their doorstep as a day old chick, and was seemingly forgotten by the authorities, and when the dysfunctional teenage biological (and that's a compliment) parents started bleating about 'rights', the poor scrap was torn from them.

The bad news for the rest of us is that they will never open themselves to such hurt again. The good news is that the hurt has been salved by the passage of time, and they now see their guardianship as part of the wider circle of life.

Sure, they are damaged too, but they wouldn't have not had the little fella in their lives. Like Morty says, thank heavens for people like you.

Skipjack

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: SharonA
Date: 06 May 02 - 05:34 PM

Mickey: Thanks so much to you and to Maura for opening your hearts and your home to so many kids. Listen to Bobert and SINSULL and be as much of an advocate for Axel as you can possibly be. And, yeah, don't make a habit out of that whiskey bottle; not only will you need your wits about you but you'll need to be ready to present yourself as the best alternative at a moment's notice (and if you have booze on your breath, it won't help – and, by the way, breath mints won't work if you belch!).

Try to be strong for those waifs who will come to your doorstep in the future, too; they'll need you as much as Axel and the others did. I believe that Axel will carry with him the sense of security you gave him in his earliest months of life, as WYSIWYG says, and that it'll form the core of his personality.

And who knows – maybe Axel will work his charms on his father (maybe he has already, since the guy decided to be more responsible)!

Best of luck to you all; I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Sharon

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 May 02 - 06:51 PM

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: Joe Offer
Date: 06 May 02 - 07:36 PM

Moved, so it makes more sense.
-Joe Offer-

---

Posted By: Van Lingle
05-May-02 - 05:59 PM
Thread Name: non-music: Heartbroken
Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken

I've got nothing too add but my prayers, CS and to echo Bill's thought that it's a comfort to know there are people like you in this world who care so much about children. Take good care of yourself. Dave

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: GUEST,chordstrangler
Date: 06 May 02 - 07:53 PM

Thanks to one and all. I have put the whiskey bottle aside and have decided to go out early this morning on a quest to find a slightly harder heart and another set of brass balls.

If God is good, I will live to fight another day. In the meantime may I say again a heartful thanks. You all have helped this broken urchin heart.

Love, Mickey

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 02 - 09:27 PM

Npw, there's a man I'd be proud to know -- balls of brass, and not only that, when they get knocked off, he just goes out and grows a new set!! Way to do it, chordstrangler!!

Yer on the right track for sure.

A

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 May 02 - 09:52 PM

Glad to hear you're moving on Mickey......You had no choice and I knew you would. Brass balls go along with the job of course and we all get issued new ones upon request because they do get severely mauled quite often. But I'm sorry, if you want to remain a foster parent, your heart will refuse to harden.......but it will become wiser...and that's all you need.

Pat

Subject: RE: non-music: Heartbroken
From: Amos
Date: 06 May 02 - 11:42 PM

Get it said, brother; what a fine distinction that is!!

A