BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'

Subject: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 10:42 PM

Okay, when was the last time that someone invited you to participate in a public butt whoppin. Well, I need one. In 5 weeks I go to Blues Week where I'll be playin', ohhhh, about a hundred hours a day, which is about 99 1/2 hours more than I'm playin now. Well, I figured that since I haven't done any real stupid rants lately that I could impose on you all for, well, ahhhhhh... a butt whoppin. I need to get on the ball. Come on Dougie, I'll let you have the first shot. Hey, Spawzer. I know you some kick to you but don't brinf the Reg boys. Amos? You in? Danged. Kendall just had his last treatment so I know I can count on him. Hey, this is bad. I mean, 5 weeks and I'm not putting the time in. Man, this is bad. I need a good whoppin! SharonA? CarolC? Sorch? FREE KICKS, CATFOLK!!! KICK HERE!!! Danged. Big MIck? NOrton? Ebbie, I know you're peacefull person but I'm beggin... LonesomeEJ? Free shot, buddy.... gregstphens? Charcloth? McGrath? WYSIWYG, danged I know you got some kick in ya cause I'm still walking with a limp... Oh man, Corey Harris is gonna do more than kick my butt if I show up out of shape... Man I gotta get inspired.... Man, this is bad... 5 weeks... gotta play 2 hours a day for the next 2 weeks and then 3 to 4... Ohhhhh, this is bad...Michealr? Howz your kicker? Artbrooks? Tweed, I know you got a kicker! Kat, you got any energy left after the move? You don't have to kick hard. Oh, this is bad... I'm gettin' a bad case of the Iz gonna get a butt whoppin blues.... Oh this is real bad. Ought to be playin'... Why ain't I playin'? Oh, the ol hillbilly Bobert needs a BUTT WHOPPIN'!!! KICK HERE... IT'S FREE....

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: khandu
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 10:55 PM

What the Hell's wrong with you Bobert??? 5 weeks and you ain't prepared? Shame shame shame! They are counting on you and you are drag-assing around. Think of the people you are lettin' down man! Think of the reputation that you will aquire when you get up there and make an ass of yourself. They will titter behind your back, they might even chortle! Ah, hell, I bet some even guffaw at you!

Come come! Up and at it! Up and at it! Man! You can do better than this crap! And you claim to be a MUDCATTER!!!

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:03 PM

Gimme a break, Bobert, what a load of crap, either you can do it or ya cain't!

Fuh'....

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Sorcha
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:23 PM

OK, bobertz, you asked for it........KICK,KICK, KICK, KICK.....YO' ASS!! I luvz ya, ya know, but this is un-called for. This is so totally unlike being prepared and having the vodka sneak up on ya............(yea, I did that last week...hang head)

Get your sh** together and just DO IT, bobert!

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Charcloth
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:27 PM

KIck! Kick! Kick! Roll! Thump!
Get Busy!

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:30 PM

LOL, S. I think (bites nails and looks at feet)??? Well, sure. But 100 hours a day? Hmmmmmm? Last time I lasted 4 days, then had to take a day off fir the Friday nite performance. Yeah, I can doooooo it. Kinda. I mean (stutters and fakes like he's watchin' somethin real interestin' in a nearby tree...) Yeah. Hmmmmmm? Okay, Susan, you may not kick a lot but when you kick? Whew!!! You been takin lessons from khandu, or what? Okay, okay, Iz gonna unplug this danged thing, throw it out in the front yard and chain myself to my reso. You'll see. ( But Bobert, don't ya' want to catch the late news? Maybe the Earth was invaded by aliens???? Hmmmmmmm???? No, I gotta do this fir the Catbox... Heck with the aliens. I mean, it ptobaly topok them 4 billion years to find Earth and so they ain't gonna leave 'cause I gotta get my fingers in shape for Blues Week. Right? Okay, I'' go play another 1/2 hour fir now. Man......this is tough. Ol' Bobert ain't used to playing. I'm goinna go play now but you all keep a kicking PLEASE.......

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:31 PM

You better get busy there Bobert. If you don't shape up, I'm sure my scary neighbor, Claymore, would be delighted to come over to your place, bury you up to your neck out in the backyard and march around you playing his bodhran until you crack.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:46 PM

Not Claymore Penwell, I hope.... (Bites fingernails nervously...) Remember his brother, Ricky, Carol? Man that boy was nuthin but bad (OUCH! Danged folks kickin' while Iz tryin' to get a few words in... OUCH!) Yeah, Ricky was areested right out of the hospital with a cast on his leg. The boy ended up over powerin' the state police officer, threw the cop out of his own car and stole not only the police car but the K-9 in the back seat. So, Iz playin, Carol... I really am. Yup, playing pacman/catbox with one hand and playing "Walking Blues" better than Robert Johnson with the other two. Yep, please don't senf ol' Claymore 'round. Open yir window and you'll hear me up there in Sheppardstown. Gotta go. There's dome real big guy at the front door.... Hmmmmm?

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 02 - 11:49 PM

And if that doesn't do it we have a coupla Uileann pipes here that'll be right over -- so if you think your fingers hurt, just wait until you find out what your ears feel like. We'll lock you in the bathroom with two of them going full bore.

While you're succumbing to that, I'm gonna empty your refrigerator and make off with your spare strings, since you obviosuly don't need 'em -- what for? You ain't gonna impress anyone, cuz ya couldn't be bothered, Right? Too much trouuuuble to do it right. Ol' Bobert, he's more the free an easy type, an' besides where he lives, working up a sweat is dangerous to yore health, huh?

And besides, what's all the fuss -- 100 years from now, who'll know the difference -- blues, music, joy, beer -- it'll all look the same from that p[erspective so may as well just treat it all the same now, huh?

Bobert, ya dumb fuck --

if you don't do another half hour before ya go to bed tonight I'm coming over there an provide ya with a vasectomy using a high E string...

Now don't get me started....

A

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 12:04 AM

No Bobert. It's the GUEST,Claymore who sometimes gives you a hard time here in the Mudcat. But you might know him from his days as a sheriff's deputy over in Leesburg a few years back. He used to smear cooked oatmeal in his beard and hide out in dumpsters while doing undercover work in the LaRouche investigation.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 12:09 AM

Well, danged, Amos. The wife will be real pleased with the additional vasectomy, in case the first two or three didn't take...

And, Charcloth, Iz workin. Iz gonna stay up as long as it takes to get to 2 hours, if I have to play "Crossroads Blues" 25 or 30 times.

And, Sorcha. Did you read the small print in the Butt Whoppin Contract that forbids pointy boots. Man, girl... or somethin like that... them pointy boots hurt...

Gotta get back to the reso....

Woke up this morning.... size 9-E in my rear... knew by that, Lord... time to get this thing in gear...

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Ebbie
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 12:11 AM

Pooah, pooah Bobett. And ah'm not gone do it, he too dang eaguh.

What I suggest, Bobert, is to block us out of your consciousness, put your instrument by your chair and every time you bend your knees, pick it up as you sit. Scales first- don't forget to call off the names- then do a ripply kind of tune- WAIT!! What kind of instrument do you play? Not a bodhran surely? Must check.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: khandu
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 12:18 AM

DAAAAMMMMNNN! Bobert! Amos was so scary that even I got in another half-hour for good measure! I'll have 'mares tonight thinking about that high-E string!

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 12:23 AM

Whew, Carol. Man, I really thought it was Ricky Penwell's brother, Claymore. Yeah, I remember Deputy Claymore from the LaRouche thing. I was real razzed over that, too, since I really got a LOL from Lyndon. He was a hoot. Totally out of his mind, but entertaining.... Gotta get back to playin... Some of these folks took me... OUCH... literally.... Oh yeah, the guy at the door was just looking for his lost pit bull.... Hmmmmmmmm????

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 01:05 AM

Ohhh, Bahhhberttt...... don't make me come over there....

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Ebbie
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 01:25 AM

Susan, I think we both have his name wrong. He probably pronounces it 'BeauBEAR'. With his accent it just fits.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Tweed
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 01:25 AM

If Corey Harris is gonna be yer instructor then I'm emailin' his website with instructions to just kick you in the nuts as soon as you walk in the classroom. Meanwhile, put some new strings on that Regal and get busy. Whut the hail have yew bin doin' son? Foolin' around wif dat danged **Spartanette** of yerz?

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 01:39 AM

All the more reason to say Bah-b'rt, then, Eb! *G*

BAHBRT! Calluses? You call them thangs CALLUSES! Ah wan' see BLOOD, boah! BLOOD! THEN yew kin heal 'em up RIGHT in REAL MAN calluses! Pay yer damn DUES, man!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 01:42 AM

I'll tell ya wot he's bin doin'! Looks to me like he's been doing too much weed and getting into flower power instead of blues, according to his picture. Check it out at "Bobert;s Corner!"

Now then, I'm thinking arse-kicking might not be the way to go. I'm thinking a little paws-ee-tiv ree-in-fours-ment might be a bit better...a promise of a little ree-ward playing amongst the Hooteronomies or, The Daughters of Lactiticus, or even the Communion Woofers might be enough. If not, we can always whip out the First and Second Mammalonians! AND, if those don't work, well we'll go back to skeerin' 'im with the ol' Beelzeboobs ! Wotchit, Bobert, darlin'!

kato'nineatyerservice

thanks to Jenellen for inspiration via email*BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Amos
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 02:08 AM

Get it said, Sistuh!! We'uns gonna make us a Temple of the Golden Globes CONvert outta ol' Beau Bear there, git him a robe and a fixed glazed look and he kin shilly shally around meditating on them curvaceous Pastor Baiters all the live-long day! Yeehah!! So get widdit, Bruvva Beau Bear -- between the high E string on one hand, and the promise of Mammalian Salivation on the other, you can see your path plainly, I yam shoah!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 02:17 AM

Bobert, if there is to be Peace, let it begin with us. I will not kick thee, nor strike thee in any other manner. :>}

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 02:29 AM

You guys are too mean. How the heck can he hold a damn guitar NOW? No man's arms is that long! And concentrate? How's he gonna do that now? Geeze, give the poor SOB a break!

BOBBERT! Git yo ass offline and quit lookin' at the puder like it's a E cup! THAT will NOT get you in the right kind of shape! Now go on, get back on yo' bidness!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 09:43 AM

Yes 'um, Miz S.... Ahhhhhh, anythinz gotta be better than that danged dream Iz had last night. Man, Iz was at some party and folks was smoking weed and well... ahhh, Iz didn't inhale or nuthin but musta got me one of them contact buzzes you read about in the High Times magazine and so I went into the bathroom to try to clear my head a tad and there was this big ol' breasted gal in there and she, well, no she didn't.... and I did not have sex with that woman and then when we were done not doing anything I looked in the mirror and Iz was a bear and then all the folks from the party came in the bathromm and started poking me with sticks and stuff.... Ohhhhh, it was horrifying... Think I'll go play some gitfiddle and try to get it out of my mind. Mind? Hah.....

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Rolfyboy6
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 09:47 AM

Bobert, you Know over at Tweed's we bought a year's supply of designer duct tape just for you. If we have to we'll tape you in the guitar playing position. What is this? You gone kinky on us again? Beat me, hurt me, make me do bad things, make me play the guitar!

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: 53
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 09:59 AM

Git your gitar and your pic and head for de woodshed. Maybe you will find some solace there. Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 10:16 AM

Hmmmmmm? The woodshed? Now that's an idea?... But I can't remember where I left the danged thing but I'll work on it...Thanks Bob, but if I don't find it can I move in yours for a few weeks? I'll try not to burn the joint down.

Yo, Rolfy. You ever use duct tape fir callouses. Heck, I might not have to go thru this month of bleeding and more bleeding. Hmmmmmm? I think you've got something there. You Left Coasters are always comin' up with new stuff... And it sure beats the heck out of some of the other suggestions that I've gotten from the staff at Acme Butt Whuppin Company. Especially Tweed's hairbrained and painful idea that involves one Corey Harris foot and the poor ol' Bobert's, ahhhhhhhhh, well, ahhhhhhhh, his, ahhhhhhh. Well, you know...

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Tweed
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 10:30 AM

Get on it Boberdzrz. These mudcat gals iz got they breastessez armed an' in the off-safety position. Duct tapin' and a kick in the nutz don't hold a candle to a gaggle of Mudcat wimmen in launch mode. I'm headin' fer the shelter fore sumpin awful happens.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: van lingle
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 10:54 AM

Bobert, kindly send me your address and I'll send you a 55 gallon drum of Whupass! No get on that guitar until the neck catches fire or turns into a fine powder and blows away. vl

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 11:18 AM

Lookit here Dorko.....You're probably the most unmitigated asshole I've ever had the singular displeasure of having encountered, a stone waste of carbon atoms and the living proof that the universe is completely chaotic and without plan. I suggest you explore your inner self which will occupy at least 3 seconds of your time followed by an accurate listing of your contributions to mankind which you can write down on the head of a pin in large case letters. Finally I suggest you learn the friggin' songs or spend a few moments analyzing the deeper meanings of Gonads and Strife, only one of which you have.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 11:44 AM

Yo, Spaw, love the link.....

Bobert - don' make me get the hose!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Jeri
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 12:18 PM

Well, I didn't have time to read the thread, but I think there's a typo in the title. Should be "Whoppin' Butt" instead of "Butt Whoppin'." Bobert, we don't need to know that you like big butts. I'm sorry, but this site is about music. While it's true, if I sit on my butt playing guitar all day it would probably get bigger (my butt, not the guitar), I really have no desire to see this happen.

Guitar playing is evil. I keep breaking nails when gardening and have gone through a couple tubes of superglue. I have to keep all the nails on my left hand short and I can't even pick my nose with any of those fingers anymore. I don't have anybody to play with anyhow, and at least in the garden, I can have a nice chat with Big Bill Buzzy, the bee, and Slow No-Hand Sam, the slug. Who needs guitars?

Bobert, I'm not sure you want your own personal whoppin' butt, or you want to borrow someone elses. In any case, I'm sure Spaw or someone else can fix you up with a site specializing in heavy hipted wimmin, and you can play that tune for a while...

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 01:31 PM

Naw, I think Butt Whoppin' is right, but it'd be better hyphenated-- butt-whoppin'.

Spaw.... where do you FIND that stuff?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 03:09 PM

Hey Bobert, I misread the thread, if it's a whoppin butt you want, check out the 2002 Mudcat calendar.....

Spaw - you really do have too much time on your hands....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Hollowfox
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 06:02 PM

Now Bobert, this is your *Mom*Fox* talking. I'm not going to whup your butt because you're asking too hard for it! Time taken to get your butt whupped will be time you could use to practice, so get a move on. I've gone through three teenagers who have all tried this delaying tactic, and it didn't work for them either, so just get the @$# dishes done, er, get practicing. And if you still lollygag and procrastinate, I'm still not gonna whup your butt, but I warn you, we'll all remember your crappy performance until the end of time, reminisce about it at every family gathering, and mention it when we introduce you to people. (snort) Now get to work, and remember I love you.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Jun 02 - 10:33 PM

Danged, Hollowfax. I mean, well...ahhh...sure. Actually, when Tweed said he was going to have Corey Harris, ahhhhh, hurt me, I got workin'. And the fingers are sore and Iz taken the cure and Iz don't need anymore butt whoppin. Really. This is the "new and improved" Bobert. Well, if there's anyone out there who just has an extra butt whoppin they don't know waht to do with, ahhh heck, I'll take it. At this point, what's another butt whoppin? Right? But I am cured...

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 02:01 AM

But there's always room for improvement, Bobert.... (with manic evil grin....)

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 07:15 AM

I tried to get word to the Corey Harris people to cancel that order Boberdzr but haven't heard back yet so when you walk into that classroom just remember to wear yer cup and keep a close eye on ol' Corey just in case....ahh..and if yer still worried about it while yore sittin' in there learnin' new techniques, just go up there and tell him,

"Mr.Harris, my name is Boberdz and I'm here to learn new blues pickin' and how 'bout just givin' me a good kick in the nuts and gettin' it over with. Go ahead, gimme yer best shot with them steel toe Redwings."

I'd think you would get some special attention after that and able to concentrate better on the job at hand. May even cause one o' them serendipitous Zen moments to occur, 'specially if you fergit the cup. You be sure and let me know if there's anything else I kin do to help out, as I got plenty more good ideas;~)

Yerz,

Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: SharonA
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 09:41 AM

Cured, eh, BÓ-bert? Waal, jest in case ye find out yer not completely ee-mune and ye has a relapse, I'll tell ya what I'll do... I'll rassle ya up a big ol' mess o' turkey scrapple an' I won't let ya eat it till ye've finished that thar pracktissin'. Yew kin smell ALLLLL them GOOOOOOD scrapple-smells an' drool all over yer rezzinater but ye CAIN'T have any if yew ain't been playin' enuff ta suit me ezzackly. Lemme see them fingers – nope, I don't see no finger-bones showin' yet. Git away from that fryin' pan!!! Go on back to yer playin' stool an' wear off a few more layers o' skin afore ye think of darkenin' mah kitchen door agin!!!!! Now don'tchoo worry 'bout not bein' able to wrap yore fingers around a fork no more; yoo'll git yer scrapple if'n I has ta spoon-feed to ye mahself or get some dockter ta pump it in ye inturraVEENussly, but only after I hear that gittar cryin' more'n YEW are!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 11:07 AM

Hey, SharonA. Iz thoughtz dat the Tweezer's settin' ol Bobert up for a wrong sided butt whoppin' was cruel but the dreaded SCRAPPLE TORTURE. Now that's real cruelity. Danged. Iza playin'... Iza playin'....Iza....

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: DougR
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 11:15 AM

Sorry, Bobert, I'm not in to Butt Whoppin'. My kids are all grown, and there's nobody around to whop anymore.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 11:22 AM

Hmmmmmm, Dougie? Another piece to the puzzle. ahhh yes. Things are getting much clearer...

Jus funnin with ya', buddy. You're such a good sport. But thanks fir the non whoppin, non the less. Could use a few more of 'em...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 11:35 AM

Bobert, LOL! Seen it before-- a thread starts with a request for something, then the requestor says later, "OK, enough!" Sorry, buddy, it don't work that way-- learned it the hard way myself. Once you toss the topic out there you don't own it anymore, because people read the top and MUST post, and they hardly even see it when you say "Nuff Said." (Be careful what you loose upon the forum! *G*)

Now, what I wanna know is-- WHATchoo doin' asking for a butt-whoppin' to get you to play more, around the clock-- and then starting a never-ending thread of BS about the (&**^()*( FBI and 9/11?????????? How you ever gonna get back to yo geetar if you tendin' THAT?????

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: SharonA
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 12:28 PM

Susan's right, BO-bert; "nuff said" don't cut it, 'specially when you ask people BY NAME to give you a wuppin'. B'sides, these here wuppin's has got to last you for five weeks yet!!

*sizzle sizzle sizzle* (heh heh heh)

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: MMario
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 12:45 PM

Dear Mr. Bobert:

this is to inform you you have been infected with the gitarpractice.exe virus. If a half-hour goes by in which you have not practiced this virus automatically causes your computer to sign you up for the "teen band craze of the week" club.

Subject: RE: BS: Bobert needs a Butt Whoppin'
From: Bobert
Date: 03 Jun 02 - 09:04 PM

Well, Shakespeare was riight when he said that world is a stage and the people merely students... (Hey, Bobert, he didn't say that!) He didn't? (No, once agian you are trying to wiggle out of some very well deserved butt whoppins with twisted and incomplete information!!!) Well, he said... (No. Bobert. HE DIDN'T!!!) Well, I thought he said that.... (No, Bobert. You're just stalling for time. Go play the danged guitar some more. I don't see no blood) Well, danged!!!! No, make that a double danged if you will. Now I'm waitin' in line to kick my own butt!!! Hmmmmmm? Danged!!! (I told you that this was a bad idea, Bobert. Or is it BeauBear?) Danged...