Song Challenge! - Part 85

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SharonA
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 10:07 AM

Oooh! A "Good on Ya" from our good Áine! And a Cow Chip Award with a silverplated spittoon, too – WOW! Thank you!!!

(That does it; I'm gonna have to get a virtual display case for these thangs – I'm out of room on the virtual mantel!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 22 Aug 02 - 06:07 PM

You are absolutely bloomin' right, there, Sonja!!! Not only is SharonA awarded a chip, but also a Golden TGG 'Good On Ya'!! for a better late than never (and it's never too late for a Challenge! Song) entry:

Here ya go, SharonA, cudos and muchas gracias for this gem:

Winner Of The Golden Cow Chip Award With Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Do You See What I'll Be? by SharonA

Yee-Haw!! -- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 22 Aug 02 - 02:02 AM

I think Sharon deserves a Cow Chip (kinda appropriate for this Song Challenge!, don't you think?) for that last masterpiece. Right, Aine?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 19 Aug 02 - 03:27 PM

Grrroannnnn, Wolfgang!

¤;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Wolfgang
Date: 19 Aug 02 - 09:46 AM

May I add that among skeptics what Mr. Buck offers is called asstrology.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 22 Jul 02 - 10:04 AM

Well worth the wait, Sharon.
"The guileless pile quivered where the bold,..."
Got a good belly laugh outa that one!

Genie
§' - D

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SharonA
Date: 22 Jul 02 - 08:46 AM

I agree, Genie, but I suppose our modest GG won't give it to herself. Ya think we can collectively convince her to take it, just this once?

Anyway, thanks so much for the Harp-Chip, Áine! I wasn't able to punch, pull and prod the following song in time to be "in the moment" (or, at least, in time to go to the library on Saturday and submit the song!), but here 'tis, a little bit late, a Christmas song in July. My biggest dilemma with this parody was finding a word that sounded vaguely like "shepherd boy"....*G*


DO YOU SEE WHAT I'LL BE?
(Tune: "Do You Hear What I Hear?" – the Christmas classic – word and music by: Gloria Shayne Baker/ Noel Regney)

Said the white skin to the twiddlin' hand,
"Do you see what I'll be?
'Way above my thigh, twiddlin' hand,
Do you see what I'll be?
So far, you are prancing with delight.
Is your braille-ass gig second sight?
Will some male ass dig mine tonight?"

Said the twiddlin' hand to the hemorrhoid,
"Do you fear when I'm near,
Stinging when I'm nigh, hemorrhoid?
Do you fear when I'm near?
What's wrong? A thong, high above the knees!
It annoys your big ass, I see.
It annoys your big ass, and me."

Said the hemorrhoid, "Do your sightless thing,
Do, and know what eyes know
With your callus firm, sightless thing.
Do, and know where I'll go."
The guileless pile quivered where the bold,
Seeking fingers its fate foretold,
Where the fingers its fate foretold.

Said the fingers, "O dimpled derriere,
Kissin' someone's ass may
Pay our fees, dimpled derriere.
Kissin' your white ass? Nay,
Not while the pile peeping from your tight
Butt will bring no good sex. That's right,
I predict no good sex tonight!"

(Big finish, with chorus) "Not tooo - niiiiiiiiiiiight!"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 10:14 PM

Whoa, there, gal!

Awright, fo'ks, dontch think TGG deserves a great big Golden Cow Chip with Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration for "The Bare Bums of Meldorf?"

Whaddya say, kids?

Genie
Glowing with pride over my new Cow Chip.

§:-D

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 06:51 PM

Well, my darlin' Challenge!rs -- it appears that we have punched, pulled and prodded (ouch!) all the entries from this Challenge! that are possible in this moment of 'Cat space . . . So, with cudos, congrats and a tip of my hat to each of you, here are your Chips -- Enjoy!!

-- Áine

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):

Haul Away Ulf! by MMario

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):

A Fortune From Behind by SharonA
I See Your Future, Now I've Read Your Bum by Sonja
Second Sight by DonD
Tush by mousethief

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

A Little Behind by McGrath of Harlow
The German Clairvoyant by derrymacash
If You Could Read Behinds, Doc by Genie

Winners Of The Golden Cow Chip Award With Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Baby Got Tracks by mousethief
The Farmer's Daughter by derrymacash

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration (The Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration is awarded for the best cow chip chunking Country version of a song in a Challenge!):

The Old Prognosticator by mousethief
Scanned By Your Hands by Sonja

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award (The Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award is given to the Challenge!rs who warm the cockles and create a special warm and fuzzy feeling in the heart of the Keeper of the Book in a song):

Feeling Your Bum Again by Sonja
He Didn't Have To Read My Palms by Deda
Put Your Buns in the Hand by mousethief

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Deda
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 04:23 PM

Well, I'm much more generously endowed above, in terms of size, than behind -- and rounder than Amos in general -- but that never seems to hinder his worshipful songs in praise of the golden globes, hymns to the overflowing cups. I'm at a loss to explain his non-entry. I thought it might be time pressures, since he's just back from the NW Pacific gig, but he can whip out song lyrics faster than I can burn toast.

'Tis puzzlement.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 02:44 PM

Nah -- this one's too close to home for my talents, Genie! :>) I've been the butt of too many jokes to let my feelings show!! :>)

Deda carries the torch pour la famille. She's got the profundity required for this kind of work! She's better cut out for it than I am!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 01:41 PM

Here's a couple of B.L.O.B.s to the fantastic Sonja -- well done, girlfried! -- for:

Some seers read the cards or tea leaves;
You read the lines where I'm not tanned.
So, do your duty--
Tickle my booty,
Liberace to my 'baby grand.'

And for a 'can-do' attitude in:

Yes, I can see clearly now I've read your bum.
A can-deciph'ring oracle, that's my way.
Don't be embarrassed, Liebschen--I am blind.
Gotta read your tight, (tight), tight (tight) young heine, eh?


Way to go, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 05:20 AM

Amos, you gonna let your sis outdo you on this one? Surely you've got a few choice lines in the can for this one, don't you?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SharonA
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 08:44 AM

(I've got another one in the works; hopefully I can wrap it up tonight and post it tomorrow. Here's a hint to the melody: it's Christmas in July...)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 05:21 PM

Now that I've allowed myself to read the earlier submissions (which I try not to do until I've worked my own for a while), let me say there are, as usual, some real gems there!  Aidan, you do know how to spin a yarn with a wry twist, don't you!  Nothin' like a couple of sweet love stories!
MMario, what a chantey!
Don, John Ashcroft is gonna have th' ol' FBI start a file on you for desecrating our national anthem (if you're a Yank, that is).
Great limerick, McGrath!
Alex, "Acres Of Hair?"  (Groannnn...) I don't know how I missed that gem of yours!
Good job, Deda!

LM(unread)AO!, all you folks!

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 04:42 PM

I See Your Future, Now I've Read Your Bum

Parody lyrics by Sonja W. Oates © 2002
Tune:  I Can See Clearly Now  by Johnny Nash

I see your future, now I've read your bum.
I can feel all blemishes on my way.
Don't be embarrassed, Liebchen--for I am blind.
Gotta read your tight, (tight), tight (tight) young heine, eh?

I think I can feel it, now your pants are gone--
All of the clues are there right on your rear.
Ach!  Here's that lifeline I've been searching for
Runnin' 'cross your tight, (tight), tight (tight) young can, m'dear!

Dr. Ulf
Sees nothin' but blue skies
Up ahead,
Assessing your butt's size.

Yes, I can see clearly now I've read your bum.
A can-deciph'ring oracle, that's my way.
Don't be embarrassed, Liebschen--I am blind.
Gotta read your tight, (tight), tight (tight) young heine, eh?

SWO

BTW, Amos, glad you liked the "Liberace" line and the Tammy Wynette parody. ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 01:29 PM

Thanks! Now I'm waiting for someone to do those great hits from the Rock Opera "Tommy,"

"Touch Me, Feel Me, Channel Me"

and

"Butt-cheek Wizard."

(It'll have to be someone else, since I don't know the original songs very well.)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 10:41 AM

LOL, Sonja -- it's a keeper!! Liberace to my baby grand, indeed!! LOL!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SharonA
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 09:24 AM

"scanned by your hands" – groannnn – "Doing things that Boston law has banned" – hee hee hee!!! Sonja, this is like being tickled till ya can't breathe... let me up for air, then I'll read it again! Hoo hoo ha ha ha...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 01:40 AM

Scanned By Your Hands
Parody of Stand By Your Man by Tammy Wynette and Billy Sherrill
New lyrics by Sonja W. Oates

Sometimes its hard to be uncertain,
Givin' in to what the fates have planned.
Will I have bad times?
Will I have good times
Doing things that Boston law has banned?

"Butts tell the future," Dr. Buck says,
"Even though folks may not understand."
If I trust Ulf, he
Will engulf me,
Paws aft, or all around my can.

CHORUS
Scanned By Your Hands,
I give you two buns to cling to.
If skin too warm you come to,
Will my nights be cold and lonely?
Scanned By Your Hands,
Stretchmarks unfurled before you.
Keep probing where that glove may land;
I'm Scanned By Your Hands

Some seers read the cards or tea leaves;
You read the lines where I'm not tanned.
So, do your duty--
Tickle my booty,
Liberace to my 'baby grand.'

Butt reading probes tomorrow's borders,
Giving glimpses of the promised land.
And if you thrill me,
You can double bill me,
Cause I'm just putty in your hands.

CHORUS

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 12:35 AM

Here ya go, Deda my darlin', your B.L.O.B. for:

He said the time was right for me to find true love,
He saw alignment of the stars above,
through his glove ---


-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 11:51 PM

LOL, Sis!! Somone go get the harmonica player!! Great stufff!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Deda
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 11:43 PM

Whoops -- the line breaks didn't copy. Sorry. Here it is with them inserted:

He didn't have to read my palms ,
to the tune of You didn't have to be so nice, recorded by the Lovin' Spoonful

I went to Hamburg one fine day
I'd heard so much about the place
The fortune teller there, they say,
Must have a touch of Delphic grace --

He said the sun would shine for me from this day forth,
He knew I'd find my soul mate someplace to the north,
yes, of course...

He couldn't even see my face
He showed me to a little booth
I lay down on a guerney tray
And with his hands he felt the truth

He said the time was right for me to find true love,
He saw alignment of the stars above,
through his glove ---

He didn't have to read my palm
He knew my fortune anyway
He felt my rump, his face went calm,
He said my luck was on its way --

He said good friends and wealth would come to me real soon,
He knew my high school sweetheart and our favorite tune
We loved to croon --

His prices seemed a little high
He said it was the going rate
I gave it to him with a sigh
Cuz he said my life would be great

He said I'd marry me a millionaire
So fifty euros, that was only fair,
Put her there....
He didn't have to read my palm
He knew my fortune anyway...(fade)

duplicate post deleted by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 11:14 PM

TGG pretty much a cutie already seems to me.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 10:14 PM

Uh, Brother Amos, on my 'puter, you gotta do a 'ampersand - A - acute - semicolon -ine' to get Áine . . . leastways, that's the way I've been doing it around here for 4 years or so . . . ;-)

-- TGG (a/k/a She Who Shall Be Acuted One Day)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 09:39 PM

çedilla? I thought ya had to go around and do the A-acute-ampersand-semicolon-ine to get anywhere with ya!!

:>)

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 09:10 PM

'Cuz that's my name . . . I think you've done something to your html mapping somewhere. On my computer, when you type my name, the first letter is a 'c' with a squiggle underneath it. I think that the Mudelf is changing it into 'normal' html . . . ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:08 PM

Áine, girl, whazzup wid yer 'pewter? Ya keeps turnin' into Áine. Howz come?

©Ž–''

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:46 PM

Ah shoot, SharonA, you had to go and use one of my best belov-ed golden oldie tunes for your parody -- fantastic! . . . Looks like you'll have to make room on your virtual mantel for a Silver B.L.O.B. for:

"So bend down and turn around and don't be a fink,"
He said, "I'm gonna feel you up. Your future is pink!
You'll get a third of what I make. I'll give you a mink..."
I held his wrist. I cuffed his ass. He's in the clink!


Whoo-whee -- purty darn fine there, girlfriend! ;-)

And a big snug and hog to Amos for my most honorable mention, too. ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 03:57 PM

As the official Depiddy Dawg I decree a A Blob Argent with Guiness Rampant for the GG's own talent:

For years I'd been dealing with the Miser of Mencken
A burg just a few twists and turns down the road,
And tired of his cheatin' and beatin' my price down,
I thought of a way to drain his motherlode.

And for the brazen effrontery of following through on ewe-know-what!!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 02:05 PM

LMAO, Sharon!

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:39 AM

WOW!,

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SharonA
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:24 AM

Ha ha ha ha!! These songs are great!!! Bravo, everyone. Awrightee, here's the one I started yesterday...

A FORTUNE FROM BEHIND
(Tune: "Love Potion Number Nine" by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller)
Pronunciation Guide: Ideally, "fortune" should be pronounced "FO-chun" ;^)

I took my two buns down to Meister Ulf –
You know, that German with the guide-dog wolf –
He's got a fad, now; I heard he paws 'em blind,
Tellin' kids his fondles tell
A fortune from behind.

I told him that I was a cop. His fix
Of skin's against the law, so nix his tricks!
I wrote out a ticket and said, "Just read this!" "Nein,"
He said, "All I read is
A fortune from behind.

"So bend down and turn around and don't be a fink,"
He said, "I'm gonna feel you up. Your future is pink!
You'll get a third of what I make. I'll give you a mink..."
I held his wrist. I cuffed his ass. He's in the clink!

He'll never go out in the daytime light.
I doubt he's missing Meldorf's bums tonight
'Cause when he pissed this cop off who'd heard he paws 'em blind,
The pokey's where I thought he'll have
A fortune from behind
A fortune from behind
A fortune from be-hi-yi-yi-yi-yinnnnd!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 01:05 AM

A SIlver BLOB to the Goddess !!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 12:34 AM

Áine, thanks for the B.L.O.B.

But (no pun intended), that song of yours was ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad!

¤;-D

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 12:12 AM

Oooooh, more B.L.O.B. candidates!! Here ya go, then:

To mousethief for:

I was nervous as you can imagine
T'have this stranger touch my derriere
Then he said, "Ach mein Lieber! It's yoost like
The hair on the back of a bear!"

And to Sonja for:

Feeling your bum again,
Nothing vile or rude--
Hey, I'm a doctor, dude,
It's my calling!


Bravo and Brava, respectively!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 10:23 PM

The Bare Bums Of Meldorf
(Tune: The Streets Of Laredo)

As I herded my sheep down the streets of old Meldorf,
I spied a small sign, 'Buck Reads Bare Bums,' it said,
My red, trail-worn cheeks, they parted in laughter,
A bright idea shooting straight up to my head.

For years I'd been dealing with the Miser of Mencken,
A burg just a few twists and turns down the road,
And tired of his cheatin' and beatin' my price down,
I thought of a way to drain his motherlode.

The dogs heard my whistle, and going to work,
They halted the flock just outside the Bucks' door,
With a ewe in each arm, I bravely strode forward,
And soon we were standing on the living room floor.

I have to say here, that old Ulf is a nice man,
With smooth and warm hands, and a beautiful wife,
Though laughed at by some, his fervant endeavour,
Is to help all his clients lead a well and full life.

In the space of an hour, three bums bared and well read,
Myself and my flock, we were back on the trail,
And as we traversed up the mountain to Mencken,
I tried to ponder my fate, but to no avail.

No more did that miser cheat me out of money,
That Ulf Buck of Meldorf, he changed my whole life,
Of all of the futures he's read, mine's the strangest,
For now I am rich with a be-ewe-ti-ful wife!


(insert sheepish grin here . . .)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 10:04 PM

Dunno, Sins, I guess ya have to ask Dr. Ulf. ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 08:42 PM

Just aft of the heart line, I believe! :>)

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 08:09 PM

And where exactly is my lifeline?????

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:51 PM

Feeling Your Bum Again
Lyrics:  Sonja W. Oates ©2002; parody of
Falling In Love Again

Feeling your bum again,
Never really lewd,
Though it's misconstrued,
It's my calling.

Clairvoyance is my game,
Play it my own way--
Really not risqué
Or appalling.

Some say that folks wear their hearts upon their sleeves,
But if your ass is bare, far more I can perceive.

Feeling your bum again,
Nothing vile or rude--
Hey, I'm a doctor, dude,
It's my calling! 
 
 

Falling In Love Again - (sung by Marlene Dietrich)
 

Falling in love again,
Never wanted to.
What am I to do?
I can't help it.

Love's always been my game,
Play it how I may.
I was made that way,
I can't help it.

Men cluster to me like moths around a flame,
And if their wings burn I know I'm not to blame.

Falling in love again,
Never wanted to.
What am I to do?
I can't help it.

~SWO~

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:33 PM

The Old Prognosticator
(tune: The Old Settler/Acres of Clams)

I've traveled all over this planet
There's little that I haven't tried
Until I heard tell of a German
Who just wants to feel your backside
Who just wants to feel your backsi-yi-yide
Who just wants to feel your backside
Until I heard tell of a German
Who just wants to feel your backside

First I thought he was some kind of pervert
Some nutcase devoid of all class
Then I read that he foretells the future
From reading the lines on your ass
From reading (etc)

So I went down to Hamburg to meet him
His wife greeted me at the door
And soon all my beautiful clothing
Was in a small pile on the floor
Was in a small pile (etc)

Then she led me into a small chamber
Where a man with dark glasses did sit
And he said "I am zo glad to meet you,
Bring your butt here vhere I can reach it."
Bring your butt here (etc)

I was nervous as you can imagine
T'have this stranger touch my derriere
Then he said, "Ach mein Lieber! It's yoost like
The hair on the back of a bear!"
The hair on the back (etc)

Well I left in a huff, let me tell you
While Ulf called, "Come back! I'm not done!"
But I threw on my clothes in a jiffy
And soon hit the street at a run
And soon hit the street (etc)

And then would you believe in a fortnight
I got Ulf Beck's bill for the fare
He said he was charging me double
For feeling my acres of hair
For feeling (etc)

Copyright ©2002 Alex E Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 05:08 PM

Well dang, y'all! And here I was worried when nobody had 'answered the call' for a few hours yesterday . . . but, my faith has been restored!! I knew you'd like this one ;-) So, without further ah-doo, here are your B.L.O.B.s --

-- Áine

To derrymacash for:

And with that the door opened, and filling the frame
Stood my darling husband, Hugh Divney by name
With an oath and a curse he lit on Doktor Buck
And through the room window the Doktor he chucked

And for:

You're the oracle of Delphi, with pleasure then, he squealed
The more I mooned, he nearly swooned, as more knowledge I revealed
Each dimple and each crease
Each mole on my tailpiece
Some light upon the future shed a beam

To MMario for:

But now I do not care at all , the size of my behind
Way haul away - haul trousers down
Don't ever trust the future sight
of a seer who is blind!
Way haul away - haul trousers down!

To DonD for:

Some may balk at the manner
I approach a ma-a-atter so gra-ave
But my reading would be clearer,
If your butt first you'd shave!

To Genie for:

A honeymoon
Will be coming in June.
Your stretch-marked beam
Reveals your dream
Will be coming true soon--
As I read by the moon

And for:

And if I show you mine, Doc, what a tale its warts could tell,
Just like a Rorschach ink blot in a bus stop toilet stall.
When you reach the part where the short hairs start, a gentleman, please be,
But a hero you need not.
You need not read my tush again,
Because my 'ending's' just too big to take

To mousethief for:

I just wanna read your futcha
I can feel from your patootcha
Whole life's written in these lines
It's like reading highway signs

And for:

Every time I wanna know what the future holds I go to Hamburg
There's a man with two hands who can wax more poetical than Sandburg
Cos my flabby derriere can tell this man who doesn't stare what the future holds for me
But he has eleven fingers and I'm not quite sure how that can be

AND for:

I been blind -- a long time
But my hands -- workin' fine
And I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

To McGrath of Harlow for:

A little behind and behold,
my hands hold a mystery untold,
I know what comes tomorrow,
so beg steal or borrow,
for a fortune in silver and gold


Way to Go, Challenge!rs!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: SharonA
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:45 PM

I took my two buns down to Meister Ulf
You know, that German with the guide-dog wolf.
He's got a fad now; I heard he paws behinds...

More later!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:32 PM

I've got a little behind with me work,
I've been slaving away like a Turk,
When I fondle each bum
I find what is to come,
Just a little behind with me work.

A little behind, I'll confess
but I'll quickly catch up, more or less.
put yourself in my hands,
and you'll soon understand.
we can both be a roaring success.

A little behind, or perhaps
You are one of those oversize chaps,
and it really don't matter
if you're thinner or fatter,
untold riches can fall in your laps.

A little behind and behold,
my hands hold a mystery untold,
I know what comes tomorrow,
so beg steal or borrow,
for a fortune in silver and gold.

A little behind or a lot,
For convention I don't give a jot
I can bring you good luck,
Or my name isn't Buck.
If you strike while the iron is still hot.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:22 PM

LOL, MMario!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:13 PM

HAMBURG/DERRY-AIRE

"Oh Heinrich lad, your fate, your fate is calling
From cheek to cheek, and down the gluteus
Both Medius and maximus are warning
'Tis true, 'tis true, whyever would I lie?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:00 PM

Well, somebody's gotta do that classic Beatles song:

"I Wanna Feel Your Can."

This would also be a good time for a parody of the Danny Boy parody "London Derriere." "Hamburg Derriere," maybe?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:49 PM

You must be coming at it from the wrong direction Alex.

oh my - did I actually type that?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:47 PM

Okay, I read everybody else's songs finally (I didn't want to be "influenced" -- silly, I know). Great stuff, everybody! Genie, you're a wizard, as always. Derrymacash, simply awe-inspiring! "Information overload," indeed! Mmario and DonD, very nice also!

I'm simply delighted the song challenge! is back. :)

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:39 PM

Tush
(think ZZ Top)

I been blind -- a long time
But my hands -- workin' fine
And I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

I can tell -- what's to come
Just by fee - ling your bum
And I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

So just take -- off your pants
It won't hurt -- take a chance
I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

Copyright ©2002 Alex E Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

(my but this is a hard one to put down. I mean, um...)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:34 PM

you people are all twisted! crazy! insane! bizarre! Must be why I like it here.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:25 PM

Well, Alex, you beat me to that song (I was thinking along the lines of "Put Your Can In The Hand Of The Man Who Feels Your Future"), but you done the song proud!

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:07 PM

Put Your Buns in the Hand

(Chorus – repeat after each verse)
Put your buns in the hand of the man who reads the future
Put your buns in the hand of the man who knows your past
He can fondle your bum and tell you what's to come, and he can't even see
So put your buns in the hands of the man from Ger-ma-nee.

My mama told me how to tell the future reading palms and tea leaves
But this crazy German man has a more exotic plan, and he believes
He can tell me all about me just by feeling the lines a-written on my butt
And his wife chaperones and insists upon her 10% cut.

(repeat chorus)

Every time I wanna know what the future holds I go to Hamburg
There's a man with two hands who can wax more poetical than Sandburg
Cos my flabby derriere can tell this man who doesn't stare what the future holds for me
But he has eleven fingers and I'm not quite sure how that can be

(repeat chorus interminably, and fade)

Copyright ©2002 Alex E Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:55 PM

Very appropriate, Alex--a butt-groping song that needs to be done with a scratcher! LOL!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Deda
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:54 PM

It's a delight to have Aine back! So glad you're feeling better. I'm at work so I'll have to sneak back later, if I have any luck. Oh boy, song challenge is back, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy....

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:42 PM

How about a folk rap?

Baby Got Tracks

I read your butts and I cannot lie
You other soothsayers can't deny
When a girl strips down below her waist
I can read her nether face
I feel lines in her cheek designs
Cos her future's in her butt
Take off the jeans you're wearing
I'm blind so I won't be staring
I just wanna read your futcha
I can feel from your patootcha
Whole life's written in these lines
It's like reading highway signs
...

I can't do any more. Sorry.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:20 PM

Weird. Gotta be the gremlins.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:17 PM

they had mutated Genie. They weren't apostrophes no more.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:10 PM

Now I notice that there are some "+" signs scattered thru my epic poem. A few days ago, the same thing happened, but with question marks. Now THAT is a mystery to me.

And, Mudself, when I look at my lyrics pre-post--the ones I cut and pasted--, all the apostrophes are there, just as it shows up here in the thread. Were they missing from the post?

I DID leave out the word "a" in the first line of the last verse ("...what a bill of goods you'd sell...).

Anyway, folks, computer gremlins do exist. I'm sure of it.

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 01:59 PM

MMario, I think you are referring to some occasions recently when I have composed the post using Netscape Composer and then cut and pasted it into the Mudcat thread.  If you do your composition in Composer, as Amos taught me, and then go to "Source View" and cut ONLY the text and paste that into the thread, all your formatting is preserved.  BUT--as I have learned the hard way--if you have included some of your own typed-in HTML code within your text it will show up in the post as if it were text, but slightly altered.  So if I want to do a blue clicky and want to use Composer, I put in the HTML code as usual, but after I paste the post into the thread--before I Submit it--I need to fix (retype) a couple of things in the HTML code that got changed in the cut and paste.

If that's too complicated to be palatable, all you need to know is that it's a software thing and I know how to avoid it--provided I'm paying attention when I'm cutting, pasting, and posting.

Genie

On the other hand, if you're talking about this:

§;- )

that's a self-portrait emoticon.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 01:33 PM

BRAVA! - but Genie - why are your post lately having all sorts of strange characters in them (versus the strange charactors you are speaking to..)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 01:28 PM

If You Could Read Behinds, Doc

New words by Genie;  tune:  by  Gordon Lightfoot

If you could read behinds, Doc, what a tale my tail would tell,
Just like an old fart moving, very gauche with a fishy smell.
In a passage dark, with its odor strong and your hands upon my seat,
You read its history.
Perhaps my fate will be revealed
As you survey my sweet posterity.

And if I show you mine, Doc, what a tale its warts could tell,
Just like a Rorschach ink blot in a bus stop toilet stall.
When you reach the part where the short hairs start, a gentleman, please be,
But a hero you need not.
You need not read my tush again,
Because my 'ending's' just too big to take.

I stand there bare like a porno star who gets groped in a three-way script.
Enter number two: your office nurse to view the scene--
She's videotaping all you 'see' in me--
Oh, for God's sake!  Let's get real!
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know why you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

If you could "read behinds," Doc, what a bill of goods you'd sell,
Just like an old-time movie 'bout a con with the ol' 3 shells.
In hospital gown with an open back and hands upon my seat,
I'm being told to bend.
And as you read my stretch-mark lines, you know, well, I'm
just tryin' to understand just where you got this knack.
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know were you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

apostrophes inserted and 'a' added by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 12:24 PM

How do you think I got to be the kinda girl that knows it ALL?

~S~

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 12:23 PM

Well, for starters:

By The Size Of Your Flabby Old Moon

words by Genie; tune: obvious

By the size
Of your flabby old moon,
I feel that soon
You'll be hearing love's old sweet tune,

A honeymoon
Will be coming in June.
Your stretch-marked beam
Reveals your dream
Will be coming true soon--
As I read by the moon,
 
 

and

If I could read your tail, love,
What a tale your tail could tell...

(to be continued)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 11:43 AM

Incredible, Don!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: DonD
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 11:27 AM

To the melody of 'Anacreon in Heaven"

Oh, say can you see?
No, I'm blind; pity me!
A new sense, though, I can claim
Which has gained me world fame!
If the tip of one finger
On bare ass cheek shall linger
All the future and past
I can read on your ass!
And each pimple and mole,
Or puckered brown hole,
Bring the truth shining bright
To my keen second sight.
Some may balk at the manner
I approach a ma-a-atter so gra-ave
But my reading would be clearer,
If your butt first you'd shave!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 09:30 AM

HAUL AWAY ULF!

When I was a little lad, or so Ulf Buck he told me
Way haul away, haul trousers down.
My future was both slim and drear
'tis writ on my pos-ter-i-er!
Way haul away! Haul trousers down!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

when I was a teenage lad, the spread was growing broader
Way haul away, haul trousers down.
Because I wasn't ignorant
And learned the things I oughta!
Way Haul away! Haul Trousers down!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

And when I reached a full man's years, my "future" was a giant
Way haul away - haul trousers down.
And Ulf said everything was fine
With fate it was compliant
Way haul away, Haul trousers down.

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

So when I started losing weight, and my behind it grew less-oh
Way haul away, haul trousers down
Everything was going wrong, my life is was a mess-oh!
Way haul away, haul trousers down.

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

But now I do not care at all , the size of my behind
Way haul away - haul trousers down
Don't ever trust the future sight
of a seer who is blind!
Way haul away - haul trousers down!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:54 AM

A skit on "The Cobbler's Daughter" as sung by Kate Rusby.

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER
I am a farmer's daughter and me arse is four-feet wide
Much fame attaches to my name on account of my backside
It's at the village pump
They gossip 'bout my rump
The most splendid rear that you have ever seen

I am a farmer's daughter, I'm broad around the hips
Some men aspire, and some admire, my praise is on their lips
But jealous of my size
Some women folk surmise
That I'd be more attractive if more lean

It's at the travelling circus, I met the German seer
The seer said the future's read from fondling the rear
He doesn't study palms
Instead he studies hams
From whose topography the future can be gleaned

Bend over dear he says to me and let me have a feel
For in the braille of your fair tail, the future is revealed
As his digits he applied
From shock he nearly died
From information overload, it seems

Here he found the future and there he found the past
The now and ever shall be in the contours of my ass
You are a unique case
A walking database
From now on my life's work your bum shall be

You're the oracle of Delphi, with pleasure then, he squealed
The more I mooned, he nearly swooned, as more knowledge I revealed
Each dimple and each crease
Each mole on my tailpiece
Some light upon the future shed a beam

Oh wed me said the seer and be my darling wife
And I shall live in ecstasy as long as I have life
Beside you in the bed
No man better-read
Nimble-fingered on your arse I'll be

The farmer's daughter's husband knows all there is to know
The answer to all questions is in my down-below
My buttocks are a wonder
Which nightly he does plunder
No couple live more happily than we

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:18 AM

A parody of "The German Clockwinder" – an oul' Dubliners' number.

THE GERMAN CLAIRVOYANT
A German clairvoyant to Dublin once came
Herr Doktor Ulf Buck was the oul' German's name
And as he was windin' his way down The Strand
He grabbed my bumcheeks in his prescient hands

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Your future, he says, it is hard for to tell
Unless your thick clothing you choose to dispel
For you can't read a book till you turn the first page
And unless you are stripped, then your life I can't gauge

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Don't fear for your honour, for I cannot see
I lost my sight at the young age of three
No ulterior motive, no lechy intent
I am a most noble, dispassionate gent

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

So into my lodgings, face down on my bed
My fine nether garments before him I shed
He poked and he prodded, he fumbled and felt
And me lyin' there in my natural pelt

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

I see in your future a row with your man
A laddy as muscled as Desperate Dan
And heavens above, the oul' future's not bright
For Herr Doktor Buck who has no gift of sight

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

And with that the door opened, and filling the frame
Stood my darling husband, Hugh Divney by name
With an oath and a curse he lit on Doktor Buck
And through the room window the Doktor he chucked

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Ah, wife Maryanne, ah, wife Maryanne
Why did you take in such an innocent man?
To fondle your arse and leave me on the shelf?
If your fortune needs telling, sure I'll tell it meself

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 12:57 AM

Áine, welcome back! Glad to hear you are on the mend.

Gotta give this one some thought. Don't wannna leap into the breach prematurely, y'know.

But what makes folks think that being blind would keep a guy from getting "a thrill from the buttock reading?" Isn't the lack of one sense supposed to intensify the others? ;-)

Anyway, Amos-- who is probably somewhere around Redding or the Bay Area by now -- will be delighted that you're back among the living. (See note at the Pacif. NW gathering thread.)

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 06:07 PM

OK, so it took me a while longer than a day to come up with this Challenge! (hehehe) . . . My PT really took a lot out of me; but, the good news is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm feeling much more hopeful about things. Enough of that, now. Let's get to the good stuff! Hope you all have your crayons sharpened and plenty of TP ready for this one -- I'm expecting great things from my darlin' Challenge!rs (as usual!). So, Go For It, Challenge!rs!!!

-- Áine (who's tickled to pieces that she can touch her toes again!!)

'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms.

Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read.

The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand. He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health.

Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker.

He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.