BS: Spoonerisms

Subject: Spoonerisms
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 07:56 PM

Having noticed a bit of thread creep in the malapropisms thread, I thought we should start a new one. I will kick off with some of the originals from Spooner himself:

'Sir, you have deliberately tasted two whole worms, you have hissed all my mystery lectures and have been caught fighting a liar in the quad, you will leave Oxford by the next town drain.'

'Gentlemen, let us glaze our arses to the queer dean'

On observing some undergrads boating on the river: 'Punts are not for kissing in' - no one was sure if he had it right that time.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: greg stephens
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:09 PM

what's the difference between a Radox bath and a drummer? One bucks up your feet...

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Deckman
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:35 PM

About 20 years ago, I worked with a man who spoke like this. It had to be some kind of a birth defect, but every single day, he spoke "spoonerisms!" I would hit the floor in laughter, and he would be offended. It took months, on my part, to realize that he was for real. These were not contrived jokes. He didn't know the difference. On the one hand it was somewhat sad (as he didn't get it) and on the other hand, it was really amusing! CHEERS, Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: aussiebloke
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 09:26 PM

I believe that the good Reverend Spooner was known to ride around Oxford on a 'well-boiled icicle'.

aussiebloke

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: kendall
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 09:38 PM

What's the difference between a whore with diarrhea, and an epileptic clam shucker?

the clam shucker shucks between fits.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: mack/misophist
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 12:38 AM

It is said that Rev Spooner hated services because he knew that most of the congregation had come to hear him say "The Lord is a shoving leopard".

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 12:46 AM

It actually started as one of those verbal dyslexia afflictions, Rev. Spooner wasn't the first, neither was it deliberate... he just happened to be documented best, so gave his name to it. It's an affliction just like Tourettes syndrome.

However, it does mean some exceedingly funny verbal clangers, like a wedding participant I heard thanking the assembled company for the delightful presents including a c*nteen of catlery.

Then there was the weather report on BBC Radio 4 which spoke of fog at Gatport Airwick.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Genie
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 01:57 AM

Well, on July 4th, Peter Jennings introduced "The Mormon Tabblenacker Choir" on live TV.

Rev. Spooner also referred to his loyal parishioners once as "Ye tons of soil."

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: JustWondering
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:37 AM

Muverly...lore please...

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:43 AM

bbc commentators: 'the gun carriage proceeds slowly down the mall, ahead of the royal arse hortillery!'

'the minister, sir stifford crapps!'

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: The Nfkfiddler
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:50 AM

Jasper Carrot recorded the "Bastity Celt" with lines like, "The billy old sarsted had yitted a fale" and "near fought mental gaiden I know a slackbmith"

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 04:33 AM

The difference between:
A bad archer and a constipated owl?
One shoots but never hits...

A costermonger (street trader) and a dog with no hind legs?
One bawls out his wares, the other has trouble walking

A Salvation Army chorister, and a nun in the bath?
] One has a soul full of hope

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: kendall
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 06:10 AM

An announcer on the BBC once said: "This is the British Broadcopping castration," (probably intentional)

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Deckman
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 07:16 AM

This thread reminds me of the line: "My twist was all tongued up around my eye tooth and I couldn't see what I was saying!" Cheers, Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 08:05 AM

A friend staggered in from the pub one night said, "Christ, I feel as nissed as a pucking fewt."

Brian

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Sooz(at work)
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 08:10 AM

Anyone heard the story of Rindicella and the sugly isters? The murds are wixed up all the way through!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,bagpuss
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 08:17 AM

I'll never forget the day Trevor MacDonald spoonerised the phrase "Kent countryside" on the national news!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Wolfgang
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 08:59 AM

Rindacella thread

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Snuffy
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 09:07 AM

Many a moggy has been renamed Cooking Fat by a returning drunk.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 10:44 AM

and one evening when i came home, my wife told me about our neighbours dog who'd got his head stuck in the 'flat cap!'

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 10:47 AM

Spooner would have had fun announcing "The Boars Head Carol" or ordering a pint of "Whitbread Tankard".

What's the difference between a costermonger and a dachshund ?
Answer: The costermonger bawls out his wares on the pavement.........

What's the difference between an acrobat and a whorehouse ?
Answer: The acrobat has alot of cunning stunts...........

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:17 PM

Ronnie Barker was a great one for portraying the Rev. Spooner. Used to have me in tits of fitters. Mind you it was as well he never asked for Champagne and Orange Juice...

Cheers

Nave the Dome

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Micca
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:30 PM

Dave, there is a wine graffito that goes
" Bucks Fizz a.m.
F**ks Bizz p.m.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 04:31 PM

I seem to recall an old chestnut, about the Rev. Spooner annnouncing the hymn, "The Conquering Kings, Their Kingdoms Come" as the "Kinkering Kongs, Their Condums Come."

I cannot complain, as I am afflicted the same way:

The poet, "Krudyard Ripling"

The mountain of Presidents, "Route Mushmore"

I've "Lowed the Mawn" and "Snuveled the Show"

In Vietnam I asked for a "Cammo and Asualty Report" and hollered "Fut the Wok" as a short round landed near our position. I have described "Cricking Cherpits" on a still night, and a "Mucking Fonster' on another night.

As for malapropisms, I will leave you with my description of a Spanish dance done with castanets as a "Spanish Fiasco".

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 05:33 PM

The forecast is for drain and rizzle ...

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 07:51 PM

What's the difference between a barmaid in the daytime and at night? In the daytime she's fair & buxom.

"According to usually reliable White Horse souses,..."

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Genie
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 12:39 AM

Q. What's the difference between really smart dwarf Africans and female joggers?

A. The Africans are cunning runts.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 04:15 AM

Then there was the compere who was sure he would have trouble introducing the works of Rimsky Korsakov, and went round all day muttering the name to get used to it.
Comes the big moment, and he's on stage, steeling himself, and announces:
"And now we have that great work by (pause) Rimsky Korsakov, The Bum of the Flyttle Bee"

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Bagpuss
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 05:59 AM

Mustn't forget the two of the seven dvarves that were called Dumpy and Gropey

Bagpuss

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Strollin' Johnny (at work - as usual)
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 09:45 AM

Sooz - I hope you know that JS has a copyright on Rindecella!

SJ

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Ian Darby
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 09:22 PM

"A Tale of Two Cities."

From 'Inside Mr Enderby' by Anthony Burgess. (Bless him.)

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,j-bone
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 02:54 AM

DUCK A SICK!!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Genie
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 05:11 AM

Then there's the story of the young man who was serving as an Episcopalian usher for the first time. He was supposed to courteously inform a lady that she was sitting in someone else's assigned pew and ask her if he could find her an alternative place to sit. He very nervously blurted out:

"Mardon me, Padam, but you're occupewing the wrong pie. May I sew you to a sheet in the cack of the birch?"

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Forty two
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 07:58 AM

I've a gouse and harden in the country An ace I call my plown A treat I can replace to When I beed to ne alone Wature here is nunderful There is no weed for nords While silling on my windowflutter Biny little tirds.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: MikeOQuinn
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 01:23 PM

One sunday, during a sermon on promicuity, the pastor at my church told us that we had to work to eliminate marriage outside of the sex relationship in our lives. The funniest part of it was that he never noticed. I was running sound, and nearly died laughing!

-Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: RangerSteve
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 04:20 PM

On my very first motor vehicle stop, I informed the driver that she went through a sop stine.

I also told a driver that his car had an inspired expection sticker. I don't stop people for that one anymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 05:01 PM

Spooner Rides Again

Winter's here with bracks and mollies
Fist and mog on ricey woads
Up the hills the litter grollies
Speak to shred their useful loads
Flannel cherries seem uncertain
Gauging rails have caused delay
Turn the heat up, draw the curtain,
Home, sweet home is best today.

Slow and sneet and poggy fatches;
Hip your deadlghts, choose your yoke.
Torn out wire too often catches
Winning spiels can be no joke
Do you KNOW your schooling kissed 'em
Haughty noses sometimes drip
Puggish slump and slapping piston
Might succumb to Arctic nip

Take your breasts and brave a shakedown
Watch for letter when it's wit
Lift your killer flap with caution
Bums from pobs might score a hit
Fullidge wherry closed this morning
Billy Visity is poor
Par carks full I give due warning
Do take care to dock your lore

As for windscreen bosher wattles
You may find these friends to tea
While, alas the normal throttles
Don't respond to tots of pee
You may meet the treason's stubble
Only if your rules are tight
Let your diligence rebubble;
Day in stores you'll be all right

By my late friend Ursula M Wadey

Failte....Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 05:15 PM

Well this probably on the wrong thread but what the heck. So I have been sat relaxing and listening to tonights prom which was Haydn's Creation and it set me thinking back to my time in an Abbey choir and then onto playing in orchestra's for choral societies. When the choir was rehersing for a performance of the Creation there is a part called 'The Heavens Are Telling' well when it came to sing the line 'displays the firmament' the junior choir started to sing 'dismissed her for a mint' well I have been chuckling about this for years. The movement which was also sung as an anthem in church services was then on known as 'The Mint Song'!!

cat

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Genie
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 06:28 PM

That's a hilarious spoonerism, MikeO. Gotta tell my (retired) preacher dad that one. LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 06:38 PM

Oh you filly sucker you.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: RangerSteve
Date: 21 Jul 02 - 10:27 AM

A few that I made up:

Fly-cleaning Druid

A couple of herbal teas from Celestial Seasons: Grandma's Mummy Tint, and Teepy Slime.

And from the song "Ramptown Cases" - "I met my bunny on the nob-tailed bag."

Trours yuly, Stranger Eve

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Genie
Date: 21 Jul 02 - 11:15 AM

Here's an older thread on Spoonerisms In Song.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Jul 02 - 03:25 PM

We learned it as Kinkering Congs their tattles tick....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: The Shambles
Date: 22 Jul 02 - 05:32 AM

TV presenter talking about a 'Hyperdeamic neerdle'!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,TC
Date: 22 Jul 02 - 05:52 AM

Sorry for thread drift.

Is there a term for changes such as:

'I'm going to throw my computers out of the window'

'You should throw Windows out of the computer'

Tommy

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 04:18 AM

an embarrassing moment for my fiend colin, who also produces 'folk orbit'[e-mail]

'As a teacher of Information Technology, my worst moment was when I was demonstrating to a class, full of boys and girls aged 14, some more advanced word processing techniques. They were all gathered around. I pointed at the little flashing line on the screen and referred to it as, the 'Cursing Flasher'. The class roared with laughter. They knew I meant 'Flashing Cursor', but it didn't stop me crawling into the woodwork where I spent the rest of the lesson.'

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Ralphie
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 05:29 AM

Oh please...
Can a BBC announcer get "The West Bank of the Jordan" wrong, just once for me??
(It's my surname, you understand!)
Cheers Ralphie
PS...Oh, Kendall.."The British Broadcorping Casteration" used to be a tape editing excersise when I first joined..Damned hard it was to do as well..

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 05:41 AM

ralfy,

w**k, i've never heard that surname before-have you thought of changing it?

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Ralphie
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 06:46 AM

Mr Happy...Quite proud of it really LOL..R

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Trevor
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 06:56 AM

Wasn't there a cartoon series called 'Missing Consonants'? I can remember being amused by them but the only one I can remember was a picture of 'A Late-Night Drinking Cub'!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Trevor
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 07:05 AM

Ha ha...Found some more;-
Jack & Jill went up the hill to etch a pail of water
Goldilocks and the three ears
Tinkle tinkle little star
If you're happy and you know it stop your feet

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 07:25 AM

trev,

and in the same vein- 'vauhall's plan to change to working an 18 hour shit pattern during the dispute'

liverpool echo

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Ralphie
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 08:10 AM

Trevor...Yes indeed "Lost Consonants" I think..
One of my favourites was of a young boy and girl throwing up in the back of a car whilst listening to Music on the Radio....The caption beneath read
On Long Journeys, Janet and John often suffered from Ravel sickness!
Still publised in a UK Sunday paper, I think
Cheers Ralphie

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Trevor
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 08:50 AM

Ever since their school days, Jim had been one of his closet chums
In the early days, Gershwin found it hard to sell his sons
In the re-enactment of The Little Big Horn, Bob wanted to be Cuter

More, more, more....!!

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 10:48 AM

The Lost Consonant wsa Atlantis, wasn't it? Or Lemuria (aka Mu--isn't that where Alley Oop lives?)

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: open mike
Date: 23 Aug 02 - 05:44 PM

how about mary engelbright's "life is a chair of bowlies"

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: GUEST,Wayne
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 10:55 AM

Isn't this all frack to brunt?

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mooh
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 11:42 AM

Given my dislike of malls and shopping in general, I've always enjoyed "Mall-Wart". It feems sitting.

Mease, Pooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Leeder
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 11:48 AM

Like Yogi Berra, I suspect that the Rev. Spooner never said everything he said. Nevertheless, it sounds credible that he'd announce the hymn "From Iceland's Greasy Mountains". I also heard that he rendered the geological term "erratic blocks" (boulders transferred far from their original location by the Ice Age) as "erotic blacks".

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 11:54 AM

Leeder: I assume you mean that Spooner didn't say everything which is attributed to him. To claim he "never said everything he said" leads us into a very tortuous subset of logical thinking.
I, for one, am prepared to accept that he said everything that he said.

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 11:58 AM

Leeder: and is it true that Yogi Berra was dubious about the attributions to the Rev. Spooner, I hadn't heard that!

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Gurney
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 06:25 AM

What's the difference between a Swiss admiral and a good vacuum cleaner? A good vacuum cleaner sucks and never fails! And a take on my real name. Mr. Crafarden. Chris Marden.

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 07:08 AM

teacher addressing noisy class, 'the next person who speaks is a fool!'

'now pay attention....!'

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: annamill
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 12:56 PM

This is going to be hard to convey...let's see...

My ex-husband came out of the bathroom one day with a bottle of "polish remover" with a quizzical expression on his face and asked me "What the hell is Pole-ish Remover?"

He was serious.

L.Annamill

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: Leeder
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 01:57 PM

Annamill, that's not properly a spoonerism, odd as it may be. It opens up a whole different fied of humour, as does Yogi Berra, Nigel, who wasn't known for spoonerisms, but for the kind of tortuous reasoning you point out so aptly (e.g., "It ain't over till it's over). But those should be a couple of different threads.

My friend's grandmother asked in a store for "Sock and Blackwell's cross-eyed salmon" (a bit obscure unless you know the Cross & Blackwell brand).

Subject: RE: BS: Spoonerisms
From: SlowAlan
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 10:30 AM

An Australian friend of mine once cried "Aargh I've been bitten on the funnel by a finger-web spider"