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Banjo Jokes

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Barbara Shaw 13 May 98 - 09:19 AM
Earl 13 May 98 - 09:22 AM
AnnieT 13 May 98 - 09:42 AM
Bill in Alabama 13 May 98 - 09:52 AM
Barbara Shaw 13 May 98 - 10:46 AM
Bill in Alabama 13 May 98 - 10:51 AM
Art Thieme 13 May 98 - 11:10 AM
Art Thieme 13 May 98 - 11:14 AM
Bob Schwarer 13 May 98 - 12:47 PM
Jon W. 13 May 98 - 01:25 PM
Nora 13 May 98 - 03:36 PM
Art Thieme 13 May 98 - 03:50 PM
Art Thieme 13 May 98 - 03:53 PM
Dale Rose 13 May 98 - 08:59 PM
Bill D 13 May 98 - 10:49 PM
Art Thieme 14 May 98 - 12:24 AM
steve t 14 May 98 - 01:25 AM
Barbara Shaw 14 May 98 - 08:03 AM
Nora 14 May 98 - 09:29 AM
Jon W. 14 May 98 - 10:16 AM
Mandocookie 14 May 98 - 11:28 AM
Barbara Shaw 14 May 98 - 11:51 AM
Allan C. 14 May 98 - 01:46 PM
Jon W. 14 May 98 - 04:39 PM
Barry Finn 14 May 98 - 06:06 PM
Art Thieme 14 May 98 - 09:30 PM
Cuilionn 14 May 98 - 11:15 PM
Art Thieme 14 May 98 - 11:41 PM
Art Thieme 14 May 98 - 11:43 PM
Barbara 15 May 98 - 01:15 AM
Barbara Shaw 15 May 98 - 08:48 AM
Fenian Blade 15 May 98 - 08:58 PM
Fenian Blade 15 May 98 - 09:09 PM
aldus 22 May 98 - 10:40 AM
Barbara Shaw 22 May 98 - 11:53 AM
Bob Schwarer 22 May 98 - 12:19 PM
Barbara Shaw 22 May 98 - 12:34 PM
Old Timer 22 May 98 - 02:46 PM
23 May 98 - 07:12 PM
Barbara Shaw 26 May 98 - 04:43 PM
phinque 30 May 98 - 05:16 PM
gene g 01 Jun 98 - 04:18 PM
Barbara Shaw 09 Sep 98 - 04:26 PM
Paul 11 Sep 98 - 12:45 PM
Big Mick 12 Sep 98 - 12:51 AM
Dan 12 Sep 98 - 02:18 PM
Lil Dog Turpy 12 Feb 04 - 12:48 PM
Blackcatter 12 Feb 04 - 01:19 PM
Bob Hitchcock 12 Feb 04 - 01:29 PM
s & r 12 Feb 04 - 03:57 PM
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Subject: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 13 May 98 - 09:19 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Why do you suppose banjos and banjo players are the butt of jokes in acoustic circles? I have several theories, being a banjo-wife. In fact, I sometimes think banjos ARE the joke. (I've noticed in classical circles, the violas are usually the scapegoat). After considering forming a banjo-wife support group (those of you who live with a banjo will understand the problem and be familiar with the disease), I decided to start a thread to air my favorite (latest) banjo jokes.

The man drove to the store and left his banjo exposed on the back seat while he ran in. Knew he shouldn't have done it. Sure enough, when he got back to the car he discovered that someone had broken in and left two more.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Earl
Date: 13 May 98 - 09:22 AM

What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson?

You can tune a Harley.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: AnnieT
Date: 13 May 98 - 09:42 AM

Q: You're driving down the road and you see an accordion and a banjo in the middle of your lane. Which one do you run over first?

A: The accordion. Business before pleasure.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Bill in Alabama
Date: 13 May 98 - 09:52 AM

I don't mean to sound grumpy, folks, but we went through all this between June and September of '97. Somehow, they're just not as funny the second time around.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 13 May 98 - 10:46 AM

I must have discovered Mudcat after that. Please point me to the thread. Are you a banjo player?


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Bill in Alabama
Date: 13 May 98 - 10:51 AM

Barbara:

Go to the forum search and search the Subject "Musician Humor." As I recall, there are some sites mentioned which list large collections of music-related humor.

Yes, I am a banjo player, mostly, although I dabble in fiddle, mandolin, guitar, and assorted other instruments as well.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 13 May 98 - 11:10 AM

A fellow goes into an antique shop. He looks at everything, but he falls in love with, and buys, a little stuffed rat. He pays for it and walks out of the store.

Before he's walked a block he noticed a few rats walking behind him. After a mile every rat in the city is in line behind him---millions of rats!! He heads toward the river thinking it must be the little rat he bought that's somehow causing this. He throws the rat into the river and all of the rats jump right in after it! "Whew, I got out of that pretty easy."

He heads back to the antique shop. The clerk asks hi, "Sir, is there something I can do to help you?"

The fellow answers, "Yes, you wouldn't possibly have a little stuffed ----- ------, would you?"

(YOU FILL IN THE INSTRUMENT---lawyer or whatever!)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 13 May 98 - 11:14 AM

A fellow goes into an antique shop. He looks at everything, but he falls in love with, and buys, a little stuffed rat. He pays for it and walks out of the store.

Before he's walked a block he noticed a few rats walking behind him. After a mile every rat in the city is in line behind him---millions of rats!! He heads toward the river thinking it must be the little rat he bought that's somehow causing this. He throws the rat into the river and all of the rats jump right in after it! "Whew, I got out of that pretty easy."

He heads back to the antique shop. The clerk asks hi, "Sir, is there something I can do to help you?"

The fellow answers, "Yes, you wouldn't possibly have a little stuffed ----- ------, would you?"

(YOU FILL IN THE INSTRUMENT---lawyer or whatever!)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Bob Schwarer
Date: 13 May 98 - 12:47 PM

How many banjo players does it take to eat a possum?

Two. One to eat and one to watch out for cars.

Bob S.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Jon W.
Date: 13 May 98 - 01:25 PM

Banjos do have a lot more comedic potential than guitars--just listen to the opening line of "Flint Hill Special." Also for a number of years after the minstrel period and before the rise of bluegrass, only comedians played banjos (A good number still do - Steve Martin and Kevin Nealon for example). That said, here's another old one:

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You're supposed to take of your shoes before you jump up and down on a trampoline.

Jon W. (Aspiring banjo player)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Nora
Date: 13 May 98 - 03:36 PM

This isn't actually a joke, it's a true story. No really.

My friend Bob is a classical guitarist and he's been been dreaming about guitars lately. Not very surprising, really, but he thought he'd look in the dream dictionary to see what it meant. The entry read as follows:

"Guitar. See banjo."

He didn't have the heart to look.

Nora


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 13 May 98 - 03:50 PM

basic definition (no joke) Banjo=a drum with strings. guitar=a box with strings.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 13 May 98 - 03:53 PM

HEY, did anybody notice that today Friday the 13th comes on a Wednesday???

On a banjo frets are just speed bumps!

Art


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Dale Rose
Date: 13 May 98 - 08:59 PM

My understanding is that banjo jokes are needed because the banjo requires a lot more tuning than most instruments. In my experience, the jokes are usually told by the fiddler (who practically never tunes) to while away the time while the guitar player helps the banjo player tune. That way the audience hardly notices that everything has ground to a halt while the banjo player tries to get somewhere close to the key that everyone else is playing in. Perhaps Bill or Art (or any other banjo player) could expound on the technical aspects of why this is so. I have my theories gleaned from some of the banjo players that I know, but I certainly would not venture to put them in print with so many banjo players around who know a lot more than I do about it.

Here is a banjo player's joke. What is the difference between a fiddle and a kazoo? ~~ You don't need a bow to make funny noises on a kazoo.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 13 May 98 - 10:49 PM

So a banjo player, an accordian player, and a violist were walking along the beach, when they found a bottle washed up on the shore...they popped the cork and a genie came out, looked at them and said.."well, I suppose I have to grant each of you a wish"....not wanting to miss THIS opportunity, they confered among themselves about what to wish for. And it turned out that what they all wanted was more respect! So they told the Genie that they all had the same wish, and looked at him expectantly....

and the Genie said."..............

*grin*...YOU finish the joke...


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 May 98 - 12:24 AM

..and the Genie said, "I plan to give you all the respect you deserve, but answer me this; why does the fifth string on a banjo only go half way up the neck??"

The banjo player piped right up with, "In the old days when they used possum guts for strings one possum was only good for four and a half strings! Now ya know."


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: steve t
Date: 14 May 98 - 01:25 AM

The canonical list of banjo jokes can be found at:
http://www.wsnet.com/~phil/banjokes.html

But in case the site is busy, here are my two favorites:

What's the quickest way to properly tune a banjo?
Wire cutters.

How do you tell different banjo tunes apart?
By their names.

Regarding viola players, what I've heard is that there are so MANY great violinists competing for places in symphonies these days, that some give up and take up a less competitive instrument, very similar to the violin -- the viola. Hence, viola players are often thought of as failed violinists.

How do you get three viola players to play in tune?
You shoot two of them.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 14 May 98 - 08:03 AM

The guy walked into a music store and said, "I'd like a set of new strings for this banjo."

"Sure," said the clerk. "That's a fair trade."


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Nora
Date: 14 May 98 - 09:29 AM


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Jon W.
Date: 14 May 98 - 10:16 AM

Dale's comments on tuning are interesting. I'm a beginning banjo player and have been for a couple or three years. Compared to guitar, the banjo is a little less stable, but I think the real reason for all the retuning is that banjos are tuned to what on guitar would be called an open tuning (that is, the open strings make a chord if played all together). This means that to play in different keys, the banjo either has to be tuned to a different chord or it has to be capoed, which also results in some minor tuning adjustments needing to be made. So while I tune my banjo, perhaps you can read this viola joke:

A conductor was rehearsing a symphony orchestra when a viola player suddenly screamed, jumped up, and started thrashing the brass player behind her with her bow. The conductor reprimands her severely and asks "what is the reason for this unprofessional conduct?" She says, "This guy reached over and turned one of my tuning pegs!" The conductor says, "Well turn it back and let's get on with the rehearsal." She says, "I would but he won't tell me which one he turned!"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Mandocookie
Date: 14 May 98 - 11:28 AM

Question: How do you know a banjo player sitting level? Ans: The juice comes out both sides of his mouth.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 14 May 98 - 11:51 AM

Regarding Jon W's comments, my husband uses open G tuning a lot, but also C tuning and a few others for different sounds. He plays in different keys while in any of those tunings, but sometimes uses a capo to move to a more familiar position for certain songs.

Banjo players also have been known to attempt retuning in mid song. I think there is a hearing impediment that develops from being so close to the banjo, which causes some players to retune often, whether it needs it or not. Or at least, I'm not hindered with such a fine ear that can notice the difference!


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Allan C.
Date: 14 May 98 - 01:46 PM

No joke here. I just wanted to say that one of my favorite "devices" used by some of the more excellent banjo pickers is the business of using the tuning as part of the piece (song) they are playing. No particular tune comes to mind but I am sure you have heard what I'm talking about.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Jon W.
Date: 14 May 98 - 04:39 PM

The classic Earl Scruggs tune in which he retunes the strings as an ear catching device is the one I mentioned earlier, "Flint Hill Special." He actually developed some hardware mounted on his peghead for retuning on the fly. Now there are more sophisticated tuners available for accomplishing the same thing.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barry Finn
Date: 14 May 98 - 06:06 PM

Recently, just to my south (Boston) there was quite a row caused by a group of international terrorists, they kipnapped 4 very well known banjo players & were demanding a 2 million dollar ransom, if the demands weren't met within the hour they were going to release them on the public. Barry


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 May 98 - 09:30 PM

Last week, in Yellowstone, there was another bear attack! An international tour group was hiking on the back trails and 2 of 'em, who had fallen in love, a banjo playing guy from Czechoslovakia and a guitar playing gal from New Jersey got away from the others for a while. After two days of searching for them they did find their camp all tore up and everything strewn around the mountainside. While they were going through all the stuff, a female griz. showed up with her cub and some of the search party got between the mother bear and young one which made the bear attack. The bear had to be killed. When they cut open the bear's belly they found the guitar playing girl. Then her mate showed up and they had to kill him too. They didn't bother to look for the banjo player because they knew the Czech was in the male!

Art


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Cuilionn
Date: 14 May 98 - 11:15 PM

At the Anchorage Folk Festival (Alaska, that is) the traditional second-to-last act was "H. Ross Banjo" and his compatriots. The lead fellow told banjo jokes and did an excellent impersonation of Ross Perot in between songs. There must have been about thirteen (yes, that number sounds right) folks on stage, and I swear every one of them had a distinctly different kind of banjo. You should have heard their thirteen-part rendition of "Dueling Banjos." Right up there with Vogon Poetry, it was, but I rather liked it. Now that most of my time is spent near Seattle, the banjo jokes seem to have been transformed into jokes about bodhran players, i.e. Q: "What do you call a bodhran player with a beeper" A: "Optimistic."

Gabh spòrs,

--Cuilionn


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 May 98 - 11:41 PM

use search engine for INSTRUMENT JOKES or MUSICAL INSTRUMENT JOKES!

There are jokes there for every instrument!!

sO, tHIS BANJO PLAYER GOES INTO A BAR. hE YELLS, "aNYBODY HERE GOT A GREAT DANE OUTSIDE?" "yEAH, WHY?" Guy says, "My little poodle just killed your great dane; got stuck in his throat!"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 May 98 - 11:43 PM

A banjo player says, "Take my wife, please!"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara
Date: 15 May 98 - 01:15 AM

You tired of banjo jokes, Art?
here's one for Cuilionn:
I hear there's a parody of "There's a Hole in the Bucket, Dear Liza..." which begins, "My beater is broken, Dear Maddie"... and goes through "then fix it, dear Willie...with what shall I fix it... with a nail... now there's a hole in my bodhran." END.
Barbara


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 15 May 98 - 08:48 AM

You can tell where the pink flamingoes live by all the banjo players on their front lawn.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Fenian Blade
Date: 15 May 98 - 08:58 PM

Ceasfire!!!! What Ceasfire?????


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Fenian Blade
Date: 15 May 98 - 09:09 PM

Eeks! Amazing what a few pints can do for your spelling!! Ceasefire....(It has an E!)


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: aldus
Date: 22 May 98 - 10:40 AM

A skunk and a banjo player were out walkinh one night when both with hit by a car.Why is that sad ? The skunk was on his way to a gig.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 22 May 98 - 11:53 AM

What do banjo players use for birth control?

Their personality.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Bob Schwarer
Date: 22 May 98 - 12:19 PM

What's the difference between a banjo player and a terrorist?

You can deal with a terrorist.

Bob S.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 22 May 98 - 12:34 PM

My husband actually walked into a room where people were watching TV, strapped into his banjo, and stood there playing away, completely unaware that people had been listening to the audio portion of the television program! No, really.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Old Timer
Date: 22 May 98 - 02:46 PM

Here is one I read recently:

A fellow worked as a Banjo player in a whorehouse. He reassured his mother by telling her he was the piano player.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From:
Date: 23 May 98 - 07:12 PM

Banjo was invented as an I.U.D. for Catherine the Great !


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 26 May 98 - 04:43 PM

What did the banjo player get on his IQ test?

Drool.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: phinque
Date: 30 May 98 - 05:16 PM

What do you call a banjo player who broke up with his girl friend? .........Homeless

How do you get the BJ player off your porch?.... Pay for the pizza.

What has 16 legs and four teeth?....The front row at a banjo convention.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: gene g
Date: 01 Jun 98 - 04:18 PM

I bought a banjo the other day and dropped to to chat with a friend on the upper east side (NY). Suddenly, I realized that I had left the banjo on the front seat of my car in Manhatten. I rushed outside and sure enough, the front window to my car was busted in. . .

And there were two banjos there. .


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 09 Sep 98 - 04:26 PM

The All-Banjo Band got a gig at the local VFW hall for New Year's Eve. They played their hearts out all night, and at the end of the night the manager came up to them and said, "You guys were great. We'd like to have you come back again next New Year's Eve."

"Hey, that's great, said the leader of the banjo band. Can we just leave all our stuff here?"


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Paul
Date: 11 Sep 98 - 12:45 PM

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

You can't help but cry if you have to cut up an onion.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Big Mick
Date: 12 Sep 98 - 12:51 AM

What do you call someone who likes to hang out with musicians? A Banjo player.

The definition of a Gentleman? Someone who can play the Banjo--------And doesn't!

Hey Art, the Czech's in the male. Gawd but that is awful!!! I am adding it to my repertoire immediately.

Mick


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Dan
Date: 12 Sep 98 - 02:18 PM

How do you know that it's a banjo player knocking at the door? He keeps going faster and faster, and doesn't know when to come in.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Lil Dog Turpy
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 12:48 PM

The reference to excessive tuning of Banjos brought to mind the old standard

Do you know how to tune a hurdy gurdy?

No one else does either.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 01:19 PM

Good lord,

Why isn't this thread closed!

And now - starting jokes about hurdy gurdys! Sheesh.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 01:29 PM

Do you know the one phrase you never hear in a recording studio?

Is that the Banjo player's Porsche parked outside.


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Subject: RE: Banjo Jokes
From: s & r
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 03:57 PM

Very interesting thread - banjo's tend to go out of tune easier than guitars because vellum is more susceptible to atmospheric changes than wood.

we had a lad come along for lessons on his new banjo - we spent an hour with him showing him how to tune up and an open G chord - then made an appointment for the following week for another lesson, He didn't turn up the next week but did the following week when he apologized for missing his lesson the previous week because he had been playing it at a gig!


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