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Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday

The DeanMeister 10 Sep 02 - 08:51 AM
GUEST,Oakley 10 Sep 02 - 10:30 AM
smallpiper 10 Sep 02 - 07:48 PM
GUEST,a lurker 10 Sep 02 - 09:49 PM
dodgy bird 11 Sep 02 - 04:21 AM
GUEST,oakley 11 Sep 02 - 04:24 AM
ossonflags 11 Sep 02 - 04:39 AM
specky 11 Sep 02 - 06:51 AM
ossonflags 11 Sep 02 - 07:21 AM
GUEST,Concerned of Huddersfield 11 Sep 02 - 08:03 AM
ossonflags 11 Sep 02 - 11:20 AM
Sir Roger de Beverley 12 Sep 02 - 04:09 AM
GUEST 12 Sep 02 - 08:44 AM
Sir Roger de Beverley 12 Sep 02 - 09:10 AM
ossonflags 12 Sep 02 - 11:06 AM
GUEST,Oakley 12 Sep 02 - 11:24 AM
GUEST,Concerned of Huddersfield 12 Sep 02 - 11:32 AM
Little Hawk 12 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM
specky 12 Sep 02 - 01:16 PM
GUEST,john from hull 12 Sep 02 - 03:40 PM
Noreen 12 Sep 02 - 06:22 PM
Banjo-Flower 12 Sep 02 - 07:38 PM
Oaklet 12 Sep 02 - 07:53 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones of Twillingsgate 12 Sep 02 - 09:38 PM
Oaklet 13 Sep 02 - 03:02 AM
Skipjack K8 13 Sep 02 - 05:24 AM
GUEST,Oakley 13 Sep 02 - 05:36 AM
The DeanMeister 13 Sep 02 - 07:10 AM
ossonflags 13 Sep 02 - 09:55 AM
specky 13 Sep 02 - 10:43 AM
GUEST,Worried of Wakefield 13 Sep 02 - 11:45 AM
Banjo-Flower 13 Sep 02 - 03:39 PM
Willa 13 Sep 02 - 04:02 PM
GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones of Twillingsgate 13 Sep 02 - 07:25 PM
smallpiper 13 Sep 02 - 09:09 PM
Oaklet 14 Sep 02 - 12:30 AM
ossonflags 14 Sep 02 - 01:47 AM
Oaklet 14 Sep 02 - 01:48 AM
Banjo-Flower 14 Sep 02 - 07:39 AM
The DeanMeister 14 Sep 02 - 09:07 AM
Oaklet 14 Sep 02 - 09:15 AM
The DeanMeister 14 Sep 02 - 09:22 AM
Noreen 16 Sep 02 - 07:15 PM
GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge 17 Sep 02 - 12:56 AM
GUEST,Oakley 17 Sep 02 - 05:41 AM
ossonflags 18 Sep 02 - 05:36 AM
GUEST,Oakley 18 Sep 02 - 06:50 AM
GUEST,Miss "Q" 18 Sep 02 - 01:05 PM
Oaklet 18 Sep 02 - 01:28 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 18 Sep 02 - 01:40 PM
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Subject: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 10 Sep 02 - 08:51 AM

Hellllooooooo people!!!!! The equine pugilists will be consuming 9bear9 at the Forester's Arms, Beckside, Beverley this coming Thursday, 12th Sept. If we can still stand, then music may follow from nine pm onwards.

Brother Oakley will be there, having recovered from his 120mph launch off Skidby Hill on Sunday. Comrade Ossonflags, we are hoping, will have returned from overseas destination unknown in one piece. I myself am planning a fearless stage diving expedition at about 10.45, assisted by Oakley style pyrotechnics. Mr Watson will be catching me from the far side of the room. I hope. Depends on how many bear9's the prettiest Bar Manager in Yorkshire has supplied him with during the evening. If not, am counting on landing on dodgy bird.

Be there, folks!! Hope to see you, and take an aerial photograph for the Mudcat library.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 10 Sep 02 - 10:30 AM

I am planning to be there. What about joing me and Skipjack at the 14th century coaching inn - The Sloop - in Barton tonight? A good run through for the scratch ceilidh on Saturday. Oh, and remind me that I have sume fireworks and KY jelly for your display on Thursday.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: smallpiper
Date: 10 Sep 02 - 07:48 PM

More shamless self promotion tut tut

(may be there, may not, who knows)


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,a lurker
Date: 10 Sep 02 - 09:49 PM

Somebody explain the origin of "punch the horse"? I'm sure it's a numnuts question, but clue me in?


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: dodgy bird
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 04:21 AM

thanks for the warning pete, if i remember i'll bring the landing mat!


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,oakley
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 04:24 AM

Ossonflags will give you chapter and verse on this once Mrs Ossonflags has finished with him in mainland Europe. The (now notorious) Irish band "Punch the Horse" takes its name from one of a pair of horses, employed to deliver milk in the Cottingham (a few miles north of Hull) area when things were in black and white. Hope that's enough for now. By the way, lurker, are you local?


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 04:39 AM

Hoping to be there. Me, Mrs. Ossonflags the Robe and Dennis have just returned safely from the unknown destination (Amsterdam) Excellant weekend, but every time we went for a coffee people kept offering me strange tasting roll up cigarettes that gave me a sense of well being, a tendancy to giggle and call every body man. I find now I have a strange liking for the music of a chap called Bob Marley.

Lurker,the explanation of " Punch The Horse"is quite simple.many moons ago when we got our first paying gig we did not have a name as such. Jon Smith who played with us at the time had a penchant for telling long convoluted stories.The upshot of one of these was that he knew a milkman in Cottingjham who had two horses. One was called Judy and the other clled Punch.Johns son had a band at that time who were also looking for a name,and was going to use the name "Punch The horse" one of the band did not like the name so it was discarded. I thought it suited us,the rest is history. Out of the original line up at the time I am the only original member left but the name carries on.

Nowt wrong with shameless self promotion.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: specky
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 06:51 AM

way to go ossonflags self promotion is good for the soul..............will see u thursday at the forresters..........cool night i guess?


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 07:21 AM

Thanks ,Specky,I can safely say Thurday promises to be one of the cooooooooooooolist.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Concerned of Huddersfield
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 08:03 AM

Ossencarriage ...........you're back,........ did you have a good time, to whence did the good lady whisk you, somewhere exotic or even erotic. Unfortunately I will be working late on Thursday got to repatch computers etc and move people around so I don't know what time I'll finish. I'd like to get across .......but there again it's not Easter yet


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 11:20 AM

concerned nick,

as you can see from above it was erotic/exotic amsterdam.

going up to whitby sometime in november might see you then.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Sir Roger de Beverley
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 04:09 AM

Having just returned from my hols in time for the Sun session on Tuesday (packed out!), I'll be at the Foresters to see the lads tonight and to distribute some publicity material for the charity event on the 22nd(see separate thread).

R


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 08:44 AM

How does one find the Foresters, not knowing the lay-out of Beverley apart from the Minster


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Sir Roger de Beverley
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 09:10 AM

On the same road as the Minster follow the sign(away from the town centre) for Hull walking along with the Sun Inn on your left and you will come to the Foresters at the head of Beverley Beck. Landmarks along the way include Hodgsons pub on the right, the army museum on the left and the Mariners arms again on the right and eventually reaching the Foresters on the left about half to three quarters of a mile from the Minster.

R


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 11:06 AM

oakers,loved the phrase notorious p the h.

Talking on the subject of self promotion,have just recieved your understated message on caras new cd.

In the words of the late great Bob Marley "you'll do for me maaaan,innit? "


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 11:24 AM

Ossonflags, did you perchance, bring back any specialist smoking materials from the Netherlands?


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Concerned of Huddersfield
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 11:32 AM

Ossenvenger, I should be a tad more cautious when welcoming phrases such as the Notorious P the H, according to my, albeit limited, knowledge of English (as she is spoke)Notorious can translate to flagrant, arrant, stark staring, or pronounced. Alternatively it can be deemed to signify shocking, outrageous, scrubby, dirty or even ignominious. I am sure the goodlady Ossenvenger would be mortified to be associated with such dastardly "praise"


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM

Precisely. Best to tread warily in these tender if soporific times.

- LH


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: specky
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 01:16 PM

got my camera ready for deany boy doing his acrobatics wow can hardly wait if hes half as good as the coooooooooolest singer, should be veryyyyyyyyyyy good exhibition? and i hope oakley has his best suit on again!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,john from hull
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 03:40 PM

i will sea yoo their.john


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Noreen
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 06:22 PM

Hey, welcome back there jOhn!

Have you met Oakley?

Sireen


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 07:38 PM

Hi Oakleaf did you get the job?

Gerry


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Oaklet
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 07:53 PM

Hi Gerry,

Not yet. One of the perils of trying to create your own job I'm afraid. I am too arrogant to apply for pre-owned jobs apparently. Got word this afternoon that the thing is going ahead to a final meeting between a UK company and a French company. If they can agree who pays then Bingo! I should be in clover for months until they find out.

I met Mr Chadwick at the Sloop on Tuesday. A fine gentleman, that there Doug.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones of Twillingsgate
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 09:38 PM

Oakley...

I feel it is best that I advise you to stay strictly away from Twillingsgate AND Ms Penelope Rutledge. The lady is under my personal protection, and I will thrash you within an inch of your miserable life if you bother her in any way whatsoever.

I captained the boxing team in my senior year, and I am fit as a fiddle. You will not be the first yobbo that I have trounced, I can assure you.

It will not be the horse who gets punched my friend, but the horse's hind end, if you have the very bad judgement to show your loutish face around Twillingsgate.

You have my word upon that, sir.

Yours faithfully,

Winston Wellington-Jones


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Oaklet
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:02 AM

Winston Wellington-Jones, please be advised that I am, without question, in the initial stages of a pilgrimage to Twillingsgate and when I arrive I will personally seek you out, wrestle you to the floor and smear home-made plum jam into your spats. Sir, you are a fat idiot and it would not surpise me if your fedora smells of stale yoghourt. I have met your type before. It would be an honour to pit my cheerleading skills against your ancient boxing skills; prepare for humiliation, you finch-rearing maggot.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 05:24 AM

Let me have him, David. Let me take your part, and endure the long march to battle, so I can burst this stuffed shirt, heave your memsahib across my broad shoulder, and carry her to you. There aren't many polygamous wives that go out totty-hunting for their man, but you, David, you are no ordinary man......


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 05:36 AM

You see, Winston Wellington-Jones, you threaten me with your handbells, whicker baskets and topiary shears, and you enrage my wife. Skipjack, I am touched deeply by your continuing support. I have made you a another jar of bloater paste in your honour.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 07:10 AM

Morning chaps!! Forester's was a pleasant evening, but Mudcat needs to know about Oakleaf's outragious mandolin antics. In order to prevent diabolical feedback problems, David had to play a set of tunes and two songs whilst standing with his back to the audience and the band, huddled behind a set of heavy curtains whilst looking out the window into the car park. It was one of the funniest moments in the history of PTH in my humble opinion. All you could see was a big lump in the curtain, and Oakleaf's fine legs poking out the bottom, as the strains of his mandolin came mysteriously from the PA system. I was in fits of giggles. I have since learned that the only way he managed to stay in time was by looking at Mr Watson's and my reflection in the window pane, through a small crack in the curtains!!!! Thank you for making my evening complete, David.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 09:55 AM

Excellant anecdote deany!!! twas on a par with a certain guitar player mistaking the barked order of "last chorus" with "last orders" an easy mistake considering it was twenty past ten and last orders is elevan.Hope specky did not notice.Nice to find out who you were so cooool person.O and bye the bye john, was nice to see you there,hope to see you at Marlborough Club next friday.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: specky
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 10:43 AM

nope didnt notice ossonflags hehe.........was a great night and u were in fine voice as per usual only cloud on the horizon was no smallpiper "sigh" oh well drank lots of that funny water with alcohol in it good on you lads was a coooooooool evening xxxx


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Worried of Wakefield
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 11:45 AM

Ossentottenshotten-by-the-sea, What chance you of being in the fair town of Whitby this weekend. Mr Butler of your acquaintance is holding his annual Onion fiddling day on Sunday and mine complete with large lead weights inserted are certain of a winners trophy. The Mackeral are running, last week I was throwing the buggers back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:39 PM

Oakleaf did you drivel a nice pirate song to Mr Chadwick? apparently he's looking for one{see separate thread titled help looking for pirate song} and i'm sure you'd be able to point him in the right direction

Gerry


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Willa
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 04:02 PM

Oakley, Fear not, W W-J is clearly a cad and an imposter; any true gentleman would have signed off as 'Your most obedient servant'


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones of Twillingsgate
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 07:25 PM

Oakley - You impertinent, mealy-mouthed swine, you are in for a nasty surprise. What do you take me for? A fool? Or some doddering septegenarian pugilist reveling in the memories of his squandered youth? I don't wear spats, I wear the best Italian shoes, and I am 27 years old and trained to perfection. By heaven, sir, I shall give you a thumping you will never forget! I now see that I am dealing not only with a ruffian and a braggart, but a man in the grip of an obsessive complex. It is a good thing that Ms Rutledge, whose hallowed name is sullied by the mere utterance of your profane lips...or the stroke of your poison pen, did well to alert me to your delusions of romantic adventure.

Come to Twillingsgate then, come. I shall be waiting... Ask for me at the Vicar's Inn, and be sure all your affairs are in order.

Winston Wellington-Jones


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: smallpiper
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 09:09 PM

My dear Master wellington-Jones Desist at once! These inane threats towards our very dear friend and servant, Oakley, are really quiet ungentlemanly. One shall have to call upon the services of the Houshold Division (undercover washing up brigade aka the Scourge of the Cabadians) to defend our interests and our dear subject Okaleaf. This is a royal comand yours rulingly The Queen PS I signed on using the cookie of my loyal friend,smallpiper - so don't get any smart ideas okay!


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Oaklet
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 12:30 AM

My dear Mr. Winston Wellington-Jones of Twillingsgate,

I care not if your shoes are Italian, nor for the number of your years, nor for the fact that you are a sycophantic, posturing fop. Your anxiety about losing the affections of the wonderful Ms Penelope Ruttledge are well - founded, sir. You might be clad in velvet, and have impressively long collars - and even a cravate. But sir, you are a prat. And shortly to become a prat with a bloody nose and a tearful yearning for his mummy.

Your humble savant,

Oakley


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 01:47 AM

Thanks for kind offer,Nick. Would have been nice to hvae done some mackeral murdering and drinking sume bear with you. Unfortunatly Mr.Watson and myself are doing some rehearsing for our new CD.

P the h are extrmley busy at the moment,but hope to be up at the witters sometime in november,will keep you posted.

Give my best to John and Rosie and all those in the Endeavour Red eyed formation drinking team.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Oaklet
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 01:48 AM

Hi Banjo-Flower, I will write a pirate song entitled "Bannannaas on the Spanish (Quarter) Main" for our good friend Doug, and pass it on with love. I might get away with it, but only by the skin of my banjo. How is the rash, by the way?


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 07:39 AM

Thanks for your concern about the rash Oakleaf i am now treating it by drinking pints of Old Peculier, with luck it should take years to clear

Gerry


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 09:07 AM

Gentlemen, and ladies, your attention is drawn to new thread entitled "Nellies Session to be moved"


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Oaklet
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 09:15 AM

Where is it? As if I don't have enough difficulties with that hyphenated bounder and his hauntingly beautiful (if a little severe) charge. Now I find that the Nellies session is to be moved and my aerial is pointing in the wrong direction to pick up the relevant thread.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 09:22 AM

The thread has arrived. Need responses soon plese.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Noreen
Date: 16 Sep 02 - 07:15 PM

Nellies Session to be moved


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 12:56 AM

Oakley, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am nobody's "charge"! I am an independent woman in charge of her own affairs. (Furthermore, I may appear "severe" to some, but that is only due to my deep and abiding loyalty to what I know is right, good, and true.)

In the meantime I must say that I am really becoming quite exasperated with you gentlemen, both of you! You assume too much.

Now, Winston means well in his own way, but he has simply gone overboard on this whole situation since that remark you made about his "mummy". Good lord, the man is in a proper fury! I fear he may do himself or someone else an injury. He broke a perfectly good piece of bone china the other day by slamming his fist down on the table, and I have advised him to curb his emotions on this matter and act sensibly, at least in my presence. He also apparently broke his computer keyboard, and he is certainly NOT going to use mine! Accordingly, he has not posted here in response to your last remarks of 14th September.

He does little, in fact, but sit around with his "mates" at the Vicar's Inn, consume inordinate amounts of port and stout, and mutter darkly about the pummeling he intends to give you...and they, lot of fools that they are, egg him on of course, due to the fact that they are simply bored and at loose ends.

Well, it's all getting quite silly, isn't it? I suppose I should not have taken such umbrage over what I now see is merely the name of a band, albeit a band that plays rather...common music...but I haven't actually heard it, so I shall not cast further aspersions on it. That wouldn't be fair.

I see that you have a strong romantic bent, and that is in a sense admirable, as long as it is accompanied by a measure of mature judgement and restraint.

Now if you and Winston insist on wasting your energies threatening and sparring with one another, well, that is your lookout. I would regret being the indirect cause of any injurious incident, but if you are both bound and determined to behave like jealous schoolboys on a rampage...then I will have to wash my hands of the whole matter.

I think you should either commit yourself to the life and music you are familiar and comfortable with or else consider taking a whole new look at things. In the latter case, I recommend exposure to good British literature (the classics) and chamber or orchestral music of the finer sort. You can take a man out of England, but you can't take England out of the man, not if he is born to it, and that remains the hope and strength of this nation, come what may, globalization and the Common Market notwithstanding.

I feel sometimes that I was born in the wrong century, goodness knows, but one must persevere and not become discouraged. I look forward to better days, and a renewal of what made this country great.

Ms Penelope Rutledge


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 17 Sep 02 - 05:41 AM

I have just written "Ms Penelope Rutledge" on my pencil -case, again. I was going to cut my ear off, but ended up shaving my arse out of devotion to you, my love. Some day we will be finally together, drinking strong lager and committing petty crimes in Twillingsate. I know this, because your post reeks of love for the poor smitten, smooth-arsed, hairy farmer.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: ossonflags
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 05:36 AM

Oaks,now you have shaved your arse does it smell any sweeter?


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 06:50 AM

Arse stubble is not comfortable, but well worth it. Ossonflags, All I can say is it wasn't me fuelling the botty whiffs ceilidh on Saturday. And it was not me who had to apply the silver sugar-tongs before I could remove me trousers.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: GUEST,Miss "Q"
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 01:05 PM

This from the gossip column of the Twillingsgate Herald on Wednesday, Sept 18, 2002, afternoon edition... DONNYBROOK AT VICAR'S INN

An altercation erupted unexpectedly last night at the Vicar's Inn, involving several well-known local gentlemen and a sheep farmer and his companions who were passing through Twillingsgate. The farmer, Mr. Arthur Jessop, is an enthusiast of wooden period ship models, and had heard that there was a fine one on display at the Inn. Accordingly, Mr. Jessop and his companions, two cousins (William Stroud and Peter Stroud), and a friend of the Jessop family, Mr."Skippy" Stanford De Vine (a machinist), stopped off at the Inn on their way through Twillingsgate and entered the main dining room.

Mr. Jessop describes what happened next.

"Well, we was (sic) lookin' around at all the fine furnishin's, what wif this was a very fine inn I might say, and right genteel it was, and I seen (sic) the ship up there on the mantle, and she was a beauty! The Justinian, she be, wot was in Nelson's fleet, and so I'm admiring the model when up steps this gentleman, wif a nasty and superior attitude, and 'e says to me' 'e says "Oak Leaf, I presume?" I fink that's wot 'e said..Oak Leaf..."

"Wot?" says I.

"I told you wot would 'appen if you showed your ugly face around 'ere," 'e says.

"Wot the bleedin' ............ are you on about?" says I.

"I'll show you what I'm on about, you stupid sod," says 'e and wif that 'e pops me one! Right in the chops. Well, I seen it comin', so 'e only 'alf caught me cheek, but down I goes anyway. I's up right quick and sees that Skippy's got 'im by the froat. Then three other toffs they jumps on Skippy and William, Peter and me we jumps on them and away she goes! It was a right nasty fight, I'm tellin' you, and I don't know where it might 'ave ended, but along comes the local constabulary and arrests the lot of us, and there it is. I do not intend to visit Twillingsgate again and I am going to sue that pretentious bugger and 'is lunatic friends for damages. 'E ought to be incarcerated!"

Well, dear readers, all of Twillingsgate is agog at the news, since the gentleman who started the brouhaha is none other than Winston Wellington-Jones, well known and eligible man about town, and a member in good standing of the boxing club, the polo club, and the golf club. Teddy Featherstone, Randolph Muggeridge, and George Clydesworth IIIrd were also involved in the scuffle, taking the side of Wellington-Jones, and they are likewise members of the aforementioned polo and golf clubs, but not the boxing club. All had been drinking and talking for several hours prior to the incident, but had not caused any disturbance until after Mr. Jessop and his companions entered the Inn.

Wellington-Jones has refused to comment on the incident except to say "There appears to have been a mistake made here. I have nothing more to say."

Now, it is well known that Mr. Wellington-Jones has been nursing a grievance against one "Oakley", a mysterious secret admirer of Twillingsgate's very own doppelganger of the young Audrey Hepburn, Ms. Penelope Rutledge. Ms. Rutledge seems to have caught the attention of this Oakley (presumably a psuedonym) while participating in an internet discussion forum.

Friends of Ms. Rutledge, who must remain nameless, claim that Oakley has fallen madly in love with her. Well, he wouldn't be the first, would he?

Miss J- "He's mad about her! He swears he is coming on a pilgrimage to Twillingsgate, and Winston has been manning the battlements, as it were, expecting his imminent arrival. It's all very exciting!"

Miss T- "I think Penelope is actually rather taken with Oakley, though she won't admit it. Of course, he is beneath her station, that is clear, but I believe she is curious at the very least!"

Miss H- "She was quite flushed after reading his last message on the computer! She says he is of no importance whatsoever to her, but I think it's quite the other way around!"

(The above initials in no way resemble the actual names of our informants, naturally...)

Our efforts to interview Ms. Rutledge have proven fruitless thus far, as she will not comment on the matter. Ms. Rutledge is of course well known to our readers as the living, breathing apotheoisis of good taste, morality, and all that is upright and proper... Yes, the very pride of Twillingsgate, needless to say. She is today hosting a meeting of local ladies in the Green Room at the library, seeking to raise funds for homeless dogs, cats, and canaries. Attendance is expected to be good, and we shall be there, dear readers, pen in hand, ready to report on any further revelations.

It looks like the autumn season in Twillingsgate just may be a little warmer than usual this year!

- Pruella Tattle, Twillingsgate Herald


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Oaklet
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 01:28 PM

Miss Q, you are a star. I now feel ashamed to read about shaven-arse, botty whiffs have trousers immediately before that beautiful post.

I now need to speak to Miss T on a matter of considerable importance. Be still, my beating heart.


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Subject: RE: Punch the Horse at Foresters Thursday
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 01:40 PM

hElllo I went to the pinch the horse gig last thursday, it was really nice, they was wearing funny hats as well, 9Mick was wearing a bob marley rasta-man hat, and the one with the squeezy keybored had a bilding mans hat, made from bear cans) and Oaklet was hiding behind ythe curtuns, but he wasent wearing a hat, Micks wife 9I forgot her name ) took sume photos , so maybe they will send some to mudcat.john


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