(John) Hardly Hints - Friendly Guitar Tips

Subject: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:12 AM

Well,

Perhaps it's the confusion over who is (was) or isn't (wasn't) Mr (Dr) Guitar...

...or maybe it's just 'cause I'm full of BS. But now I'm getting these letters! Am I the only one getting this mail?!

Mr Hardly,

I heard you were soliciting helpful musical hints. Here's one of my faves!

How to get an errant pick dislodged from the interior of your guitar.

1. If you have the presence of mind to use only floating picks the solution is quite simple;

Using a carpenter's square, a plumb bob, and a level, make sure that the top of the guitar is perfectly level and that the pick is directly beneath the sound hole. Then simply fill the soundhole with water and the pick will rise to the top. From here it's a simple matter of finding something suitable (for me latex gloves afford the best grip) with which to grab the errant pick. If you didn't have the forethought to use picks that would float,

2. And this has worked well for me. You will need a 1" wood chisel, a dentist's mirror (you know, those mirrors on a little shaft) and a flex-arm flashlight. Using the mirror and the flex-arm light, locate the wooden obstructions that are all over the underside of the top of your guitar---these are called "braces". Once you have located these braces, firmly force the sharp end of the chisel under each brace and with a twisting motion, pop the braces, one at a time off of the bottom side of the guitar top. You may find that it will require some reaching in the sound hole to break off bits of the bracing that may remain behind as a continuing obstruction, but the beauty of this method of pick retrieval----it's permanent! Now, with all that lumber removed, and the path cleared, simply turn the guitar over. Once the pick has landed on the top you need merely slide it around until, voila', it drops cleanly from the hole!

Sincerely,
Snap-on Craftsman

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:14 AM

Hey Hardly!

I heer tell you got sum question regardin' heppful hints an' geetar tips.

Ma literate friend, Ed here, said if'n I'd dicktate to 'im, he'd send ya my idea. I said "Hell Ed, I don't need no dick taters. I'm amply endowed by my creator and don't need no paddin', in ma swimsuit er otherwize!" You can imagine my embarrasment when ol' Ed says he juss meant that he'd a-type whilst I did the talkin'.

Anyways, I consider myseff sumwhat of a inventor an' I'm always looking fer new ideas.

Y'know how geetar players are always lookin' fer some new way ta make their new geetars sound like they's all broke in an all? Heck, I tried me that gimmick where'n I strapped the geetar to a stereo speeker reel tight-like an' blasted the hell into that spruce top. Trouble was, ma stereo ended up bein' tuned to some damn hoytie-toytie NPR station when I left it. Hell, I'm a cultured guy. I like a monster truck rally as much as the next guy, but fer about a month I couldn't make no good music come outta that there geetar—all it wanted to play was some Chitty Chopin if'n you git m' drift.

So I'z drivin 'round town with ma dog Hank Bob----he's a sheep dog and I like sheep too (around rural Indiana we calls 'em "the gentle spee-shees") so's I named him after me. I mostly calls him "Petey" though, cause it gets real embarrasin' when folks is callin' "Hey Hank Bob!!" and neither of us knows which one of us should answer.

Anyways, Iz drivin' with Petey and we both got our heads hangin' out the roll-down window (or where the roll-down windows'd be if'n I hadn't broke em out when I locked myself in the truck without m' damn keys!), an I git to noticin' how Petey's cheeks just a-git ta flappin' an' viber-atin' agin his tooth an' gums. Well, a light goes off in my head like the ignition of a hunnerd flatulances all simultaneous!

So heer's my tip;

Take the geetar which top you want broke in. Roll up yer truck windows so's they clamp right on yer geetar's neck at about the tenth fret, holdin' it snug-like with the body outside an' the tuners inside. Ya may wanna pad the neck at the window with a towel or sumthin' so's ya don't scratch the finish of the geetar. Then tie the headstock to the passenger seat (or in my case, the old porch chair I bolted in there for Petey) with some heavy sisal rope---somethin what's coarse an' got some bite in it….ya don't want that geetar slippin'!

Then haul yer ass down the road!!

If my calculations are right you should git a year's age fer every 10 mile over 60 mph's. A word of caution; You may find that the bracing in some of yer sissy booteek geetars like Santa Cruz and Goodall won't hold up very well to the impact of a street sign or mailbox so ya might shade a bit to the middle of the road! On the other hand, Petey an' me strapped in a Rainsong th'other day and they ain't a single damn mailbox left in the en-tar neighborhood!!!

Damn right we had fun…Petey's still smilin' over that'n.

Yer's drooly,
Hank Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:16 AM

Dear Mr Hardly

I have heard through the internet grapevine that you are soliciting helpful hints for guitar lovers. Have I got one for you!

My son Jimmy came home last week with an awful eyesore of a guitar that he said was built way back in the 1930's. Well that poor guitar had certainly seen better days---it looked as though it had been through a war!

I'm sure that, back when it was a decent guitar and worth something it might have been quite attractive, though certainly a bit gaudier than a good Lutheran such as myself would like---what with that pearl-like trim ALL THE WAY AROUND THE TOP AND SOUND HOLE! My!

Anyway, yes, I was embarrassed for my Jimmy. But he seemed so proud that I kept my little mouth zipped tightly and just said "That's nice, Jimmy." Seems Jimmy has wanted a guitar by this Mr Martin fellow for more than 30 years now!

Well, when Jimmy went to bed, I carefully sneeked into his room and got the guitar. I quietly took it down to my workshop---I'm a tole painter you see. I do folk tole and Norwegian rosemaling.

Well you should have seen that sorry old guitar when I got done with it! One base coat of powder blue Krylon, and flowers all around the sound hole and up and down the neck. (I did a beautiful job if I do say so myself! Sorry, Lord) So, in short, you too can make an old guitar BETTER THAN NEW again! Just a little carefully applied paint---remember to keep that spray can moving….don't want any drips!---an you too can have the guitar of your dreams!

Sincerely,
Mrs Marv Olsen

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:18 AM

Brother Hardly,

1. If thou, or those in thine midst, dost have in thine possession, such guitar as will not well tune and is possessed by the demon of dissonance,
2. And if thou, or those whom thou dost know, dost have one, yea, two guitars, the likes of which do stubbornly as an ass, refuse to yield when barring an F chord, and are possessed with this demon of insubordination,
3. And if, through the course of innocent handling of one's guitar, one doth still carelessly inflict upon its surface…a ding…or a scratch, and the guitar acquireth thereby a demon of imperfection,
4. Verily I say unto thee, let him who hath need, bring forth the guitar to my door and I shall in no wise cast him away.
5. I shalt, instead, take the guitar with the offending demon, and I wilt cast out the demon that the guitar may be restored to its original innocence.
6. And Brother Hardly, if thou dost again lose thine plectrum in the midst of thine guitar's body----send the guitar to me. I will cast that wayward pick from the bowels of thine guitar!

Reverently,
Brother Ed Zorsist.

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:21 AM

Dear Mr Hardly,

My recipe for improved, more comfortable thumb-pickin'

If you take;

1 large National thumbpick
a pair of tin snips
an emory board

Take the National thumbpick and with the tin snips, cut away anything that is curved away from the original plane of the picking surface (this may also be done by bending the pick back and forth until the actual picking surface breaks free of what we refer to as the "tourniquet" portion of the National thumbpick).

With the emory board, sand smooth any surface made rough by the tin snips (or bending).

Now you have a pick that you can actually pluck the string on the upstroke without causing your thumb permanent tendon damage!

A side benefit to this is that, with the blood now able to return to the tip of your thumb (for the first time in years) you may actually be able to grow a thumb nail again!

The downside? You now need to heed the many tips on pick removal mentioned above....

Happy Pickin" F. Latin Piquin

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:28 AM

Bravo! I hope people will respond in kind this time. I'll work one up for later on.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 11:31 AM

These would be SO FUNNY told from stage at a gig!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: allanwill
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM

Verily - I would like to nominate Mr Hardly for thread of the year.

Allan

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: C-flat
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 01:28 PM

A handy tip for those of us who enjoy getting together for the occasional "accoustic jam" but who often find themselves struggling to be heard in the cacophony of bigger bodied instruments;
Quite simply add an extra soundhole to your guitar!
Mark out a circle (I find scribing around a teaplate works) on the front of the instrument, start off by drilling a hole, just large enough to accomodate a jigsaw blade, then, using the jigsaw, cut out the marked area.
Using this method you can easily double the output of your guitar and whatsmore, you have an attractive coaster to rest your coffee mug on!
Why stop there? I hear you ask!
Well you're quite right,
Every hole you add to your guitar is letting more sound out!
So what are you waiting for?..............Get those power tools out!
Good Luck!
Brian Less.

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 01:39 PM

Hey Brian Less,

...but if you add too many sound holes (not that I'm doubting your premise ;^) ), won't you eventually have no instrument?

...and if I may extrapolate the logic...

...does that mean that the new "non-instrument" would be incredibly LOUD?!

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: C-flat
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 01:51 PM

Precisely! John,
Instead of limiting the capacity of the guitar to the confines of the soundbox you can use the whole room to ring out loud!
You should see some of those young fellows on M.T.V. playing tiny little strips of wood, what a noise they make, I can tell you!

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 02:11 PM

MUCH easier to tote around too!

Why not cut a hole or two in the case too, easier for people to drop in a few pennies when you are busking.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: C-flat
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 05:04 PM

This fellow seems to have got the right idea!

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 05:57 PM

AND it's an eggbeater for a Mudcat Gathering brekkie!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 21 Sep 02 - 09:41 PM

El sr. Hardly,

¡El flamenco es atroz!

Amo jugarlo pero es duro.. ¡...But duramente no más largo!

Yo ahora conecto mi ROTOPICK TM a taladro variable de la velocidad.

¡Automáticamente juego a flamenco con el mejor de ellos!

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 03:16 AM

Not to mention if you use different sized holes, you have a handy spaghetti measure.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 09:08 AM

Hey there!

Do you like the look of a cutaway guitar......but don't really need the extra access?

Using a protractor and pencil, outline the arch where the "cutaway" should be (just under the neck where it meets the body).

Now, with brushable, flat black rustoleum, paint the "cutaway". Like magic, you will see this section of the guitar "disappear"!

Paint inside the lines now! (you don't want that cutaway to look sloppy, do you?)

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 01:15 PM

I've come up with a suitable tip for managing those slippery picks!

I found an old, very large, disused kitchen table. With elmer's two-part, 5 minute bonding epoxy I glued a large Clayton to the table's edge. After waiting the appropriate 5 minutes I found that, with a series of rapid knee bends I was able to strum the guitar with hardly a change in the quality of my playing. It also freed my right hand so I can keep a firm hold on my beer can.

Later experimentation showed me that I could, in fact, glue a series of picks into vertical slots carefully cut into the tables edge (I fit a series of 74 picks into the length of the table's edge). This project barely took 5 1/2 hours (and like every other project I've ever undertaken--took every tool I owned before it was finished).

I can now walk the length of the table, back and forth, and it sounds even better than that "Strum rose" I bought for $2.95.

I'd appreciate the courtesy of your keeping these tips secret at least until I can apply for the patent.

I'm now working on an equally simple solution for my fingerpicks.

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 01:17 PM

For you gear-minded types...the table is walnut. I'm experimenting with other tonewoods including, but not limited to "smartwoods" (still haven't found one of those trees--seems they out-fox me every time I go looking for them), koa, and a new tonewood Martin's been experimenting with called "X"

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 01:23 PM

Do you have one of those revolving tie racks? Bond the fingerpicks to the hooks on one of those babies, fix it up to the fan motor and you got yourself a pickin' machine!!

Means you can scratch your ass and not shred your jockeys.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 01:24 PM

bracing? we don't need no steenking bracing...we make 'em inflatable!

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: JenEllen
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 02:13 PM

Jaysus, John.... Been sniffin' that glaze again, have ya? LMAO You got yourself a winner here.
yerJen

Subject: RE: BS: Hardly Hints (at all)
From: John Hardly
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 02:35 PM

Ovation Guitar: how to reattach top?

Oh, oh, oh......wait! I know the answer to this one too!

...I saw it at a "home party" once...

First you go all the way around the top, pressing down as you go.

When you come to the very last inch or two that's not pressed down...
...bend that small section of the top upward.

Now, with your other hand, press down in the center of the top until you hear the "burp" of air escape from inside the mostly sealed guitar.

Then, as quickly as you can, press the remaining top down. This should create a nice, air-tight seal. You can keep refrigerated vegatables fresh therein for weeks!!

Subject: RE: (John) Hardly Hints - Friendly Guitar Tips
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Jan 03 - 05:42 PM

refresh

Subject: RE: (John) Hardly Hints - Friendly Guitar Tips
From: Ebbie
Date: 08 Jan 03 - 06:47 PM

Once a month we hold a Kids Beginning Bluegrass class at a local church hall.   One of the kids has an Ovation. I'm going to try to burp it.