Ask Dr. Guitar

Subject: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 08:46 AM

Dear Patients,

Since Mr Hardly's thread

Mr. Hardly's thread has grown so, and to facilitate matters for those with slower equipment, all cases will now be transferred to this thread where of course I will strive to deal with your many and varied problems.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 08:50 AM

Oh dear..!

...has grown so large and to faciliate matters for those with less able equipment

Mr. Hrdly's thread

has been transferred here where I will continue to do my best to help those in need on a fee-free and confidential basis!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Hugh Jarse
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:04 AM

Hi, I'm Italian and i have recently purchased my first guitar. In my "tune a day" book it states - " learners may find it easier to play with a capo" The word "capo" in Italian means boss or head of department! It is comforting to know that our Captains of industry far from being mercenary money grabbing automatons will take the time to enjoy playing music with their minions. Arrivederci H.Jarse

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:08 AM

Dear Guest Richie,

What I believe you must do is to coax this particular mouse out as the scraping is more than likely due to a hairy ball. I agree with you entirely, the inside of a guitar is indeed like a parallel universe and it may be difficult to find your mouse there. One possible solution may be to procure a woodworm and cause it to produce a wormhole into this alternative universe. This will enable your trapped mouse to escape back into this universe.

Once thus retrieved, your hairy mouse may be treated humanely (I can do this for you for a small fee) and replaced by a cordless optical mouse. This mouse has no moving parts to cause those annoying scraping noises nor any trailing cord to become entangled in your strings. I believe this will provide a permanent solution to your problem.

P.S. The wormhole will require to be closed after treatment to prevent the sucking in disappearance of any other IT equipment, household items, pets or loved ones into the vast emptiness that is the parallel universe of the guitar's interior.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:17 AM

Ooops, posted in error to the old thread - note to self, hit the "Update" button every once in a while. However,

Dear Dr. Guitar

Miss Othermossie assures me that she has no hidden agenda, and assures me that I was born to play a bdohran bodranh hodbrain thing.

If I may tender some advice to other correspondents who may be thinking of hanging their guitar on a wall, there is some sort of iron bar running down the neck of the one I have. To avoid making sparks and ruining drill bits when drilling the hole through the neck for a large screw, you should use a tungsten carbide masonry bit for the next quarter inch after you first hit resistance. You can use a chamfer or countersunk bit to tidy up the hole in the front of the neck, although be careful not to foul the strings when drilling with this oversize bit, as these can pull away from the bottom of the guitar, and the little white chess pawn which is down there flies off and you can never find it afterwards, and the string itself flails around and leaves marks on your clothing and anything else. Fortunately, I did this drilling on a work bench, and I wear glasses anyway.

Amos (Quito), who normally does any handiwork I need doing, said that he wouldn't touch this procedure "with a bargepole". Is a bargepole a musical expression, or some accessory I should have purchased with the guitar ?

Yours,

Robin Banks

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:22 AM

Dear Mr Jordan,

Dear Mr. Guitar,

You do know that music makes no sense?

My case:

1. 12 notes = 7 letters. So rather than having A-L we add Sharps and Flats.

2. F.....um........no sharp? Is that even fair?

3. B gets a flat?

I may sue.

Any defense?

Ham Jordan

You are quite right and indeed this was a subject discussed at some length in my esteemed colleague, Professor Schaller-Gotoh's, excellent treatise "The Ill-Tempered Luthier".

In his work the good Professor also questions and analyses this problem. Apparently the new notation, involving these nonsensical "sharps" and "flats" evolved because of bowing problems with violinists (sometimes referred to as "fiddlers" in this worthy Forum"). Apparently some of these unfortunates were accused of not knowing their As from their L bow which caused offence in some cases. This led to the development of the rather unfair system that has become ubiquitous today.

Knowing that, in folk circles, sharps and flats are not at all popular, I can provide you at minimal cost with a suitable sharps container for their safe disposal and a small repair kit to treat the flats.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:48 AM

Dear Mr A. Nuss,

It could very well be that the front of your guitar displays the "Willie's guitar" syndrome described by Guest Richie in the previous thread while the back of your guitar displays a fine piece of highly figured Brazilian rosewood or perhaps bird's-eye or curly maple. If this is indeed the case then I would be inclined to recommend that you thank your audience for their impeccable taste and not worry about a problem that does not really exist. Unless of course you do not like the extra "Willie" soundhole, in which case either myself or my esteemed colleague, Dr O.M. Dreadnought should be able to help you.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:06 AM

Dear Mr P. Nuss,

Do not let the loss of two fingers deter you and let Mr D.Reinhardt's success be your guiding light!

Regarding your groin troubles, there are two possible solutions. One is to reverse the way you hold your axe so that the sharp part is held aloft. Whilst useful for practice purposes, this may have the undesirable effect of unnerving your audience when you reach the stage of performing in public.

A second solution, which may be ultimately more successful, takes account of your previous vocation as a lumberjack and has the benefit that you will be able to enjoy a relaxing holiday in sunny climes as well. This involves travelling with your axe (which obviously should go as checked-in baggage to comply with international aviation requirements) to the Antilles. There you should seek out a Lignum Vitae tree Guaiacum officinale and try to cut it down. As lignum vitae is one of the densest woods known, your axe will quickly become blunted in a most satisfactory manner comfortable to your private person, and the tree itself should suffer little or no damage.

One possible drawback is that Guaiacum offininale is now a protected species and that, if caught, you could face a stiff penalty or prison sentence.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:17 AM

Dear Mr Hugh Jarse,

Pleased to help Mr Jarse! By the way I have never met an Italian called Hugh before...do you also have some Welsh ancestry?

Yes, you are right, it is pleasing that, in our capitalist society, our senior managers are increasing prepared to mentor us in pursuit of our favourite hobbies! However, you only have part of the picture. The full name is Capo Destra. This means that your mentor must not only be a captain of industry but must be right-wing as well. Experience suggests that this should not be too much of a problem in practice but I feel a responsibility to provide you with all necessary details.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:32 AM

Dear Robin Banks,

I believe the correct spelling is i 'dohbran although I stand to be corrected on this.

No, you don't need to worry, you need not purchase a bargepole. A bargepole is, in fact, the precision instrument that Mr Amos Quito used to fashion the "jack socket" in your guitar and it is also possible, given his level of expertise, that he used it also in the fashioning of your cutaway.

I am so pleased to hear that you have mounted your guitar successfully on your wall despite the presence of the annoying metal rod. You are very wise to have taken the precaution of wearing glasses to protect your eyes.

Your displayed instrument must indeed be a joy to you and a source of inspiration to all!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:38 AM

Dear Bus Toured,

It is indeed gratifying to hear that, in these days of failing values, there are still some decent old-fashioned music shops where witty rapport, good humour, service and a good deal are still prevalent.

Thank you for drawing this to our readers' attention!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Peter Doff
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:52 AM

Greetings and felicitations. I need help in tracing an (apparently)well known tune called "that bloody thing somewhere else". I have been a performing musician for many a year but i have never come across it before! It is important for me to learn it as i am requested to play it at every single show i do! other members of my discerning public continually ask me to "put a sock in it" of course i was most pleased to oblige, but now i find that besides my guitar having lost it's timbre - i have terminal chilblains.

yours P.Doff

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:58 AM

Dearest Ebbie,

I have been continuing to think about you and your social exclusion a lot in recent days. In a very dusty and neglected part of my library I found the attached. I believe that, by not looking at this, your condition will be cured completely and your fingers will automatically go to the right places.

N.B. Most important. WARNING. A website for Ebbie NOT to look at

I hope that this provides a complete and permanent cure!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 11:36 AM

Dear Mr P. Doff,

I myself have, by a very strange coincidence, also been asked many times to play that very same piece. Although seemingly popular, searches for it in the DT have proved fruitless although it is possible Masato Sakurai or Malcolm Douglas may have the answer readily to hand. The only references on the internet I have found to it have been sporting ones such as to kick (or throw) that "bloody thing somewhere else". I am assuming, therefore, that it is a sporting song of some type and hope that our more athletic type contributors may be able to help. I have also heard the phrase "point that bloody thing somewhere else" in several Westerns and in soem TV police shows, so it is also possible that it is a "cowboy song" or perhaps an old "outlaw ballad". A search of the EFDSS and Bodleian resources. "That bloody thing" has a distinctly Australian ring to it to my ears and perhaps one of our Australian experts may be able to help.

Regarding the sock, there is no reason why you should endure physical injury or damage for your art, so I would recommend removing the said item of apparel from your guitar and placing once again on your foot. In all probability, that particular member of the audience was probably short-sighted and mistook your guitar for a banjo where use of a sock is not only commonplace but often recommended.

For these various reasons, I personally have long since desisted from performing requests.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ann grie
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:05 PM

Dear sir. Its about time these so-called guitar makers got their act together, i mean for goodness sake can't any of them manage to make a guitar without leaving a blood great gaping round hole in the front! bloody bad craftsmanship i say! just think how much valuable music can leak out whilst one is playing, not to mention one could easily lose a sock or even a small fridge into the gaping chasm therein. REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bad show! Ann Grie, nee Ger.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,T.Watt
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM

I was looking for my two acoustic guitars the other day, i searched the house from top to bottom and still couldn't find them. Imagine my relief when my psychiatrist pointed them out to me - i had put them on my feet thinking they were my SLIPPERS by mistake! oh how we chortled. There has to be a moral here somewhere? T.W

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Justin Arthur-Dumas
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 01:30 PM

Dr. Dr. Guitar,

As you were so helpful to my sister Anne Arthur-Dumas in the other thread, I thought maybe you could provide a little luthiery advice.

I would dearly love to have an acoustic bass of some type, but my current financial solution precludes my being able to purchase one. A friend recently showed be a very nice acoustic bass guitar that he had built for very little money. This has led me to consider the possibility of building one for myself.

Now, I have heard of a type of bass referred to in the Southeastern U.S. as a "doghouse bass". I have an old doghouse out in the shed-house left over from before old Buford got hit by that truck. It is one of those plastic igloo-looking type things that they sell at Wal-Mart. Would this be suitable for building a doghouse bass? I'm thinking that a nice one made from cedar or cypress shakes would be more attractive, but, hey, I'm one of those guys that doesn't care what it looks like as long as it sounds good. Do you think it would sound as good?

Also, do you have any suggestions for how to attach the two-by-four to the doghouse?

Thank You,

Justin Arthur-Dumas

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ima Dumas
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 04:29 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

My question is about time signatures. I understand that a reel is in 4/4 time, which means that there are four quarter notes in each measure. That makes perfect sense as four quarters makes one whole. My question has to do with Irish slip jigs. Slip jigs are in 9/8 time, which means that there are nine eighth notes in each measure. Now, from what I learned about fractions way back in elementary school, that is patently impossible! Eight eighth notes would make a whole measure. Nine eighth notes makes a whole measure with one eighth note left over What happens to all those extra eighth notes? Do they just disappear? Do they hang around and raise their ugly little heads in the guise of those little off-tempo "hiccups" that fiddlers love but that drive rhythm guitarists crazy?

Patiently awaiting your response,

Ima Dumas

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Al Urker
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 05:31 PM

I was surfing by when i noted the question posed by Justin, I was myself once cast into the doldrums being as he - impecunious. It was indeed most fortunate twas' the doldrums i was cast into, as when i finally made my way to the shore i found that several large fish had found their way into my clothing. As a musician i immediately saw the value of he aforementioned fish as, how can i say - organic instruments. I found to my delight that subsequent to careful drying the aforementioned fish, upon being blown (in the manner of a euphonium) produced a rich and wholesome deep resonant note. Upon returning to civilisation i was reliably informed that these particular fish were indeed ... "BASS" I think the moral here is not to destroy any of your house to manufacture an instrument: go fishing instead!

fin

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 02:16 AM

Dr. Guitar, I did NOT look at that site. For that matter, once before I didn't look at that site. You're just like all the rest.

Alona

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Richard Head
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 05:04 AM

There is perhaps nothing to compliment the tranquility of a balmy summer's day than the crack of willow upon leather, I refer to Jeffrey archers head being hit with a Fender Telecaster. D. Head

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 09:12 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I wonder whether your correspondent, Ms. Ann Grie (nee Ger) has not got the wrong end of the stick. My good friend (and amateur luthier extraordinaire) Amos Quito, tells me he once attended a concert where the lead singer was playing a guitar with a name like, "Round of Applause" or "Standing Ovation", which was clearly unfinished, as it had no hole in the front.

Clearly, this poor presentation was detracting from the overall enjoyment value of the concert, so during the interval, he wandered round the back of the stage and remedied this deficiency with his handy cordless saw.

He was unable to speak to the singer to discuss his work, as some sort of argument broke out when the players returned to the stage, and the second half of the concert was cancelled. He tells me he is unable to discuss this incident further, as there is a Court Case pending, and sone lawyer has told him to say nothing, or "reserve his defence", as he puts it.

However, he has offered to perform the same service to the owners of several "resonator" guitars, as he feels that those big metal grilles or shields must be muffling the sound. The owners have refused, probably on sentimental grounds.

On the matters we have previously discussed, I have been unable to obtain a brothdan handboth Irish drum or whatever it is; when I try and pronounce it to music shop assistants, they seem to look baffled. I am however, practicing with a temporary version which I made from an old dustbin lid. My neighbours clearly enjoy the noise this makes, as they thump on the walls in time to my beat.

Yours,

Robin Banks

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 10:03 AM

My dear esteemed correspondents!

Please do not consider me churlish for not responding immediately to your many requests for help. Indeed I see much suffering in some of your posts and I will not abadone you in your hour of need. Unfortunately, I am in my day surgery at present attending to the needs of the physically present. Howevr, thanks to this modern miracle of the internet, I am able to keep track of your pleas for advice.

Please rest assured that I will soon respond to each and every one of your problems as soon as possible.

I can respond quickly here to one correspondent...Mr D. Head.

Indeed Mr Head, I appreciate the analogy very much and there can be few finer sounds of a summer's day! Without wishing to seem pedantic however I must point out that the body of a telecaster is normally made from a denser wood than willow, e.g. ash or maple. Likewise, Mr Archer's head is not constructed from leather but indeed of some species of softwood I believe, perhaps some species of Araucaria (Monkey puzzle)?

However, these are fairly minor points and do not in any way detract from the simple beauty of the metaphor you so ably describe!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 10:36 AM

Dear Mr T. Watt,

Remarkably, I have just seen a patient with a remarkably similar complaint! In his case he was wearing a pair of Gibson J-45s (approximately size 11 for those using imperial units) which he had mistaken for his shoes. Professional courtesy of course obliged me to treat this person with the concerned and serious, yet friendly, demeanour that my patients' expect. However, I was able to enjoy the amusement of the situation in a restrained manner in the privacy of my own study.

We must be thankful to our luthier friends that none of them has yet considered sandalwood, Santalum albumL., yet for building instruments!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 10:57 AM

Dear Al Urker,

An interesting story indeed!

Besides the remarkable bass, many do know about the musicality of fish. I am reliably informed that banjos have a perch-pole, most stringed intruments have tunas of some species (indeed the piano requires one in physical attendance at least once a year), the conger may be used for percussion, most musicians have at one time or another come into contact with a smoked roach, and concerning payment and contracts almost all musicians have needed to carp! I am sure that many of our assiduous readers will readily identify other musical fish!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Fossil
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 11:11 AM

Another guitar tune I am often requested to play is "Down in the forest". I would like to know if anyone has the words to this or if it has any special folk connotations, since the request is often accompanied by an antiphonal chant (which I presume is traditional) from other members of the audience "F" and "off", in a repetitive minor cadence, which I assume refers the key in which it is played -or is it referring to the forest in question? Please help me....

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 28 Sep 02 - 04:18 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,
Good news and Bad news!
The good news is that I've recently inherited a rare, vintage instrument, that has been in my Aunts' family for years.
It is a Selmer Maccaferri made in 1933 and, I'm given to understand, fairly valuable.
As the only "musical" member of the family, apart from my cousin Winston who is something of a virtuoso on the spoons, it was agreed that the guitar should go to me following Aunties unfortunate encounter with the No.73 bus.
Apparently Auntie Edna was attempting to retrieve her lucky bingo pen, which had rolled under the stationary vehicle, when the bus drove away with Edna snagged by her surgical stocking on the underside. Three stops later Auntie was deposited, pen in hand, outside the Mecca bingo hall but unfortunately her number was up.
But I digress! Now where was I?........ Ah yes! The Bad news,
The bad news is that, at some time in the past, a previous owner has sought fit to embellish the guitar with his name, scratched, rather clumsily, onto the body. I have managed to remove most of the lettering except where the pen has pressed most deeply into the wood and was about to get the power-sander out when I thought of you!
I certainly wouldn't want to do anything to devalue this lovely instrument(unlike a certain vandal by the name of "Django Reinhardt") and would appreciate your advice on this matter.
Although I'm not given to violence, if I could get my hands on that Django chappie I'd chop his bloody fingers off!
Yours despairingly,
Ivor Screwluss.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: CraigS
Date: 28 Sep 02 - 07:47 PM

That Reinhardt chap must have got about a bit - there's a later petit bouche Selmer in a museum in Paris which he stamped hs name on beside the twiddly things for string adjustments.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Thor Symyrrschesen
Date: 28 Sep 02 - 08:16 PM

Deer Dr Giutar,

I am traveling several weeks now with my hardrock group Der Gotterdammerungers and I am having trouble with my groupees who are making me to smash my faching Stratocaster. This is happening as this : I am getting on the stage fine and playing in a normal rockstar manner undtil my group plays our big hit Swinging the Hamer of Thor. I am trying to be calm, but my groupees are taking thier bras from their boozums and calling "Swing your hammer Mighty Thor!" This is what makes me break my giutar on top of the stage.

I am buying the cheaper and cheaper Strats, first the Eric Clapton model, then Eddie Van Halen, then the Neil Diamond and finally a crummy Snooks Mackenzie model. I am saving the peices and assembeling a guitar before each show.

How you could help me with this problem? Don't ask I should not break my instroment, because I'm needing these groupees to control my acne problem.

"Mighty" Thor Hotel Cramloch Stertnees, Scotland

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Management Consultant
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 04:14 AM

I have followed this thread with great attention and it is obvious to me that the whole of the music-production industry needs to undertake a business change. As a simple illustration, I have observed that many guitar players spend up to half and hour of non-productive time per day "tuning" their instruments to make them match an entirely arbitrary set of standard notes. A little lateral thinking shows that all of this time could be saved if the music was written to the 'de-tuned' notes. While this would certainly require an initial investment to regenerate the necessary tunes, I am convinced the ROI in terms of time makes this a project which should be undertaken with some priority.

My invoice in is the post.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 11:49 AM

Dear Mr Screwluss,

How lucky you are with inheriting such a fine piece especially as it is a "Selmer Maccaferri" model basically only made in 1932 and 1933.

Despite the annoying obviously forged and crudely carved signature I would be careful with the application of the power sander on such a rare and valuable instrument.

How fortunate that Mr Reinhardt almost exclusively played the oval hole model introduced from 1934 rather than the 1932-33 D-hole model. Except of course if your have the year wrong and it is serial number 503 (made in 1940) that you have! (in which case the museum of the Conservatoire Nationale in Paris would very much like to get in touch with you!!! And except of course if he borrowed Auntie Edna's guitar (he was rather inclined to borrow peoples' instruments rather a lot in which case it was most inconsiderate of him to have defaced such a fine instrument in such a way!).

I am so sorry to have heard of Auntie Edna's unfortunate encounter with the no. 73 bus especially so since it is a route that I am rather fond of since many a time I travelled to my club in Park Lane on its upper floor.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 12:23 PM

Dear Mr Fossil,

What good fortune! You are in the company of some greats!

Many Mississippi bluesment have been asked to play down in the depot; Billy Joe Royal, Kenny Loggins and Ry Cooder were all asked to play down in the boondocks; the Easy Club were often asked to play down in the wee room...

I believe it, and the accompanying chants of appreciation from your audience, to be merely a positive affirmation of your undoubted musical abilities. Alternatively, they may be used to that particular song in the key of E and may be asked you to remove your capo from the first fret in telling to to "get the F off".

I myself am often asked to play if I am going down to the woods today and reminded that there will be a big surprise for me!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 01:36 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,
I am hoping you can help me on my road to fame and fortune.
I need some advice on how to secure good quality gigs. Following a recent rave review in my local gig guide "No Turn Unstoned", which described me as "something of a cult" (unfortunately a spelling error during typesetting has rendered it useless as a critique), I was spurred to writing off to a number of major recording artists to offer my services as a support act.
I enclosed a tape of some of my best material but as yet have only recieved one curt reply from Elton John which read "You Can't!" and even that was mis-spelt!
I know that, strictly speaking, this isn't your area of expertise but I would be grateful for any advice.
Yours,(waiting in the wings)
W.Annabee

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,P. Ratt
Date: 01 Oct 02 - 11:08 AM

Dear Sir, I recently purchased a guitar from Nobgoblin music,
the label on the guitar stipulated ;- " This is a folk guitar".
Being of that particular musical persuasion i purchased it.
I'm finding it rather difficult though, to be able to play the guitar
and, at the same time keep one finger in my ear! have you any suggestions?
P.Ratt

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:25 AM

My dear esteemed patients and correspondents!

It was not my wish to let your many pleas for help go unanswered but even a humble doctor such as myself is called away to foreign climes on urgent business. And then there was that tricky matter of threatened litigation concerning the squeaking G-string and a bottle of motorcyclists' graphite lubricant... Such are the tribulations of life.

Anyway, I am back now and at your disposal once again to dispense such hope and comfort as I can to the needy.

Let us start with guest Mr Thor Symyrrschesen's problem....
_____________________

Dear Thor the Mighty,

I would like to point out from the outset that I do not claim to be a species of deer although some have occasionally called me an ass!

I think the trouble may be that you have a problem with your Ring. Hagen is definitely after it ("Schläfst du, Hagen?").

You will recall that, on the banks of the Rhine, the maidens were bewailing their lost treasures. These are clearly the bras they are taking from their boozums and offering you. They are, in fact, probably pleading for your Ring, perhaps mistaking you for Hagen (not Nina in this case). Are you sure they are not calling "Ring of yours Hagen, might be sore..."?

If this is the case, a simple and repeated application of a medicinal product such as Scleriproc or a similar formulation may ease the irritation which is clearly intense enough to cause you to needlessly destroy your valuable instrument on stage. (Which as you correctly state, you require to control the annoying outbreaks of acne.)

A potentially more serious problem is that, unless you follow my advice and stop pretending to be Hagen, there is a serious danger that, at the climax of your act, the maidens will drag you to your death which is a fate I would, of course, not wish to befall any of my patients.

Hoping that this is of assistance.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

P.S. I think it wise to remain in Scotland for the duration. Trips along the Rhine should be avoided until the problem clears up.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:38 AM

Dear Guest Management Consultant,

A succinct observation indeed. As I have observed previously, not only are those notes arbitrary but they must be tuned at rather inconvenient time during the early hours of the morning, such as 2:20 or 4:40. Let us do away with them completely! This will, as you correctly state, save much time but, more importantly permit greater creativity and create less potential for claims of "plagiarism". I do not think any great investment will be necessary and it will certainly be of great assistance to those such as our dear Ebbie who do not know where to put their fingers.

(N.B. Dear Ebbie, if you are still there please continue not to look at that web page I asked you not to look at, as this is a long-term treatment.)

I did have your own arbitrary note as sent in front of me somewhere recently but, also it seems to have disappeared somewhere behind me...

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:46 AM

Dear Mr. W. Annabee,

Strictly speaking, spelling and lexicography in general is not my area of specialization although, if you would care to send me your material, I would be more than happy to try and formulate a suitable review.

I recommend that, in such cases of literary mastership you should consult one of Mudcat's esteemed experts in such matters such as Mr Amos. Regarding your approach to major recording artists, I think psychology may be important here and I can think of no better authority than Mudcat's own renowned expert on such matter, Mr Wolfgang, who will undoubtedly be able to point you in the right direction.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:59 AM

Dear Mr P. Ratt,

I have noticed a tendancy for the folks at Obnobling to label their instruments thus. It is bad enough to manage simulataneous aural digitization with a guitar, as you have experienced, but spare a kind thought also for my unfortunate patients with clarsachs.

But I have thought of two possible solutions!

The first is that you could ask a member of the audience to perform the aural digitization while you play away.

The second is that you could visit a theatrical or cinematic props purveyor and purchase a "false hand" which I believe are commonly found in productions of a certain genre in those artistic traditions. With the aid of a suitable mounting device, e.g. an adapted headphone holder or G-clamp, you could then affix this artefact such that it performs the necessary digital function. This second option has the advantage that it provides you with greater mobility on stage.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alphonse Nutt
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 09:29 AM

Dear sir,
As a deterrent to would be guitar theives i have devised a fiendishly
clever plan - Firstly, obtain some (approx 30grams) of used plutonium
( available in most ex eastern bloc countries ) grind this material into a fine, talc like powder. Now the clever bit! lightly dust the strings of your instrument with the powder, Viola! as soon as the theif plays the stolen instrument he/she will inhale the dust and die a long and lingering death from cancer or some other suitable disease. To be fair i can't take all of the credit for this worthwhile idea - well, to be honest, my wife betty suggested it really, she is such a sweet thing, she visits me here in hospital quite regularly, she has even forgiven me for eating her mother.
A.Nutt

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: 53
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 10:41 AM

Dr. Guitar has a lot to say.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 12:41 PM

Dear Mr A. Nutt,

Your solution is an inventive one but, sadly, flawed I am afraid to say. First of all, there is no known source of used plutonium. All plutonium in its various varieties is made freshly to order in nuclear plants.

A second problem would be the risks generated, apart from the annoying and ethically unacceptable toxic hazard to your audience and other innocent bystanders, the weak alpha radiation could have a potentially deleterious effect on the fine polymeric finish of your guitar (or viola?...I am not sure which you own from your letter). Thirdly you yourself might mistake it for the talcum powder you probably use for playing blues guitar (or viola) and contaminate your own physical person. Fourthly, can you begin to imagine the disastrous consequences should you decide to form an ensemble with similar-minded musicians.

I have a proposal. Why not separate out the plutonium 241. If you store this safely for 14 years, half of it will have decayed to a gram or so of americium-241 which will give you a unique opportunity to establish a potentially profitable and ethically acceptable smoke detector business.

If you really must go ahead with this scheme despite my advice, procure a small amount of the heaviest form of Pu which has a half life of approximately 37600 years. If you place this within your guitar case it should deter anybody, even yourself, from going near.

As for the remaining Pu, I am at a loss as to where you might store it but perhaps some of our resident physicists may be able to help with suggestions.

However, all of this is purely hypothetical since you seem to be safely locked away for the protection of society! But I have nevertheless alerted the authorities just to be on the safe side and I am led to believe that Mrs Nutt is currently helping them with their enquiries!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,A. Kissup Toady
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 01:43 PM

Unsolicited testimonials for Doctor Guitar:

"Dat Doctah Geetah' be one smaht mo foga." - Gansta rapper Teryo Assoff

"When my girlfriend broke her G-string, Doctor Guitar had the situation well-in-hand in just a matter of seconds." - A. Real Loozer

"I'm going to write my doctoral dissertation on the cummulative effects of the opinions of Doctor Guitar on the socio-economic structure of rural Northern Mississippi in the late 20th Century." - N. N. Ivory Tower

"Whatsup, Doc?" - Bugs Bunny

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Kaleea
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 01:28 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar. Recently af friend of mine decided to take up the guitar, and bought one for about $400. She complained that it hurt her fingers to play it, therefore she asked me to go along with her to look at another guitar which had a teeny weeny itsy bitsy neck & gigantic price tag. I advised her that foo-foo sissie students students such as herself often complain of their fingers hurting too much. Since she was in the decision dillemma mode, I advised her to wait at least a couple of days before trading her new Sigma guitar in for a beat up 1960 Gibson student model for which they are asking @ $500. She has large fingers for a woman, and long fingernails which she refuses to cut off are making it difficult for her to play, and therefore her fingers & nails touch the string next to the one which she attempts to depress. Now for the quesion: Since she has been relunctant to take time away from her other instrument, she keeps putting off guitar lessons & says she won't play anyway cause it's too hard. I have much smaller fingers & no nails cause I cut em down--therefore I can play a teeny weeny neck easily.
    This is why I was thinking that I would put all my vast knowledge of playing guitar--or atleast some of it onto casette tapes & let her listen to "Learn to play guitar while you sleep" tapes?!! She is afraid it will take only about 10 minutes to build up her fingers & hand & wrist, & so far, I have not corrected her. Should I offer her guitar lessons agagin, or let her wake up & smell the mcmuffins?
Or should I depend upon upon learn-while-you sleep-tapes to get her playing?
    Confused in the Mid-West USA

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 11:46 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

Please forgive me for the curtness in my last post. I have been frustrated in trying to deal with your instructions.

I did finally come up with a temporary solution, but now I need your mailing address. Knowing that it is your desire to provide answers, and that you are therefore liable for all expenses deriving therefrom, as soon as I have your address I will send you an invoice itemizing the expenses I have incurred in following your dicta. I am currently traveling in Oregon which is proving a workable solution; thus far I have succeeded in NOT looking at that web site. When I return home to Alaska, as I inevitably must, I will need further assistance.

Looking forward to being in ongoing communication with you, I am

Alona Lott

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,C. Lee Goose
Date: 14 Oct 02 - 11:53 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

While your fame on this forum is duly acknowledged, I was totally unaware of the tremendous esteem in which you are held by the guitar culture at-large. Congratulations on joining the ranks of Eric Clapton, Steve Howe, Peter Rowan, Clarence White and all the others who have had guitar models named after them by the C.F. Martin Company. Click Here. My only question is why is the Dr. Guitar model so cheap while all the other signature models cost a bundle?

Sincerely,

C. Lee Goose

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 05:26 AM

Dear Patients and Correspondents,

First of all I must apologise for deserting you here on Mudcat for so long. My services were needed urgently in the former Eastern Bloc where suffering cimbalom, contrabass and domra players required immediate assistance.

This brings me first of all to Guest Alona Lott's problem.

Dear Alona,

I would love to be able to provide you with a mailing address for your invoice but, as you can see, I am virtually a person of no fixed abode myself, dispensing, as is my responsibility, advice to the musically needy on an international basis.

In the meantime I have continued to worry about your predicament. Part of the problem may be that you are trying to use too many fingers. I have, therefore, at my own expense trawled the entire internet and have found the following page which promises wonderful things and which on no account must you look at.

How to play complex and amazing jazz chords with only two fingers

Please do not look at this site as it could be dangerous. Please allow me to quote from it to illustrate my point:

"...New method to play complex Jazz chords, using just 2 fingers"

"...in various neck positions"

"...Learn improvised solos and fills, with increased fluidity"

If this were not bad enough it also offers free downloadable software to assist the unwary in all of this.

I suppose, as the internet is unregulated, we cannot stop this sort of abuse but I feel a responsibility to warn readers, and particularly you, Dear Alona Lott, to avoid contamination by it and possible further social exclusion.

Please do tell me more about your travels in Oregon, a beautiful State I am reliably informed although I have never had the luck to travel there myself.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 05:53 AM

Dear Confused in the Mid-West USA,

Your post raises not just one but several interesting points!

Since your friend seems a reluctant student, it seems futile to waste an enormous $500 on such an instrument which could clearly damage her fingernails further causing the kind of social exclusion that Alona Lott has suffered. If, indeed, she has gone ahead with this fruitless purchase I recommend that you ask her to forward this old "Gibson" to me as I have the necessary facilities to dispose of it safely and free of charge.

Is your friend handy? I ask this because it is not strictly necessary for a guitar to have strings and this could solve her fingernail problems and, indeed owning long fingernails could be a positive advantage in constructing her own very special guitar. Here is a site which explains how. Is your friend prepared to wear short trousers and do a funny walk as well as these qualities would also add to the ownership pleasure of such an instrument.

A build-it-yourself guitar that won't hurt your fingers or damage your fingernails

Since your friend appears to be a "reluctant student", your "Learn to play guitar while you sleep" tapes risk not being appreciated. However your generosity should in some way be rewarded and, since Alona Lott does not know where to put her fingers, I cannot but help think that your singular act of kindness could contribute towards a partial cure of her malady.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 06:02 AM

Dear C. Lee Goose,

Thank you so much for drawing this to my attention. How kind of the C.F. Martin company to honour me in such a way! And for pricing the instrument such that it may be accessible to the needy masses who, indeed, comprise the majority of my correspondents!

I am also overwhelmed by the testimonials that have been brought to my attention by Mr/Mrs/Ms A. Kissup Toady, although I am not exactly sure what a "mo foga" is. I am sure, however, that it must be some modern expression of respect and esteem!

Thank you so much.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: 53
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 09:52 AM

You must be a new one.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: 53
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 10:25 AM

How do you play the guitar when your left hand is messed up?

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 10:49 AM

Badly !

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Clueless Clyde (from Cleveland)
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:01 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

Many years ago, I learned a bunch of guitar chords out of a Mel Bay book. One kind of chord that I learned how to finger was something called an augmented chord. Well, I just realized that after almost forty years of playing the guitar, I do not play a single song that uses an augmented chord. Diminished, ninth, major seventh, minor seventh and a whole bunch of one-off type things I don't even know the names of, but no augmented chords. So, I was wondering if you had any suggestions regarding what I could do with these useless things. They are perfectly good chords - brand new and never been used. I just don't have any use for them and would like to see them in a good home.

Sincerely,

Clueless Clyde

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:09 AM

Dear Clueless Clyde,

Regretfully, Dr. Guitar has been out of his office for some time. In his absence, several of his colleagues, including myself, have been endeavoring to fill in in his stead. Since your situation seems to be a common ailment from which many guitarists suffer, I thought I would give it immediate attention.

Here is a brief list of things that can be done with unused augmented chords:

1) Donate them to Mudcat Auction
2) Sell them on Ebay
3) Exchange them for a couple of sets of guitar strings
4) Exchange them for an Fmaj7 fingered 132211
5) Send them to Pat Donahue and see if he'll play them on "Prairie Home Companion"

If any of my colleagues have further suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 05:06 AM

To all my valued and needed patients,

Indeed I am still here and well and am much indebted to my esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought for stepping into the breach whilst I was away from my office on urgent business tending to the heatbreaking needs of some of our world music colleague (I like to think of myself as polyvalent) with their kora, domra, tabla, oud and bamboo flute problems.

Dear Clueless Clyde,

Indeed, I would relieve you of those chords myself were it not for the fact that I only use those particular augmented chords and no other and therefore have a personal surplus of them.

My worthy and esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought has already proferred you some sound advice with which I readily concur.

Another suggestion from my site would be to offer them up on the following site which has a special forum for the needy and where someone in great distress may want (really, really want) them and may, if they are really special, like augmented 7b9, or really rare, like the augmented 7#9 (the so-called "precious" amongst the really needy and thought to be the original inspiration for Tolkien's Gollum's desription of The Ring) be prepared to pay good dollar for them.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 05:18 AM

My sincerely apologies to all for my seriously curtailed post above, cut off in its prime by unknown forces that even this humble Doctor cannot comprehend! Let me try, with your indulgence, once again...

To all my valued and needy patients,

Indeed I am still here and well and am much indebted to my esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought for stepping into the breach whilst I was away from my office on urgent business tending to the heatbreaking needs of some of our world music colleague (I like to think of myself as polyvalent) with their kora, domra, tabla, oud and bamboo flute problems.

Dear Clueless Clyde,

Indeed, I would relieve you of those chords myself were it not for the fact that I only use those particular augmented chords and no other and therefore have a personal surplus of them.

My worthy and esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought has already proferred you some sound advice with which I readily concur.

Another suggestion from my site would be to offer them up on the following site which has a special forum for the needy and where someone in great distress may want (really, really want) them and may, if they are really special, like augmented 7b9, or really rare, like the augmented 7#9 (the so-called "precious" amongst the really needy and thought to be the original inspiration for Tolkien's Gollum's desription of The Ring) be prepared to pay good dollar for them.

Special site for the really needy musician

Another person who may be able to use them is our own esteemed Mr Fielding on this forum. I have it on the best possible authority that he can do an augmented and frequently injects one into his performances, but I am not sure if he yet has the Complete Collection.

At your service always and delighted to be called upon one again!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: posterchild
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:50 PM

I have a Grammer G10 Jumbo guitar. Any way of finding out the value?

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: BuckMulligan
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:59 PM

Posterchild, send an email to Mandolin Brothers in NY. Amazing place, nifty website too (get the email details there) - http://www.mandoweb.com/

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 05:42 PM

Dear Dr Guitar,
I've been studying the guitar for some weeks now and feel ready to venture further up the neck. My problem is that, upon close inspection, it seems that the metal strips on my instruments neck are unevenly spaced, being more closely grouped the nearer the body of the guitar.
I had thought of removing every other metal strip past the seventh one but I'm a little concerned as to how to re-site the white dot-markers on the neck.
Any advice would be gratefully received,
Yours,
Ed Cayse.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 06:35 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar:
I appreciate your patience with your patients, of whom I am one. My problem is not yet resolved, but at least I no longer care as much.

You passed on some instructions to me some time back; I've been using them with mixed success.

"...New method to play complex Jazz chords, using just 2 fingers" I won't even comment on this suggestion.

"...in various neck positions" I have tried as many neck positions as I can think of- with no results other than a certain stiffness that I anticipate working out before it becomes chronic. Do you have any helpful ideas?

"...Learn improvised solos and fills, with increased fluidity" My own medical doctor suggested the same thing- and now I drink much more water than I did. (I don't do as well as my nephew does though, I must admit- he is currently drinking 120 + ounces a day. He doesn't leave home much any more.)

Thank you for your efforts.

Ebbie is still Alona Lott.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: posterchild
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 06:48 PM

C-Flat...in your case, remove all the little metal strips (frets), fill in the holes with matching rosewood or ebony wood filler, then sand the entire top of the neck (fingerboard) real smmmmmoooooth, go to the office supply store and buy some 1/2" "smiley face" stickers to use for those dot-markers, place one every inch on the top of the neck (fingerboard). Then brush paint the guitar with at least three heavy coats of the best grade of exterior house paint (a bright color will be so nice). Restring the instrument (after it drys) with all 6th strings (.056) and tighten all the strings 'til you think they are about to break, take all the little pills your therapist gave you, sit down in a corner somewhere and play with yourself 'cause your guitar will as fucked up as you are. Have Fun!

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 03:10 AM

Thanks Posterchild, I think the smiley face stickers are a great idea and surely a more attractive option than abalone or mother-of-pearl!
I have a bit of a problem with your suggestion that I change the strings though. Not that I have a problem with using all .56 gauge,(my home-made, heavy-duty steel picks can cope with that), rather the issue of having to tune them all over again. It took me so long to get this set just right(in tune AND all the tuning pegs facing the right way) that, once achieved, I prudently super-glued the pegs into position to avoid having to undertake such time-taking work again.
Is it possible to carry out this work by detaching the neck of the guitar while leaving the strings attatched? There's already a bit of play on it and I think it wouldn't take too much effort to free it completely!
Any ideas?
Ed Cayse.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 08:34 AM

Dear Ed Cayse,

Good to see you again in my surgery!

I quite agree. It does seem strange, especially to the uninitiated, that there should be an increasing oddness of the frets as one goes up the neck. In fact my studies have revealed that there is a formula at work here which involves the very odd number indeed of 17.817. This has lead me to conclude that access to those odd upper frets should only be allowed to those who have passed a test for playing odd chords such as myself and Mr Fielding (and certainly not Alona Lott who has been ignoring my advice not to look at certain internet sites). Such odd chords include, for example the augmented 7b9 and the "precious", i.e. the augmented 7#9, discussed at length with Clueless Clyde above.

I am currently in negotiation with some of the leading guitar companies and bespoke luthiers to implement a safeguard feature that I have patented to prohibit and prevent access to these odd and potentially dangerous frets.

With my very best regards,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Old Pro
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 09:10 AM

The easiest way to disconnect the neck from the body with minimal damage is to use a two man cross cut saw to produce a smooth clean cut. If done carefully the two pieces should join back together nicely. The strings will be slacker because of this but you can probably figure out a way to tie knots in them. Keep us posted. I'm sure the big guitars makers are following this thread with great interest. Old Pro

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: DMcG
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 09:41 AM

When you re-assemble the guitar, pay close attention to the gap between the strings and the fretboard. Too great a gap will make playing difficult and six inches is the maximum recommended.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 01:43 PM

Oh Doctor, Doctor...

I have a vintage pre-war Martin dreadnought and have long wanted to add a second neck to it so I don't have to switch guitars when I need a 12 string. I recently found an old broken 12 string neck in a yard sale and bought it for the bargain price of $450. Can I just glue this to the upper bout of my Martin and string it up?

Actually, the question is kind of moot since I already glued it there (and used a couple of wood screws for good measure). The real question is: "How do I figure out where to drill the holes in the existing bridge for the new 12 strings?

Don't worry... I have a very extensive workshop's worth of woodworking tools, including a ballpeen hammer, a Sears Craftsman 3/8" drill (with only one bit, a 11/16, but how many do you need, seriously) and a Barlow knife with a broken blade.

(p.s. hurry with your response please... I have an important gig tonight)

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Old Pro
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 02:53 PM

It would be best if you used long drywall screws. Take the back of the guitar off with a prybar (carefully)(you may need to use a hammer and large sharp chisel to get you started.) It is best to run the screws (about 2 dozen very close together) in from the INSIDE of the guitar body into the neck. Go ahead and run some into the 6 string neck also for stability...Put the back in place and secure with fine quality duct tape. Just to be sure pour a gallon of wood glue into the sound hole. Roll your guitar around to make sure the entire INSIDE is coated. Let dry for about a month, string it up and head for Nashville. Sorry about tonight's gig. But, hey! Borrow a Harmony Sovereign and go for it.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 03:31 PM

That's gonna be a bit of a problem. Nobody will lend me a guitar. (the pricks!)

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 04:33 PM

Dear Doctor Guitar,

Like Clueless Clyde above, I learned my basic guitar chords from a Mel Bay chord book - the old ones with actual photos of Mel Bay himself dressed in a suit so brown that you could tell it was brown even in the black and white photos - demonstrating the chords on his D'Angelico New Yorker. As a result of untold hours spent poring over those photos, I have a strange compulsion to dress up in a brown suit, striped tie, and long-sleeved white dress shirt with cufflinks at any time that I get the urge to play guitar. As I am semi-retired and spend most of my time at home, the urge to play guitar strikes me twenty or thirty times a day. Being both a potter and an avid gardener, staying dressed in my Mel Bay wardrobe all day long is probably not a good idea. The constant changing of clothes is taking huge amounts of time out of my typical day, not to mention the fact that I have had to take out a second mortgage on my house to keep up with the dry-cleaning bill. I would actually be willing to put up with this affliction if a New Yorker came along with it at no extra charge, but, so far, it has not materialized. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

The Guy in the Brown Suit

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 07:29 AM

Dear Dr Guitar,
I'm considering a change of style, following a chance meeting with some pleasant(if a bit scruffily dressed)young men at a recent "jam night".
It seems that these fellows are looking for a replacement guitarist to join their rock band and I think they were impressed with some of the knowledge I was able to impart as a direct result of my frequent visits to your esteemed surgeries.
During our conversation I heard one or two unfamiliar expressions and was hoping that you could enlighten me.
Apparently these boys like to play "heavy metal" guitars and "thrash" or "shred" them.
The heaviest guitar I own is an EKO ranger (all that extra bracing) but I got the impression that this wouldn't be heavy enough and anyway it's predominately wood, apart from the truss rod, so probably not the thing.
From our previous discussions I'm aware that a lead guitar is a non-starter but can you suggest something heavy enough to satisfy my requirements and withstand "thrashing" and "shredding".
If I can make a good impression with these chaps, then I would think the gig is mine and to that end I've ordered a nice leather jacket and have made a few well-placed rips in some old gardening jeans. Any further image tips will be gratefully received.
Keep up the good work!
Yours faithfully,
R.Sole.

P.S. Mrs Sole doesn't know anything of this as I'm hoping to suprise her when I'm fully kitted out, so "mum's the word"!

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 09:42 AM

Dear Guy in the Brown Suit,

I will have to give your particular affliction a little more consideration before I can recommend a course of treatment. However, in the meantime, may I suggest that you scour the Salvation Army, Goodwill and similar thrift stores and bargain centers in your area for brown suits in your size. They are full of them. You will find that it is far less expensive to purchase donated brown suits from such charitable organizations than it is to have your existing suits dry-cleaned. When you feel that any of the suits are in need of cleaning, simply donate them back to the stores from which you purchased them. They will clean them before putting them out for sale and you may repurchase them far more cheaply than you could have had them cleaned yourelf.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 10:01 AM

Dear R. Sole,

You are absolutely correct in stating that, in seeking to procure a heavy metal guitar, one should shy away from lead guitars. For that matter, one should also avoid mercury guitars and any others made of metals of known toxicity. A uranium guitar would be a possibility. Continuous playing would eventually allow one to glow in the dark, which would be a very interesting stage effect. Unfortunately, it would be likely to attract the attention of Mr. Tom Ridge of the Department of Homeland Security and result in your spending an uncomfortable afternoon answering questions posed to you by men wearing brown suits. Another alternative would be a gold guitar, gold being extremely heavy. The drawback would be that a solid gold electric guitar would cost more than a vanload of D'Angelico New Yorkers pulling a trailerful of prewar Martins behind it.

An inexpensive alternative to a true heavy metal guitar would be one made of reinforced concrete. It would certainly be heavy, and the imbedded steel reinforcing rods would qualify it as being metal.

As to "shredding", the best way to achieve this effect is to go to a local home center or hardware store and procure a chipper-shredder designed to shred limbs and other lawn debris. Such devices provide a satisfying sonic background when allowed to simply idle on stage. But when you rev one up and shove a Gibson Les Paul down its throat it will emit a scream that will drive a rock audience into ecstasy. I would not recommend feeding your reinforced concrete guitar to the shredder unless you have obtained the very heaviest-duty model available.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dustin
Date: 24 Feb 03 - 01:38 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I'm surprised that my problem hasn't come up in your column yet, but I know there are many others out there with my problem. I've been told I should learn some "bar chords." Why are my current chords insufficient (I know four, so I have everything you need for any song plus a spare in case one of the others breaks)? In any case, I have a bar gig coming up so can you tell me exactly which ones work in bars? A friend tried to tell me it was a different kind of chord that involved "barring" all the strings across one fret, but I tried laying a bar across the frets (I had an old piece of rebar laying around) and found it was all nonsense.

Please help ASAP--I will be playing with a bebop band in a bar this weekend and will need some bar chords by then. (I dunno what kind of music that is, but with such a stupid name it must be pretty stupid music--I figure I'll only need one, two chords max.)

Thanks,

C.L.Uless

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 24 Feb 03 - 12:17 PM

Dear C.L. Uless,

You are absolutely correct that there is an entirely different set of chords known as "bar chords" used specifically for playing in bars. They differ from conventional chords in that they allow one to maintain a vice-like grip on one's guitar while playing. This is particularly advantageous when playing in a bar and some drunk jack-ass dick-weed attempts to snatch one's guitar out of one's hand so he can play "Sweet Home Alabama".

"Bar chords" should not be confused with "barre chords". "Barre chords" are to be used exclusively while providing music for ballet dancers who are practicing at the barre. For optimum effect, barre chords should be played while standing on one's tiptoes and wearing skimpy, revealing, clingy, filmy diaphanous costumes that reveal every.......

Pardon me. Doctor Dreadnought must go take a cold shower now.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Old Pro
Date: 24 Feb 03 - 02:06 PM

CAUTION! CAUTION! CAUTION! Remember that when using "bar" chords and "barre" chords some deviant will more than likely try to slip in "barred" chords. NEVER try to play "barred" chords. These outlawed sounds are only used in dark secret places and always by those "under the influence". Young virginal girls should never be in the same room if you should slip. Their cherries will POP! And that is not a pretty sight because they will slip into a life of degradation and cigatette smoking almost immediately. BE CAREFUL!

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:31 PM

Well...it's gratifying and most kind that the obliging Mr Hardly has taken up the challenge during the questioning of the existance or not of Dr. or Mr. Guitar. And also the excellent medical work by my colleague O.M.Dreadnought.

In fact Dr. Guitar is very much alive and well and has never actually left this forum. Dr. Guitar is indeed a real person and this mail is from the real Dr. Guitar just to prove the point. It is just that poor Dr. Guitar was so overwhemed by the suffering encountered by his patients here at the Mudcat that he, i.e my good self, had to take a sabbatical for extra specialist training needed to service his trusting and needy patients.

Indeed, some of the suffering has been so intense, and I think back on poor Ebbie especially and her tendancy to look at Advanced Jazz Guitar sites despite my fervent attempts to persuade her otherwise, that I have been emotionally exhausted. But now I am back and am much refreshed and ready to be of service again. Indeed, as the more assiduous of you will observe, I am no longer even a "guest"!

So thank you, in my absence, to the sterling work put in especially by the dedicated Mr Hardly and my esteemed colleague, Dr O.M. Dreadnought. Indeed, both skilled colleagues are cordially invited to be part of the new clinic, such seems to be the workload at St. Mudcat's Hospital for Sick Instruments.

Looking forward to being of service once again.

May I immediately start my renewed work with a plea to dear forlorn Ebbie.

PLEASE do not look at the following site:

Certain things reserved for C-flat, Dr. Guitar, Mr. R Fielding and Mr. J Picka, Mr. Hardly and Dr. O.M.Dreadnought and definitely NOT to be looked at by Ebbie

Yours very truly,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:58 PM

Greetings, Dr. Guitar,

I am currently employed as an assistant to Dr. OM Dreadnought. Dr. Dread, as he sometimes calls himself, cannot personally reply to your post because there is currently a rash of cookie problems on the 'Cat and he doesn't want to ditch my cookie and not be able to get it back and make me have to be a GUEST. Anyway, Dr. Dread says, "That is the most exquisite example of unintelligible musical obfuscation I have ever seen. The author is to be congratulated."

Please note that Dr. D's comments are not my own. Personally, I've always thought that the term "9th chord" automatically implied the presence of the dominant 7th in the chord structure and the term "7-9" is a bit redundant. If the 9th is present in the chord without the dominant 7th it is generally called "add 9". The chord represented by X02200 or, in another voicing, 577400 is "A add 9" and is just a lovely-sounding chord.

Oh, my God! I think I may have inadvertently posted a serious musical observation to this thread. Please pardon me. I don't know what I was thinking.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 09:08 PM

Dear Bee-dubya-ell,

Indeed you are not to be pardoned, but rather praised for your erudite observations that will undoubtedly contribute towards Ebbie's gradual rehabilitation into polite folk society!

But best to whisper these things in future...just in case...!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Clammy Sammy
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 02:19 AM

Dear Dr. G.,

Almost immediately after I change my strings on my guitar they sound like spaghetti. This probably due to the perspiration that my hands exude and the acids or other toxic substancs within. Is there an alternative short of sweat gland surgery that I could explore to curb my acid grip, some sort of prophylactic for my fingertips perhaps?

Clammy Sammy

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Finance Seer
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 03:23 AM

Dear Dr Guitar

As I am not Ebbie, Dr Gutiar and so on I was not sure if I was allowed to look at THAT site - so I did.

It talks about 'a run of F chords'. I am familiar with 'runs on the dollar' and this site, for example, says that a serious run on the dollar could have severe impact on the American Economy.

I am concerned that a run on the F chord might do something similar musically. Can you reassure me?

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh dear... I really would like to go to that site. A run on the F chord sounds just up my alley.

(I am willing to delay my cure for a short period of time in order to see the site. Please advise.)

Ebbie Alona Lott

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 03:32 PM

Dear Clammy Sammy,

Dr. Dread has asked me to pass this suggestion to you:

There is really nothing you can do to prevent the sweat problem. However, if, as you state, your strings "sound like spaghetti" shortly after changing them, you may want to consider just stringing your guitar with spaghetti instead. Why pay $5.00 to $15.00 US for a set of strings that are going to sound like pasta in just a few hours? Just go to the grocery strore and buy boxes of several different thicknesses of spaghetti noodles. Try angel hair pasta for the treble strings, vermicelli for the mids and regular spaghetti for the bass strings. A one pound box of each will allow you to change your strings daily for a year at a total cost of less than $3.00 US. And, you can donate your used strings to the local food bank or soup kitchen.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 05:39 AM

Dear Finance Seer,

You are, of course, quite right and a run on the F could spell trouble for chord banks everywhere not to mention speech and literature in general.

Let me try and illustrate with a legal example:

Consider the following short extract from the transcript of the George Carlin monologue at issue in the Supreme Court case of FCC v. Pacifica Foundation. In this case there has been a run on all the Fs...

uck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am UCK. (laughter) UCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to UCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a lie -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double lie, the word uck. Irst of all, it means, sometimes, most o the time, uck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to uck, yeh, we're going to uck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to uck, yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning o lie, it's the act that begins lie, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and lie, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end o the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You inally can't make out. Oh, uck you man. I said, uck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid uck. (laughter) Uck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word uck or the word kill, wherever we could, and some o those movie cliches would change a little bit. Maduckers still on the loose. Stop me beore I uck again. Uck the ump, uck the ump, uck the ump, uck the ump, uck the ump.

What is clear here is that there would be no legal case for Mr Carlin to answer had ther been a run on the Fs.

Consider also that we would not have Eminem, Dr. Dre (no relation so far as I am aware nor to Dr. Dreadnought unless he is moonlighting) and 50 cents, should there be a run on the F.

So having reconsidered, my Dear Ebbie Alona Lott, it wouldn't, in this specific case, be too bad at all for you to take a (careful) peek at that F site, provided that you only look and do not touch. The latter action is safer in the hands of trained professionals such as myself and those previously mentioned.

With my most sincere regards,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 05:53 AM

Dear Clammy Sammy,

Bee-dubya-ell has passed on good information from Dr O.M. Dreadnought (aka Dr. Dread).

Perhaps I should add that the most widely preferred spaghetti amongst the clammy player is Essalungha....cooked slightly "al dente" as this will help to soak up excess humidity.

There is another, less elegant, solution. This is to cut the fingers out of a pair of medical gloves, powder-free if you are sensitized to latex, and to affix these to the relevant digits. Alternatively, you make use alternative prophylactic devices so deployed and, if this is the lubricated type, you may be able to save of the cost of coated strings. The small terminal teats will also act as reservoirs for your sweat. Please do not use vaseline on your strings as the sweat reservoirs may be more prone to bursting. Use, rather and if necessary, a suitable water-based lubricant.

I contra-indicate the old-fashioned, country practice of plunging your hands into caustic soda prior to performance, even though this may be deemed "traditional folk", as the effect is short-lived and may, during a longer performance actually prove to be counter-productive.

Yours very sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 10:09 AM

I'm so pleased to see that I no longer need fret the early retirement of Dr. Guitar -- that his "no F's barred, archtop-notch advice can still strike a chord with us here at the mudcat.

This question has been weighing heavily on me for some time now...

to flux or not to flux?

When you guys are repairing your broken strings for further use, do you use a flux, or do you just sand the end of the strings and weld them "as is". Does flux make a better joint? Which method, in the end, will give better tone? Do you get your bass player to hold the two ends together as you arc-weld the string?

I would also like to share this bit of advice I ran across. It may come in handy to some of you pickers out there. Remember...

A sharp saddle tortex nut.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ben Downsolong
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 05:01 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,
I was so impressed that one who posts to the humble Mudcat has actually attained status with Eric Clapton, Peter Rowan, Gene Autry, et. al. by having a Martin Guitar signature model. I went right out and purchased the Martin DR Guitar to add to my collection. Alas, when I got home I realized that the 14th fret did not have your signature inlaid into it as is the case with my other signature modedl Martins. I was wondering if you could possibly post a downloadable template of your signature along with instructions on how best to perform the inlay procedure. As to materials, I was thinking that mother-of-pearl is just too passe for one of your stature. I was thinking of maybe using some of that cool marble-looking plastic stuff that is on my accordian. (Some friends have referred to it as "mother-of-toilet seat). I have plenty of it around as others have a tendency to want to reduce my accordians to splinters.
I also was impressed by your insightful advice regarding the footwear problem of many mudcatters. I went out and purchased a matching set of your C.F, Martin signature guitars, loosened the strings ever-so-slightly, slightly enlarged the sound holes, and man have I caused a stir in the footwear fashion circles of my little town. Everybody loves my new Doc Martins!
Sincerely,
Ben Downsolong.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 06:43 PM

Dear Mr Hardly,

First may I heartily thank you for "holding the fort" as they say during my recent absence.

Unfortunately with so-called "progress" in string making, many strings are now very hard to weld due to the strange exotic alloys that they contain together with the unfortunate tendancy to "wind" them with even more exotic non-ferrous alloys. The latest "innovation", i.e. that of coating the strings with some sort of what I understand to be clothing material, unfortunately leaves a completely gooey mess which is most unpleasant on the fingers.

Fortunately, there is an easy solution. You can string your guitar with special "welding wire" which already comes coated with copper or another alloy of your preferred choice. These wires can have a tensile strength of 70,000 lbs or more which should be strong enough for even high tunings (take care against overtuning due to the current fad of "scalloped braces" which may fail during the process allowing your trousers to fall down) and come in a convenient range of diameters in bulk coils, which should save a lot on those highly expensive little packets with short lengths of string that seem to be all the rage these days. If you do want to spend that little bit more, you can buy a flux-cored variety which should answer your technical question.

A point of caution: welding is a dangerous process requiring skill. You should not risk your bass player's well-being. It is essential to take the entire assembly to an experienced welder and to use a specialist non-musician such as a drummer to hold the loose ends. Also please be careful when working with a dobro in case you should inadvertently weld the strings to the resonator.

I do hope this helps!

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 07:10 PM

Dear Ben Downsolong,

I can do better that that and post my signature right here! Here it is:

X

Being a complex signature such as it is, the normal carving or Dremel tools may be difficult to utilise. Fortunately help is close at hand and you may use a minature branding iron. The following shows such a procedure in use (WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED) and, indeed, you can see that the craftsman has not only used my signature but has further personalized it, which you may also wish to consider for your fine instrument:

Inlaying your signature

I do quite agree with you! Mother of Pearl and abalone are not only passe but toxic as well. Mother-of-toilet-seat is a wonderful material for guitars...consider the fine appearance of the following:

Lovely Mother-of-toilet seat work

If it is good enough for Bukka White it should be good enough for anyone! Also the finest contemporary instrument makers are turning back to this wonderful material:

Just look here!

Good luck in your endeavours. By the way I also wear Docs like you!

Yours truly,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 07:18 PM

Dear Friends and Patients,

In the interests of Health and Efficiency, why do we not continue

over here

At your service always!

Yours truly,

Dr. Guitar

---

I closed this thread in an attempt to avoid splitting the discussion. Please post over here. If the Good Doctor wants to start a new thread, it's OK with me. I moved the threads out of the "BS" section, though - these threads are fun, but they certainly aren't non-music.
Thanks.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,bob
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 12:10 PM

Can you give me some advice on learning to play a musical instroment. i need at least 6 bullets, i'm doing a school project. I need to find it off the internet and not from my own experience. so please?

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 12:57 PM

Guest,bob wrote over on the old thread:

Can you give me some advice on learning to play a musical instroment. i need at least 6 bullets, i'm doing a school project. I need to find it off the internet and not from my own experience. so please

Well, Dear Bob, it's so good to be called "into action" action after so long. Indeed, I have never been away but the Good People of The Mudcat Cafe do not seem to have been suffering so much of late (apart from my dear friend Ebbie who must continue not to look at those websites.

My first recommendation would be to give those bullets, should you ever recieve them, to a responsible and properly qualified adult as these are not items that should be in the hands of a school student!

As for your query, I shall be serious for once:

- consider whether you wish to play alone, in a small group or an orchestra. Do you wish to accompany singing or are you more into instrumental works? This will help define the type of instrument you should take up as some naturally lend themselves to solo playing whilst others are definitely "ensemble" instruments

- consider the genre of music you are most interested in. Is it folk or blues, in which case the good people of this website are a wonderful source of advice? Or classical? Or pop or rock? Or some other genre? Depending on the answer, there are numerous sites on the internet packed with good advice.

- remember always that an instrument can be hard to play at the beginning. This is a period we have all gone through and you must be prepared to stick with it and practice in order to overcome those initial difficulties. Which you surely will if you are determined to.

- try to find fellow students with similar interests. Music is a tremendously sociable activity and I have found it has led to many and lasting friendships.

- while you can always "teach yourself" (and many successful musicians have) do consider finding a good teacher for your instrument of choice...and one you can develop a good working rapport with.

- here is a nice site about different types of musical instruments and here is another more general one about different aspects of learning music. I hope that you may find these helpful.

Don't hesitate to post back and let us know how you are getting on.

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 01:10 PM

Dear Guest,bob

You'll now find me in this thread over here!

Perhaps a Good Mudelf or Joeclone could therefore archive this thread?

Many thanks and yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 02:24 PM

Hey I just got a gutiar and i need help. When you play what strings do you hit?

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 07:38 PM

hey, i've been playin for about a year now and i think i'm progressing real good, but i don't really know too much about the world of guitar, let me explain that, i can't pronounce guitar companies and feel like a retard when i do.....can you help me out? thanks, and if u can, contact me at [e-mail]   with subject as "Guitar" so i don't discard it with all the ridiculous junk mail i receive.....thanks alot for hearin me out...

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Kaleea
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 03:28 AM

Dere Dr. Gee-tar,
   uh, & Brian--I cain't pruh-nownss yore name too good! But at leest my spellin iz akkyerate.
But I dye-gress! uh, Dr. Gee-tar, I iz wonderin' about hows come yew ain't a been with us fer sich a long time now? Hows come iz that? Whut have yew been up tew? Have yew been helpin' some o' them thar "ree-tardz" git ther gee-tar problemz figgered out? Pleeze let us'nz here at this here Mudkat kaffee place know whut yew've been a doin' with yerself fer the past few munths. We'unz has shorely misst yew & yore helpfull self.
   Dr. Gee-tar, iz yew out thar?
       yore dere frindz at this here Mudkat place,
            (signt) us'nz

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alan Miller
Date: 18 Apr 04 - 05:00 PM

Is there a resource where I could find Martin or Fender light guitar picks in bulk? It gets expensive and frustrating purchasing them just a few at a time from music stores. Thank you!

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 09:21 AM

There are currently some here on E-Bay.

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alona Lott
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 01:35 AM

Greetings from the far north! I have been traveling and haven't had the opportunity to read the web sites forbidden me so I'm feeling most virtuous. I must say, though, that I can't really tell where one is supposed to post- have we gone to another thread or NOT?

I'm happy to report that my finger problem has resolved itself; please accept my heartfelt thanks.

However, I do have a serious question. I spent the last week at a music festival. (It was very enjoyable, and I may take up a new career to be known as a'folkfestie'.)

But I overheard an intriguing comment from a young mandolin player to a slightly-older banjo player, with whom he was attempting to play. The banjo player asks, What key are you playing in?
Mando player: Hmmmmm. Not one really; just regular.

My question is, What are 'regular' keys? Is it possible for me to learn them by myself or do I need a teacher?

(Keep n mind that my band hasn't paid me in some time, so finances are temporarily somewhat short.

Thank you in advance.
A L

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 02:32 PM

My dear esteemed patients!

Indeed my medical services have not been called upon for some time which of course is a source of great joy to me since I must deduce from that that all is well in Mudcatland!

I am of course on call at all times as usual and more than willing to assist, even with the most intractable and persistent problem. Indeed, it is just as well that Mr Miller posted here as I have been monitoring my waiting room over in this thread. Now that I know that some patients are coming in through the fire exit I shall of course be looking into both waiting rooms.

Unfortunately, I am between calls at the moment. I have just come back from a trip from Seville where my urgent attendance was needed by a rather desperate group of flamenco guitarists. And tomorrow night I must depart for a short trip to Estonia where some needy musicians from that ex-Soviet state urgently require my assistance with their instruments before their celebratory concerts marking their accession to the European Union on 1 May. However, by the weekend I shall be back in my surgery and will be working hard to answer each and every query and request for therapy that you have all so kindly endowed upon me.

My dear C-flat! I am most indebted to you for providing locum assistance during my absence on international call!

Dear Alona Lott... I can hardly express my joy on news of the full recovery of your digit! You are so very worthy in not visiting those forbidden sites...this requires great strength of character and you have demonstrated that you possess this in abundance.

Your question is a most serious one and I will be considering this while administering to the needy in Estonia in order to give you the best possible answer upon my return.

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 May 04 - 10:10 AM

Dear Alona Lott,

You will no doubt be pleased to learn that I am no back in my surgery after sabbatical leave abroad and ready to answer both your and other patient's questions.

This matter of "regular" keys appears nearly every day, sometimes several times a day. As you have observed mandolin players, in particular, have a habit of being "regular" and it could indeed be something to do with all their chops. Also the banjo player's question indicates that he is mildly irregular and, indeed, this may be verified by close observation of either this individual or, indeed, any available banjo player.

I do believe that you can instinctively learn "regular keys" like the mandolinist. I think the real secret here is to know and to understand which keys are the constipated ones.

Bb is definitely a conspitated key and recent astronomical observations have indicated that it is universally so. Eb is also fairly constipated. You may verify this for yourself by viewing footage on the newsreel of jazz musicians. Notice how hard the brass players are straining to get a note from their instrument with their cheeks bloated and their eyes popping?

If you particularly avoid these highly constipated keys, and possibly also Ab and F which also have a tendancy towards compaction, then you will almost certainly find that you are "regular" and will be the friend of manolin players everywhere. Possibly the banjo player made this remark as the mandolin player may have been playing in a non-constipated key other than the midly irregular G, which is particularly reserved for banjo players.

I know this is a long explanation but, Dear Alona, I hope very much it will help you work things out.

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 May 04 - 10:19 AM

My Dear Patients,

As I have now reached 100 and in order to keep the elders of the Mudcat Cafe in good spirits, why do we not continue

Over here?

With very best regards,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 May 04 - 10:23 AM

Perhaps

Over there might be better?

Yours sincerely,

Dr Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ken
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 09:23 PM

I am having difficulty figuring out the finger roll pattern
that Merle Travis uses in Cannonball Rag.Can you explain. Please.
I know it is thumb and index finger. Others use thumb, index and middle finger.But what is the rotating pattern?