BS: MY NEW HAT

Subject: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: Jeep man
Date: 22 Oct 02 - 08:03 PM

I went down to the Wal-Mart Store the other day with the notion that I
ought to have a nice hat to keep my head warm. I have a good growth of skin
up there but it doesn't hold heat, so in cold weather my topside is chilly.I
had a little extra money from selling a heifer,and I wanted a really good
hat.

Well I walked into the store and right away it did not seem like Wal-Mart.
There seemed to be a lot of clothes and people and most of them were looking
at theirselves in the mirrors. Law, there must of been twenty mirrors all around the store.
. An ugly fat woman stood in front of three mirrors which showed her from
most all sides. She was turning around and back and forth looking at the dress she was trying.
. That dress was about four sizes too small.She looked like a cake that baked all out over the top of the pan and run down the sides. I got away from her lest she think I was staring.She probably can't help it cause she is fat and ugly, but she could stay home.


About then this little feller came up to me and said, "Good Morning,Sir, my name is Benny.I'll be your guide while you visit our store. How can I help you?" He was dressed real spiffy , even his shoes were shined. He had on a real tight suit which was the color of , well, it was pink.

Now, I don't need a guide to get around the Wal-mart. Maybe this was something new.
I said,"Well, I had the notion to buy a hat to keep my head warm, can you show me some hats"?

"Indeed I can", said Benny," what image would you like to project?"

I said "Whut"?

"Do you want others to think of you as a BOLD,DASHING TYPE.Or the Bon Vivant
devil may care playboy? Or maybe you are the thoughtful serious type?"

"I'd just as soon others just thought that my head was warm under my new hat"

Benny said, "You don't understand. Your hat should make a statement. It
should say, this is what I stand for.I am my own man. My hat says it all."

"I'd also just as soon it didn,t say too much. Just kept my head warm".

Benny was a real nice boy. He seemed to have trouble finding something to do with his hands. He would do this, and this, and acted kind of nervous.

Benny said,"Walk this way".(No I'm not going that road). I just followed
his little skip to the back of the store. Here was the hats. Hats, caps,
togoggans, bowlers, top hats, cowboy hats,derbys. Just about everything.

I started to ask Benny if I was for shore in Wal-Mart but he took me by the
arm and guided me to a table plumb full of hats. He took his hand from my
arm, I was wearing my winter wool huntin coat, and wiped his hand on a tissue.
I checked my coat real close. I guess whatever he had on him didn't get on me.

Bobby said,"What style of hat would you like, business hats, leisure hats,
work hats, cowboy hats and so forth"? "Do you want to attract the ladies?'

I said,"Do you think a cowboy hat would suit me?"

"OH judging from your rugged outdoor looks,your canvas pants and rubber boots,a cowboy hat would just fit like a crown"."What size do you prefer"?

He said that like I could have any size I wanted.
I said "I'd just as soon get the size that fits".

While he was rummaging thru the hats, I asked, "Benny do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"

Benny said, "Oh mercy yes. Her name is Margaret and we are Life Partners".

"Whats a Life Partner"?

He said, "We are committed to each other forever".

"Like you are married"?

He said, "Somewhat, but we are not married as far as the law is concerned".

I said, "So you and her are just shackin up"?

He said, "We consider that our souls are bonded deeper than any marriage".

"Still shackin up", I said to myself.


I asked him if Margaret had a job.

"Indeed she does", he replied, "She is a quite well known Lady Professional Wrestler."

I said, "Somehow, I knew that".

Then it dawned on me. "Could that be Maggie The Madison County Mauler?"

He said, "It surely is. My little Margaret is Maggie The Mauler."

"Well, I swann. I watched her last night on the TV. She beat up on Dallas Diamond Lil".

Bennie said, "Yes, it was on tape of course, we watched it while sharing a glass of wine in front of the
fire. I get so excited watching her perform, I could hardly be still. She showed me one of her secret holds".

I said, "We better not go any futher with that, did you find me a hat?"


Well, Benny he looked all thru all them hats and came up with this one. It fit real good and seemed warm.I looked at myself in a mirror and I just looked like me with a new hat on. Benny said I looked dashing

Benny turned out to be a real nice boy. When I said that my ears would still get cold, he brought out a pair of earmuffs to wear under the hat.That boy thinks of everything. He give me a high five and told me to keep watching for Maggie. I said I would.

I paid for the stuff and left feeling pretty good. I wondered who did the cooking and housework in Benny's home? I think I know.

And you know, I'm still not sure that I was in Wal-Mart.

Subject: RE: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: Sorcha
Date: 22 Oct 02 - 10:37 PM

LOL!! Jim, you are GREAT! You should write professionally if you don't already! (I am fairly sure you were not in Wally World....)

Subject: RE: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: khandu
Date: 22 Oct 02 - 10:42 PM

Amen, Sister Sorcha!

Excellent tale, Jeep! Maybe you can get a job writing for some of our politicians!

k

Subject: RE: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: Mark Clark
Date: 22 Oct 02 - 10:52 PM

Yes, great story. But don't let him write for politicians, they'd just get elected and we sure don't need any more politicians elected to office.

      - Mark

Subject: RE: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Oct 02 - 11:20 PM

Ya lost me on the fat jokes, Jeep. Permanently.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: Jeep man
Date: 23 Oct 02 - 11:38 AM

Sue, the fat lady was ugly which you are certainly not, and if you are fat, I sure cant tell. You are too good a friend for me to offend. If I have, I apologize. Jim

Subject: RE: BS: MY NEW HAT
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Oct 02 - 11:50 PM

No, nope, nada, nuts, and nuh uh. That kind of hurt, from a friend, nope, not more than once, period.

~S~