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Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines

wilco 05 Nov 02 - 01:19 PM
Leadfingers 05 Nov 02 - 02:26 PM
wilco 05 Nov 02 - 05:20 PM
Leadfingers 05 Nov 02 - 07:52 PM
GUEST,Chicken Charlie 05 Nov 02 - 09:15 PM
Joe_F 06 Nov 02 - 02:43 PM
The Fooles Troupe 21 Sep 03 - 11:14 PM
Rapparee 22 Sep 03 - 08:34 AM
M.Ted 22 Sep 03 - 02:48 PM
Jim Dixon 22 Sep 03 - 07:28 PM
M.Ted 22 Sep 03 - 08:57 PM
GUEST,AR282 22 Sep 03 - 10:07 PM
GUEST,.gargoyle 22 Sep 03 - 11:08 PM
M.Ted 23 Sep 03 - 11:21 AM
GUEST,Les B. 23 Sep 03 - 11:47 AM
JennyO 23 Sep 03 - 12:37 PM
Mark Ross 23 Sep 03 - 02:11 PM
GUEST,Big Jim from Jackson 23 Sep 03 - 03:50 PM
jeffp 23 Sep 03 - 04:03 PM
M.Ted 23 Sep 03 - 04:59 PM
Jim Dixon 01 Sep 11 - 05:51 PM
GUEST,jerry 29 Sep 11 - 02:48 PM
dick greenhaus 29 Sep 11 - 03:28 PM
Max Johnson 30 Sep 11 - 10:16 AM
GUEST 07 Dec 12 - 01:53 PM
GUEST,Tina 05 Apr 14 - 03:52 PM
MGM·Lion 27 Oct 15 - 02:47 PM
eftifino 28 Oct 15 - 10:00 AM
Rapparee 30 Mar 16 - 07:43 AM
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Subject: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: wilco
Date: 05 Nov 02 - 01:19 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


This might be different from UK to US, but I'm looking for a source for old vaudeville routines. Lots of long jokes that I use are just
re-cycled stuff from vaudeville. I hoped that the "long Joke" thread would give me some clues, but no luck there. I'm looking for new (to me) material. Thanks in advance.


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Nov 02 - 02:26 PM

The trouble is if its posted on the Cat everyone will have all the jokes.Would you rather they were PM'd to you?


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: wilco
Date: 05 Nov 02 - 05:20 PM

No PM, one good story told publicly usually generates another.


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Nov 02 - 07:52 PM

OK.Lad gets job in pub.First lunchtime in comes Duck,orders pint and cheese roll.Lad thinks ?Duck? He's a cutomer,make welcome.Duck says
'good beer,nice roll,I'll lunch here as long as the job lasts.Friday
night big crowd in,guy buying round says'nice pub.While circus is in town we'll drink here'.Lad says'Circus? want talking duck?'
The man says give him my card I'll keep him in work rest of life pay top wages.Next day lad gives card to duck with message re wages etc.
Duck says 'Whats a circus want with a plasterer?'
Is that bad/good enough to start????
Terry


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: GUEST,Chicken Charlie
Date: 05 Nov 02 - 09:15 PM

Civil War era US: Two Irishmen from the 69th New York Regiment pass each other on the street, recognizing each other by shamrocks on their hats.

#1: Goo'day, Pat!

#2: Top o' the mornin' to ya, Mike!

#1: But me name isn't Mike.

#2: And mine isn't Pat.

#1: What a shame, then it's neither of us.

--------------

Blackface Minstrel thing:

#1: Hey, I hear you got a job as a saleman.

#2: Sure did. Pays real good.

#1: What do you sell?

#2: I sell salt.

#1: Is that right? I'll be. I sell pepper.

#2: Shake!

CC

PS. You didn't specify FUNNY, did you?? But they are period.


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Subject: Lyr Add: MISTER GALLAGHER AND MISTER SHEAN
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Nov 02 - 02:43 PM

"How's the wife?"
"In bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"

*
MISTER GALLAGHER AND MISTER SHEAN
Words & music by Ed Gallagher & Al Shean
New York: Jack Mills, Inc., ©1922.

There are two funny men,
The best I've ever seen.
One is Mr. Gallagher; the other Mr. Shean.
When these two cronies meet,
It surely is a treat,
The things they say and the things they do,
And the funny way they greet.

1. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mister Gallagher!
Hello, what's on your mind this morning, Mr. Shean?
Everybody's making fun
Of the way our country's run,
All the papers say we'll soon live European.
Why, Mr. Shean! why, Mr. Shean!
On the day they took away our old canteen,
Cost of living went so high,
That it's cheaper now to die.
Positively, Mr. Gallagher!
Absolutely, Mr. Shean!

2. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
If you're a friend of mine, you'll lend me a couple of bucks.
I'm so broke and badly bent,
And I haven't got a cent,
I'm so clean you'd think that I was washed with Lux.
Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
Do you mean to say you haven't got a bean?
On my word as I'm alive,
I intended touching you for five.
Oh, I thank you, Mr. Gallagher!
You are welcome, Mr. Shean!

3. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Once I think I saw you save a lady's life.
In a rowboat out to sea,
You were a hero then to me,
And I thought perhaps you've made this girl your wife!
Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
As she sunk I dove down like a submarine!
Dragged her up upon the shore,
Now she's mine forever more!
Who, the lady, Mr. Gallagher?
No, the rowboat, Mr. Shean!

4. Oh, Mr. Gallagher! Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
What's the name of that game they play on the links?
With a stick they knock the ball,
Where you can't find it at all,
Then the caddie walks around and thinks and thinks?
Oh, Mr. Shean! Oh, Mr. Shean!
You don't even know a hazard from a green.
It's become a popular game,
And you don't even know its name.
Sure, it's croquet, Mr. Gallagher?
No, lawn tennis, Mr. Shean!


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Sep 03 - 11:14 PM

This is not quite the same as the Cornpone humour thread, but it hasn't had many contributions as yet, and I thought there should/could be more...

Robin


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 08:34 AM

The old vaudeville spots were ad libbed, but derived from set peices. Thus, one vaudevillean could work with another if something untoward happened to his or her partner.

"Larry's drunk, so I'm working with you, Sam."

"Fine. Wanna lead off with the ostrich bit?"

"Okay, and follow that with 'Eggs'."

Like musicians planning a gig:

"Let's hit 'em with Maui first, and then Elinor."

Some of the old vaudevilleans had memorized literally hundreds of sketches and could even segue from one to another if the first was falling flat with the audience -- something you can't do with songs. I mean, realizing halfway through it that "John Peel" isn't clicking with the audience and switching to the middle of "John Henry" won't usually work very well.

My brother Ted and I can do this to a small extent:

"Shall we join the ladies?"
"Oh yes! Let's join the ladies and make one BIG lady!"


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: M.Ted
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 02:48 PM

In Vaudville, the performers generally had a act that was written, rehearsed, and polished, which they took with them, sets, musical arrangements, and all, from town to town. Burlesque was low budget, though, and Burlesque comics, typically worked and travelled in teams(a la Abbott and Costello)--They worked from a book that they carried with them, which consisted of comic scenes, mostly culled from theatrical plays. which hey would re-stage scenes in each theater, filling out the routine with whoever happened to be hanging around in the theater("Gypsy" fans will remember the scene where the stripper "Mazzeppa" says, "I don't do scenes", whereupon Rose Louise says that she'll do it)--

If you want authentic material, you wouldn't go far wrong but looking up everything that Abbott and Costello did--they were credited with keeping the old burlesque routines alive, because most of their material was straight from the old burleque stage. They didn't literally keep it alive, of course, but they did keep it in front of the national audience, first on the radio, then in films and on TV. There were still comics doing what they had always done on the Burlesque circuit at least into the seventies(I am not an expert in this stuff at all, but I used to run into some of the old performers when I worked on passenger trains back then)--


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 07:28 PM

"Niagara Falls!"
"Slowly I turned, step by step..."


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: M.Ted
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 08:57 PM

Or look for this book:

The Best Burlesque Sketches: As Adapted for Sugar Babies and Other Entertainers
by Ralph G Allen ISBN: 1557831890

Allen wrote the hit "Sugar Babies" from the more than 1800 burlesque sketches that he collected as an academic--basically, a theater folklorist--in fact, his credit on Sugar Babies is often given as "Adapted by Ralph G. Allen from traditional material"

This book is out of print, at least as far as I know, and hard to find, but is the only collection that I have heard of of this material, save the actual sketchbooks that the comics used to keep--

Oh, I almost forgot, you actually wanted some material!-Here are three gags you've heard before:



First Bit:

Injured Man crosses stage in assorted bandages and casts.)

Comic: What happened to you?
Injured Man: I was living the life of Riley.
Comic: And?
Injured Man: Riley came home!

Second Bit:

(A Buxom Girl drops her purse, and a Comic tries to politely return it.)

Comic: I beg your pardon.
Girl: What the hell are you begging for? You're old enough to ask for it.

Third Bit:

(Minister walks up to a beautiful young woman.)

Minister: Do you believe in the hereafter?
Woman: Certainly, I do!
Minister: (Leering) Then you know what I'm here after!


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: GUEST,AR282
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 10:07 PM

2 guys at a bar.

1st man: "Hey buddy, you're alright. Whaddaya do for a living?"

2nd man: "Me? I'm a lawyer."

1st man: [snarls] "I hate lawyers! Lawyers ruined my life! Lawyers destroyed my marriage! Lawyers ruined my business! I think lawyers are all a bunch of stupid asses!"

2nd man: "Sir, I can see that you're drunk and so I'm going to leave."

[Walks away]

1st man: "You heard me! Lawyers are a bunch of stupid asses!"

3rd man: "Sir, I heard what you said about lawyers and I'll have you know I resent it!"

1st man: "You another lawyer?"

3rd man: "No, I'm a stupid ass."


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 11:08 PM

M. Ted -

My standup comic routines are so stilted, and pathetic, they resemble locomotar-ataxia ....it is so bad I used to whistel at crossings.

Don't ask...I won't tell

Seriously, if you are looking for the "original" good-stuff, hit the used book sellers and find the volumes pre-1940's...they fall under names like, Thesaurus of Humor or 10,000 Jokes and Toasts....the humor is AWFUL!!!!By the age of 18 I had a dozen or more of the volumes....I couldn't and I still can't do a decent routine.

Generally, they have sections and sub-sections like:

Human Beings
Existence
Life
Birth
Stork
Age
Birthday
Second Childhood
Death
Suicide
Undertake
Funeral
Cemetery
Ghost
Rincarnation
Widow
Mourning
Last Will and Testament
Insurance

And it goes on and On and ON...for a thousand plus pages in Five Hundred catagories in each volume.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: M.Ted
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 11:21 AM

Funny you should mention those wonderful old joke books, Gargoyle--I was just recollecting about the ones that Bennet Cerf used to edit with a friend the other day--amazingly, they are all out of print, and have been for years--as you say, the humor is awful, which makes it even more funny--

Like you, I never could manage to get the hang of actually telling any of the jokes. I am told, though, that the secret to telling bad jokes is to be really loud--

Anyway, here's a new one:

Man: Who are you voting for in the Governor's Race?

Other Man: Gray Davis.

Man: Why?

Other man: I don't recall.


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 11:47 AM

You can find the above mentioned book at Alibris on the web.

"The Best Burlesque Sketches: As Adapted for Sugar Babies and Other Entertainers"
by Allen, Ralph (Editor), and Larkin, Peter (Illustrator)
Here is the first-ever collection of classic comic sketches from the bawdy, rowdy world of our slum music halls! Habitues of Burlesque (and sons of habitues) will revel in the boisterous stock scenes and blackouts of this uniquely American form of popular entertainment. Features a foreword by Dick Martin.
buy used: from $10.15!
buy new: from $11.01!


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: JennyO
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 12:37 PM

My grandfather had records of Mack and Moran, blackface comedians who called themselves the Two Black Crows. There are only two bits I remember, and I suspect it was from "The Two Black Crows in Hades".

There was a routine where one said something like -
"I'll meet you on the corner. If I get there first I will put a blue spot, and if you get there first, you can rub it out."

The other bit I remember was one of them saying "If I never see you again, it will be ever so much too soon!"

Anyone got any more of their stuff?

Jenny


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: Mark Ross
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 02:11 PM

"I'm going down to the pigpen."
"OK, wear your hat so's I'll know you."

"Get away from that wheelbarrow. You know you don't know nothing about machinery!"

When I got a chance to work with Snuffy Jenkins and Pappy Sherrill
they did a lot of old routines that probably came from the old minstrel shows.

Pappy would say something denigrating about Snuffy(I forget exactly what), and Snuffy would reply, "That's nothing but propaganda!"
Pappy; "You don't even know the meaning of that word."
Snuffy: "Oh yes I do. How long have you and your wife been married?"
Pappy: "35 years."
Snuffy: "Do you have any children?"
Pappy: "No."
Snuffy: "Well I'd say that your wife might be a proper goose, but you ain't no propaganda!"
And then on to the next tune.

Mark Ross


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: GUEST,Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 03:50 PM

I heard the "Gallager and Shean" routeen done by Uncle Josh on an old 78rpm. He also recorded on cylinder records. His stuff would be worth your while if you can find it.


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: jeffp
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 04:03 PM

A friend of mine had a Two Black Crows record and the only joke I can recall from it went like this:

I can play anything on this trumpet.

You can't play anything on that trumpet!

Yes, I can play anything on this trumpet!

You can't play piano on that trumpet!


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/ vaudville joke routines
From: M.Ted
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 04:59 PM

Some of these jokes are minstrel show lines, such as:

"I don' go down by the grabeyard, dass where the dead people live!"

Thanks for the Alibris link,Les--if they've got it, I'll get it--


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Sep 11 - 05:51 PM

Speaking of the song MISTER GALLAGHER AND MISTER SHEAN—the lyrics of which were posted in this thread back on 06-Nov-2002—did you know Gallagher and Shean were real people? (OK, you would have known that if you had read the byline.)

More trivia: Al Shean (real name: Abraham Schönberg) was the uncle of the Marx Brothers. Gallagher and Shean's legendary backstage fighting was the inspiration for Neil Simon's play The Sunshine Boys (1972; film version 1975 starring Walter Matthau and George Burns).

You can see the sheet music at the web site of the Archive of Popular Music at UCLA. (Click for a PDF.) I suspect that's where Joe_F got the lyrics.

You can hear Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) sing it at The Internet Archive. They stick very close to the original lyrics (which is unusual for them).


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: GUEST,jerry
Date: 29 Sep 11 - 02:48 PM

A burlesque house. Comedian 1 enters from the rear of the orchestra holding a bunch of baloons and yelling "rubber baloons." A buxom girl walks on stage (the set is a doctors office) and faints onto the floor. Comedian 2 in a white coat runs onstage, kneels by the girl, looks out at the audience and pleads to the audience, "What do I do?" Comedian 1 returns with the balloons walking up the aisle yelling,"Rubber baloons."


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 29 Sep 11 - 03:28 PM

Just watchany Benny Hill re-runs. Pure (more or less) classic Burlesque humor.


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: Max Johnson
Date: 30 Sep 11 - 10:16 AM

Some of the Vaudeville/Music Hall acts who worked in film took some great routines with them.
For instance, I remember a very slick and very funny Flanegan and Allen routine in which they swindle someone out of a five pound note in a pub.

Can't remember the title of the film, alas.


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Dec 12 - 01:53 PM

Found this site today,

Wonder if any old "coots" "R" around

That could offer any help toward an old routine

Goes something like this......

2 guys meet on the street,

One fella says to the oth'r fella

"We should get together..You can meet my wife"

The other fella says "I would like to meet your wife"

One fella replays "Oh ya want to meet my wife"

"Why would you want to meet her? She is a terrible person"

"Every Friday nite I have to throw my salary in the door

before she lets me come in."

This routine carries on with Mother in Law, Sister in Law etc.

I know, I know, sounds like not worth hearing but believe me they

delivered this in a rapid pace that in olden days was funny.

    You guys must think this guy belongs in a looney bin.

                            Thanks for reading, Jerry


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: GUEST,Tina
Date: 05 Apr 14 - 03:52 PM

I' looking for info about a routine that hade a repetitive line, "last night the wind came."


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 27 Oct 15 - 02:47 PM

LoL! Why, that's the best one yet.

         


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: eftifino
Date: 28 Oct 15 - 10:00 AM

Irish comedians used to get good mileage out of this one. It's in the 'Whose on first" genre:

A father cobbler is introducing his rather simple son to shoemaking.

Dad: Now, Son, the first thing you get is the last.
son: How can the first thing you get be the last?
Dad: The last is what you get first.
Son: So what do you get last?
dad: that's First!
Son: So what is?
dad: Your Grandfather's old Iron Foot.
son: I didn't know he was disabled.
Dad: No, Granddad's old Iron Foot is the last.
son: Which comes First?
Dad: that's right. Good. You're getting the hang of it. Now, Hide.
Son: Hide? Why should I hide? I've done nothin'
Dad: No, son, Hide, Hide, the Cow's outside.
Son: Well, Don't bring the damned thing in!

I suppose you had to be there!


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Subject: RE: Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 16 - 07:43 AM

My brother Ted, now passed away, toured with the Toby and Susie show. He met some of the great old timers, including Bob Hope and Red Skelton, on a professional to professional level and learned some of the arts of pacing and delivery from them. He knew Jimmy Davis as a friend, and at Ted's funeral some of the old company came by.

Sure wish he was still around.


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