The reproductive capacity of bodhrans

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Bill
Date: 07 Dec 02 - 06:08 AM

I have had two for some years and they don't appear to breed but then they are on the wall in the spare bedroom and stopping there.
Bill (the sound)

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: artbrooks
Date: 06 Dec 02 - 06:47 PM

Well, I always thought Claire was a pretty wild beater...and ya can't beat that lady's clogging!! You don't even need a drum when she's dancing!!!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Davetnova
Date: 06 Dec 02 - 06:15 PM

Introducing the niave young things to oral sex can work wonders. Once a bohdran discovers the pleasures to be had when fully inserted into their players mouth, they lose all interest in purely reproductive pursuits.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,The Bucks
Date: 06 Dec 02 - 08:55 AM

I am a pure-bred billy goat, I'd never deny who I am
I was fed on good grass and the sweetest of oats in fields near the River Bann
But glory, me boys, does await me, when I shuffle off my oul' coil
To send out a beat to good music so sweet, The Blackbird, The Oul' Plains of Boyle
Hooray me boys hooray, just rip the oul' skin off my bones
And the sun it will shine in the harvest time, when I am a bodhran drum

The life of a billy-goat's pleasant, when reared on good thistles and sward
The odd little sniff at a nanny, no billy could ever be bored
But when the grim reaper he beckons, we follow with no looking back
For the love of good music we martyrs will die for the ceol agus craic
Hooray me boys hooray, just rip the oul' skin off my bones
And the sun it will shine in the harvest time, when I am a bodhran drum

The oul' farmer's face it was haggard, he looked me right straight in the eye
Says he, me boul' bill it's me duty to kill and yours not to question but die
Says I me boul' farmer don't worry, I'm ready to meet my sad fate
A hullabaloo and a jolly tattoo on my hide soon the drummers will bate
Hooray me boys hooray, just rip the oul' skin off my bones
And the sun it will shine in the harvest time, when I am a bodhran drum

The human folk talk of St Peter, who'll meet them at Heaven's Pearl Gates
But billy goats talk of the beater and dream of our hides getting' bate
To tunes like The Kid On The Mountain, The Kesh and the Oranmore Bucks
In death we're more useful than living; for dying we don't give an ex-bleat-ive deleted
Hooray me boys hooray, just rip the oul' skin off my bones
And the sun it will shine in the harvest time, when I am a bodhran drum

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 06 Dec 02 - 04:02 AM

Ye girls, ye!

Keep 'er lit!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Claire and Sharon in Arizona
Date: 05 Dec 02 - 01:24 PM

Not quite on the topic of bodhran reproduction, but .....here's our
contribution. Although Claire wasn't ever a "wild" beater, we thought it would make a good story and may incorporate it into our gigs. She did buy her new drum, a Brendan White that she loves, from Eoin O'Neill at Custy's after only 8 hours on the Isle.


I've been a wild beater for many's the year
and I spent all my money on bodhrans and beer
From Ireland returned with drum in great store
Swore I never will be a wild beater no more.

    And it's no nay never....no nay never no more,
    will I beat on the bodhran, no never no more
      

I went into Custy's, where I'd like to frequent
I told Eoin O'Neill that my money was spent
I asked for a bodhran, he answered me nay
Your kind of custom, I can get every day

    And it's no nay never....no nay never no more,
    will I beat on the bodhran, no never no more
      
I pulled from my pocket, 10 soveriegns bright
and Mr O'Neills eyes lit up with delight
He said I've got tippers and drums of the best
Those words that I spoke were only in jest
         
    And it's no nay never....no nay never no more,
    will I beat on the bodhran, no never no more

I'll go back to my band, confess what I've done,
and ask them to pardon their prodigal daughter
And when they harass me as oft times before
I never will be a wild beater no more.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Dec 02 - 04:51 AM

Those things don't breed, Chippies make them. Too often.

How could they possibly breed? They have a diaphragn NAILED on.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Boab
Date: 05 Dec 02 - 03:35 AM

All youse bodhran thumpers an' bashers stand aside---this is for those who PLAY. I listened--live--- to three [bonnie] lassies giving a house concert the other night, and was enthralled by their acapella version of "Deeper Well". I say "acapella", but stretch the truth a little, for yon wee dark-haired damsel Ruth Moodie , of The Wailin' Jennies[they have a website] carried it along on one of the finest 14" bodhrans I've ever heard or clapped eyes on. And couldn't she just make it talk! If Ruth's bodhran ever has any offspring, I've reserved the first of the litter! An Eckermann drum [Austria], with a very ingenious tuning system. There's a web site there too----

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Ronnie Drew
Date: 04 Dec 02 - 07:46 AM

If I might just get another wee one in here?

Oh Father dear I often hear you speak of Erin's Isle
Her lofty scenes and valleys green, her music fierce and wild
They say it is a lovely land for musicianers to dwell
But why did you abandon it? The reason to me tell

Oh son I loved my native home with energy and pride
I played a session Sundays with John Hoy and Tom McBride
I'd play the Stack of Barley and I'd sing the Braes of Screen
But there's a cruel reason why I left oul' Skibbereen

It's well I do remember that fateful winter's day
When an amadán on his bodhrán proceeded for to play
He hadn't got a feature that ever would redeem
And that's the cruel reason why I left oul' Skibbereen

Your mother too God rest her soul was handy on the box
She'd play oul' Kitt'y's Rambles and The Flower of the Flock
But the way thon buck-o put her off, It nearly made me scream
And that's the cruel reason why I left oul' Skibbereen

And insult adds to injury, he produced a shaky egg
To have him shove it up his hole I was nearly forced to beg
Says I the hen that laid thon egg, it never should have been
And that's the cruel reason why I left oul' Skibbereen

Then bongos and djembes and a bloody big Lambeg!
Says I, you're taking liberties, you're pulling my oul' leg
Bones and spoons and cowbells then – it seemed like a bad dream
And that's the cruel reason why I left oul' Skibbereen

I couldn't take it any more and from that day to this
I gave each session a wide berth, each sing-song I would miss
My fiddle hangs above the fire – no jigs, no slides, no reels
And that's the cruel reason why I left oul' Skibbereen

Ah father dear the time will come when on vengeance we will call
And musicmen from North and South will rally unto the call
We'll shove their drums and beaters where the daylight's never been
And loud and high we'll raise the cry Revenge For Skibbereen

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Dec 02 - 07:22 AM

Exhausted!?

Jesus! We haven't even scratched the surface!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 03 Dec 02 - 01:49 PM

Having exhausted every conceivable angle for bodhran bashing, perhaps the erudite minds of this board could be persuaded to satire fiddle gunslingers.

"Whal, Tex, ahm the faistest player in these hyar parts."

"Shee-hoot, Clem, I kin turn out the lights in a room and play 6 o' them fiddle reels afore the room gits dark."

"Thar may be 36 other players in this circle, Tex, but ahm a callin' you out. Let's rip on them fiddle-only reels - and the first one tuh finish wins."

[Indistinguishable, unmelodic cuisinart of notes follows]

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Paddy Tunney
Date: 03 Dec 02 - 07:04 AM

The oul' bodhran's gettin' some quare stick! Here's a wee attempt to redress the balance.

Bit o' whisht, there!

And while I'm at it, could some craytur get me a bottle and half-un? My oul' gaper's that dry you'd think I'd been lickin' Right Guard!

Good luck to all here, now, barrin' thon goat
Who's still proudly wearin' his oul' shaggy coat
We'll soon put the bleatin' clane out o' his head
We'll skin him and tan him the instant he's dead
We'll cure his oul' hide and we'll gaily tattoo
And all round the rim we'll scratch seán nós abú
Such drummin' you'll never yet hear nor yet see
As we'll raise from the goats around Tandragee

So here's to the goats that are smelly and rank
Their oul' matted beards are all crusty and lank
But their hides add great value to diddle-ee-dee
Those hairy buck-goats around Tanderagee

You've heard of the famed Cozy Powell I'm sure
And oul' Buddy Rich is a rhythmical hoor
But give an oul' bodhran to one of thon two
And the buggers would not know a damn what to do
They'd houl the oul' b'ater like it was a club
And leather away, they would pound and they'd drub
But the noise that would issue would grieve your poor ears
And cause the trad player to weep bitter tears

So here's to the goats that are smelly and rank
Their oul' matted beards are all crusty and lank
But their hides add great value to diddle-ee-dee
Those hairy buck-goats around Tanderagee

Ringo McDonagh can hit 'er a welt
And Gino Lupari can give a quare belt
(They say when he dies that they'll cure his big tum
And cover the frame of an oul' Lambeg drum!)
Christy can patter and Kathy can rowl
And vary the tone when they give 'er a boul
Oul' Malachy's drums are an grá geal mo chroí
When sporting fine hides from roun' Tandragee

So here's to the goats that are smelly and rank
Their oul' matted beards are all crusty and lank
But their hides add great value to diddle-ee-dee
Those hairy buck-goats around Tanderagee

So not to detain you I'll end my oul' song
The oul' bodhran's been slagged and I think that it's wrong
This percussive oul' instrument's got a bad name
That attaches to hide and to tipper and frame
In the wrong hands, it's the devil's own curse
Like the bongo, the djembe, or instruments worse
But played with great feeling, it fills you with glee
And no more gleeful hide than from Tandragee

So here's to the goats that are smelly and rank
Their oul' matted beards are all crusty and lank
But their hides add great value to diddle-ee-dee
Those hairy buck-goats around Tanderagee

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: So'sYourMom
Date: 02 Dec 02 - 11:57 PM

It's entirely loonitick ye's all are, then. Love it, Especially the songs!

BUT (an' ye want a true treat), use the "Translate This Page" button at the bottom of the thread and read it in (whatever). French is especially hazardous to the back muscles!

In-(censored)-credible!

(Whoops! Time for me meds again!)

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Morticia
Date: 02 Dec 02 - 07:05 PM

Well, I did have a celibate bodrhan( nasty business with a very uncouth beater,she doesn't like to talk about it but suffice to say there were tears before bedtime)....but when in Dublin last week a little orphan bodrhan followed me home....it's little upturned face looking so guileless and sad, what could I do?

So although I now appear to have a mummy and a baby bodrhan, no gestation was involved.....oooh, so near to Christmas too.....you don't suppose.....?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,William J. Wolfe
Date: 02 Dec 02 - 05:49 PM

*What have bodhrans ever done for us,
* apart from the headaches, the bad rhythm,
* the loud noise ...

In Camelot, the great King john was reputed to have said:

"Ask not what the bodhran has done for you, ask only what is to be done about the bodhran"

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Dec 02 - 02:03 PM

...bunch of skewers held together with rubber O rings which slide up and down. Will this lead to a new sub-species of bodhran?

Yes, Jenny! by the sounds of it, the new sub-species will be into a little S&M!**bg**

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 02 Dec 02 - 01:23 PM

I've only got one bodhran, in my case it's the tippers that are multiplying, and as they do, they are mutating into strange colours and shapes, such as the green brush, and one made with a bunch of skewers held together with rubber O rings which slide up and down. Will this lead to a new sub-species of bodhran?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Basil Brush
Date: 02 Dec 02 - 11:03 AM

the best form of bodhran revolution is if they just rolled off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Sorcha
Date: 30 Nov 02 - 07:58 PM

I really think it must be the tippers; Mr has three, and has gone through three bodhrans..............LOL, this is too funny. But, I have to say in defense of bodhrans, I really do love a good one.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Dipsodeb
Date: 30 Nov 02 - 07:30 PM

ooopps Derry, ye might have offended the Bodrhan Goddess, who watches over the births and developement of all Bodrhans. She is a vengeful deity and has a particular penchant for interminable diddlys, who have aged beyond their years and have got amnesia and forgotten that music is for all to participate in and that Bodrhan nurserys are an essential part of development.
Dipso

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: rock chick
Date: 30 Nov 02 - 07:12 PM

There's naught as queer as Folk and naught as grand a music, put both together and you have the start of something exceptional for everyone, well almost, but you will always find the odd one or two who complain, occasional about something, like the Bodhran or Banjos, unfortunately these are normally fellow musicians! These we can do without, folk music is a mix of all types of music. In fact Bodhran comes from the word thunder because of the soound it makes, of course, it's only now that we use the beater and the other hand to dampen the sound and to get the very differnt ranges of sounds, thank yourselves lucky we don't bang it like thunder, there again Derrymacash you may find yourself surround by a very unhappy family of Bodhran who I have been informed have been very hurt by your comments! BEWARE ;o/

rc

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: gnu
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 04:34 PM

I had one give birth right on the fireplace mantle. Chip off the old block - has the exact same family crest on it ! But it must be a punker, what with all them steel piercings around it's middle. Now, the synthetic one that followed me home from a music shop has yet to spawn... perhaps it's sterile, like them cloned sheep.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Mr Happy
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 12:49 PM

or even better-razorwire!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Mr Happy
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 12:48 PM

should make the beaters from polstyrene!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: artbrooks
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 11:56 AM

Gee...I have one of those, but I never knew it had a song about it!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 11:47 AM

Ah holy Jaysis! I'm getting' some quare shtick after my wee go at re-writin' Cúnla there up above. Sure wasn't I only commenting on poor bodhran batterin', not bodhrans per se! But the falk I'm getting' at the minute … sure I had an aisier time when I was acting as unofficial spokesman for the Republican movement!

Any road up, Ronnie started a wee number a while ago there – how're you Ronnie? ("Middling to raysonable, Christy, you big buck-eejit!") – and I sat down with a wee half-size pen out of the bookies and ripped the picture of a beer-mat and scribbled this wee hymn to the bodhran, by way of following his lead.

And here – before I start – is there any chance of a wee swallow? My oul' tongue's like an emery board, so it is!

They say that the bongos make music that's quare
The sound of a tom-tom is hard to compare
If it's drumming you want you'll find no drum so rare
Than the drums that they make down in Roundstone

The boul' Malachy, he makes drums for me
For ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pee
Stick your hand in your pocket and I'll guarantee
That you'll never from that day feel lonesome

The jazzers have bongos, the prods have lambegs
Whose rattlin' is reckoned to frighten the taigs
And some play the spoons and some they shake eggs
But there's none houls a candle to Roundstone

The boul' Malachy, he makes drums for me
For ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pee
Stick your hand in your pocket and I'll guarantee
That you'll never from that day feel lonesome

Castanets, bones and the boul' tambourine
Clackers, marrackers, are frequently seen
But they're put in the shade when oul' Ringo or Gino
Produces the drum made in Roundstone

The boul' Malachy, he makes drums for me
For ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pee
Stick your hand in your pocket and I'll guarantee
That you'll never from that day feel lonesome

The boul' Cathy Jordan has got a quare voice
But to tell you the truth, boys, if I had a choice
I'd far rather hear her create a great noise
On the drums that they make down in Roundstone

The boul' Malachy, he makes drums for me
For ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pee
Stick your hand in your pocket and I'll guarantee
That you'll never from that day feel lonesome

Sit in on a session wherever you roam
And musicians will soon make you feel right at home
As soon as you pull out your tunable drum
That was handmade by Kearns down in Roundstone

The boul' Malachy, he makes drums for me
For ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pee
Stick your hand in your pocket and I'll guarantee
That you'll never from that day feel lonesome

To hell with begrudgers, as Behan would say
Cherish your bodhran and batter away
Drown out so-called musicians who barely can play
With your drum that was made down in Roundstone

The boul' Malachy, he makes drums for me
For ninety nine pounds and ninety nine pee
Stick your hand in your pocket and I'll guarantee
That you'll never from that day feel lonesome

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: cyder_drinker
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 11:45 AM

Here is the book most of 'em seem to have read...

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: rock chick
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 11:23 AM

most of us play other instruments also, so get real Greycap

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Greycap
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 10:14 AM

Definition of a drummer - a person who hangs out with musicians.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 10:05 AM

Opps! Sorry forgot to put me name, and that's not because I play Bodhran either, cause I'm a proud parent of a beautiful healthy rhythmic bodhran. :0))))

rock chick

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 10:01 AM

Now being the mother of a beautiful plain Bodhran, I would agree with some of your comments, but you are a bit harsh, yes nothing is more annoying than people who just come along and think that looks easy I buy one and have a go, in their case euthanasia is the best answer, put them, and it out of it's misery, however those that are healthy and have good rhythm should be allowed to breed, with the use of family planning of course, and like all children who have a good parent/s they hopefully grow up to be good Bodhran, of course you will always get the drop outs that's life.

This instrument is greatly under rated, often in session people want to hear it being PLAYED, and I mean played not banged, so come on you Bodhran players, UNITE Lets start a Bodhran Revolution

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Shane MacGowan
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 08:55 AM

Nice one, Chrishty, y'oul bollix.

But shove over sideways there and let a real songwriter show you how it's done.

Hi! Could some hoor get me a bottle and a half-un? My throat's as dry as Mat Talbot's wake!

As I went down to Galway town to seek for recreation
On the seventeenth of August, me mind bein' elevated
If I'd known the crack I'd have soon turned back, as you'll hear in this narration
Some amadán with his bodhran disturbed my relaxation
With me whack-fol-de-doo-fol-de-diddle-ee-aye-dil-ay

I poked my nose in Neachtain's at a quarter past eleven
There was ceol and ól and on my soul I felt I was in heaven
Some sessioneers unpacked their gear, a shower of God's own brethren
For an hour or more the music soared and everything was pleasant
With me whack-fol-de-doo-fol-de-diddle-ee-aye-dil-ay

But I regret the moment yet the drummer made his entry
If I'd have knew the harm he'd do, I'd have posted out a sentry
"Do you mind, squire" your man inquired "If I provide percussion?"
Damn his hide, the hoorin' spide's in need of some concussion
With me whack-fol-de-doo-fol-de-diddle-ee-aye-dil-ay

He battered out at random and he battered right'n loudly
The less he played in rhythm, the more he hammered proudly
He pounded out to jigs and reels and when I stood up to sing-o
Says I "Could someone make a call and get a houl' of Ringo?"
With me whack-fol-de-doo-fol-de-diddle-ee-aye-dil-ay

The sessioneers packed up their gear, they couldn't stand the racket
He'd put them off the Stack of Oats and ruined The Torn Jacket
He'd made a mess of the Cuckoo's Nest and spoiled the Yellow Wattle-o
If I'd strength enough I'd grab his scruff and gladly I would throttle-o
With me whack-fol-de-doo-fol-de-diddle-ee-aye-dil-ay

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 07:12 AM

The boys!

Here's a wee number to be goin' on with!

Can somebody set me up a wee drink, there! My thrapple's as dry as a nun's gusset!

Who is that there that's throwing me out of time?
Who is that there that's throwing me out of time?
Who is that there that's throwing me out of time?
Only me , says Cúnla

Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Maybe I will, says Cúnla

When playing a reel who's b'atin' a jig to me?
Playing a reel who's b'atin' a jig to me?
Playing a reel who's b'atin' a jig to me?
Only me, says Cúnla

Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Maybe I will, says Cúnla

Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham, Hollydale
Donnybrook, Sandymount, Ligoniel, Flowery Vale
Yer gub hangin' open an' puffin' a force 8 gale?
Only me, says Cúnla

Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Maybe I will, says Cúnla

Rashers and eggs and lashings of sausages
Alligator, alligator – Jaysus you've lost us!
It's aisy to hear you weren't taught at the Comhaltas
Beggin' yer pardon says Cúnla

Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Cúnla dear, don't play that yoke near to me
Maybe I will, says Cúnla

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Andy Irvine
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 07:09 AM

Houl' on till yer drawers, there Liam! Here's the oul bollix only after comin' through the door.

Chrishty - ye b'y ye - plank your ass down here beside me and give us a while of your oul crack!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 07:08 AM

Jayz, Andy ... you'd have thought oul' Chrishty woulda torned up by now wi' a stupid wee song, wouldn't you though?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Declan
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 07:06 AM

They haven't gone away, you know.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 07:03 AM

Bring Back the Bongos.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Hrothgar
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 04:00 AM

Beam them up, Scotty!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Kaleea
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 03:26 AM

Little did the earthlings know that out in space . . .
         
             "Uhura!"
             "Yes, Captain Kirk?"
             "What are you & Scotty doing over there all this time?"
             "Well, Captain, we were, uh, ... you see, ..."
             "Captain, Ah'm afrrrraid it's all my fault, we, uh ..."
             "Scotty, tell...me...what do you... mean it's...
             your fault?"
             "Captain, Scotty merely asked me to a certain
             frequency,and we ran across this interesting dialog
             and, I'm afraid that we might have caused a slight
             hitch in the time continuum."
             "Scotty, what... does she ... mean ...a ...slight ...
             hitch ...in the ...time...con--tinuum?!"
             "Captain, do ye rrrememberrrr that time when we had a
             wee bit o' trib, uh, Ah mean, trrrrouble with the
             trrrransporterrr when we werrre trrrying to trrransport
             those wee beasties?"
             "Wee...beasties,...Mr. ...Scott?"
             "Aye, Captain. The wee furrrry beasties."
             "You don't, ... by...any chance mean...the, uh, ...
               Mr. ...Scott ...!!"
             "Aye, Captain."
             "How ... could... this...have happened, Mr. .. Scott?"
             "Well, ya seee, Captain, uh, do ye rrrrememberrrr
               those Irrrish musicians we had trrrransported a bit
               earrrrlierrr that day to another ship?"
             "You mean, ... those ... drummers, ... Mr. ... Scott?"
             "Aye, Captain! Ah'm afrrrraid that when we sent those
               Irrrrish musicians, the molecules o' theirrr
               instrrruments may ha' been in the trrranporrrterrrrr
               bufferrrs the whole time, and then when we trrrried
               to trrransport the wee beasties, welll, Captain,
               theirr molecules may ha' been a wee bit scrrrambllld
               wi' the instrrruments, so, ye see, Captain, we may ha'
               sent 'em back in time, welll, onto earrrrth, in the
               past, sirrr!"
             "Uhura, ... just ... what ... year ...do...you and...
               Mr. ...Scott, uh ...what earth ...year...were they ...
               transported to?"
             "Well, Captain, Scotty & I believe that it was
               aproximately the very late 1900's, or possibly as late
               as the year 2000 or so."

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Tom Hamilton Bordhran player, sorry folks
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 02:42 AM

It's the same with these Banjos, they have babies as well along with Accordians.
I haven't an answer however I have three bodhrans in my house, a big one and two small ones, a son and a daughter.
So you can say that I breed them.

Sorry folks
for being a dirty breeder

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 02:35 AM

But surely a bodhrain is just a banjo that's come out of the closet.....

LTS

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: smallpiper
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 08:27 PM

I of course posses the ultimate weapon against bodhranii - yes you've gessed it - the Great Highland Bag Pipe. Played with gusto and with the usual rythmic grace (ahem!) bodhranii flee in terror (along with everyone else naturally). Ho Hum!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Snuffy
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 08:10 PM

And here's me been thinkin all these years that them boys were banjo eggs

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Ivagot de'Beat
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 07:59 PM

Excuse me, please, for not entering my name, as your GUEST. The omission was quite unintentional, I assure you.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 07:58 PM

Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bodhranii
& Center for Bodhranii Reproductive Freedom
100 Rhythm Circle
Drumover, Gaea Island

Dear Sirs and Madams,

It has come to our attention, through the alert notification of a clandestine member of our august group, that certain members of your nefarious organisation have been extolling the virtues of violence against those glorious hoops of our Mother's Voice, more commonly known as the Bodhranii.

Be it know by ye all who are now present: we stand firm in our committment to protect Bodhranii everywhere. Let you be on notice, from this day forward: undue, cruel and unusual use of the notorious tipper against any Bodhranii will serve as a clarion call to our forces. We shall rise en masse to end such degradation. We shall be a force to reckon with and the loss will be to those among you who continue to vent your vile anger against the delicate membrane of the Bodhrannii vocality. Be ware!

Know ye also, our related organisation, the Center for Bodhranii Reproductive Freedom, is watching, from the hedgrows, back of the bogs, in the privacy of your own homes.

IF they find even one instance of someone trying to prevent the Bodhranii their natural expression of physical love, that very act of furthering the Mother's natural world, and IF they find any, it hurts to even write this, any instances of Bodhranii kits being drowned, the full fury and wrath of the Mother shall visit upon such perpetrators a storm of horrible dimensions, bring about cataclysmic rains, torrential downpours, howling winds of hellhounds, and all manner of your worst nightmares.

Thus it is, we write to insist that you immediately Cease and Desist the beatings, the prevention of love, the chilling of offspring and learn to embrace your brothers and sisters, the Bodhranii, for we are all children of our Mother, the Earth.

Sincerely,

Ivagot de'Beat, President

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 07:53 PM

Red ones take about 5 years to produce a smaller if louder progeny.

Now the Maturity question -- is this of the bodhran or the bodhran player?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Gareth
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 06:39 PM

Hmmmm ???

Which repruduces quicker ???

Bodhrans or AOL introdctary CD's ???

Personally I find both make excellent substitutes for clay pidgeons.

PULL !

Gareth

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Sibelius
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 06:32 PM

Someone suggested the rhythm method as a means of slowing down the bodhran reproductive cycle. Unfortunately, though one respects the deeply thoughtful and scholarly nature of the suggestion, it must be understood that the reliability index of the rhythm method in bodhran reproductive physiology is remarkably similar to that of human beings. Hence, like humans, bodhrans practising the rhythm method usually become known as parents.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: JudeL
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 06:16 PM

If the shakey eggs are unhatched bodhrans, then there is also the dread possibility of them maturing as implied by the term "stealth banjo" which I recently heard used to describe a bodhran.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Tig
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 05:59 PM

Watch out for the smaller (pocket sized) wooden cousin of the bodhran which is appearing throughout the country. It cannot be silenced by the application of an (accidental) bath of beer or lager and sounds suspiciously like an inrush of horses ;-)

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Jeanie
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 05:46 PM

Have you ever wondered where these bodhrans hang out in their preparative prepubescent stage ? Unable as yet to reproduce or invade adult sessions, they are to be found in every percussion band in every kindergarten and playgroup in the land:
the dangerous and dreaded *Lollipop Drums* !
For the uninitiated, these are garish giant lollipops with a plastic booming skin, beaten by a mini-lollipop - and ALWAYS chosen by the player with the least sense of rhythm !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 05:02 PM

I don't know what you folks are on about... I've had one for 6 years now, and have been playing it nearly the entire time, and not only has it never spawned, but I also still only have the one tipper...

Maybe the spawnage is dependant on having mulitple tippers???

Hransluts???

Or is the proper term bodhr-gies?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: CraigS
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 04:06 PM

I have noticed that there seem to be more bodhrans about since the UK government banned handguns. I would personally like to see an upsurgence of Auld Black Flutes, which now seem so rare as to require protected status. Incidentally, I have found that a clarinet is very effective against a ranged bank of bodhrans, if rather unpopular with the tin whistle contingent, who seem to regard it as unethical.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 03:54 PM

To quote and paraphrase before it offends....

You've only got the rythmn, I bet it really irks...
It makes lots and lots of Bodhrains, cos it never ever works..

LTS

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: smallpiper
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 02:52 PM

The application of a stout staff to the back of the bodhran owners head usually does the trick! I was once at a session which was completely taken over by spoon players (oxymoron I know)and I mean completely. All the musicians left I think I was the last one to finish me pint and get out - I just couldn't believe it was happening I still get flash backs and have had years of therapy to help me get over the problem - hence the belief in strong arm tactics.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: weerover
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 01:04 PM

Declan,

I have heard it suggested that the withdrawal method is more appropriate

wr

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Declan
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:44 PM

If bodhran players want to avoid reporduction they might occasionally like to try the rhythm method !

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Declan
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:25 PM

Good to see some quality BS returning to the forum.

What have bodhrans ever done for us, apart from the headaches, the bad rhythm, the loud noise ...

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: artbrooks
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:23 PM

Ah, you guys are all confused. You're missing the core of the reproductive process. You see, the male of the species drummus bodhrani is THE TIPPER, as can be plainly seen by its shape and how it moves. After all, what (male) bodhran player's first lesson in holding the tipper didn't start with "hold it like you were"...never mind. The female of the species, as with many others, is the one that makes all of the noise and is often painted in pretty designs. Some are perfectly content to have multiple partners, and others prefer staying with one tipper. There is a small subset of bodhrans who prefer to reproduce without the assistance and participation of a tipper. These individuals, who are valuable in their own right and should not be subjected to disparaging comments of any kind, are called tamborines.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,BBC Newsflash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:16 PM

Her Majesty's Anti-Percussion Forces were today put on red alert as intelligence reports suggested that a number of identified notorious Bodhranii were converging on the Hollydale Tavern and The Anchor in South-East London.

Amongst those thought to be heading towards Nunhead from their temporary base at Drumcree are Ringo McDonagh, Malachy Kearns, Gino Lupari, John Joe Kelly and Cathy Jordon.

A representative of HMAPF was quoted as saying "Not only do we appear to have some of the most notorious batterers in the world converging upon a peaceful part of our fair capital city, but reports indicate that a dangerous new "fast-breeder" device has been developed. This adds up to a most worrying situation."

Newsnight has a special report on this growing menace later tonight.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Davetnova
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:12 PM

I'm sure if we could persuade them to practice a safe form of congress with their tipper, perhaps by the wearing of a thick rubber or foam sheath closely fitted to the length of said tipper, it may slow the poulation growth.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Ronnie Drew
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:11 PM

Me oul bodhran kittled one night at a fleadh
Instead of one bodhran, I gained me a scra
Says I to myself, my oul' drum was a ma
And the litter kicked up a commotion

Bodhranii, bodhranii, I can't give them for free
In frame drums I find myself up to the knee
They're breeding like rabbits, but more noisily
And me peace is most cruelly shattered

(Shout from stage left ... Ah, musha Ronnie, ye oul' glipe! Give over the "funny" stuff and l'ave it to Chrishty!")

I will so, then, Barney! Sorry!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:09 PM

That was the way he imagined it.

More likely that the original bodhran was a pregnant sow and littered in its warm "nest".

You couldn't be up to the bodhrans!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:05 PM

I knew someone who bought a bodhran. He left it on the back seat of his car and went off into the town to do some shopping. He suddenly realised after a short while that he'd forgotten to lock the car, and rushed back to where he'd parked it. Unfortunately he was too late, someone had opened the door and chucked two more bodhrans inside.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Paddy Moloney
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:58 AM

Any room for a small one?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Ringo McDonagh
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:57 AM

I'm your man, Mal!

C'mon there, you shower o' hoors! Shove your oul' asses up the bench and gi' a man room to give it a rattle!

Donal ... start us aff on "Kid On The Mountain", would ye?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Malachy Kearns
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:55 AM

Holy Jayz, Ringo. Sounds like a job for the pair of us! I'm gittin' a flashback to all thon oul' Drumcree bollix of a quare while ago!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:42 AM

Has anyone attempted to incubate a shaky egg?

Presumably the result is nothing so mundane as a shaky chicken?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:16 AM

The gestation period for bodhrans is roughly one year. That is the length of time that it takes for the owner of the brood-sow bodhran to become proficient enough to make five or six session spectators go, "Gee, (s)he makes it look so easy I just know I can do it too!"

Unfortunately, there are a number of irresponsible bodhran breeders out there. Responsible breeders include a prepaid six-month course at the bodhran obedience school with the purchase of one of their pups. Irresponsible breeders make no such provisions and their whelps often show up at sessions long before they have learned to behave themselves.

Even worse, the mamma bodhrans occasionally miscarry or give premature birth resulting in tambourines, shakey eggs and various other percussion monstrosities. Responsible bodhran breeders see that such offspring are promptly euthanized.

Bruce

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,yer man
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:57 AM

I have noticed in similar sessions that juveniles tend not to be so adept as adults and so there are occasions when each seem to make music which has little to do with the music being made by each other and even less to do with the music being made by the musicians.

I have had ocasion to remark on the laziness of the bodhran. Apart from when being bludgeoned by a small club, they sulk idly and make not a noise. Mind you, a good battering with such a club, when issued over-enthusiastically, seems to have an adverse effect.

However, I was wondering if such batterings as a bodhran receives inevitably leads to a short lifespan and whether, therefore, Mother Nature (bless her!) has compensated by the spectacularly short gestation period and rapid maturity observed by our friend derrymacash?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:50 AM

Never mind how they reproduce. IT IS HOW DO WE STOP IT.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: mooman
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:45 AM

And let us not forget that for each bodhran there must be one or more tippers...

This may well pose a significant thread to both the goat and hardwood populations and, in the case of highly trained bodranii, possibly also rare and endangered exotic hardwoods.

So both a societal and environmental problem in the making...

mooman

P.S. derrymacash...did these five bodrans exhibit the tendency they sometimes display to agglomerate into a "wall of noise" in your session?

Subject: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:25 AM

I was at a session a few weeks ago where a fellow sessioneer brought along a bodhran.

It would appear that said bodhran was in a state of advanced pregnancy at the time, because when I returned a few weeks later, there were 5 bodhrans – which I assumed to be the mother plus her young litter.

The young seem to have grown remarkably, having - as far this untrained eye could tell - attained almost the same size as mammy in a matter of days. (Some of them, however, seemed to display the skittishness of juvenility, being not so disciplined in their musicality as mammy! Others, adopting the current street fashion of body art, were tattooed with various garish celtic designs.)

Two questions haunted me all night, which I feel compelled to put to the erudite people who frequent this hallowed space.

How long does it take a bodhran to attain reproductive maturity? What is the gestation period?

If, as I suspect on the basis of limited observations, the answer in both cases is weeks rather than months, then I am expecting a population by next summer which could number well into the hundreds.