A Celebration Of The Single Life!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 10:17 PM

Tinker,

Here is your link. That's a very funny song! (Of course, the folks at Good Vibrations would call it "self love" and not "self abuse.")

SRS

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: momnopp
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 08:40 PM

There are certainly benefits to having time to get comfortable with onesself. And after that, one is probably a better partner in future relationships. I have always felt a pressure to be coupled and have only in recent years allowed myself to be OK with singlehood. The benefit for me has been in getting clearer about what really matters to me on many levels. Being the best Judy I can be has become paramount.

I don't live alone, though (I have a 13 year old amazing young man in the house) so I don't have many of the "benefits" listed above of living alone. Honestly, I'm not at all sure I would like living completely alone, but I don't know, because I've never done so.

JudyO

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: MAG
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 07:08 PM

Anybody besides me fondly remember the Lily Tomlin skit on vibrators?
(The staid woman who did testimonials) ...

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 06:40 PM

Most of the advantages of single life that have come up in this thread you can have when you're married. Plus a good few more you don't get if you're on your own.

The statistics seem to show that, if you're a man, you live longer if your married. If you're a woman, you live longer if you aren't married. Figures.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Tinker
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 06:33 PM

I confess... I've been lurking this thread. I have some great memories of the periods of solitude in my life. But I'm posting to
add a music note to SRS' post. I can't resist. UGH! the blickifier seems to be down!!!



http://www.mudcat.org/Detail.CFM?messages__Message_ID=825577

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: mg
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 01:59 PM

not the dustbuster

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 01:05 PM

Sinsull, what a trade-off! I must be very lucky in that two my cats are well-behaved and my ex is also.

Brett, you saw the inconsistency in your last remark yourself. Why attribute interest in sex as different measures in men and women? "Need" versus "Like." Both sexes need and like companionship, which can be accomplished in any number of ways. Both sexes can live without sex, and (baring a long discussion of early programming and/or abuse) both genders need and like sex. It isn't always available with a partner. Once you understand that "sex" and "partner" aren't mutually inclusive, you move into a zone where living alone is okay. And that's why places like Good Vibrations do a thriving business. (You might want to visit the Antique Vibrator Museum. Keep this place in mind next time you move through the small personal appliance section of your local department or electronics store.)

SRS

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 12:42 PM

I am my own best company. That may be a curse. I am alone but not lonely. Almost invariably, the men I find attractive become close friends and we both prefer to treasure the friendship rather than risk a short term affair. My therapist thought that this was a coping mechanism I use to stay safe. Maybe. Can't say that the men, read lovers, in my life have ever inspired confidence.

But then I am back on Naemanson's turf. Why be attracted to people who can only hurt us? The theory is that we are trying to re-live an earlier disfunctional relationship (a unresponsive mother or father) and get it right this time. The fallacy - the new unresponsive lover is no more capable of love as we define it than was our parent, ex, whatever.

I have taken it to a new level by filling my life with cats - selfish, self centered, break the china, pee on the beds cats. Not that I ever had a lover who deliberately peed on the beds, just on my parades.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: M.Ted
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 03:10 PM

Naemanson,

If you've really pushed any hot buttons, you're entitled--since you're going through a really difficult time, and need to take care of yourself the best way you can--

The best advice I ever got related to this was from my dentist, who pointed out that I was suffering because I had made my own happiness and peace of mind dependent on my relationships with other people, and those, by nature, were always in flux--to find peace of mind, it was necessary to concentrate on my relationship with God(which, he pointed out, meant the cosmic totality, not some guy with a wizard hat and black framed glasses), which is the only thing that can be truly constant--

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 01:30 PM

Good words Amos. I am only talking of the impetus to connect, not the actual work of connecting. As intellegent beings we can triumph over our genes by pure force of will (sometimes).

But it is a hard row to hoe. Look at all the supposedly celibate priests who have fallen by the wayside. Men HAVE to have sex but can live without. Women can live without but LIKE to have sex. I know this is another sweeping generalization but I believe it is largely true.

So, whose hot buttons have I pushed this time? You have only a few hours to answer and then I will be out of touch.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: M.Ted
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 12:45 PM

Years ago, one of my housemates, a jazz pianist and woodwind player, came home with the news that he had broken up up with his longtime girlfriend--was he upset? No, happy actually--more time to practice!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Amos
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 11:55 AM

Well, guys., the genes certainly will do what genes do best -- try to boss you around -- but in the final analysis, building a link with a partner is a reality that works only so long as it continues to be created byt he participants, only comes into existance when it is being put there as an act of creative will, and starts declining entropically the minute you try to put it on automatic.

A

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 10:41 AM

Burke, owing to limited time to type my generalization is a much simpler explanation of my theory. I'm sorry to have hit a hot button. An even simpler version of my theory has to do with an ancestral need for survival and grouping.

And it's only my theory. And theories are always open for dispute. I'm willing to open an intellectual argument but I am going to be incommunicado for the next two weeks.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: GUEST,peteofebor
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 07:16 AM

Leaving the toilet seat UP !

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 07:05 AM

A lot of my truths have been expressed above re the single life.

I make my own choices, like sitting around in this hot weather in my petticoat & singlet, then of course I make the choice to put on my Japanese kimono when my neighbour visits. He knows to step carefully as the originally neat piles of books & other things on the floor have spread - he lives alone, too & I step around his possessions when I visit him.

Living alone I am responsible for my life - I don't have someone else to consider if I want to sleep in, stay out late, stay at work long after they stop paying me (my work PC wins hands down over my very own laptop for making posters for the folk club & keeping records & writing minutes for my committees, etc).

There are some disadvantages in living alone, or going somewhere on my own. I can't immediately share something I've seen/heard/read.

On the while I prefer living by myself, having grown up in an unhealthy family & seen many a strange relationship since - sisters living together, partners, other families, group households ... I have also seen some wonderful families & partnerships & groups.

sandra single in sydney

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 08:31 PM

Burke, I'm in full agreement with the premise that most people want to be, and therefore should be, in a relationship. I have even thought half seriously of creating a database for good people who want to meet good people.

That said, I suspect there are a LOT of people who have discovered they do NOT want that kind of a relationship. When I finally faced that knowledge for myself my life immediately became a more peaceful one. I now enjoy being friends with all age groups, both sexes, and in many more environments far more than before; the pressure is completely off.

A couple of FRIENDS, a LOT of friends and congenial family, preferably all steeped in music- that's a great recipe for life itself. For me.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Burke
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 06:42 PM

Naemanson, you hit my hot button by your gross generalization separating all singles into 2 possible categories. Yes, there is an urge to merge. But couplehood only happens when two people choose each other. From comments in this thread there seem to be a lot of people may have followed the urge more than their heads & have some regrets.

I would never assume they are permanantly single by choice. They are single now because they have not attained that mutual choice needed for couplehood. It may be because the one they want doesn't want them, or the reverse. It may be because there's no one they now know that they are interested in. Not actively looking does not me not open the the possibility.

I know & have known too many people who would like to be coupled & are not for whatever reason to say something stupid like that they choose to be single. Yes, there are people who have actively chosen singleness. But there are probably at least as many, if not more who are in the state of just not having chosen (or been chosen) for whatever reason.

Hopefully what we would all do is look for a people to have a relationships with, not states to be in.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: kendall
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 10:40 AM

Sure, freedom is great, but, in a good relationship, you have that (within reason) plus a special someone to share your life. Ah, there's the rub! the combination is so rare...

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 01:20 AM

Mary, your house must be pretty exciting when, filled with stray cats, you take in a sick bird. Do you name the bird "Snack?" ;-)

SRS

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: gnu
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 08:16 PM

I can have visitors without being asked, "Is/Are this/these your new friend(s) now?" Stray musicians from pub gigs really pissed her off. Someone might arrive and join a session, or start one, and she would freak. Of course, she used to freak when the regulars would arrive with guitars and fiddles and whistles. Come to think of it, she just use to freak. Why did I have to file ?

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 05:46 PM

I can fill my house with stray cats, take in a sick bird, anything. I love that.
Mary whose is down to four cats at the moment.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 04:17 PM

You could b right, gnomad, but my own opinion is that it is a genetic imperitive to couple up and reproduce. We humans are capable of not coupling, and we are capable of coupling and not reproducing, but the default (IMHO) is to breed.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: gnomad
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 04:04 PM

Naemanson: The couple requirement for successful reproduction can be quite brief (I'm not making a recommendation here, only observing, you understand). In fact some might say that is the problem. 8-)

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 01:42 PM

Wish I'd done it sooner!!!!! And not rushed into another one straight away.....rebounded......
I am happily single and hope to be so for a long time

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 10:29 AM

Actually, Burke, though we are born single I believe the default position is coupled. If you consider that our function in life is to multiply (Religion: Go forth and multiply. Science: DNA needs to replicate). Therefore we MUST form couples. We are driven to it. How many times have we heard of women who forego children for careers and then find that they feel they have lost something important?

I have replicated yet I still feel the need to be part of a couple. If this were a choice rather than a drive there would be far fewer couples in the world.

And there would be no need for this thread.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: GUEST,T-boy
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 07:40 AM

Check out Tom Waits' "Better off without a wife".

Don't have to ask permishin'
If you want to go out fishin'

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: sian, west wales
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 07:25 AM

Power Tools.

(YES!!!!!)

My power tools are mine own. And if I have to fix an egg beater onto the drill because my handmixer is on the blitz, no one will blow a gasket. And if I don't want to put that 'chuck-thingy' back in the rubber whatsie on the power cord, I don't have to!

And I can buy a 'mouse' sander just because it's cute.

sian

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: gnu
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 06:44 AM

Firecat... I used to point out guys for her to look at, hoping she'd find one she liked better than me. No luck! Had to file.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Firecat
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 06:20 AM

Well as my last "Other Half" was nearly two years ago, I think I'm qualified to answer this.

Being able to ogle sexy men without fear of other half getting jealous!

Mind you, I did try asking a lad out on friday. No luck!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: JennyO
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 06:16 AM

I was glad to find this thread, having been recently separated myself.

Many of the things mentioned above were personal freedom issues in my last relationship which had a lot to do with our breakup. Peg mentioned that the ideal would be to be in a relationship where one is free to do a lot of these things, and I believed that it was possible.

I had been single by choice for several years before, during which time I did a lot of work on myself. I did not want to keep on attracting the abusive relationships I had experienced in the past. I really believed I had hit the jackpot this time, but once we were living together it became apparent that this person was a control freak. My whole way of living was put under scrutiny, judged and found wanting. Eventually, after nearly 3 years, my self-respect would not allow me to stay in this situation any more, so I ended it. It was quite painful, because I still love this person, but it had to be done. We used to perform together too, so not doing this any more has also been a loss.

Now I am really appreciating some of the freedoms of being single, particularly not having to justify how I spend my time, being able to spread out in the queen size bed, just going somewhere when I feel like it and eating when I feel like it, and not having to put up with snide comments about how I do things or how I choose to manage my money.

So I swing between feeling sad and having a good cry, and feeling really relaxed and happy. My friends have been a great help. Being on Mudcat makes me happy too. This thread is helping me focus on all the positive things. Thanks, Naemanson. You'll be all right, and so will I. And the music will come back, I promise!

Jenny

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 07:41 PM

Not according to Aristophanes (cf. the Symposium) -- we are conceived in pairs, and break apart.....yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Burke
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 07:17 PM

"Some of us are single by preference and some by recent heartbreak."

Single is the way we are born. Coupled is the choice; because it takes two it's choice not necessarily available to all. Coupled is not the default situation, single is.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: mg
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 02:34 PM

I am such a horrid housekeeper that someone is spared living with me although I do try when I have roommates etc...plus I hate sharing bathrooms so those are the main advantages for me....plus I can listen to the Lennon Sisters whenever I see them on TV...mg

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 02:27 PM

There is a woman down the hall with the following sign:

I love being married to that special person I can annoy for the rest of my life.

They say married men don't live as long as their spouses because they don't want to.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: OldPossum
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 02:22 PM

The Stern Old Bachelor in the DigiTrad - one of my favourites! :-)

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: MMario
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 01:55 PM

Ican't think of any offhand - though I'm sure there are plenty out there. Most that I *can* think of, rather then celebrate the single life bewail the married!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 01:53 PM

To make this more of a music thread here are the words to Bachelor's Hall. Are there any other songs celebratig the single life?

BACHELOR'S HALL

I rode seven horses all to death
I rode them till they had no breath
I wore five saddles to the trees
But none of those girls would marry me

Those women will fret those women will fuss
They'll spend five hours before their glass
The Devil take all I'll have none at all
Always stay single, keep Bachelor's Hall

Stay, stay close to my door
Bachelor's Hall, Bachelor's Hall
I'll always stay single, keep Bachelor's Hall

The women round here they live by the door
They hear a word and repeat it twice o'er
Then they add to it as much as they please
Always stay single, a bachelor man

Bachelor's Hall is always the best
If you're sick, drunk or sober it's always a rest
No woman to scold you no children to bawl
Always stay single, keep Bachelor's Hall

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Naemanson
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 01:51 PM

These are all good.

The bed one, Morty, is very apt. One counselor once asked me if I had moved from my side of the bed to the middle. Once you do that, she said, you are on the way to recovery. Since then I have made a point to sleep in the middle but it is still disconcerting to wake up and roll out of bed only to find you have to roll again to reach the edge.

Those danged connected people keep sneaking in here. Tut, tut, you shouldn't do that! This is our effort to reassure me that it's OK to be single. Most of us know the advantages of being in a couple. Some of us are single by preference and some by recent heartbreak. We are celebrating the fact that we are FREE, single, and over 21.

For example, I made a point of going to the Maine State Museum in Augusta this weekend. Unfortunately on Sunday it doesn't open until 1:00 and I was there at 10:30. I decided to hang around in Augusta for a while and then after an hour or so changed my mind. I didn't have to justify that change. I didn't have to worry that my decision would affect my partner. I didn't have to worry about anything.

By the way Rick Fielding has a great recording of Bachelor's Hall on his first album. That should be my theme song. I may have to try to learn it.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: MAG
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 01:24 PM

My last SO was 7 years ago and it was so bad I haven't seriously looked. Behaviour that was seriously disruptive to my music and storytelling, until I finally realized it was subconsciously deliberate. Attempts to determine my clothing, my hairstyle, even my choice of perfume. Derailing of a successful diet regime. I just can't believe I was desperate enough to put up with it for 3 years. It's a bad pendulum, folks.

OTOH, incentive to clean up the unbelieveably messy house just for me doesn't seem to be there, no matter how much I tell myself I'm worth it ...

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 12:22 PM

You get to eat the WHOLE avocado.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 12:09 PM

Kaleea, it sounds from his discussion on other threads that Brett's pleasure receptors are a bit muted right now. They will recover, and he'll find his love of music again.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Kaleea
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 01:12 AM

How does one lose one's "taste" for music? Music is not a "taste" to me--rather it part of who & what I am. The last person I was engaged to didn't understand this, & informed me that I would not need to participate in such silliness as "gigs" after we married. I set him straight. I still play gigs, & teach lots of music lessons, too. I also play my piano (or guitar or autoharp or penny whistle or whatever) at a couple of clocks in the am or whenever else I desire!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 10:48 PM

But, you ask, what do you really miss because of living alone? (Or in this case, without a partner)

The answer:

Spoons!

And I'm not talking about the flatware!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Amos
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 09:51 PM

"courtin' strong???" What a GREAT turn of phrase!! Thank Granny fer me!! Love it.


A

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: vindelis
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 07:02 PM

Why not have the best of both worlds? In the words of my grandmother I have been "Courtin' strong" for the last twenty years and I wouldn't swap him for the world. Yes I have the freedom to do what I want in my own house (and so does he), but the security I feel, knowing he is there,is priceless.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: MMario
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 06:31 PM

dang you guys are making me jealous!!! I'm single - but not living alone - so don't have these freedoms.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: GUEST,Truthtroller
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 06:08 PM

I'm single now.. trouble is I'm so miserable without her, it's like having her there with me!

T.T.

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Morticia
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 05:49 PM

I love the fact that I can sprawl over a whole double bed, that I can get up and put the light on when insomnia strikes, that I can sleep as late as I want without any 'noises off'. I like that I don't have to cook or even eat if I don't feel like it,that when I cook, it's what I want to eat, that I can watch as many soppy films ( and blubber) as I like without feeling foolish, that no-one minds if I come home late or don't shop for a fortnight.I like that I only have to please myself what way I wear my hair, how I dress and where I go. I love that I don't have to worry that he doesn't like my friends or I hate his. I love that friends can just drop in now without feeling that they are intruding and we can drop everything and go out without checking with anyone else or including them when we know it's not their thing.In short, Brett, I know I've only been single since October and I won't pretend that I wouldn't give a lot for a nice warm snuggle sometimes, but on the whole, there are some serious compensations to being single...I like it :)

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Burke
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 05:38 PM

Having never been anything but single,

You only have to cook if you want to.
Your mess is your own. No one will fuss at you to pick it up but you have no one to blame but yourself. It sure can get deep after a while.
You can sit up reading a book all day & all night. (Someone stop me please!)
If there's something you want to do, you only have to pay one admission.
It doesn't matter what time you get home from work--but it's awfully easy to hang around posting to Mudcat.
No one cares how late you come home--but no one knows if you made it home safely.
All decorating decisions are my own--but who needs to decorate?

gnu, I put a closet system together recently & a couple more hands would sure have been handy.

Naemanson, that snoring could be an indication of sleep apnea. You really should get it checked out by a doctor!

Subject: RE: A Celebration Of The Single Life!
From: Jeanie
Date: 17 Feb 03 - 05:08 PM

Thanks, Bill D - and three cheers for Seneca and Lincoln: I reckon they got it about right !

- jeanie