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BS: American jokes

GUEST,guest 04 Apr 03 - 03:55 AM
gnu 04 Apr 03 - 06:23 AM
The O'Meara 04 Apr 03 - 09:38 AM
gnu 04 Apr 03 - 11:28 AM
The O'Meara 04 Apr 03 - 11:33 AM
Gurney 05 Apr 03 - 05:53 AM
Strupag 05 Apr 03 - 02:31 PM
gnu 06 Apr 03 - 06:43 AM
gnu 21 Apr 03 - 07:12 AM
thehiker 21 Apr 03 - 09:09 AM
Ely 21 Apr 03 - 10:05 AM
GUEST 21 Apr 03 - 06:51 PM
CraigS 21 Apr 03 - 08:28 PM
GUEST,Claymore 21 Apr 03 - 09:29 PM
Uncle_DaveO 21 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM
Forum Lurker 21 Apr 03 - 10:46 PM
GUEST,pdc 22 Apr 03 - 01:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Apr 03 - 01:49 PM
GUEST,Melani 22 Apr 03 - 06:47 PM
Ebbie 22 Apr 03 - 09:02 PM
DonMeixner 22 Apr 03 - 09:39 PM
Forum Lurker 22 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM
GUEST,pdc 24 Apr 03 - 05:53 PM
GUEST,pdc 24 Apr 03 - 05:55 PM
Art Thieme 25 Apr 03 - 12:08 PM
TIA 25 Apr 03 - 12:53 PM
GUEST,The O'Meara 25 Apr 03 - 05:36 PM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Apr 03 - 06:27 PM
Schantieman 26 Apr 03 - 01:42 PM
Forum Lurker 26 Apr 03 - 02:18 PM
Schantieman 26 Apr 03 - 02:32 PM
GUEST 26 Apr 03 - 03:21 PM
Gareth 18 May 03 - 02:17 PM
GUEST,Johnny in OKC 18 May 03 - 09:14 PM
gnu 05 Jun 03 - 04:50 AM
Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland 05 Jun 03 - 01:15 PM
Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland 05 Jun 03 - 01:25 PM
Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland 05 Jun 03 - 01:26 PM
GUEST,amergin 05 Jun 03 - 01:54 PM
GUEST 06 Jun 03 - 12:56 AM
GUEST,Larry Kaufman 06 Jun 03 - 08:42 AM
gnu 06 Jun 03 - 10:55 AM
Art Thieme 09 Jun 03 - 12:11 AM
Mr Red 09 Jun 03 - 09:37 AM
Wilfried Schaum 10 Jun 03 - 02:57 AM
Schantieman 10 Jun 03 - 08:15 AM
Wilfried Schaum 11 Jun 03 - 01:43 AM
gnu 12 Jun 03 - 06:31 AM
Bert 13 Jun 03 - 12:21 AM
GUEST,Silly SOB Sout of Canada, and North of Mexic 25 Feb 07 - 05:34 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 03:55 AM

who needs a joke when you have Bush? Boy is it sick.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 06:23 AM

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: The O'Meara
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 09:38 AM

Plenty of good humor there, but thread is supposed to be jokes frm else where about Americans. I think.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 11:28 AM

Yeah, but I figure I'll put any of any type in that I find reasonably humourous so as to keep the thread alive, if that's okay. I mean, I'll stop if you want. I don't want to offend anyone, eh ?


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: The O'Meara
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 11:33 AM

Good point. Good thread. BTW, I hate it when I get offended. It makes me so dang mad...

O'Meara


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 05:53 AM

The joke is US, from the www, I'm not. Hope that qualifies it, O'Meara.

What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Strupag
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 02:31 PM

Another massive Iceberg has broken away in Antarctica. The new berg is 34 miles long by 7 miles wide. It was spotted on a satellite image by the US defence Met programme. This follows a berg the size of Luxembourg breaking away last week and an even bigger one in March.
In March when it was brought to the presidents attention the conversation went like this.
Bush- so what.
Aide - Well if they drift in to warmer water the bergs could melt causing a rise in sea level.
Bush- Why do you guys bring me this shit , I mean what do we care if the sea level rises in Antarctica.
This time around Bush was ready for them.
Aide- There's been another massive iceberg break a way in Antarctica.
Bush- Right and if it gets in to warmer water it'll melt causing a rise in sea levels which affect the whole world and not just Antarctica .
Aide- That's right sir.
Bush- Okay here's what we're going to do. Bomb the shit out of it. To break it up before it gets to warmer water. Now son do you see why I'm the President.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 03 - 06:43 AM

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 07:12 AM

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: thehiker
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 09:09 AM

An American visitor to Ireland was sitting in a West Cork pub listening to the conversation of the locals. He motions to the barman for another Beamish and when his drink is brought over he remarks to the barman on the range of topics being discussed and expertise of opinions being offered by the locals. As the barman is turning away the Yank says in a very obvious manner that he is more than surprised at the apparent intelligence of the Irish as the world and his dog know that the Irish are thick.The barkeep turns and says in his best stage Oirish "that sir is on account of the smartness pills we do take here abouts" Well says the Yank if that is the effect that those smartness pills have on an inferior intellect just think what the effect on the superior American brain would be.I have to have those pills said the Yank."Fair enough say's the barkeep but they are $50 each."Price is no object get the pills says the tourist"
The barman go's out to a small field at the rear of the pub and puts three round "pills"of goat shit in a bag that has a little icing sugar in he gives the bag a good shake to coat the "pills"and returns to the bar.
"Now say's the barman swollow this smart pill straight down and we will see the result. $50 is handed over and the Yank swollows the "pill".
Half an hour with no visable improvement in the Yanks smartness another "pill"is purchased and swollowed in the same manner as the first.
Another half hour passes and the Yank is no smarter so the third and final pill is purchased and as he hands the pill to the Yank the barman says "Tis obvious that you are a severe case so the best thing to do is to chew this last pill and we'll see what happens"
The Yank bites down on the pill and immediatly spits out the offending item and stands at the bar spluttering,spitting and trying to wipe the taste from his tongue on the sleeve of his coat.
"Suffering Christ says the Yank I have just spent $150 to eat shit"




"Now your getting smart said the barman"


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Ely
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:05 AM

I think this was originally a German/Polish joke but my dad always tells it like this (he figures his family was German-American, so we know he doesn't mean it).

WWI--there are two trenches on the battlefield, one full of Americans and one full of Germans. They've been throwing grenades at each other for hours and neither side is making much progress. Finally, one German asks another, "What's a common American name?"

"Bob," suggests the comrade, so the first German shouts:

"Hey, Bob!"

An American stands up in the opposing trench and says, "Yeah?" and the Germans shoot him. The Germans do this four or five more times until finally one of the Americans asks his neighbor, "Well, what's a common German name?"

"Fritz," says the second American. The first American hollers:

"Hey, Fritz!"

Thinking quickly, the German replies, "Is that you, Bob?"

"Yeah, it's me!" . . . [you get the picture]


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 06:51 PM

I am an American, and the jokes are pretty funny, but if anything that has been made fun of that seriously needs to be corrected is the narrow-mindedness of Americans thinking that everyone in the world has must speak English. About a year ago there was a local letter sent in to editor and printed that basically said that the world must revolve around him. We live in Texas and there are a lot of bilingual people here (Spanish/English mostly) and apparently this man was in a grocery store and overheard two people speaking Spanish and he was offended by it. My father read the paper and he is bilingual (born and raised in Puerto Rico, an island in the Caribbean, first language Spanish). He and others started writing into the paper, so many in fact that a small section in the paper said to please stop sending letters....

More Americans should read jokes like these and open up their minds a little, its thinking like that that split us in our Civil War and in the 60's.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: CraigS
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 08:28 PM

I was under the impression that the biggest difference between Canadian and American humour was that Americans have an irony deficiency. I once mentioned this to a Canadian and he didn't seem amused.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 09:29 PM

I guess one of us conservative types should inform Strupag that if the ice-berg melted or was bombed into smithereens and then melted, the water level would actually fall. Ice has more volumne than water and if you took a sealed bottle of water and left it in the freezer overnight, it would swell and break. If fact, if the whole North Pole melted, it has be estimated that the sea level would drop about 18 inches. Or take a glass of ice cubes and water and fill it to the very rim of the glass, then come back later... But then again, Bush, unlike most liberals, knew that... and the Aide was a holdover from the former Administration...


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM

Water is the only substance (at least that I've heard of) that doesn't follow the ordinary rule of expansion with heat and contraction with cold. It contracts with cold down to freezing, and then EXPANDS! So it floats.

And a durn good thing, too! If it were not so, ice in the seas and lakes and ponds would sink, and would progressively build up, not thawing, being added to, until eventually essentially all the free water in the world would be in the form of ice, and life (at least as we think of it) would be impossible anywhere in the world.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Forum Lurker
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:46 PM

Claymore-If the whole North Pole melted, the rise in global temperatures would cause the South Pole to melt, too. I think that's around 50 meters of rising water levels. I understand that's not your point, but it's not a meaningful statistic.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:34 AM

Bartlett's attributes this quote: "America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization," to Georges Clemenceau.

I haven't the faintest idea who he was - he died in 1929.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:49 PM

President of France in World War I, unless I'm mistaken. Which I well could be.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Melani
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 06:47 PM

It has just come to my attention that George W. Bush apparently does not believe in evolution. Why am I not laughing?


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Ebbie
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 09:02 PM

I guess one of us conservative types should inform Strupag that if the ice-berg melted or was bombed into smithereens and then melted, the water level would actually fall. Ice has more volumne than water and if you took a sealed bottle of water and left it in the freezer overnight, it would swell and break. If fact, if the whole North Pole melted, it has be estimated that the sea level would drop about 18 inches. Or take a glass of ice cubes and water and fill it to the very rim of the glass, then come back later... But then again, Bush, unlike most liberals, knew that... and the Aide was a holdover from the former Administration... Claymore

OK, I already know that I'm a literal-minded person but- SURELY you jest, Claymore? Ice sheets and glaciers at the poles are ABOVE the water, and if they were to melt and fall into the ocean, there would be MORE water.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: DonMeixner
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 09:39 PM

Why don't they have daylight savings time in Europe?
Because they don't have DeGaulle to Adenauer.


Two waitresses in Buffalo, NY talking.
"Whats the diference between a Canadian and a canoe?"
"Ah, Canoes tip?"

Don


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Forum Lurker
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM

Ebbie-The North Pole has no land, only ice. The ice displaces enough water so that it is buoyant. I could calculate the exact percentage of ice aboce water to that below, but basically floating ice has little to no effect on the ocean's volume. The Antarctic ice sheets, on the other hand, are on land. If they were to melt. most of that water would enter the oceans, raising sea levels by (I believe) about 50 meters. While hardly the world-sea depicted by Waterworld, that would flood much of Florida and the Netherlands, and cut many coastlines deeply worldwide. It would also lead to increased temperatures around the world (ice reflects a staggering amount of sunlight into space), increasing the fertility of temperate and subarctic highlands throughout the world. While it would be a short-term disaster, the long-term effects are difficult to predict, given their dependence on weather patterns, which are utterly unpredictable.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 05:53 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 05:55 PM

Here's a truly American joke, especially for those over 50.

An American Joke


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 12:08 PM

In Poland they're telling American jokes now to get back at America for all the Plish jokes. Someone will say, "How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb???" Someone will answer, "ONE !!!"----and then they'll all laugh !

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: TIA
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 12:53 PM

I promise to contribute a joke later, but first, more on the ice melting controversy. FL and Claymore are exactly correct about floating ice -- if it melts, there is no change in sea level. Since it has a specific gravity of 0.9, 90% of a chunk of ice is below water. When the ice melts, it contracts, and the 10% that was above water fills in for loss of volume due to melting. Melting glacial ice (i.e. on land) will cause a sea level rise, but there will be an additional rise due to thermal expansion of the water that is already in the ocean. This is a factor that gets little attention in the global flooding scenarios discussed in popular (i.e. non-earth science) literature.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 05:36 PM

I have a friend with a PhD in geology, who is dean of a local college. He has explained to me, on several occasions, 1. Why hot water freezes faster than cold water,and 2. why melting the polar ice would bring on another ice age and 3. why the moon looks huge on the horizon but smaller as it rises. My brain refuses to admit his information. (My brain has also rejected three lobotomies.)

   I went to Ireland a few years ago and rented a car in Dublin. The rental clerk was friendly (just like everybody else in Ireland,)and informed me I had better learn the reverse lane business in about 3 minutes on the streets, or die. I chuckled and said yeah, you guys drive on the wrong side of the road.
    He looked at me for a couple seconds, then said "I'm going to tell you something that will save you a lot of trouble, if you catch onto it. We don't drive on the wrong side, we drive on the other side."

O'Meara


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 06:27 PM

Ebbie said:

OK, I already know that I'm a literal-minded person but- SURELY you jest, Claymore? Ice sheets and glaciers at the poles are ABOVE the water, and if they were to melt and fall into the ocean, there would be MORE water.

Two things here:

First: As noted by someone above, ice packs in the NORTH polar region are floating, mostly submerged. The reason there is some ice above the water line is because the water tied up in ice underwater is more bulky frozen that that tied-up water would be if it were liquid. The total weight of the north polar ice is equivalent to the weight of the liquid water displaced. If it all melted, both the submerged and above-water-line ice would shrink in volume, and the water released from the melting above-water-line ice makes up for the decrease in volume due to melting of the underwater ice. This is because water, unlike any other common material, does not expand with heat in a straight line; it actually enlarges as it cools below the freezing point. So water, as it cools, shrinks until it freezes; as it goes below the freezing temperature it expands again.

Second: Ice tied up in glaciers on land, as in the southern polar regions, on the other hand, do not affect sea level until the time they drop off into the water, when, of course, they tend to raise the water level by displacement. But once in the water, whether they melt or remain ice is irrelevant, for the reasons discussed in the paragraph above.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Schantieman
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 01:42 PM

Water actually has its maximum density at 4 deg.C, not zero. That is, it expands as it cools from 4 to 0. So very cold water (say at 0.1 degC) is least dense, and floats. That's why ice starts to form at the surface (that, and he fact that the water is losing heat to the colder air above). There is a further expansion on freezing as the water molecules adopt their positions in the ice crystal lattice.

Not only is 90% of an iceberg below the surface, it is more extensive as well as deeper. This, of course, is because if it was the other way up it'd fall over!

Not far from the North Pole, the Greenland ice sheet is so thick that if it alone were to melt it would raise mean sea level by 10m.   Or so I was told by a professor of climatology.

Steve.

PS Why don't we do something about stopping it happening?!!


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Forum Lurker
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 02:18 PM

Because it might not be preventable. If it's a consequence of natural fluctuations in solar patterns and CO2 concentrations, then any attempt to change it might be disastrous.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Schantieman
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 02:32 PM

...but perhaps not.

And then, Dubya's refusal to observe the Kyoto agreement might just turn out to be the biggest American joke of all!

Anyone got any jokes ?

S


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 03:21 PM

FW: Top 8 Morons


Top 8 Morons Of The Year

1.        WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not
Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2.        WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."


3.        WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.


4.        THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5.        DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"


6.        ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".


7.        NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested
for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)

8.        THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up
and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of
the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER
...THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.

I am reminded that ignorance can be cured, but stupidity we have to live with.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 18 May 03 - 02:17 PM

To revive this thread I came across this one in another forum ( No I won't tell yer which one, some things might be highly embarrasing if revealed on the 'Cat)

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Gareth


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Johnny in OKC
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:14 PM

THE QUEEN'S RIDDLE
George W. Bush went to London to visit Queen Elizabeth.
After the formalities, GWB asked, "Tell me, Your Majesty, what's the secret of good leadership?"
"Mr. President, the secret is simply to surround oneself with wise counsel."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Allow me to demonstrate," said Elizabeth, picking up the telephone. "Please ask Dr. Williams to join us," she commanded.
In came a most distinguished gentleman.
"Mr. Bush, allow me to present His Grace, the Archbishop of Canterbury," said the Queen.
"Pleased to meetcha," said George.
The Queen continued, "Will Your Grace please answer this riddle? Your mother gives birth to a baby, but you have no brothers or sisters. Who is the baby?"
"Why, Ma'am, tis myself!" replied the Archbishop at once.
"Indeed," said the Queen, "and thank you most kindly."
"Boy howdy!" said George, "That's a good one. I'm gonna try that on the ol'boys back in Washington."
Immediately on his return to the Oval Office, he called in Vice Pres. Dick Cheney.
"Cheney, answer this riddle. Your mamma has a baby, but you have no brothers or sisters. Who is the baby?"
Cheney ponders a while, then, "Mr. President, let me get back to you on that."
Cheney rushes to his VP office and gets on the phone to Don Rumsfeld.
He tells the riddle to Rumsfeld, but Rumsfeld can not come up with an answer.
Next he calls Paul Wolfowitz, Tom Delay, Alan Greenspan, Newt Gingrich, and John Ashcroft. All admittedly bright men, but none of them can think of an answer.
In desperation, Cheney calls Henry the K. Kissinger can't come up with anything either, but he makes a suggestion. "Vell, have you tried Colin Powell?"
"Golly, I forgot about Colin Powell. I'll try him right away."
He has Powell on the line. "Colin, you gotta help me! The President is waiting for an answer on this. Your mother has a baby, but you have no brothers or sisters. Who is the baby?"
"Why, it's me, of course," says Powell.
"Oo-oo-oo! That's it! Thanks, Colin!"
Rushing back to the Oval Office, he bursts in with, "Mr. President! Mr. President! I've got it -- it's Colin Powell!"
...
"Naw, wrong," says Bush, "it's the Archbishop of Canterbury."


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 04:50 AM

This guy is in the car and his wife is driving on the wrong side of the road, and he shouts, "Move over ! You're on the wrong side of the road !" She replies, "You don't have to shout like that, they can't hear you anyway".


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:15 PM

Unlike some people I have a sense of Humour, I won't mention any names, because they know who they are.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:25 PM

Only kidding, my fault I press the button on the mouse sorry folks


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:26 PM

American Joke, George W Bush


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:54 PM

George Clemenceau-America is the only nation on Earth to have gone from Barbarism to Decadence without an intervening period of civilisation.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 12:56 AM

Daylia - GREAT link ...loved it because it was just a little to close to truth ...and Bill D ...I know you don't acknowledge GUESTs who refuse to adopt a moniker (like a new species of animal must not exist because scientists haven't figured out a name for it yet) ...but the McDonell Douglas survey was a gem!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Larry Kaufman
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:42 AM

This is a true story I heard told by Tim Russet when he was a guest on the Imus show.   Tim Russert was interviewing Tony Blair on Meet the Press.   During the commercial break, Blair asks if he can get a cup of tea.    An aid brings Blair his tea.   Blair comments that Amercians do so many things so well, but the one thing they cannot do is make a good cup of tea.   Without missing a beat, Russert comments that is because all the good tea is at the bottom of Boston harbor.

Another response I like is from Colon Powell.   We was on a show with the Iraq ambassador (before the war).   The Iraq ambassador asked Powell to respond to a poll that said that 87% of Americans could not find Iraq on a map.   Powell responded that the other 13% were marines and they exactly where Iraq was.

Joke time:   Three jewish woman- Beryl, Cheryl, and Shmeryl decide to move to Texas.   They agree that they must change to American sounding names if they are going to live in Texas.   Beryl says that she will change her name to Buck.   Cheryl says that she will change her name to Chuck.   Shmeryl says she is not moving.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 10:55 AM

I bring you a quote from Gervase's post to the rhubarb thread today... "I wish I could still eat it - but after said grandfather bet me I couldn't eat seven bowls of rhubarb and custard I was sick as a dog, the world dropped out of my bottom and I haven't been able to stomach it since." ... now, that's gooood !


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 12:11 AM

refresh


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 09:37 AM

GUEST,Larry Kaufman

call me thick but is the point of that that Beryl etc joke a reference to there being too many Schmucks in Texas already? Well there's one less right now.


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 02:57 AM

"Fifty bonus points and an internet buck if you know the originator of the following quote:

"The United States - The only nation to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the intervening period of civilization."

Heard it some 45 years ago when at school attributed to G.B.S. Who else could be so witty?

Georges "The Tiger" Clemenceau (1841-1929): French Premier and Secretary of Defense in WWI, responsible for the harsh Treaty of Versailles which finally led to WWII. Short biography in English and for Canadian bilinguals.

Wilfried


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 08:15 AM

George Clemenceau, je crois.

Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Jun 03 - 01:43 AM

Hi Steve - I think our Western neighbours might know their orthography best. It's no problem of believing, but of looking up (see the links above): Georges it is.

Wilfried


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jun 03 - 06:31 AM

After attending the funeral of a Texas mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Minnesota, one from Iowa and one from Wisconsin, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The Minnesota mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Minnesota mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Minnesota mouse and the Iowa mouse then turn to the Wisconsin mouse.

The Wisconsin mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Bert
Date: 13 Jun 03 - 12:21 AM

We were at a Mudcat gathering in 'Turonna' and Tree was out in the back yard listening to the Canadians there who were pursuing their national pastime - running down Americans.

After a while they realised that Tree was there AND that she was an American. So they politely (of course) asked her 'What did she think of Canadians.

Tree replied "Oh, they're just like Americans"


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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Silly SOB Sout of Canada, and North of Mexic
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 05:34 PM

Love the thread, some of the jokes are quite funny.
It is good to see how other people view Americans, and humbling.
It seems to be a pastime in many nations to poke fun at other people.
Americans do deserve the overwhelming amount of grief that places like this thead dish out. I say this due to our overwhelming arrogance.
I dont expect people in foreign land to speak english, I would at least learn enough of theirs to make my way around and get a decent meal.
I dont expect people emigrating to this country to give up their culture but they should learn the language, as we should learn from their culture. I am no historian but I have always been aware that the Canadians burned the Whitehouse, just as I am aware that FRANCE has been our longest standing ally.
As for the jokes my favorite is the American tourists changing the light bulb (deadly accurate) and the 'smartness pills'. Keep them coming.


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