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BS: American jokes
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Bill D Date: 17 Mar 03 - 11:03 AM "Sounds just like an American, somehow..." ....well, like 'some' Americans. The kind of story could fit like a glove a self-important military commander from many countries....I like a good joke or story, but dislike generalizations that are taken too seriously... |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Mrrzy Date: 17 Mar 03 - 11:23 AM I duuno, if the Americans had the lighthouse, I think the Canadians would have swerved a little sooner... but you're right, and I stand corrected and pulled back from my gross generalization. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: KarlMarx Date: 17 Mar 03 - 06:57 PM In all fairness to the American military personality, the archetypal Prussian "Gewehrkugelkopf" was the butt of humor throughout the German-speaking world, as is now, the late, not-lamented Corporal from Austria, who sported the funny little mustache . . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Hovering Nurk Date: 17 Mar 03 - 08:42 PM Fifty bonus points and an internet buck if you know the originator of the following quote: "The United States - The only nation to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the intervening period of civilization." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Wolfgang Date: 18 Mar 03 - 04:13 AM A joke I heard in Germany: Have you heard the USA will rename its capital? No. Into what? Whitewashington. Wolfgang |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Mar 03 - 11:04 AM Hovering Nurk, the style and sentiment sound like Oscar Wilde to me. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: beadie Date: 18 Mar 03 - 11:09 AM Perhaps, HN, might this be a product of the deliciously cynical Mrs. Dorothy Parker? |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Doktor Doktor Date: 18 Mar 03 - 11:20 AM Can't let this go without comment on the occasion of my poor old Pop's funeral. We had to work the date around a big air display in Lowestoft (UK). One of the Burma Star (famed for gallows humour) said we ought to carry on regardless - "there's Yank planes" he said "they can bomb the church and drop supplies to the Japanese taking photos on the South Pier" .... "Donnie would appreciate that ... that'd be just like it was when he was in Burma" |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Gareth Date: 18 Mar 03 - 06:48 PM Ah Well, My late Father always said that the USAAF came nearer killing him than the Weremacht ever did. After Normandy his orders were, if you could not identify Aircraft as RAF = Open Fire. Claimed a P-47 once - it wasn't allowed - But the attack stopped. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Robin2 Date: 18 Mar 03 - 09:13 PM "Fifty bonus points and an internet buck if you know the originator of the following quote: "The United States - The only nation to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the intervening period of civilization." Mark Twain? |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Little Hawk Date: 18 Mar 03 - 10:48 PM Sure. Here's one... What do you call a non-American who bombs foreign people? A terrorist. (Unless he's an Israeli...) What do you call an American who bombs foreign people? A courageous defender of democracy. Here's another: What do you call it when non-Americans drop A-bombs on people? Genocide. What do you call it when Americans do it? Saving lives. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Wolfgang Date: 19 Mar 03 - 04:34 AM Robin 2: The quotations is mostly attributed to Oscar Wilde. Wolfgang |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: An Pluiméir Ceolmhar Date: 19 Mar 03 - 05:02 AM Saint Brendan the Navigator discovered America 900 years before Christopher Columbus. But he had the good taste to keep quiet about it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Gervase Date: 19 Mar 03 - 05:46 AM Wilde? I always thought it was George Bernard Shaw. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Dave Bryant Date: 19 Mar 03 - 10:49 AM A Texan is visiting England and keeps telling people that everything is much bigger in Texas. A young lady from Essex is passing by and the wind lifts her skirt showing the fact that she is not wearing any knickers. "Honey", says the Texan, "What part of Texas are you from ?". |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Goat Date: 19 Mar 03 - 03:13 PM KarMarx Is Mohandas Ghandi the same guy as Mohatma Ghandi? |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Little Hawk Date: 19 Mar 03 - 05:54 PM No...he's the same guy as Mahatma Ghandi. "Mahatma" means "great soul", and was given to Mohandas Ghandi as a special title of respect. It's a bit like adding "Christ" to the name Jesus...although not exactly the same in connotation. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Mar 03 - 07:31 PM I believe the spelling of the Mahatma's name is "Gandhi". Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 20 Mar 03 - 07:25 AM Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in." Hey, at least it's punny. At a pub in Ireland, a newcomer visits and orders three Guinness, sits alone in the rear, drinks them, repeats this three times and leaves, every night for a week. The bartender finally asks why he drinks this way. He replies that his two brothers emmigrated and all agreed that they would always drink this way to continue the bond with the others. After a month or so, the fellow continues the routine but orders only two Guinness each time. After a few nights, urged on by curious patrons who are concerned that the fellow has obviously lost a brother, the bartender approaches the fellow and offers condolences. The fellow replies, "No. No. No. Both of my brothers are fine. I've just given up the drink for lent." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Dave Bryant Date: 20 Mar 03 - 10:27 AM Aren't Texans supposed to be the living proof that the Native Americans |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,noddy Date: 20 Mar 03 - 12:42 PM I thought they all were! |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Joe_F Date: 20 Mar 03 - 07:16 PM Naw, they're living proof that Okies ****** Mexicans. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 21 Mar 03 - 06:48 AM A Woman Gets Pulled Over by a Police Officer and.... Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 29 Mar 03 - 10:58 AM In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will." said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST Date: 29 Mar 03 - 06:08 PM Here's a new one: Where is Monica Lewinsky now that we need her? |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Catter being anon Date: 30 Mar 03 - 11:35 AM Naughty Gnu! Is it a coincidence that the Gunslinger Joke is a direct "cut & paste" of the joke of the day from that well known pornographic directory website, "The Yellow Hun". When Gnu's wrist recovers I think we should be told! Anon |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 30 Mar 03 - 11:50 AM Gosh !! Imagine that 46 year old single male likes to look at pics of naked women !! Ya know, maybe we should check this phenomenon out. Perhaps we could make some money publishing pics of naked women. Naw, we'd never be able to find any women willing to be photographed naked and surely we could never sell magazines or put anything like that on the net since it's ONLY me that knows about The Hun's Yellow Pages... odd to me that you have to hide your name while you tell Mommy on me. Very poor taste and judgement on your part, I'd say. BTW, BOTH of my wrists are just fine thank you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Folkiedave Date: 30 Mar 03 - 03:33 PM Why do Americans serve their beer cold? In order to distinguish it from gnat's piss. Dave www.collectorsfolk.co.uk www.holmfirthfestival.com. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Ebbie Date: 30 Mar 03 - 04:35 PM "ducking bullets on his motorcycle" This phrase always sounds so funny to me. Can you imagine actually ducking bullets? Man, you is fast. What do you call a person who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who speaks one language? American. What do you call a person who speaks three or more languages and is not American? Crowded. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Don Firth Date: 30 Mar 03 - 06:29 PM American jokes? Well, some we export, like Paul Cellucci Others, we elect. Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Gareth Date: 31 Mar 03 - 01:35 AM Hmmm ! Gnu, following your, ahem, recomendation I've tried the "Hun" ( No, No Clicky - This is a familly website ) Pictures of "intersting Ladies" - Well fine, but it has no links to "interesting Sheep" in various poses etc. Does this mean I still have to have my copy of Farmers Weekly delivered in a plain brown wrapper ? Gareth - "Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, know what I mean.... etc." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 31 Mar 03 - 04:59 AM Gareth... I did not "recommend". However, I believe you may take note of "Playboar" magazine, if it is still published. A buddy of mine had a subscription about 25 years ago. It was a riot. They even had a bunch of swag, like a gold lapel pin (boar with bow tie), membership card, shirts, cards, etc. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 31 Mar 03 - 05:24 AM Of course, I only visit the Hun for the jokes..... A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Catarina Date: 31 Mar 03 - 06:10 AM A world joke I learned from one of my brothers: UN had an enquiry asking the following question: "Please, state your opinnion about the food shortage all around the world." It was a complete failure. In South America nobody knew what "please" meant. In Europe no one could tell what "shortage" was. In China nobody knew the meaning of "opinnion". In Africa no one could tell what "food" was. In the USA nobody knew exactly where "the world" was. The one about the languages, we use it in Portugal with a slight difference: What do you call a person who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who speaks one language? Spanish. My, are we mean or what... |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Yo' Daddy Date: 31 Mar 03 - 07:51 AM A beautiful twenty something blonde woman read that bathing in milk was absolutely great for the skin. She called a local dairy and ordered 25 gallons of milk. "Why do you want so much milk?" "I want to fill up my bathtub and bathe in it because it is supposed to be good for my skin." "Might work. Do you want it pastueurized?" "No, just up to my tits." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: JennyO Date: 31 Mar 03 - 09:23 AM I heard those lines a number of years ago on the Benny Hill Show (British). It was a song about Ernie the Milkman, who drove the fastest milkcart in the west. "He said 'You should have pasteurised 'cos pasteurised is best' She said 'Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Geordie Date: 31 Mar 03 - 09:40 AM I believe the "quote" is from George Bernard Shaw. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST Date: 31 Mar 03 - 09:44 AM Why did the Canadian cross the road ? To get to the middle. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Richard L Date: 31 Mar 03 - 10:10 AM The Devil: Well Dubya, because of your actions you must spend eternity in Hell. But because Cheney and Rumsfeld forced you to do bad things, I'm going to give you three choices of punishment. Behind each of these doors is an option. Choose carefully. Door number one opens and Dubya sees Richard Nixon endlessly diving into water for sunken treasure, but coming up empty handed. He's terribly frustrated. Dubya: Hmmmm I'm not much of a swimmer, I think I'll pass on that one. Behind the next door, Tony Blair is endlessly breaking rocks with a sledge hammer. Dubya: Unh, unh, I've got a bum shoulder. What else is there? In the third room he sees the naked Bill Clinton spread-eagled and manacled on the floor with Monica Lewinsky kneeling over him and doing what she became famous for. Dubya: Welllll...I think I'll go for this room. The Devil: OK Monica, your replacement's here, you're free to go. Richard L |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Dave Bryant Date: 01 Apr 03 - 07:04 AM Many years ago the American precision steel industry sent their counterparts in England a sample of "The Smallest Bore tube in the World". I gather that we Brits sent it back with another tube inside it! |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST Date: 01 Apr 03 - 02:02 PM In Belgium the trilingual joke is told about the Walloons... says Mrr, from somewhere cookieless. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: TIA Date: 01 Apr 03 - 02:44 PM Two surgeons were comparing their most difficult cases. One recounted how he had re-attached the fingers of a young girl who was now a concert pianist. The other said "I operated on a cowboy who had gotten hit by a train...all that was left was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat...and now he's President". |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 02 Apr 03 - 05:33 AM A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told. Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Geordie Date: 02 Apr 03 - 08:31 AM Hey, Hovering Nerk.......where is my prize. The quote is GBS, isn't it ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Norton1 Date: 02 Apr 03 - 12:34 PM Why are Redneck murders impossible to solve? 1- The DNA is all the same 2- There are no dental records The toothbrush was invented in West "By God" Virginia. If it had been invented in Ohio it would have been called a "Teethbrush." Some good ones here Steve |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Norton1 Date: 02 Apr 03 - 12:39 PM Subject: Anti-War Protesters (Nothing personal) and I don't know if it is true or not - To nobody's surprise there were protesters today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia. I got hosed twice because I come in from NoVA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment for protesters (but that isn't the point of this thread). Anyway, I'll get to the point. I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it." I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words. this was taken from http://www.depetro.com/listeners.htm |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: GUEST,Forum Lurker Date: 02 Apr 03 - 01:20 PM Norton1- You're glad that someone threatened an obviously harmless and well-meaning protestor with physical violence? Or is it because the woman used the argument of "people had to fight for your right, so you shouldn't use it?" Even if you disagree with someone's politics and methods, it seems quite petty to react with such vitriol to "a gesture of friendship." |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: gnu Date: 03 Apr 03 - 06:45 AM A young Mom wrote: While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since my husband (his Dad) had run off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away. Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your Mom busy, son?" My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she's in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: TIA Date: 03 Apr 03 - 09:36 AM The umbrella story has all the hallmarks of an urban myth. Found it told second or third hand in many locations. One version has the old woman delivering the punch line to Barbra Streisand! As a story of an actual event, it would be a bit disturbing. As a joke, it's pretty good. |
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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes From: Steve in Idaho Date: 03 Apr 03 - 10:15 PM Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!" This is a joke thread Froum Lurker - It's a JOKE - Get it?? Or is this someone else?? |
