BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!

Subject: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 04:15 PM

Whenever the hell it is...

Create-a-Fart.com

(I recommend the settings; Embarassingly Long, Cheesy, Blaster, and Off the Scale.)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 04:18 PM

Geeze, Carol, next thing you know you'll be posting Secret Santa assignments in May!!

June 8, 1949 catspaw49

Still, it looks like you found something too good to resist...er...well...whatever...yeah.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: C-flat
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 04:22 PM

What a BLAST!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 04:57 PM

I think the Fart Phone misses a great opportunity. Needs a feature that automatically diagnoses when an incoming call is a telemarketer (or designee of your choice) and answers those calls with a fart and then hangs up.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 05:56 PM

Happy birthday, I um, um guess?

W.E.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 06:06 PM

Happy Unbirthday, spaw and everyone else not celebrating a birthday today.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 06:08 PM

Thanks, Sins, just what I needed. Say, who'd'a ever thought that Spaw was such a YOUNG fart!!?   An' him such a worldly guy, too! Just shows to go ya -- even the worldly ones can fool ya some of the time!



A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 07:04 PM

Great site Carol.....and I want to say that this is a fine day not to have a birthday and tomorrow is shaping up as yet another. So thanks for the non-greetings on my non-birthday. The best part of this is that it will really piss Joe off(er) since the real ones are bad enough for him.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 07:27 PM

So I figure I'm ahead of the game then. Enjoy a cheesy one for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 07:43 PM

Happy Birthday, Spawzer,

I baked you a cake but made the mistake of askin' my couzin Rufus to drop it by the Post Office and he made the bigger mistake of givin' the danged thing to Retha May to mail. Well, that ol' gal can smell a twinkie thru 12 inches of lead so if it don't show at least know that I'm thinkin' of ya.

And just to prove it I had the P-Vine correct all the spellin' and typo's in this post so you wouldn't have to use your Wes Ginny dictionary tryin' to figure out what I'm sayin'. How'd she do?

Hey, Spaw, me and the Wes Ginny slide rule have been tryin' to figure out just how old you are. I says a day younger than you'll be tomorrow and the W.G. slide rule says a day older than you were yesterday. One of us is bound to be right.

But seriously, my friend, Happy Birhtday...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:16 PM

I ain't going to wish Spaw no happy birthday today or any other day. I don't believe in birthday threads. They are a waste of time and space. They are a nuisance and an annoyance. Those who waste space with birthday threads should be ashamed. They should hang their head in shame. Shame on you Carol the Sailor! Shame on you Spaw for having two birthdays in one year and causing even more space and time to be wasted. That's whats wrong with todays generation...the whole world is going to HELL because of mentality like we see demonstrated here. This is a MUSIC FORUM!!! Hear me?? M-U-S-I-C !!! Check out the Mudcat Cafe, see what it says about itself...not one damn thing is said about birthdays!! But you reprobates and anarchists are trying, working overtime to undermine this great web-site AND this great nation! I shake my head in DISGUST!!!!

Now, me and Joe Offer (the only two sane and reasonable people here!) are going to go have a beer and discuss possible repercussions!

Ken-I hate birthday thread-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:26 PM

Well then, Mr. Ken-I hate birthday thread-khandu, I recommend the "trumpet" setting for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:49 PM

And what's all this preoccupation with farts? Have you people become so jaded that you search the gutters to find humor? Or are you just a bunch of juveniles parading as folk music lovers? Or, Carol the Strange One, is it that the accordion has finally driven you nuts like it does everyone that listens to one long enough? Puh-lease, people, all I ask is that we maintain a little dignity on this forum!!! D_I-G-N-I-T-Y...is that too hard of a word for you?

Me and Joe Offer...we got dignity! Perhaps if the rest of you would search our previous posts in this MUSIC FORUM, you will come to understand what I am talking about! Take a Lesson or two!

Ken-I hate Fart Threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: harpgirl
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:56 PM

...gee whiz Carol...all that sex is making you kinda looney! hahahah

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:14 PM

Looks to me like there's a whole circle of looooooniness flying 'round and 'round here!! And I know Khandu ain't gettin' any, so it's GOTTA be the accordion or the Canadian, and we're at peace with Canadians...


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:37 PM

I don't know why any of you would presume that I wasn't loonie loooonng before I started playing the accordion or before meeting JtS.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: p.j.
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:38 PM

OH MY!!!

Thank you Spaw, for being such a fart-infested inspiration to CarolC that she could not wait for your birthday to share this rare and wonderful website with us!

And what a fitting way for us all to celebrate your existence on the planet, whatever it's infamous day of origin.

You know, my dear, that this is the 307th day of the rest of your life...how ya doin' with that?

I must away now, my love, I have so many, many firemen to send this lovely greeting card along to....

pj

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:40 PM

You're going to all have to forgive our friend khandu. It's been very tough on the boy lately and his delicate psyche cannot take much more abuse.

Most of us know the feeling that has come over him lately......like the world ain't nothin' but a shithouse and we're the flys it attracts? Well friends, Brother khandu's fly has been swatted and hit with a load of shit as well and he is really in a sorry state (Mississippi) of affairs. The other day he wrote me and said, "Spaw, it's hopeless.....What's the use of smelling the magnolias if I can't whiff the kerosene?" Yea friends, the world has come down on Brother khandu!!!

Khandu my friend, that's it isn't it? You haven't had a good cross-burning in months have you? First the mideast situation jacked the price of kerosene out of sight which meant that none of your broke-dick, jack-leg, buddies could afford even a pint. It was a quandary for all of you I know, a classic guns or butter piece of economic theory. No cross burning is complete without rhetoric and beer so you could either have rhetoric and beer or kerosene.......a situation not resolvable for most of you I know.

Then came the latest kick in the ass......Here you all thought you had them in the bag and then those sorry sumbitchin' Commies on the Supreme Court showed their true stripes and ruled that cross burnin' ain't protected by the First Amendment's right to free speech. Really threw you for a loop didn't it? And what with it coming on top of everything else..............Well, it's enough to say that "we understand." We're here for you man..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:44 PM

Say pj....Be sure to have your personal fireman check that thread he wrote to me about. I sent him a PM......it's his turn.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM

Carol, we're forever in your debt for such borgarygmously flatulentious nasturtium. :-).

Spaw - Lord Windesphere and Paul Boomer send their regrets they are here on this occasion!

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:11 PM

Happy un-birthday Spaw and here's the perfect gift to sooth that overworked and infamous sphincter of yours. Just duct tape one of these babies to your ass for fast and gentle relief. They keep your shorts clean too so Karen won't have to use a stick to place them in the washer anymore;~)   
*SpawPads*

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:18 PM

And the BS continues...on and on and on it goes, where it stops, nobody knows. Again, I will speak slowly,, read my lips, this is a MUSIC FORUM, music- you know-that stuff you play with instruments. MUSIC FORUM!

Yet, it has become apparent to me that most of you sadly do not have the mature dignity of Joe Offer and me. So, after much consideration, I realize that this birthday-fart-non music silliness will continue despite my sweaty efforts to educate and enlighten you. Therefore, I have made this strong and firm suggestion to the Mudcat Powers that Be; I suggest that Pene Azul, with his wonderful wizardry, come up with some way to cleanly separate the Music threads from the stupid, infantile BS-birthday-fart childish threads, maybe putting the BS as close to the bottom of the page as possible. This would have a two-fold result. The practical (having music threads all to themselves) and the psychological (People would have to go "low" to find the BS, and, in doing so, would realize that BS is as low as one can go).

I know this will take time to implement, but it will be worth the wait. And this will truly "separate the men from the boys"!

Ken-I hate BS threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Troll
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:19 PM

'Spaw, I didn't know you had birthdays. I thought that they assembled you out of spare parts that were laying around down at the Skunk Oil Factory.
It just goes to show...

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:39 PM

You know, I really think I should splurge and get Hardi that remote-control fart machine.... cuz, with it, funerals would be SUCH a gas!

Not to mention vestry meetings, Bishop's visits, ladies sewing circles...

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:48 PM

Spaw, I hope you have more unbirthdays during the year! I didn't realize how much I really needed the laugh all of these friends of yours have provided. Great site, CarolC.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Cllr
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:59 PM

What EvvERRr as you americans would say 8p All the best spaw Cllr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 12:23 AM

Cool American accent, Cllr. I can almost hear your chewing gum cracking.

Carol, that was so not fair...I have work to do!! As the Brits say, BRILL!

Aloha,
Mark

(So now what are you going to do for the real birthday? Hey, I know...you can mail him an accordion, only instead of music it plays farts. Wait a minute, what am I saying: instead of music??? Isn't that what the lawyers call assuming the counterfactual?)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 03:16 AM

Hey, you old fart, still having birthdays? Just keep away from the candles!
Have a skifflin' good one!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 04:57 AM

Spaw whenever it is enjoy it, I'm sure you'll have a blow-out when you do. Hey aren't you supposed to use the other end to blow the candles out?? Wow that's what you call a fire hazard!!!!
H.Bdy.......Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Allan C.
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 08:16 AM

Bo-o-o-ring! Every damned year it is the same blessed thing!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 08:29 AM

Hell - with 'Spaw every *DAY* it's the same old thing...*bseg*

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 10:05 AM

Dammit, khandu!
Why must you insist on ruining Spaw's special un-birthday day? Whining and moaning and brown nosing Joe Offer about putting BS threads down at the bottom of the page, which is, of course, complete BS. What a ridiculous idea.....everyone knows that it could never work, as the BS would push the Music threads clear off the top of the page. The place is awash in BS.
Also, you might as well leave off wif the brown nosing and just put your tongue straight down the back of pore Joe's trousers and get it over with.
Happy Unbirthday again Spaw and please blow or fart out yore cake candles whenever yore ready to.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 10:26 AM

I have tried to explain khandu's problem but it's obvious that he's in denial. If he joined the army right now, he could also be in da' Tigris and da' Euphrates as well.

He seems to be having a tough time of it. His business is also suffering as the stock at "Big Bubba's Slightly Used Bedsheet Emporium" has trickled down due to the lack of fiery cross rituals. Perhaps the only real solution is to have all of us chip in and get him a few gallons of kerosene.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: JenEllen
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 06:24 PM

Thanks, CarolC. Nothing clears the air better than a good laugh, and nothing clears your office faster than a gigantic fart over your computer speakers. *bg*
~JE

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 06:51 PM

hahahaha...

You're welcome folks. But I can't really take credit. JtS showed me that site, and I just stole it for my own wicked purposes ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 02:27 AM

Damn! I just now saw this thread. Spaw had an unbirthday and I missed it! Gotta get my shit together. Spendin' way too much time doin' unimportant stuff like workin' and playin' music and eatin' when I should be wastin' time postin' to Mudact BS threads.

Well, anyway, from one asshole to another, happy unbirthday, Asshole!

And, if you need some more assholes to help you celebrate, here's a whole friggin' army of em:

***************************************************

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 10:03 AM

Yah, yah, friggin' yah.

Rick and heather

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Melani
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:28 PM

This is really confusing. Happy Birthday, Spaw, whenever it is.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:41 PM

Melani, worry not. if it concerns the Spaw, it is confusing. Even I get confused. We are not here to decide if Caesar was an honorable man, we are here to...wait...what? Oh! Spaw! Yes...now what about him? His birthday? Wait...I am conf...what time is it?

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:52 PM

You know what I detest? Confusing threads. I hate them almost as much as birthday threads. Don't you people understand that people arrive here already confused, that we are here to help them, rather than add to their previously existing confusion?
This is not what the Mudcat Cafe was designed for...to confuse. NO! We are here to HELP!!
Do you really think that people like Joe Offer and me are pleased to see this confusion run rampant? WE ARE NOT PLEASED!!!
I insist that all of you confusers desist and report to the nearest mental health center immediately!
Carol the Sailor and Spaw...you are the ones responsible for this specific bit of confusion. You must immediately make a pubic apology to all of the Sensible and Sane Catters like Joe Offer and me. You must also work to undo the deeds of confusion you have done, the seeds of confusion you have sown.
You also are fined $10.36 for this act. Send the money to me posthaste!
And quit this silliness!

Ken-I hate Confusion Threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 12:07 AM

Alright folks, we GOTTA' do something. Let's start coughing up some dough to get khandu some kerosene and a few 2x4's........He's about completely over the edge now.....

Hang on khandu......you'll be torchin' a cross in no time and then I know you'll feel a lot better..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 01:30 AM

Yeah, 'Spaw, we know, you just can't wait to back up to it, right? Just watch out for blowback...and don't say I didn't warn you.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 05:44 PM

So khandu, how do you really feel about threads like this one? I really think you should stop holding back. You know what Nurse Ratchet said in group therapy last week: when you hold things back, you get backed up, and you know what that means! Time for the BIG E!!!

(Yee-Haa!)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 05:51 PM

Birthday? Wouldn't hatching day or spawning day be more appropriate?:)

Russ (Mr. Day late and Dollar Short)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 06:16 PM

Actually Russ, you are of course, ahead of time!!! Yes, here we are wworking on Day Three of my non-birthday!!! If we have another 55 days or so of this non-birthday we will come up on the real thing.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 12:51 AM

Spaw,

Well, we both made it this far, anyway. Now you (and me) can both aim to make mine on July 9th. It ain't much but it gives us something to shoot for.

Art ------------(By the way, have the best one ever.)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Melani
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 12:55 AM

Khandu--WHAT kind of apology??

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Noreen
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:09 AM

Happy unbirthday, dear!

*smmooooooooch*

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:18 AM

Why thank you Noreen!! What a fine way to begin Day 4 of my non-birthday!!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 06:48 PM

khandu sez:Do you really think that people like Joe Offer and me are pleased...?? ....blah,bluh,blablabla!

Get a grip khandu az no one in thar right mind gives a damn whether Ken-I-hate-BS Threads-khandu and yore dear friend, Joe Offer, iz pleased or not. This ain't behavior befitting a person of royal lineage, even if it's a somewhat muddied gene pool.   

Spaw I believe your treatment would be the best thing. We need a lot of kerosene (about 900 gallons), a spray rig, a zippo, and an old abandoned farmhouse for khandu to light up. I know he's not been himself since his cousin-brother-uncle-dad Trent was shown the door a short time ago and this calls for extreme measures. A good bonfire or book burning would put the glow in the boy's cheeks again.
If not, I'd say that a lynch party using manniquins or inflatable love dolls would surely snap him back to reality.

I'd just like to see khandu cut and paste a 5,000 word article on solar windmills and post it here sometime and see how tight him and Joe Offer really is! Haw!!

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:55 PM

Why, hell no!!! I hate cut and paste threads!!

Ken-I hate cut and Paste threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 09:42 PM

Tweed buddy, the boy is really losing it......Did you see that last bit? I mean he's just sucking up real bad and I dunno'...........I tell ya' Tweedster I don't think we can afford the 900 gallons..............Hmmmm.............But maybe you're on to something there!   

I know that Ol' Bobertz got in an order of love dolls that aren't what he wanted and we can get them cheap......and they'd be perfect for your idea! The order he was expecting was for a gross of "Ginny Vaginey-Anatomically Correct Playmates," but you know how he is about all that West Virgina crap so he added a "West" in front of the name on the order. Well, the guy at the factory knew that everything was bass-ackwards in West Virginia so he relabeled a box of "Patty Poopchute" dolls instead. Bobertz says he tried 'em but it just wasn't his thing. So we get those from him and then inflate them with propane. Shouldn't take more than one jug to inflate all 143 of them (Remember that Bobertz used one and I ain't touchin' that one!).

Then I'll pick up some of them skids that the local lumber yard has laying outside. With 5 skids and a roll of duct tape we can make 143 crosses and on top of eash one we put a propane filled Patty Poopchute doll

Now all we need is maybe 2 gallons of kerosene. Let's see, a nickel a piece on the dolls, a jug of propane, skids (free), duct tape, kerosene..........Man the whole thing will be less than 20 bucks!!!!

So we set all this up in front of khandu's place and pour some kerosene on the base of each cross and light 'em up! As soon as the flames start growing they'll reach the opening where the plastic is thin on Patty dolls.........AND OFF THEY'LL GO!!!!

Damn Tweed, can you see it? 143 love dolls with flaming asses climbing skyward like some perverted fireworks display! As they fizzle out they zip this way and that like deflating ballons and fall back to earth trailing little flames while the crowd goes "OOOOOOOOOO" and "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH".............Man it will be glorious!!

How can something so stirring, so dramatic, so, dare I say it, almost patriotic, not bring Brother khandu back to reality? Call Bobertz and get the Patty Poopchutes and I'll grab the skids and we can get to work on this right away!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 09:46 PM

I think I'd pay to see that.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 10:12 PM

Carol the Strange One, not till you pay the $10.32, by gonnies! And, I am still awaiting that pubic apology you and the Spaw owe! And Melani...what's this questioning me, the King of Mississippi? In fact, I have seen too much lack of respect by most of you for my Royal position. Why, Joe Offer respects my crown. Can you not take a lesson from him? He is a superb example of how a mature Mudcatter should act. He and I.
This thread is a goiter on the neck of decency. It has gone from bad to putrid. This shows me that the world is going to hell in a hardbisquit! I am greived by the complete lack of respect and decency displayed on these pages. I hope no unaware visitor happens to blunder in to this thread. I am incensed! I snarl in your general direction!!! And I am certain my Friend (capital "F"), Joe Offer is snarling, too!

Ken-I hate Goiter Threads!-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 11:49 PM

Hey Spaw, would you mind if I donate some Playmate Paul dolls, equipped with projectile penises, to go along with those Patty poopchute dolls? You might get a few more ooos and ahhs from the women. I'll donate and leave the masterminding details up to you on how those projectile penises could really give us a bang for our buck!
Happy No-Birthday Spaw.
Love, Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 12:17 AM

Pssst, hey Joe, I think somebody likes you... (insert stupid winking smiley face thing here)

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:12 AM

Playmate Paul dolls, equipped with projectile penises

I'd definitely pay to see that.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CraigS
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 07:34 PM

There was a programme on BBC radio4 recently on the history of comedy, in which it was concluded that the most timeless jokes were the bottom jokes. I'd like to say that I think Spaw is timeless, and at least nobody makes fun of his guitar playing like they do of mine!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 08:19 PM

O hell, we've gone beyond the bottom jokes Craig. We're talkin' 143 propane filled inflatable LOVE DOLLS here! Ignited simultaneously and flying across the nite sky trailing fire and smoke like dragon kites on Chinese New Years. O, he's gone way beyond the "bottom" this time. It's become an art form now.....

Agog with awe and wonder,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 08:54 PM

Fellows, you know what? I hate and detest "Let's applaud Spaw" threads. Just a bit of info for those who are interested.

Ken-I Hate "Let's Applaud Spaw" threads-khandu

Subject: Let's Applaud khandu!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:05 PM

Woo-Hoo!!! Hear Hear!!! Three cheers for King Khandu!!! (applause applause)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:30 PM

Carol!! Need I remind you who started this thread??? And here I was gettin' ready to stuff the Pauly Penis dolls with Roman Candles to use as a ground display. Won't that really add something??? Just for you!!! As the Patty Poopchutes arc upwards into the night sky, the Roman Candle stuffed Pauls, illuminated by the fiery crosses will be blowing their balls in red, white, and blue. Man....... now if I can just get that Lee Greenwood tape............

Craig.........I think the lower the better. Every time I try for even the least bit of upscale sarcasm it just don't fly! Irony is out of the question and whatever the question is, the end result seems best expressed in this thread. and my guitar playing sucks too!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:41 PM

(Hey Spaw. Just trying to sabotage khandu a little. In a nice sort of way that is. See the dilemma I created for him?)

Absolutely. I definitely vote for the Roman Candle stuffed Pauls.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 10:23 PM

Well danged, Spawzer! You got one heck of party going now. I see you musta done that candle blowin' thing 'cause the joint's 'bout half burned down.

I unnerstand that yer in the market fir some blow up dolls. Well, first of all, I'm gonna have to go on record that the one *that you don't want*, ain't available no ways. See, I sent my couszin Rufus to pick 'em up at the Post Office and that boy just had to stop and try one out in the backseat of his Chevette on the way home. And well, that ol' boy is a little backwards so he liked the ol' gal purdy good so he's gonna just keep it hid in the spare tire compartment along with an air pump...

That's my denial and Iz gonna stick to it until someone come up with pics.

Now as fir the the otherins, heck I blowed one up, told her to go out and rake leaves and she's been raking 'em 24 hours a day ever since, I got another one doing laudry, and one chauffering me around, and then one running my business and one cleaning house... I mean, Iz really impressed with the ol' gals.

But there nuthin' I wouldn't do fir my buddy, King Kenny, well, except maybe sahre all 143 of my women with the boy> Did he ever send me no Mississippi womens up here to scratch my back and make me cheeze samiches. Heck no, he didn't!

But I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, Spawzer. And I wouldn't do this fir just anybody. But since you got the mayor Tweezer hisseff into this thing, I'll let you have half them blow up gals for, ohhhhh, (pops suspenders and looks up at the Lodge House ceiling) about ten dollars a gal. Hmmmmmmmm? Now that's 72 blow up gals at ten dollars a pop (ahhhyh, unpopped and guarenteed...) times ten dollars. Leeme insult with my Wes Ginny slide rule here. Ahhhh, about 300 dollars.

Now don't let it be said that I didn't contribute to that little pyro display in Kenny's front yard so yopu can deduct two dollars fir one gallon of kerosene which makes it, hmmmmmm, ahhhhhh, 302 dollars, plus shipping of course which will make a total of 290 dollars.

Yep, it's a pleasure doing bizness with you...

Ahhhh, do you realize that your "Youngstown State NCAA, Division II Champion" tie is on fire?

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:45 AM

That's okay Bobertz....I replaced it with a 2002 National Champions Ohio State Buckeyes tie.....same coach!

Listen, I'm into day 6 here of my non-birthday and even with your calloused and hard driven price, I am determined to go ahead with the Fireworks display. It's the least we can do for canned-doody. Plus I already had to replace the Paul dolls because the wangs on them weren't up to the task of holding the Roman Candles. So I bought 2 dozen Harry Hardtool ones instead and not only will they hold the Roman Candles, but each will accomodate 3 dozen bottle rockets (with whistle and report) as well. So send on the Patty Poopchutes and send the bill to Tweed.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 12:35 PM

I might've known this would happen eventually. Oh, the tedium. The dross. The endless fart jokes. The non-musicality of it all. You think I'm gonna read all the posts above this one? Think again. I've got better things to do, like sucking on this old shoe I found out back by the firepit...

Don't think that it's going to get you another free Billy Bigmouth Bass to put on your wall either. I am not even sending you the batteries this time.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 12:59 PM

Sad you're not reading the other posts Hawkster......We're about to have one helluva' fireworks display! Party dolls with flaming asses arcing into the night sky.........You're really gonna' miss out man!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:28 PM

I'm thinking that Little Hawk could be helped out of his anti-farting angst by shooting off a few propane filled dachshunds, each of 'em outfitted wif an "Engineer Scotty" paper cutout mask. What do you say LH? Hey, I thought you'd stopped all this nonsense after the trip to the islands, Mon!

Anyhow, go ahead and place the orders Boberdz, and send all invoices to me az I noticed that the bank sent another box of blank checks yesterday.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:14 PM

Allright! That's it! I have had enough! It was bad enough with all the birthday-confusion-cut and paste-Spaw applauding-goiter type of threads, but now, the Strange one, Carol the Sailor dares to humiliate me with her sarcastic "applaud King khandu", and Spaw with his "canned doody". I am aghast at the reprobate minds at work here to tear down everything decent around here. I puke in your general direction.
It is people like you that have got America in the sad shape it is in today.
I did not want to, but now I have been forced to use, shall I say, unsavory means to deal with you miscreants.
I am sorry it has come to this. But, the choice was yours!
Tweed, you are hereby stripped of the Royal Title of the First Duck of Mississippi, and you are no longer Knight of the Realm of Tupelo.
Spaw, you have 48 hours from the date of this posting, to leave Ohio. My Royal Forkers are armed and ready to enforce this.
Carol the Sarcastic one, who started all this swill, The Polka Circus Ambassador to Mississippi, Mr. Arthur Dexter Bellows, has agreed to impose sanctions against you unless you pay the fine and give the pubic apology demanded.

I will not falter. I will not fail. This will be done. I regret having to get tough.

Good Old Bobertz has proven himself worthy of the King's favor, and he shall now become the First Duck of Mississippi.

King Ken-I hate "get tough" threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: death by whisky
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:27 PM

I cant be bothered reading all the posts,so HAPPY birthday spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: InOBU
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:31 PM

SPAW! Belated happy birrthday, running around in your birthday suit? Cheers Larry

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:36 PM

Happy birthday to yooooiuuuu. hehheheehe. Loverly thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:47 PM

Well, this aint the Boberdz right now, this be his son! I come back to read the thread and dag on if I hadn't found myself laughin so hard my sides wuz hurting..then i realized there be some truth in the matter, and I dun changed my tone. ***Has the evil look of blackmail in his eyes***

First, since I've already started the post, I can't really start it off with 'First I'd like to say..' I gotta be like..

Secondly, I'd like to say happy birthday to der Mr.Catspaw, he's almost as old as my pa. Dag on old man...

Thirdly, I've got a little collection of my own I'd like to contribute to the collection, now, I done blowed up my doll(I had to break into Rufus's car to get it) and I told it to work and it just lay there like a balloon, like what the heck? So I figger I got rufus's broken doll and it aint worth a dang so I might as well fill it up with explosives and watch it fly into the sky. See spaw, I'm willing to dat just for you!

Fourthly, I think ken needs to take a bit of a chill pill :P mr.khandu hates everything! I can see it next time 'Ken-I hate "People who mention how I hate things"-khandu' or 'Ken-I hate people with more than one point in a post-khandu' or even 'Ken-I had boberdz 17 year old son-khandu' :D Just messin with you mr.khandu, I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person...and retha may's not got a sweet-tooth. GRIN.

Fifthly, I done got myself a highschool diplomer now, so I'm learnt fellow, and even usin my supreme intelligence and interlect, I've come across a snag the following thing..If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a a day and a half, how long will it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds from a dill pickle? Now personally I think the answer is C but my dad insists its yeller...and I think someone should clear this up.

Sixthly!! Wow 6 points! Hey der tweezer. Been treatin my old man right? I hope not haha. Good to catch up with yallz

Lastly, seriously, happy birthday spaw.
-Will

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:25 PM

As showed by me signin' in a Guest:Tweed, yall kin see that Ah don't got no cookie. There be a gud reesen fer that. Ah am purnishin myself fer being such a imbercile. How cud Ah ever have been so crazy as to speek unbercummin of King khandu? Ah am wearin sackcloth (made outta papersacks) and ashes and Ah'm deprivling myself of desserts fer the rest of the year, that's why Ah aint got no cookie.

King khandu, Ah drop down on my feebly knees and throw myself on yore mersey. Ah got cawt up in Spaw's foolirshness and Carol C seeducktive smile and fell in wif the rong bunch.

You and Joe Offer are the tops! Ah vow neber to speek ill of eether of you agin, speshly you, My King!

If you wisht, Ah'd eben jern the Royal Forkers and stand armed and reddy aginst Spaw if'n he dont leeve Ohier in 48 ires like you oreder him to do. Ah'll do whtevery it takes just to be First Duck agin.

PLEESE, PLEESE! Fergive my poor stoopid sole and let me be sumptin Ah kin be proud of! Yer Royal Fisrt Duck of Missersippi!

Yerz,
A humbel and repentinent Tweed

PS
Heres to King khandu do!
Yay fer King khandu
He's is my flavorite King
And I luv Joe Offer, too!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:30 PM

May you have miles and miles of Methane induced smiles...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:54 PM

and Ah'm deprivling myself of desserts fer the rest of the year, that's why Ah aint got no cookie.-Will again, my dad says you givin up cookies is nuthin, he sez if you reely wanna be in King Kander's good graces you gotta give up sex and cigarettes...are you up for the challenge mr.tweezer?

Now as fer your bein first duck, my dad says he done been apointed first duck and now he out in the woods doin his first duck ritual..he doin the eagle rock around the woods, he sez once you lose first duck..you can never be first duck again, like..its in der 10 commandments, its in dere...'thou shalt not murder.' ha, i think thats just a poor translation for 'thou shalt never be der first duck again once thou losest itith' er somethin along them lines. See, my dad is in good standin with ther lord fondu and thats why I post under his name, cuz I dont wanna be stealin or messin with his cookies and stuff...once you mess with my dads cookers he comes over at 5 in ther mornin to wake me up and give him back his cookies and there i am, nekkid, wrappeda round my patty poopchute doll, my dad bustin in scarin the cats half to death and its all over a little cookie...
-Will

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:11 PM

Sir Bobertz, after looking over your uncanny mathmatical ability, I think it would be remiss of me not to appoint you as the Royal Treasurer. As soon as Carol the Sailor pays her $10.32 fine (which I expect very soon!), the treasure will be up to a grand total of $10.37. With an amount like that, I need a sharp, clever man to handle all of it. Who else but you???

Spaw, I hope you are packing...the clock is ticking!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:24 PM

Well, danged, ken king! Iz real glad to have my mathmaticalized wizzardry appeciated but in all honesty, I can't take the this honorable position seein as I owe it all to my Wes Ginny slide rule... which, of course, deservres all the credit.

Plus Iz loikin' this First Duck stuff. I even went up to the Sweet Springs Store and told everyone up there about it and well, them folks got all misty eyed and asked me to give a speech, which I did. Lasted two hourds and when I was done there wasn't a dry eye in the house.... Ahhhh, come to think of it, other than my eyes there weren't no other eyes in the joint and the lights were out? Hmmmmm?
Details.

So that's my take on the "treasury thing". Now it someone were to throw a few reaol buckls in the pot, me and the Wes Ginny slide rule might re-corncider der offer bu8t the way it is their ain't 'nuff to embezzelrate...

First Duck Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:37 PM

Well, since Tweed cain't be First Duck agin, kin he be First Coot insted? Coots is kinda like ducks only they's slower and dummer and ya cain't cook 'em 'n eat 'em or they'll make yore house stink and yore dogs puke. But they looks enuff like ducks t' where liddle city kids in th' backs of minivans is always hollerin', "Look, Mamma! They's ducks!" That orta be close enuff fer The Tweedster.

Or, he could be First Goose. Ah'm shore that job has sumfin t'do wiff all dem Patty Poopshoot dolls, but I don't got no ideal eggzackly how 'n don't wanna know anyways.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:47 PM

Geeziz.....Royal Forkers......right. Well I can see I'm gonna' hafta' provide treatment for all three of these guys now!!! So folks, bear with me while I get this thing organized.

Carol, your job is just to keep an eye on them and make sure they don't hurt themselves in the next 48 hours. Oh yeah, can you find me an 8-track player?

Bruce, I'll need you on hand with some fire extinguishers just in case.

Will, I am so glad you showed up! What I need is for you to bring khandu, Tweed, and yer Ol' Man down to the picnic grove about dusk on friday night. See if you can locate three of Beachy's old potty chairs and a couple of rolls of duct tape. A jug of 'Shine would be good too just to get them relaxed a bit.

I called out to the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed for Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys to have them do the fireworks display (gawd help us) and also to provide some outhouses from their "Crappers on Casters" business for the crowd I'm expecting.

Okay, I've got a lot to do, but with some help and a little luck I can have all these guys cured soon.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:09 PM

Willzer again,
Wellz I was lookin around the old sea container for beachy's old potty chair I remember it was donated to the smithsonian, unfortunatly. However, I managed to locate some newer models...they have their own straps, but I dont trust them, so I brought along the duck tape anyway. I dun think I should be draggin lord khandu down there, i think he's tryin to kick you off your property n im on yer side! i wanna see der fireworks, so when I find dictator kantdo im gonna make sure he finishes off his...medicine..heh heh heh...***strokes his jug of moonshine***, then I'll strap him to the potty chair along with his other KK members...I think the reason why KK only has two k's is he's in the little league KKK...ya know? one of them junior leagues like t-ball for white supremeists, he can't get the cross to light...Naw, im just messin with you khandu, you seem like an alright person..but hey, I had to aim all of this teenage agression at someone, my dad would woop my butt, spaw and tweezer and old friends of mine from before I even had my drivers license, and heck..you were talkin bout how you hate everything, made yourself a target..like a soldier infiltrating an enemy base in the middle of the jungle dressed in bright orange with a siren on his chest......well......back to the potty chairs, I have three Beachy Potty Chair 2003 Delux Edition©'s lined up, about 500 feet of duct tape, a few gallons of corn licker and a 'coon. Never know when you'll need a coon.
-Willzerbeast

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:21 PM

Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah...what the hell is the 8-tracker for? You gonna play us some Tommy Roe? OOOOOHHHHHHHH, I am scared! I better not let the Royal Forkers know or they will run away, shaking in their panties!

I guess this is gonna be the Grandma of all wars, huh? You gonna call upon you Democatic Guard? OOOOOOOHHHHHH, I am even more scared!

Face it, fester-face, you are a cooked goose, a dead duke, a done deal. And you are gonna be taken out just because of a stoooopid birthday thread started by a strange and somewhat odd accordion player???? OOOOOHHHHHH, your amazing logic and dazzling intellect makes me soil my Royal knickers!

Allow me to remind you of some little detail you obviously have forgotten...You are dealing with khandu-KING of All Mississippi!!!!!!!

Less than 46 hours left.

King-I hate bloodshed, unless it is forced upon me-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:22 PM

So, I forgot to close my "bold print"...that means nothing!!!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:45 PM

No problem khandu.....The fireworks are scheduled for 8 PM on Friday and I'll post the report here immediately after for all to see, good or bad.....But I hope it clears your thinking. BTW, your Royal Forkers showed up and surrounded my house and I think you have way too much confidence in them. It looked pretty bad until I saw their trucks with the full name of the business......"The Magnolia Royal Sewer, Drain, and Potable Concrete Company." Geeziz khandu, you're such a dumbass! Turns out these guys are responsible for mixing the concrete! They ain't Royal Forkers......They're Mortar Forkers! Right now I have them all busy working on a new Barbeque pit.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:00 AM

WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

PLEESE, PLEESE! Fergive my poor stoopid sole and let me be sumptin Ah kin be proud of! Yer Royal Fisrt Duck of Missersippi!

Yerz,
A humbel and repentinent Tweed

PS
Heres to King khandu do!
Yay fer King khandu
He's is my flavorite King
And I luv Joe Offer, too!

It is obvious to anyone with at least one good eye and most of a brainstem that this is NOT me, the spelling is much worse than anything I could come up with, no matter how many JimBeams were involved. And also that this "person" has all the earmarks of a severely disturbed mind,no doubt brought on by many years of self abuse. The very idea.....that a usurper could come into this hallowed ground and impersonate perfectly reasonable patrons of the last bastion of worldwide civility...I find myself horribly upset and offended, yes, OFFENDED, that the Cafe has been invaded by this mad person.

I have a strong suspicion that the guilty party may very well have the initials "K k", whose steadily deteriorating condition is a matter of public record, as is witnessed by some of his "Ken-I-Hate-Pupsandsmallchildren-khandu" posts. Naturally, being a refined gentleman, I'll refrain from pointing in the general direction of the Mizippi backwoods where this certain highly delusional character resides and taps out this slander.

I can only imagine that there is an element of jealousy that eats away at him to cause this vitriol to spew, since he is forced share the Gala CrossBurning and the Poopshoot Flyer Finale with the un-birthday of pore Catspaw, a hapless bystander, whose only crime was to be born a couple months from now.

I am so offended by these current developments, that a trip to the backwoods is even now being planned. I expect to enlist the aid of my staunch friend and retired used car salesman Boberdz, to teach this imposter a lesson he will not soon forget.

Yerz,
Tweed (offended to the point of insensibility)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:01 AM

Unfuckingbelievable....LOTS of litter to clean up after this one, Spaw!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:08 AM

It's a real spreader ain't it kat?

Ah Tweed!!! So glad to have you back on board! I should have known! Now listen, if you'll take care of Bobertz and get those dolls here before Friday evenong, I think we can pull this off......and it's obvious that khandu has been pulling something off as well....What a wanker! Give Will a hand with the Potty Chairs and be sure to get me those dolls on time. What with Cletus and Paw and the Boys doing the fireworks, I figure they'll need all the time they can get!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:11 AM

MUDFLASH!!!!

It is now April 17, Mudcat time, the eighth day of Spaw's unbirthday. Just thought y'all'd like t' know. Reckon y'all kin keep this shit up until the real thing get's here? Only 51 days t' go by my calculations.

Errr.... Bobert, if you wanna double check that figger on that Wes Ginny slide-rule of your'n, yore welcome t'do so. It'll probly tell ya sumfin like 97 or 213.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Melani
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:56 AM

So which one of you guys is the Mad Hatter? It's really hard to tell.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Rustic
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 02:02 AM

Well since the playmate Paul dolls can't be used, I'd say we just fill them with helium and send them on down to greater Mississippi, each with a new labeled name on them. Something like King Khandu, with address included on each doll, and something that says, please return if found. Ok Khandu, we're sending your army on down.
I gotta go, damn wind blew over the outhouse today and somebodys got to set it right ya know.

Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 02:47 AM

happyy birthdat catspaws.john

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 10:50 AM

" Listen! What's that terrible sound? On and on it goes, will it never stop? Oh Lawd, What have I done?"

That is what is going through Spaw's pointy little head. And the sound he hears is that of a clock...tick-tick-ticking away his precious and waning time. The poor idjit is in a panic. Less than 34 hours left.

Look at his frenzy; trying to laugh it off, even trying to minimize the terror by pretending the Royal Forkers are concrete workers. But, his lingering on Ohio will have very concrete results, and he will not enjoy them!

Carol C...the clock ticks for you, too. As you have tried to humiliate the King, you shall likewise be pubicly humiliated, unlees you pay the fine and make the pubic apology that is demanded!

Poor, poor ole Tweed...yall have him so confused he does not know if he is coming or going. The once noble First Duck of Mississippi has become a baleful and woeful has-been. He blows hot and cold. Yes, Tweed blows. I fear it is his mind that has crumbled under the pressure. If I had known, if I had had any idea that this thread would have brought all this disgrace and agony on the once-esteemed Mayor of Tweedsburg, I would have immediately appealed to my Dear and Good Friend, Joe Offer, to delete it.

But the deed is done, the song is sung, the dye is cast, the pie is in the oven, the bell's been rung, and the world will cry "havoc" as the dogs are released!

There is no joy in Mudcatville, the Mighty Crazies have struck out!

King-I hate no joy in Mudcatville threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:13 PM

I'm bringing my own crapper, Spaw...

Artsy Fartsy CarolC type Crapper

khandu, not sarcasm. Never sarcasm. Just a little pop psychology I got from Dr. Phil. Take it. It's good for you.

Now. About this fine. I see your treasury is sorely in need of some loot. I can help with this. Bobert can take care of the record keeping. I'm prepared to finance your Kingdom for ten times the amount of the fine, that's $132.00, for ten years at only 49% interest compounded weekly. You can't lose with this deal. Have your people get in touch with my people and we'll get the details worked out.

Spaw, the 8-track is on its way. I sent it by bicycle carrier to ensure extra-swift delivery.

Now... khandu, Bobert, Tweed and Will. It's time for your meds. Spaw asked me to keep you boys safe and out of trouble until Friday, so I've got a nice assortment of pills in all kinds of pretty colors, and you can wash them down with peach or melon flavored cool-aid. Snack time after meds. You've got a choice of animal crackers or fruit roll-ups to go with your cool-aid. You can watch cartoons while you have meds and snack time, but then you have to take your naps. We'll make sure somebody wakes you up in time for the fireworks.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:02 PM

A lovely shot of a most lovely accordianist/wafflehauser Missus Carol-the-Sailor. I returned to the location later and took this candid photo of hiz Lordship on the Crapper at hiz most vulnerable. Obviouslyl, he has come to grips with some measure of reality and it's only natural az I too have found that TRUTH comes easier at times while on the can.
ken-I-hate-getting-my-picture-taken-while-on-the-sh*tter-khandoo.jpg

Yerz,
Tweed (I-will-listen-more-close-to-accordians-from-here-on-out)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:18 PM

Okay. Someone has to be the grown-up here, and apparently, it is not going to be Tweedle Dum nor Spaw.

I have received hundreds (count'em- hundreds) of PMs asking that I not loose the Royal Forkers upon Spaw; not, they say, because he doesn't deserve it, he does, but for the sake of my great and noble standing in the community.

They tell me that I am well-respected throughout the Mudcat world, and held in high esteem by those who are mature. They suggest that a sortie into Ohio might be a tad bit injurious to my reputation.

They also pointed out, that if I did go ahead with my plan, they would support me all the way.

Being a Gracious and Mighty King, I have called off the dogs.

Spaw, I withdraw my Royal Forkers. Carol the Crapper Girl, I loose you from the fine.

And, Tweed, my ignoble igmo of a First Duck, you are forgiven of your foul and heinous act of treason.

I am even ignoring your posting the picture of me in my Royal Privy. This time!!!

King-I am more grown-up than thou-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:25 PM

Great photo Tweed.....

Well, things are progressing well for the 8PM "Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala." By this time tomorrow night we will know whether or not khandu has been restored to his former self or remain a Joe Offer brown nose. My thanks to all of you who are helping to bring this affair to fruition on behalf of Brother khandu. I know at the moment he's really an asshole but if this works, well, he'll still be an asshole but in a lot better mood!

Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys have been at it since this morning trying to make the scrap lumber and duct tape crosses and getting the Patty Poopchute dolls ready to go. I hope they make it in time!

Lots to do but thanks to all of you for your help! We CAN save him!!!......................I think.......................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:29 PM

Will again, now see here! I am appauled! I've never EVER been one for not wanting to take pills....aaaa...well....Ok so I lost my train of thought..I think I was gonna say thanks for the pills. I aint never taken my pills with kool-aid afore, but I'm always one for tryin new things, and Carol, please bring extra animal crackers...possum if you can..if you can't then shoot....why bother bringin any at all if there aint gonna be no possums. Dag on.....Wait..why do I have to behave? It was my dad who set the box of fireworks on fire, wasn't me! He's to blame! Thatz my story and I'm stickin to it...dag on...some people...falsly accusicatin me...oh well...I'm gettin free pills! Around here we pay 2 bucks a pop for these! I mean...my friend...pays...for..........aaaaaaa......*sits down on the potty chair and looks pathetic* The dog did it, you know that right? I don't know what exactly I'm defending myself from, but when you guys come up with something I've premptivly defended against all accuisations, and if you want further proof you'll just have to talk to my lawyer!

Spaw, you need some help building the launch stands for your patty poopchute rockets? I offer my assistance! I wanna be Spaw's first duck!
-Will

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 10:42 PM

After my last post, I took a nap and dreamed that you were all tittering behind my back. So I have decided...To hell with pubic relations, I am unleashing the dogs!!!!

Spaw, less than 24 hours to go. Run away in fright or face the most disturbing day of your life when you see the Royal Forkers surrounding your house. It ain't gonna be pretty!

Carol the Crapper Girl, don't fear, I am not re-instating your fine.
Tweedle Dum, you are still in the clear.

This is twixt me and Spaw. He has been a razor mouth, terrorizing swine around here for too long. He is a threat to Mudcat decency. Visitors from all over steer clear of the Cafe for fear of getting on Spaw's hit list.

But he is, in reality, like the Wizard of Ozzy, just smoke and mirrors. Nothing worthy of such awe. And I, the Good King of the Great State of Mississippi, will pull back the curtain and expose him to the world as the fraud he is!

And you will all know that King khandu did this wonderful deed and you shall all fall down and serve me!!!!!

"Who can do what King khandu?
What King khandu no man can do!
Long live the King
Long live the King!
Hail to King khandu!"

King-I am top of it now!-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,D.Rumsfeld
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 11:11 PM

DOD Memo

To: Joint Chiefs of Staff

Re: Domestic Civil Unrest

Our intelligence sources report an anarchistic revolutionary event being hosted in the state of Ohio. The ogranizers have dubbed the event as the "Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala."

After our recent victory in Iraq it would a disappointment to allow such an event to subverse our designs for a New World Order. It is imperative that such a demonstration not be allowed. After all, this is America, the land of the free and NASCAR© and all things holy.

I am thus instructing all branches of the Department of Defense to use all means necessary to prevent such an event from occouring.

The President appreciates your sensativity.

Donny

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 11:27 PM

Yo Donny, This is Will n Bobert!
Um...First of all...I was catchin you on the news the other night, you know, you was talkin about all them vases and stuff, you know, walkin outta them museums in bag-dad, and wonderin in my own mind what if the US had lost the war against Iraq, what some Iraqi news man would say about all them Rembrandts and Van Goughs bein taken out of the Metropolitan Art Museum in NY?

I mean like I thought when Spiro Agnew made his famous, or infamous, comment about having seeing one redwood having seen 'em all that, those types of statements would be forever considered blasphemy.

But onto the serious stuff at hand...the Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala is certainly a National Security issue and I am relieved that the DOD is on top of it; however, in these times(will not bein first duck to spaw) of world terrorism, we feel that the DOD's attention is better directed elsewhere.

BTW, Carol, where are my possum cookies.....

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 11:27 PM

Naw, naw naw, Donny! I, khandu, the King of Mississippi, will handle this little bit of dookey with my Royal Forkers. Not to worry. We are well able to take control of the situation!

King-able to take control-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:50 AM

Spaw,
I hab commissioned a group of gypsies wif a low-boy to haul them Pattydolls up yore way. They have assurred me thet they will drive all nite to make delivery to you on time but required me to pay 'em up front, so I wrote a couple more checks from the batch the bank sent. I hab not tole my wife about it though az she thinks since she took control of all things financial twenty years back thet I don't even know how to fill em out ennymor.....an' she is sorta right about that, so I jest signed my X at the bottom and will let them fellers sort it out when they hab time.

You may rest easy in the noledge thet I am fulfilling my part for this gala event. I hope thet khandoo iz able to git hiz head outta pore Joe Offer's ass long enough to appreciate the effort we are going through to bring him back to earth and summat normal thinking patterns, but I doubt it az he is purdy far gone off the scale this time.

Keep an eye out for the lowboy. Thar will be about a dozen foreighnerz on it squeezin' accordians and sawing fiddles. A happier bunch you will never see.

Yerz,
Tweedzzrz

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 02:27 PM

Thank you, King Khandu, and welcome to my humble crapper.

Sorry Will. Just doing like the man said. He said I'm supposed to keep the boys out of trouble. Nothing like some nice meds to do the job right. But you can have all the possum shaped animal crackers you want before you fall asleep.

Great picture, Tweed!

Spaw, do we need to bring our own lawn chairs or anything?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 03:50 PM

I'll be comin' down on my Moped. You can call me Moped Mamma. Anyway I changed my mind about the playmate Paul dolls with the projectile penises.I think I will fill them with helium and you'll recognize me on my Moped with a bunch of Paul doll balloons with strings attached to the projectile penises. Oh yeah, I'll be hauling a cotten candy machine behind me too, all the money I make will go to you Spaw to make your un-birthday celebration real good, that is unless King Khandu's troops don't get you first.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 08:11 PM

Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............

The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved?

Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........

About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me..................

Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me.

I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right.   Once again, I should have relied on past experience.............

The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking..................

I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show!

On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event.

When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all.............

Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove.   They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................

Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this...............

Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!"   After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding.

In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks.

I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse..........

Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street.

The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now.

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:32 PM

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

O well, goddammit,that last part finished me off Spaw....I habv officially lost all my senses and feeling in my extremities....Another fine installment for the CHRONICLES. You are the master....

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:40 PM

Ditto, Spawzer. And now on to "Rest of then Story"...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 12:22 AM

Thanks Tweed! Bobertz, as to the rest of the story, I ain't got nothin' left! I tell ya, this has been a fine non-birthday thread. It's been awhile since I was inspired to a tale of "the Boys" and you all certainly did that for me....So thanks back atcha'!

And I see you already noticed I left you a copy at The Boardinghouse!!!

I think I'll go and limit my replies to the other "FIREWORKS" thread. I reckon that 9 or 10 days for a "Non-Birhday ought to be enough and I AM looking forward to seeing how Brother Ken comes out of this. I see on the other thread that he's undergoing treatment right now.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 12:20 PM

Have any of you guys seen "Red Fireworks; Green Fireworks", a foreign film? This puts me in mind of the finale. Rent it today.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 04:26 PM

Does anyone know if Rustic Rebel made it safely back home? While I was watching the fireworks, I noticed what looked like a woman on a Moped dangling from a bunch of Playmate Paul dolls floating by about 200 feet up in the air, coming in from the north and heading south.

Man, what a night.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 07:25 PM

My dear Catspaw49,

On behalf of English mudcatters in the general area of the Twillingsgate-Hull region, I wish to belatedly wish you a very happy Unbirthday.

You must know, sir, that you are living proof of every ugly suspicion we British have about American Midwesterners. It's a shame to see such obvious talent going to waste composing tales which revolve around flatulence, but that is the trouble with free will. In idle hands it can oft go astray...

I can't help but wonder what would have occurred if you had in your youth put your efforts into Shakespearian theatre or ballet instead. I should think the results would have been quite striking.

Ms Penelope R.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 07:32 PM

It IS the fugitive lunatic khandu and disguised as a woman!! Quick! The net! The duct tape! Don't let him slip away!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 09:10 PM

ROFLMAO! I think this is the best one yet...........

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 09:25 PM

Yo khanny... Pssssft... khanny.... Shhhussshhh.... Quiet, or they'll hear us...

Ahhh, yer welcome to stay in by double decker bus until this thing blows over...

But, fir Heaven's sake don't tell a soul, ir it'll be you and poor ol' me's butt in their fire.

Hey, I'll leave the key under the mat.

Rememeber, not a word to no one. Got it?

Cool.

Obertsbay...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 06:40 PM

Ballet??? Spaw, Cletus, Paw and the Reg Boys in a ballet????? HMMMMMM Nureyev and Miss Piggy did Swine Lake to death. What can we select for this crew?????? Giselle? Just think what Paw and Spaw would make of the Willies. Or Carmen. She does work in a match factory...that has possibilities. OH I KNOW!!!! The Firebird!

Tinker can handle costumes; Rick Fielding can build the sets. InObu can con his firefighter friends in to look things over just to make sure no one gets hurt. Is there a stage at the NYCFTTS? Can we use the Jell-o Pit? Red Jell-o, I think... I needed something to take my mind off my troubles. So...who's in???

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 06:44 PM

Dear Gawd,

Look down upon our troubled friends below and forgive them. It surely took transcendental brilliance to invent methane, but only the most perverted and abysmal confusion to become so fixated upon it!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 07:28 PM

Yes, your right about that Amos, but think of the story layout....
The heroine working at the local match factory...the new Church building of the Tongue Talking Bohunkers....across from the sewage treatment plant...

I can barely wait til the Fourth of July for the next episode in the saga.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 07:55 PM

Why July Fourth? Flag Day is June 19th. Hell! Mother's Day is the end of May. Isn't this Boiled Egg Week or Month????? matches and Spaw and boiled eggs...WOW!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 11:52 PM

Why are we wasting bandwidth on this when we could praise William Shatner? Why???

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 12:44 AM

Because on his best day, Shatner never sent even one Jesus Christ to the heavens. I recently received a note from Mr. Shatner to that effect and stating that he is often humbled in my presence and even upon simply hearing my name is filled with deep admiration. He went on to state that his life is often lonely, having no friends or admirers left, save one fuckin' pathetic, broke-dick, Mamalucca in the hinterlands of Ontario.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 01:38 AM

Holy Cow....Spaw Man ... you had a birthday and I missed it!! .. I do hope it was a happy one...I think of you often!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 06:41 AM

Don't worry LL, this is only the pre-game "Spaw's Unbirfday" thread. There's still a couple months of this to go before the real thing;~)

Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 11:09 AM

Hey LH... we've been seeing Mr. Shatner on some late nite re-runs of Third Rock From the Sun lately. He plays The Big Giant Head on that show. He's a funny man. Personally I think TBGH on TRFS is his best work so far.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 11:11 AM

'SPAW! How's the un-birthday coming?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 11:37 AM

This is such a strange community -- where else would you find people spending this much time on a birthday that never happened?

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 01:16 PM

Actually Amos, I object to your use of the word "strange." Simply because we don't understand something or that some belief is differenent than our personal norm is no reason to bring such thoughts as "strange" into a public forum........or words to that effect.

As it happens, I find the entire thing really freakin' weird! Here we have a birthday thread that has run for almost 3 weeks now and includes some of the wackiest postings to ever run on the 'Cat and in point of fact is celebrating a non-birthday............yeah, well........What can I say................strange may have it locked up in a nutshell....emphasis on "nuts."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 01:33 PM

The Mudcat is the world on the other side of the looking glass. What's so difficult to understand about that? Makes perfect sense to me...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 01:34 PM

More tea, Carol?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 01:36 PM

;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 01:38 PM

ROTFLMA, Pat. Only in your vicinity....maybe 6there's more topt his methane business than meets the .... um... eye.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 07:15 PM

Hmmmm...

Define "Mamalucca", please. I have to decide whether I've been impugned or not.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 08:51 PM

You know, I have never in my entire Mudcat life seen Joe Offer express his disdain for non-birthdays! Perhaps, he secretly likes them!! The coy little devil!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 10:20 PM

Ahhh, Amos...

Me and the Wes Ginny slide rule been at this fir at least 5 or 3 minutes and have come up with the corn-clusion that when it come to menthane it has nothin' to do with what "meets the eyes".

Ahhh, might wanta try another sense...

But, since Iz here, I can't 'member if I ever extendercated a Happy Unbirthday to Spawzer. Sorry, but in all the pyro-technics I kinda lostb rack of the fact that this ain't got a danged thing to do with yer birthday so let me go one record of jus' sayin' "Happy Non-Birthday, Spawzer, and many more...."

(Sniff, these un-birthdays get me all misty eyed...)

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 10:41 PM

Geez...got taken again!!!
You otta be ashamed of yer self Pat! Two years on the Cat and I've never had a birthday thead... and this isn't even the real thing...hmmm... makes one wonder!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 11:01 PM

Happy Birthday, Lyrical Lady!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 23 Apr 03 - 11:28 PM

Ditto, LL. And many, many more.

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 12:25 AM

LL --

Do NOT succumb to the temptation to be jealous of Spaw ... that way lies madness. Your real birthday is as gold over dross compared to his fraudulent one!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 07:02 AM

Hi Barb!!! Sorry you got taken in but on the other hand, you're now at least sharing a few non-birthday greetings with me! AS we go into week 4 of this non-birthday thread, let me wish you

HAPPY NON-BIRTHDAY
LYRICAL LADY!!!

There ya' go Barb, and when a real one hits, I promise you a real thread of your very own!!! Until then, let's ALL wish Barb a Happy Non-Birthday!

Spaw (Had a nasty attack a few weeks ago from slightly undercooked brown rice)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 01:04 PM

Happy No-Birthday Lyrical Lady and few, few less!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 01:12 PM

I am perfectly willing to wish anyone not having a birthday today the very merriest of un-birthdays!

Now - would everyone please move one place to the left?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 10:38 PM

Yes Mario....But will you do the same tomorrow???

HEY BARB.....When IS your real birthday anyway? I didn't see it in the list.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM

Barb, don't fall for that. He couldn't care less what date your birthday is! He is so transparent. He is just trying to keep this "un-birthday" thread on the board another day. Just watch...he will come up with some other lame idea soon, but we all see through him!

But, what the heck...the boy saved my brain!

Ken-I'm mo betta-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 12:56 PM

Well khandu, it was a small task. You do have a good thought in it though because just as this thread was about to drop off the daily list last night, YOU refreshed it!!!! It's not that I want the fame and glory, but at this point I have hope that it has become an irritation to garg! The temptation to ask it to be moved up top for awhile is pretty strong, but I think it might put poor Joe over the edge as well.

BARB!! When IS your birthday????

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 03:38 PM

Isn't this a musical thread, after all -- "Happy Birthday" is surely one of the oldest folksongs known!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 09:35 PM

Barb...we are waiting....when is your birthday?

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 01:11 AM

(Geeze, I hope no-one takes that last post seriously!!!)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 02:45 AM

August 14th... and if any of you forget I will be most upset!! LOL!
Sorry to hear about your rice attack Spaw!!.. I had one too! Not rice...raisins... is nothing sacred?!!
NOW PAT... when is YOUR real birthday??
Thanks for the good wishes... I feel completely un-done!!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 12:13 PM

Catspaw was never truly born - he evolved. From just what - no one is quite sure, though it is said that Cletus, Reg, Reg, and especially Reg have a number of theories.


Then there were those rumours about robots and 'we can rebuild him'

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Apr 03 - 12:23 PM

If you want everyone to move one seat to the left, MM, shout "Shift!" and sing "A very happy un-birthday to you (to me???) to you"

Maybe we can move this party over to the tavern and bring the Cheshire Cat along. He will drive the snat crazy with all his comings and goings.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 11:58 AM

LL... his bday is noted early in this thread but I don't have time right now to go back and get it for you. Seems to me it was in a post by CarolC, but I am going by memory here and my memory is gone.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 12:02 PM

Amos posted it in his first post to this thread:

"June 8, 1949 catspaw49"

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 12:06 PM

And him such a young fart, too!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 03 - 08:01 PM

Y'know, the more I peruse the Mudcat these days, the more I am struck by one fact:

There's not enough BS! Not enough weird shit.

That's what I like about this thread. It's inane, useless, and based on misleading and unlikely propositions. We need more such threads. The BS has been dwindling and dwindling around here, and it's lost a lot of ground to politics too.

I think we should all sit down for a bit and think up some new and imaginative BS and then get to it...

Spaw, I saw a new Shatner book today (well, an old one, actually, but it's new to me). It was at the used bookstore for a mere Cdn $7.50. What a deal, eh?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 12:27 AM

See if you can get two copies Hawk! You'll need one to shit on and the other to cover it up.

Ya' know, that June 8 date for my birthday is actually a bit misleading. Not exactly misleading, but it does have a story that recently reared it's ugly head when my DayTimer was stolen and I lost all my cards and stuff, including my Driver's License. actually it's not much of a story but as Hawk says, this thread is completely screwed anyway, so why not tell it?

Goes like this.........

I was in fact born at 2:30 AM on June 8, 1949 but someone seemed to have been so used to writing June 7, that they put June 7 on my birth certificate. As a kid it was fun because I got to have two days of birthday every year! And of course like any kid who has some extra info about anything, I was happy to tell everyone. My parents at some point filed for it to be changed and everything in my life is of course dated June 8, 1949. About a dozen years back I needed a certified copy of my birth certificate and when it cam, I noted that it still said June 7...gave me a chuckle but the people who needed it were satisfied.

Then my license has to be replaced a few weeks ago and I go in with my certified copy and the girl notices the difference between her computer info and the BC. I tell her my cutesy little story and she finds no humor (well it's not especially funny) and says I have to have the matching date on my license. Like the incredible dumbass that I am, I say okay. Big deal, my license will say the 7th. When I get my new license she informs me that the system has been updated. System? What system? The entire State of Ohio system, not just the Bureau of Motor Vehicles! I can hardly wait to see how this one begins to play out down the road. I am currently trying to get my birth certificate info changed but of course the first question THEY asked was "What date is on your Driver's License?"

I think I may be in trouble here.............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 07:03 AM

Leave it on the 7th... an extra day of Seniors' Discounts, of retirement, of pension... AND, you get to live one day longer.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 09:41 AM

Spaw, it just goes to show how long you have been a trouble-maker.

Obviously a true veteran.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 10:31 AM

Well, that explains a lot. Fucker started life confused. One day old and didn't even know what day he was born on. Jesus Horatio Christ! "Was I born today, or was it yesterday? I don't know! I'm so confused! Maybe I'll just make up some stupid shit and somebody'll be a big enough dumbass to believe me. Wait a minute! What's that smell? The one coming from that white thing that someone wrapped around my ass..."

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 02:55 PM

B-W-L... hehehehe. I suppose if Spaw asked someone if he looked like he was born yesterday....

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 03:30 PM

There seems to be only one copy of the Shatner book at the store, Spaw. What should I do?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 03:52 PM

Tear it in half and proceed as suggested...

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 09:58 PM

Damn! I been away for a few days and I come back and this danged thread is still hanging on. I swear...we all need professional help! (Except for me, that is, I just got some!)

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM

And if you don't post your song on that Mississippi Songs thread, you may get another treatment!!!! Now stop reading this and post the song on the other thread!

Amos, I am always inspired by your creativity! An elegant solution for the Hawkster.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 06:22 PM

Okay King, you must still be feeling the effects of those treatments as you posted the lyrics.....and they're damn good!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 06:52 PM

OK, you guys--inquiring minds (or what's left of them) want to know:

1. Did the Mortar Forkers finish the barbeque? Have they managed to cover all the windows in Spaw's house with cement yet? Karen said they did WHAT!!? with their trowels???

2. What explanation did the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers find for their condom-covered church? Surely a new cult is in the works?

3. Did Pene Azul ever manage to split up the forum so there's a separate section for BS threads? And who gets to vote on which is which?

4. Did Moped Mamma (aka Rustic Rebel) ever manage to puncture (?) enough of the Paul dolls to get her floating pleasure palace back on the ground?

5. Have Spaw, Tweed, Bobert, Will, Carol the Sailor, and the rest of you inspired lunatics taken your Prozac today?

6. Can we keep this thread on the board until Spaw's REAL birthday? Think how Garg's blood pressure will rise! Not to mention Joe Offer's!

7. Lyrical Lady, Happy Unbirthday today, too.

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 06:55 PM

Hey Spaw. The same thing happened with my Birth Certificate. But my parents wisely changed it themselves. Does this mean I can retire a day early if I can find the original?

Re: the civil servant with no sense of humor...When I adopted my son I had to apply for a Social Security Number for him. In the process I discovered that he already had three. Seems each foster mother took it upon herself to get the thing taken care of. That or someone was making a bit of money on deductions.

Anyway, I called Social Security, explained the problem and asked which number to use. WELL!!!! I got an earful of having committed a FEDERAL OFFENSE and I could be arrested for this etc. She demanded that I appear in person at SS and explain the mix-up. By now, (it took 1 1/2 years to get the adoption finalised) I had had enough red tape to last me a lifetime. So I responded "No". she went into an apoplectic fit threatening to have me arrested. I responded "Go ahead. I want to see how it plays out on the news when word gets out that Mrs. MiddleAmerica was arrested for adopting a kid no one wanted who happened to have three Social Security numbers". I may have used the "F" word once or twice.

I offered two possible solutions. First pick one of the numbers and we will use it or I will forget these first three ever existed and sign him up for a fourth using his adopted name. More threats followed. And I finished the conversation with "Okay. I will use all three as it suits me and you can try to figure it out" I was a bit angry.

Two days later a letter arrived. One number had been chosen from the three and a new card issued. Wish I had kept the other two numbers...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 08:01 PM

Way to go, Sins!! Love your style!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 08:14 PM

PROZAC????

We don't need no steenkin' PROZAC!!!!

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 08:29 PM

Spaw habz two birfday? He shor iz a lucky feller, and danged peculyer az well!
Yerz,
Tweedzrzz

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 08:43 PM

And 363 UnBirthdays. More in a Leap Year.
Prozac???? That's what I forgot today.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 10:17 PM

My Gawd!!! Do you know when Carol C started this BS??? April 10! This is April the Last. What's the deal here, people? Are ye so danged bored that you must involve yourselves in this Spaw-masturbatory thread?

Look...Spaw did the wonderful fireworks thingy that helped me regain my sanity, for which I am thankful. The boy did good. I am grateful. I am now restored to my normal asswhole personality.

But I am not eternally grateful! But it seems that this thread is eternal.

I admit that I went through a "Joe Offer fixation", and definitely needed help. I got it. Now, it appears that all of you have a quite severe case of "Spaw Fixation". Y'all all need help. So...GET IT!!!

Or at least, change the subject of your fixation...maybe Amos...yeah, that's it! Amos! Everybody go agog for Amos for a while. After all, he is quite a fixative subject. He...well, he...hmmmm, well now Amos is...

Never mind.

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 10:30 PM

Okay..I forgot to close my italics. Don't mean a damn thing!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 10:41 PM

Yes, it does mean something! You're not infallible.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 10:57 PM

You're missing the point, Ken. It's great that you're cured, but that was the point of the early part of this thread. The object now is just to keep the sumbitch from falling off of the page until Spaw's real birthday gets here on June 7th & 8th. It's not about you and it's not about farts and it's not even about Spaw anymore. Spaw's just the vessel that has been randomly chosen for this experiment in Mudcat thread excess. It's Jeff's fault for slickin' the program up to where we don't have to have that 100-post-limit anymore. The question at hand is, "Can we keep this stupid, dumbass, pointless, inane piece of crap thread going for two full months without Joe Offer having a frigging brain hemorrhage?"

Well, I'm gonna hit the "submit" button now and send the damned thing back to the top of the page again.

Bye,

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 11:38 PM

Atta boy, Bee-dubya-ell! Exactly, and so there!

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 11:57 PM

Khandu.....khandukhandukhandukhanduk.... Out of the Sanitarium, claiming to be "sane",...and then came
immediately back to this thread!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 30 Apr 03 - 11:59 PM

No Prozac for me... I never take any of those psychedelic drugs...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 May 03 - 12:20 AM

Well, there are some loose ends needing tied up, but thye seem to be more unraveled than tied up. The Boys sat over at the Tavern for two days before coming ot me and saying they were heading down to Southern Ohio to Bob Evans Farms.....you know, the sausage and restaurant places. After the foery demise of their last Crapper on Casters I was pretty worried about them but they seem in good spirits....and that worries me a lot more.

The Forkers? After completing the barbeque out back and half a smokeer pit, they headed back to Mississippi ad I thank whatever gods may be that they're gone. Seems they used Genuine Mississippi Mud Bricks which hadn't fully cured and we had a rain on Easter Sunday turning my backyard in the Delta and overflowing mud covered the neighbor's garden gnomes and now he's all pissed at me again. He's also pissed because...........Aw hell, I'm too tired to tell that sordid tale tonight. Later........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 01 May 03 - 12:23 AM

You hit the vapor-nail right on its little vapor-head, man. Amos is Never Mind personified, is what. He is so out, he's in!! I mean, that's out there, ya know? And as for fixatives, aside from occasionally getting my mitts stuck closed with Super Glue, I dunno about no fixatives. I've been through a few sticky wickets here and there, but somehow I always come out smelling like Teflon, eh?

Even without prozac.

So, khandu, I'm really not a target for this kinda crap. It would be like trying to thumbtack sunlight to a wall, ya know what I mean? Like trying to put a paintball through a moonbeam. Lassoing a fogbank. It just ain't in the works to happen, mah man.

So let's see -- why don't we celebrate the engagement of Hester and Lepus Rex?

There yah go -- run widdit!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bugsy
Date: 01 May 03 - 06:46 AM

You're not STILL celebrating birthdays are you you old Bastard?? You must be at least 140 not out!!


Happy Birthday and God bless mate!!


cheersw



bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: rangeroger
Date: 01 May 03 - 08:27 PM

Well,I was trying to make my birthday greetings coincide with my 1,000th post. Failing to post lately has delayed that.So,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE!

You need a good kick in the balls.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 01 May 03 - 11:44 PM

Well Lin, I ain't no Mopep Mamma no more, it's a long strange story, barely survived. You can read it here on ...The Gala Fireworks Display thread
I am happy to say I'm almost recovered and ready for a new adventure!
Peace. Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 02 May 03 - 01:11 AM

Wow! Thanks, Rustic, for directing me to that other thread--I was gonna have to up my dose of Effexor if I didn't find out what happened to all them Paul dolls! Glad you managed to get both feet back on the ground, even if the cotton candy didn't make a very good landing pad.

BTW, did anyone ever figure out what the Tongue Talking Mohunkers were planning to do with those bits of duct tape littered with yanked-out Khandu hair? That kind of thing could be dangerous in the wrong hands; improper disposal could cause monsters to evolve from the sewage plant across the street from their new church--I can see it now: it's the dark of night, and a furry, shambling creature stumbles from the door of the sewage plant, mumbling something about "Spaw!" and "Ducks!" in an exaggerated Southern drawl.

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 May 03 - 12:49 PM

Well, I just got a call, collect of course, from Cletus who now says they are back in the porta-potty business. Since their last one was destroyed in the Gala, I asked him how. He said, "Catspaw, we got it all worked out and now we just have a few things to do. We'll see you maybe on Sunday."..............right..........I don't know what to think. Last I knew they were going to Bob Evans Farm which makes sausage and runs restaurants. Now they're back in the porta-potty biz. I guess I'll find out whether i want to or not.....and somehow I don't.

BTW, I went out to fire up my grill the other night (since the barbeque built by khandu's forkers turned to mud) and found I had no propane. I mean I wasn't just out, the gawdamn tank was gone! If that wasn't bad enough, I met another neighbor who said his was missing too. Then when I came home, I peeked across the fence into the the other heighbor's backyard, the one with the garden gnomes.....and his is gone too. He's planning a big "Kentucky Derby Party" this weekend and when he finds his propane tank missing........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 02 May 03 - 04:57 PM

Uh-oh....I suspect some fertility rite has gone awry and wreaked undue influence on poor Spaw's brain. Hang tight, I can smell it coming....


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 02 May 03 - 05:44 PM

Alas! I fear terrible things about to come.

Don't y'all say I didn't warn you to stop this stuff. Ya shudda nipped it in the bud!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 03 - 03:39 PM

Yeah, I'm kinda' fearing what's to come myself. I can't figure out what all this stuff has to do with the others and as I have learned from long association with the Boys is that somehow it will....and it likely as not won't be pretty.

Paw called early this morning....once again collect....and said that they were just mounting the caster platforms on the SIX new crappers and they'd be ready to go. I asked him why they were at Bob Evans Farms for this and he launched into one of his long rambling tales that I couldn't make sense of at all. I guess they got them from Bob's place where I do remember them having them for their annual festivals on the farm. (Great fests btw....even had a chicken flying contest) I thought they rented them but I guess not. Then again Paw said something about "converting" them so I really have no idea what the hell is happening. It gets really hard listening to Paw at times since he punctuates everything with a fart which I can hear even over the phone. After all these years I should be used to it but trying to listen is tough when it's like, "Catspaw, these are some mighty **brawmp** fine crappers we got now and we done **flreep** changed the name of the company to **pert** PPPP Sanitation.**rriipppp**"

Christamighty....I can hardly wait. At least they ain't calling the "Crappers on Casters" anymore and that's plus! Paw said they already have contracted a job for next weekend so maybe things are turning around for them. Why can't I believe that?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 03 May 03 - 03:45 PM

....hmmff??..whatzat....Is it Spaw's birfday yet? And whut the hail does PPPPSantaTation stand for anyhoo.....Paw's Perdygood Porta-Pottys?....
Yerz,
Tweed
PS. I sure wisht I knowed how to refresh this thing, it's almost off the board.....

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 03 May 03 - 06:03 PM

Tweedzer, I thunk you have to type the word "refresh" in this box to refresh a thread. Otherwise it just grows stale.

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 03 May 03 - 07:10 PM

Khandu and Tweed:

This thread and the word "refresh" have absolutely nothing to do with one another...

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 03 May 03 - 08:12 PM

I can not disagree wif you Lin in Kansas. There is a sartin "un-freshness" about this entire, unwholesome chapter in this snakepit known only as the Mudcat BS section. We hab been placed on the back ob the bus, and rightfully so.
There ain't no higher form of BS then posting this photo, which I have reason to believe is a fine candid shot ob Paw (left) with the King of Mizzippi, performing at last year's Bolivar County BakedPossum Fest.

Why this is the BS section.jpg

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 03 May 03 - 08:56 PM

Well, I am cornfused. I admit, it looks like me but there is something amiss here. Maybe you can help me out there, Tweedzzzrrz. Did I, during my breif but severe mental malady, grow tits???!!
If this is me, the King, in the picture, please help me remember and what ever became of the tits? I sure could use 'em now. Hell, I'd put a mirror on my Royal ceiling and lie in bed and stare at my wonderful golden bonzoes all night! It'd sure save me a lot of money!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 03 May 03 - 09:12 PM

Deer Yore Lordship,
Ef yoo thinks them iz tits, then you wuz nursing on the wrong end of yore Mammy! Which culd explane a lotta things in yore behavior what habv been worryin' me lately..

Yerz,
Tweed
Coot d'Jour

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 03 - 11:29 PM

I don't think ya' got tits King....I think it appears that way as you are about to be fired out of Paw's ass and have reached the point in the exit where you're bunghole to bunghole and the added backpressure on your alimentary canal causes your chest to expand. But you see, as the massive Paw fart shoots you high in the air, the reverse effect occurs as your boobs discharge back through your ass and "cleans the barrel" so to speak. Same basic principle as a semi-automatic action in a rifle.

Or maybe ya' do got tits......Remember the old saying, "I was sad because I had no tits til I met a man that had no dick."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 May 03 - 01:01 AM

Bullshit! They're tits! I may be an ass man but, by God, I know tits when I see 'em and those are tits! What I wanna know is, "Where'd ya get the cute green sweater from, Kenny?".

By the way, the tits were just a short-term side effect of some of the ass-kickin' dope medications that you were given at the NYCFTTS. The docs have been doing these little experiments having something to do with giving all the male patients heavy doses of female hormones along with the usual Thorazine and Valium and Prozac and mescaline psylocibin vitamins. It's no wonder you don't remember them. I bet you don't remember the kittens with the electric eyes either. How about all the money you gave away when you decided you didn't need to eat anymore because you could live off of the energy you absorbed from other people's auras?

Fun bunch, those NYCFTTS docs.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 04 May 03 - 01:17 AM

Dammit Bruce, you're absolutely right, they ARE tits....and I'm not so sure that it's Kingkhandoo at all, I believe that it may very well be none other than ....Old Man Rafferty's wife! How she got stuck in Paw's ass iz beyond me though...

My humble apologies yore Highness, I will look in the Royal archives and see if I can locate your Grace's smiling countenance caught in mid-launch.

Yerz,
Tweed d'Cootz

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: rangeroger
Date: 04 May 03 - 01:50 AM

All I know is, that picture got me laughing so hard my chest hurt.

Tweedster, how do I make it bigger?

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 May 03 - 08:28 AM

Geez double r...."Tweedster, how do I make it bigger?"...............Man, do you really want to ask that? You think Tweed's got one of them pumps or what? I dunno'....maybe he does.....Come to think of it he used to advertize for them: "Yeah Friends, I used to have a miserable little half-inch prick, but after using the Johnny Wadd Peter Pump I now sport a boner the size of a half-eaten cocktail weenie!"........Yeah, that was Tweed..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 04 May 03 - 09:15 AM

LMAO!!
Dangit Spaw, and all that coming from a feller who kin use a peyote button to cover hiz privvits wif room to spare!!

rr, I kin set you up wif a load ob folks who iz got wayz to enlarge dang near anything wif any method. They sends me more emails than I got time to read and hab run up the credit card on these diverse products. I may have gone too far though, as lately I hab found it necklasary to tie a good sized weight on it and keep it from gettin' hung up in the ceiling fan...

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 04 May 03 - 08:18 PM

rangerroger, how do you make it bigger? You mean you need help?
All you small dick men should be happy that at least you don't have the Tanuki scrotum to go along with the small dicks! But then again, it might be fun to be carring your drum with you everywhere you go. Tanuki balls
Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 May 03 - 08:45 PM

HAPPY 200TH POST TO YOUR UNBIRTHDAY THREAD, ASSHOLE!!!!

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 04 May 03 - 10:04 PM

Sun-Pine Cleaner with Bleach is formulated for sinks, counter tops, tubs, tiles,toilets, and many other hard non-porous surfaces. Not for prolonged contact with metal, old porcelain or formica, or worn plastic laminate.

Directions: Spray carefully onto soiled area. For tough stains, let stand for one minute. Rub, wipe or rinse clean. Avoid contact with clothes, fabric, carpet, wood, painted and paper surfaces.

Keep out of reach of children.

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 05 May 03 - 12:40 AM

Khandu has slid into a parallel universe again -- he thinks he's June Cleaver!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 May 03 - 02:31 PM

I fear the boy still ain't altogether well.........

The Boys didn't show yesterday, but I got a call this morning from Paw who was as hard to understand as usual. It seems they still have a little work to do on the "aireyashun" system(?) whatever that is but they are anxious to get on the road because they have a long way to go. They said they'd stop by as they needed to pack up their other stuff. I asked Paw about the contracted job they have but all I could get was it was a fundraiser for some guy named Benny who has a foundattion of some sort. Beats me. Probably some Cosa Nostra type for all they know.....Benny "The Blaster" Carpaletti or something huh? LOL....Oh well, we'll see...........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 05 May 03 - 03:15 PM

Khandu has slid into a parallel universe again -- he thinks he's June Cleaver!

How do we know he isn't June Cleaver? Hmmmmmm?

(hmmmm... )

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 May 03 - 03:57 PM

I suppose he could be Carol.......I've heard that he can be awfully hard on the Beaver..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 05 May 03 - 08:20 PM

I am amazed! No...Stunned!!! Carol the Strange C-sick Sailor can actually play an accordian and hum!!!! I didn't know accordian players could carry a tune!

But enough fluff; now for something important.

Glade sprays blend natural fragrance oils to create uniquely inviting fragrances for your home.
Glade Country Garden brings the rich frangrance of a summer garden into your home.
"Created by Nature...Captured by Glade!"

Directions: Shake well before each use, hold can upright, press button and spray toward center of room.

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 05 May 03 - 08:32 PM

Who says I can carry a tune? And I defy you to find anyone who will tell you that I can!

Humpfh!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 06 May 03 - 12:26 AM

Really yore Lordship, first it was Penelope Rutledge and now you believe yoreself to be June Cleaver.....what uniform will you put on next? Hazel's? The live in maid on the Brady Bunch? Will you soon be taking up the accordian and become CarolC as well?

I fear that Yore condition worsens by the hour and must implore you to return to the Institute as soon as you finish cleaning out the dog's dish. They have massive storerooms of disinfectants and scented room fresheners and I'm certain they could arrange for you to sit among these things and reflect on this increasingly bizarre behavior you are exhibiting of late.

I have brought the Royal Cherokee Headress and will leave it under the kitchen sink that you may find it while looking for a dried sponge or old dust cloth. Hopefully it may jolt you back to normal, or at least to the point prior to Spaw's unbirthday and the Exploding sex doll fiasco.

Yerz,
Tweed,
Duke d'Coot, K.O.T.R.O.T.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 06 May 03 - 10:22 AM

Carol - you could always get a tune-bucket; that's what Owain Cramp (the pre-minstrel) did.

Happy Unbirthday to everyone - except Mooman and any one else celebrating

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 06 May 03 - 08:13 PM

DG Guarantee Lemon Scented Dusting Spray
Cleans and dusts surfaces fast!   Contains no wax or silicone!
Light, pleasant emon Scent! No Residue Build-up!

Use DG Guarantee Dusting Spray to clean and dust many more areas than furniture polish, without leaving a waxy build-up!

Great for Cleaning and Dusting:
Appliances    Countertops
Blinds and Shades    Floors
Cabinets    Furniture (all types!)
Car Dashboards   Paneling
Ceiling Fans   Refrigerators

Note If the finish is very old or unknown, check on an inconspicuous area.

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 06 May 03 - 09:57 PM

How To Properly Tune a Guitar in the "DADGBE" Tuning:

If your guitar is tuned in the standard "EADGBE" follow instructions "A".

Instructions "A"

Lower the low E string to "D".
Leave the "A" string alone.
Don't mess with the "D" string.
The "G" string is okay as it is. Do not re-tune.
Temporarily ignore the "B" string.
Do nothing with the high "E" string.

After following the preceding instructions to a "tee", your guitar should be tuned to "DADGBE". If not, see instructions "2"

Instructions "2"

Repeat instructions "A"

If your guitar is not tuned to the standard "EADGBE" follow instructions "M"

Instructions "M":

Tune your guitar to "EADGBE" then follow instructions "A"

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 07 May 03 - 08:13 AM

Scented sprays... okay. Cleaning sprays... okay. But, guitar tuning instructions ? You've gone too far.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 07 May 03 - 06:24 PM

Obviously a subtle attempt (??) to have this thread moved to the top with the "music" threads.

Joe? Looks pretty "techie" to me...

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 07 May 03 - 09:31 PM

Music is a wonderful thing
Unless it sucks like "rap"
Some music makes me feel
Insecure and vunerable, such as the old
Cat Stevens song "I Can't Keep It In"

I feel like I can't keep it in
Such is life

Keeping it in is a good thing
Harry Lee Wigley so
And he should know
No one could realize it more than he.
Desparately, he kept it in
Until he died.

Initially, I planned a secret message in this post.

khandu, King of Mississippi

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 07 May 03 - 10:10 PM

Oh yes, have I mentioned the Mississippi Mudcat gathering (sort of)?

Tweed, Bobertz and I are planning on meeting in Como, Mississippi on May 24. We will be there to hear a great musician named B. B. King, known world-wide for his jazzy banjo style.

Tweed, who is also known world-wide for his wonderful web site, Tweedshiphop, as well as his unusual "Badly Recorded Rap", shall join BB on stage and do a number written by Bobert, "Thousand Dollar Car".

Bobert will do his sultry, yet provacative routine of interpretive dance to the fine previously recorded tune of "Thick as a Brick", by Jethro Tull.

All in all, it shall prove to be a grand evening in Como. I shall be on hand to take photos and sign autographs at a dollar each.

Come, join in...make this THE Mudcat Gathering of the year!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 May 03 - 10:23 PM

I'm just posting to this thread to pop it up top so we can have "Happy Birthday Spaw", "The Mother of All BS Threads", "Rant Here...", and the one about Shatner and the horse jizm all 4 at the top. Sort of like a cosmic alignment of bullshit.

Bruce BWLRPLOM-KOT

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 May 03 - 10:42 PM

This thread is the Father of All BS Threads...

I dread to think what progeny it may produce if crossed now with the other one...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 May 03 - 11:28 PM

I can't tell this tale tonite.........I am worn out. My mind is still racing with the thoughts of the new outhouses that Cletus and the Boys have.........They are creative...up to a point............ohgawd...........it was unreal...............I need some Tylenol and maybe some serious drugs too.............It wasn't a major debacle, just another in the long line of..........I dunno'.... Call the "events" that dot.....no, make that copletely and wholly smear.....my relationship to these guys............Wonder if I still have a joint hidden around here somewhere............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 May 03 - 12:00 AM

It is now May, 8, Mudcat time. It is now exactly one month until Spaw's real birthday.

Let us pause and take a moment to recommit ourselves to the charge of keeping this wondrous piece of crap on the page until that date. It's a tough job, but we can do it! Brothers and sisters, I want you to take the pledge.

Repeat after me:

I (whoever the fuck I am) do hereby promise to not allow Spaw's unbirthday thread to fall off of the page at any time during the next month. If I see it drifting toward the bottom I will think of something witty, profound, or incredibly stupid to say so that it may return to its proper place of honor at the top of the page.

It's a tough challenge, but I know we can see it through.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 03 - 12:18 AM

Oh, bull. I am not making any corny vows to support an imaginary thread cwelebrating th eunbirthday of a fictional character. I mean enough is enough, don't you think. Here's this synthetic identitiy with little or no relationship to the actual big-hearted shmoo we call Spaw, and this identity has this whole sort of invisible-pals universe poplulated by perverted possums, out-house traders, peeing statues, and religous icons which fart. Right? And this cartoon universe, several notches worse than North Park or the Simpsons, peopled with these fictitious characters whoa re themselves the figment of the fevered brain of a synthetic personality created by someone who was only marginally balanced to begin with, is now going to be the basis for an oath and vow? A commitment, based on honor and integrity? I don't THINNNNNKKKKK so!!

WAKE UP, AMUURIKA!!!!

. (Pitts off).

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 May 03 - 01:00 AM

It's a fucking joke, Amos! Been drinkin' or is quittin' cigarettes kickin' yore ass that hard?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 08 May 03 - 06:46 AM

Take a deep breath Amos and now repeat:

I Amos,so hereby promise to not allow Spaw's unbirthday thread to fall off of the page at any time during the next month. If I see it drifting toward the bottom I will think of something witty, profound, or incredibly stupid to say so that it may return to its proper place of honor at the top of the page.

Take the vow Amos, everything will be fine and all tobacco cravings will disappear. I have printed the Poet Lariat's words and now carry them in my wallet for reference whenever I see Marlboro lights on sale for 27.50 a carton.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 08 May 03 - 10:10 AM

I just think it's great that there is an un-birthday thread going. Face it, roughly 364 times more people have un-birthdays then birthdays each day. an UN-birthday gives so many more people a chance to celebrate. It also gives most people something in common - hey! it's *my* un-birthday too! Let's party!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 03 - 10:40 AM

Bee-dubya:

Mine was, as well...Earl Pitts, Amurikan Redneck, is a comedy monologue artist who ends all his diatribes with "Wake up, Amurika...Pitts off". 'It's a fucking joke', as one profound contributor to these strange pages wrote. :>)

Regards,

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 May 03 - 12:44 PM

Thanks for the clarification there, Amos. Sorry that I hadn't heard of Earl Pitts or I would've probably caught the joke. I has become a bit culturally illiterate since takin' the Browning to the TV.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 May 03 - 01:42 PM

Earl Pitts, American is a product of the warped mind of Gary Burbank of WLW 700 radio in Cincinnati. WLW is one of the original 50,000 watt stations that Crosley set up and it still is heard all over the country today. It's now an "All Talk" station and has been for years with a collection of wackos with shows. The trucker who reported and blockaded the Washington DC sniper in Maryland, originally called in to WLW's "Truckin' Bozo" which is the all night show that a lot of truckers can pick up a long ways off.   The station also has some conservative and super conservative shows with really outspoken but humorous DJ's. Also a few liberals, not many, that they can throw togethere for on-air fights!   

Gary Burbank is the odd-man out as he doesn't talk politics unless there's a good joke in it. He has several characters including Earl Pitts (which is syndicated). He does this really dumbass thing called the "Senseless Survey" where they call people and ask questions that are totally off the wall. Even though he says "Senseless" and not "Census" most people miss it and their reactions are just too much.

My favorite Burbank persona is Gilbert Gnarley, a pensioner who lives at the Mount Pia Zadora Retirement Home. Gilbert calls folks too.....like the State of Ohio to ask about hunting and fishing licenses:

Um....uh, yeah....I wuz wundrin if you needed a huntin license for deer? Ya' see I already got me a fishin' license and I hate to spend the money if I don't have to? The woman tells him the law and he responds, Well, what if you wuz to take your fishin pole an bait it with an ear of corn? Then maybe ya cast it out into a school of deer....

You get the idea. He called Chrysler with an idea for edible airbags and got pushed up the line so far that a bigwig got really pissed and WLW had to issue an apology. He called one National Supply to complain about this "chewing gum" he got out of one of their machines which lasted forever but never did have any flavor..."tasted kinda' rubber like and chewed like it too." He called Pizza Hut and explained he was driving from Knoxville to Toledo and wanted a pizza but since he had a "non-stop trip tick" from AAA he couldn't stop so he was calling on his cell phone hoping they could throw one into his car out on I-75. Or barring that, maybe he could drive in circles around their parking lot and the exchange could be made. Gilbert called the Cincy Municipal Water and Sewer Department and explained he lived at the Mt. Pia Zadora home and was an old feller on a fixed income. He said he accidentally dropped 87 cents in change down into the gutter during that big rain they had and it went down the sewer. He knew it would end up at their place and he was inquiring as to how he might go about "recovering his funds." The poor guy on the other end couldn't explain that things didn't work that way and offered to send him the money out of his own pocket. Burbank, even when totally ridiculous, is THAT convincing!

Obviously, he's my kind of guy! I always wished I was in a situation where he might call me. I'd have Cletus or Paw on the horn in a heartbeat!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 03 - 05:29 PM

This is just the sort of thing that we need more of. This Burbank guy sounds great.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 May 03 - 08:06 PM

Amazing that you can see that Hawkster....maybe there is some hope for you......at least a little maybe........well, a damn little to be frank.......

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 09 May 03 - 12:34 AM

Happy birthday, ya raunchy old bastard. I showed up just for your birthday, Grease. Don't you still owe me a title and a set of keys?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 May 03 - 03:36 AM

HEY LEEJ!!!!!!

Man, if that's what it takes to get you back here more Blondie, I'll fix you up with a title and keys to any Yugo you can find still running.....I mean I know those things are about your speed........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Fortunato
Date: 09 May 03 - 11:09 AM

Hey, 'spaw,
I know it's your @#$%ing birthday, but 3:36am! A man of your advanced age and dissipated condition ought to get SOME sleep. Oh, and happy @#$%ing birthday, whenever it is. How old are you anyway?Oh and I wanted to tell you Ian's guitar, remember the Blueridge you checked out for me, well it's turning out to be a great guitar despite the fact that the songs he plays are being studied by noted demonologists for secret Cabbalistic references and all the small mammals have moved out of Silver Spring to escape the sound of his death/slash/night of the living dead vocals and we've all been practicing our best parenting saying encouraging things like: "yes, your band has a lot of energy, and yes the spontaneous mosh pit in the high school auditorium was a sign they like your music, that is until the principal became incontinent when you started your last song, and oh yes your fans leaped about like insane apes and caterwauled, clearly showing their enthusiasm with their
gibbering giggles and hysterical laughter and so you see without your assistance we wouldn't be having all this fun. Did I mention "Happy $%^&ing Birthday?
Chance

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 09 May 03 - 07:57 PM

I was thinking of that 78 Chevette with the big-ass quad cylinders you've got parked out behind the shithouse. Y'know the one with the "Eat More Possum" bumper sticker and the Gene Vincent tape jammed in the 8 Track. Knock off some o' that rust, change the front seat blanket, and she'll be one passion pit on wheels, spawser.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 09 May 03 - 09:04 PM

"There is more to be considered, and less to be assumed." Harry Lee Wigley-1973

Actually, after much pondering and ruminating, I have to say that I think cheese is a good thing. Of course, I had always "assumed" that it was good, but, listening to the words of Great Wisdom of Harry Lee Wigley, I now "consider" it to be a good thing.

Before anyone jumps in to disagree, I ask this question...Have you "assumed" or have you "considered"?

Think about it.

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 09 May 03 - 11:06 PM

YAESS!!! Another wonderful idea from my dear bud, Mr. Caspaw49 of Ohio! My GAWD! Even Amos must express his awe at the intelligence that is demonstrated here at the Mudcat Cafe. I, yes...even I, am agog!
new heights of complete and utter imbecility and nonsense!!! Hell, even the Grand Third Duck of Pelahatchie, Joe Offer, must be saying "What hath God wrought?"

This "new heights" thingy...it has never been done before. This changes things. No longer are these to be just "THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS" and "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAW. Together, they now are a quest! A quest for greatness unparallelled in the anus of time! Truly, these will be called "Wonders of the Civilized World"!

Think of it!!! In 500 years, history buffs will discuss the Iron Age, the Ice Age, the Age of Reason and....THE QUEST!!!!

How can we mark such a great moment! I am giddy with glorious exaltation!

Surely, this is one small step for man, one giant LUNGE for mankind!

I think this calls for...








THE CUTTING OF THE CHEESE!!!!!!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 May 03 - 11:55 PM

I tell ya' Leej, maybe you're onto something there.....It is a sexy beast ain't it?

Now King, let me say thanks for seeing the sense in the idea so HERE, let me also say that Bruce has written a work of unsurpassed quality, beauty and truth. I am in awe of his greatness.......Anyone not seeing Bruce's work needs to cross over to the MOTHER thread....I'm replying here in our new cross threading effort.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 10 May 03 - 10:16 AM

*shudder,shudder,shudder,flinch*

TMI

I did NOT need to know you were encouraging cross-threading.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 May 03 - 02:23 PM

I don't know what everyone is going on about... I cross-threaded in my first post to the "Mother of BS" thread. What's the big deal?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 May 03 - 08:49 PM

Carol the Sailor as usual, trying to steal glory. First from me, now from Spaw. It is a pitiful sight, indeed.

But on to more important matters.

What I want to know, and, I am certain many other thoughful people want to know, is...Why isn't Oral Roberts dead?

I am confused. In 1986, God told him to raise $8 million. If he failed to raise the money, God would "take him outta here".

However, God also told him that if he did, indeedy, raise the 8 mill, God would give Oral 15 more years of life.

Now here is where God's addition and mine do not jive. 1986 plus 15 =2001.(I tried it on four different calculators and they all gave the same sum!) Oral was supposed to die 2 years ago, yet, he lives?

What gives?

Any knowledgeable theologians or mathmeticians out there with an answer?

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 03 - 09:53 PM

Maybe he wasn't really talking to God -- maybe his version of talking to God is telepathically linking to some lost, beaten, down-at-heel, pathetic, degraded, delusory leftover of a spirit who used to be, say, a wino in the Bowery, amd who drifted away from New York and his body on a cold winter night, leaving his mortal shell behind and ending up wandering aimlessly until he found himself babbling in Oral's ear.

If this is the case, as I suspect it is, he could hardly be expected to keep a portentous agreement, probably not even to remember one!

Is it Spaw's Birthday yet?

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 May 03 - 10:00 PM

Glory? What glory?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 03 - 10:06 PM

Incisive question!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 May 03 - 11:25 PM

Carol C, Jack the Sailor has spoken. The problem is settled!
Now, on to more important things.

Little Hawk, who has shone the Light of Wisdom thousands of times in this forum, must use Everready batteries. His Flashlight of Wisdom has not grown dim in this dark and dreary land. He has again been a beacon in the night!

Yes, we must descend to the depths as well as ascend to the heights. Only in doing this may we find Truth. The imbecile and the genius are one and the same. We are but passengers in a circle of fifths. Circles are round, they go on forever, as shall we. To enjoy and appreciate the revolution and the mark we make in this turning, we must explore the depths with as much applomb as we traipse the heights.

We fear not in doing this for we are Men, and the merry-go-round was made for Men. We are not hamsters who ride the wheel towards infinity and go nowhere. We are infinity.

Little Hawk, in his Wisdom, has subtly voiced all this in his wonderfully charasmatic way. And, eons ago, he discovered that subtlety is the loudest of whispers, echoing through the hearts and minds of men, shaping thoughts and feelings. An ancient and ageless soul is he. I applaud him.

I have known him forever and shall forever know him.

He is the hand which claps in harmonic opposition with Catspaw.

khandu of the eternal

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:08 AM

Happy happy Mother's Day to you, Spaw, and to all you other Mothers out there!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:00 PM

THIS JUST IN....

artbrooks has been promoted from the KING'S PERSONAL BIDET to EVERYONE'S PERSONAL BIDET!!!

I ask that all of you rush to take advantage of this promotion! The boy is good!

King khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 12:25 PM

At least test for fit -- we don't want no fall-ins 'round these parts.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley
Date: 11 May 03 - 03:55 PM

There are those for whom Life is a piccalilli sandwich. To those, I do not speak.

I speak to those who see Life as a Buffet. A Feast!

Look upon the table, all is there for you to enjoy. Take what you choose, as much as you choose, and return for more, as you desire.

Nothing upon the table is forbidden. Take what you will!

Know this, in your taking, not all things are good for you. Some things may be loaded with sugars, salts, cholesterol, carbs. Have them if you wish...but be aware of possible detriment.

Life is a Buffet- All you can eat!

Enjoy!

HLW

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:35 PM

Have a dill pickle, Mister Wigley, extra salty, extra tart. Mayhap it will straighten out your head muscles.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: skarpi
Date: 11 May 03 - 04:43 PM

HAppy birthday Spaw , from Skarpi Iceland.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 11 May 03 - 10:50 PM

Alas, I saw poor Spaw sinking low so I decided to act, and act quickly! We have a wee bit less than a month to go before the real Birthday, but this does not mean we can be lax!

We must not let ennui grip us in his boring hands! We must be vigilant! Wake up, Catadelphia!! The MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS is catching up with this one, and it is as inane as this one has ever been! Plus, Spawzer's popularity is at stake here! We cannot let it be said that we grew weary of a Spaw Thread! That would not only be a slap in the face of Spaw, but a slap in the face of Humanity!

And I personally think highly of both, and I would not want them to be slapped in the face!

So get with it! Post! Post! Post!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:18 PM

My Dere Lord Khnaknargh,

Your pompomz are ever at the ready.
Even slathered down wif pomade
They wave and flut like dandylinos in autumn!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 11 May 03 - 11:30 PM

This definitely calls for single malt. No other remedy wil serve!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:51 AM

I thought perhaps that in light of this non celebrating and non birthday thread, I might put here in one place and for the record, a listing or copy of some of my most profound and thoughtful posts. I had this thought three days ago and now, 72 hours later, I still can't find any. I'm going to keep looking because I know that somewhere over the past 5 years and 18,912 posts (including this one) there is great wisdom, pathos, and beauty, in what I have said. Sadly I find that Ed is right perhaps and I have "infected every thread" with musings on flatulence............***sigh***............Well hell, screw Ed and the horse he rode in on...No sense letting this one pass either..............

BBBRRRAAAAWWWWMMMPPP

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 03:43 PM

Hell, Spaw, no need to get your dander up just because of some fly-by-night like Elle Bong Blowheart wants to seed the ground with parsimony -- it's just typical transcendental Onanism, is all it is!

Now, you obviously haven't been looking very hard, because I have a clear recollection that at least 13% of your stuff over the last few years has been profound, compassionate, sensitive or insightful -- one or the other. Well...maybe 6...well...4%? Do I hear 2.5?


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 May 03 - 08:57 PM

Two things that my Lucky Wife, Cheryl, and I were discussing just this morning (incidentally, these are two of our favorite subjects of discussion!) were "the meaning of Life" and "Spaw's Farts"

We failed to reach any agreement or headway with the meaning of Life. However, when it came to discussing Spaw's Farts, she finally agreed to give a whiff the next chance she gets.

I could hardly believe my fortuitous eyes when I opened this thread and immediately sensed a fresh Spaw fart! I quickly called my Lucky Wife to my side and told her to "Breathe deeply". She could hardly believe her nose! It was a grand moment...a moment of marital bonding, almost too intimate to share, even with my friends!

Is this what they mean when they speak of "Nirvana"?

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Sheeney Knause
Date: 12 May 03 - 09:42 PM

Wate! Aint this the "Mammy of all BS treds". Dadgummit, Ah gess Ah sawntered into the rong place.
Whut is that Goawful smell? Sumboddy best open a winder.
Whut Ah wants to knoe and whut Ah'm shore a buncha utter peepel wanna knoe is Why dont the manajers uv this place shet this sillie tred down.
Thet feller...uh, whuts hiz name..Jawfer, yeah thets it. Why dont Jawfer sinceser this buncha xkpees frum sum menial instertewshun and brang sum order heer?

Ah thank old Jawfer has seed it has gone to far and he dont knoe whut to do about it, sos he is probly jist attemeptating to igmo it and hop it all goze away. But Ah thinks it is like siffluss, it wont go away no madder how much yew hop it duz. I shud knoe!

Ah hop this dont erfend yew peepel,Ah jist dont thank this sorta thang shud be aloud on this kinda forem. In sted, yew cud talk about sumpin hailthy like termadders and ternip greans er bootlaig whuskie.

I thank it is gudd ideer

Sheeney

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 May 03 - 09:54 PM

Ya' know Ken, when I get to worryin' and frettin' over the fact that I know I have multiple screws more than a little loose, I think of you and about a dozen others in this place and I realize......

There is more than one Bozo on this bus.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 03 - 10:37 PM

Oh, Spaw:

You only worry about that when some weisenheimer has been getting under your skin with transcendental transparencies (spiritual power-point presentations?) and blarneystone metamuckle. There are makers of joy in the world, there are takers of joy in the world, and there are fakers of joy. You clearly have never left the first category.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 12 May 03 - 10:51 PM

I'll second that emotion!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:01 PM

Ah, hell, Amos and PERVEYOR OF BEAUTY gotta get all mushy. Geez, guys, ya both know that Spaw is bozo! Get real!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:01 PM

NOTICE OF MUDCAT MOMENTOUS OCCASION!!!!

The cummulative total number of posts to the "Happy Birthday, Spaw" thread and "The Mother of All BS Threads" has now reached or exceeded 500 posts. Way to go, whackos! Truly a milestone in the anals of bullshit! Now let's give 'em our cheer!

Whatta we want?
BULLSHIT
Whatta we need?
BULLSHIT
Whatta we got?
BULLSHIT
Whatter we full of?
BULLSHIT

Bruce or any of them other names you wanna call me by but just don't call me late for dinner.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:11 PM

YAY!!! ENCORE! ENCORE!!
Let's have another one just like the other one!!!

Kk

YAY!!! ENCORE! ENCORE!!

Let's have another one just like the other one!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 May 03 - 11:23 PM

Pathetic, that's what it is. Some 240 or more posts already on this witless thread, and no sign of cessation. God help us! This is why the BS got ghetto-ized on Mudcat, shoved to a lowly place at the bottom of the page, where it festers in isolation.

Still, as the FATHER OF ALL BS THREADS this thread is fulfilling its destiny, and all is as it should be.

I think...

Therefore I am.

Wow.

How profound.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 13 May 03 - 02:54 AM

LH--You am what??

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 May 03 - 06:28 PM

Lin, he barely AM so try not to pin him down huh? Actually most of us are in the same boat, but we're trying to find shore whereas LH is investigating a spider web he found around the drain plug. My biggest fear is that land will just barely be in sight and the dumbass will remove the plug for a better view.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 13 May 03 - 10:22 PM

I am...therefore I think!

HERE IT IS!!! THE MOTHER/FATHER OF ALL BS THREAD QUIZ!!!

Each question is worth 10 points. The bonus is worthless. The person who gets them all correct FIRST shall win a...

SINGED BEARMAT!!!!!

Naw...just foolin'!

A signed photo of someone!

All questions are music-related (as is the answers!) except one (to make it harder!), it is TV related.

So here goes!

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD QUIZ!!!!



!1…The first in the trio, the guitarist/singer died in 1970, the bassist died Sunday. If things follow a pattern, the drummer better watch out in 2036! Who is the drummer?

2…"Your wise men don't know how it feels to be…" WHAT?

3…Hootie and the Blowfish quoted what Dylan song in one of their songs?

4…The "Blues Magoos" had one "hit" in the mid-sixties. What was it?

5… The chord progression of "Hotel California" was inspired by what song?

6…This lap-slide player/singer/songwriter says he would not have ever learned to play had he not heard MJH. He was also on "Avalon Blues", the Hurt tribute album. Who is he?

7…Who starred as Quentin Collins?

8…"------- bound, ------- bound, it's good to be ------- bound". Fill in the blank. Who wrote the song?

9…This session drummer for many artists (Derek and the Dominoes, Zappa, Lennon, etc.) killed his mom and is in prison. Who is he?

10…Roger Miller covered this song, then Janis Joplin. What was it?

Bonus! It gets you no points but I am taking a poll!
Spaw's farts are:
(A)       Delightful
(B)       Pleasantly pungent
(C)       Pleasantly putrid
(D)       All the above

Go to it, boys and grills!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 03 - 11:24 PM

Khandu is weakening -- he's resorting to "CTRL-C", "CTRL-V" as a substitute for generating more BS. It's one of those "Ah nivver thunk thet well 'ud run DRY, Maw!!" phenomena. Unsettling, isn't it??

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 May 03 - 12:05 AM

I could help you remove your boots...in a perfect world.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 14 May 03 - 01:27 AM

On a thread like this, removing my boots would be tantamount to diving overboard with an anchor in my pocket...or maybe I'm just glad to see ya!! :>)


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 14 May 03 - 08:36 AM

ooh! ooh!

#8 All the blanks fill in with "tightly" - written by Madonna

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 14 May 03 - 09:42 PM

Kelly's (Quality since 1938) Beef Tamales with sauce.

Ingredients:
Water, beef, corn meal, oat flakes, less than 2% salt, chili pepper, tomato past, modified food starch, soybean oil, high fructose corn syrup, caramel color, jalapenos, spices and natural flavorings.

Visit our website at www.kellysfoods.com

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 14 May 03 - 10:02 PM

Okay. I will make the Quiz more interesting, not much more, but a little more!

To the first person who gets all the correct answers, I will send a tape of two of my songs, one of which my daer Jessup was too "shakin' in his shorts" scared to put on the Mudcat CD, and which Sir Pee in his Pants Tweed was to scared to put on his website for fear of female reprisals, called "You're Just a Woman".

The other song is a delightful romp called "The Tamale Song" which has special guests (horses, cats, dogs and apes) joining in!

Winner gets Two Original khandu Songs!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 15 May 03 - 03:45 AM

Your Majesty Khandu:

How did you manage to get a menagerie like that to sing along with you? Let's see...bribery materials: hay, cream, beef bones and bananas--yetch! Nearly every farmyard I've been in has the first three critters, but I've never run onto one with apes--?? Were you hallucinating again?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 May 03 - 10:26 AM

Lin,

The ape was really Tweed after a pint of Mississippi Delta moonshine.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 May 03 - 07:31 PM

It's been an intersting 24 hours here.

Karen went on a field trip with Michael's class yesterday. She works all night, so she went straightto the field trip drom work. We had worked in as much sleep as possible the day before so she was feeling good. They got home at 3:30 and I had burgers on the grill already prepared. After listening to the reports of the field trip, I started slicing onions and tomato with this super fine veggie slicer we bought awhile back. Got a little careless and combined a chunk of my thumb with the onions! About a half inch by a quarter inch, but just deep enough to open the capillaries. Since I take coumadin this can be a problem. Pressure would keep it from bleeding, but I needed a pressure bandage and we tried the firehouse but they weren't too swift and my friend Wayne was fishing, so it was off to the ER.   Sat in the damn ER for 3 hours and went to traige then said the hell with it and came home, stopping to buy appropriate bandaging materials along the way. Karen called off work of course and is really whipped by this point. I wasn't much better as I'd slept only about 3 hours myself. Got back home at midnight and dressed the cut.

Got up at 5 needing a dressing change so woke Karen and we both decided that the kids were as whipped as we were so we gave them a mental health day off school and we all went back to bed.

Had a funny part in all of this though........I had just sliced myself and was holding pressure on it. I walked to the garage to get something while karen looked up in the medicine cabinet for other stuff. I walk back in and the sink has red splashes all over it, here hands and wrists are red, and there is a large wet, red, stain on her nightgown. She's got a wad of paper towels and wiping at the sink and I stare at her and ask what the hell happened. Turns out a bottle of nail polish fell out and broke......but for a moment there I was pretty worried!!! Of course the smell hit me about the same time so........She said that the momentary look on my face was priceless.

Anyway, I called my Doc today...She's out of town, but I talked to one of her partners to ask about antibiotics. Since it was clean and bled well and we're taking good care with Betadyne and Neosporin and well bandaged, he said we could just keep an eye on it for now. Anything starts to look bad, and I call. This is only a problem because all bacteria and viruses invading your body LOVE metal parts, if you have any, and of cours I do. Things are fine now, but my thumb hurts like hell. Also had to throw out the onion since a piece of me was in there and none of us are into the cannibal thing.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Áine
Date: 15 May 03 - 08:30 PM

Damn, Spaw! What are you trying to do, match my record of domestic accidents??? Come on now, leave me my rep, OK -- it was hard won, ya know. ;-)

Take care of that thumb, now -- but, on the other hand, it's nice to know that you pull it out of your saggy tortoise ass on the odd occassion (hehehehe).

Heal quick and send us pictures of the scar, Áine

(P.S. Happy Belated Birthday, you ol' goat - luv ya muchly)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 15 May 03 - 09:44 PM

Dadnabbit, Spaw...you cudda sent that chunk of thumb down here, My dawg loves chewing on Ohians! Keep us posted on how things go, Buddy! We love you and want to know!

Lin, how did I do it?..ever heard of a cattle prod (hot stick)? Works wonders.

Bee dubya, you get one point fer fingering out that the Ape is really Tweezers...but I gotz to tell ya...he ain't no Great Ape!

Spaw, your accident reminds me of a true happening from a few years back. A pal of mine, whom I will call "Tweed", invited my family and I over to a cook-out. He was to be the "burger-miester" and do the grilling.

Now, Tweed is a bit overweight and it was a hot July day. So he took his shirt off while grilling.

His wife, my family and I stayed indoors while he grilled. Shortly after the cookout began, my wife motioned me to the window and told me to watch.

There was Tweed, spatula in hand, no shirt, belly hanging over his belt, sweating profusely over the grill. Sweat falling upon the food as it cooked. Then we watched in disgust as we saw him swatting at flies with the spatula. But it did get worse. While flipping a burger, he dropped one onto the ground and actually picked it up, wipe it off, looked around to see if anyone was looking and put it back on the grill.

The final straw was when we saw him using the spatula as a back-scratcher!

Wifey immediately feigned a severe headache (maybe it was real!) and we went home.

We ever after found reasons to send our regrets at every cookout invitation he invited us to!

Ken

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 15 May 03 - 10:09 PM

I just gotta ask WHY you decided to call him Tweed, Ken....ornery personality?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 15 May 03 - 10:17 PM

Well, Dear Jessup, The fellow and Tweed have much in common...both are coarse and both are the asses of horses...so, I saw it a befitting tribute to Tweed. ;-)

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 15 May 03 - 11:16 PM

I have been experiencing the lovely lunar eclipse, thanks to Rustic Rebel for the heads-up!

I'll bet the lunatics (Tweed and his ilk are really howling it up out there!

Of course, I am certain there is a lot of howling out in California as well as Ohio, too!

All is calm in Mississippi!

Ken

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 16 May 03 - 12:41 AM

Ain't it something?? It just thrills and chills me. As though it reminds me that there was a time when movign among such majestic objects was as ordinary as driving to North Hollywood.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 May 03 - 03:10 PM

Yeah.....I was howling 'cause my thumb hurts like a mortar forker!

We had just enough cloud cover to spoil it a bit, but it was still pretty neat.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 16 May 03 - 03:44 PM

See, now here's what I don't understand. King khandu said his feelings were hurt because Tweed decided to become my subject. I must admit, it is nice having someone say they want to be your subject, but since khandu said it hurt his feelings, and since I never want to hurt anybody's feelings, I did my best to dissuade Tweed from this idea. Now, khandu and Tweed are at each other's throats all over this thread and the other thread, so it never really had anything to do with me anyway. So pftttt to you and your little dogs too...

CarolC, Ms McGill 2001

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 16 May 03 - 04:23 PM

Carol C:

The ways of BS are much like the secrets of a woman's heart -- they cause dazzling displays, but are not to be understood by mere mortals...

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 May 03 - 08:34 PM

And King khandu is not a mere mortal!!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 May 03 - 09:44 PM

QUICK EVERYBODY!! Go to TWEED'S PAGE...It does not work!!!

WHY???? BECAUSE THE TWEEDIOT FOCKED UP HIS OWN WEB SITE!!!!! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!

WHAT A BLOOMIN' IDIOT!!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 16 May 03 - 10:26 PM

Hey, everybody!! I just tried Tweed's page and found a web radio to some really great Blues. Tweed's Page ROOOOLZ!



A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 16 May 03 - 11:40 PM

Thank you Amos for that very unselfish and mostly un-doubletongued plug.

kingKhispykreme, I knew you would find great glee in this minor setback of mine and you've fallen into the trap. Imagine yore embarrassment when the Tweedboard emerges yet again, like the phoenix from the ashes....in a week or so after I figger out what the hell to do to get it back together again....AND I WILL DO IT. Let thar be no error in thinking that I am out obv my element dabbling in the .php arts as I am wont to do.

Carol the SailorGirl, you are Queen MOAB and must wear the crown and play the accordian or I will no doubt lose my mind.

Spaw, where are the RegBoys and do they know anything about databases?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 May 03 - 04:23 PM

Hey Brucie!!! D'ya remember this????:
From: Bee-dubya-ell - PM
Date: 08 May 03 - 12:00 AM

It is now May, 8, Mudcat time. It is now exactly one month until Spaw's real birthday.

I (whoever the fuck I am) do hereby promise to not allow Spaw's unbirthday thread to fall off of the page at any time during the next month. If I see it drifting toward the bottom I will think of something witty, profound, or incredibly stupid to say so that it may return to its proper place of honor at the top of the page.

It's a tough challenge, but I know we can see it through.

Bruce

Whatsamatter. baby? Forget your vow????

This thread has been saved from the bottom by me, khandu, twice in the last two days. And you, Mr. KNOWER OF HOW TO BREAK A VOW, have not posted since the 15th!!!

If you can't handle it, punch your card and go to the house. We will find somebody who can handle it!!

Big Talk by Big Mouths with Small Memorys.

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 17 May 03 - 05:48 PM

Your Most Esteemed Majeste-Lese:

Allow to repeat that should you continue this antagonistic abuse of those who have shown you their support by accepting ridiculous hats in your imaginary hegemony, such as Lickerr of the Royal Cooking Spoon and Clanger of the Royal Medicine Balls, that you shall indeed find your very fantasies turning against you, as though possessed of a mind of their own. In fact, however, they will only be responding to the projection of your Will to be engaged in combat with others to whom you can then attribute inferior status, thus rendering yourself Right in your own mind.

I urge you to desist from this aberrant conduct and rediscover the power of generosity and the clarion leverage afforded by Royal Praise.

Else thy very kingdom trembles at its foundations, made rotten by the Dark Side of Power.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 17 May 03 - 08:25 PM

HOG-FEEDERS SONG.

OH, rise up, my ladies! Lissen unter me!
Gwoop !Gwoop / ~ Cee-woop IGao-wheel
Im a-gwine dis night fer ter knock along er you!
Gwoop /Cwoop / Cee-woop /Coo-whoo /
Pig-goo / pig-gee / Gee-o-whee /

Oh, de stars look bright des like dey gwineter fall,
En way todes sundown you year de kildee call:
Stee-wee! Kilidee IPig-goo / pig-gee /
Pig / pig! pig-gao! Pig / pig! pig-gee /

De blue barrer squeal, kaze he cant squeeze froo,
En he hump up he back des like n****** do
Oh, humpty-umpty blue! Pig-gee! pig-gool
Pig / pig / pig-gee / Pig! pig! pig-gao I

Oh, rise up, my ladies! Lissen unter me!
Cwoop IGwoopee / Cee-woop ICoo-wheel
Im a-gwine dis night a-gallantin out wid you!
Gwoop IGwoopee / Gee-woop I Goo-whool
Pig-goo / pig-gee! Gee-o-whee /

Ole sow got sense des ez shos youer bon,
Kaze she taken hunch de baskit fer ter shatter out
co n
Maam, you make too free! Pig-goo / pig-gee /
Pig/pig! pig-gool Pig I pig! pig-gee /

Wen pig git fat, he better stay close,
Kaze fat pig nice fer ter hide out en roas
Oh, roas pig, shoo! Pi~ogeeI pig-gool
Pig! pig! pig-gee! Pig! pig! pig-goo I

Oh, rise up, my ladies! Lissen unter me!
Gwoop !Gwoopee / Gee-woop !Goo-whee I
Im a-gwine dis night fer ter knock aroun wid you!
Gwoop !Gwoopee I Gee-woop ICoo-whoa!
Pig-goal pig-gee I Cee-o-whee

"actually a real song found in the LOC, no BS!~Tweed"

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 May 03 - 10:55 PM

khandu

Stop bein' such a jerk. Some of us do have lives outside of this forum. Mine's been pretty full the last few days.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 18 May 03 - 02:47 AM

So driving back from Auburn, Alabama this evening, we (JtS, me, and a friend of ours) were talking about talking cars. We were complaining about the smugly self-satisfied male voice some cars have that says things like "A-Door-Is-A-Jar! A-Door-Is-A-Jar!"

JtS said, "This is how a Newfie car would sound: Arhhh! Shut the f*cking door!!! Was you born on a raft?! And clean off them headlights, too!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 18 May 03 - 11:24 AM

Reflush.

Poor Tweed, his dreams are shattered and all he can speak is gobbledygook. Tis sad to see someone disintergrate before your eyes.

bee-dubya, let me remind you...I know where the bodies are buried!

Three weeks til the BIRTHDAY, folks. Only 21 days!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 18 May 03 - 12:53 PM

Rolfy posted this at TWEED'S SORRY ASSED WEBSITE, and I felt it worthy of stealing for Spaw's Birthday!

THIS shows the remarkable and wonderful improvements which the people of Mississippi suffered under my Glorious Reign!!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:09 PM

ohmygawd..........The trailers are nice and all, but I gotta' get me some of them TEEF!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:15 PM

Yes! Those teef will make even the most "damned" yankee look just like a good ole Southern boy in his prime!

Dazzle the ladies, impress the gentle men, enthrall your spouse...why, there's 1001 use for these things!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: rangeroger
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:21 PM

As this thread is falling behind the Mother of All BS threads by over 50 posts, I thought I might as well add another 2 cents worth and make this my 1000th post on the Mudcat.

I know this pales in insignificance next to Spaw's prodigious posting efforts,but it is a milestone for me in my almost 3 1/2 years as a Mudcatter.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:40 PM

Hey Rangerroger, the 1000th post is more important than the 10,000th, cause there never would have been 10,000 without the 1000! Gosh, I am smart...I get that from hanging around Spaw and Tweed!

Remember folks...only three weeks til the BIG DAY!! PM all your friends and tell them to post post post on this thread to help keep it alive til then!!

The MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS is slowly dying, but we MUST NOT ALLOW THIS ONE TO DIE BEFORE ITS TIME!!!

POST! POST! POST!

Ken

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:56 PM

As I have said, the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS(MOAB) is dying. She may hang on a few more days but she grows weaker with each passing day. She has been a delight and shall be forever honored.

And with the end of MOAB will come the end of the Glorious and Triumphant Reign of khandu, The King of All Mississippi. I have accomplished the tasks for which I came...to make Mississippi and the world a better place and to bring them to the Land of MOAB!

My throne shall not be filled by another...for indeed, who could fill it??? Instead, it shall become a Memorial to remind the future generations of the Glories One Man Can Do (khandu!)! It shall be a symbol of "HOPE" for the despondent, a symbol of "CAN-DO" for the nay-sayers, and more importantly, as symbol of BS for the pious.

Thank you all for the wonderfully massive amount of BS! We shall whiff it forever!

A Sad but Wiser khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 18 May 03 - 10:09 PM

You are hopelessly nutz, khandoo. As long as thar is BS at Mudcat, MOAB will survive.

Three more weeks Spaw? Mebbe we should send a box ob leftover BlowUp Wimmen for you to cavort wif. I hear thar feetures are molded from that crack whore Penelope Rutabaga obv Twitly.

Come to Mississippi and we'll git you a cake or a sack obv deepfried Twinkies which ar all the rage these days.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 18 May 03 - 10:13 PM

Yeah! Time to plug Slick Ballinger and the Mississippi Mudcat Gathering and add another post to this thread!!

SLICK BALLINGER LIVE AT COMO,MISSISSIPPI MAY 24!!! IN ATTENDANCE WILL BE TWEED, BOBERT, kHANDU AND ANY OTHER CATTER WHO WANTS TO COME!!!

PM Tweed for details!!!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 19 May 03 - 12:02 AM

We won't be in Mississippi until mid-June (Tupelo and also Memphis TN). We'll be at the Kerrville Festival (TX) on May 24th. Any other Mudcatters going to Kerrville?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 May 03 - 07:33 PM

Despite the snideness, rudeness and totally uncalled-for viciousness toward yours truly expressed in his post of 17 May 03 - 04:23 PM, the soon-to-be-former King of Mississippi does bring up a valid point. The goal of keeping this glorious thread from falling off of the page must be kept in mind, particularly during the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. Many 'Catters will be at festivals and other such diversions over the weekend and the possibility that this thread may not be refreshed looms ominously. Therefore, it falls upon our non-U.S. brothers and sisters to whom Memorial Day doesn't mean squat to keep this thread alive while we play music, drink beer, roast hot dogs and kill ourselves on the highways.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 19 May 03 - 09:48 PM

"Despite the snideness, rudeness and totally uncalled-for viciousness toward yours truly ...

My dear bee-dubya-ell, in re-reading what I posted, I realized that I did indeed sound snide and rude. Forgive me. I truly intended to put a ";-)" at the end. The omission has caused a rumple in your feelings that I wish I could undo!

You are definitely in my "highly thought of" list, and I honestly apologize for my error.

I will seek to be more attentive and less rude and snide!

Ken

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 19 May 03 - 10:56 PM

Must we place a winker ";~)" after each snidely comment that we make? Is it necessary to do on this thread of all threads to denote a ribbing after a good kick in the balls? After all, this is Spaw's birthday thread and therefore complete and total BS.

LaKhandoo wrote a clever little verse that nearly offended me either here or on MOAB with the clincher being something about Tweed smelling like shit and of course it was TRUE! I realized that due to uncontainable mirth I had shat myself no less than a dozen times reading all this crap and then, goddammit if I didn't laugh so hard I shat myself again!!

O, it's all glorious wonderful BS and almost Spaw's birfday too!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 19 May 03 - 11:28 PM

WARNING!! THIS POST IS NOT BS AND THEREFORE DOES NOT BELONG ON THIS THREAD. IF ANY FEEL IT SHOULD NOT BE HERE< READ NO FURTHER!!!WARNING!!!

Because this and the MOAB thread are the most pure, undefiled BS I have had the pleasure to come across in quite some time, I have considered all postings and all statements made in the postings as BS.

Personally, I did not take offense when artbrooks called me an "SOB" (which I am not!), and I trust that he did not take offense when I pronounced him the "King's Personal Bidet". I meant it in the spirit of BS. I consider artbrooks a fine fellow whom I would never disparage outside of this BS.

In the same manner, I regard you all highly. I have enjoyed the inanities which have been posted here, believing it all to be done in the spirit of fun and silliness.

Perhaps I crossed a line that I did not see. Perhaps I have given offense where none was intended.

I have "dissed" Amos, Bruce, Art, Tweed and others during the life of these two threads. I have been "dissed" by them also.

Truly, I have meant absolutely no disrespect to any of you, because I respect all of you.

If there are any issues any of you would like to discuss with me, by all means, PM me.

Ken

NOW...BACK TO THE BS!! ...20 DAYS TILL SPAW'S BIRTHDAY!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 20 May 03 - 12:28 AM

Well, your effing and ineffable Majesty, the one burning question that enquiring minds truly want to know is this:

do you know how many personalities are battling for dominance in that thin-walled bonebox of yours? Or have you totally lost count? I think I have. Maybe they should hold a democratic election!!! :>)

A
First Vowel

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: darkriver
Date: 20 May 03 - 03:37 AM

Quoth khandu:
I have "dissed" Amos, Bruce, Art, Tweed and others during the life of these two threads. I have been "dissed" by them also.

Truly, I have meant absolutely no disrespect to any of you, because I respect all of you.

This reminds me, kinda, of part of Sammy Davis Jr's autobiog, Yes, I Can, in which he quotes a conversation between Himself and Frank Sinatra:

"F*ck you!" Frank told me.
"No, f*ck you!" I said. But the love and the respect was always there.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 May 03 - 03:18 PM

Gee, is Spaw still alive?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 20 May 03 - 03:24 PM

sometimes Barely - but his heart takes a licking and keeps on ticking (literally)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 20 May 03 - 09:33 PM

Flatulence Helps Fight Disease (Med-Tech Center Monday)
http://go.hotwired.com/news/medtech/0,1286,58897,00.html/wn_ascii

British scientists say a high-tech flatus test may be the solution for
those tough-to-diagnose stomach bugs. While flatulence may be the stuff
of jokes, the gas could provide the 'chemical fingerprints' to diagnose
digestive infections.

There ya go, Spawser -- the Brits are asking you to write a world-sized novel 's worth of chemical fingerprints!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 20 May 03 - 10:04 PM

Amos, to answer the burning question, I have called the great minds of Mississippi to join me here to determine the number. But it may take time to give an approximate number, since the great minds have difficulty finding their way to Tupelo.

BTW- p s ls!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 May 03 - 06:30 PM

Yeah Amos, they tested that thing on me, the whole diagnosis idea. They finally came back with a medical diagnosis that was less than what I would have expected out of such a professional group.

"Based upon analysis of several reputable testing methods we believe that something crawled up your asshole and died."

BTW, I heard from the Boys and it seems they ran into a problem with their Florida job for the Benny Bright bunch. I'm still trying to figure out the details but Cletus kept telling me something about their new potties were somehow "innaprorate" or something.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Desdemona
Date: 21 May 03 - 06:37 PM

Many happy returns of the day!

D.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 May 03 - 09:15 PM

Nice to know we're still getting good wishes! The day has yet to return, but I'm saving them until it does.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Desdemona
Date: 22 May 03 - 01:09 PM

Unfortunately, that may mean you'll be 200 years old, in one fell swoop!

D.

(Just had a real one---boo hoo---in April, but it beats the alternative, right?)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 22 May 03 - 10:26 PM

"Oh my Gawd! Help him!!! He is dying!! He has swallowed his nose!!!"

"No need to worry, I am a sheetmetal worker and everything is under control."

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 23 May 03 - 02:02 AM

"Ya load 16 days, and whattaya get?
Another year older and deep in regret!
St. Peter dontcha call me, 'cause I can't go--
I gotta post to 'Spaw's thread. Let the birthdays roll..."

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 May 03 - 01:01 PM

This thread is the most anticlimactic piece of nonsense I've seen in my entire life. I think if David Bowie had been exposed to such crap he might never have been inspired to write great songs like "Space Oddity". I think if Shakespeare had been exposed to such crap he would have committed suicide by injesting his own eyeballs and hanging himself. I think I'll go have lunch. See ya.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 May 03 - 03:11 PM

Hawk, now that you have been exposed to it I fully expect you to cut your balls off while igniting a fart.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 May 03 - 04:00 PM

I'm weighing the pros and cons of that right now, Spaw...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 May 03 - 05:50 PM

Well, you could make yourself a little ass deflector shield so that the fart blast exits between your legs. Then if you cut your balls off first the blast will cauterize the wound.

Hope this helps!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 23 May 03 - 06:17 PM

But remember - on June 8th not one post to this thread!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 May 03 - 12:06 PM

It's good to know who your real friends are when contemplating self-mutilation/immolation...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 24 May 03 - 09:24 PM

Well, dangit, even as I type, I was supposed to be in Como, MS tonight with the Tweedster and the Bobertz, listening to Slick Ballinger pick some mean blues. Instead, due to a malfunction in my car's electrical system, I am confined to posting on this thread!

Sad times in Tupelo tonight!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 25 May 03 - 01:36 AM

Possibly the moment of greatest disappointment in the musical arena was the day the Shatner/ Dylan recording session was cancelled. There are many rumors as to why it fell apart, but I believe the biggest stumbling block was humility. Both were so humbled by the presence of the other that they actually argued over who would get top billing. Dylan said it should be "Bill & Bob", Shatner said "Bob and Bill". When the difference of viewpoint evolved into a heated exchange, physical blows were thrown. It is unclear as to who threw the first punch.

Perhaps Little Hawk has more info to add...

A little known fact about these sessions was that the man chosen to play the banjo on several tracks was Tom Jones. Jones is an exceptional banjoist. Before he sold out to the "What's New, Pussycat" crap, he had released a bluegrass album entitled "Front Porch Pickin'". Unfortunately, the album was pulled from the shelves when Jones became the sex-symbol. His manager did not want such a babe-magnet to be associated with something as "hokey" as bluegrass.

I heard the "Front Porch Pickin'" album while visiting a friend in Texas. It is mind-boggling! Jones' breakneck picking is incredible, and he actually had a fine bluegrass singing voice.

I tried to purchase the album from my friend, but he would not depart with it.

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 May 03 - 04:32 PM

Damn! I've never even seen that Tom Jones album. I've got to go and visit Johhny Death and see if he's got it. He has a collection of at least 75,000 vinyl albums, and it's increasing all the time.

Ah yes, the fabled Dylan/Shatner sessions. Well, yes, tempers got badly frayed. Some say it was mutual admiration that led to the altercation. Some say it was mutual contempt. Some say it was too much expensive Scotch whiskey (from Dylan's private stash).

At any rate, Dylan, though being a small man, is wiry and tough. Apparently he wrestled Shatner to the studio floor and bounced his head off the linoleum a couple of times. (Dylan has had prior experience with this technique, having practiced it years ago on A.J.Weberman after Weberman was caught by Sara Dylan going through their garbage. Weberman is also bigger than Dylan, but he got trounced by his idol.) Studio personnel then separated them. Shatner was heard to say that he had not resorted to his starship captain karate moves out of respect for Dylan's place in popular music. "I would have destroyed him if I'd let loose," Bill said. "The only thing worse that I can imagine the world losing is me."

Dylan said something too, but it was less polite than that...

Various legal threats and counterthreats were then issued, but the matter was allowed to quietly die after Shatner agreed that the existing outtakes would be destroyed.

Dark rumours persist, however, that 3 tapes survived, spirited out by a studio technician. If found, they would be worth their weight in just about anything at this point. I'd give anything for one of them, except a weekend with Winona Ryder...and I don't have that anyway, so it's a moot point.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 25 May 03 - 05:19 PM

Thank you very much, LH, for the wonderful bit of info. I am certain Shatner and Dylan fans from all over the world are grateful and gratified.

If is amazing to me that so few have the ability, as does Little Hawk, to see Greatness! I am delighted that we have such a one here at Mudcat that recognizes such outstanding examples of the best of humanity as Shatner and Harry Lee Wigley. This is truly a wonderful place!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 May 03 - 05:23 PM

Another incredibly rare recording is the "Elvis Naked in Las Vegas" live album. I'll see if I can get some info on it too.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: rangeroger
Date: 25 May 03 - 07:40 PM

This thread is now almost 100 posts behind the MOAB thread. This cannot be allowed to continue.

As I have nothing to do today,I will add another post to bring it back up. This is the first Memorial Day Sunday in 17 years that I have NOT been at the Strawberry Music Festival, so I will have to support this thread until it is Spaw's birthday,or just go to Ohio and kick him in the balls.

Maybe I'll just fart instead.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 May 03 - 08:14 PM

No, RR, don't do that. You might offend someone. By all means, go to Ohio and kick him in the balls. :-)

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 25 May 03 - 08:19 PM

I agree with LH. And I have it on good authority that Spaw loves a good kick in the balls!

Ain't Life Grand?

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 26 May 03 - 08:11 PM

Damn! That was close. This thread was at the very bottom of the BS section!!! We cannot let this fall outta sight!!

Reflush! Reflush! Reflush! That's the word!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 26 May 03 - 11:55 PM

Khandar, iz you somesorta magical clone person or somfin? I mek mention obv this only because yore posts are running conversely to normal time and the laist one iz placed eggzackerly 8 minutes before the secont to laist!! At this rate it won't never get to be pore Spaw's birfday until sometime two years ago. Mebbe Spaw will become younger an younger and turn back into an infant, and mebbe even further and become the world's mos' flattulant sperm cell or mebbe if it goes even further........ I cain't do it. I must go an lay down and rest my mind a while......

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 May 03 - 12:22 PM

Which brings to mind a vitally important question which perhaps only Spaw can supply the answer to.

Do whales fart?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 May 03 - 07:57 PM

Tweed, my man, how much did you drink on your pilgrimage to the Delta country? Khandu's posts were not eight minutes apart. They were twenty-three hours and fifty-two minutes apart. They were on different days! The thread almost slipped off the page!

If that dreaded event had occurred, I would have had to bear part of the responsibility. For even though I live way out in the country where there is no cable and I have a crappy dial-up connection that refuses to even let me stay online at all if there is a thunderstorm within a day's drive and, yes, it was raining last night, the continuity of this thread is far more important than a mere individual's choice of lifestyle. If necessary, I will sell my humble country abode, abandon my pastoral lifestyle, and move to the vile concrete and crime-ridden city and live in a condominium so I can have a cable modem just so I can assume personal responsibility for the welfare of this thread.

On second thought, screw this thread. I'm staying here.

And, sure, whales fart. In fact, it was not an iceberg that sunk The Titanic. It was a huge frozen whale fart. That's why it was so difficult to see. It came rising up from the depths and popped up to the surface just in time for The Titanic to ram it. It's also quite possible that many of the disappearances in The Bermuda Triangle can be attributed to whale farts but I'll leave it up to some other whacko to work out exactly how.

Bruce

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 May 03 - 08:56 PM

"Wowee...pretty scary!" (obscure Bob Dylan quote)

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 May 03 - 10:12 PM

I'd like to take this moment and speak on the matter of whale farts. Actually, I have no certain knowledge on the subject but can only extrapolate from other available data.   Because we are close relatives, I would assume that whales fart. More to the point however, I have witnessed with my own eyes that manatees do indeed fart which lends additional credence to the concept of a whale fart.

Manatee farts are quite impressive.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 27 May 03 - 10:14 PM

LH, I thought that quote was made famous by Tom Jones, who had stolen it from Harry Lee Wigley.

bee-dubja, I believe people are beginning to realize why you are the Knower of Things! You continue to amaze me!

Tweedzerz, wake up, it is yesterday already. Dammit, man! You have slept all the way through tomorrow! (Hey, didn't I say that next Friday? Hmmmmmm. Ain't that Dayja Vu?)

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 03 - 12:23 AM

Nothing that Harry Lee Wigley ever did could be characterized as obscure!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 03 - 10:13 PM

There is no justification for continuing to post to this idiotic thread. None whatsoever. Everybody stop now, I say!

Oh, shit.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 May 03 - 10:23 PM

Hi! My name is Bruce and I'm a Mudcatter. (Hi, Bruce!) By the grace of God and the through the things I've learned on the Mudcat Cafe, I have been a Mudcatter for 825 days. (Applause!) I don't really have anything I'd like to share tonight. I think I'll just listen. It's good to be here.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 28 May 03 - 10:43 PM

For the interest of maintaining a semblance of sanity to this thread I would like to acknowledge the fact that whales fart, but I can't so I will instead submit this photo.
Just for you Spaw. Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 28 May 03 - 11:37 PM

Can you now see why I named Rustic rebel as the King's Purveyor of Beauty! She has an eerie knack for such things!

Oh, hello, Bruce, welcome to the Cat!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 03 - 07:07 PM

I'm still waiting for a logical explanation for why Shatner was at Kerrville. I could be waiting over on the "Shatner Sighted at Kerrville" thread, but this one needed refreshing anyway.

Actually, I'm not waiting. I'm going to play music and won't be home for about six hours. If anybody has an answer, just post it anywhere. This thread, that thread, MOAB - doesn't matter - I'll find it.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 May 03 - 08:22 PM

I believe he lives near there, Bruce. Why wouldn't he be there? Bill is a cool guy, and his presence adds lustre to any social occasion, so the Kerrville festival naturally took advantage of that by having him greet people as they arrived.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 29 May 03 - 09:32 PM

A little known, obscure factoid!

In the mid to late fifties, Shatner was considered THE figure-head of the Folk Movement. He was a prolific songwriter, penning such great songs as "We Are The Ones Who Are" and the politically scathing lampoon called "Women Who Spit".

Burl Ives once called him "The man upon whom the future of Folk Music resides". Pete Seeger opened for Shatner at the infamous Bloomer, Arkansas Folk Festival of 1959.

As an added note, in 1958, Shatner brought a young Welshman to America and introduced him to the Folkies and took him into the studio. The Welshman was an incredible banjo picker and was a hammered dulcimer whiz. From these sessions came the "Front Porch Pickin'" LP by Thomas Jones, with Shatner singing harmony and playing the hurdy-gurdy.

Five years later, the young Welshman became a hot sex-symbol named Tom Jones, singing "What's New, Pussycat?"

Inexplicably, Shatner dropped the Folk scene like a hot tamale when Henry Cabot Lodge ran for Vice-President.

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 30 May 03 - 08:56 PM

Reflush

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 30 May 03 - 09:02 PM

7 days, 2 hours and 56 minutes to go!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 May 03 - 09:11 PM

Rustic Rebel.....That site is a riot! I looked thrrough some of the photos and just cracked up.....as is happening in the one you linked!!!

How did we ever start this simple shit?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 30 May 03 - 10:36 PM

Dangitalltoheck! We have striven to keep this alive till the Big Day, and now Mudcat is going down for 10 days, meaning that we will miss the Finale!!

So let me take the op to say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAWZERZ!!! I LOVE YA, BRO!!

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,CarolC
Date: 31 May 03 - 12:34 AM

hahahahahahahaha...

Perfect ending.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 May 03 - 12:41 AM

I agree Carol!!!!

.......Say Goodnight Gracie.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 03 - 09:55 AM

The 'Cat is going DOWN for ten days !

So,

Happy Birthday to you,
Birthday to you,
dear Spaw,
Happy you.

May your birthday candles never ignite your effluvient!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: JennyO
Date: 31 May 03 - 12:38 PM

All this build-up, and the 'Cat is probably going to be down for the hyster...historic occasion.

So a hap..hap..hap..py burpday 2 U in advance, from down-under.

Jenny

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 May 03 - 01:59 PM

"The best laid plans of mice and men...."

All our glorious plans to keep this piece of crap thread on the page for two months waylaid by somebody singin' "Movin' Day" to Max.

As it now appears that we will be unable to celebrate either of Spaw's real birthdays in the fashion which they so richly deserve, let us just say.....

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY

PLEASE PICK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:

A) ASSHOLE
B) JACK-OFF
C) DIPSHIT
D) ALL OF THE ABOVE

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 31 May 03 - 06:44 PM

Of course, we could continue this on The TWEEDSTERS Web Site !! I am certain he would be thrilled!

Peace!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 04:46 AM

What did you expect ?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 08:59 AM

There's what? Three days to go? And then "Unbirthday" greetings?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 02:02 PM

Well, hell! Forget what I said above. Now that it appears that we will be able to celebrate in the proper fashion, I'll think of something even more obnoxious to say.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 04:32 PM

Okay, there's always...

e) dumbass
f) lunkhead
g) jackass
h) scuzbucket
i) buzzard-breath

All kidding aside, I think it's great that Mudcat is back on line and we can all do something nice for Spaw's birthday. Everyone who can should send him one of those Big-Mouth Billy Bass talking-fish-on-a-plaque things they were selling all over the place a couple of years ago till everyone got REALLY SICK of them!

You can find 'em for a song at garage sales everywhere. Buy one and send it to Spaw now!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 10:09 PM

I am in a foul, fetid, lousy-assed, grumbling mood tonight, but I still ain't gonna let this thread disappear off the board (at least while I am on-line), so just consider this a foul, fetid, lousy-assed, grumbling reflush!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 10:26 PM

Fush-GLURK!!! Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle...GLOOONK!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 09:09 AM

I understand that Bill Shatner will be sending his congratulations.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 07:31 PM

Only two more days and it will be THE DAY!!! I shall remain true to the quest to keep this thread alive till then, and then I shall take a month or two(or three) off from Mudcat (except for one musical thread which I will be posting soon), to concentrate on my navel and other important, yet oft neglected, things.

Two more days....

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:20 PM

Nay, King khandu! You must perform yet one more feat before retiring to contemplate your navel. The MOAB approacheth the mystical 500 post mark. That 500th post MUST be made by our King himself and no other. After that you may do whatever you wanna.

Bee etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:51 PM

After such a heart-felt command from the KNOWER OF THINGS, I shall postpone seeing to my navel until post #500 on the MOAB should it go that far!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 09:49 PM

Spaw is partial to singing/dancing/stuffed turkeys. Or Lionel clocks with the the whistling, smoking train that goes off at odd times and sounds like a tornado coming through the center of town. Any noisy, singing, piece of crap you can find will do.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 10:08 PM

Any noisy, singing, piece of crap you can find will do.

You mean like Lisa Marie Presley?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 01:24 AM

Actually, more like Yoko Ono.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 10:30 AM

thirteen hours and 25 minutes to go.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 07:18 PM

The countdown has begun and I am on the edge of my seat!!! I think I shall pop a Guinness at midnight in honor of the Spawzer and to all those dear demented souls who have helped to keep Carol C's "Happy Birthday, Spaw" thread alive and well!! Here's to you all!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 07:51 PM

Only Four hours left, yer Mudjusty!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 07:56 PM

According to the clocks at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, UTC (GMT)has reached midnight. I would like, therefore, to be the first to congratulate Spaw on reaching this age.

Spaw, when I was living in Ohio there was a traditional Ohioan birthday wish, and I pass it on to you:

May your swage block never crack, and may you never turn your back to your birthday candles.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 12:11 AM

Well, the official Mudcat clock says it's after 12 PM so it is now really Spaw's birthday. So....

HAPPY REAL BIRTHDAY!!!!

Let the frivolity begin!

YEEEEEE-HAW!!!!

Bubba-dubya-ell

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 12:16 AM

YES! LET THE CONFETTI FLY, LET THE ROYAL DANCING TARTS DANCE! THE DAY HAS ARRIVED!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE AND ONLY CATSPAW49!!!!

LONG MAY HE FART!!!!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 06:25 AM

Last night, in your honour, I had a large BBQ'd steak for supper, copious Bud's and three slices of extra onion pizza for a bedtime snack. Them ain't trumpets you're hearing from the Maritimes. I wish you a flatulent day.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mrs Cobble
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 06:34 AM

Greetings on the anniversary of your natal day Spaw   ....... Have a great day.

Mrs C

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 08:39 AM

Dere Spaw,
Happy Birfdya to you at las! I hope yore day is filled wif great joy and glee.
May you laugh so hard that you sh*t yore pants!

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Giac
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 10:18 AM

Yeah, Happy Day, you old fart! May you reach far beyond advanced geezerhood, continuing to assault nasal linings.

Mary

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 10:49 AM

So happy birthday then, eh!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 11:30 AM

Happy Birthday!

(now you're as old as I am)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 12:17 PM

I wasn't ever going to post to this nonsense, esp. knowing how much Joe hates B-day threads. I also thought the REAAAL Spawday deserved a thread of its own, despite Joe's misgivings, but this time I guess I'll stick with the herd and post to tell my not-so-evil-anymore twin that the litter box is all cleaned up and ready for another year of shenanigans, hijinx, discomboobles, Spawnderings^TM, etc. AND I am DEE-LIGHTED you have been here throughout all that has passed (except for that which passeth from thine own arse!)

Thanks for being here, darlin'. Love ya bunches. Happy Birthday!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 01:56 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAW!

Love, Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 02:00 PM

Many Happy Returns of the Day, pard. Remember the curse of the professional layabout. On holidays, national or personal, you are required to work twice as hard.

Here's to another year on this side of the grass.

Cheers,
D

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 09:56 PM

Yup. Here it is. We've all suffered through what seems like months of unbelievable BS to reach...what? A moment in time so mundane, so unremarkable, so completely devoid of meaning or importance as to defy description or analyis. A non-event of excruciating tinyness. The ne plus ultra of nonsequiters, the nadir of concupiscient nostrafarianism, the belly-button lint of all holidays and special occasions.

June 8th, 2003.

A day that will live in ennui.

A full stop following two sets of quotation marks with absolutely nothing between them.

A spiritual gulf within a moral vacuum within an intellectual void, descending down a bottomless staircase which lacks even a handrail.

Gotta love it.

Happy Birthday, ya flippin' Ohio-mired hoser!

(And STOP eating the dog kibble when nobody's looking fer Chrissake! I know it tastes good, but, GEEZ! Give them poor hounds a break.)

p.s. Shatner loves you!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 10:42 PM

Yeah, but I like the kibble!

Thanks to all for the good wishes but a special thanks to the LLL.....an organization a notch above the KKK. The Lovable Laughable Loonies that have kept this ridiculous POS thread alive with all manner of screwball postings deserve to be horsewhipped congratulated for having the pure cussedness to endure and even revel in this massive waste of bandwidth. You know who you are and someone will be coming for you soon.

All of My Best Back Atcha'

BBBRRRAAAAWWWWMMMPPP

......aahhhhhhhh............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 11:14 PM

Man, I can see the paint peeling off the walls even as far as Orillia, Ontario...or Blind River, for that matter. Air! I need air!!!

Thank God this birthday has less than an hour left to go (by Eastern Time).

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 11:23 PM

Hooray...today's the day...Happy Happy Happy Birthday Pat!!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 11:51 PM

Hooooooboy!! Smells like bad kibble in here! Wow,...dammit...open the windows Mr. Offer fer Christ's sake!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 08:50 AM

At this point, with the hall wrecked, the liquor either drunk or spilled, the kibble consumed, the police routed, clothing torn, reputations besmirched, there's only one thing to do...



"A Very Merry Unbirthday to you,
To you...."

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 09:36 AM

yup- only 364 more days of un-birthdays to go until Spaw gets even OLDER then he is now!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 01:07 PM

Then and now. Tomorrow and yesterday. Next week and last year.

It all means something, but I'm danged if I know what...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 05:17 PM

and I 2nd that !

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 05:19 PM

I was just seconding my first post from about 200 back.

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 07:58 PM

Happy B.D., Spaw!

I don't think I could ever aspire to a thread like this one, even though we share a natal day. (Good choice on my part -- or was it a good choice on your part?!?)

What I really want to know is, why weren't we all given a heavy duty industrial strength asshole as standard equipment? Has the technology really advanced that much, or are there more generations looking for help from Ronko (or other late night TV solicitations)? Maybe I should send you the Fartless Chili I bought in California -- but maybe that would shoot your image.

Anywho, Happy Birthday from one person born in the first half of the last century to another.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Clark
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 08:08 PM

Well, I see I'm a day late but I hope it was a happy one. Please keep having these in perpetuity.

      - Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: rangeroger
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 12:46 AM

So if I post a

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE

now, I'll be 2 days late?

Great.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 06:28 PM

Late?? Not at all rr You're be only 363 days early! I am already hard at work devising a way to fire off 300 propane filled inflatable dachsunds into a gigantic floating Shatner head in preparation for Spaw's fast approaching next-birthday.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 09:33 PM

Thanks to you all but

ENOUGH!!!!

This has been kinda' unreal.......

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 11 Jun 03 - 12:13 AM

If this goes on 'til July 9 it'll be my birthday and we can go on from there...

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 11 Jun 03 - 08:51 AM

Well 'spaw; the ridiculous taken above , beyond and below all normal expectations is kinda appropriate for you, y'know?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Jun 03 - 08:40 PM

Oh crap! After all this I missed the actual day. Shall I start a new Happy Birthday Spaw thread and hope I get it right next year? Happy Birthday, Love.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jun 03 - 10:48 PM

Let's keep this up to July 9 and wish Art a happy one and spaw an unbirthday one! Indeed, one could say that July 9 would be a day both sublime and ridiculous....

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 03:40 AM

It seems it ware just the obther day that the rockets went off wif the blowup dolls and Khandu were tied up and seckured instead obv running loose obver the country side, or wharever he is now.

It iz close enough to get started and I am awake ..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAW!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 03:53 AM

I don't normally bother with birthday threads, but......

Have a good one , Pat, and have a free fart on me.

RtS
(rattle rattle rattle. Waddya mean, what's that? It's "Happy Birthday to You" [or maybe "Why was he born so beautiful..."] played on the washboard)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 04:20 AM

Fuck you Spaw. not only have you brought a guest Tweed out of Tweedsburg, but you've managed to continue having a birthday thread that derails the loving holy Jesus fly bys.
Fuck you- Fuck getting by with another year older-Just fuck it all.
Lovin' you 'till you reach an age where your to tired to fuck, Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 04:30 AM

..and Happy Birthday to you, Catspaw!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Allan C.
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 07:50 AM

IT IS ON JUNE EIGHTH, PEOPLE!





Knowing me, I'll forget by then. So, happy birthday, 'Spaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 11:21 AM

Happy birthday. Now I can forget about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 11:29 AM

I am NOT going to post to a thread that is so ridiculously off in its timing. C'mon!! No way!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 11:36 AM

My advice is...ignore this thread. Ignore it totally. It's like a speck of dandruff on the head of a stray dog. It has no redeeming value or purpose. It's a waste of your time. Only people that had no life could justify posting to it more than once. This will be my last post on this thread, because I have a life. My advice is, get one, people! ASAP.

William Shatner

p.s. Buy my books. You won't regret it.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 11:40 AM

THAR SHE BLOWS!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 11:49 AM

Man those davits, then, Carol, and go stick a harpoon in the fat old sonofabitch!! Go, girl, go!!


;>))


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 12:45 PM

Such disrespect. Shocking.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: DougR
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 04:56 PM

Hey, Spaw, I just saw this thread and missed your birthday. I hope you had a good one.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 05:05 PM

HAW!! It's an un-birthday thread for that old fart bag, DougR. Thar are so many that love and revere Spaw we got to start runnin' it early so everbody will get a chance to take a poke at him. HAW, HAW, HAW, you danged conservative fellers is so gellible, I am in a constant state obv wonderation at it all.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 09:17 AM

April 25th is my son't birthday. I knew it couldn't be Spaw's or I would have made the connection. June, eh? Gives me time to find a singing/dancing lobster or some such thing.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 09:31 AM

hard to believe 'Spaws b'day thread is coming up again - seems like it hasn't been a year since we were posting to it.

Happy Un-birthday 'Spaw!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 09:53 AM

Tweed, you really are a goof! The only thing dumber than this hread when we originally ran it is running it again!! A stroke of genius on your part and you are a guy who understands the value of a good stroke...........

On the other hand, it gives Sinsull and my other loyal and devoted followers a chance to find just the right gift. This year I have been actively looking for two rare items. First, I'd like an original vinyl copy of Yoko Ono Sings the Best of Broadway. I understand her rendition of "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" is without peer. I'm also trying to find a copy of a book from the second Andy Hardy series titled, Andy Hardy Gets His Hat Blown.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 07:49 PM

Thank you, Tweed, fer startin' this thread back up a mere six weeks before th' anniverskary of th' blessed event. Thet will give me plenny of time t' come up wif a good pome fer when Spaw's real berfday gits here. It will prolly take me thet long t' come up wif words thet rhyme wif "asshole", "dickhead", "shitbird" an' "fuckstick".

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 07:53 PM

Yaz, I am one goofy stroker fore recircumsizin' this magogamation Spaw, and if thar is anyway thet I can dig up a good accordian and send it to you for yore birfday, you know it will be done. In fack I hereby put fourth a worldwide call to Mudcatter's (worlwide) to send as many old accordians az Spaw's front porch kin hold. An if thet is not enough, mebbe old banjos could be strung up along the eves obv the house up thar wif a small candle burning in each one obv them. Now thet would be a birfday present worvy obv all you do around here an would show the respekt an humblity thet you so retchy desalve.

Hear Ye all MudHatters....Send Yore CasteOff Accordians and four Stringed Banfos off to Ohio C/O Catspaw49. It iz Hiz Birthday Soon So Don't be Recalcified or you Will Be Late. Cerebellat all Ye MadRattles, and Dance to the Music!   

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 08:59 PM

And here I was just hoping for a copy of Andy Hardy Gets His Hat Blown........................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 10:50 PM

I am sorry to report the Spawzers long term memory needs replacement. Or maybe it has already been replaced with cheap foreign-made parts and that's the problem.

A Family Affair (1937)
Judge Hardy solves numerous family problems while working on a problem of his own - reelection.

You're Only Young Once (1938)
Judge Hardy and family go on vacation to Catalina Island. Marion falls in love with a lifeguard who turns out to be married.

Judge Hardy's Children (1938)
The Hardy family travels to Washington DC when Judge Hardy is called on to sit on a public utilities hearing. Andy teaches the French ambassador's daughter how to dance the "Big Apple."

Love Finds Andy Hardy (1938)
Andy strikes a bargain with Beezy: He'll date up Cynthia while Beezy is away for Christmas for the eight bucks he needs for final payment on his new car. Judy does some nifty scene stealing and sings, "In-Between," "It Never Rains But What It Pours" and "Meet the Beat of My Heart."

Out West with the Hardys (1938)
Judge Hardy takes the family to a friend's ranch where he attempts to help with a battle over water rights. Typical Hardy family adventures ensue.

The Hardys Ride High (1939)
The Hardy family is riding high when they learn they've inherited a fortune. But they return to earth much wiser after life hands them a few hard knocks.

Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever (1939)
Andy falls in love with his drama teacher and writes a play in which he and Polly have the lead parts.

Judge Hardy and Son (1939)
Judge Hardy tries to prevent eviction of an elderly couple while Andy tries to find a girl to enter his essay in a contest when he finds out first prize for boys is a set of encylocpedias, but first prize for girls is fifty bucks.

Andy Hardy Meets Debutante (1940)
Andy has a crush on Daphne Fowler, America's Number One Debutante, who turns out to be a friend of Betsy Booth. Judy sings "Alone" and "I'm Nobody's Baby."

Andy Hardy's Private Secretary (1941)
Andy is so busy with extracurricular activities he flunks English and nearly misses graduation. Kathryn Grayson sings "Voices of Spring," "The Mad Scene" and "I've Got My Eyes on You."

Life Begins for Andy Hardy (1941)
Andy decides to go to New York and get a job in order to experience life before he commits to going to college. Judy sings "Happy Birthday to You" a capella (all of her songs were cut!)

The Courtship of Andy Hardy (1942)
In a custody battle, Melodie is about to become a ward of the court. Andy tries to help Melodie forget her troubles by taking her to a school dance.

Andy Hardy's Double Life (1942)
Andy finds himself in an awful mess when he thinks he's engaged to marry two girls!

Andy Hardy's Blonde Trouble (1944)
Andy gets involved with a beautiful blonde at college, but thinks she has a split personality. The Wilde Twins sing a bit of "Easy to Love."

Love Laughs at Andy Hardy (1946)
Andy thinks his life is over when Kay announces she's going to marry her guardian. Wonderful scene of Mickey Jitterbugging with a very tall Dorothy Ford. A very cute and young Lina Romay woos Andy and sings two songs (titles unknown).

Andy Hardy Comes Home (1958)
Middle-aged and married with children, Andy returns to Carvel on business only to get caught up in local politics.

Videos:


Only seven episodes are available on videotape; six from MGM/UA Home Video and one in public domain.

Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever, MGM/UA M201719
Andy Hardy Meets Debutante, MGM/UA M201717
Andy Hardy's Double Life, MGM/UA M201720
Andy Hardy's Private Secretary, MGM/UA M201718
Life Begins for Andy Hardy, MGM/UA M201716
Love Finds Andy Hardy, MGM/UA M201715
Love Laughs at Andy Hardy, Madacy Music Group HCV-3-6069 (and others)

---

Regards,

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 11:00 PM

No, I think what Spaw is referring to is "Hard Andy Gets His Hat Blown".

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 11:01 PM

...or maybe "Andy Hardly Gets His Hat Blown".

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 04 - 11:02 PM

...or maybe "Handily, Ardy Gets His Hat Blown".

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 01:43 AM

Sorry, Spaw. Couldn't find Andy Hardy Gets His Hat Blown. How about a copy of The Little Rascals: Alfalfa and Buckwheat Cornhole Pete the Dog?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 01:52 AM

WOW Bee-Dub!!! You actually have access to that series? Unreal!!!! Man, those are hard to find! I have a first printing of Wanky Spanky and a somewhat worn copy of Darla Diddles Herself but most of the others rarely show up anywhere!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 03:26 AM

I've got a release from the Corn Porn Queen herself, sayin' Spaw can have any-ol' thing he wants, long as it is directly influencing all the young and up-risin' corn porn queens in the land.
Let this honor fall on you Sir Catspaw (pervert) and lead you to a fullfilling life of lust and corn porn eating.

Rustic-still bringing up sex and until I get some, will always be....bringing up sex, until I get some,...unless you Spaw, get it first.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Big Mick
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 06:30 AM

Fock 'im. He gets nothing from me but a kick in the 'nads, today and on his birthday. That is, if I can find someone to do it for me. I can't be endangering my Senior Partner status in LFPS, Layabouts at Large and for hire. Where the hell is Offer when you need him???? What a waste of bandwidth.

BBBRRRRRAAAAAAAMMMMMMPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHH!!! Anyone got any paper?

Love,

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: InOBU
Date: 27 Apr 04 - 08:14 AM

remember cats, punctuation is everything, dont forget how the poster really put it...

"...Andy Hearty get his," Hat, "blown..."

keep on ticking Spaw

Ouch

Larry

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 01:17 PM

In deference to those who dislike b'day threads cluttering up the forum - I refresh this instead of creating a new one.

Hippo spewpaw Birthboy DAY!

no - that's not quite right - but did you notice Millard Fillmore needs only 12 votes to pass Jimmy Carter?

so Happy fartday catspew!

no - still not quite right...

oh heck - felicitations on the anniversary of your natal day!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 01:40 PM

Yep.....Today is the day and my only wish is to put Millard into tenth place on the Presidential list! Only SIX votes to go at this point!!! The SpeedBoard group has got some voting going on and if we can just get a few from here as well we can place Millard into the TOP group!!! And the poor folks at Toy Presidents are going, "Say what???"

And I a;ready promised I would not flare off anything if we succeeded! This is quite a sacrifice for me to make,Millard is worth it!!! VOTE NOW FOR MILLARD FILLMORE!!!!

VOTE FOR MILLARD HERE

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 02:14 PM

In honor of the day, I'm watching my old copy of "Spaw Gets Spanked by Hard and Handy Andy Hardy".

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: jeffp
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 02:33 PM

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And saved the world from an attack of massive flatulence!

Happy Birthday Spaw!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:32 PM

Geez; not another goddam birthday, how many are you going to have?
Oh well have a happy one anyway Catflap.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Peace
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:44 PM

Happy Hundredth Spaw. May the fart be with you.

BM

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: harpgirl
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:47 PM

harpy burpday! Here is a picture of a girl you might like!http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/index.asp?id=48406

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: harpgirl
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:52 PM

oops, I meant this girl:
http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/index.asp?id=54276


Enjoy

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Blackcatter
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:56 PM

Happy Bday from one cat to another.

feel free to rub against my face anytime.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:57 PM

Okay, here's what ya do Mr Catsspawn...fer yer birthday:

Get a bottle of warm beer. Lousy weak American beer. Maybe OKeefe or Coors or something. Take off all yer clothes. Take off the bottle cap and plug the hole with yer thumb FAST! Then shake it up REAL GOOD!

NOw ram the bottle WAY up yer ass and remove yer thumb (yeah, I know it feels good in there, but do it anyway). WHAMMO! The jet of beer suds will blast yer innards all the way up to yer Eyeballs!!! What a rush!!!

It won't stop ;yer farts, but it'll give them a whole new quality fer at leatst 24 hours. They'll be real bubbly. You might get kinda bloated too.

What the flip! It's all American beer is good for anyways, eh?

BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 03:58 PM

Where is that boy anyway Tweed???

Thanks for a great gift as Millard has overtaken TENTH PLACE and is still moving up!!! Keep voting, but thanks for putting Millard up there in the Top Ten!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: InOBU
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 04:49 PM

Happy B-day Spaw... hope ya get a licking to go with that ticking.
Cheers
Larry

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: JenEllen
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 04:57 PM

How could I miss the chance to vote for Millard? Add another vote to the ever-growing pile, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to another ever-growing...oh...you know....(you and my sister both turn 29 today!)
~yerJE

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: darkriver
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 05:36 PM

Pat,

Best wishes to you. Glad to have "met" you here.

I voted for Millard milliard times. (And I do hope the toy company stands by the results of this most honest vote.)

Doug

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 05:43 PM

Now remember, time spent on the couch being indulged on your birthday does not constitiute billable hours for LFPS. You've got to get out there and hustle to be lazy. Remember "At LFPS we're at our best when we're doing the least."

So roll off the couch, bite me, and get back to work.

Swan.

The last healthy member of Lane Fielding Patterson & Swan
Layabouts at Large and For Hire

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 07:35 PM

Hey, Spaw! You may be a day older than me, but I'm prettier!

(I share my B.D. with a BANJO player!)

Have a grand day and don't forget to celebrate all month.

BTW, ever see the film "The Virgin President" where the presidency has become hereditary and Fillard Millmore II is pecked to death in the White House aviary by an irate parrot so Fillard Millmore III is brought up from a bomb shelter a mile beneath Washington, DC where he's been kept since babyhood, to become the next Prez?

Not on video, alas!

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 08:14 PM

Yeah, happy birthday, Spaw, and all that shit...

But would ya look at the way Ronnie Reagan's jumped up in the Toypresidents' poll! Second place! Just 'cause he went from bein' a veg to bein' a stiff! Maybe if someone was to tell all the yahoos out there that Millard Fillmore's dead a lotta folks that couldn't stand him when he was alive would get all sentimental and vote for him.

So, here it is:

LISTEN UP PEOPLE!!! MILLARD FILLMORE IS DEAD!!! IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO MOURN HIS PASSING, PLEASE DO SO NOW!!! DO NOT SEND FLOWERS!!! VOTE FOR HIM ON THE TOYPRESIDENTS' POLL INSTEAD!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: bbc
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 08:49 PM

I'm glad you're still w/ us, dear. I can remember back to the time when we really feared we'd lose you! Love to you & Karen.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Jaze
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 09:12 PM

Happy Birthday, Spaw!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 09:27 PM

This is disgusting!! Can we not manage some sort of decorum on this forum?? What the hell's wrong with you people?? Are you all so depraved / deprived that you must contrive something to celebrate just to escape the fact that you have miserable little uneventful, unfulfilled boring dreary lives? Well wake up & smell the pigshit! Face the reality!! You are alone, all alone, every blasted one of you!!
Yes, go ahead, join in your futile little circle jerks, create your diversions from the futility of your existence! Go ahead! But remember this you wombat jisms, when you get your jollies off, the emptiness will resurface & you must find yet another diversion from your pathetic empty futile lives!! You disgust me & all my entourage to the point of drizzlin' shits!!

Oh,here's hoping a grand b'day for you Spaw, my friend!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 09:36 PM

Whoa! You're striking perilously close to the truth there regarding people's internet-addicted lives, Khandu. Maybe you should be crowned king after all... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 09:40 PM

"CLOSE" to the truth!!!???!!!

I AM THE TRUTH!!!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,The Truth
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 09:43 PM

No you're not!
I AM!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jun 04 - 11:10 PM

Only half the truth. The other half is that anything of value in life is put there, postulated into being from nothing, by someone deciding it is of value. Including the web of oddball interactions known as the Mudcat.

In the face of such a decision, your apathetic nihilism holds no power.

So solly.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: 42
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 07:29 AM

apathetic nihilism ...whew...absolutely perfect...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 08:28 AM

Wellwellwell...I yam remiss and tardy in wishing ar own Spaw wif birthday happiness, but this iz perdy much a permathread anyhow so I will be the first to wish you a happy birfday for June 8, obv 2005.

I hope you will git off yore lazy, methane-spewing ass and give us news of CLETUS, Pa, and them super-hero RegBoys, but I reckon you habv been busy wif makin' yore diddly bows obv late and habv no time for such pleasantrees these days.

Anyhow, Happy Birthday you old fuck. Mebbe Karen will git you some new shorts and burn the old ones.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 08:30 AM

Don't be silly Tweed, the "burning of the shorts" is a CHRISTMAS custom!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 08:35 AM

Well you can't be willy nilly about nihilism
any more than you can be
wishy washy about Washington
namby pamby about Namibia
or
hee haw over Spaw

JGM

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 11:25 AM

Happy Birthday Pat...all the best on your special day! Glad to see you're still alive and kicking!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 10 Jun 04 - 08:13 AM

Oy MMario, wif Catspawz it should mebbe become a weekly tradition/fireworks display!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 01:21 PM

Well, that time of year is rolling around again when Spaw's unbirth is to be celebrated throughout the land.

Not everyone makes it to 70 while carrying the great burdens and stresses of being a Mudcat Senior Wiseguy and Acknowledged Elder.

Here's to you, Spawzer!! A Bugatti of a boy. He's the only one I know who when asked in a singles bar what his sign is, he says "No Parking".

Many happy re-runs, buddy.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 01:43 PM

Whaddayamean seventy??!! He's 49 and holding, last I knew. (Was it really ten years ago he signed in with that?Phew!)

Regardless...Happy Whatever birthday to my Evil Twin and one of my Best Friends!

luvyaPeaches!!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Alice
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 01:50 PM

you made it to another one.... GOOD JOB!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 01:51 PM

when is his birthday? it is not at top of thread. only broken link to create a fart.com Couple of posts down it says 8 June 1949. If that is true, it six months 5 days to his birthday and another 10 years before he is 70.

Hey. the Mudcat is teaching maths. that is amasing. blart.. now i can't speel or punctulate.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 02:49 PM

.........aw geeziz....Are we going thru this again? Hmmmmm.........Oddly enough I was thinking about this damn thing when I saw Carol's birthday thread and thought, "I really owe her one and now may be the time." Amos made my decision easy...........

VirginTam........I'm glad you're here and hope you enjoy the 'Cat. Just remember its a weird kinda' place and try to ignore past insanities in favor of current ones.............


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 03:48 PM

but there is a gold mine of good stuff in the past insanities. And I still don't know when is your birthday.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 03:50 PM

Shit, again?

Shit again?

Shit again!

:~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 03:54 PM

A birthday??? We have to look for a present! Somewhere in the basement is a singing reindeer head mounted on fake wood. He sings at least three songs and moves his head. Perfect!
Happy unbirthday to you, beloved Spaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:22 PM

VATam, set the thread title age filter to ALL and put in "Spaw" for a search parameter, or maybe "catspaw" and see what comes up. There should be a thread among them which might explain how he keeps draggin' his saggy tortoise bottom in here despite what the docs have said in the past.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Beer
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:24 PM

Belated best from Quebec.
Adrien

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:30 PM

VIRGIN-TAM.......The person who started this thread has much to answer for and as it is currently HER birthday, I've decided on taking my revenge out now on her thread. But she's not above it all by any means..........Matter of fact she was a helper and co-conspirator in this past fiasco. So if you think there's a goldmine of stuff in past insanities, READ THIS and reconsider your decision.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:33 PM

Awwww, bite me. Nobody cares when you were born, or that you were born at all....

Love,

D

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:34 PM

HBD you old fart.

Love, as always,

Gary

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:39 PM

Oh, fer Chrissake.....! You expect me to wade through all that?

As you know, Spaw, I had tried to secure that vintage Bigmouth Billy Bass for you at the garage sale last summer, but when I went back for it, it was gone.

I've been depressed ever since.

It was still working too. It started singing when I walked by it the first time, and it worked well on repeated testings.

I should have bought it right then when I had the chance! But no, I hesitated, and he who hesitates is lost.

Oh woe is me! And woe is you too. This birthday could have been so special for you, had I struck while the iron was hot.

I hardly know what to say, man. I have failed. Failed miserably. I am not fit to be ground up into dog chow.

Well, happy birthday anyway, I guess....but I am still not going to wade through that whole frikkin' story you just posted. There are limits to my friendship and generosity. I know it's hard to believe...but I'm only human, eh? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:48 PM

Happy birthday Sweetheart, whenever it may be.

You need a Bigmouth Billy Bass? Somewhere in the cellar I know we have one lurking. Next time I'm digging a hole for one of the Mudcat Miscreants I'll have a look for it. I know I've still got your address somewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 04:54 PM

Basically around here its my birthday all year!!! At one point or another some wise-ass has either started or revived a birthday thread in just about every month. This latest renewal of a thread started long ago and two months early by Carol was done by Amos for reasons known or unknown by him.

AS far as I am personally concerned there is some validity to the year round concept because every time I wake up I feel its a birthday. The heart is still, quite literally, ticking away and I am barely living through chemistry.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:01 PM

Dearest Jacqui and Sins..............

Whatever address you have for me is wrong. I assure you I am no longer wherever you think I am and as of tomorrow I'll be somewhere else. Just to reasssure you, the addy in Bremen is DEFINITELY no good unless you are sending large quantities of cash. Forward all noisy, obnoxious, aggravating, nerve severing gizmos which you have pervertedly acquired to West Bumfuck, Egypt.

All My Love,

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:01 PM

And, I, for one of many, am thankful for that as well.

Ya made me tear up, ya big galloot... and ya didn't even break wind.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:04 PM

Again?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:26 PM

West Bumfuck, Egypt is the Mecca of the entire world for weird automated out-of-production gizmos like Bigmouth Billy Bass, Tickle-Me Elmo, the rare Whistling Belly Button device, old Joy Buzzers from the 60's, Singing and Dancing Santa, all that kind of stuff. If you want anything like that and you can afford the ticket and the time to go to Egypt, do so without hesitation, but take a lotta cash. You get only what you are willing to pay for, specially in West Bumfuck.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Big Mick
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:29 PM

I can vouch for the truth of that line of aul shite he just passed, Sins and jacqui. I know it to be true, as the subject came up at a bored meeting of Lane, Fielding, Patterson, and Swan, Layabouts at Large and for hire, Inc. Spawzer came to us with a problem. His house was so full of all the damndest bunch of gadgets you have ever seen. Singing trout, Nuns that fart, toys that make noise, the ugliest, most useless bunch of shit I have ever seen... He said a couple of old broa........ err ..... check that .... old wom ..... nope that won't work either ...... a couple of wonderful, youthful looking, vibrator..... I mean vibrant ...... lady friends from the strange land in the far Northeast had sent them. Given that he is a Layabout at Large, and taking the time to clean out this shitho...... I mean wonderful collection, would mean breaking a sweat, in violation of our Articles of Flatulation..... err, I meant Incorporation, he didn't know what to do. We took a break to consider the problem, went to the neighbors house, laid on his couch, drank his booze, watched his TV, farted the room up, and came back and reconvened. It was decided he should just move.

Oh ..... yeah ....... Spaw ....... here's a kick in the 'nads for yah. Bite me.

Mick
Founder and Senior Partner
Lane, Fielding, Patterson and Swan
Layabouts at Large and For Hire
Our Motto: It's the Least We Can Do

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: kytrad (Jean Ritchie)
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:33 PM

Dear Spaw- Do I dare send just a simple Happy Birthday in the middle of all this clever sarcasm and un-understandable jokes? I guess what I mean is that, if there IS a birth day somewhere in the year for you, Have a Happy One! Drippy but sincere,    Jean

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:39 PM

Jean, I'll hold that drippy but sincere greeting close by til the actual day rolls around in about 6 months{;<))

Mick's on the other hand.............................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:43 PM

You know, I'm thinking that Shane McBride may finally have a living role model out there to give him something greater to aspire to in his lifelong pursuit to master the art of complete sloth...

I'll give him your address, Spaw. If he shows up, be sure to have a spare couch and lots of beer handy.

You'll know Shane when you see him by his Maple Leaf flag pin, his filthy jacket, his "GO LEAFS GO" hat on backwards, his uncombed shoulder length dirty blond hair and mustache, the five days of stubble on his chin, and the powerful whiff of seriously bad B.O. clinging in an almost palpable cloud around him. He will probably need a loan to tide him over, so have some cash handy too. Oh, and some cigarettes. Roll-your-owns are acceptable. Pizza would also be appreciated.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:59 PM

LH... sounds like the start of a party.

Jean... I am sure you would be more than welcome, although you may be otherwise engaged?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 05:59 PM

Hmm...if he's barely making it through chemistry, I wonder how he is at algebra?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Janie
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:36 AM

You mean we gotta keep this thread going for about 6 months?

errr....what I meant was....You mean we get to keep this thread going for about 6 months?

I'm confused. Am I wishing you a very belated Happy Birthday, or a very premature happy birthday?

Ah hell, it don't matter. Happy LIFE to my favorite old fart!

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 02:51 AM

It's not as good as the original fart generator in the opening post, but it's ok in a pinch...

Fartmatic 5000

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 07:05 AM

I dunno' Carol.....Its pretty good. You can get it shooting flames and blowing gas bubbles so it does have merit!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:29 PM

Whatever!

You still walk this earth...

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 12:23 AM

Here's another one. Still not as good as the original one, though...

http://www.createfarts.com/

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 12:30 PM

Another year older.

I am very careful to make sure that nobody outside my family knows my date of birth.

I have never succeeded in getting my family to ignore my birthday.

I am surprised at the pleasure I derive from knowing that you're older than me.

Russ (old fart, but not as old as Spaw, and Permanent GUEST)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Fortunato
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 09:32 PM

Relax, 'spaw, I've got hemorrhoids older than you.

happy fucking birthday, old poop.

chance

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: olddude
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 10:15 PM

100 more my friend
Happy Birthday

I will send you a fruit cake :-)
Wav didn't want it

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 12:07 AM

Oh, no!! It was all a misunderstanding. This was for his UNbirthday. Didn't I make that clear? Oh, dear, oh, me, oh my.....


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 12:58 AM

I dunno' who the hell is the most at fault here Amos.......Carol for the early original or you for this latest refresh....and its hardly refreshing! This is the birthday thread that might possibly give Offer the ammo to kill off birthday threads altogether.

Do you see what you've done you simple jackass? All these nice and well meaning folks are being duped because Surfer Boy was having a laugh. Now don't you feel awful? YEah...... I thought not you miserable ................

Anyways..........Do ya' know what I'm gonna' do? Do ya'???

I'll tell ya'!!!!


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 12:58 AM

I'm gonna' post another right after this so I can claim.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 12:59 AM

...............

500

...............on this stinkin' thread!!!

HA!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Severn
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 02:58 AM

Do ya mean I have to recycle my name on here yet again? To be overly redundant, Best of Birthdays and the year that follows. To be continued.......

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 03:02 AM

Happy Birthda, Peachy Poo..

Or, Happy UnBirthday Birthday, Peachy Poo.

(You are *so* never going to live down kat's nickname, now I know you're really called Peaches.   LoL

Anyways up, I bought you a a present as I saw it, and thought of you....

Have a good Unday..

:0)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 07:10 AM

Hey Spaw, how bout a story of the most flatulent birth on Earth? One for the angels that drove the wise men away.

HB buddy
U is Authentic

which come to find out, is a rare and beautiful thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Nurse Ratched
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 04:17 AM

Spaw, I have the perfect cure for flatulence, and as a birthday gift, I hereby bequeath it to you. Just follow my instructions and breathe deeply as you comply.

1. First, lie face down, with your knees bent and your hips raised, horsey like (stop twitching), chest to the ground. This yoga asana is known as Salute to the Swoon.

2. Now flatulence, as you know, is a sign of inverted over-cognisance of the brain. Rather than repressing your thoughts, thus causing them to evacuate like to much hot air rectally, I suggest that you relax your shoulders and emit a long, low sound ( " OOOOOOOOMMMMMM ") with the proviso, that, as you think, so you will become.

3. Allow all your innermost thoughts to flow along your vocal chords with the sound of your OOOMMMNiscient self, and you will be releasing the innermost airs of the damned.

4. follow this practise, with feeling, for at least three days, and I guarantee you will be relieved of your chronic digestive hallucinations.

I shall stop in, from time to time, and administer the whip to enhance and hasten sonary emmissions.

happy birthday 'spaw

Nurse Ratched

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: topical tom
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 08:34 AM

MANY HAPPY RETURNS, SPAW!