BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 08:11 PM

Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............

The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved?

Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........

About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me..................

Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me.

I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right.   Once again, I should have relied on past experience.............

The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking..................

I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show!

On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event.

When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all.............

Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove.   They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................

Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this...............

Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!"   After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding.

In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks.

I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse..........

Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street.

The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now.

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 03:50 PM

I'll be comin' down on my Moped. You can call me Moped Mamma. Anyway I changed my mind about the playmate Paul dolls with the projectile penises.I think I will fill them with helium and you'll recognize me on my Moped with a bunch of Paul doll balloons with strings attached to the projectile penises. Oh yeah, I'll be hauling a cotten candy machine behind me too, all the money I make will go to you Spaw to make your un-birthday celebration real good, that is unless King Khandu's troops don't get you first.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 02:27 PM

Thank you, King Khandu, and welcome to my humble crapper.

Sorry Will. Just doing like the man said. He said I'm supposed to keep the boys out of trouble. Nothing like some nice meds to do the job right. But you can have all the possum shaped animal crackers you want before you fall asleep.

Great picture, Tweed!

Spaw, do we need to bring our own lawn chairs or anything?

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:50 AM

Spaw,
I hab commissioned a group of gypsies wif a low-boy to haul them Pattydolls up yore way. They have assurred me thet they will drive all nite to make delivery to you on time but required me to pay 'em up front, so I wrote a couple more checks from the batch the bank sent. I hab not tole my wife about it though az she thinks since she took control of all things financial twenty years back thet I don't even know how to fill em out ennymor.....an' she is sorta right about that, so I jest signed my X at the bottom and will let them fellers sort it out when they hab time.

You may rest easy in the noledge thet I am fulfilling my part for this gala event. I hope thet khandoo iz able to git hiz head outta pore Joe Offer's ass long enough to appreciate the effort we are going through to bring him back to earth and summat normal thinking patterns, but I doubt it az he is purdy far gone off the scale this time.

Keep an eye out for the lowboy. Thar will be about a dozen foreighnerz on it squeezin' accordians and sawing fiddles. A happier bunch you will never see.

Yerz,
Tweedzzrz

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 11:27 PM

Naw, naw naw, Donny! I, khandu, the King of Mississippi, will handle this little bit of dookey with my Royal Forkers. Not to worry. We are well able to take control of the situation!

King-able to take control-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 11:27 PM

Yo Donny, This is Will n Bobert!
Um...First of all...I was catchin you on the news the other night, you know, you was talkin about all them vases and stuff, you know, walkin outta them museums in bag-dad, and wonderin in my own mind what if the US had lost the war against Iraq, what some Iraqi news man would say about all them Rembrandts and Van Goughs bein taken out of the Metropolitan Art Museum in NY?

I mean like I thought when Spiro Agnew made his famous, or infamous, comment about having seeing one redwood having seen 'em all that, those types of statements would be forever considered blasphemy.

But onto the serious stuff at hand...the Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala is certainly a National Security issue and I am relieved that the DOD is on top of it; however, in these times(will not bein first duck to spaw) of world terrorism, we feel that the DOD's attention is better directed elsewhere.

BTW, Carol, where are my possum cookies.....

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,D.Rumsfeld
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 11:11 PM

DOD Memo

To: Joint Chiefs of Staff

Re: Domestic Civil Unrest

Our intelligence sources report an anarchistic revolutionary event being hosted in the state of Ohio. The ogranizers have dubbed the event as the "Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala."

After our recent victory in Iraq it would a disappointment to allow such an event to subverse our designs for a New World Order. It is imperative that such a demonstration not be allowed. After all, this is America, the land of the free and NASCAR© and all things holy.

I am thus instructing all branches of the Department of Defense to use all means necessary to prevent such an event from occouring.

The President appreciates your sensativity.

Donny

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 10:42 PM

After my last post, I took a nap and dreamed that you were all tittering behind my back. So I have decided...To hell with pubic relations, I am unleashing the dogs!!!!

Spaw, less than 24 hours to go. Run away in fright or face the most disturbing day of your life when you see the Royal Forkers surrounding your house. It ain't gonna be pretty!

Carol the Crapper Girl, don't fear, I am not re-instating your fine.
Tweedle Dum, you are still in the clear.

This is twixt me and Spaw. He has been a razor mouth, terrorizing swine around here for too long. He is a threat to Mudcat decency. Visitors from all over steer clear of the Cafe for fear of getting on Spaw's hit list.

But he is, in reality, like the Wizard of Ozzy, just smoke and mirrors. Nothing worthy of such awe. And I, the Good King of the Great State of Mississippi, will pull back the curtain and expose him to the world as the fraud he is!

And you will all know that King khandu did this wonderful deed and you shall all fall down and serve me!!!!!

"Who can do what King khandu?
What King khandu no man can do!
Long live the King
Long live the King!
Hail to King khandu!"

King-I am top of it now!-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:29 PM

Will again, now see here! I am appauled! I've never EVER been one for not wanting to take pills....aaaa...well....Ok so I lost my train of thought..I think I was gonna say thanks for the pills. I aint never taken my pills with kool-aid afore, but I'm always one for tryin new things, and Carol, please bring extra animal crackers...possum if you can..if you can't then shoot....why bother bringin any at all if there aint gonna be no possums. Dag on.....Wait..why do I have to behave? It was my dad who set the box of fireworks on fire, wasn't me! He's to blame! Thatz my story and I'm stickin to it...dag on...some people...falsly accusicatin me...oh well...I'm gettin free pills! Around here we pay 2 bucks a pop for these! I mean...my friend...pays...for..........aaaaaaa......*sits down on the potty chair and looks pathetic* The dog did it, you know that right? I don't know what exactly I'm defending myself from, but when you guys come up with something I've premptivly defended against all accuisations, and if you want further proof you'll just have to talk to my lawyer!

Spaw, you need some help building the launch stands for your patty poopchute rockets? I offer my assistance! I wanna be Spaw's first duck!
-Will

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:25 PM

Great photo Tweed.....

Well, things are progressing well for the 8PM "Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala." By this time tomorrow night we will know whether or not khandu has been restored to his former self or remain a Joe Offer brown nose. My thanks to all of you who are helping to bring this affair to fruition on behalf of Brother khandu. I know at the moment he's really an asshole but if this works, well, he'll still be an asshole but in a lot better mood!

Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys have been at it since this morning trying to make the scrap lumber and duct tape crosses and getting the Patty Poopchute dolls ready to go. I hope they make it in time!

Lots to do but thanks to all of you for your help! We CAN save him!!!......................I think.......................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:18 PM

Okay. Someone has to be the grown-up here, and apparently, it is not going to be Tweedle Dum nor Spaw.

I have received hundreds (count'em- hundreds) of PMs asking that I not loose the Royal Forkers upon Spaw; not, they say, because he doesn't deserve it, he does, but for the sake of my great and noble standing in the community.

They tell me that I am well-respected throughout the Mudcat world, and held in high esteem by those who are mature. They suggest that a sortie into Ohio might be a tad bit injurious to my reputation.

They also pointed out, that if I did go ahead with my plan, they would support me all the way.

Being a Gracious and Mighty King, I have called off the dogs.

Spaw, I withdraw my Royal Forkers. Carol the Crapper Girl, I loose you from the fine.

And, Tweed, my ignoble igmo of a First Duck, you are forgiven of your foul and heinous act of treason.

I am even ignoring your posting the picture of me in my Royal Privy. This time!!!

King-I am more grown-up than thou-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 09:02 PM

A lovely shot of a most lovely accordianist/wafflehauser Missus Carol-the-Sailor. I returned to the location later and took this candid photo of hiz Lordship on the Crapper at hiz most vulnerable. Obviouslyl, he has come to grips with some measure of reality and it's only natural az I too have found that TRUTH comes easier at times while on the can.
ken-I-hate-getting-my-picture-taken-while-on-the-sh*tter-khandoo.jpg

Yerz,
Tweed (I-will-listen-more-close-to-accordians-from-here-on-out)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:13 PM

I'm bringing my own crapper, Spaw...

Artsy Fartsy CarolC type Crapper

khandu, not sarcasm. Never sarcasm. Just a little pop psychology I got from Dr. Phil. Take it. It's good for you.

Now. About this fine. I see your treasury is sorely in need of some loot. I can help with this. Bobert can take care of the record keeping. I'm prepared to finance your Kingdom for ten times the amount of the fine, that's $132.00, for ten years at only 49% interest compounded weekly. You can't lose with this deal. Have your people get in touch with my people and we'll get the details worked out.

Spaw, the 8-track is on its way. I sent it by bicycle carrier to ensure extra-swift delivery.

Now... khandu, Bobert, Tweed and Will. It's time for your meds. Spaw asked me to keep you boys safe and out of trouble until Friday, so I've got a nice assortment of pills in all kinds of pretty colors, and you can wash them down with peach or melon flavored cool-aid. Snack time after meds. You've got a choice of animal crackers or fruit roll-ups to go with your cool-aid. You can watch cartoons while you have meds and snack time, but then you have to take your naps. We'll make sure somebody wakes you up in time for the fireworks.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 10:50 AM

" Listen! What's that terrible sound? On and on it goes, will it never stop? Oh Lawd, What have I done?"

That is what is going through Spaw's pointy little head. And the sound he hears is that of a clock...tick-tick-ticking away his precious and waning time. The poor idjit is in a panic. Less than 34 hours left.

Look at his frenzy; trying to laugh it off, even trying to minimize the terror by pretending the Royal Forkers are concrete workers. But, his lingering on Ohio will have very concrete results, and he will not enjoy them!

Carol C...the clock ticks for you, too. As you have tried to humiliate the King, you shall likewise be pubicly humiliated, unlees you pay the fine and make the pubic apology that is demanded!

Poor, poor ole Tweed...yall have him so confused he does not know if he is coming or going. The once noble First Duck of Mississippi has become a baleful and woeful has-been. He blows hot and cold. Yes, Tweed blows. I fear it is his mind that has crumbled under the pressure. If I had known, if I had had any idea that this thread would have brought all this disgrace and agony on the once-esteemed Mayor of Tweedsburg, I would have immediately appealed to my Dear and Good Friend, Joe Offer, to delete it.

But the deed is done, the song is sung, the dye is cast, the pie is in the oven, the bell's been rung, and the world will cry "havoc" as the dogs are released!

There is no joy in Mudcatville, the Mighty Crazies have struck out!

King-I hate no joy in Mudcatville threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 02:47 AM

happyy birthdat catspaws.john

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Rustic
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 02:02 AM

Well since the playmate Paul dolls can't be used, I'd say we just fill them with helium and send them on down to greater Mississippi, each with a new labeled name on them. Something like King Khandu, with address included on each doll, and something that says, please return if found. Ok Khandu, we're sending your army on down.
I gotta go, damn wind blew over the outhouse today and somebodys got to set it right ya know.

Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Melani
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:56 AM

So which one of you guys is the Mad Hatter? It's really hard to tell.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:11 AM

MUDFLASH!!!!

It is now April 17, Mudcat time, the eighth day of Spaw's unbirthday. Just thought y'all'd like t' know. Reckon y'all kin keep this shit up until the real thing get's here? Only 51 days t' go by my calculations.

Errr.... Bobert, if you wanna double check that figger on that Wes Ginny slide-rule of your'n, yore welcome t'do so. It'll probly tell ya sumfin like 97 or 213.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:08 AM

It's a real spreader ain't it kat?

Ah Tweed!!! So glad to have you back on board! I should have known! Now listen, if you'll take care of Bobertz and get those dolls here before Friday evenong, I think we can pull this off......and it's obvious that khandu has been pulling something off as well....What a wanker! Give Will a hand with the Potty Chairs and be sure to get me those dolls on time. What with Cletus and Paw and the Boys doing the fireworks, I figure they'll need all the time they can get!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:01 AM

Unfuckingbelievable....LOTS of litter to clean up after this one, Spaw!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 17 Apr 03 - 12:00 AM

WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

PLEESE, PLEESE! Fergive my poor stoopid sole and let me be sumptin Ah kin be proud of! Yer Royal Fisrt Duck of Missersippi!

Yerz,
A humbel and repentinent Tweed

PS
Heres to King khandu do!
Yay fer King khandu
He's is my flavorite King
And I luv Joe Offer, too!

It is obvious to anyone with at least one good eye and most of a brainstem that this is NOT me, the spelling is much worse than anything I could come up with, no matter how many JimBeams were involved. And also that this "person" has all the earmarks of a severely disturbed mind,no doubt brought on by many years of self abuse. The very idea.....that a usurper could come into this hallowed ground and impersonate perfectly reasonable patrons of the last bastion of worldwide civility...I find myself horribly upset and offended, yes, OFFENDED, that the Cafe has been invaded by this mad person.

I have a strong suspicion that the guilty party may very well have the initials "K k", whose steadily deteriorating condition is a matter of public record, as is witnessed by some of his "Ken-I-Hate-Pupsandsmallchildren-khandu" posts. Naturally, being a refined gentleman, I'll refrain from pointing in the general direction of the Mizippi backwoods where this certain highly delusional character resides and taps out this slander.

I can only imagine that there is an element of jealousy that eats away at him to cause this vitriol to spew, since he is forced share the Gala CrossBurning and the Poopshoot Flyer Finale with the un-birthday of pore Catspaw, a hapless bystander, whose only crime was to be born a couple months from now.

I am so offended by these current developments, that a trip to the backwoods is even now being planned. I expect to enlist the aid of my staunch friend and retired used car salesman Boberdz, to teach this imposter a lesson he will not soon forget.

Yerz,
Tweed (offended to the point of insensibility)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:45 PM

No problem khandu.....The fireworks are scheduled for 8 PM on Friday and I'll post the report here immediately after for all to see, good or bad.....But I hope it clears your thinking. BTW, your Royal Forkers showed up and surrounded my house and I think you have way too much confidence in them. It looked pretty bad until I saw their trucks with the full name of the business......"The Magnolia Royal Sewer, Drain, and Potable Concrete Company." Geeziz khandu, you're such a dumbass! Turns out these guys are responsible for mixing the concrete! They ain't Royal Forkers......They're Mortar Forkers! Right now I have them all busy working on a new Barbeque pit.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:22 PM

So, I forgot to close my "bold print"...that means nothing!!!

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:21 PM

Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah...what the hell is the 8-tracker for? You gonna play us some Tommy Roe? OOOOOHHHHHHHH, I am scared! I better not let the Royal Forkers know or they will run away, shaking in their panties!

I guess this is gonna be the Grandma of all wars, huh? You gonna call upon you Democatic Guard? OOOOOOOHHHHHH, I am even more scared!

Face it, fester-face, you are a cooked goose, a dead duke, a done deal. And you are gonna be taken out just because of a stoooopid birthday thread started by a strange and somewhat odd accordion player???? OOOOOHHHHHH, your amazing logic and dazzling intellect makes me soil my Royal knickers!

Allow me to remind you of some little detail you obviously have forgotten...You are dealing with khandu-KING of All Mississippi!!!!!!!

Less than 46 hours left.

King-I hate bloodshed, unless it is forced upon me-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:09 PM

Willzer again,
Wellz I was lookin around the old sea container for beachy's old potty chair I remember it was donated to the smithsonian, unfortunatly. However, I managed to locate some newer models...they have their own straps, but I dont trust them, so I brought along the duck tape anyway. I dun think I should be draggin lord khandu down there, i think he's tryin to kick you off your property n im on yer side! i wanna see der fireworks, so when I find dictator kantdo im gonna make sure he finishes off his...medicine..heh heh heh...***strokes his jug of moonshine***, then I'll strap him to the potty chair along with his other KK members...I think the reason why KK only has two k's is he's in the little league KKK...ya know? one of them junior leagues like t-ball for white supremeists, he can't get the cross to light...Naw, im just messin with you khandu, you seem like an alright person..but hey, I had to aim all of this teenage agression at someone, my dad would woop my butt, spaw and tweezer and old friends of mine from before I even had my drivers license, and heck..you were talkin bout how you hate everything, made yourself a target..like a soldier infiltrating an enemy base in the middle of the jungle dressed in bright orange with a siren on his chest......well......back to the potty chairs, I have three Beachy Potty Chair 2003 Delux Edition©'s lined up, about 500 feet of duct tape, a few gallons of corn licker and a 'coon. Never know when you'll need a coon.
-Willzerbeast

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:47 PM

Geeziz.....Royal Forkers......right. Well I can see I'm gonna' hafta' provide treatment for all three of these guys now!!! So folks, bear with me while I get this thing organized.

Carol, your job is just to keep an eye on them and make sure they don't hurt themselves in the next 48 hours. Oh yeah, can you find me an 8-track player?

Bruce, I'll need you on hand with some fire extinguishers just in case.

Will, I am so glad you showed up! What I need is for you to bring khandu, Tweed, and yer Ol' Man down to the picnic grove about dusk on friday night. See if you can locate three of Beachy's old potty chairs and a couple of rolls of duct tape. A jug of 'Shine would be good too just to get them relaxed a bit.

I called out to the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed for Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys to have them do the fireworks display (gawd help us) and also to provide some outhouses from their "Crappers on Casters" business for the crowd I'm expecting.

Okay, I've got a lot to do, but with some help and a little luck I can have all these guys cured soon.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:37 PM

Well, since Tweed cain't be First Duck agin, kin he be First Coot insted? Coots is kinda like ducks only they's slower and dummer and ya cain't cook 'em 'n eat 'em or they'll make yore house stink and yore dogs puke. But they looks enuff like ducks t' where liddle city kids in th' backs of minivans is always hollerin', "Look, Mamma! They's ducks!" That orta be close enuff fer The Tweedster.

Or, he could be First Goose. Ah'm shore that job has sumfin t'do wiff all dem Patty Poopshoot dolls, but I don't got no ideal eggzackly how 'n don't wanna know anyways.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:24 PM

Well, danged, ken king! Iz real glad to have my mathmaticalized wizzardry appeciated but in all honesty, I can't take the this honorable position seein as I owe it all to my Wes Ginny slide rule... which, of course, deservres all the credit.

Plus Iz loikin' this First Duck stuff. I even went up to the Sweet Springs Store and told everyone up there about it and well, them folks got all misty eyed and asked me to give a speech, which I did. Lasted two hourds and when I was done there wasn't a dry eye in the house.... Ahhhh, come to think of it, other than my eyes there weren't no other eyes in the joint and the lights were out? Hmmmmm?
Details.

So that's my take on the "treasury thing". Now it someone were to throw a few reaol buckls in the pot, me and the Wes Ginny slide rule might re-corncider der offer bu8t the way it is their ain't 'nuff to embezzelrate...

First Duck Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 10:11 PM

Sir Bobertz, after looking over your uncanny mathmatical ability, I think it would be remiss of me not to appoint you as the Royal Treasurer. As soon as Carol the Sailor pays her $10.32 fine (which I expect very soon!), the treasure will be up to a grand total of $10.37. With an amount like that, I need a sharp, clever man to handle all of it. Who else but you???

Spaw, I hope you are packing...the clock is ticking!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:54 PM

and Ah'm deprivling myself of desserts fer the rest of the year, that's why Ah aint got no cookie.-Will again, my dad says you givin up cookies is nuthin, he sez if you reely wanna be in King Kander's good graces you gotta give up sex and cigarettes...are you up for the challenge mr.tweezer?

Now as fer your bein first duck, my dad says he done been apointed first duck and now he out in the woods doin his first duck ritual..he doin the eagle rock around the woods, he sez once you lose first duck..you can never be first duck again, like..its in der 10 commandments, its in dere...'thou shalt not murder.' ha, i think thats just a poor translation for 'thou shalt never be der first duck again once thou losest itith' er somethin along them lines. See, my dad is in good standin with ther lord fondu and thats why I post under his name, cuz I dont wanna be stealin or messin with his cookies and stuff...once you mess with my dads cookers he comes over at 5 in ther mornin to wake me up and give him back his cookies and there i am, nekkid, wrappeda round my patty poopchute doll, my dad bustin in scarin the cats half to death and its all over a little cookie...
-Will

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:30 PM

May you have miles and miles of Methane induced smiles...

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 09:25 PM

As showed by me signin' in a Guest:Tweed, yall kin see that Ah don't got no cookie. There be a gud reesen fer that. Ah am purnishin myself fer being such a imbercile. How cud Ah ever have been so crazy as to speek unbercummin of King khandu? Ah am wearin sackcloth (made outta papersacks) and ashes and Ah'm deprivling myself of desserts fer the rest of the year, that's why Ah aint got no cookie.

King khandu, Ah drop down on my feebly knees and throw myself on yore mersey. Ah got cawt up in Spaw's foolirshness and Carol C seeducktive smile and fell in wif the rong bunch.

You and Joe Offer are the tops! Ah vow neber to speek ill of eether of you agin, speshly you, My King!

If you wisht, Ah'd eben jern the Royal Forkers and stand armed and reddy aginst Spaw if'n he dont leeve Ohier in 48 ires like you oreder him to do. Ah'll do whtevery it takes just to be First Duck agin.

PLEESE, PLEESE! Fergive my poor stoopid sole and let me be sumptin Ah kin be proud of! Yer Royal Fisrt Duck of Missersippi!

Yerz,
A humbel and repentinent Tweed

PS
Heres to King khandu do!
Yay fer King khandu
He's is my flavorite King
And I luv Joe Offer, too!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:47 PM

Well, this aint the Boberdz right now, this be his son! I come back to read the thread and dag on if I hadn't found myself laughin so hard my sides wuz hurting..then i realized there be some truth in the matter, and I dun changed my tone. ***Has the evil look of blackmail in his eyes***

First, since I've already started the post, I can't really start it off with 'First I'd like to say..' I gotta be like..

Secondly, I'd like to say happy birthday to der Mr.Catspaw, he's almost as old as my pa. Dag on old man...

Thirdly, I've got a little collection of my own I'd like to contribute to the collection, now, I done blowed up my doll(I had to break into Rufus's car to get it) and I told it to work and it just lay there like a balloon, like what the heck? So I figger I got rufus's broken doll and it aint worth a dang so I might as well fill it up with explosives and watch it fly into the sky. See spaw, I'm willing to dat just for you!

Fourthly, I think ken needs to take a bit of a chill pill :P mr.khandu hates everything! I can see it next time 'Ken-I hate "People who mention how I hate things"-khandu' or 'Ken-I hate people with more than one point in a post-khandu' or even 'Ken-I had boberdz 17 year old son-khandu' :D Just messin with you mr.khandu, I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person...and retha may's not got a sweet-tooth. GRIN.

Fifthly, I done got myself a highschool diplomer now, so I'm learnt fellow, and even usin my supreme intelligence and interlect, I've come across a snag the following thing..If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a a day and a half, how long will it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds from a dill pickle? Now personally I think the answer is C but my dad insists its yeller...and I think someone should clear this up.

Sixthly!! Wow 6 points! Hey der tweezer. Been treatin my old man right? I hope not haha. Good to catch up with yallz

Lastly, seriously, happy birthday spaw.
-Will

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: gnu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:36 PM

Happy birthday to yooooiuuuu. hehheheehe. Loverly thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: InOBU
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:31 PM

SPAW! Belated happy birrthday, running around in your birthday suit? Cheers Larry

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: death by whisky
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:27 PM

I cant be bothered reading all the posts,so HAPPY birthday spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 08:14 PM

Allright! That's it! I have had enough! It was bad enough with all the birthday-confusion-cut and paste-Spaw applauding-goiter type of threads, but now, the Strange one, Carol the Sailor dares to humiliate me with her sarcastic "applaud King khandu", and Spaw with his "canned doody". I am aghast at the reprobate minds at work here to tear down everything decent around here. I puke in your general direction.
It is people like you that have got America in the sad shape it is in today.
I did not want to, but now I have been forced to use, shall I say, unsavory means to deal with you miscreants.
I am sorry it has come to this. But, the choice was yours!
Tweed, you are hereby stripped of the Royal Title of the First Duck of Mississippi, and you are no longer Knight of the Realm of Tupelo.
Spaw, you have 48 hours from the date of this posting, to leave Ohio. My Royal Forkers are armed and ready to enforce this.
Carol the Sarcastic one, who started all this swill, The Polka Circus Ambassador to Mississippi, Mr. Arthur Dexter Bellows, has agreed to impose sanctions against you unless you pay the fine and give the pubic apology demanded.

I will not falter. I will not fail. This will be done. I regret having to get tough.

Good Old Bobertz has proven himself worthy of the King's favor, and he shall now become the First Duck of Mississippi.

King Ken-I hate "get tough" threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 01:28 PM

I'm thinking that Little Hawk could be helped out of his anti-farting angst by shooting off a few propane filled dachshunds, each of 'em outfitted wif an "Engineer Scotty" paper cutout mask. What do you say LH? Hey, I thought you'd stopped all this nonsense after the trip to the islands, Mon!

Anyhow, go ahead and place the orders Boberdz, and send all invoices to me az I noticed that the bank sent another box of blank checks yesterday.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 12:59 PM

Sad you're not reading the other posts Hawkster......We're about to have one helluva' fireworks display! Party dolls with flaming asses arcing into the night sky.........You're really gonna' miss out man!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 12:35 PM

I might've known this would happen eventually. Oh, the tedium. The dross. The endless fart jokes. The non-musicality of it all. You think I'm gonna read all the posts above this one? Think again. I've got better things to do, like sucking on this old shoe I found out back by the firepit...

Don't think that it's going to get you another free Billy Bigmouth Bass to put on your wall either. I am not even sending you the batteries this time.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Apr 03 - 11:45 AM

That's okay Bobertz....I replaced it with a 2002 National Champions Ohio State Buckeyes tie.....same coach!

Listen, I'm into day 6 here of my non-birthday and even with your calloused and hard driven price, I am determined to go ahead with the Fireworks display. It's the least we can do for canned-doody. Plus I already had to replace the Paul dolls because the wangs on them weren't up to the task of holding the Roman Candles. So I bought 2 dozen Harry Hardtool ones instead and not only will they hold the Roman Candles, but each will accomodate 3 dozen bottle rockets (with whistle and report) as well. So send on the Patty Poopchutes and send the bill to Tweed.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 10:23 PM

Well danged, Spawzer! You got one heck of party going now. I see you musta done that candle blowin' thing 'cause the joint's 'bout half burned down.

I unnerstand that yer in the market fir some blow up dolls. Well, first of all, I'm gonna have to go on record that the one *that you don't want*, ain't available no ways. See, I sent my couszin Rufus to pick 'em up at the Post Office and that boy just had to stop and try one out in the backseat of his Chevette on the way home. And well, that ol' boy is a little backwards so he liked the ol' gal purdy good so he's gonna just keep it hid in the spare tire compartment along with an air pump...

That's my denial and Iz gonna stick to it until someone come up with pics.

Now as fir the the otherins, heck I blowed one up, told her to go out and rake leaves and she's been raking 'em 24 hours a day ever since, I got another one doing laudry, and one chauffering me around, and then one running my business and one cleaning house... I mean, Iz really impressed with the ol' gals.

But there nuthin' I wouldn't do fir my buddy, King Kenny, well, except maybe sahre all 143 of my women with the boy> Did he ever send me no Mississippi womens up here to scratch my back and make me cheeze samiches. Heck no, he didn't!

But I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, Spawzer. And I wouldn't do this fir just anybody. But since you got the mayor Tweezer hisseff into this thing, I'll let you have half them blow up gals for, ohhhhh, (pops suspenders and looks up at the Lodge House ceiling) about ten dollars a gal. Hmmmmmmmm? Now that's 72 blow up gals at ten dollars a pop (ahhhyh, unpopped and guarenteed...) times ten dollars. Leeme insult with my Wes Ginny slide rule here. Ahhhh, about 300 dollars.

Now don't let it be said that I didn't contribute to that little pyro display in Kenny's front yard so yopu can deduct two dollars fir one gallon of kerosene which makes it, hmmmmmm, ahhhhhh, 302 dollars, plus shipping of course which will make a total of 290 dollars.

Yep, it's a pleasure doing bizness with you...

Ahhhh, do you realize that your "Youngstown State NCAA, Division II Champion" tie is on fire?

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:41 PM

(Hey Spaw. Just trying to sabotage khandu a little. In a nice sort of way that is. See the dilemma I created for him?)

Absolutely. I definitely vote for the Roman Candle stuffed Pauls.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:30 PM

Carol!! Need I remind you who started this thread??? And here I was gettin' ready to stuff the Pauly Penis dolls with Roman Candles to use as a ground display. Won't that really add something??? Just for you!!! As the Patty Poopchutes arc upwards into the night sky, the Roman Candle stuffed Pauls, illuminated by the fiery crosses will be blowing their balls in red, white, and blue. Man....... now if I can just get that Lee Greenwood tape............

Craig.........I think the lower the better. Every time I try for even the least bit of upscale sarcasm it just don't fly! Irony is out of the question and whatever the question is, the end result seems best expressed in this thread. and my guitar playing sucks too!!!

Spaw

Subject: Let's Applaud khandu!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:05 PM

Woo-Hoo!!! Hear Hear!!! Three cheers for King Khandu!!! (applause applause)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 08:54 PM

Fellows, you know what? I hate and detest "Let's applaud Spaw" threads. Just a bit of info for those who are interested.

Ken-I Hate "Let's Applaud Spaw" threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 08:19 PM

O hell, we've gone beyond the bottom jokes Craig. We're talkin' 143 propane filled inflatable LOVE DOLLS here! Ignited simultaneously and flying across the nite sky trailing fire and smoke like dragon kites on Chinese New Years. O, he's gone way beyond the "bottom" this time. It's become an art form now.....

Agog with awe and wonder,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CraigS
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 07:34 PM

There was a programme on BBC radio4 recently on the history of comedy, in which it was concluded that the most timeless jokes were the bottom jokes. I'd like to say that I think Spaw is timeless, and at least nobody makes fun of his guitar playing like they do of mine!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 09:12 AM

Playmate Paul dolls, equipped with projectile penises

I'd definitely pay to see that.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 12:17 AM

Pssst, hey Joe, I think somebody likes you... (insert stupid winking smiley face thing here)

Aloha,
Mark