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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 17 Nov 16 - 09:03 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Nov 16 - 09:31 AM
gnu 17 Nov 16 - 03:38 PM
Amos 18 Nov 16 - 01:33 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 18 Nov 16 - 07:31 AM
Rapparee 18 Nov 16 - 06:14 PM
gnu 19 Nov 16 - 03:49 PM
Amos 19 Nov 16 - 05:44 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 20 Nov 16 - 05:58 PM
Rapparee 20 Nov 16 - 10:19 PM
Amos 21 Nov 16 - 01:59 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Nov 16 - 07:37 AM
keberoxu 21 Nov 16 - 01:59 PM
Donuel 21 Nov 16 - 08:12 PM
Amos 21 Nov 16 - 11:46 PM
gnu 22 Nov 16 - 06:57 AM
gnu 22 Nov 16 - 09:01 AM
Rapparee 22 Nov 16 - 07:16 PM
Acme 22 Nov 16 - 09:04 PM
gnu 22 Nov 16 - 09:43 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Nov 16 - 09:54 PM
Amos 23 Nov 16 - 10:40 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Nov 16 - 11:29 AM
Acme 23 Nov 16 - 05:43 PM
Rapparee 23 Nov 16 - 08:21 PM
Little Hawk 23 Nov 16 - 11:37 PM
Rapparee 24 Nov 16 - 10:46 AM
keberoxu 25 Nov 16 - 01:00 PM
gnu 25 Nov 16 - 02:05 PM
Amos 25 Nov 16 - 03:42 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 25 Nov 16 - 05:19 PM
gnu 25 Nov 16 - 06:36 PM
Rapparee 26 Nov 16 - 12:55 AM
Amos 26 Nov 16 - 02:01 AM
Rapparee 26 Nov 16 - 10:39 AM
Acme 26 Nov 16 - 11:00 AM
Rapparee 26 Nov 16 - 11:26 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Nov 16 - 07:44 PM
Amos 27 Nov 16 - 12:18 AM
Rapparee 27 Nov 16 - 12:25 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Nov 16 - 01:51 AM
Acme 27 Nov 16 - 11:13 AM
gnu 27 Nov 16 - 11:47 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Nov 16 - 08:08 PM
Rapparee 27 Nov 16 - 09:05 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Nov 16 - 12:38 AM
gnu 28 Nov 16 - 07:25 AM
Rapparee 28 Nov 16 - 09:24 AM
gnu 28 Nov 16 - 01:29 PM
keberoxu 28 Nov 16 - 02:35 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 16 - 09:03 AM

I agree with gnu. I like the woods, the streams, the freedom from man-made noise (including, sometimes, music). I do take comfort from a .45 or .357 or 12 gauge with me, because we have both black bears and grizzlies, not to mention cougar even though I just mentioned them. None of those comforts would stop an annoyed bear or cougar (except maybe the 12) but I hope the noise of a shot into the ground would chase them off. Those critters usually won't bother you, though. Now, a pissed-off moose or a frightened skunk....

This past July a law-enforcement Ranger up in Glacier NP was attacked and chomped by a grizzly. Reconstruction of the event showed a very high probability that the Ranger was riding a mountain bike and slammed into the bear. That is not a recommended procedure.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Nov 16 - 09:31 AM

...which is precisely why bear-slamming is outlawed in 49 states. It's legal in Hawaii, but they have no bears. The have nenes. It's illegal to slam nenes in Hawaii.

Please note that bear-slamming should not be confused with beer-slamming. Beer-slamming does not normally involve the use of a mountain bike.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 17 Nov 16 - 03:38 PM

True. Beer-slammers ride wheelers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 16 - 01:33 AM

I come from a long line of boor-slammers--folks who make it an art form to denigrate the unlovely, the crude, the ill-mannered and the brutish of the world, using sarcasm, irony, complex semantics, and riveting eye-brow lifting.

Boor-slamming is a fading art, but those who are good at it are absolutely unstoppable.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Nov 16 - 07:31 AM

Not only is it illegal to slam nenes in Hawaii, it's illegal to needle them, niggle them, or give them noogies.

Nene needling, niggling and noogying are no-nos


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Nov 16 - 06:14 PM

It is also illegal to goose one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 19 Nov 16 - 03:49 PM

Cold, dark, damp, windy. I can't wait for March when this weather will feel great. Alas, I have shit to endure until March and beyond... like winter.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 16 - 05:44 PM

Hell, even San Diego is beginning to feel the pinch of chill. But we will endure, rebuild, survive and persevere!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Nov 16 - 05:58 PM

Help! Mom was underwater for nine minutes! Can you hear me Mom? Does anyone know mouth-to-Mom resuscitation?

Oh, wait! She's coming around! (Cough, cough, sputter, sputter, spit, spit!)

Welcome back, Mom!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 16 - 10:19 PM

WHAT!? UNACCEPTABLE!!

All thanks and praise to Bee-Dubya-Ell, a REAL hero!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 16 - 01:59 AM

We are experiencing strange displacement intervals where we have to leave the house and go floating around town like disowned zombies for a couple of hours while a nice lady trots other nice people around in our rooms. What a weird dance, I say. Then we come home and put everything back in place and stop burning every light in the house.

But we hope to find an offer by doing this.

Hmmmm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Nov 16 - 07:37 AM

The easiest way to sell a house is to die and let your heirs do it for you. Not a great plan if your goal is to move from San Diego to North Carolina, but a pretty good one if moving to The All-Encompassing Mystery Beyond Our Understanding is an acceptable alternative. Personally, I'd rather endure the house-selling hassles. Last time I checked, there was no way to take guitars along when moving to The All-Encompassing Etcetera.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Nov 16 - 01:59 PM

Gnu, did you get snow up your way already?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 16 - 08:12 PM

Please send your propane patio heaters to San Diego c/o Amos.
61 F is too chilly for swim suit wear


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 16 - 11:46 PM

Dinna fasch thysel's me bairns. We are of tougher stock than aw thet! Why, I got through the Great Chill of 2015 with nothing but a sweater and a light jacket. That's the kind of tough stuff we'uns are made of.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Nov 16 - 06:57 AM

No snow in Moncton but there has been snow not far up north of us, and to our west in the Appalachians (and south at least as far as NH).

Alas, mixed precipitation is forecast for tonight and tomorrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Nov 16 - 09:01 AM

How did you do that? I was just outside and it snowed for 5 minutes. Tiny little flakes and not a lot of them but it snowed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Nov 16 - 07:16 PM

That is but a warning! Take heed! Dash to your local market and purchase massive amounts of milk, bread, and toilet paper! When the Big One hits is a few short hours you'll be glad you did.

(Amos, pay attention. You'll need this list when the blizzards and tornadoes and earthquakes and hurricanes trash North Carolina.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Nov 16 - 09:04 PM

I have some catching-up to do (I've been gardening and cooking for several days). I know about Amos relocating - and hope he will come through Fort Worth on his way across the country. I've done the drive to Tuscon many times recently with my son, and I lived in Arizona years earlier - those freeways that go from San Diego through southern Arizona (Gila Bend was a good place to get gas on my way to Organ Pipe Cactus Natl Mon) goes directly into Tucson.

From Tucson, head east on 10 (be sure to stop and enjoy the rest stop at Texas Canyon!) and I hear there is good Italian food in Willcox. (That recommendation is a few years old). Careful in New Mexico, they write speeding tickets (ask me how I know . . . ). Gas is expensive in Lordsburg, cheaper in Deming. You can get an excellent lunch or dinner at La Posta La Mesilla, just south of Las Cruces (a lovely and very old Mexican community that was in place when New Mexico was still part of Mexico). La Posta is adjacent to a parking lot for local customers. Give yourself a little time to walk around and enjoy the shops and the square.

If you have to stop for the night, do it before or in El Paso. Don't sleep in a rest area between El Paso and Sierra Blanca, and be sure you don't have anything that sniffer dogs will spot when you go through the Border Patrol highway stop at Sierra Blanca. That stop has figured in arrests of many musicians of greater fame than Mudcat's Amos. :) Willy comes to mind . . .

Van Horn is an interesting little town, there are old tunnels between buildings (from the Depression era) but I've never found a tour of them. Chuy's is a local place with kind of odd Mexican food; if you stay on I-10 instead of the business route there is a Wendy's at the Pilot Travel Center Truck Stop that usually has pretty good gas prices.

You have to take the I-20 side of the split as you head east, and give yourself a little time to drive north of the highway in Toyah. There is a very old High School and other interesting houses in the town. Monahans Sand Hills is another good stop - there are lots of sand dunes around the area, but the State Park has the best examples of the white sand dunes.

Lots of interesting little towns as you move east; look for the Allsup gas stations, or Alon, they seem to have good prices and a variety of foods, etc. Thurber is an area with a tall brick smokestack, a center of coal country in Texas. There's a DQ in Ranger, and then the next stop east should be in my driveway in Fort Worth.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 22 Nov 16 - 09:43 PM

What's all this talk of driving? I assume A will take his private jet for the trip east.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Nov 16 - 09:54 PM

Private jet? Is the teleporter broken?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Nov 16 - 10:40 AM

It's not broken, but Trump says I can't use technology born later than 1957.

Stilly, thanks so much for the fine travel guide! I will see you on my way through Texas without question. Will advise as to dates. Maggie the dog will be traveling with. Your pooches like friendly cheerful fixed-female amigas?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Nov 16 - 11:29 AM

Well, it's probably just as well that the teleporter can't be used. Musical instruments made of Brazilian rosewood prior to 1970 are exempt from certain provisions of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species (CITES). But if an exempt instrument is transported via teleporter, the process of disassembling it down to the molecular level and then reassembling it makes it, technically, a brand new instrument. This would result in loss of exemption and likely confiscation of said instrument in the event its owner should ever take it across an international border. Better to put the old Martin in the back seat and drive.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Nov 16 - 05:43 PM

Amos, they will enjoy meeting her. Poppy is a little stand-offish at first, but Cinnamon and Zeke are quite a happy welcoming committee when dogs come to visit. I'm assuming she would enjoy running around like a fool playing with the others in the back yard?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Nov 16 - 08:21 PM

Maggie the dog is, I understand, quite the lady. Amos, however, runs around excitedly in the backyard. Why, at Getaway he's known for tearing around, watering trees and fire hydrants, chasing cars, and in general being quite excited.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Nov 16 - 11:37 PM

Yes, but the up side is...he will retrieve things for you. And it's fun watching him sit up, roll over, and play dead.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Nov 16 - 10:46 AM

Amos has been known to frenetically chase chords. By the use of his olfactory powers he has even tracked down chords that were better remaining lost. Many time he has been know to catch a chord, grimace, and bury it amid a detritus of AMm7/E and 13/8 time signatures. Once, amid cheers, he even caught his own fingers, which required very extensive bandaging of both arms to stop the bleeding from the cut on his left thumb.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Nov 16 - 01:00 PM

You guys. You let MOM drop out of sight on Thanksgiving Day, and just because I had no Internet access, I wasn't here to catch her.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 Nov 16 - 02:05 PM

I was getting ready for the first "big snowstorm that wasn't" of the season. Even had a big article in the trashpaper about it. The weather terrorists laced into this one full bore. Twits. I expect, at present, some light snow and then light rain. Anyway, got gas for the car and quip, got the snow clothes ready, got the shovels ready, got the beer and smokes... all the necessities.

My dear sweet SiL brought Mum a huge container of beef slo... stew last week. We tried it and then washed the veggies and beef off in a colander. They were kinda okay after that. I made mac & cheese two days ago and it was good. I took back the washed beef slo... stew container yesterday and was presented with mac & cheese. Well, it was a casserole with some kinda soup and bacon and cherry tomatoes in it. We tried it. The contents are in the garbage and the dish is set to soak. I swear I will refuse the next offer. I have already begun working on polite excuses. My old man used to say, "She couldn't parboil shit for a tramp." Problem is, the way I see it, nobody ever told her that. So, it may soon be, "No, nay, never. No nay never, no more......."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Nov 16 - 03:42 PM

The trials and tribulations of staying the tribal nesting area are many, Good Gnu. One reason for throwing caution to the winds and radically reconfiguring our lives on the other side of the Great Divide.. In anticipation of which I hied me down to the Pet Store today and bought Maggie the Dog a fur-lined anorak, waterproof, complete with a hood. I don't mind telling you she looks just a little silly decked out in it, sort of like a scale-version of Rudolph the Reindeer or something, it being a nice bright red. The additional benefit being it will help her escape the attention of hunters if she goes off cavorting through the NC woodlands. Because, really, who would mistake a dog in a bright red anorak for a deer? Really? It's just not possible, am I right?

We continue to show the house to any and all, anticipating the perfect offer shortly. I was going to offer a Black Friday discount, but I didn't have enough lead time to promote it. If it doesn't move soon, I'll raise the price some, until it meets the magic appetite of the market. We shall see...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Nov 16 - 05:19 PM

Yes, it's a good idea to make your dog highly visible if you live in deer hunting country. I haven't gone so far as a red anorak, but Miss Tina does wear a neon orange collar. It is very important because she is precisely the color of a deer. I've never mistaken her for a deer, but I have mistaken a deer for her. "What's Tina doing out of her kennel? Oh, that's not her, it's a fawn."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 Nov 16 - 06:36 PM

I dunno what kinda girls ye lads goes wit' but the girls up here would never mistake a dog fer a deer. Now, if yer dog is chasin' a deer, wouldn't matter two shits from Tuesday what it was wearin' unless it was a bullet proof vest. Old NB saying when dogs chase deer... Shoot the dog, wait for the owner and then shoot the owner.

A, good luck with selling Casa del Jessop.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Nov 16 - 12:55 AM

Amos is actually moving because his house in Sandy Ego is full of haints. Them spooks come out and snatch the food right outa his hands, and worse. Late at night you can hear them ghosties playing on Amos's twelve string banjo and his concert accordion. Old fashioned stuff, like "I ain't got no body" and "With her head tucked underneath her arm" and "They're moving father's grave to build a sewer." See, it used to be the site of a musical theater, but there was a terrible crime committed there (involving a concert accordion and a twelve string banjo) and ever since...well, it's horrible. It's the most horrible. The horriblest. I guarantee its the most awful horrible that will help make America great again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 26 Nov 16 - 02:01 AM

Oh, great, Booquemanne. Thanks a ton. Zillow is gonna pick up the MOAB feed and completely discolor my listing with your malarkey. You sod.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Nov 16 - 10:39 AM

TO: Zillow
FROM: Rapparee
SUBJECT: Amos's Sandy Ego House

1. That house isn't haunted save by good memories.
2. The only things every massacred there were chords, notes, and lyrics.
3. There may have been the occasional grammaticide.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 26 Nov 16 - 11:00 AM

My son just moved into an apartment in a house in Seattle owned by someone who works for Zillow. I told him he ought to cultivate a friendship - you never know where your next computer science type job is going to come from.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Nov 16 - 11:26 AM

Better than a lot of other places! He'll go through several jobs in his lifetime, before he finds one that will permit him to keep his poor, old, decrepit mother in the way she should be kept.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Nov 16 - 07:44 PM

Mom! I have a cheap area rug that I use in my pottery booth. According to its tag, it's made of "100% Undetermined Fiber". Does that mean nobody at the carpet mill has the foggiest idea what the thing's made of? Does a dump truck just back up to the loading dock and dump off a bunch of leftovers from the mills that make real carpet?

"Here ya go, guys. Big ol' pile of some sort of thready lookin' shit. See if ya'll can make rugs out of it."

Is "100% Undetermined Fiber" the carpet maker's equivalent of mystery meat?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 12:18 AM

Most fibers are partially determined, because they still retain a small mystical spark of self-determinism and so can summon up the willpower to do something unexpected, even if it jusr flapping or fraying or bending at the wrong moment. The more undetermined the fiber, the more random the outcome. Normal fiber is mostly determined, and can be used, for example, to weave cute sayings or pot holders with images of kittens embroidered on them. Try that with 1--% undetermined fibber and the kittens end up looking like gargoyles in a Klee nightmare.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 12:25 AM

Hey, I like Paul Klee's work.

You got a problem with that? I said, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 01:51 AM

Thanks for the clarification, Amos. I shall throw the "100% Undetermined Fiber" rug away at my earliest convenience. Free will is great for humans, but I want none of it in a rug. Damned thing might pull up stakes and move to Jamaica at an inconvenient time. I shall procure a 100% determined rug that's willing to accept its miserable lot in life without complaint.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 11:13 AM

That tag sounds like the carpet equivalent of a fake social security card. It's probably a Mexican or South American rug that arrived without papers. Smuggled over the border - and you're going to put it out of work because you don't know it's history? Do you think another rug is going to apply for the job of cushioning your feet in craft fair booths?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 11:47 AM

If the unspeakable happens on December 19, there are two houses for sale within spitting distance on my short cul-de-sac. Great location. And, with the Looney in the toilet, a purchaser would be flush on the cash side. So, if you have any friends you don't like, casually mention it but just don't tell them they'd be my neighbours. Just look up Leeside Drive on MLS.internut.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 08:08 PM

Dog is great,
Dog is good,
Dog will thank you
For her food.

Amen


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Nov 16 - 09:05 PM

What happens December 19? I'm sure it's someone birthday or something, but what happens then? Does the sun go out?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Nov 16 - 12:38 AM

December 19 is the day upon which 95% of the members of western society say, "Oh shit! There's less than a week until Christmas and I haven't bought a single frigging gift!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 28 Nov 16 - 07:25 AM

December 19... the US Electoral College votes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Nov 16 - 09:24 AM

Oh, that. I try to forget politics because everything is doomsday, gloomsday, and besides, I have enough ammunition. See, December 20 is the day Operation Freezebutt begins with the seizure of the St. Lawrence Seaway, Toronto, Moncton, and St. John Port Jolie. The planners think that will bring Canada to her knees and force her into becoming the 51st state. Plans to expand the ZIP codes are already being made. Coordination of the Order of Bottle is entrusted to General of the Army Jessup, who has Moncton experience. No quarter will be given to those loonies who resist!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 28 Nov 16 - 01:29 PM

"seizure"? You guys tried that kinda stuff 104 years ago. Let's not do that again. Besides, we are too busy digging our winter dens and hoarding our nuts.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Nov 16 - 02:35 PM

You mean the voting isn't over? No wonder I'm confused.


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