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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 17 Jun 03 - 09:08 PM
Rustic Rebel 17 Jun 03 - 10:45 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jun 03 - 01:26 AM
Tweed 18 Jun 03 - 06:09 AM
Little Hawk 18 Jun 03 - 11:02 AM
CarolC 18 Jun 03 - 11:21 AM
Tweed 18 Jun 03 - 07:35 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jun 03 - 10:52 PM
Amos 18 Jun 03 - 11:43 PM
Tweed 18 Jun 03 - 11:58 PM
Rapparee 19 Jun 03 - 08:21 AM
Amos 19 Jun 03 - 08:46 AM
Rapparee 19 Jun 03 - 12:15 PM
Little Hawk 19 Jun 03 - 01:24 PM
Rapparee 19 Jun 03 - 05:16 PM
Tweed 19 Jun 03 - 07:20 PM
Little Hawk 19 Jun 03 - 09:03 PM
Little Hawk 20 Jun 03 - 09:25 AM
Amos 20 Jun 03 - 10:51 AM
MMario 20 Jun 03 - 11:02 AM
Little Hawk 20 Jun 03 - 02:34 PM
Little Hawk 21 Jun 03 - 12:23 AM
Amos 21 Jun 03 - 12:57 AM
CarolC 21 Jun 03 - 09:19 AM
Rapparee 21 Jun 03 - 10:00 AM
Little Hawk 21 Jun 03 - 10:48 AM
Amos 21 Jun 03 - 11:29 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Jun 03 - 11:08 PM
Rapparee 21 Jun 03 - 11:47 PM
Rapparee 22 Jun 03 - 07:52 PM
CarolC 22 Jun 03 - 10:56 PM
Rapparee 22 Jun 03 - 11:40 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Jun 03 - 11:44 PM
Amos 23 Jun 03 - 12:08 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Jun 03 - 02:53 AM
Rapparee 23 Jun 03 - 09:41 AM
CarolC 23 Jun 03 - 10:26 AM
Little Hawk 23 Jun 03 - 10:53 AM
Rapparee 23 Jun 03 - 03:19 PM
Rapparee 23 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Jun 03 - 04:16 PM
Rapparee 24 Jun 03 - 08:38 AM
MMario 24 Jun 03 - 08:41 AM
Amos 24 Jun 03 - 08:52 AM
CarolC 24 Jun 03 - 10:11 AM
Rapparee 24 Jun 03 - 04:00 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jun 03 - 05:35 PM
Little Hawk 24 Jun 03 - 05:39 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Jun 03 - 06:19 PM
Rapparee 24 Jun 03 - 06:28 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jun 03 - 09:08 PM

Ah, mon cher Leedle Hack, I must MOST heavily apolospew on your best shoes! It is too true what you say -- my vilification is worthy of yourself in every dimension!! Consider it restored with Deep, Brilliant Polish!! Permanently Protected!! Permeating Every Cavity!!! With Invisible Shield!! Not a Cough in a Car Load!! America is Asking You to....well, never mind.

I hereby restore to you my best Investive without let, hindrance, compromise or stammer in any degree.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 17 Jun 03 - 10:45 PM

Where the hell have I been? Oh no I mean where has Kandu been! Last thing I know he was leaping out of here in a loin cloth with a 'God Bless Mississippi' tie on. Then he ended up in a pot of stew and haven't heard from him since. Is he on a mission?
Hey Little Pissy Missy, I did acknowledge you when I was talking about adding corn to the stew but goodbye.

I have a story of sorts to tell about the band that we are forming.
First we play in less than 2 weeks at a small blues fest in N. Minnesota. Our name is 'B.T. and the Blues Bombers'. BT is on guitar, Geno on keyboard, JR on bass,Trev on drums and I'm playing harp and some rhythm guitar, and I'll be doing a couple solo songs that I wrote.
The story begins....
BT decided to name us the bombers because he says we bombed so bad the last time we played. I'm saying oh that's nice Bobby I'm out joining peace marches and now I'm a BOMBER!
To date we have only jammed together 3 times, and that doesn't include the whole band. I just asked Trev last week if he wanted to drum he says, "yes but I have to find my drums" Ok, so we have a drummer with no drums...Yet!
Geno on keyboards can play about four chords and a couple little riffs. I left him my keyboard to practice but I hear he is a little slow at it. Maybe next week he'll try to learn a C chord progression!
JR is a guitar player filling in on Bass for us. He's good though so I have faith, but I still haven't heard him on bass or for that matter jammed with him yet!
BT is good, we are doing most of his songs so he will have them down if no-one else will.
And that leads me to myself. Rusty, yeah you could call me that. I haven't done any jamming on the harp in almost a year. My lungs suck, my lips are cracked and I basically know how to suck and blow to get me through but I need work.

This is going to be a riot. (people throwing tomatos?) But you know what? I can't wait. I think I'm going to go up there and have a great time! With any motivation we'll get our shit together and jam these next two weeks more than once! Wish me luck huh?
Rustic the Blues BOMBER! (I think we need to change the name once we get discovered!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 01:26 AM

I just reread this entire thread with great care and discovered to my utter amazement that it is a code, which when decyphered, provides the entire sexual history of Elvis Presley in complete detail. It's astonishing, to say the least, and quite enlightening. I'm surprised he didn't die sooner. I do not intend to reveal my method of breaking the code, because I would not want others to suffer as I have and possibly lose their sanity in the process.

Sometimes one can know a little too much...

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:09 AM

Liddle Harg, I find that utterly astonishing! I have been confronted in the physical world by people who have said the same thing about this steaming heap of cowpat. MOAB is taking on Beatles-like mystique it seems and King Khandu would be proud I'm sure. I have tried to re-read the entire thread but found I soon drifted into a sort of catatonic trance state. I remained in that condition so long, I awoke to discover a family of Ruby-throats had nested in my hair. They are vicious birds and fairly territorial and have successfully avoided the baseball bat, always zipping clear at the last millisecond leaving me with a cluster of lumps on my pore skullbone. I've decided to give up on the bat and will try spraying them with an industrial strenght insecticide instead and avoid further damage to myself.

Unfortunately I am unable to locate this code, or anything resembling sentient thought processes here but I am summat slow and now even more thick headed due to these pesky hummers.

Yerz,
Tweed
Focked Duck de Mizippi


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:02 AM

That's nothing, Tweed. I have even been encountered by non-physical entities in the Astral worlds regarding this thread. It is cosmic and all-embracing (just like the sexual life of Elvis).

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:21 AM

I don't know why you think my new friends are "life-sized two-dimensional cardboard representations of well-known people", Bee-dubya-ell. Of all the nerve. I don't talk about your friends that way.

Glad you liked the pictures, Amos.

Cool, LH. PM on the way.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 07:35 PM

CarolC, Queen of Sailors:
Please pay no attention to the doddering old folky known as Beedub the Knower of More Than a Couple o'things. He wishes he could have stood so close to a cardboard Elvis. He is living in Flamabama and has developed the quirks that go with that backward nation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 10:52 PM

I know a guy who salivates when he stands next to cardboard likenesses of Shania Twain...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:43 PM

Carol:

Now, now, don't take it personally. Everybody is a life-like two dimensional representation of a real person. Even mon chère Leedle Hack! Maybe not cardboard, but in the bigger picture, there's precious little distinction to be made between wet meat and dry carboard. They're both carbon-oxygen complications, after all.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:58 PM

Liddle Harg, I confess I yam salivating while thinking about a cardboard likeness of Shania Twain. How a nation could produce her and then produce Shatner is beyond me. What a divers country you live in.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 08:21 AM

Being a cardboard two-dimensional representation of myself, I often find that I stand near the three- (and sometime more) dimensionsal me. I have many pictures of me with my arm around my shoulder or drinking a beer with myself, William Shatner, Elvis, and Shania Twain. The worst two-dimensional representation I know George W. Bush, who's a two-faced Mobius strip. (A Mobius strip is NOT something performed in a sleazy theatre, but a topological phenomenon. Shania Twain does not do a Mobius strip, although I'm certain she could make one.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 08:46 AM

Mebbe she could -- they're not hard to make (fold once and join ends!). But could she explain it?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 12:15 PM

Did I ever tell you folks about the dachshund I had that was in an accident and ended up folded like a Mobius strip?







I thought not.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 01:24 PM

Tweed - No, no, it's the OTHER way around...first William Shatner and THEN Shania Twain. That is the process of natural evolution in Canada. Impressive, eh?

Amos, that was a truly brilliant comment! Indeed, we are all two-dimensional representations of the real being we truly are. Marvelous! Life is the biggest stage play of all time, and this thread is contributing magnificently to the comic aspects of the play.

I wish I had a cardboard replica of George Bush here. I would first of all give it a mighty kick in the nuts, then throw tomatoes at it, and then probably hang it in effigy. Fun, fun, fun... It would be neat to add horns and vampire fangs to as well.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 05:16 PM

Did you know that Shania Twain and Travis Tritt are doing a tour together? Yup. Not quite a tour, really more of an appreciation of the work of Conway Twitty -- they'll be in New Jersey, in fact.

It is, of course, called "The Twain-Tritt Trenton Twitty Tribute Tour."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 07:20 PM

LH,
I am consumed wif terror az I habv only just now witnessed a television commercial message for a tooth whitening system and the woman falls asleep and dreams she is (apparently become) a tooth in a line of other human/tooth items and all are doing a Riverdance sorta thing. There beside her is none other than

Bill Shatner

doing a irish jig of sorts wif no lines to say, he emotes whiteness and smiles the coy Shatner smile. There was no Shania Twain in the line anywhere. I am wondering now if Crest toothpaste has been bought by a Canadian firm..
I need to go lay down and cancel the cable. It's too much....it's...it's...all BS. MOAB has spread like SARS. Worst of all, KingKhandu haz taken a cyberdump and left the building.
May God hab mercy on us all.
Yerz,
Tweed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 09:03 PM

Oh, He will, Tweed. He will.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:25 AM

Good morning!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 10:51 AM

"The Twain-Tritt Trenton Twitty Tribute Tour."

You have entirely too much time on your hands!!! ROFLMAO!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 11:02 AM

And if Elmer Fudd were Announcing it it would be the Twain-TwittTwenton-Twitty-Twibute-Too-wa


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 02:34 PM

Ooooo...that's just tewwible! Don't even twy saying it.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 12:23 AM

Got Milk? (obscure Liberty Meadows reference)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 12:57 AM

LITTLE HAWK

THIS THREAD IS AN AUTHORITARIAN IDEOLOGICAL EMPIRE!

A


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Subject: Circus Time!
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 09:19 AM

So we'll be taking the Polka Circus on the road soon. Circus season is upon us. It looks like we'll be in Bee-dubya-ell's neck o' the woods around the 4th of July (but probably not in time for the jam session on the beach).

Then we'll be headed up to Michigan for several weeks (Detroit area), with a (relatively) short trip to the Chicago/southern Wisconsin area sometime in early August, then back to Michigan. We'll be making several trips up into Ontario while we're in Michigan.

We'll be on the lookout for people like my new friends, Bill Shatner and Elvis, along the way. If we find any, I'll post the pictures here.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 10:00 AM

CarolC, I certainly hope you're charging them plenty to have their picture taken with you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 10:48 AM

This sounds good, Carol, and I'm sure you will run into Bill somewhere. He's like mildew...omnipresent.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 11:29 AM

And in other ways, as well....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 11:08 PM

Well, gee, CarolC! Sad to hear you won't be able to make the Thursday night session. Since you won't be there I'm not going to mention that, in addition to the usual jigs, reels and hornpipes we'll probably play a bunch of Irish POLKAS. And, since there will already be a couple of excellent squeezers there, I'm sure we won't miss you while we're playing all those POLKAS.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 11:47 PM

My Aunt Dorothy used to love to dance like that -- we called her "Polka Dot."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 07:52 PM

No, no! This thread cannot be destined for the oblivion of no one posting to it in 24 hours! No, I say! It shall NOT be! Never will the name of the Great State of Arkansas be so slighted, so slandered, so mud-bedraggled! I say NO! And I know that all true blooded people will join me in saying NO! to those who would so profane the name of the Fair State of Arkansas! Wait...this is MOAB, not Arkansas. Forget that I said anything, okay?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 10:56 PM

I don't know any Polkas.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 11:40 PM

Larry Polka and his wife, Jan, used to live down the street from me when I was growing up. Used to play games with his son, Bill.

They were Irish, from Killorgan. The town was called that after an incident in the Cromwellian Wars, when the townspeople converted the church's instrument into a weapon of war. It would fire over a hundred projectiles at once by compressed air, and the rate of fire could be adjusted so that it would, at the same time, play Bach, hymns, or popular tunes of the day. Legend has it that it played Handel's "Water Music"* while it sank an entire fleet of Cromwell's that had been sent to circumvent the Irish forces. The weapon would have revolutionized warfare, but it failed because Organ Pumpers Local 386 AF of L/CIO went on strike for longer hours and lower pay, which permitted Cromwell's men to either burn the town of Killorgan and ravish the locals or vice-versa. In either case, arson or ravishment, the locals were closed and townspeople were deprived of Guinness.

This was considered the worst atrocity Cromwell's forces ever committed on Irish soil, and they did some pretty darn good ones.

I have their address somewhere if you'd like to write to them.



*Which hadn't been written yet. Some think that G. F. Handel might have heard the tune at this time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 11:44 PM

WHAT??? NO POLKAS???

BUT YOU PLAY ACCORDIAN!


Accordian players widdout polkas iz like grits widdout eggs! It's like Mudcat widdout BS!

I repeat,

WHAT??? NO POLKAS???

I'm very confused! I think you've just fundamentally re-arranged my entire concept of reality. I'm going to go lie down now.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 12:08 AM

Why Carol -- you've established the non-polka as a weapon of mass confusion!! Well done!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 02:53 AM

Amos! You're an absolute genius for seeing the potential of the non-polka-playing-accordianist (NPPA) as a weapon of mass confusion! Just imagine! When Dumbya gets ready for his next pre-emptive strike, instead of a half-million troops he can send in a few dozen NPPA's. The citizenry of the invaded country will flock toward the NPPA's with the intention of stoning them to death for playing polkas. But they won't play polkas! So as the accordianists stroll through the countryside the crowds around them will get larger and larger. Sort of like the Pied Piper only the crowds aren't really attracted to the music - they're attracted to the bloodlust that will ensue when a polka gets played. But no polkas will be played! Before long every man, woman, child, soldier, shiek, cleric and despotic ruler will be following the NPPA's around just waiting for that polka. But finally, somewhere out in the desert, the crowds will come to the realization that no polkas are going to be played! They will realize that not all accordianists play polkas! Their worlds will be turned upside down! They will renounce militant Islam or Rabid Zionism or Snake-handling Christianity or Crass Materialism or whatever other insanity afflicts them and will all become accordian players. And they will not play polkas because you don't have to play polkas to play accordian! Wow! World peace through no polkas! So simple yet so elegant.

BWL (Currently an abbreviation for "Boy! Whatta Looney!")


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 09:41 AM

But...but...what will my Aunt Dorothy do? Will all of the polka lovers form guerilla bands? There will be an upswing in polka related violence as accordion players are kidnaped and forced to learn polkas. Once so brain-washed they will stay with the polka lovers (PLLF, pronounced as it sounds and an abbreviation for the Polka Lovers Liberation Front). Soon the PLLF will have a corner on the accordionist market and will turn them against decent folk. There will be polka suicides, where an accordionist will innocently enter a restaurant or school and then suddenly whip out an accordion and play a polka!

Accordion detectors will appear at the doors of every school and airport. A three century waiting period will be enacted for anyone wanting the purchase an accordion. Eventually all accordions will be confiscated by The Authorities, but they will still get into the hands of the PLLF. Crudely made ones, dangerous to use, will appear. People will sneak off to visit the back-alley accordionist. News of raids will appear in the paper: "Cops Bust PLLF Stonghold; Sieze Thousands Of Recordings."

Eventually we will go to war with Poland and Hungary so that we can tear out this terror by its roots. The mastermind behind the terror, the secretive Seldom Iz-Seen, will flee, hiding at wedding receptions across the American Middle West. He will finally be taken in either Minnesota or one of the Dakotas, unrepentant and clutching his prized recording of "Beer Barrel Polka." Sentenced to death ("...to be taken to the place of execution and there made to listen to The Blues until you are dead, and may God have mercy on your soul..."), his execution will trigger a new wave of PLLF violence.

And you, bee etc., will be personally responsible for plunging the world into a new age of terror.

Have a nice day!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 10:26 AM

I thought accordions were only for playing waltzes, slow aires, and laments.

CarolC, NPPA (Non-Polka Playing Accordionista)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 10:53 AM

Be alert, people! Some fool who goes by the moniker of "tunesmith" is inadvertently launching threads with even more humorous potential than this one, and he's apparently being dead serious when he does it! Check out "What Price the Truth!" for more shocking revelations that will simply knock you out of your socks or reduce you to helpless laughter...

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 03:19 PM

In short, the PLLF will inspire such draconian laws as are now applied to banjos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM

Actually, LH, I did check out the "What Price Truth?" thread.

The price of truth is exactly equal to Tunesmith's IQ, in Canadian dollars.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 04:16 PM

Yes, the "What Price Truth?" thread has shocked and stunned my easilly shocked and stunned self by positing that Jesus may have been just a myth! First non-polka-playing-accordianinsts and now Jesus-was-only-a-myth! I feel my whole world view crumbling. The paradigms are shifting like the San Andreas fault would shift if someone were to pump a couple billion barrels of WD-40 into it.

Slippin' annuh slidin'....

BWL (Babbling Wigged-out Lunatic)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 08:38 AM

LH, for some reason I can't find the socks I was knocked out of.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 08:41 AM

accio socks!

Sorry - doesn't seem to have worked....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 08:52 AM

Practice, practice and more practice, MM. It's all in the wrist....


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 10:11 AM

In short, the PLLF will inspire such draconian laws as are now applied to banjos.

No, those laws were put into effect for accordions after Lawrence Welk single-handedly destroyed the social lives of 45 percent of adolescents in the US back in the 1950s and 1960s, when their parents forced them to learn to play the accordion just like him.

But I've been working hard to reverse that trend, rather insidiously if I do say so myself. A little semi-nakedness along with clever product placement can accomplish the near-impossible.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 04:00 PM

So you're saying, Carol, that we should just enforce the laws we already have on the books?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 05:35 PM

Lurching, staggering, and blathering, the Mother of all BS threads makes it way tenaciously toward 600!!!

Stay tuned for the magic moment! Who will make the 600th pointless posting?

Talk about suspense...

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 05:39 PM

Closer...closer...closer... (biting fingernails)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 06:19 PM

Well, it ain't gonna be me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jun 03 - 06:28 PM

And it ain't gonna be me.


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