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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 12 Oct 06 - 11:18 PM
Rapparee 12 Oct 06 - 11:23 PM
Rapparee 12 Oct 06 - 11:33 PM
Rapparee 12 Oct 06 - 11:34 PM
Acme 12 Oct 06 - 11:40 PM
Amos 12 Oct 06 - 11:53 PM
Rapparee 12 Oct 06 - 11:54 PM
Rapparee 12 Oct 06 - 11:55 PM
Amos 13 Oct 06 - 09:28 AM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 09:31 AM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 09:34 AM
Amos 13 Oct 06 - 09:44 AM
Acme 13 Oct 06 - 11:50 AM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 12:24 PM
Amos 13 Oct 06 - 03:04 PM
Little Hawk 13 Oct 06 - 03:09 PM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 04:38 PM
MMario 13 Oct 06 - 04:41 PM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 04:42 PM
Amos 13 Oct 06 - 05:24 PM
Little Hawk 13 Oct 06 - 06:20 PM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 07:11 PM
Amos 13 Oct 06 - 07:14 PM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 10:45 PM
Little Hawk 13 Oct 06 - 10:57 PM
Rapparee 13 Oct 06 - 11:33 PM
Amos 14 Oct 06 - 02:25 AM
Rapparee 14 Oct 06 - 10:07 AM
Rapparee 14 Oct 06 - 10:20 AM
Amos 14 Oct 06 - 11:47 AM
Rapparee 14 Oct 06 - 02:53 PM
Amos 14 Oct 06 - 04:22 PM
Acme 14 Oct 06 - 07:46 PM
Amos 14 Oct 06 - 07:51 PM
Rapparee 14 Oct 06 - 07:57 PM
gnu 14 Oct 06 - 07:59 PM
Rapparee 14 Oct 06 - 08:09 PM
Acme 14 Oct 06 - 08:11 PM
Rapparee 14 Oct 06 - 08:27 PM
Acme 15 Oct 06 - 12:52 AM
gnu 15 Oct 06 - 06:39 AM
Acme 15 Oct 06 - 10:28 AM
Rapparee 15 Oct 06 - 10:40 AM
Rapparee 15 Oct 06 - 10:40 AM
Amos 15 Oct 06 - 11:25 AM
Acme 15 Oct 06 - 03:15 PM
Amos 15 Oct 06 - 03:32 PM
Rapparee 15 Oct 06 - 04:46 PM
Bunnahabhain 15 Oct 06 - 05:38 PM
Rapparee 15 Oct 06 - 05:53 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:18 PM

Faustus

One thing, good servant, let me crave of thee
To glut the longing of my heart's desire,
That I may have unto my paramour,
That heavenly Helen, which I saw of late,
Whose sweet embraces may extinguish clear
Those thoughts that do dissuade me from my vow,
And keep my vow I made to Lucifer.
Mephistophilis
This, or what else my Faustus shall desire,
Shall be performed in twinkling of an eye.

Enter Helen again, passing over between
two cupids.

Faustus

Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss.
Her lips suck forth my soul; see where it flies.
Come, Helen, come, give me my soul again.
Here will I dwell, for heaven is in these lips,
And all is dross that is not Helena.
I will be Paris, and for love of thee,
Instead of Troy shall Wittenberg be sacked,
And I will combat with weak Menelaus,
And wear thy colours on my plumed crest.
Yea, I will wound Achilles in the heel,
And then return to Helen for a kiss.
O, thou art fairer than the evening's air
Clad in the beauty of a thousand stars.
Brighter art thou then flaming Jupiter,
When he appeared to hapless Semele,
More lovely than the Monarch of the sky,
In wanton Arethusa's azure arms,
And none but thou shalt be my paramour.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:23 PM

Amos, you have now endowed dear MOAB with what MOAB was created for!

Ilap.

This discovery places J. Homer's magnum opus in a whole new light since it is entirely possible that the original was not written in Greek at all, but in Tagalog, Cebuano, Ilocano, Hiligaynon, Ilonggo, Bicol, Waray, Pampango, or Pangasinan!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:33 PM

Further research (you do your own; I did it and so can you!) clearly demonstrates that Ilap was, at the time that Jethro Homer flourished (probably sometime between the 10th and 7th centuries BCE) and wrote "The Iliad," located on the coast of what is now Turkey and in pretty much the precise location where Schliemann found "Troy"!!!! Ilap was moved by the action of plate tectonics to its current location following the explosion of Thera, which shook it loose from its anchorage (so to speak).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:34 PM

So the originals were written in Greek, most likely.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:40 PM

Ilium, schmilium--isn't that a bowel disorder?

I don't want to talk about unhappy bowels or faces starting wars, I want to count coups--I got a freezer at an estate sale this morning. Several siblings running the sale, and I paid the sister for the freezer and a couple of other things I took with me. I was there right at 8, hadn't planned to go, but I was coming back from dropping my son off for school and saw the sign and stopped. There was too much activity and stuff in the way to collect it right then. Okay, it's harvest gold, about 30 years old, but it's a big solid upright freezer and I'm set for next year's garden! I've always given away a lot of produce because I didn't have room to store it frozen and I haven't learned how to can, like my mom did when we were little (anyone else remember when we kids used to sneak to the basement with a spoon and a bottle opener and open mom's canned pints of fruit and eat them right there in the dark?)

I went over this evening after 5 to pick up the freezer--and the brother was gracious but still kind of fussy--he'd half-way planned to keep it, and they had so many offers for it during the day that he knew he could have gotten it for more than $30. (As we were standing there beside it discussing how to empty the contents a fussy little lady pushed past us to take a look at it--ignoring the "sold" sign and our discussion.) I figured for that price I could afford to have a new gasket put on if it needs it. It's thawing in the garage right now--and it looks great. As the brother cleaned out the freezer we talked, and at least he knows it's going to a good home--a gardener wanting a place for produce, plus we found we had a lot in common (he has worked in theater set design, and that is what Caroline will study, along with costume design). I figured it was better for me to charm the fellow than to 1) offer to pay more for the freezer or 2) let him give me back my $30 and sell it for more. I bought it in good faith and in the end he'll feel better that he honored the sale. I think so, anyway. But I didn't leave anything to chance so I got it out of there this evening. :)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:53 PM

Damn right. It's a matter of integrity -- you don't weasel yer neighbors or go back on a deal.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:54 PM

Ilium is, as noted before, an old time Greek toothpaste additive.

Schmilium refers to Jasper Schmilium, a vaudeville comic who used to do a dialogue with himself at quilting bees. Kept the audience in stitches.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 11:55 PM

Yes, Amos. On that I must agree with you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 09:28 AM

How could you burn the topless towers of a toothpaste? Who left the tops off?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 09:31 AM

Squeeze Helen from the bottom.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 09:34 AM

And if you had read my earlier posts, you'd know that the town was originally called "Ilap" and was moved by continental drifting to its present location in the Philippines. The poet Jethro Homer renamed it "Ilium" after a very active ingredietn in the toothpaste of the time.

Sheesh. Like I don't have my hands full enough with people who don't do the reading and I have to do every damned thing around here........


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 09:44 AM

I did read your wonderful post, Rapaire. Truly I did.

It was wonderful fantasy writing. But I was taking about the REAL Illium.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 11:50 AM

Me, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 12:24 PM

Okay. You want the REAL Ilium, here's your dagnabbed Ilium!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 03:04 PM

A one-L ilium is a shapely, largish bone;
A two-L Illium is an ancient city, overthrown.
But you would have to be plain sillium
To talk about a three-L Illlium.

Dear Officer Rapaire, please count each consonant and vowel,
Before with indigination you begin to howl.
For ill is not il (the French for "he"),
Pi is not pie, as any boy can see.
And it would make the boldest scholar moan
To think old Troy was taken for a bone.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 03:09 PM

I have made an interesting proposal on Shambles' longrunning complaint thread...

Namely, that the membership of this forum sieze upon a brand new Quixotic objective to replace his...that being a mission to land on Venus!

Have a look and see.

I wonder if he will go for it?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 04:38 PM

He posted it. I replied that it was hot stuff, but I was always partial to the Mons (Veneris).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 04:41 PM

of course he did - it gave him an excuse to start another thread and to complain that people weren't taking him seriously - but posting only to denigrate etc, etc,etc. You know - my major gripe with him is that he usually makes his statements and or queries with absolutes...ONLY to post ...ALL posts...ALWAYS; NEVER, etc.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 04:42 PM

I always post with absolutes myself. I'm absolutely almost always pretty certain of it, anyway, maybe.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 05:24 PM

As a fellow poster in our forum, one would think I would never do such a thing, and I always try to live up to this standard in our communal forum, in spite of the vicious efforts of many others, inevitably slipped into my posts, to make me look like a fat-thumbed communist pinko faggot trout-head, stinking in the moonlight and weeping into my keyboard. This is not fair, or objective. As we all have something of value to say, we should always be reluctant to judge one another in our forum. Circumstances rarely require judgement. When they do, such an opportunity is best taken advantage of passively, indirectly, and underhandedly so that the implications of the judgement may not be attributed to their actual source, but will appear to ooze ourt of the communal aether of our collective opprobrium. That way our forum ensures that our fellow posters are always comfortable, and feel safe to voice any drivel thart may come leaking out of their fat and flaccid, but highly esteemed, lips.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 06:20 PM

Perhaps....

Perhaps it would behoove us all to take another look at the various points that Shambles has so selflessly raised in defence of what is, after all, a gathering of peers who should be, heaven knows, able to agree to disagree whenever a point is raised which deviates in some way from the perceived path that has been followed by those who, perhaps, have bent over backwards in their efforts to determine, without undue prejudice, a method whereby we may all endeavour to ascertain in which direction the forum should move in order that everyone's needs be met without unduly inconveniencing or showing favoritism towards certain members at the expence of others.

And perhaps not! ;-)

Whaddya think?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 07:11 PM

...fat and flaccid, but highly esteemed, lips.

You badmouthing trumpet players? Cuz if you are I'm gonna tell Barky on you. And then she'll git on one side and I'll git on the other and we'll play "Java" (the "101 Strings" arrangement) until you grovel in apologetic apoplexy!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 07:14 PM

If the lip fits, Satchmo......inflate to 20 psi.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 10:45 PM

Okay, you asked for it! Now you've gone and seem to have insulted trumpeters! You apologize to your lovely daughter for saying she has fat, flaccid lips or I'm gonna call down The Curse Of G. G. Conn on you!

Me, I'm used to your insults, your blind prejudice against the Instrument of Instruments, but you've insulted the fruit of your very own loins and you better ask her pardon and forgiveness or Ol' C. G.' Curse is gonna come whoompin' down on you!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 10:57 PM

Oh, so we have another crisis on our hands?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 11:33 PM

Nah, I just don't like to see him insulting his own flesh and blood. Poor little girl can't very well smack her Daddy one, can she? Or call down The Curse Of C. G. Conn upon her paternal parent. Why, the poor child must be nearly helpless, cast aside like that by her father. She probably even now is waiting outside the saloon, shivering in the blowing snow, whilst Amos is inside in the warmth, boozing it up, cavorting with curvaceous women of dubious reputation, even (dare I utter it?) now and then playing a guitar!!!! And outside in the sleet and snow a pitiful tiny figure, clad in threadbare rags, clutches a trumpet, waiting for a kind and gentle word from her father, a word that would mean so much to her, a word that would encourage her musical dreams.

But no, it is not to be! Does he even see his child as he leaves that reeking den of iniquity? No! Instead he treads upon her trumpet, flattening it beneath his hobnailed boots, destroying with it her dreams and asperations, crushing her hopes and her goal of someday being able to play an A# above the staff! And the tears freeze on her tiny, gentle face....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 02:25 AM

No, Rapaire is just mythologizing again. I never said anything about trumpeters, if you care to read the thread. I was doing a Shambo riff, and his perfervid imaginings somehow informed him I was insulting trumpeters, him, my daughter, and Louis Armstrong all in one post. I appreciate the endowed power, but I would never exercise my power in the way he has imagined. I am sure he is a much better trumpeter in reality than he is in any imagined scenario.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 10:07 AM

And I am sure that he is much worse than he imagines. And I oughta know.

Did you buy your daughter a new trumpet to replace the one you mashed? I know now that you probably did that to help her play the flats, but believe me, I know from experience that it doesn't work. Bb, for instance, is a note, a key signature, not a condition for the existence of a trumpet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 10:20 AM

I'll bet she'd like something like this! And because of that group of hepcats she plays with, probably in gold. Getting her one would assuage your conscience, which I am certain has been eating you up with remorse ever since you trampled her trumpet outside the tavern.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 11:47 AM

Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts, amigo. So inner, they have never been in touch with reality until today!

That copper is a beautiful horn, though. What's the rep on Clicchios? Aside from using apostrophes to represent plurals?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 02:53 PM

Well, I sure wouldn't kick one outa my instrument case! Ya know, if you got one for her and one for me I could probably find it in my heart to forgive you for stompin' her poor old trumpet like you did.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 04:22 PM

Dang -- so now I am being blackmailed to satisfy your acquisitiveness, for crimes which YOU imagined? Are you SURE you're not a Republican?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 07:46 PM

While you two have been hurling insinuations back and forth I've been moving boxes and furniture and shelving and moved the freezer into the house. I will probably move it some more, but it is clean and in. So, I am pausing for a moment and (as you might have guess from what has gone before) blowing my own horn about my busy day. :) A trumpet, of course!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 07:51 PM

Wll deserved, Stilly. Besides, we never said you weren't more virtuous than we are. SOme day we'll look back and remember with laughter how loud we were about asserting one or another was Mom's favorite, while all along, the quiet, studious, industrious one was the one who really made her heart glad. Such lessons we should take when they are before, but do we listen?

Not really...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 07:57 PM

You could get Stilly one, too. That would make you feel even better about yourself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 07:59 PM

So. In my second post to this thread, I get it. I got it earlier, but I thought it was a bit silly. Even now, it does seem a bit silly, given the choices and the variety of the Café. However, I am not one to lag behind the times so I intend to join in, albeit rather late, for what it's worth... of course, for what I am worth. Which is mostly silly... if I can live up to my standards.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 08:09 PM

You could buy one for Barky, Stilly and me and feel good about yourself too. But don't buy one for Amos, because he just stomps 'em flat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 08:11 PM

So. . .


























anything Gnu to report?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 06 - 08:27 PM

I wish to report that in anticipation of the honor of Gnu's second posting this morning I went out to the shooting range and not only helped a guy get his rifle sighted in ("Take it to a gunsmith," I said) but I ALSO proved once again my ability with handgun (or handgonne, except they're not that old).

YES! Shooting a .22 caliber Ruger Mark II semiautomatic pistol freehand pointing I was able, at seven yards to hit a target 11 x 8 inches exactly TWICE in 25 rounds!!

Supported, that is using both hands and actually aiming, I put 50 rounds in an area about two inches across. At 25 yards, that is at the backstop, I was able to consistently hit 4 x 4 pieces of wood, plastic soda bottles, soft drink cans, and other debris litters had left.

I did this because it was a beautiful Autumn day here and I wanted to go do something different and yet "focusing." After I finished shooting, I took the trash bag I'd brought with me and picked up the trash.

Then I went to the Friends of the Library booksale, to the grocery, and home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 12:52 AM

I see you got the lead out.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 06:39 AM

SRS... gnuttin gnu at all.

Rap... is there a grassy knoll near the Library?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 10:28 AM

Nah, but there is a knowly ass nearby. And lowly grass. That (surprisingly) none surpass.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 10:40 AM

No, but the statue in the back is made from melted-down guns. And the one in the front is made from silicon bronze.

There are sage-covered hills, beautiful sunsets, and a great view out over the Snake River Plain.

There aren't any lowly asses that I know of, but there are a lot of horses and some mules around.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 10:40 AM

Correction: there ARE some lowly asses around, but they're either in Congress or the Legislature; one is in the City Council.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 11:25 AM

Mom, you will be 14 thousand - five
In only nine threads more
And we will strive to see it's not
Claimed by some cheap cyber-whore
Some slime-fingered profiteer
Who soaks up other's labor
We'll grab him by his wrinkly ear
And send him to Lahore.
We'll let the desert's burning sun
Conserve his weaselly bones
If seeking to tha number steal,
He weaselly this way comes.

Who'll rock the cradle
Who sing my song
Who'll rock the cradle, when I'm gone?
I ain't got no use for that red rocking chair!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 03:15 PM

Do you celebrate your half-birthdays in March, Amos? And maybe have quarterly tea-parties?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 03:32 PM

14493...

With seven posts more, 14,500. Yes?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 04:46 PM

Poisoning the voles,
Poisoning the voles,
I did that rejoicing,
Poisoning the voles.

Rap spreads poison oats and he don't care
Rap spreads poison oats and he don't care
Rap spreads poison oats and he don't care,
Them voles is goin' away.

DEATH TO VOLES!!!

At least, death to the ones infesting my back yard.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 05:38 PM

Not sure about voles, but we fed the red Squirrels all the left over cakes at the end of the weekend. Unfortunatly, all this actually suceeded in doing was attracting a plague of marathon runners.

The mountains were absoulutly beautiful though. Mom should go there, but only if the weather is good. Gluon should fix it.....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 06 - 05:53 PM

If Sunday you are free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the voles in my backyard.
And maybe we'll do
In a ground squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning the voles in my backyard.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and giggles
Enthralled when we see their whirling and wiggles.
Myself, I'll find it droll
Each zinc phosphide coated roll
We feed to a short-tailed vole
It just takes a stroll
To poison the voles in my backyard.


-- John Webster, Songs of Childhood's Innoncent Pleasures (Boston: George Parkman Publications, 1849)


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