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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Acme 04 Sep 12 - 10:05 PM
Rapparee 04 Sep 12 - 09:39 PM
Amos 04 Sep 12 - 03:17 PM
GUEST,Hector Ballsworthy, the Independent Press 04 Sep 12 - 03:12 PM
Amos 04 Sep 12 - 12:58 PM
Rapparee 04 Sep 12 - 12:32 PM
Amos 04 Sep 12 - 10:24 AM
Acme 04 Sep 12 - 10:07 AM
Rapparee 04 Sep 12 - 10:02 AM
Acme 04 Sep 12 - 09:44 AM
Rapparee 04 Sep 12 - 01:20 AM
Little Hawk 03 Sep 12 - 11:39 PM
Amos 03 Sep 12 - 11:07 PM
Acme 03 Sep 12 - 10:57 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 12 - 10:22 PM
Amos 03 Sep 12 - 09:51 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 12 - 09:26 PM
Amos 03 Sep 12 - 06:55 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 12 - 03:22 PM
Amos 03 Sep 12 - 12:53 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 12 - 12:03 PM
Rapparee 03 Sep 12 - 12:01 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 12 - 08:55 PM
gnu 02 Sep 12 - 05:41 PM
Amos 02 Sep 12 - 04:55 PM
Acme 02 Sep 12 - 02:27 PM
Rapparee 02 Sep 12 - 12:59 PM
Amos 02 Sep 12 - 01:12 AM
Rapparee 01 Sep 12 - 10:28 PM
Rapparee 01 Sep 12 - 10:27 PM
Little Hawk 01 Sep 12 - 04:54 PM
Amos 01 Sep 12 - 04:51 PM
Rapparee 01 Sep 12 - 11:19 AM
Amos 01 Sep 12 - 11:02 AM
Acme 01 Sep 12 - 02:06 AM
Amos 31 Aug 12 - 11:59 PM
Rapparee 31 Aug 12 - 07:08 PM
Amos 31 Aug 12 - 09:40 AM
Rapparee 30 Aug 12 - 10:07 PM
Amos 30 Aug 12 - 09:50 PM
gnu 30 Aug 12 - 01:42 PM
Acme 30 Aug 12 - 01:33 PM
Rapparee 30 Aug 12 - 09:52 AM
Rapparee 29 Aug 12 - 09:23 PM
gnu 29 Aug 12 - 06:35 PM
Amos 29 Aug 12 - 05:21 PM
Little Hawk 29 Aug 12 - 11:16 AM
Amos 29 Aug 12 - 10:49 AM
Little Hawk 28 Aug 12 - 10:52 PM
Rapparee 28 Aug 12 - 09:26 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 10:05 PM

Amazing that Mr. Hector Ballsworthy of the Independent Press can find his way back to this thread over the years.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 09:39 PM

Amos,is it true that you are running up and down your halls of labor yelling, "SHORT! SHORT! I'M A SHORT-TIMER!!! SUCK IT UP, I'M SHORT!!!!"??

I meant to send you a short-timer's stick and a short-timer's calendar, but I got busy or forgot or both.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 03:17 PM

The weekend days will soon be here!
No pleasure will I lack!
For as the dawn breaks o'er the sea
I will be there riding the waves so free
At sea in my old Kayak.

Go off on bus, or bike or plane,
With an overstuffed back-pack!
I'd rather be on the ocean's breast,
Hearing the wild gull sing my rest,
At sea in my old Kayak.

For the quiet dip of the skipper's blade
In the predawn waters black
Brings a solitude and a comfort deep
Worth the pain of a badly broken sleep,
Out at sea in my old Kayak.

Heerleysian Oldufferby Lowe
Dumb Songs from Smartmouths
Bodleian Library Publications
London, 1838


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Hector Ballsworthy, the Independent Press
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 03:12 PM

It has come to this writer's notice that the worldwide Reptilian Conspiracy is planting agents and saboteurs all across North, Central, and South America with the intention of completely subverting the entire western hemisphere to the Reptilian Agenda!!!!

Few are aware that the Falklands War in the 1980's was really fought so that the Reptilians in the British Monarchy could establish a secret base in the Falkland Islands where they could breed pure English genetic subjects with Reptilians and produce a race to rule the western hemisphere for all time!!!!!

And that is one of the reasons why the Argentinians invaded! The Argentinian generals, also Reptilians, resented this encroachment upon their growing sphere of influence by the Reptilians of the Royal Family and feared that their plans to enslave millions of Argentinian subjects would be co-opted by agents from the UK. Accordingly, they moved fast to pre-empt that from occuring!

But...they seriously underestimated the rapid response of the Ultra-Reptilian monster Thatcher, united with the covert assistance of the Washington DC and New York Reptilians in the USA.

The results were inevitable! The Argentinian generals lost out and the Thatcher-Lizard and her cold-blooded cohorts won.

The sad thing is, however, that no matter which set of Reptilians wins in these family squabbles...we humans lose!!!!

The only thing standing between complete Reptilian domination of this planet and the realization of freedom and security for the human race is the courageous voice of the Independent Press, a voice which WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!!

I have lately been attempting to contact aware persons in the western part of the United States, persons who can comprehend the gravity of the dire situation facing us all, and who are not afraid to step up, put their lives on the line, and fight for humanity!

Wish me luck, readers!

This is Hector Ballsworthy of the Independent Press, the voice of freedom and sanity in a suffering world, saying once again...

Buck up, chaps! It's not over yet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 12:58 PM

I dunno. Was he British? This author lives in IReland.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 12:32 PM

Is this the same Davey Mitchell I went to high school with?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 10:24 AM

I declare that I am ready to believe that David Mitchell (Cloud Atlas, Number 9 Dream, et al) maybe the best modern writer of ENglish alive today.

Just maybe. His books have been completely engrossing, riddled with depth, rich in craft, wondrous in words. Read him soomer rather than later.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 10:07 AM

Really? They usually just come on in and have a seat on the couch with MOM. She asks so many questions they can hardly wait to escape.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 10:02 AM

There's a man at the door babbling on about lizard people. He said his name was Rector Ballswarthy or something; I think he's selling some religion. I've called the police.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 09:44 AM

What can I say? I was partially blinded by that huge blue blinking number.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Sep 12 - 01:20 AM

Several times I have been mistaken for Little Hawk. I have been accosted by various drunken louts, attacked by giant hamsters, berated by what I can only describe as wannabee-poshes from England, and shot at by a chimpanzee in a pin-stripe suit who was wearing a fedora and had a tommy gun in one hand, a bottle of cheap whiskey in another and a foot around some blonde floozie. My life has been a series of nightmares, each worse than the last, until yesterday, while I was strolling quietly home from church, I realized the True Meaning And Purpose Of Life and how it can be attained. Needless to say I fled down the corridors of time, tried to shelter myself in the odd nooks and crannies of the Rock of Ages, crossed the Bifrost Bridge (annoying not a few Valkyries along the way), and found myself sitting lotus at the Top of the Mountain.

Please don't mistake me for Liiiiiiittttttttlllllleeeeeeeeeee Haaaawwwwwkkkkk!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 11:39 PM

This is the 2nd time I've been mistaken for Rapparee. It's very worrisome! The first time it happened, I found myself being pursued by Interpol, CSIS (Canadian Secret Service), the Black Muslims, the Ku Klux Klan, the Mafia, the Black Hand, the Rosicrucians, the Satanic Church of America, Opus Dei, the Hatfields AND the McCoys, the Chippewa Nation, the Moonies, the FBI, and an assortment of angry Seventh Day Adventists from the Great Falls, Montana area.

DON'T MISTAKE ME FOR RAPPAREEEEEEEE!!!!!! Please! Enough is enough!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 11:07 PM

That was Rapp's obtusity, Mz Sage, not Little Hawk's. I was talking about O-rings, not pennipeds.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 10:57 PM

I agree with Little Hawk. Treat those seals better and they won't pee in the boat.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 10:22 PM

I've been going to therapy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 09:51 PM

I swan, Mister R your scansion is healing nicely!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 09:26 PM

In the corner of my room I see
Swept-hilt rapier, small sword, epee,
Backpack, bow, and fishing net,
A quiver of arrows, a fly rod yet
Used but once, another rod not used at all,
And books, books piled up Oh! so tall.
In the closet resides bullets and guns
Twice locked away, quite safe from nuns.
But the dangerous stuff behind me lurks:
Over twelve hundred seditious books,
In the next room a thousand more
Filled with ideas you can't ignore
Except at your peril. Widgets, you see,
Are not the danger you think them to be.
Ideas are what are dangerous:
Tyrants know this, so in power lust
They burn poor books and tell their Lie,
Forgetting that die Gedanken sind frie.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 06:55 PM

A man in love with lethal widgits
Is the sort to be entranced by digits,
Counting oddballs just for pleasure
Who prays to life to have a measure
Believing in the Grand Pretension
That counting life gives it dimension.
But that way lies unmeasured stress
Losing flavors of True BS
Tying wisdom's endless fount
Down to some dry pragmatic count.
It is not the number of the wave
That lets the watcher's mind be saved
Nor the molecules by number named
That let's the sea-wind guide the sane.
If you'd throw away your One
You'd be Mom's favorite son!

Ohhhh, Mommma!! Could this really be the end?
To be stuck inside of Mobile,
With the Memphis blues again!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 03:22 PM

Au contraire, mon vieux Amos:
Numbers have always caused a fuss.
They are no more real than Neverland --
You cannot catch one in your hand,
Irrational, imaginary things
Their very nature requires wings!
Wings that prevent your grasping them,
From grasping Truth about their den.
Numbers lie in wait, you see:
Without them you can't sail the sea,
Fly a plane, or do your tax,
Make a box or swing an axe,
Explode a charge or make a road,
Find a boson or break a code.
Once I left some numbers in the air,
Four Five Seven Nine Eight were there.
I left them there from night 'til day
For another to claim and take away.
But I could not let them stagnate for hours
So I advanced Mom, myself, to higher bowers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 12:53 PM

Oh, Rapp, oh Rapp, oh, Rapparee
You're as amiss as a miss can be!
You quest for glory, fame and thunder
By grabbing up a special number!
Surely you know,
Or have been told,
That fame like that
IS pale fool's gold!
Someday, when judged,
You will confess
That numbers are not
True BS!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 12:03 PM

45800!!!

I didn't wanna do it....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Sep 12 - 12:01 PM

Mom, it grieves me to do this, but it's gotta be said.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 12 - 08:55 PM

The seals dried out? Poor things! I hope you gave them some fish and helped re-hydrate them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Sep 12 - 05:41 PM

A.... sounds wonderful! Thanks for sharing.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 12 - 04:55 PM

They should have come out wiht me this morning. Just before sunrise, I sat in the edge of a frisky four-foot high surf, waiting patiently for the moment, sliding in the shallows as the breakers flailed and faded around me, always being replaced by new ones. Finally, I had the time right, and I pushed into the face of the next wave, slicing it open and slapping down in the valley behind it. Two or three ugly walls of saltwater tried to slap me around on the way out past the surfline and I got soaked, but they were too late; I was out past the breaking range, into the swells. THen I was out in the morning sun listening to the cries of sea lions, loons, pelicans, and scores of hungry cormorants. They flocked and landed all around me, taking off again across my bows wit the thrupping sound of a bent radiator fan, sawing and swerving as they scanned the nearby waters in a feeding frenzy caused by a large school of alewives or some other small fish. Te wide bosom of the Pacific was calming, brilliant deep blue under a bright sky littered with small puffs of cloud: a perfect kayaker's day.

If only such days could stay as perfect! Coming in a timed the onsets carefully, rode the back of one going in and let it slide under me and break ahead; just as I hit the throttle, a cross breaker came by and slapped my sideways, broaching and rolling me in a blind chaos of sand and water. I almost lost my hat!! It is a normal risk of the business, but I was pissed. For one thing, the seals on the kayaks hatches had apparently dried out from long non-use, and rolling it under a breaker in three feet of water was enough to ship seventy pounds of water. So hauling it up the beach was much more of a trial than it should have been.    To top it all off, after I had wearily gotten it up the beach and gone for the car I discovered the usually sound passager on the boatloading area of the beach was now a deep drift of very soft sand, and my poor front-wheel drive can stalled out, buried up to its front hubs in white sand. It took an hour of digging and pushing with the help of several kind strangers, and finally one very nice pure-dee SoCal dude in a large truck, to get it back to terra firma. Finally home, it took me several hours just to sort all the gear out, get the sand off everything, and wash the boat up and stow it.

But there were a good thirty minutes of sheer bliss in the middle of it all, which made it worth all that woe.

Happy Sunday Mom. I have FOUR working days left at the Orifice!!   How about them apples??


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Sep 12 - 02:27 PM

Anyone want to come help me wash the dogs? All three of them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Sep 12 - 12:59 PM

Blunt. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, especially myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Sep 12 - 01:12 AM

Well, I've read that,also. And you point is

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 10:28 PM

Referring, of course, to the novel by Robert A. Heinlein.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 10:27 PM

Ooops! I didn't mean "walked", I meant "read." Sorry 'bout that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 04:54 PM

Beautifully said, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 04:51 PM

In my own quiet way, sir, I have never walked anywhere else.

On the other hand, for certain reasons which seem obvious to me, I am much more reluctant than some people to brag about it.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 11:19 AM

Well, Amos, I've long suspected that you never walked the Glory Road.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 11:02 AM

Now i the rare early hours of a three-day weekend, I face a giant expanse of unfilled time. Later we will drive up to Encinitas and wander among the galleries. Tomorrow I may dust off the kayak. No constraints. Monday, as well, is Free.

This means I can Catch Up. That ewill be very mice indeed.

Good morning, Sainted Mom. Here is a platter of BS Biscuits with honey fresh from the BS bees, and a glass of the finest Liqueur de BS for your breakfast pleasure.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Sep 12 - 02:06 AM

Gotta do it when the wind is blowing toward the woods, not toward the houses. MOM sez she is gonna burn it very slowly, a little at a time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 12 - 11:59 PM

I am sure--since you are too strait-laced to be an Epicurean--that you got it from Dr Doddridge.

               
"'Live, while you live,' the epicure would say.
'And seize the pleasures of the present day.'
'Live, while you live,' the sacred preacher cries,
'And give to God each moment as it flies.'
Lord, in my views let each united be;
I live in pleasure, when I live to thee."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Aug 12 - 07:08 PM

You know where I got that from, Amos. If you don't, send me USD 3,000.00 and I'll show you at Getaway.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 12 - 09:40 AM

Which means "It's all right to live stupid, as long as everyone does it."


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Aug 12 - 10:07 PM

"Dum Vivimus, Vivamus" is my motto.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Aug 12 - 09:50 PM

Where on earth do you suppose they came from? Shoulda mailed them off to Bobert. Live dangerously--but not too dangerously--that's my motto...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 Aug 12 - 01:42 PM

I do NOT drool IN my beer!

SRS... I hope you burned the herbs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Aug 12 - 01:33 PM

I don't know about Mountain Men, but Mountain MOM decided to tackle the Arctic last night and defrost her upright freezer. You should have seen all of the stuff she chipped out of the ice! Where ever did she find that baby mammoth carcass? There were also lots of "herbs" in bags and some bags of small round seeds. Tossed 'em out in the yard behind the compost to see what grows.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Aug 12 - 09:52 AM

Goin' to the Museum of the Mountain Man today.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 09:23 PM

If nominated I will not run. If elected I will not serve.

I've already served and what has it gotten me? Association with people who drool in their beer, whose pursuit of knowledge and enlightenment does not extend beyond the next joint, who are, in fact, EXACTLY like the people I not only served with, but went to grade school, high school, college and graduate schools with.

I can't seem to create more than what I have already created. Well, as we used to say in the Army, "Phooey!"

(Ma, I'm in Wyomin' agin.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 06:35 PM

Talk about pressure. Geeze oh eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 05:21 PM

Proud sons and daughters of MOAB!

We are here in the midst of great effort, an effort which may cause strife and struggle, but whose reward shall be grand and historic. I am speaking of course of the grand march we are making for the Forty Six of KAY!!! I remind you, SIbs of Mom, that what we seek is no passing trifle to be soon forgotten. No! It is epoch-making!! Never in the history of Max Spiegel and Joe Offer has there been ANY thread of such magnitude! Such undying courage and perseverance!! Ad not to be gulled into somnambulistic complaisance by mere quantity, we have strived for PURE GOLD beyond the standards of ordinary threads, a richness of device, and intricacy of wit, a depth of twinkling insight UNHEARD OF in the ranks of lesser threads.

In the mighty folds of her verdant, blossoming vales and hills our Mom enfolds more dreams, hopes and aspirations, more glittering drama, more grim melodramatic confrontation, more ribaldry, more keen-eyed acuity, more dry drollery, and more untrammeled hilarity than all the works of SHakespeare, Chaucer, and Katzanzakis COMBINED!!    There has never been, nor ever shall be, a thread to rival Her!!

Then, brothers and sisters, gather here, and let us renew our intentions, our firm promises to the future, to the BS of tomorrow, and to the towering, iconic accomplishment of our many yesterdays, which comprise our precious, respected, esteemed and beloved Mom. ANd let us forge on, link by link, step by sweat, post by post, until the glorious brightness of that unimaginable beauteous event pierces the veil of our mortal souls and elevates every Being among us to new heights and pride of accomplishment: the Next of Kay!

Thank you for your time.

I am MOAB's favorite son and First Vowel, and I approved this message.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 11:16 AM

If only it could be bottled.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 10:49 AM

Our Mom will always see us thorugh
The best, and worst, of times,
With Hawkster's decadent phantom crew
Born of a fevered mind,
And Rapparee, to chime us home
With scrofulitic rhymes.
How blessed we are, we sturdy few
Such perfect bliss to find!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Aug 12 - 10:52 PM

LOL! Another fine poem.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Aug 12 - 09:26 PM

"O 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!
Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town?
And whence such fair garments, such prosperi-ty?"--
"O didn't you know I'd been ruined?" said she.

"You left us in tatters, without shoes or socks,
Tired of digging potatoes, and spudding up docks;
And now you've gay bracelets and bright feathers three!"--
"Yes: that's how we dress when we're ruined," said she.

"At home in the barton you said 'thee' and 'thou,'
And 'thik oon,' and 'theäs oon,' and 't'other'; but now
Your talking quite fits 'ee for high compa-ny!"--
"Some polish is gained with one's ruin," said she.

"Your hands were like paws then, your face blue and bleak
But now I'm bewitched by your delicate cheek,
And your little gloves fit as on any la-dy!"--
"We never do work when we're ruined," said she.

"You used to call home-life a hag-ridden dream,
And you'd sigh, and you'd sock; but at present you seem
To know not of megrims or melancho-ly!"--
"True. One's pretty lively when ruined," said she.

"I wish I had feathers, a fine sweeping gown,
And a delicate face, and could strut about Town!"--
"My dear--a raw country girl, such as you be,
Cannot quite expect that. You ain't ruined," said she.

             --Tom Hardy, The Ruined Maid


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